They're awkward around each other.
Severus is jumpy, overly apologetic about anything and everything, always trying to make sure Harry is absolutely okay.
Harry is irritable, sometimes downright mean, and constantly shrugging off Severus' coddling hand.
Despite all this, Harry can't deny that things are still good. Most days aren't terrible, and he does realize that it's often his own attitude, which he will occasionally try to reign in, causing the friction between them.
They're on the north side of Diagon Alley on an obnoxiously dreary Thursday morning. Severus doesn't have a class until ten on Thursdays. The Alley is relatively quiet this time of day. No one has really paid them any mind.
Severus holds the massive door to Gringotts for Harry, ushering him in.
Instantly Harry's eyes dart through the open floor. He takes a quick stock of everyone in the building and only lets himself relax when he's confident that Draco is not there (at least that Harry can see).
Overall, Harry's not too nervous to be in Gringott's. He knows that Draco does a lot of work in Gringott's, but he's rarely in the bank itself. Plus the safety of Gringott's is second only to Hogwarts, and Harry really doesn't think that Draco would cause a scene if they did see each other, too worried about saving face. Harry can't say the same for himself though. He has no idea what his reaction would be to seeing Draco. He's imagined it countless times now, but every time he starts to think about something innocuous like running into Draco out and about, his mind fills with other memories and ruins his train of thought.
Severus rests a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder, and Harry realizes that he's been rooted in the same spot, blocking the entrance, for just a bit too long to be polite.
Harry steps fully into the building, and Severus drops his hand.
The people around them are all walking with a purpose, mostly dressed nicely, and the Goblins are all just as prickly as usual. Harry feels out of place in his plain clothing, staring around, unsure where to start.
He's only been to Gringotts a handful of times, less if he doesn't count the break-ins.
Sensing Harry's trepidation, Severus guides him to a desk with a Goblin who is staring down at a sheet of paper, scribbling something.
The goblin looks up from his work momentarily, just a wayward glance at Harry, then looks back down to continue with his work. Severus doesn't say anything so Harry just stands next to him, trying to find somewhere to focus his gaze so he's not just staring at the goblin.
Finally, he seems to write a final word and closes a large ledger.
"Harry Malfoy?" The goblin looks up at him. The name feels like a sudden fright, a boogeyman rearing its ugly head. Harry tries to ignore it, legally that is his name. It's hard to discern goblin faces since they're so different from humans, but under the typical angry-browed glare Harry detects hints of boredom and exasperation.
"Um, yes." Harry frets with his fingers.
The goblin just stares at him.
"Oh, uh, well I was just coming in because my husband, Draco Malfoy, I think uh, well he told me anyway, that he had my vaults transferred into his name. So I was wondering how I could possibly get them back in my own name." Harry wants to disappear into the stone floor or use the time turner to have the foresight to have given one ounce of thought to what he was going to say when he got here, instead of just spewing the first words he could think.
For a few more seconds the goblin stares at him, narrows his eyes, then nods and gets up from his seat. He holds up one claw-like finger to Harry and goes to another desk, rifling around for a moment.
Finally, he returns with two large tomes, that send out a plume of dust when they're sat on the desk in front of them.
The goblin opens the first book and flips until he reaches midway through and the pages are blank. "Vault seven hundred eleven: The Black Family; transferred to the Potter Family in 1996; has no other names associated, and the sole accessee is one Harry Malfoy, nee Potter."
Harry supposes that's one bit of good news, that Draco hadn't thought to take Sirius' account from him. In retrospect, he wishes he had come in to do this earlier, had known that he had access to at least a portion of his own money instead of being destitute and completely reliant on Draco.
Harry gives the goblin a nod and he closes that book and pulls the other one into its place. This one is shorter, but again the goblin opens it to where the pages start to become blank.
"Vault six hundred and eighty-seven: The Potter family, has five names associated: Harry Malfoy, nee Potter, Draco Malfoy, Arthur Weasley, Molly Weasley, and Rhubeus Hagrid."
That's all the goblin says and Harry stares at him for a moment, then sends furrowed brows up to Severus. "Ah, so, all those people have equal access to that vault?" Harry knew about the other three, Arthur and Molly had accessed his vault in the past, never without Harry's authorization of course, and Hagrid's been on the vault since forever.
"All parties can deposit, and withdraw within the limit, unless under direct authorization from the account owner, which would be," the goblin moves his finger up the page a bit, "Harry Malfoy."
Harry wants to tear his hair out. He doesn't understand.
"How would Harry have someone removed from the account?" Severus asks for him, sensing Harry's distress.
The goblin produces an innocuous-looking piece of thick cream-colored paper, a perfect square, fairly small. "The account owner must prove identity."
"It's that easy?" Harry finally asks. The goblin doesn't say anything to him, just narrows his eyes again. Harry looks up at Severus but he's reaching for his wand, holding out the tip toward Harry.
Harry nods and reaches his pointer finger up, pressing it quickly against the wand. A small drop of blood forms at a minuscule cut. Harry presses it to the paper which turns a shimmery gold color.
"Who's name is to be removed."
"Draco Malfoy."
The goblin crosses the name out with a short, quick line.
"Will you need anything else, Mr. Malfoy?"
Harry shakes his head and the goblin immediately gets up, closing the books and taking them back to where he got them. Harry looks up at Severus again and feels like he's going to lose his mind. He needs to get back to Hogwarts.
He is dazed while they walk toward the doors and exit Gringotts. He only feels like he can breathe when they're outside.
"Not what you were expecting?" Severus asks.
Harry shakes his head, eyebrows still furrowed. "He lied to me." Is what he finally says, doesn't have the words to explain the magnitude of how that makes him feel.
It's still fairly empty on the street so they stand just to the side, against a building next to Gringotts. Some people look at them with mild interest, two famous faces, but no one stops.
"He told me that I couldn't access any of my money, he even had me sign something..." Harry tries to remember the exact document Draco had him sign. It had been very official looking, Harry hadn't even really read it himself, and Draco explained the whole thing. But it didn't have any blood component, goblins always use blood magic, I'm such an idiot. "He just made it up." Harry finally reasons.
The implications are enormous, too big for him to really think about right now. He's still fragile and in a new environment. If Draco lied about this? And so early into our relationship? Memories that were once good suddenly become tainted. How long has he been fucking with me? Why?
"Let's just go back. I want to go home." Harry feels on the verge of tears and hollow. It's all too much.
Severus nods and rests a hand on Harry's shoulder, to apparate them both.
Harry looks up from where he's been focused on the cobbled stone trying not to let his eyes water in public. There's Draco. Real this time, not like his dreams.
Draco is across the street, still a sizable distance away from them. He's dressed nicely, Harry recognizes one of his work outfits. His hair is a bit longer, more unkempt like he hasn't been keeping up with getting it cut. He has stubble, almost a beard.
And he's staring directly at Harry.
Severus follows Harry's gaze and spots Draco as well. Draco takes a step forward and opens his mouth to speak, but Severus instantly disapparates them.
Harry lands unsteadily in the apartment, almost tripping over himself, but Severus holds him up. His eyes are still staring forward at where Draco had been.
They step away from each other, Severus' eyes searching over Harry, trying to ascertain how he's feeling, what he needs. He feels timid, though, over the past week Harry has been resistant to him and Severus doesn't want to overstep his boundaries.
Harry stands still for a second and balls his hands up into fists. His whole body is tense.
Finally, he moves his eyes from their locked position and looks up at Severus. Instantly, he deflates, tears overflowing as he lets himself go slack. He reaches a hand up, almost pitifully, for Severus, and Severus steps back into his space.
They're awkward with each other, neither of them know what the boundaries are after Monday.
Severus sets a hand on Harry's upper arm, trying to be reassuring. Harry needs more and wraps his arms around Severus' middle as the first soft sob rocks through him. Severus lets himself lean into the embrace as well and puts his arms around his shoulders.
Harry buries his face into Severus' shirt and shakes as he cries.
There have been a few times Harry's cried since leaving, but these are the biggest, ugliest sobs Harry thinks he's ever made. They're loud, so forceful that he has to hiccup through breaths just to get air, and the tears feel neverending.
"Oh, Harry," he hears Severus say softly, with such deep sadness in his voice. That makes Harry cry harder for a moment.
It's a while before Harry can finally force himself to stop crying. It really is a conscious effort, too, if he wasn't trying to abate the sobs he doesn't think they would ever stop.
After a while, his breathing returns almost to normal, with just a few slight stutters every couple of breaths.
"Why did he do all of this to me?" Harry asks, resting his cheek against Severus' chest. "What did I ever do to him."
"Absolutely nothing." Severus instantly assures. "I don't want to make unfounded conjectures, but you're more powerful than Draco, you have more money than him, and the whole world loves you. There's a chance that Draco is, jealous, I suppose. Or worried that he would lose you if he didn't control you."
Harry considers the words and the steadily increasing sound of Severus' heartbeat. "Do you think he started dating me just to make himself look better?"
"I don't know, Harry. I never knew Draco as well as I knew Lucius, but if he's anything like his father I wouldn't put it past him."
Harry likes the feeling of Severus' deep rumbly voice as he leans against his chest. The vibrations are calming.
"I really thought he loved me."
Harry doesn't know what's worse. The thought that Draco never really cared for him and was just using him the entire time, or that Draco did love him and still treated him like that.
He doesn't want to pull away, and Severus isn't making a move to, either. If Harry stays right here he can pretend that Monday didn't happen and they're still just as close.
Eventually, Severus drops his arms from Harry. He does it slowly, seeming like he doesn't want to pull away either. "Class is in ten minutes, Harry." He reminds.
Harry's face drops. He feels sore from how hard he cried and he's sure his eyes are still puffy. "I can't go." He admits, stepping into his own space. He needs the comfort of Severus' apartment right now, he can't venture out into Hogwarts.
"I know. That's alright." Severus is already grabbing his robes from where he'd left them hanging over the back of the couch this morning.
"I'm sorry," Harry whispers as he drifts to the couch, sitting down on it heavily, staring at the empty fireplace.
Severus comes to kneel in front of Harry. They make eye contact, then Severus' eyes dip down. "We should talk about, things, later."
Harry nods but he isn't sure he really means it. "Yeah."
"I have to go," Severus stands then and gives Harry one last look that Harry doesn't return before leaving the apartment.
Harry feels overwhelmingly alone when Severus leaves, and frightened by seeing Draco. He retreats to Severus' room and climbs into the bed, unable to leave until Severus gets back.
They don't talk about the kiss.
Severus tries to, but Harry avoids the subject at every chance. He busies himself with working on a potion or asking Severus questions about brewing. He's quite obvious about it, blatantly ignoring Severus' insistence.
By Saturday morning, Severus has given up entirely. He knows that he said the wrong thing that night and it's tearing him up. He just wants to explain himself, but Harry isn't giving him the ability. Severus has even briefly considered just kissing Harry again, but he can't do that to him. Severus has an idea of the extent of Draco's abuse, he saw the bruises arching up from below Harry's waistband that first night.
Still, Severus feels like everything he does is only pushing Harry away. Even worse, he feels like maybe he was right, that Harry had only kissed him because he felt some misconstrued gratitude and didn't know how else to show it. So he drops it.
Harry leaves fairly early on Saturday morning, with Hagrid.
They floo to the Leaky Cauldron together at half ten.
"Right then Harry, I'll see you back here at five?" Hagrid asks.
Harry nods, "Yes, thank you for waiting around for me, Hagrid."
"No problem, I've got some shopping to do, myself. Plus I feel bad for Mr. Snape being so busy and all."
That was the lie Harry told Hagrid, that he needed to come to Diagon Alley to get potion ingredients for Severus and to visit some clients. It worked out, since Hagrid was coming to Diagon Alley today already, and Harry wanted an escort who wasn't Severus.
Really, Harry is going to muggle London. He couldn't possibly explain to Hagrid why he wanted the man's presence in Diagon Alley. Harry still can't be there by himself, or run into Draco by himself.
He waits until Hagrid leaves the Leaky Cauldron before slipping out into London.
It's much easier to be in London by himself. No one recognizes him and there is no chance that he'll run into Draco. Plus, Severus knows exactly where he's going, so it's not like he's headed off completely on his own.
Severus had, of course, offered to take Harry himself, but Harry is trying his very hardest to avoid Severus. Almost an impossibility seeing as how they live together in a tiny apartment. That and Harry doesn't want to rely on Severus so much anymore. Maybe if I show him I'm capable of doing things on my own I can convince him that I didn't just kiss him because I bloody hero-worship him.
He feels confident, navigating the city on his own. He hasn't been to Muggle London much, or the Muggle world in general, really. He stares for a long time at the bus routes map before finally figuring out which one he needs to get on. At least he's pretty sure, and he has extra pounds in case he needs to take a cab somewhere.
He withdrew quite a bit of money for today, actually, enjoying the freedom of hundreds of pounds burning a hole in his pocket. He's always been good with his money, he doubts he'll even spend a quarter of what he's brought.
The bus is interesting. There's a bizarre mix of people on it. Harry ends up sitting next to a foul-smelling man with ratty clothing, and a large woman with two babies sits on the seat next to him, squishing him a bit.
When he reaches his stop he has to awkwardly extricate himself from between the two and rush off the bus.
He's in a nice neighborhood, busy, kind of posh, with lots of people walking and occasionally bumping into him as he struggles to read the hand-written directions he'd been given.
He walks three blocks up and is finally met with a small coffee shop. Kent Avenue Bakery.
Harry pushes inside, it's thankfully not very full at the moment. The clock outside read 11:30, he should be just on time.
There's an excited gasp of his name from behind the counter. "Harry!" Luna practically jumps, a giant smile plastered on her face. She's just clocking out, punching something into the till then taking her black apron off in a flourish, replacing it with her purse, and coming around the counter.
She gives him a big hug which Harry returns. It's been a really long time.
"Hey, Luna." He smiles at her.
"Are you hungry? I can't get you anything you want, free of charge," she winks. Harry just shakes his head.
"That's alright, thank you."
"Let's go then, I want to show you all over."
She's buzzing almost and drags Harry back outside by his hand. The sidewalks feel less busy with Luna by his side. She's a gifted tour guide and immediately starts telling him everything about the neighborhood. "This is a historical building, it's really, really old," "One time I saw a cool dog right here," "Sometimes when I have extra money I come here and get pizza, have you had pizza? It's delicious," and "On Tuesdays an old man does magic tricks at this square for money, and he does real magic! No one has any idea!"
After easily an hour of being led in circles through the downtown area Luna pulls him into a small restaurant. Harry doesn't recognize the language that the menu or signs are in but it smells delicious.
"Do you like spicy food?" She asks him.
Harry shrugs, "Moderately, but I don't need any food."
"Well, I'm going to order a lot so you can share with me."
Luna orders a comical amount of food. Two grocery bags, each with three styrofoam containers and two orange-colored drinks. She thanks the woman behind the counter in the same language he doesn't know and then just as quickly Luna is pulling him out of the restaurant and to a plaza across the street.
She sits them under a tree. It's kind of chilly out so there aren't a lot of people in the park, but Luna and Harry are dressed warm, and the food heats them up as well.
Harry finds himself trying everything that Luna got. Truly, there was no way she could eat it all.
"What is this?" He asks around a bite of noodles and vegetables, covering his mouth to not be gross.
"Pad Thai! Wicked, right?"
Harry nods, very wicked.
After they've both been satisfied (not even half of the food eaten), Harry finally asks. "Luna, what possibly compelled you to live here? Why leave the wizarding world?"
Luna's leaning against the tree. She's dressed very fashionably, at least as far as Harry can tell compared to the others around them. She's wearing a pair of overalls with a light green turtleneck underneath and a long brown jacket. Her fingers are covered in rings and her neck is stacked with eclectic necklaces. Her hair is done in some intricate style that looks messy, but messy in a purposeful way. He feels a little lame in just his jeans and an oversized brown sweater that he stole from Severus a few weeks ago.
Luna closes her eyes, looking very relaxed. "Well, I didn't really leave. I still see my dad all the time and go to the ministry quite a bit. I just like being here. It's fun. Everyone is so nice and all the people our age are so carefree and relaxed."
"You seem very happy, more than everyone else from Hogwarts."
"It does wonders to be surrounded by people who weren't traumatized."
Harry didn't even think about that. He spots a couple across the park, two women braiding each other's hair and giggling. They've never fought in a guerilla war against a tyrannical, genocidal, maniac. Interesting.
A cloud moves across the sky, filling the park with light. It's nice and they both bask in the warmth for a few minutes.
"Why did you send me all those letters?" Harry finally asks, breaking the content silence.
She finally opens one eye, as if peeking at him, then opens both. "I don't know how to explain it. I just kept getting these really bad feelings and headaches. They were always associated with thoughts of you. I didn't know how to explain it so I just wrote down whatever felt right."
Harry would both love and be terrified to spend a moment in Luna's brain. She's always been so odd. No one else would have a premonition-like headache about someone and then send them alarmingly cryptic letters written in red pen. She's truly singular.
"Well, your bad feelings were right. I left Draco."
"I know, you said you're living with Severus now," Luna says the first name so easily like she's always called him that.
Harry nods. "Yeah, at Hogwarts."
"How is he, Severus?"
"Uh, good," Harry stutters a little over the phrasing and knows he's blushing.
Luna raises both of her light eyebrows. "Good huh?"
Harry wants to tear his hair out in exasperation. "I mean, yeah, Severus is good. Things are okay between us."
"I have a feeling you're withholding the truth."
Harry considers that right now is actually a golden opportunity. There's no way that Luna would spill his personal life to anyone, and she's fairly unbiased, so he goes for it. "I kissed him, on Monday. It went well at first, but then he told me that I, ugh what was it," Harry tries to remember, "that I don't 'owe him' anything and that I must just have 'misplaced affections' because he helped me get away from Draco."
"Well, do you?"
"Huh?"
"Do you feel like you owe him or that you only kissed him because he saved you?"
Harry shakes his head quickly. "No! Of course not. I tried to explain it to him but he was just so resistant. I don't know, I think he's worried he's taking advantage of me."
"Have you talked to him about it?" She asks, picking one of the takeout containers back up and eating a few more bites.
Harry blushes a little and gives a nervous smile. "Honestly I've been avoiding talking about it. I just don't know what to say. I mean, it makes sense that he's worried I'm too traumatized, but I also feel like I should still be allowed to make decisions for myself. I liked him while I was still with Draco, even if I didn't really realize it at the time."
"I know exactly what you need," Luna says with her mouth full of food, not even bothering to cover it.
"What's that?" He asks as she rifles through the large pocket on the front of her overalls, finally producing a pen, a crumpled receipt, and a flip phone.
"A therapist."
"A what?"
"Oh, they're brilliant." She's scrolling through something on her phone and then writing down a number and name on the back of the receipt. She passes it to Harry who looks down at it. He doesn't recognize the name. "It's a muggle who goes to school to learn all about the brain, and then you go talk to them about your problems and they help you sort them out. She," Luna motions to the receipt, "is a squib. So you can tell her all about wizarding stuff and it's totally confidential. You can tell her anything and she won't tell anyone."
"I wouldn't even know what to say..." Harry trails off but pockets the number. It sounds nice in theory, telling someone his whole story. A stranger, someone nonpartial.
"I really think you should try. Kids aren't supposed to go to war or go through any of the things you went through. She'll ask you questions anyway and make it so easy. Just call her and say I referred you. You'll have to come to London for the appointments, though."
"This is really nice of you Luna, thank you."
"Oh, but also you should talk to Severus. Tell him what you told me. It sounds like you really like him."
Luna makes it sound so easy, maybe it is that easy. He should stop avoiding Severus. He kissed me back, I know he feels the same way. Even if he doesn't, clearly my kissing him hasn't made him any less persistent in being my friend.
"Speaking of love interests... Charlie?"
Luna almost squeals with excitement. "Ah, I thought you'd never ask!"
The rest of the afternoon is easy, Harry decides next time he'll take Luna up on her offer for him to stay the night in her apartment.
Severus is gone when Harry gets back, which is good, he wants to actually think about what he's going to say to him.
It's only around six, Harry takes a seat on the couch and goes through as many scenarios as he can. Severus is mad that I waited so long to talk; Severus was never interested in the first place and only kissed me back because he was sexually frustrated; Severus decided that I'm too childish and he doesn't want to be with me; Severus likes me just as much as I like him and we live happily ever after.
The first three options lead to the same ending, Harry accepts Severus' wishes and then immediately starts working on moving out. He knows that he can't do it instantly, but he couldn't bare to keep living with Severus if he has no chance. He'll continue working on his mastery, of course, and continue being Severus' friend. But he's only 21, he can't live in a tiny apartment with the sole object of his affection without losing his mind.
The last option is more complicated. Harry's never been much of a planner, so he leaves his brain at that and doesn't consider what he'll say if Severus returns his feelings. Accepting that he'll probably say something dumb as a result.
Finally, a little after eight, Severus returns. Harry is still sitting on the couch, but he's found a book now and kicked his shoes off. He took Luna's receipt out of his pocket and carefully set it on his nightstand so that he doesn't lose it. He'll call the number on Monday, given that he can find a phone.
"Hey," Harry says, surprised that his voice doesn't crack with how nervous he is. "Detention?" He questions.
Severus nods, taking his teaching robes off. Harry tries not to gape at how many buttons Severus has undone at his collar. Four? That's a scandalous amount. "On the bright side, my classroom is spotless." He takes a seat with a sigh, looking drained from dealing with students on a weekend.
Harry moves to the fridge and pulls two bottles of beer out. He bought these earlier. Severus had alcohol in his apartment in Diagon Alley, but Harry hasn't seen any in Hogwarts.
He considered this for a while earlier. He has bad memories of drinking with Draco, but he also thinks that having a beer would make him a little bit looser-lipped, it could make talking easier.
"Beer?" He offers Severus. The man perks up a little and nods.
"That sounds great, thanks."
Harry pops the lids off with an opener in the kitchen and hands one to Severus, returning to his seat on the couch. Harry takes three long gulps, trying to ready himself.
Severus seems very relaxed, leaning back in the chair, one leg over another, taking much gentler sips of his own drink. He's not drinking it like Draco, he looks like he actually enjoys it.
"Can we talk?" Harry blurts out. That is not the nice, scripted version that he came up with earlier. He curses himself.
Severus lowers his drink and sits up a bit straighter in the armchair. "Of course. Is anything the matter?" Severus' first thought is not that Harry wants to talk about the kiss. He's all but given up on that.
"It's about Monday."
Severus takes another drink. Then nods.
"You really hurt my feelings." Harry wants to throw his beer bottle at the wall and smack himself in the head. What happened to the script? What is wrong with you? His mouth has always had a mind of its own, though, so Harry just abandons any notion of trying to be tactful and speaks freely. He takes another long drink.
"I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself very well."
"I just, I don't know Sev, I don't know how to make you believe me. I like you. And yes, I do feel like I'm indebted to you, literally ginormously indebted to you, but those two feelings aren't affecting each other, or, I don't know." Harry sighs and takes a deep breath. "I can't stop myself from feeling like I owe you for taking me in, and I want to be honest and tell you that. But the fact that I want to kiss you isn't related, in fact, I'm pretty sure I felt like that before I even showed up on your steps in Diagon Alley."
There's a few moments of silence and Severus finally nods, setting his beer down, half-drunk, as Harry finishes his. "It wasn't fair of me to try and tell you how you felt. You've done a lot of healing, and I trust you not to lie about this." He finally says, after much consideration.
Harry smiles, finally feeling a little less tense. "So?"
Severus thinks for so long that Harry starts to get impatient, but reels himself in. He likes how well-spoken Severus is, and he knows that this has to be hard for the man as well. "I apologize for raising my voice at you," Severus says, sounding very remorseful. I'm also your only option echoes in Harry's mind, it had been spoken rather harshly. "It's been a long time since I've had a meaningful romantic relationship and it didn't end very well. I do like you Harry, a lot. I just want you to know I'm not good at this."
Harry wants to smile even bigger but schools his features, Severus did just tell him about a poorly-ended previous relationship, after all. "Clearly I'm not very good at this either."
They look at each other, Harry wants to kiss him again immediately, but he knows they should probably talk more. "You also are still recovering and I don't want to do anything wrong," Severus admits.
"You won't," Harry says, too fast, without thinking about it. "I mean, even so far you really haven't. You're so different from him." Harry knows that if they're entering into a sexual relationship that this isn't enough. That is one realm that Severus could potentially do something wrong without even knowing.
Harry bites his lip. I should tell him. He knows he should. He knows that if he says it out loud he'll feel better and that Severus can handle it. Harry scoots over a little bit on the couch, away from Severus, and motions to the spot next to him.
Severus moves from the chair to the couch, sitting close to Harry but not touching. Harry closes a little bit of the distance, just so that their knees are brushing.
Harry looks up at Severus for a moment, then down at his knees. It feels so exposing to admit this. "I want to be honest with you about something. Um, it's kind of upsetting though, is that okay?"
"Harry," Severus raises a hand slowly, disarmingly, and brushes a thumb over Harry's cheek. "You can tell me anything, but you don't have to tell me anything."
Harry leans into the touch for a moment and closes his eyes.
We're both adults. Adult relationships typically come with sex. I have to tell him.
Harry pulls away from the touch and opens his eyes. "Draco raped me." He forces it all out quickly, not wanting to stutter over the word. He's never said it out loud, barely thought it. "A couple of times."
This time it's Severus who closes his eyes. The look that flashes across his face looks like he's just been slapped. "I... Had gathered. I'm sorry."
"And," Harry takes a breath, "The last time I, uh, you know, the last time I had sex it was rape. The morning, right before you got me."
Severus remembers how broken Harry had been that day. He feels an incredible rage toward Draco but doesn't let it consume him, he doesn't want to appear angry in front of Harry, remembering how that had gone over before.
"So I guess I just want you to know that when we get there I don't know how I'll react. I have a hard time controlling my reactions sometimes... I just don't want you to think it's because of you."
"Thank you for telling me," Severus takes a breath, it sounds shaky. "Even if you never want to, it's fine, I mean that. I've been alone a long time, Harry, and I already appreciate your company as it is."
Harry appreciates that a lot, appreciates the honesty, the vulnerability in Severus' voice. He's relaxed now, not as anxious as he was, and he's fairly proud of himself for getting through even mentioning his rape without breaking down.
Harry reaches forward to put his hand on Severus' knee, glad that he can feel comfortable touching him. Severus looks at him. He still looks pained from what Harry said. Harry smiles at him, closed mouth. "Sev, I'm 21 and incredibly attracted to you. I don't think you'll have to wait long."
Severus grins back at him. "I hope you don't mind an old man."
"You're fishing for compliments now."
"Guilty."
"Can I kiss you again?"
"God yes."
Harry laughs and presses his lips against Severus'. They both can't stop smiling at first, making the kiss slightly awkward, which only makes Harry grin bigger.
He has to pull away to try to get his smile under control. The look in Severus' eyes, dark, full of want, makes him immediately go back in for another kiss. He's glad that this one isn't rejected.
Harry puts a hand on Severus' chest and one on his leg and twists his body to face him on the couch.
Severus' hands are more tentative than they had been the other night, and the kiss is softer. One hand rests on Harry's ribs and the other gently cups his chin.
Annoyed at the awkward angle of sitting next to each other on the couch, Harry swings a leg over Severus' and straddles his thighs. Severus' hands move, holding Harry securely around the waist, gripping either of Harry's hips. Harry holds both sides of Severus' face, his thumbs under his cheekbones, and tilts his jaw up for better access.
Harry presses his tongue into Severus' mouth. The tentativeness Severus felt earlier disappears and he runs a hand up Harry's back, running his fingers up and down. Harry wants Severus to grab at him and squeeze him but realizes he won't do that without Harry's explicit permission. So Harry reaches behind himself and lowers Severus' hand from his hip to his ass.
The noise Severus makes into the kiss should be illegal as he grabs a handful of Harry through his jeans. His moan is just as deep and smooth as his voice. Harry's hips are pulled against Severus and Harry feels the obvious bulge in Severus' pants pressing against his own. He considers, without pausing the kiss, whether he wants to do anything else, but he decides against it. I really don't know how I'll react, and Harry doesn't want to risk a panic attack during their first real makeout.
However, that doesn't make Harry's erection any less interested and he groans in frustration, pulling away from Severus' lips for a moment. They look at each other, Severus' other hand lowers to Harry's other cheek, giving a small, playful squeeze.
"You're beautiful," Severus murmurs, their lips only inches apart. Harry blushes and moves to lean back into the kiss. Severus catches Harry's jaw with one of his hands and tilts Harry's head back, kissing his neck instead.
Harry moans and rests his forearms on Severus' shoulders, leaning his head back to give Severus full access.
Severus presses heavy kisses to Harry's neck, not hard enough to leave a mark. He moves down, finally reaching the collar of Harry's shirt, which he pulls aside just slightly to nip at the skin of his collarbone, making Harry gasp and grind his hips into Severus'.
Severus draws Harry's lips back down to his own. They both ease up on their roaming hands. Harry relaxes a bit more into the kiss, sitting back on Severus' thighs so that their erections aren't teasing each other anymore.
The kiss turns slower and slower until it's just closed mouth again, and finally, Harry pulls away, resting his forehead against Severus'. His erection is still annoyingly persistent, but it's at least starting to flag now. It gives a small twitch when Severus gives Harry one last peck on the lips.
"Dinner?" Severus asks.
"Mm, don't want to move." Harry protests, leaning forward to rest his head on Severus' shoulder.
Severus hooks a hand under both of Harry's thighs, standing in one swift motion.
Harry is so surprised that he lets out a very unmanly, very involuntary squeak. Severus laughs and sets him down on his feet.
"That was impressive, and kind of hot."
"Don't expect it again, I'm shocked I didn't break something."
Removed from his position on Severus' lap, Harry helps him prepare dinner. They make something quick and easy, honestly, Harry's still so full from lunch with Luna that he doesn't even feel like he needs a whole other meal, but Severus will give him a look if he says he isn't hungry.
Harry's very surprised by how easy things are. They aren't awkward around each other, they chat easily throughout dinner. Harry can almost think things are exactly as they were before Monday if it weren't for just how physical Severus is. Severus is constantly running a hand over Harry's waist or brushing their hands together. Harry likes it, it makes him feel desirable and gives him embarrassing butterflies in his stomach every time it happens.
It's later than they usually eat, and they don't finish cleaning everything until after ten, getting distracted a few times along the way by each other's lips.
Harry yawns first while they're standing in the kitchen, trying to fight how tired he is. He doesn't want to go to bed, worried that somehow all of this will go away overnight. Things can't just be this perfect. It's inevitable though, so eventually Harry brushes his teeth and changes into a tee shirt and boxers. He goes about his nightly routine like he normally would, then hesitates.
Severus hasn't mentioned anything, but Harry stands next to his own bed and desperately wants to sleep with Severus instead.
He knows that Severus will still be awake, he always stays up late reading and complains about being tired in the morning.
Sure enough, the door is ajar and light is streaming from the room. Harry doesn't know why, but he knocks very lightly on the door, Severus tells him to come in.
Severus is sitting up in bed, reading. He's shirtless and the blanket is pooled around his waist. Harry has to focus his thoughts to keep from stuttering, "I was wondering," he feels his cheeks flush, "If maybe I could sleep in here."
The embarrassment of asking is worth it for the grin that Severus gives him as he pulls back the blankets on the other side of the bed.
Harry gets into bed, laying on his side, facing away from Severus as usual. This time, though, he closes all the distance between them and curls up against Severus' side. He basks in the feeling of Severus right up against him. Severus rests his hand on Harry's hip gently.
"Does the light bother you?"
"No. Could you read out loud?"
"Of course," Severus resituates himself with his book while still resting a hand on Harry.
"Sev?" Harry asks, quietly before he begins reading. Severus just hmms in response. "Um, please don't," Harry pauses. He wishes he had asked if he could sleep here earlier so they could have had this conversation in an easier setting than literally in bed. "Don't touch me while I'm sleeping. Obviously, you can touch me but don't," Harry jams one of his palms into his eye and finally bluntly says, "Do anything sexual while I'm asleep. Please don't even kiss me to wake me up. Draco would wake me up to, well, rape I guess." Harry thinks of the time he only came to when Draco was ejaculating on his face, or when he'd fucked him awake after beating him.
Severus' hand tightens slightly on his hip and Harry burrows closer to him. "I'll never let anything like that happen to you again." Severus' voice is very intent. He calms himself a little, then asks, "Can I hold you while you sleep."
"Yes," Harry says eagerly, he likes that.
Harry yawns again and Severus brushes a strand of hair out of his face. Harry leans into the touch. Severus starts reading and Harry falls asleep feeling secure.
