August 6, 1995
The house was dark when they arrived. Not even the top bedroom window light was on, which was odd considering that, even though the occupants of the house had just slammed their car doors and backed out of the short driveway, the group of shadowy figures hiding in the bushes knew quite well that a fourth occupant remained inside.
They emerged into the light of a nearby streetlamp as soon as the car turned the corner at the end of the street, and snuck across to the dark house in a close pack. One of the figures near the front waved his wand and gruffly whispered, "Alohamora," unlocking the front door softly and letting them all inside.
The door opened into a very clean kitchen, with spotless counters, and a few spare pieces of furniture neatly tucked here and there out of the way or at a fashionable angle. It was one of these angled pieces – a chair – that tripped up the youngest of the group as she stepped forward, causing her to knock a plate out of setting and onto the floor where it shattered, breaking the silence.
"Tonks! I swear to–" started the leader, his magical eye rolling wildly in its socket to stare angrily at her.
"Sorry! I'm sorry, Mad-Eye, it was an accident," said the girl quickly. A tall, grey-haired wizard stepped from behind her, his wand out.
"Reparo," said Remus Lupin, and the plate leapt back onto the table where the cracks sealed themselves and disappeared. "Look, Moody, no harm done. Ron said Harry's bedroom is upstairs."
"Are Muggles normally this clean?" asked Kingsley Shacklebolt, his eyes roving over the shining taps and the spotless tile floor before landing on the last person to enter as she closed the door softly.
"I have never seen a house this clean in my life, Muggle or magical," said Mariah, making a face as she took in the kitchen. "Oh this is unnerving."
The others were moving out of the kitchen and into the hall. Mariah and Kingsley brought up the rear. Mariah glanced at the framed photos on the wall, illuminated by the light of the street lamps outside streaming through the fogged glass of the door, and her eyes stopped on the mother of the family. Her face was carefully arranged into an expression that looked as though it had been fixed for some time, her smile calculated and wooden, her beaky nose in the air as she coddled a large, round child that Mariah guessed to be Harry's cousin.
"They don't really look alike at all, do they?" said Kingsley, looking over her shoulder. "Did you ever meet her?"
"Yeah, they didn't really act much alike either," said Mariah. Kingsley shuffled along, looking around the house, but Mariah stayed put a moment, staring at the picture.
On impulse, she reached out and tilted the photo 15º to the left.
A light flared and Mariah looked around to see Tonks and everyone else looking up.
"Oooh he looks just like I thought he would," said Tonks, and Mariah looked up to see Harry staring down at them with a stunned expression, holding his wand and looking disheveled.
"Yeah, I see what you mean, Remus," Kingsley was saying. "He looks just like James."
"Except the eyes," said Elphias Doge. "Lily's eyes."
Those green eyes, so like Lily's as Elphias Doge had said, flitted from one face to the next until they connected with Mariah's and a nervous jolt ran through her and she looked sharply at her feet, and then around the room to cover up her impulse.
As Moody and Remus filled him in, she glanced around the hall at the other pictures on the wall. Harry featured in none of them, though most of them did feature his cousin. Mariah felt a creeping feeling as the full picture of Harry's childhood began to unfold a little.
Harry descended the stairs and they moved back into the kitchen where Moody took a seat in the chair Tonks had tripped over before, taking a swig from his hip flask. Remus was introducing the other members of the guard.
"And you remember Mariah Jaeger," said Remus, and Mariah snapped back to attention.
"Yeah," said Harry, still slow and shocked. Mariah waved, and, feeling a bit awkward, grinned.
"A surprising number of people volunteered to come and get you," said Remus.
"Yeah, well, the more the better. We're your guard, Potter," said Moody.
Mariah glanced back out of the window as the others talked. The rear guard were standing outside, waiting with the broomsticks. Mariah had nearly hung back with them, but she had a feeling that Remus had selected her for the advance guard for a reason. After all, half the Order had been clamoring to help rescue Harry Potter from his aunt and uncle's house, they were overstaffed as it was. Mariah turned away from the window, watching Moody bob his magical eye up and down in a glass of water. She knew why she was here. It was not enough to hang back and watch from a distance anymore.
"How're we getting – wherever we're going?" Harry asked.
"Brooms," said Remus, and Mariah felt a shiver down her spine that she tried not to think about. "Only way. You're too young to Apparate, they'll be watching the Floo Network and it's more than our life's worth to set up an unauthorized portkey."
"Remus says you're a good flier," said Kingsley.
"He's excellent," said Remus, checking his watch. "Anyway, you'd better go and get packed, Harry, we want to be ready to go when the signal comes."
"I'll help!" blurted Mariah just as Tonks also volunteered. The two looked at each other, and Tonks smiled and made a "come on" gesture as she followed Harry out of the room. Mariah followed, her nerves edging. She felt a hand clap her on the back and looked around to see Remus giving her an overly encouraging double thumbs up. She blushed and hurried after Tonks.
Harry's room was in a state of neglect and disarray, matching his appearance of someone who had been holed up for several days. Mariah looked around the room while Tonks changed her hair and Harry threw piles of clothes and books into his trunk. She looked over his bookshelf, mostly a mixture of textbooks but she spotted Quiddich Through the Ages glinting next to Hogwarts, A History. Her eye caught the windowsill, which had large gouge marks as though something had been ripped away.
"What happened here?" she asked, looking around at him. The room was tidier now- Tonks had just sent his belongings magically spiraling haphazardly into the trunk, leaving the floor clearer.
"Oh. The Dursleys had put bars in, but Ron, Fred and George ripped them out when they flew the car to break me out the summer before second year," said Harry, who seemed to be trying not to sound matter of fact. Mariah stared.
"Badass," she said, nodding with approval. Inside, however, her stomach turned. She eyed the haphazard trunk and waved her wand once. Everything in the trunk flew back into the air, neatly folded itself, and repacked tightly.
"Yeah she knows what she's doing," said Tonks, laughing. "How do you do that, then? I can never get these spells to work for me."
"Lots of practice," said Mariah, waving her wand again. Harry's trunk shut itself. "I can never fold shirts as cleanly as I can magic them folded."
"And I clean better with a scrub brush and vacuum," said Tonks. "Right, got everything? Cauldron, broom – wow! A Firebolt!"
Mariah's eyes fell on the broom and she felt a rush of warmth. Sirius had mentioned he had bought him a gift, but a Firebolt? That was on another level. Mariah imagined it had brought Sirius a lot of satisfaction to see his mother's money going towards something other than cursed antiques and magical supremacy campaigns.
Her next feeling was a sudden rush of anxiety, as they headed out of the room.
"Have you got everything you need, Harry?" she asked distractedly as Tonks bespelled his trunk to float along with them.
"Yeah, think so," said Harry. He looked eager to leave. Mariah was eager to be back, but not eager for what came next.
"Good. Let's go," she said, rather faintly.
They returned to the kitchen where Lupin had left a note for Harry's aunt and uncle, and Moody was waiting with his wand out. The others began filing outside as Moody Disillusioned Harry until he was a warped Harry-shaped blob magnifying bits of the room behind him. Mariah felt the bile rising in her throat as she walked out onto the lawn, where their brooms were lined up and waiting.
"'Clear night,' said Moody as he exited the kitchen onto the lawn. His dark eye returned to ground level, but his round, blue, magical aye had rolled up to stare straight through his skull." Could've done with a bit more cloud cover. Right," his eye rolled to look at Harry, "you! We're going to be flying in close formation. Tonks'll be right in front of you, keep close on her tail. Lupin'll be covering you from below. I'm going to be behind you. The rest'll be circling us. We don't break ranks for anything, got me? If one of us is killed–"
"Is that likely?" Harry asked apprehensively, glancing at where Mariah was clutching her broom looking particularly grim, but Moody ignored him.
"–the others keep flying, don't stop, don't break ranks. If they take out all of us and you survive, Harry, the rear guard are standing by to take over; keep flying east and they'll join you."
"Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye, he'll think we're not taking this seriously," said Tonks lightly.
"I'm just telling the boy the plan,' growled Moody. "Our job's to deliver him safely to Headquarters and if we die in the attempt–"
"No one's going to die," interrupted Kingsley Shacklebolt evenly.
"Mount your brooms, that's the first signal!" said Remus sharply, pointing into the sky. Mariah's eyes shot up and she felt her stomach turn over. Red sparks fired. It was time. She mounted her broom rather awkwardly. She had no broom of her own, she was pretty sure this one belonged to one of the Weasley twins. She prayed they hadn't jinxed it. They wouldn't jinx a mission...they most likely wouldn't jinx a mission–
"Second signal, let's go!" barked Remus. Mariah closed her eyes and kicked hard off of the ground, shooting higher and higher and higher into the air as the wind rushed over her, roaring in her ears. She didn't open her eyes.
"Hard left, hard left, there's a muggle looking up!" Moody shouted over the wind. Mariah opened her left eye a fraction and swerved, but heard a yell and corrected her broom. She heard Moody swear loudly. "Jaeger open your fucking eyes!"
Mariah opened her eyes slowly, breathing very quickly. They were nearly even with the clouds now, and Mariah suddenly realized with a cold, terrible jolt that this was the highest she had ever been on a broomstick. She had never flown higher than the Hogwarts castle building, and though she was heavily reminded of several plane trips she had taken as a child, she had been strapped in and warm and safe in a plane, and here she was leaned uncomfortably forward on a wooden stick thousands of miles above the ground trying to protect someone else when she could barely bring herself to look anywhere but at the very tip of her broomstick handle.
"Bearing south!" shouted Moody. "Town ahead!"
Mariah shifted her gaze around to see which way the others were turning, and followed their lead. She could see the others in the guard beginning to circle Harry, and willed herself to follow their formation while trying not to throw up. She spotted Harry's face. He looked exhilarated.
"Bear southeast and keep climbing, there's some low cloud ahead we can lose ourselves in!" shouted Moody.
"We're not going through clouds!" Mariah heard Tonks cry. "We'll get soaked, Mad-Eye!"
They turned again and kept flying. Mariah tried to focus on the circling pattern rather than the ground far below or the wind rushing by them, freezing them to their broomsticks. She understood now why Remus had bullied her into wearing three layers of clothing. Her hands were bloodless where the wind washed over them where they gripped the broom handle, stark white against the darkness. She spotted Remus, who raised an eyebrow at her, but went back to her focus. He was definitely going to tell Sirius about this.
"We ought to double back for a bit, just to make sure we're not being followed," shouted Moody. Mariah felt a lurch. She didn't think she could stand another minute.
"ARE YOU MAD, MAD-EYE?" cried Tonks. "We're all frozen to our brooms! If we keep going off-course we're never going to get there until next week! Besides, we're nearly there now!"
"Time to start the descent!" shouted Remus. "Follow Tonks, Harry."
"Oh thank Merlin," whispered Mariah under her breath. But the next minute she was hissing a steady "Oh shit oh shit oh shit," as she saw Harry follow Tonks into a sharp dive. The others around her angled their brooms and she closed her eyes again, following their lead.
She wanted to scream. They were rocketing towards the Earth and the fear of the view of the ground charging up to meet her was too much to bear. The wind roared around her, and she clung tightly to her broom, gripping it for dear life.
"JAEGER! EYES!" shouted Moody, and Mariah opened one eye in time to see buildings approaching. She slowed her descent, and evened out her broom as the others slowed.
They touched down in the square, where Tonks unmounted her broom easily and began unstrapping Harry's trunk. Harry was shivering, but looked none the worse for wear. Despite Mariah's feet touching the ground, her body continued its descent, slumping down her broomstick until she was crouched on the ground in a standing fetal position, her hands still too tightly tensed to let go. The adrenaline was still pumping hard through her veins, but she worried that if she moved at all she would vomit.
She felt a hand on her shoulder, and glanced up to see Remus leaning over her.
"That was remarkable," he said, both eyebrows raised. "I didn't know you couldn't ride a broom." Mariah leaned her head forward until her forehead rested against the broomstick handle.
"Shut up," she muttered through gritted teeth.
"Do you need help?" asked Remus. Mariah nodded wordlessly, and he helped her to her feet. She swayed unsteadily, but he clapped her on the back and continued forward with the others as 12 Grimmauld Place expanded into view before them.
As Remus unlocked the front door and ushered Harry inside, Mariah took a few short, unsteady steps before Moody caught her arm and dragged her the rest of the way towards the house.
"Some guard you are, riding a broomstick with your eyes shut," he growled. "I didn't realize when I asked if Potter was a good flier that I should have opened up the question to everyone else. You'd have been useless in an attack! Worse yet you'd have distracted the rest of us and we could have been killed! If you can't fly a bloody broomstick then don't volunteer for a broomstick mission!"
"Shhh, Mad-Eye," hissed Hestia Jones as she entered the hall. Moody thrust Mariah forward and went about putting the streetlights back in their lamps.
Mariah staggered forward into the dimly lit hall. The others were whispering and tiptoeing their way along past the curtained portrait of Walburga Black. Mariah followed them to the end of the hall, where they turned not up the stairs, but down the stairs into the basement kitchen, where the Order was waiting mid-meeting.
Remus was giving his report of the mission to the people seated at the long wooden table, there. The room was crowded, and there were no empty chairs, so Mariah leaned against a counter, her light-headedness giving way to a heavy nausea in the pit of her stomach. She spotted Snape at the other end of the table, glaring at Remus. Nearer to their end of the table she spotted Sirius's long, dark mop of hair. He didn't look back at her. She stared at the floor and focused on not puking.
Moody very graciously did not announce Mariah's failings as a flier upon entering the room, and the meeting was adjourned after a half an hour. Mariah seized an empty seat the moment it opened up.
"I'll get the kids for dinner," said Molly Weasley, walking up the stairs while Bill and Arthur hung back to talk.
"They're going to be looking for curse breakers," Bill was saying, gesturing at a scroll laid out on the table. "They can't remove it without Him showing up in person, and that's not about to happen anytime soon but that doesn't mean they won't be trying."
"Yes...and you're sure you're safe?" asked Arthur.
"I wouldn't be the first one on their minds since I'm not particularly famous and my title's changed. Not to mention I've been abroad for ages," said Bill. "I have an idea of who they might try. I might be able to convince one or two to join our side but I'm more concerned with the Imperius Curse. That's how they managed to get the Silent Bell back in the first war from what I heard."
Mariah glanced around at them, but at that moment a loud scream of cursing came from up the stairs as someone woke up Walburga's portrait.
"Not again," groaned Sirius from where he was talking to Remus by the stairs.
"I'll bet that was Tonks tripping over that umbrella stand again," said Remus and the two of them sprinted up to the hallway.
Mariah glanced around and spotted a high cabinet with its door ajar. Slowly, she eased herself out of her chair and walked over to it, withdrawing a bottle of firewhiskey. She picked up one of the many empty goblets littering the table and filled it, storing the bottle back away quickly with a sharp glance over her shoulder at the door.
She eased herself back into her seat at the table as the screaming upstairs suddenly halted and she heard Bill say a name all too familiar to her.
"What?" she asked sharply, looking around at them. Bill looked at her imploringly.
"We'll have to touch base with her," he said. "We can't risk a curse breaker as good as Roxana going over to Him." Mariah took a sip of her drink.
"Not me," she said solidly.
"If we can help it, no," said Arthur. "But there's always a chance you may have to do something you're uncomfortable with for the sake of the greater good, so I suggest you start preparing now."
Mariah scowled, downing half her drink. A lot of nasty thoughts ran through her head, but she held her tongue. Her first month working in the Order had been a hard lesson in swallowing her pride and learning to cooperate. Medical teamwork was, by comparison, a cakewalk. She and the other healers had maintained a friendly distance, and all were handy in a crisis, but working for the Order had consisted largely of heated discussions and brainstorming in a large group, and cooperating with people who knew far more about her than she was comfortable with. Ever since the article came out and she had resigned from Hogwarts, St. Mungo's had decided to put her on paid leave while they debated if it was appropriate to keep the wife of Notorious Mass-Murderer Sirius Black on staff. In the meantime, Mariah had shifted her focus to the Order, only to find suspicion there as well. Few of them had good impressions of Kurt Lovell, and despite her insistence that the article had lied, they had remained skeptical.
It had been an uphill battle to win people's trust, and so far none had been so hard to win over as Molly Weasley. The article alone had led to daily comments muttered under her breath regarding Mariah's virtue, and the revelation of her godmother status – accidentally disclosed by Remus a month after the Weasleys had moved into Grimmauld place – had solidified her icy demeanor. It wasn't long before Mariah began to feel her watching whenever Harry was discussed, not to mention any time she went for the liquor cabinet.
When Remus had initially called for volunteers to escort Harry back from the Dursleys', she had felt Molly Weasley breathing down her neck so closely that she had volunteered deliberately to prove to Molly that she was indeed serious about the Order as well as Harry's well-being. And look how that had turned out.
The loud clearing of a throat made Mariah jump, and she glanced back to where Molly Weasley was standing in the doorway with Harry close behind her, looking at Bill and Arthur expectantly where they still stood in front of several open scrolls. Mariah took advantage of her distraction to drain the rest of her goblet and nonchalantly move it under the table, tipping her wandtip inside and muttering, "Aguamenti." The goblet filled with water, and Mariah brought it back to the table's surface again before Molly's eyes could land on her.
As Molly ushered Bill out of the room with the plans and Sirius and Harry settled near the end of the table, Mundungus Fletcher awoke and began to smoke his acrid pipe. Mariah's stomach undulated uncomfortably and she found herself regretting the whiskey, putting her head on the cool surface of the table and focusing very hard on not throwing up.
"If you want dinner before midnight I'll need a hand," Mrs. Weasley said from the front of the room where the stove was. "No, you can stay where you are, Harry dear, you've had a long journey–"'
"What can I do, Molly?" asked Tonks, excitedly.
"Er–no, it's all right, Tonks, you have a rest too, you've done enough today," Mariah heard Molly say. She then sensed the familiar sensation of a sharp gaze lasering in on her. "What's the matter with you, then, Mariah?"
"Feel sick," said Mariah, rolling her head to the side so Molly could hear her.
"It's your own fault," she heard Sirius say with a laugh. She felt a little relieved to hear him in a good mood. He had been sulking for the last week or so, brooding in his mother's room where he kept Buckbeak stalled while they had made the plans to retrieve Harry. He had wanted very badly to have been a part of the guard. But he smirked now, throwing her an amused look. "You should have just stayed behind."
"I wanted to help," muttered Mariah, rolling her head the other way to look at him. "Can't help much while I'm on probation from St. Mungo's." Sirius shrugged.
"I guess I can't fault you for that," he said.
"What are you talking about?" asked Molly sharply. Mariah braced herself, but Sirius winked at her.
"I just meant it's good to be useful," he said. "And not forced to stay inside day after day after day after day after–"
"Alright, alright," said Molly, returning to the vegetable chopping. Ginny and Tonks were clearing away the wine glasses, stray parchment, and half-melted candles, and setting the table for dinner. Mariah would normally have helped them, but this time she slid out of her chair and slunk out of the room to avoid further questions. She heard Sirius muttering to Harry as she passed, low enough that Molly couldn't hear him.
"Mariah's got a flying phobia."
Mariah slunk up the stairs to the room where she was living. It was a strange arrangement. Though she and Sirius had reconciled, he stayed in his own room while she stayed in Regulus's old room. Remus slept in Sirius's room except for when he was on Order missions for sometimes up to a week at a time. But while they had become friends again, it seemed that their friendship was nearly the same as it had been before the war, while Mariah had been kept separate, across the hall, at arm's length.
"Filthy half-breed…" she heard a creaking grumble from the drawing room on the first floor as she passed it up to the second. Kreacher. She kept moving. "...Mistress would have died rather than see the bloodline muddied up by Mudblood whores…"
She made it to the third floor before throwing up.
Dinner was a quiet affair. The food kept everyone busy, and only after dessert had been distributed along the table did they begin to break out in clustered, overlapping conversations. Mariah sat near Fred and George Weasley, who were cackling at Mundungus Fletcher's stories of business dealings gone awry that he was relating between swigs of butterbeer, and also near Tonks, who was changing her facial features by request for Ginny and Hermione. She had relaxed, her stomach back to normal, though emptier than everyone else's as she took it easy.
"You don't happen to have the antidote for the puking pastilles worked out yet, do you?" she asked George under her breath.
"Can't tell, subjects can't stop puking long enough to test it," he whispered back.
"I can wait," muttered Mariah.
When Mariah had joined the Order she had been mostly useful for clearing up any injuries the members came in with, but her most frequent customers had been Fred and George Weasley, who had each come down with a different illness every week since she'd arrived. After their fifth trip, when both of them had dropped by her room extremely faint and white from blood loss, she had demanded the truth. They decided to let her in on the secret development of their joke shop, reasoning that it was probably better to have a healer on call behind the scenes if they were going to continue experimenting on themselves.
"By the way, Mum knows about the mission," whispered Fred. "Moody filled her in on your failures as a flying guard."
"Shit," hissed Mariah, running a hand through her hair. "I'm trying aren't I?"
"You'll never win if you try," said George. "She's unpredictable. Like the sea."
"Or the wind," supplanted Fred.
"Or an earthquake," said George.
"Or a volcano."
"Or a raging Spanish bull."
They fell silent as Molly's gaze shifted sharply to look at them, Fred and George quickly burying their faces in their Butterbeer goblets.
Mariah sipped away at her own goblet, thinking. She caught Tonks's eye from Ginny's other side, and Tonks screwed up her face, turning her hair long, blue, and wavy and her eyes three times their normal size, giving her an oversized pitiful look. Mariah laughed despite herself.
The room grew sleepy after dessert, everyone full and relaxed in their chairs as the conversation grew light and unconcerned.
"Nearly time for bed, I think," said Molly, moving to stand up.
"Not just yet, Molly," said Sirius suddenly, looking at Harry. "You know, I'm surprised at you. I thought the first thing you'd do when you got here would be to start asking questions about Voldemort." Mariah felt her sleepiness give way to unease
"I did!" said Harry sharply. "I asked Ron and Hermione but they said we're not allowed in the Order, so –"
"And they're quite right! You're too young!" said Molly with alarm.
"Since when did someone have to be in the Order of the Phoenix to ask questions?" countered Sirius. "Harry's been trapped in that Muggle house for a month. He's got the right to know what's been happen–"
"Hang on!" shouted George suddenly, making Mariah jump.
"How come Harry gets his questions answered?" demanded Fred.
"We've been trying to get stuff out of you for a month and you haven't told us a single stinking thing!" said George, glaring around the table. Mariah looked affronted when he met her eyes reproachfully. She'd felt they were on the same side, although she had firmly denied them any insider information on the Order activities at the idea of the sorts of torture Molly Weasley would have subjected her to had she crossed that line..
"You're too young, you're not in the Order," mimicked Fred in a clear impersonation of Molly. "Harry's not even of age!"
"It's not my fault you haven't been told what the Order's doing," said Sirius. "That's your parents' decision. Harry on the other hand –" Mariah ran a hand through her hair, realizing where this was about to go. She reached for her goblet, but raised it to her lips before she realized it was empty. She grabbed George's instead, and drank deeply.
"It's not down to you to decide what's good for Harry!" said Molly sharply. "You haven't forgotten what Dumbledore said, I suppose?"
"Which bit?" asked Sirius.
"The bit about not telling Harry more than he needs to know," said Molly.
"I don't intend to tell him more than he needs to know, Molly," said Sirius. "But as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back he has more right than most to –"
"He's not a member of the Order of the Phoenix!" shouted Molly. "He's only fifteen and –"
"– and he's dealt with as much as most in the Order, and more than some –" fired Sirius, but Molly cut him off.
"No one's denying what he's done! But he's still –"
"He's not a child!" dismissed Sirius.
"He's not an adult either!" shot Molly. "He's not James, Sirius!"
Mariah felt a jolt down her spine. Remus was watching Sirius very carefully. Mariah glanced at Harry, who was watching his godfather with as much anticipation.
"I'm perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly," said Sirius coldly. Molly wasn't deterred.
"I'm not sure you are! Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it's as though you've got your best friend back!"
"What's wrong with that?" asked Harry.
"What's wrong, Harry, is that you are not your father, however much you might look like him," said Molly, not looking away from Sirius. "You are still at school and adults responsible for you should not forget it!" Mariah felt the nosedive sensation increasing and clutched her chair just as Molly rounded on her. "Both of them, I might add, lest we forget!"
"Hey!" said Mariah defensively.
"Meaning I'm an irresponsible godfather?" challenged Sirius, his voice rising.
"Meaning you have been known to act rashly, Sirius, which is why Dumbledore keeps reminding you to stay at home and–"
"We'll leave my instructions from Dumbledore out of this, if you please!"
"Arthur! Back me up!" said Molly sharply, rounding on her husband. Arthur Weasley took his time answering.
Mariah began planning her exit strategy, eyeing the distance to the door, but her conscience held her in place. She knew she was supposed to be taking a more active role, after all, she was his godmother and she was going to act like it, that was the promise she made…but there was no use arguing with Molly. Mariah and Sirius had not even discussed what would happen to Harry once he'd actually gotten to Grimmauld place. They'd barely spoken at all...
"Dumbledore knows the position has changed, Molly," said Arthur. "He accepts that Harry will have to be filled in, to a certain extent, now that he is staying at headquarters–"
"Yes, but there's a difference between that and inviting him to ask whatever he likes!" said Molly. She rounded on Mariah again. "You're being so quiet! Why don't you say something! You're his godmother, the decision is as much yours as it is Sirius's!"
Mariah felt as though a spotlight had lit just over her head as everyone looked around at her. She felt Sirius' hollow stare and avoided looking at him. If ever there was a chance for redemption in Molly's eyes, it was now. But, unfortunately, the same went for her relationship with Sirius. Where Mariah had long since felt like she stood at the bottom of two mountains she had no hope of climbing, she now suddenly felt as though she'd been thrust onto a tightrope between the peaks, with a long drop back to the bottom that was an all too-easy slip away.
"W-we haven't even had a chance to discuss," she said shakily, gesturing at Sirius. "If this is a joint decision, shouldn't we –"
"Oh I think he's worked out his position on the matter quite clearly without your help," said Molly promptly. "Go on, what do you think?"
Mariah sighed, looking at Harry. His last words to her echoed in her ears, 'I wish it had been you, I wish you had gone to Azkaban in his place.' Then probably Sirius would have had his way, she mused. Fifteen years old, demanding to know the truth. Mariah grimaced, remembering her own struggles with the truth in her school days. That combined with the fear and confusion of having faced Voldemort for the second time that spring only to be shut away again in his hated Muggle family's house must be driving him mad. Mariah thought of Sirius, trapped in his mother's house again. She thought of the gouged window where Harry had lived behind bars in his Aunt's house, the all-too-clean kitchen, the pictures of Petunia and her family, not a spot of Lily or Harry in sight. Spotlessly erased.
"He's not of age," she said finally, and she felt rather than saw Molly's sudden hope, "But, he shouldn't be left in the dark. He did, after all, fight Him directly, and His return is about Harry as much as it is about the wizarding world as a whole. It's...different from last time in that way. And I've never come across a situation where rumors and secrets and guesses have done a better job than the truth could have done on its own."
She could feel Molly's feelings of betrayal all the way at the other end of the table, but she ventured a glance at Sirius. He was looking at Harry, but she couldn't tell if his face was warm or darkly triumphant.
"Personally, I agree," said Remus quickly, before Molly could retort. I think it better that Harry gets the facts – not all the facts, Molly, but the general picture – from us, rather than a garbled version from...others." He glanced at Fred and George so quickly that Mariah could not be sure she hadn't imagined it. Molly looked defeated.
Well," she sighed, looking around for some sign of solidarity," I can see I'm going to be overruled. I'll just say this: Dumbledore must have had his reasons for not wanting Harry to know too much, and speaking as someone who has Harry's best interests at heart –"
"He's not your son," said Sirius under his breath.
"He's as good as!" said Molly sharply. "Who else has he got?"
"He's got me!" growled Sirius.
"Yes," said Molly nastily, "the thing is, it's been rather difficult for you to look after him while you've been locked up in Azkaban, hasn't it?"
"That's not fair, Molly," said Mariah sharply as Sirius started to get up from his chair.
"And where have you been all these years?" shot Molly, rounding on her again, the betrayal fresh in her memory. "Flitting around impulsively. Some parents you two would have made. It's probably for the best that –"
"Molly," interjected Remus sharply, "You're not the only person at this table who cares about Harry. Sirius, sit down. Mariah…"
Mariah had not realized that she had gotten to her feet. Every inch of her seemed to have frozen in shock and rage. 'It's probably for the best that…' She shook her head, heading for the door.
"Mariah," repeated Remus.
"No, I really don't feel well, I'm going to bed. Molly, I've said where I stand on this," she heard herself say as she walked out of the door and up the stairs.
Mariah made her way up to the fourth floor in a daze. Whereas before she had felt sick to her stomach, she now felt as though she had no stomach at all, and with each step closer to solitude and the promise of unconsciousness, Molly's unspoken words reverberated between the shards of her shattered brain.
'It's probably for the best that you never had any children.'
