March 19, 1979
Sirius watched the rain overflow the gutter across the street from his flat, and wondered for the fiftieth time if he should cancel. He was already dressed in Muggle garb, complete with wool coat and boots, though he wasn't due to leave for another half hour, and now he sat fully dressed watching the storm with nothing left to do but count the minutes.
He'd had a lot of time lately, but strangely he wasn't resentful. Mad-Eye had reported him to Dumbledore, true to his word, and Sirius had been barred from missions for the time being. He was too 'unpredictable'. Peter, James and Lily had defended him of course, but they were being admonished for their own flagrant disregard for orders. All of them – Marlene and the Longbottoms included – had come under fire for facing Voldemort directly, and all had gone into hiding for an indeterminate amount of time. Sirius, too, was meant to be bunking with Remus at the Prewetts', but he had needed one night to himself. One night to gather his thoughts and the last of his courage, and set his life in order.
Mariah had returned to work, God help her. Sirius knew she wasn't ready, but he had said nothing when she'd told them she'd sent an owl. He felt better knowing she was at St. Mungo's most of the time, out of harm's way.
They'd had very little time to talk after their escape. They'd reappeared in Godric's Hollow, collapsing in the square. Sirius had managed to get them into Lily and James's house, where Mariah had fallen asleep before she could heal anything. Lily, James, Peter, and the Longbottoms had arrived an hour later by Floo, and Alice and Lily had moved Mariah upstairs to clean her up and put her to bed.
Mariah had slept for days, waking up only to eat and heal her many injuries best she could with a borrowed wand. Sirius had tried to give her space, but still held his breath until Lily gave him confirmation that she hadn't been bitten.
"Are you going to talk to her?" Lily had asked him. "I didn't want to press her for details. She's been through a lot, and while she's not infected, she might be…fragile."
He had tried. He'd been at the door, about to knock. But he couldn't think of the words.
"Let me."
Sirius had turned to see Remus standing at the top of the stairs. He nodded at the door.
"Let me talk to her first."
Sirius shook his head. "I can't just say nothing. I have to…I have to apologize at least for–"
"If anyone has to apologize, it's me," said Remus. "It was my fault."
"If I hadn't…she would still be in the Order if I hadn't–"
"It wasn't your fault she got Obliviated, Sirius," Remus sighed. "You didn't know Dumbledore was going to do that. You were trying to do what you thought was best."
"I'm still responsible," muttered Sirius. "Because of me there was no one left to look after her."
"It was my potion she was shopping for, Sirius," said Remus. "My friend who kidnapped her. Because I had told him what she could do. It was my fault."
Sirius hesitated, then shook his head. "You didn't know what he was," he said definitively.
"Still, it led to this," said Remus. "Let me speak to her, first. I'll make it right."
Sirius had put a hand on his shoulder, then pulled him into a hug, which Remus had returned.
But Sirius had not gotten another chance. Instead, Dumbledore had come to speak to her.
"What's he going to do to her?" he'd asked James on the stairs, his nerves on edge.
"He said he wants to talk," James had said.
Sirius had snuck upstairs when his nerves finally became too much, but found Dumbledore seated at the desk in the corner, facing Mariah, still bedridden.
"Can I help you, Sirius?" Dumbledore asked. Sirius had looked between him and Mariah.
"Uh…tea," he said. "Tea? Either of you?"
"Perhaps another time," said Dumbledore. "When we have finished talking."
Sirius looked to Mariah. He didn't have an excuse, but he didn't want to leave her alone.
"It's okay, Sirius," she said pointedly. He nodded. Hopefully she knew what she was doing.
"I'll be just outside in case you change your mind. About the tea."
He'd sat in the hall, eyes on the door, until Dumbledore had left an hour later. Then he'd crept back in to see Mariah, who assured him she was fine before going back to sleep.
She'd left just a few days later, and for weeks Sirius had been unsure of what to do. Until an owl had come knocking at his window one night, long after everyone had gone to bed, a small envelope in its grasp.
Meet me at the Winterberry Café this Sunday at 9am
– Mariah
The Winterberry Café was a Muggle coffee shop near his flat that they'd gone to when they'd first started living together. Neutral ground.
Sirius watched the downpour pound the windows of his apartment, trying to swallow his nerves. Remus knew he was staying at home tonight. He would make his excuses to Gideon and Fabian if they came back early from their mission, leaving Sirius with little to worry about save for what he was going to say. And this time there was no one to help him.
He was on his own.
Mariah's heart leapt to her throat as the door flew shut with a bang loud enough to shake the windows. It was the wind – another blustery day that week as a cold front rolled in, the last vestiges of winter trying to hang on longer before spring – but Mariah checked her six all the same, as she had done habitually ever since her return to the world.
Though the Leaky Cauldron would have been relatively uncrowded on a Sunday afternoon, Mariah had chosen the Winterberry Café instead. The truth was that she had no desire to return to Diagon Alley anytime soon. When she had returned to the Leaky Cauldron for her things, she'd had an unexpected panic attack at the sight of the unfinished Wolfsbane Potion, and had left the entire cauldron behind.
After she ordered, she picked a seat by the window. She needed to be awake for this conversation. If she could've helped it, she would have had the day off, but since her return to St. Mungo's, she had been placed on exclusively overnight shifts for a solid week and a half. Many of the other mediwizards were under the impression that she'd had a mental breakdown, or, more selfishly, taken an impromptu vacation on the down low. Had they known the real reason for her extended absence, her schedule would have been easier, but the official reason given for her near week-long absence had been a 'family emergency' without elaboration.
"Muggle attacks are in the papers, couldn't we have said that?" she'd asked, but Lily had shot it down.
"We don't know who might be a supporter," she said. "If you bring this up at work, it may prompt a different kind of retaliation."
Mariah thought overnight shifts were retaliation enough without adding another reason to be constantly looking over her shoulder.
She supposed she should be grateful for the job – and the locker she'd charmed to magically fit all of her belongings after moving out of the Leaky Cauldron – but her return to work had been shaky. Her stamina was shot, and she felt exhausted all the time. The little sleep she did get had been in backrooms on her breaks or Lily's guest room when she was home. And even then she was haunted by dreams.
She checked the clock. Still ten minutes until noon.
But then the door opened, and she saw him, windblown and dripping from the rain, but unbothered. Even now, after years of knowing him, seeing his cocky grin still stirred something inside her.
"Sorry I'm late," said Sirius, pulling off his coat and shaking off the rain before sitting. He was wearing Muggle clothes. Mariah hadn't even bothered, throwing on the first robe she found that wasn't her lime green St. Mungo's uniform, and surrendering to the stares. She was too tired to feel self-conscious.
"You're not late."
"Yeah, well. I was going to try to beat you here," he shrugged, taking a seat. Mariah snorted, sipping her coffee. Sirius looked at her closely. "How are you doing?"
"Great," said Mariah. "I'm not fired. Still looking for a flat. Everything's back to normal."
Sirius laughed dryly. "No skin off your back, ay? Kidnapping, torture, goddamn trolley problems," He held up one hand. "Shall we not?"
Mariah eyed him evenly. "How are you, Sirius?"
"Fucking awful." He lifted a hand, and Mariah saw it trembling slightly. "This keeps happening. I can barely hold my wand straight. Can't sleep. And I owe Mansfield a book on werewolves since he lied to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to get the files, and now they're asking to see a few chapters."
Mariah held her hand out for comparison, but it was steady. "That should wear off. Might take another few weeks, but I don't think it will be permanent."
"Thanks, Doc," said Sirius, retracting his hand.
Mariah's mouth twitched, but she didn't feel reassured. She could still remember his screams, and the unimaginable pain that had ripped her own body apart. She knew he remembered it, too. "You can't sleep either?"
"No, I keep dreaming about Snivellus and his stupid fucking face," Sirius ran his hand through his hair. Mariah noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the way the lines across his forehead didn't disappear completely when his face relaxed.
"I keep dreaming about Greyback," she said.
"Yeah?" Sirius watched her carefully. She looked down at the silhouette of her reflection in her coffee. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Some other time." Mariah traced the scar on her wrist where her bone had broken the skin. She had reset the bone once they were safe, but the wound had already begun to scar.
"I would have thought you'd have made a potion for that by now," noted Sirius. "The dreams. Made a Dreamless Sleep concoction or something."
Mariah leaned back, watching the rain."I haven't had time to go shopping." Not since her last ill-fated errand. She'd rather have nightmares.
Sirius hesitated. "Remus told me he's not taking the potion anymore."
"Yeah, he told me that, too," said Mariah. Remus had come to see her at Lily's, looking noticeably ragged after the battle at the Lestranges'. Had thanked her for all her help. "He said he needed time to reevaluate."
"I think we're all on the same page, there," Sirius flashed a weak smile.
Mariah stretched her hands under the table. It was now or never.
"So…I wanted to talk to you about…about what we were going to talk about on Valentine's Day," she said, glancing up at him. Sirius nodded.
"I'll tell you whatever you want, best I can," he said.
"Okay…" Mariah took a deep breath. "From what Dumbledore and Remus have told me, it doesn't sound like it was your fault I was Obliviated. But obviously you've been hiding a large part of your life for our entire relationship."
"I didn't want to," said Sirius. "I know that counts for shit, but I swear–"
"I know," said Mariah. "But it hurts to be lied to, all the same. And I told you, I can't be with someone who lies to me."
"I'm sorry," said Sirius.
"Thank you," said Mariah, spreading her hands on the table. "That said, Sirius…I…" She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "I keep remembering the way Greyback made me run from him every day. Every day I tried to escape, and every day he proved to me that escape was impossible. And I just kept thinking about how nobody would be coming to save me." Her voice broke. She took another deep breath, but it was shaky. "I just kept thinking about how you were waiting for me, and you'd think…"
She broke off again as the tears came, wiping them away impatiently. Sirius extended a hand, palm open, and she took it, clutching it fiercely in her own.
"Thanks for not giving up right away," she said thickly. Sirius nodded, but said nothing.
Mariah got up to get more napkins. She blew her nose, and wiped the tears away, breathing slowly to recover herself.
"So…all this to say…I know you're…you're out there fighting the good fight," she continued. "And I know there are things you won't be able to tell me. But I was thinking that maybe…that's okay? Dumbledore offered to…well. I don't think I belong in that world." She took another deep breath, proceeding slowly. "But that doesn't mean…well it shouldn't mean that we can't work something out." She looked up at him, eyes bleary again. "I feel like I can trust you, and as long as I can trust you, maybe the details aren't important."
She attempted a smile, reaching for Sirius's hand again. He didn't extend it.
"Um…" He cleared his throat. "I don't know if that's such a good idea."
"Oh…" Mariah felt the fragile pieces of her heart sharpen to small, delicate daggers. She withdrew her hand. "I see."
"No, Mariah, I need you to know how much I want this." Sirius was looking at her, gray eyes clear in the light, jaw set. "I want it. More than anything."
"Okay?"
Sirius nodded, looking at the table, then out at the storm. Mariah could feel his leg vibrating under the table. "But I just keep remembering…being in the room, and watching them hurt you, and not being able to do a single thing about it."
Mariah heard a waver in his voice. He glanced once at her, but kept his eyes resolutely elsewhere. "If we get back together, I can't promise that won't happen again. And until I can make that promise, we have to stay…apart."
"So that's it, then," said Mariah. "We're done?"
"I…guess, yeah," said Sirius.
Mariah looked out at the rain. She spotted a man nearly lose his umbrella to the wind. It inverted, and he stepped off the curb into the rushing water, cursing.
"It feels like the end of the world," she said, rubbing her temple.
"Yeah," said Sirius. "It does."
Mariah glanced at him. "You can't prevent the bad things from happening, Sirius. Even if you push me away. They're going to happen."
Sirius's mouth set in an uncertain line. "Mariah…"
"Keep your promises," said Mariah. "If the world is ending, Sirius, I'd rather spend it with you. Because with you I feel like I actually stand a chance."
"You saw what Snape did. He used you to get to me. To try to extract information. How do you know that won't happen again?" hissed Sirius, dropping his voice.
"We won't let him know we're together," said Mariah. "We won't let anyone know."
Sirius sat back. "You're not serious."
"No, that's your job," said Mariah.
Sirius snorted, shaking his head. "Stupid."
"If anyone asks, we called it quits like you wanted," said Mariah. "I'll go back to St. Mungo's, you'll go back to freedom fighting. But we'll always come back to each other."
A slow grin spread across Sirius's face. Mariah extended her hand again, palm up. Sirius took it.
"Seems like a pretty big commitment for a commitment-phobe," he said pointedly. "What's changed?"
Mariah took her time answering, her thumb brushing across his knuckle. His hand was larger than hers, calloused, and warm.
"When my parents split up, my home life fell apart," she said, finally. "I didn't want to hand you the power to break me."
Sirius tightened his grip.
"I won't break you," he said. "That I can promise."
Mariah reached for his other hand, and they held each other tightly, holding each other's gaze.
"There's one more thing I want you to do for me," said Mariah. "To make things right."
"Name it," said Sirius.
The rain cleared by sunset, and a pink and copper glow glinted off of the drops still clinging to the grassy lawn where Sirius waited. He kicked a bit of dirt off of his motorcycle's front wheel, and glanced over his shoulder. She had been inside for nearly twenty minutes. But she'd told him to wait, and so wait he would.
Mariah hadn't seen her half brother in nearly a year. Sirius wanted to give them the time they needed.
He eyed the toes of his boots. He hadn't seen his own brother in nearly just as long. Part of him regretted the lack of communication, but he couldn't bring himself to write. What would he say? What did he hope to hear?
The door to the house opened, and he looked around to see Mariah approaching.
"What did he say?" he asked, getting to his feet. Mariah's eyes were red and puffy. He felt like he already knew the answer before she nodded.
"We've said our goodbyes," she said. "It's time."
Sirius squeezed her shoulder. "Are you sure? This isn't reversible."
"It's his choice," said Mariah. "I want him to be happy."
Sirius nodded, and approached the house, leaving Mariah out by the bike.
Devon Jaeger sat on the couch in his late father's house, looking up when Sirius entered, wand raised.
"You were at the funeral," he noted. "Are you two…"
"I'm a friend," said Sirius.
"And you're going to erase my memory of all this…magic bullshit," asked Devon.
Sirius breathed his frustration away in a sigh. "If you're certain that's what you want."
Devon nodded. "I keep seeing Dad lying there, bleeding and…I want it gone. All of it." He stood up, stepping closer to Sirius. "I'm ready."
Sirius raised his wand, touching the tip to Devon's forehead. Devon's face twitched, his hazel eyes, so like Mariah's, hard in their gaze.
"Will it hurt?" he asked.
"No," said Sirius. "It should feel like waking up from a dream."
"Good." Devon straightened, shutting his eyes. "Take care of her," he added sharply, opening one eye.
Sirius nodded. "I will. Obliviate."
Hello, dear readers! Unfortunately, this is the start of another hiatus, and to be honest, it may be the ultimate hiatus. I wanted to at least try to wrap up some of the storyline to make it satisfying for y'all, but this is far as I can take it. Lafayette and I truly appreciate all the love y'all have shown this fic over the years. We've been writing it for over a decade, and it means a lot to us! We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have! Love to all of you, forever. – Napoleon
