Chapter 9: ´Membering stuff

October

"All right, p-p-p-people! It´s t-t-t-time!" Jimmy Valmer screamed with gusto into his microphone in the middle of a UFC style octagon. "The moment y-you have all b-b-been waiting f-f-for! T-the main fight of the night!"

The venue was packed, the tickets sold out as the inhabitants of South Park cheered and enjoyed their beers for everyone´s favorite yearly event.

Vendors selling beer, hot dogs, wings, popcorn…

"Int-t-troducing f-first. FIGHTING out of t-t-t-t-the l-l-left corner, he is f-f-fat, he is m-m-mean, he makes f-f-fun of breast c-c-cancer and he´s ready to b-b-brawl, weighing at 212 pounds, 6ft tall and wearing red shorts… Eric, 'the t-t-thunder warrior' C-c-c-Cartman!" Jimmy screamed into the microphone as the crowed boo´d Cartman and he gave them all the finger.

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck every last one of you! Specially Kyle!" Cartman said, smiling with glee.

"And his opponent, f-f-for the f-f-first time ever n-n-not the same. Rep-p-presenting h-her mother, she´s got fire in h-h-her eyes and v-v-vengeance in h-her heart! Currently going through law school at C-C-Collumbia, she´s r-r-read-d-dy to throw the b-b-book at him! FIGHTING out of the r-r-right corner, weighting at 107 p-pounds, 5´7ft tall and wearing blue shorts… Emily 'the Law' T-Testab-b-burger!"

The crowd cheered loudly, as Emily saluted them all

"FUCK HIM UP, SWEETIE!" Screamed Wendy, behind Emily in her corner.

"Thanks mom!" Emily said "I´m gonna fuck you up, dad!"

"Bring it on, pumpkin!" Cartman answered

"Ladies and g-g-gentlem-m-men, it´s t-t-time for another B-b-Breast C-Cancer Fighting C-Championship!"

Jimmy announced, as the bell rung and the fight started.

28 years ago, Junior year

*SMACK!*

Another punch collided against Eric Cartman´s face. It wasn´t uncommon for him, to get into a fist fight. It happened once every three or four months, sometimes once a month.

He lost count of how many times he found himself in such a situation. Well, the specific situation he was currently in, he could count just fine. He´s been through this exactly eight times, once a year, every October ever since he was 9.

Getting the shit beat out of him by Wendy Testaburger because he was making fun of breast cancer.

Punch after punch landed on his face. To onlookers, he seemed to be completely outmatched by the girl. The truth, he would only keep to himself.

*SMACK!*

Wendy breathed heavily, exhausted from the fight. Cartman got a punch or two in, but she spent the better part of the last three minutes punching his face as hard as he could.

She was, at this point, years past denying to herself that she was completely and hopelessly in love with the bleeding boy in front of her. She only kept it a secret for two reasons

Firstly, because he seemed to despise her and loathe the very air that she breathed, as it seemed to be a waste of resources, keeping her alive. There was no point in trying to start a relationship with someone that hates you.

Secondly, because Eric Cartman was a constant maelstrom of chaos and destruction that dragged everything and everyone around him into his messes and she didn´t need that in her life.

Still, it was agonizing to hide her true feelings, never to see the light of day or even have the tiniest hope they would ever be reciprocated. It was painful, sad and tormenting and she has been dealing with that since she was 14. (Well, 12, if she was truly honest with herself).

She loved Octobers, though. Once a year, she would have some release from her torment. Once a year, she could spend a week or two pretending she hated him. Once a year, she could have him all to herself, even if in the most fucked and twisted way possible.

She could slip back into the sweet delusion that all she wanted was for them to remain bitter enemies.

"I´m finished" She said, between desperate gasps for air.

He lifted himself from the ground, as she could see his face swelled and bleeding. She really did a number on him this time. Whatever she lacked in muscle, Wendy Testaburger compensated with the deadliest fighting tool known to man: skinny hands that felt like a bunch of iron bars stuck together for those on the wrong side of them.

"Cool" He said, spitting out some of the blood in his mouth "Same time next year"

He walked to his car, without another word.

It was unfair, she thought. The very least he could do after getting the shit beat out of him was apologizing for what he said, but he never did. Not once in eight years.

Hearing his car exit the parking lot was all the encouragement she needed to go straight to his house walking.

Every year. Every goddamn year, without fail, this would happen. She would start her breast cancer awareness campaign, he would make fun of it until she couldn´t stand it anymore and challenge him to a fight. Then, they would duke it out in front of most of the school and a good number of townspeople, she would beat the shit out of him while Bebe, Red and Nichole distributed breast cancer pamphlets to the crowd.

It got to the point where it was an unofficial yearly school event.

Two years ago, Clyde even sold popcorn and soda cans at the fight. This year, Tweek and Craig set up a Tweek Bros. Coffee stand.

And not once.

Not fucking once.

Did he apologize.

Every year, he would do this. And this year, he even had the balls to write a song called "Killer Titty Attack" that he somehow got the school to play on the speakers. And worst of all, the song was catchy!

It was a Guns n Roses inspired 80´s rock thing. His raspy, beautiful voice sounded amazing and now the fucking song was STUCK IN HER HEAD ON REPEAT!

"Killer titties! On the attack!

Killer titties! On the attack!

God damn it!" She muttered to herself, a block or two away from his house.

Why?

Why is this whole thing so appealing to her? Why is all this absurdity so enticing?

She was beating him to a pulp not 30 minutes ago and now all she wanted to do was rub her face in his chubby chest. It was infuriating!

He always went above and beyond when it came to antagonizing her, no half measures allowed. It was always spectacular and extra, usually involving forming angry mobs out to get her, videos, songs, commercials…

Maybe that´s what she loved the most about him. His drive, his passion, his insanity. Not a single person on earth could really measure up to the sheer insanity that Eric Cartman could muster in his efforts to make her life a living hell and she loved every minute of it.

That fire in his eyes, when he looks at her. Those amber flames of hellfire he has for eyes. Burning and steadily directed at her. Those sweet, beautiful flames he saved only for her. He looked at everyone the same way, with the same burning in his gaze. There was, however, a hint of something he saved only for her. They seemed to shine the brightest when directed at her. She didn´t know why and she wanted to, more than anything. To discover the fuel behind the fire that he saved only for her.

Maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way about her. Or maybe she was deluding herself and she was nothing more than his favorite punching bag. It mattered not. The fire in his eyes always melted her soul.

She rang the doorbell

Inside, Eric Cartman smiled to himself as he cleaned the blood from his face. This year was the most spectacular fight of all. Wendy was so mad!

And she looked so sexy with all that anger in her eyes. Totally worth the black eye.

His mom was out in a "night out with friends" (which Eric interpreted as "I REAAAALLY don´t want to know what she´s actually doing"), so he answered the door himself, surprised to see a very angry Wendy Testaburger. He wasn´t expecting her to even look him in the eye for at least another month, as it usually happened after the annual fight. Therefore, he resorted to playing it off as nothing.

"Oh" He said, opening the door "Hey ho"

"Apologize." She said, stern look on her face

"What?" He asked, genuinely confused

"Tomorrow, in front of the whole school. You´re gonna apologize for making fun of breast cancer or I will beat your ass again"

"Hmmmm… Interesting proposition, let me think for a second" He said, putting his hand on his chin, mocking her "No. I won´t do that. Thanks for stopping by, ho"

"GAAAAH!" She screamed

"Wow, calm down ho, you´re pretty tired from the fight" Cartman said, smiling and mocking her all the way

"Oh, I´m tired? I´M TIRED?! YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE JUST SMASHED A TRUCK FULL OF ANGRY CHIUAUAS AGAINST IT, YOU FAT FUCK!"

"Ey!"

"Now, you´re gonna apologize TOMORROW in front of the whole fucking school or I´m gonna kick your ass every day until you fucking do!" She screamed, pushing him inside and forcing her way into the house

"Oh, you wanna prolong our yearly bout, huh? Fine, I´m game. Every day after school. Sounds good to you?" Cartman said, never disassembling the smile on his face.

"GAAAAAAH!" She screamed in a manner that was guaranteed to damage her voice and tried punching him in the face.

It was then, however that he did something that surprised her. He dodged, right before the punch would land and pushed her in to his couch.

She tried again and again to get up from the couch to fight him, but she couldn´t, for the life of her land a hit. He just kept pushing her back into the couch again and again, until she got tired.

It was then that Wendy realized something very important about the whole situation.

"You´re faking it" She said, eyes wide open and deadpan expression on her face. "All this time, you´ve been letting me kick your ass every goddamn year!"

"Well, not all this time. The first two, you actually kicked my ass fair and square. You know, before puberty" He said, laughing mildly. "Want some chips? I was just about to watch the new Terrance and Philip"

"WHY?!" She asked, somehow angrier than before

"Well, because this week Terrance and Philip are gonna travel back in time to the Viking age and…"

"NO, YOU ASSHOLE!" She screamed "Why the fuck do you let me beat you every year?"

"Well, maybe it´s because I´m a linebacker and you weigh as much as three patagonian penguins hiding under a trench coat pretending to be human" Cartman explained "I thought you knew this, ho"

"But why go through it every year? Why let everyone in town see you get beat up by a skinny girl EVERY GOD DAMN PINK OCTOBER?!" Wendy asked "You could just NOT DO THIS, you know that, right? You could just kick my ass or not make fun of fucking breast cancer but you put yourself and everyone else through this fucking shitshow EVERY FUCKING YEAR!"

"Well, it is kind of fun to get you all riled up like that." Cartman said "plus, it´s for a good cause. You guys do distribute more pamphlets during our fights than any other time, right?"

It hit her like a ton of bricks that he was 100% correct on this one. They would distribute, during their fights, more pamphlets than the rest of the entire month combined. It also crept into her head that maybe, just maybe, Cartman did all of this just to get her attention. It was fun exclusively because it was her.

"So now that you know, I´m thinking, next year we can get Timmy and Jimmy to organize the whole event. Jimmy could be the announcer and Timmy could be the referee and…" Cartman said

"Why do you fucking care? You don't even like me or care about breast cancer, so why…" She asked

"First of all, I do care about breast cancer, I have a mom." He said, pulling up one of her pamphlets from his pocket "Second, of course I like you, I just annoy you to get your attention because you don´t like me back"

"What?!" Wendy said, trying really take in everything he just said.

It was unthinkable. It was downright absurd.

Eric Cartman, heir to the racism of Adolph Hitler, not only cared about breast cancer but went out of his way to raise awareness for it every year.

And on top of that, he liked her. He genuinely liked her.

"You like me?" She asked, flabbergasted "You actually like me?"

"Well, duh, Wendy! I thought you´re supposed to be smart! Everyone knows this" Cartman said "Literally everyone. I just assumed you knew too"

"Wait, wait, wait, back up a moment. You like me." She asked, because she wasn´t gonna risk her deepest, darkest secret on a maybe "How, exactly? Like, you like me as a person, as a friend, or…"

"No, you dumb bitch! I have a major crush on you since third grade"

"Really?" She said, as he thought the smile on her face and happiness on her voice were nothing more than wishful thinking on his end.

"Well, yeah! I thought you knew this!" He said, grabbing her head from the side and talking into it "Hello? Is anyone there? Earth to slut, I repeat, earth to slut, we require signs of inteligen…"

He was cut off by her lips crashing against his.

They´ve been together ever since.

From then on, every October they would organize the yearly Breast Cancer Fighting Championship, which worked simultaneously as a fundraiser and an awareness event.

Every year, at the community center, they would organize a major fighting event where people would duke it out in front of an audience, with vendors and t-shirts, Jimmy as an announcer, Timmy as the referee and multiple fights, culminating in the main event of Cartman fighting Wendy. All profits and proceedings would be donated to breast cancer related charities.

Present day

*SMACK!*

Fists collided repeatedly against Eric Cartman´s face, as his daughter was definitely winning this fight.

Most people wouldn´t notice, because they were used to Cartman getting his ass kicked by a girl in these events, but he was holding back even more against Emily than he usually did against Wendy.

He usually got a punch or two into Wendy´s face during their fights, but he was straight up refusing to go for the face against Emily.

Only Wendy took notice of that. He was very protective of Emily, who grew up the stereotypical "daddy´s girl".

The bell rung, ending the first round. It was the first time in 28 years that Cartman lasted more than one round.

"Alright p-p-people, l-let´s hear it for our f-f-fighters!" Jimmy says, to the crowd as they cheered. "Rem-m-member, every dollar of the p-p-proceedings for t-t-tonight will be d-d-donated to breast cancer fighting f-f-funds!"

"How do you do this?" Emily asked her mother, in the right corner. "He just won´t go down!"

"You have to put weight behind your punches. Twist your hips while you punch and he will go down" Wendy said, giving Emily her water.

"Wow, one whole round." Kenny said from Cartman´s corner "First time ever"

"There´s an anonymous doner willing to pledge ten thousand dollars for every punch I get" Cartman "Jokes on him, because I´m milking that asshole for every penny"

"Probably someone you pissed off this year" Kenny said

"Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?" Cartman answered

Wendy was very sick at this point. She even took a leave as mayor to take care of her health. She was, at all times, sick and exhausted. That´s why the doctors didn´t clear her for the fight and she had to have Emily replace her. Still, she wouldn´t miss this for the world. Her daughter, following in her footsteps to kick her father´s ass. A beautiful moment in the family. Maybe once she got better, they could schedule for Billy and Emily to fight in this event too.

Wendy loved her children with all her heart. She could still remember very vividly the day she was born, as it was a prelude to the absolute insanity that her daughter would bring to this earth.

Both fighters got up. Time for round two.

*DING!*

25 years ago, the streets of South Park

*BANG!*

A bullet went through the head of one, Kenny McCormick.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" Said Stan, shooting another platypus in the head with his shotgun.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Said Kyle, unloading the Galil rifle on his hands into the heard of angry platypuses shooting at them, while Cartman drove the car to Hell´s Pass

"Yes, keep breathing. Just keep breathing honey!" Cartman said, to his girlfriend dry heaving through labor pains in the backseat.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!" Wendy said, from her troubled state in the backseat.

It was a Tegriddy Farms pick-up truck, so it was Cartman in the driver seat, Butters in the front seat, Wendy in the back, crowning and Stan and Kyle in the trunk, shooting at the platypuses. Well, and Kenny´s corpse in the trunk too.

"Eric, uh, you should drive a little faster, unless you want an extra person in this car real soon" Butters said, looking at Wendy in the back

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Wendy screamed.

"Why the hell is there an army of communist platypuses in the streets anyway?" Kyle asked

"I don´t know and I don´t want to know because it´s probably my dad´s fault" Stan answered

It was.

"Baconator to Jessica Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, do you copy? Over." Cartman said into a walkie-talkie

"I copy, what´s your status? Over." Bebe responded

"ETA in 5 minutes, we´ve got prototype E incoming, over" Cartman said

"Copy that. Bag of skittles and Meth-head are on the ground, waiting for extraction, over" Bebe said, adjusting the sights of her sniper rifle

"Bag of skittles in place, over!" Craig talked into his walkie talkie.

"Meth-head in place, over. ACK!" Tweek seconded

"Kosher meat, ready" Kyle said

"Emo bitch, ready" Stan said

"Bike-curious, ready" Butters said

"Tree-huger, crowning. AAAAAAAAAAH!" Wendy said

"Where is Sour Milk?" Bebe asked.

"Sour milk is KIA. I repeat, Sour Milk is KIA, over!" Cartman responded

"YOU BASTARDS!" Bebe said, unloading as much as she could from the rooftop of Hell´s Pass before a bullet went through her head as well.

"Jessica Rabbit is down. I repeat, Jessica Rabbit is down, over" Craig said on the com.

"Next time, I pick the call signs." Kyle said

"Jews can´t pick the call signs" Cartman answered

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Wendy screamed.

As soon as they got to the hospital, Tweek and Craig loaded Wendy into a gurney and went back to shooting the platypus army.

Cartman spent the better part of 3 hours killing platypuses with his machine gun, until the doctor escorted him inside to welcome his daughter in to the world.

"Breathe, Wendy!" Cartman said

"AAAAAAH!" Wendy screamed, as the sound of gunfire tried to drown out her screams "I can´t do this"

"Yes, you can, ho. You can fucking do this. You never backed down from anything in your whole fucking life, so don´t fucking start now!" Cartman said, as she squeezed his hand as hard as she could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sounded the final push, as the Baby finally came out into the doctors hand.

"You guys! You guys! Prototype E has arrived and she looks awesome, you guys!" Cartman said over the walkie-talkie, "Look, honey. She´s beautiful! Awesome! Look, she has your eyes and… and… this looks like my chin and my mom´s knee and…"

"Hold on. It´s gonna take me a minute." Wendy said, still catching her breath. The doctors put the baby in her hands.

"Hi. Hi, baby girl!" Wendy said, never feeling happier in her life.

"Do you have the baby´s name?" The doctor asked

"Yes, we do." Cartman said

"Emily Lianne Cartman" Wendy answered.

She let Cartman put her mom´s name in the middle on the account of how much Mrs. Cartman helped her throughout the pregnancy.

Thus, was born Emily Lianne Cartman. In another Sunday morning in that quiet mountain town.

Present day

*SMACK!*

"He is d-d-down, ladies and gentlem-m-man! Eric C-c-cartman is down! The c-c-crowd goes wild! Oh my God, they k-k-killed Kenny!" Jimmy said, as one of the octagon columns got knocked over by Cartman into Kenny´s skull

"YOU BASTARDS!" the crowd screamed

The referee went to do the countdown

"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny… JOHNNY!" The son of Timmy Burch, replacing his father as the referee for the first-time announced Emily as the victor

"Emily! 'The l-l-law!' T-t-testaburger! She wins the f-f-fight, l-ladies and g-gentlem-m-men!"

"YOU WON!" Wendy cheered, as her daughter ran across the ring celebrating.

"It´s another v-v-victory on the T-t-Testab-burger camp, l-l-ladies and gentlemen!"

It was kind of weird hearing her maiden name again, after so many months. She has been out of the mayor´s office for two months only, but that was just about the only place where she was still called "Wendy Testaburger". She missed her maiden name. If only she hadn´t made that stupid bet with Cartman all those years ago…

23 years ago

*CLINK*

The glasses collided, as the group of friends sat at Skitter´s bar, celebrating Wendy and Cartman´s engagement. It was really getting ridiculous at this point, postponing getting married for two years after their daughter was born. Then again, they had to finish their educations and then it was getting jobs, then Wendy got that job as a lawyer and then Cartman got his dream job at the CIA, having to balance all of that with raising a daughter…

It has been two long years of mayhem and neither of them got time to think about tying the knot. Well, until a week ago when Cartman popped the question after losing the Breast Cancer Fighting Championship to Wendy again. He just had Kenny give him the ring after getting up from the ground and taking Timmy´s microphone.

Wendy cried, the whole town cheered, they made out, he got some blood in her eye, it was beautiful.

They sat out to have their wedding five months from now, precisely two months after Kenny and Bebe would have their third child.

It was Stan, Kyle, Butters, Cartman and Wendy, Kenny and Bebe sat at a table, all drinking beer, except for Bebe who drank water.

Which led to Kenny´s current proposition to the group.

"Alright. Third child on the way and we´re running out of godparents." Kenny said "first, it was Cartman and Wendy, second it was Karen and her husband. So, this time, we decided to do something different. We´re gonna play… GOD PARENT DRINKATHON!" Kenny said loudly, impersonating a game show host.

No one reacted.

"You guys, god parent drinkathon" He explained "Stan, Cartman and Butters are gonna do shots until they all pass out and the last man standing gets to be the godfather"

"Well, fellers, I don´t know if that´s a good idea. If I get home drunk, my wife will ground me!" Said Butters, as no one even acknowledged his concerns

"Hey, wait a minute. How come none of you ever ask me and Rebecca to be godparents?" Kyle asked, offended.

"Jews can´t be godparents" Said Cartman, in the happiest tone he ever uttered his usual 'jews can´t' spiel

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU RACIST PIECE OF SHIT!" Said Kyle, ready to punch Cartman in the face.

"No, dude, he´s right about this one. You have to be Catholic to be a godparent in the religious side of things"

"Oh. Sorry" Said Kyle, to Cartman.

The current godparent configuration of the group was this

Cartman and Wendy had Kenny Jr.

Karen and her husband Jack had Karen Jr.

Kenny and Bebe had Emily

Shelly and her husband Eddie had Sam Marsh, but Kyle was sort of the 'real' godfather to the kid.

Stan and Henrietta were Godparents to Ben Broflowski.

Cartman and Wendy were godparents to Marjorie Stotch.

To be fair, Kenny could just name Butters the godfather and be done with it, but he decided it was more fun to do the shots thing.

"Alright. Let´s play, GODPARENT DRINKATHON!" Kenny screamed, to which they all cheered

"The rules." Said Bebe, putting a bottle on the table "Each of you will drink shots of tequila together, shot after shot. You pass out, you lose. You puke, you lose. You drink a non-alcoholic beverage, you lose. You fail to drink your shot, you lose. Last man standing and the significant other are the godparents. Good? Now, go!"

Three shots in

"Oh, man. You guys are getting married. Fuck. In my mind, you´re still supposed to hate each other" Said Stan

Five shots in

"I… Love you, man. I mean, I rip on you for being a jew, but… you´re like a brother to me, you know that, right?" Said Cartman to Kyle

"You´re my brother too, dude. I love you too" Said Kyle, who decided to keep up with his friends drinking

7 shots in

They hugged and Cartman puked on Kyle´s shirt

"Aw, sick, dude!" Said Kyle complaining

"One down!" Said Bebe

8 shots in

"Fellers, I, uh, don´t think I can make it" Said Butters, already dizzy.

Cartman was semi-conscious and laying against Wendy, Kyle was puking on a bucket and Stan was in that state of drunkness your speech stops making sense stuff.

"Ubwaba,gibup" Said Stan

"He said, 'just give up'. UUUUUUURGH" Said Kyle, before continuing to vomit

"Hold on, let me get another bottle for you guys" Said Kenny, also keeping up with the shots.

As soon as he got up, he stumbled on the foot of his chair, getting in the middle of a guy playing darts and the dart went straight to his neck and he bled to death

"uh,bygud,daykilKenny!" Said Stan

"YOU BASTARDS! UUUUUURGH" Vomited Kyle

9 shots in

Butters looked like he was about to hurl or pass out or both.

Stan was still woozy, but he looked like he was in better shape than Butters.

"Well, looks like you´re gonna be the godfather this time, Stan" Said Wendy, to Stan sitting close to her

"Wuh? BLEEEEEEEEEERGH!" He puked on Wendy´s face

"God damn it, not this again" Wendy said, cleaning herself with Cartman´s shirt as he woke up. "I bet you never puked on Henrietta, did you?"

"Wonortwy" Stan said

"He said 'once or twice'. UUUURGH" Said Kyle.

"WE HAVE THE GODFATHER! Keith McCormick will be the godchild to Butters and Sally!" Bebe cheered, lifting Butter´s hand.

Just then, Butters threw up on Bebe´s feet, who got knocked down and hit her head so hard her neck snapped.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED BEBE!" Said Wendy

"YOU BASTARD!" Said Kyle, finally finished with puking.

"Oh my god, she´s gonna lose that child! She might be immortal but the child is not!" Wendy said, worried sick

"What? Of course the child is immortal too, they all are!" Said Cartman, waking up completely sobber.

"No, they´re not! None of their kids have died yet!" said Wendy

"Well, to be fair, Kenny only started dying around 5 or 6 years old," said Kyle

"Well, she has never died while pregnant. We don´t know what´s gonna happen!" Wendy said

"Wanna bet?" Cartman said

She was shocked. Was Cartman really willing to bet on something so horrible? On the death of his best friend´s child? Well, fine, but she was gonna make him sorry for this for the rest of his fucking life!

"If the child is dead, you´re going to take my last name, deal?" Wendy said, pissed off

"Deal. But if the child isn´t dead, you´re going to take my last name, ho" Cartman said

She was horrified. She never wanted to take his last name. She wanted to remain Wendy Testaburger forever. But she was also very sure that she was right about this one. And Cartman was going to be real sorry about this for the rest of his life.

"Deal, Mr. Testaburger!" Said Wendy, very angry and offering her hand for him to shake

"Deal, Mrs. Cartman" he shook her hand with a smirk

The next morning

"Oh, hey Bebe. I´m sorry about last night. It must be really hard on you" Wendy said, over her phone

"Oh, it´s no big deal. I´m pretty used to it by now. Cthulhu even had some chips for me and Kenny this time" Bebe said

"What? But, the baby!" Said Wendy

"The baby? Wendy, all my kids are immortal too. I´ve died plenty of times while pregnant before, you just never saw it" Bebe said

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" Cartman laughed in glee, despite his massive hangover.

"Is that Cartman?" Bebe asked

"Yes, that´s him" Wendy said, defeated

"Why is he laughing?" Bebe said

"Because now I have to take his last name" Wendy said

"You guys made a bet on whether or not my kids were immortal too, didn´t you?" Bebe asked, somewhat disappointed

"I WANTED HIM TO FEEL SORRY FOR NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!" Wendy said

"Well, I´d be mad, but I think you got yourself a decent enough punishment on your own" Said Bebe "Mrs. Cartman"

"God damn it" Wendy said

5 months later

"Ladies and Gentlemen, for the first time ever, Mr and Mrs. Eric and Wendy Cartman!" announced Kenny at their Wedding reception.

Wendy should be mad at this and Kenny was fully doing it to mock her, but she was too happy to care at the moment. She was married to the love of her life and even though she regretted the bet, she was content with how things turned out.

She danced with Eric to Eternal Flame, as the crowd looked on.

"You´re not angry with your new last name?" asked Cartman

"Oh, I´m not happy about it" Wendy answered "I´m still using my 'Testaburger' in every professional capacity, though"

"I figured" said Cartman "I don´t mind it, though. Cartman or Testaburger, as of tonight you are legally and in the eyes of God, my bitch"

"And you are legally and in the eyes of God, my asshole!" said Wendy "I love you"

"I love you too" Said Cartman, kissing her.

Present day

Wendy was too sick to take care of him this time. Every year, after the annual fight she would tend to his wounds. This time, however, she was completely exhausted, just like she had been every day for the past 4 months.

It fell upon Emily to clean up her father´s wounds.

"AAAAARGH!" Screamed Cartman as Emily wiped the cut above his temple with some alcohol to clean it up "Easy! This hurts"

"Well, I can´t help it, it´s alcohol on an open wound, it will sting" Said Emily

"Just give me some booze to fight off the pain at least, fuck!" Said Cartman

"You know where the whiskey is" said Wendy, laying down on the couch

Emily went to take the beverage from the designated compartment.

"How are you feeling?" Wendy asked

"Well, her hands are as boney as yours, so better than usual hehe" Cartman answered "At least we´ve got enough money for the rest of your treatment and we can finally just tell that insurance company to go fuck themselves"

Wendy was tired.

She was really tired from all this shitshow.

From chemo, from treatment, from feeling weak…

They were all tired.

"Well, silver linings." Wendy said "I think I´m catching some sleep on the couch today. Too tired to go up the stairs"

Eric got up and moved towards her. As he made the move to carry her, she stopped him

"No, honey, that´s not necessary. You must be exhausted from the fight" Wendy said

"I can´t carry it for you. But I can carry you" He said, trying to play it off as a joke by imitating Sam from Lord of the Rings.

It was true, though.

He was doing everything he could. But she was the one who had to fight this.

It´s just like principal Victoria told her all those years ago.

Cancer is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed.

When there is cancer, you have to fight it.

You can´t reason with cancer and you can´t wish it away.

Cancer doesn´t play by the rules and neither can you.

You have to be willing to give up anything because cancer can take everything.

She made her decision in that moment. It was all or nothing. In the next year´s BCFC she would either be fighting in the octagon or it would be held in her memory.

She would either go back to being Wendy Testaburger or go out in a blaze of glory, fighting until her last breath.

As Eric was about to walk away from the bed, she said one last thing to him. The one trigger she was hesitant to pull up until now.

"Tomorrow, I´m gonna call my doctors and ask about mastectomy. See what my options are"

As much as he loved her boobs, he has been hoping she would come to this decision for months now.

"One titty chopping, coming right up" He said, walking out of the room.

She fell asleep with a smile on her face, listening to Eric bitch and moan downstairs as Emily patched him up.