Walking into the mission felt a bit surreal. The last time he'd been there, it was after he'd escaped from his prison and stumbled in, bleeding and in pain. Most of the details were fuzzy, but even his battered mind had chosen this place to come to. Was it just because he knew it was close? Because it made the most sense to go where he was known, instead of taking a chance and asking a stranger? Or was it because even back then, a part of him knew he could count on the people inside?
Deeks wouldn't claim that he was a completely changed man. That his breakthroughs with his team and in group had permanently changed his mindset and he was happy and healthy. He would say he was better, but not perfect. Perfection was unobtainable, even in the best of circumstances. And really, the thought of having no issues in life terrified him, because he would always be waiting for something to take it all away. So there was good, but there was also bad. He was just figuring out how to work with it all.
Hetty hadn't sounded surprised at all when he asked to meet with her. It seemed like she always knew what was going to happen, before you even knew yourself. At first it was kind of scary and a lot annoying, but Deeks had gotten used to it. It helped that they were on the same side of things. Having someone with such power and intuitiveness in your corner was comforting.
Deeks glanced at his desk as he walked by. It looked just as it normally did. He hadn't bothered personalizing it before, using the excuse that it would be clutter. In truth, in his mind, the less he had there meant the less he had to pack when he left. And the less ammo he gave the others to pick him apart with. It was safer to like nothing, than to like the wrong thing. Maybe they would've surprised him, but it was too late to know now.
"It's good to see you again, Mr. Deeks." It was only practice that kept Deeks from jumping in surprise at the sudden voice behind him. He turned slowly, smiling down at his tiny boss.
"You are a sight for sore eyes as well," Deeks drawled, tipping his head in greeting.
"How about we have our chat in my office? I've got a nice pot of tea waiting for us on my desk," Hetty said, walking in that direction without waiting for an answer. It wasn't really a question, no matter how she worded it. Hetty liked to give people the semblance of having a choice, even when something was a direct order. Deeks was happy enough to go along to get along, in certain circumstances.
"Nice to see not much has changed. I was worried you would redecorate while I was gone," Deeks joked. He didn't really care about how the place looked, but he did worry about being replaced. Even if he didn't want to come back, the idea of them bringing someone new in before he gave the official word made him feel a certain way. Maybe it was selfish, since another person would only help the team during cases, but what if they liked the new person more? Even if Deeks never came back or saw any of them again, the thought of that stung.
"Why fix what isn't broken?" Hetty asked, sitting down in her seat. Deeks took the chair across from her, trying to force himself to relax. This was like being called to the principal's office, times a thousand. He wouldn't be surprised if they all had special chairs made to keep people feeling uncomfortable, just to keep the upper hand.
"Good motto to live by," Deeks agreed.
"Tea?" Hetty offered, holding the little pot above her cup.
"No, thank you," Deeks declined politely. He had gotten better about accepting food he hadn't seen prepared, but Hetty's loose leaf tea was pushing his progress a bit too far. Besides the fact that he didn't enjoy it under normal circumstances, the thought of drinking a concoction that Hetty mixed up was out of the question. Hetty wasn't the type to drink a normal green or chamomile tea.
"Very well," Hetty agreed easily, pouring herself a cup and taking a sip. Deeks wasn't sure if she was waiting for him to say something, but he didn't really know where to start. Even if he was known for his constant talking, right now he didn't know how to begin.
"So," Deeks said, dragging out the word a little in hopes that Hetty would take that as a cue.
"Yes, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked, looking at him with the barest hint of a smirk. She was going to make him do this, no matter how long he stalled.
"I guess we need to talk about this, since it's been a while," Deeks sighed, resigned to his fate.
"That it has."
"A lot of stuff has happened."
"As it tends to do."
"You can't just make this easy on me?"
"The work is part of the journey." Deeks groaned and ran a hand down his face. Hetty was a good boss, but it didn't mean she wasn't frustrating.
"What we talked about while I was in the hospital, about me leaving NCIS. Honestly, up until a few weeks ago, I thought I'd made up my mind."
"And what changed it?"
"It's always been easy for me to move onto something new, whenever I wanted to or felt like I had to. To leave everything behind and start over. And I thought if I did it this time, I would be taking some of my control back, but I realized it would mean the opposite," Deeks explained, forcing himself not to look at where his still fading scars were hidden under his sleeves. "I would be letting another bad event determine my life. But I don't want to do it this time. I won't give it that power."
"It sounds like you've made good progress," Hetty commended.
"I'm still not back to how I was," Deeks admitted. He still spent some nights on his couch, when his bed brought up too many memories. And cringed anytime someone touched him when he didn't expect it. It wasn't as bad as the early days, but his experience was always in the back of his mind.
"And do you prefer the man you were before? Do you think the old Deeks is better than who you are now?"
"Maybe. In some ways," Deeks shrugged, thinking back to how he was before everything happened. He knew in his mind that he was still the same person, but he also felt so different. "I think who I am now is stronger. I hate that I had to go through everything to realize it, but people rarely figure out hard truths about themselves in a simple way."
"A lesson that only a select few are fortunate and unfortunate enough to learn," Hetty said with a knowing nod. Deeks didn't have to explain tough situations to Hetty. The things she'd seen in her career would probably bring him to his knees.
"I got so hung up on being a victim. That term, that label. It was like an albatross around my neck," Deeks explained, shaking his head. "But I realized that it didn't have to be a title that defined me. It's just a term for what happened to me. It doesn't speak ill of me, but of the people who did something bad to me. I've never looked down on the people we help in our cases and I realize that I deserve the same grace."
"That you do."
"There's still a lot of good I can do in this job. I can't let this be the thing that stops me from doing it," Deeks declared, finally ready to announce his decision. "I'd like to rejoin the team, if you'll still have me."
"Your place here was never in question," Hetty assured him. Somehow, she probably did know that he would stay, no matter what he said before. It was strange for someone to have that kind of faith in him and he wasn't going to take it for granted.
"Dr. Harrington should be sending the results of my physical any minute now. He gave me a clean bill of health."
"Very good."
"And if you think I need to talk to Nate again, I won't fight you on it." Deeks felt like the relaxed vibe of the group meetings was working well for him, but he was willing to put in the work with a professional if that's what Hetty needed to feel good about him back in the field. He understood that his mental well-being was important to take care of on and off the job.
"I'll keep that in mind, but for now I don't feel it is necessary," Hetty replied, standing up from her chair. Deeks did the same, glad the talk was over, even though it had gone better than he thought. A small part of him wondered if Hetty would make him jump through hoops to come back or outright reject him. But he shouldn't have worried. "Welcome back, Mr. Deeks."
"Thank you, Hetty," Deeks said sincerely.
"I see your colleagues are coming in. Why don't you go join them?" Hetty proposed, tipping her head in the direction of the bullpen. Deeks nodded, rapping his knuckles on her desk as he turned and walked toward the others. Things had gotten better with them, but this would be the real test. If they actually accepted him as their teammate, or if it was all lip service. Kensi spotted him first, breaking out into a wide smile.
"You didn't tell me you were coming back today," Kensi said, dropping her bag onto her mess of a desk.
"I like to keep people on their toes," Deeks shrugged, ignoring the slight twist in his stomach as he walked over to his desk. The last time he'd sat there with the others, not including when he'd almost bled out, it hadn't gone well. It was a typical day with him on the outside of the group, but hopefully it would be the last one like that.
"Coffee pot's empty, but I was just able to get two mugs out of it," Callen said, casually setting one of the mugs down on Deeks' desk before continuing on to his own.
"Thanks," Deeks replied in surprise.
"It's black, so you'll have to add anything you want in it yourself. My days of being a barista are over."
"But you looked so cute in that apron," Kensi teased, sitting down and booting up her computer.
"Until that old lady got mad at you for how you made her cappuccino and tossed it all over you," Sam smirked.
"I got first degree burns from that! Blisters across one side of my neck."
"And then you wore that awful scarf to try to cover it up," Kensi cackled, tipping back in her chair.
"I don't know. I've been known to rock a scarf occasionally myself," Deeks said, trying to ease himself into the conversation.
"Thank you."
"But since he was working, he had to wear a scarf in the coffeehouse's colors, which were-"
"Pink and yellow!" Kensi interrupted, breaking out into a full snorting laugh.
"It wasn't that bad," Callen grumbled.
"It was that bad," Sam argued, leaning over to show Deeks his phone screen. There was a picture of a very annoyed Callen, with a very bright scarf around his neck.
"I'm glad that place got shut down."
"I think it was very fashion forward," Deeks assured him, making sure to look away from the picture before the sight of it made him burst out laughing. It really was atrocious.
"What's the worst thing you had to wear during an undercover assignment?" Callen asked. Deeks turned his head toward Sam and Kensi, waiting to hear their answer. When it didn't come after a few seconds, he looked to see Callen staring at him.
"Oh, me?"
"Definitely your homeless getup. That smell," Kensi said, gagging exaggeratedly.
"It's not that bad. You get nose blind to it pretty quick," Deeks waved off, leaning back in his chair. "Mine would have to be dressing up as a clown for a kid's birthday party. The outfit was scratchy, the wig and nose kept trying to fall off, and all that paint made me feel like I was gonna suffocate like Jill Masterson in Goldfinger. The two day crash course I had to suffer through to learn all things clown was icing on the cake."
"Did you learn how to make balloon animals?" Kensi wondered.
"Yeah."
"Can you make me a balloon gun?" Kensi asked excitedly.
"Of course you'd want a balloon gun," Deeks snorted, shaking his head fondly at her. "Yeah, I can make you one. It might look a bit like a dog though, since I'm a little out of practice." Callen and Sam started debating the best children's party activities while Deeks listened on with a small smile. He added his opinion here and there, but he mostly stayed quiet. Sometimes it was nice to sit back and enjoy the banter, when he wasn't being excluded or the brunt of the joke. He didn't need to be the loudest voice in the room, just one of them.
A shrilly played kazoo broke through the conversation. Everyone turned to see Eric and Nell standing at the bottom of the stairs. Nell was rubbing her abused ear while Eric held his instrument proudly.
"I once taught a kazoo lesson at one of my cousin's birthday parties. It was a big hit," Eric bragged.
"And I bet you weren't invited to any parties for a while after that," Sam smirked.
"How did you know?" Eric asked in surprise.
"We have a case," Nell announced, grabbing Eric's arm and pulling him back up the stairs. Deeks could hear Nell harshly whispering that they were supposed to save the kazoos for when he walked into Ops, and Eric replying that they still had the cake. He had no idea how they knew he was coming back today, but it didn't matter. He was glad to be there.
Sam and Callen got up and walked together, continuing their earlier chat. Kensi was hovering around her desk, pretending not to stare at him, even though it was obvious. Deeks took a few more seconds to appreciate the moment. The last few minutes in the bullpen wouldn't be considered special to anyone else who witnessed it, but it meant everything to him. It was exactly how he'd always wanted it to be. There was no guarantee that it would stay that way, but Deeks was determined to keep putting in the work. If his ordeal had taught him anything, it was that if Deeks wanted something, he was going to have to make it happen, but he didn't always have to do it all alone. And he hadn't felt less alone in a long time.
"You ready, partner?" Kensi asked, nodding her head toward the stairs that led to Ops. Deeks took a deep breath and stood up. It was hard to believe how close he'd come to losing all of this, by both outside sources and himself. But this was his choice. After so many had been taken away from him, this was his choice. Deeks grinned, walking around his desk to join Kensi in the middle.
"No place I'd rather be."
