SEONG0X-0.0.3A/CCSC.4.1399


Desolate.

At least, that was one way to describe it. Deep, dark, decrepit. Breezy, echoey, military. Creepy. Not suitable for a young blonde, definitely, and matter of fact how did she get here? She swore she was just in her room, about to change for rugby practice, only after she blinked was the warm comfort of home gone. What even is this place?

"Greetings," boomed a voice, both close and far. Scanning around she searched for the origin but both the darkness and room were too deep for her to find it.

"Hallo?" Her voice, though strong, was marked by an unsteadiness, "where am I?"

"The Frogstar," answered the voice, the last syllable bouncing around the room. She assumed it must belong to a speaker system.

She pictured the obvious image. "What's that?"

"The second planet of the Frogstar system."

"Oh, you mean a solar system? That's amazing, I never knew there were Suns and planets made entirely of frogs."

"Wha-

"Also, what am I doing here? There doesn't seem to be a lot to do in this room."

The voice cleared its throat, something like eagerness undercutting the action. "You are here to be exposed to the Total Perspective Vortex," -ex, -ex, -ex, -ex... "I am Gargravarr, custodian of the Vortex."

"Pleased to meet you, Barvragar," giving a little curtsy before toying with her hair, "uhm, if you don't mind me asking, where are you?"

"I'm right here."

She spun. "Where?"

"Here," came another matter-of-fact response. "You can't see me, I've been divorced from my body."

"Oh," imagining a rather painful process, "I'm so sorry. I can't-"

"Don't be, it was a mutual decision after a period of legal separation. We ultimately had nothing in common and we're both happier for it." After a moment of silence, "bastard took my first name, though."

"Oh."

"Yes. Well, Bowerick Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, it is Time for you to be exposed to-

"What?"

"What?"

"I think there must be some mistake, my name is Coco."

The words hung in the air for a moment. "Are you certain?"

"Very."

The chamber was filled with the sound of rustling paper. "I only see a Coco Potgieter in this list."

"That's the name I was born with. I go by Schoppenboer, now"

"A Tellurian. I see," Gargravarr sighed, muttered under his breath, first the Agrajag-Dent incident, now this, before clearing his throat again. "Well, Coco Schoppenboer, as you're already here, might as well get your slot done with. It is only 2,496 years away, consider yourself lucky. Come with me."

"But how can I follow you if I can't see you?"

"I'll hum for you."

Following the humming of a familiar tune, Coco observed her surroundings. Dilapidated and decrepit as the hallway seemed with all the rust, grime and missing segments, the structure appeared to be quite robust, perhaps enough to withstand several hundred bombs. But that's absurd, there's no way-

"I know what you're thinking, and it's true. I've lost count but many have been dropped here."

She blinked, "what have?"

"Bombs, of course. This isn't a very popular place after all, what with the Total Perspective Vortex. You should see the outside, apparently the Hitchhiker's Guide says it's ideal if you're looking for Sun, sand and suffering."

"Oh," giving a hearty chuckle, "it must make your job quite exciting."

"Hardly. It's boring here, I'd much rather go to the parties my body attends."

"Why don't you?"

"No one invites me."

There was nothing to say to that woefully pathetic statement, so she instead asked, "hoi, this won't take too long, will it? I have rugby practice and I don't want to be la-

"Coco Schoppenboer, once you step into the Total Perspective Vortex you will not step out."

Her legs halted. "Because I'll enjoy it that much?"

"No," said the voice, followed immediately by a remote scream that turned Coco's blood to ice. "Ah, there goes another one."

"Was that-

"The last person subjected to the Vortex, yes. The sheer magnitude of all existence it presents in relation to a single, unbroken mind is enough to stop its processes outright from the sheer trauma, proving once and for all that there is no reason to continue as an infinitely small dot, on an infinitely small dot."

The words remained, slowly fading into the walls.

"Uhm, why am I being put into the Vortex? I haven't done anything wrong."

"I don't know," saying it as if he shrugged, "I'm just a custodian, I don't decide who's on the list. Come along now."

They continued, Coco's heart accelerating, knees shaking, her shirt fighting its way into her skin and jabot tie closing tighter. She'd failed to fully appreciate her disposition and now it was like the walls were closing in, the hallway now darkening for every step she took. What she would face she had no idea but if it's reputation and that scream was anything to go by it couldn't be anything pleasant.

Reaching the end of the hall a pair of doors swished open to reveal a small room. A very small but well lit room.

"Enter."

"This Vortex is smaller and more welcoming than I expected, "gingerly stepping into the box.

"It's an elevator, to take you to the Vortex," a slight bitterness in his voice.

"Oh." The doors swished closed.

The ride was jittery, not only because of Coco's nerves, and very short, only long enough for her to wonder where the buttons were before the doors opened into a dark chamber. She waited for Gargravarr's instruction. None came. She took one sheepish step, another and another, wondering what this Vortex was supposed to entail when something started to spark...


If Gargravarr could yawn he would. The amount of time it took for the Vortex to break someone varied on many factors including species and sex, but humanoids typically lasted an average of thirty seconds before he heard them scream or choke or cry or their heads explode. Sometimes they even imploded. Not unusual for them to take longer, but this Schoppenboer girl was starting to take up to five minutes and he wished she would just get on with it already, he had another victim of the Vortex arriving any minute now. He looked down at his watch only to remember he didn't have one, nor an arm to wear it on, before hearing the doors swish open and see... her walk out?

"What the-

"Hoi, mister voice" she smiled.

He stammered and stuttered before finally managing, "how are you-

"Very well, I'm doing very well," beaming brightly. "How are you?"

"Coco Schoppenboer, you've been in the Vortex?"

"Yes!"

"And you've seen the whole infinity of Creation?"

"It was very impressive," she giggled.

"But wasn't the experience depressive, atomising, soul crushing, seeing your insignificant perspective in comparison to the infinite boundlessness of the infinite Creation?"

"Oh nee," shaking her head, "well, it was very intimidating. But I'm glad I got to see how spectacular the Universe is," came a smile.

That can't be possible. "How?! How did you resist the unimaginable terror?"

She blinked, began curling her hair. "When I looked at everything in existence, I did feel," her face turned solemn, "helpless, hopeless. I felt the same way as I did when I," she turned away, "lost my family. When I was young." Gargravarr wondered if she was embarrassed or ashamed when she looked back, smiling like a fireplace on a white Christmas eve. "But the longer I looked into it, I realised I was so lucky."

Lucky!? "What do you mean?"

"My family," she smiled. "My new family, and my wonderful sisters Maya and Mymy." Again. "In a vast and uncaring Universe, the odds I would get to be part of an amazing family again must be astronomical, almost impossible even! And for that I'm glad."

The dim decorum was complimented by a delicate chuckle but Gargravarr couldn't believe it. This was unbelievable. No one had ever walked into the Vortex and lived, let alone gained something out of it. Even Zaphod Beeblebrox only survived because he experienced a simulated Vortex, one that placed him in the centre of all creation. What the Belgium is he going to tell his boss?

"Oh," looking as if she suddenly realised something, "how do I get back home?"

And in an instant, she was replaced with a large rubber duck.


Author's Note: My favourite of the bunch, honestly, and it's all because I decided to watch Nick Page's animation of the Hitchhiker's Guide audio drama. Without a doubt, it's the best idea I've ever had.