Walking With Acolytes
"Hey, mates!" Pyro waved. "You gotta see this!"
"What is it this time?" Remy asked as he and Piotr entered the Control Room. "Another video of you trying to charbroil squid- and shrimp-flavored ice cream?"
"Nope. Even better!" Pyro grinned seated at the main computer. "It's the first draft of my newest documentary."
"Documentary?" Piotr repeated in surprise. "About what?"
"About us!" Pyro chirped excitedly. "You know how there are all kinds of documentaries about behind the scenes action or the lives of famous historical figures?"
"Yes," Remy said slowly.
"Well, I got the idea to slap together a documentary all about us Acolytes," Pyro beamed proudly. "So that future generations can get a real picture of what our lives were really like before the age of mutant supremacy had been achieved."
"That's certainly one way of getting around Mags' standing order to keep the base and our daily activities secret," Remy commented. "Gotta admit it would be nice to boast about our accomplishments to someone. And to push back against all the anti-mutant propaganda and rhetoric that keeps popping up on the news."
"It does seem to be a good idea," Piotr said. "Although your portrayal of mutant supremacy being inevitable may be a little premature."
"What are you talking about, mate? It's the destiny of mutant kind to eventually rule the planet," Pyro declared. "And all those future mutants will want to know all about the lives of those who were on the front lines during the fight for mutant survival: us!"
"I think you've been listening to one too many of Mags' rants," Remy gave Pyro a concerned look. "Then again, any rant made by Mags is one too many…"
"I suppose I would not mind appearing in a mutant-focused documentary," Piotr admitted. "As long as it is done accurately and does an honest job with the facts."
"That'll be a first," Remy quipped.
"No worries, mate," Pyro assured. "I included shots from every side of our wild and active lives, good and bad."
"That is what I am afraid of," Piotr sighed. "Wait, where and when did you get all of the video footage for your documentary?"
"Oh, I just cut and selected clips from the vast collection of home movies we're accumulated ever since we first got to the base," Pyro explained. "Including the protected security files and secret backup caches we keep hidden from Mags."
"What?!" Remy yelped. "Pyro, you know you're not supposed to do that! Those video stashes are only to be used for personal entertainment or potentially blackmailing Mags, Masty and Sabes!"
"Don't worry, Gambit," Pyro said. "I only used footage of the stuff those blokes already have copies of in their past failed attempts to blackmail each other."
"Oh. Well, then that's okay," Remy waved. "Never mind."
"I am sure the others will mind once they find out about Pyro's documentary," Piotr predicted bracing himself. "Are you sure you limited any embarrassing or humiliating footage to just them?"
"Let's find out together," Pyro smiled starting the video. "Here we go!"
"Our world is full of many wondrous marvels of nature," Pyro's voice was heard as various interior shots of the Acolyte base were shown. "Though none so wondrous as the amazing evolutionary phenomenon known as mutants. And of the mutants, the most amazing and fabulous of all are those extraordinary, idiosyncratic few: the Acolytes!"
"Oh man. Talk about a shining example of self-glorification," Remy whistled. "So much for this being an objective, unbiased documentary."
"Though you have to admit, the introduction does catch your attention," Piotr commented.
"Thanks, mates. I wrote and performed all the narrating dialogue myself," Pyro beamed proudly. "I bet it'll win multiple Emmys someday. Take that, David Attenborough!"
"The hidden world of the Acolytes has been one shrouded in enigmatic misunderstandings and unwilling confidentiality. That is until now," Pyro's narration went on. "So buckle up and follow along as we explore the untold myriads of excitement and adventure just waiting to be revealed! As a new day begins, see how our beloved Acolytes rise to greet the dawn."
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, ACOLYTES!" Pyro's chipper voice echoed throughout the hallways.
"Aaarrrggghhh! Not again!" A shot of an unkempt, bloodshot and haggard-looking Mastermind was shown. "How does that flame-brained fool keep getting his hands on electric megaphones?!"
"YAAAUUUHHHHHH!" Sabertooth ran through the hallways with his hair and uniform on fire. "OUTTA THE WAY! HELP! WATER! GAAAHHHHHH!"
"Hey, keep it down out there!" Remy snapped covering his head with a pillow. "Some of us are still trying to sleep!"
"Well, at least we got to sleep in today," Piotr was seen yawning. "It is only five o'clock. Of course, it is the weekend…"
"WAAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!" The entire base shook from Magneto's unrestrained anger.
"Oh boy. Talk about giving the term 'break of day' a whole new meaning," Remy quipped watching various hallways crack and collapse. "And I thought I did a lot of damage charging and blowing up my ever-changing series of alarm clocks."
"That explains why we keep receiving new shipments of them by the gross," Piotr noted. "Not that they are ever really needed."
"Of course, there are exceptions to the usual routine," The scene switched to a shot of peacefully slumbering Acolytes. "Some days do start later than others. Typically in the middle of late afternoon."
"While also depending on how late we stay up the night before," Remy commented. "Especially if it's Accordion Night."
"Or Bubble Night or Pudding Night," Piotr added. "Or any other night in general."
"Eventually however, our newly rested mutants finally get around to rousting themselves," Pyro's narration moved on. "After taking care of their individual morning ablutions, the Acolytes proceed to seek out and secure sufficient nourishment, the competition for which can often be fierce."
"Hahahahaha!" Remy was seen running about a very messy Kitchen filled with flames and smoke. "The pancakes are mine! All mine!"
"Wheeeeee!" A happy Pyro giggled manning the stove. "Here comes another serving of fresh walnut-kiwi-avocado-papaya flambé!"
"Look out!" Piotr shouted tossing baking soda everywhere. "The salmon fillets and buttermilk are on fire again!"
"Come back here with that bacon!" Mastermind yelled pelting Sabertooth with cornettoes. "And those sausages!"
"Never!" Sabertooth howled chowing down on both raw proteins at the same time. "Mmmmppphhh!"
"BLEEEAAAHHHHHH!" A barely recognizable Magneto gagged while covered in food of all sorts. "WHO SPIKED MY COFFEE WITH HORSERADISH AND FISH SAUCE AGAIN?! WHICH ONE OF YOU MANIACS HAS A DEATH WISH?!"
"Hey, now that's not right," Remy frowned at the video. "Pyro, you know darn well that was one of our quieter breakfasts."
"Though it is still nothing compared to our usual dinner scenes," Piotr pointed out.
"Well, I admit I may have a done a little bit of creative editing," Pyro confessed. "Otherwise, the documentary would never get past the censors."
"If only our real lives could be censored in some way," Piotr sighed. "Mainly by removing all the senseless violence and graphic experiences."
"What would be the fun in that?" Remy asked.
"Now fully fueled and awake, the Acolytes brace themselves as they prepare to face the oncoming challenges of another rigorous, unforgiving day," The narration continued while switching scenes once again. "As they bravely move to the forefront and take on the burden all mutants must bear of simply trying to survive."
CRASH!
BANG!
CRUNCH!
KA-BOOOOOOM!
"Yeah, from each other," Remy quipped as a montage of clips was shown of the Acolytes causing, reveling and caught in the middle of all sorts of untold madness.
"And people think humans and sentinels are the biggest dangers to mutants," Piotr shook his head. "Compared to our daily lives around here, having to deal with the Army or a squad of hunter-killer robots is child's play."
"An Acolyte's life is full of all sorts of irregular trials and tribulations," Pyro's narration went on. "From laboring tirelessly for their self-appointed mutant superior…"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MY LAB!" Magneto screamed while frantically attempting to escape the now-flooded space overflowing with cottage cheese. "AAACCCKKK, THIS IS DISGUSTING! NO, NOT MY PRIVATE OFFICE TOO! YUCK!"
"…to enduring rigorous sessions of brutal, intense training…"
"Zzzzzzzzz," Sabertooth snored sprawled on the Recreation Room couch with his face covered in neon paint and sparkly glitter doodles.
"…to taking care of the endless rounds of chores necessary to keep their shared habitat clean and in good-working order."
"GAAAHHHHHH! SAVE ME!" Mastermind wailed running down the hallways for dear life.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled maniacally while riding on an industrial floor waxing machine. "YEAH! YEAH!"
"Huh, I'd almost forgotten about that incident," Remy commented. "Why didn't you include a shot of Piotr 'accidentally' coating Mags in smiley face stickers and helmet polish too?"
"Eh, I wanted to, but I was too pressed for time," Pyro explained. "There's only so much footage one can cram into a thirty-six part docuseries."
"Thirty-six?" Piotr gawked in shock.
"Yep, and each part is an hour long," Pyro added. "I tell ya, I had to make some really hard choices. If I had included all the clips I wanted to the series would've clocked in at over a hundred hours easy!"
"And even then it would still only include a fraction of our secret video stash," Remy added.
"Well, obviously," Pyro said. "One has to be selective, ya know."
"Of course, an Acolyte's life is filled with more than just the mindless toil of repetitive work and drudgery," Pyro's narrating voice continued. "Such brilliant, evolved and agile intellects require plenty of challenging mental stimulation to keep their minds quick, sharp and entertained."
"Ooooooh!" Pyro sat in transfixed awe while staring straight at a towering fire pillar twice as big as he was. "Pretty flame…"
"Yayayayaya!" Remy and Piotr dueled each other with padded mallets while occasionally bopping each other on the head.
"Ohhhhhh," Mastermind groaned curled up on the floor wearing a Lamb Chop-themed straitjacket and a haunted expression on his face. "No more moose puppets…no more moose puppets…"
"Zzzzzzzzz," Sabertooth was still asleep on the couch with his clothes now sporting various toilet paper and silly string decorations.
"AAAGGGHHHHHH! WHY ME?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!" Magneto screamed while repeatedly banging his head again a heavily dented wall.
"Oh my," Piotr blushed in embarrassment. "Those were not some of our finest moments."
"I dunno, homme," Remy rubbed his chin. "Personally, I think Masty and Sabes never looked better."
"Yes, no aspect of an Acolyte's physical or mental health is neglected," Pyro's narration went on. "Especially when it comes to personal hygiene."
"BLUBBALUBBALUBBALUBBALUBB!" Sabertooth wailed as Remy, Pyro and Piotr struggled to give him a bath. "NO, NOT THE JASMINE- AND CHAMOMILE-SCENTED SHAMPOO! AAACCCKKK! THERE'S BODY SOAP IN MY EYES! GET THOSE HAIR CURLERS AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh dear," Piotr sighed at the sight. "I do not think people really need to know about Sabertooth's washing habits. Or lack of them thereof."
"Hey, why should we be the only ones to suffer?" Remy shrugged.
"Ohhh. Finally, a chance to relax," Mastermind sighed in relief lying in a foam-filled tub. He picked up a pair of rubber duckies and began playing with them. "Ahooga, ahooga! Dive, dive!"
"Yikes," Remy winced at Mastermind's uncovered form. "I did not need to see that."
"Ahhh," A shot of a completely bare Remy in the shower was shown next with a strategically-placed bath towel in the foreground. Remy then began rubbing a mixture of shower cream, skin gel and body oil all over his wet skin. "Ooooooh, yeah. That's nice…"
"I really did not need to see that," Piotr blushed.
"But I bet future femmes will appreciate it," Remy preened. "Though I have to say, I do kinda feel like a victim of body exploitation."
"Hey, I'm just giving the public what they want," Pyro defended. "But to make the documentary gender-equal, I'll throw in a clip of that white-striped hair sheila you like lounging around in a bikini."
"Now that's more like it," Remy grinned before doing a double-take. "Wait, what?!"
"Maybe I'll include a clip or two of her toweling off after a long soak in a hot tub too," Pyro mused. "I'm pretty sure I saw a few such videos of her floating around in the X-Mansion's hacked security archives somewhere…"
"WHAT?!" Remy shrieked.
"Yet there are certain, elemental aspects of life that even an Acolyte is unable to resist," Pyro's narration switched to yet another scene. "Such as the timeless drive to seek out and express one's burning passions of love. Complete with corresponding mating calls and dances."
"Huh?" Remy and Piotr stared at the scene in shock.
"The moonlight whispers 'awake' chérie!" Remy crooned while performing a serenade outside a balcony of the X-Mansion. "The night wild whispers 'awake', chérie! Instead of crawling into sleep's cool abyss, let this hot waiting Cajun embrace you with a kiss!"
"Oh my!" Piotr blushed. "I had forgotten about that."
"I haven't," Remy grumbled. "That was the night I was finally going to win Rogue's heart. I had disabled the mansion's entire security system after dousing everyone except Rogue with their own supplies of knockout gas. I'd planned for everything."
ZZZAAAPPPPPP! ZZZAAAPPPPPP! ZZZAAAPPPPPP!
"YEEEOOOWWWWWW!" Remy was seen screaming while frantically attempting to dodge incoming lightning bolts. "HELP! NO! CHÉRIE, STOP! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
"Everything except Rogue borrowing an unconscious Storm's powers," Piotr noted. "Along with a few others."
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy shrieked as he was bombarded with fire balls, ice blasts, optic blasts and more lightning.
"Of course, some attempts fair better than others," Pyro's narrating voice noted.
"Oh man," Remy groaned covering his face with his hand. "This is so embarrassing!"
"I know," Pyro agreed. "That white-striped hair sheila asked me to give her a copy of all the video footage we shot that night. I can't believe I forgot to give it to her."
"WHAT?!" Remy yelled.
"I had made a passing comment about having the footage the last time we ran into each other," Pyro went on. "She promised to pay me handsomely for it too! I hope her offer is still good. Hmmm, maybe I'll arrange for her to see an advanced screening of the finished documentary in private instead…"
"OH NO YOU WON'T!" Remy lunged at him.
"Yikes!" Pyro yelped just barely avoiding Remy's grasp.
"COME BACK HERE!" Remy screamed chasing Pyro out of the Control Room. "HOW DARE YOU TRY MEET WITH MY CHÉRIE WITHOUT ME! WHEN DID YOU EVER MANAGE TO MEET WITH HER BEFORE?! AND WHERE'S ALL THE SECURITY FOOTAGE OF ROGUE WEARING NOTHING A TOWEL OR A BIKINI?!"
"Whoa, settle down, mate!" Pyro shouted while trying to stay ahead of Remy's wrath. "It's just a documentary! It's not like I was gonna show her pictures of you snuggling up with your baby blanket again!"
"YOU'D BETTER NOT!" Remy screeched. "WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'AGAIN'?!"
"So much for there ever being a documentary showing the everyday lives of the Acolytes," Piotr sighed as his teammates' screams of shock, outrage and pain echoed through the base. "Some mutant secrets should simply remain secret."
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution
