Author's Notes: I am so sorry for the lengthy delay. Apart from having a month's leave with less time than expected to work on the story, I've been having difficulties working out how to get the story to where I want it to go. I had written over 6000 words, set aside about 2500 of them with the intention of using them at what I felt would be a more appropriate time, then moved the story forward again – and promptly hit a brick wall.

So I've decided to trust my instincts and bring some of those 2500 words back and let the story take me where it wants to go. I wish I hadn't taken this long to make that decision. I'm really sorry and thank you for your patience.

I've started noting when the day switches over and have gone back and added that sub-heading where appropriate. I may have to start skipping days or combining multiple days into a single chapter and the sub-headings will avoid confusion for both of us.

Thank you all for continuing to read.


Chapter 15

Day 3

Maeve and Otis sat on the floor of her caravan, leaning against her couch, legs stretched out before themselves, a pile of discarded cards between them. Otis was glad Maeve had suggested they needed to do something to unwind. He was less glad that Maeve had been flogging the pants off him.

Maeve put her remaining cards down and looked smugly at Otis without saying a word.

Otis sighed. "That's six meals I owe you."

"You're not deliberately trying to lose, are you?" asked Maeve, studying him suspiciously.

"No, I'm just hopeless at this."

"I'm not a charity case, Otis. I can feed myself."

"I know you're not a charity case."

Maeve studied him for a moment longer then shrugged and started gathering the cards together.

"Don't you want to go out to eat with me?" Otis asked, plaintively.

Maeve ignored his question and held the gathered cards out to him.

"Another game?" she asked.

Otis took the cards then glanced at the clock.

"It's after midnight," he said.

Maeve glanced at the clock in surprise. "Shit, where'd the time go?"

"That's an interesting philosophical question. Where does time go?"

"I will take your photo if you try to answer that question tonight. This morning," she corrected herself.

"Do you want another game?" Otis asked, smiling.

Maeve thought for a moment then shook her head. "Nah, I'm feeling drained. Probably have to go to bed soon."

"It's been a stressful night," Otis murmured.

"You really haven't been trying to lose?"

"No, but…" Otis said, frowning as he weighed up whether to say something more.

"But?" Maeve asked suspiciously.

Otis sighed and went for it. "I'm concerned, Maeve. If we're not doing the clinic next week, how are you going to manage?"

"I'll manage."

Otis stared at her, lips pressed together.

"My monthly study money comes in next week," Maeve said.

"How long will that last you?"

Maeve shrugged. "I can pay a couple of weeks rent."

"That's all?"

"I'll manage. I have some savings. Sean pulling that shit with the dress meant I didn't have to spend that money."

Otis looked at her for a moment, wondering, then asked, softly, aware she probably wouldn't answer, "Do you think he's coming back?"

Maeve was quiet for a moment, reflecting, then shrugged and said, "Dunno."

"How long was he gone for?"

"48 hours so far."

Otis stared blandly at her.

Maeve sighed, then glanced over her shoulder at the couch. She reached over and grabbed a cushion and tossed it at a surprised Otis then grabbed another for herself. She lay down on her side, placing the pillow under her head and stared softly at her boyfriend.

Otis smiled softly back at her then lay down to mirror her position.

When he had settled, she said, "He was gone four months. I just woke up one morning and he hadn't come home. He wouldn't answer his phone and eventually I just got the disconnected message. Didn't know if he was alive or dead."

"Did he say why he left?"

"A shoe deal gone wrong, he said."

Otis frowned. "Shoe deal?"

Maeve shrugged. "I don't know what to believe with him anymore. He used to be funny. Cool. Flaky but… we supported each other. He looked out for me when mum couldn't. Or wouldn't."

"Wouldn't?" Otis asked softly.

Maeve hesitated then said, quietly, "She moved in with some dickhead she'd been seeing. Didn't take us with her. That's why we had to move here. Sean and me."

Otis stared gently at her. "You said you hadn't seen her for two years."

"The dickhead got busted. Mum had the choice between jail or rehab and she chose rehab. We'd visit her. She'd tell us she was gonna come home after but she didn't."

"She went up north?" Otis asked quietly.

Maeve nodded. "Another of her conquests from rehab lived up there so she went with him. I didn't know where she was until Sean said his mates had seen her up at Milton."

Otis drew small, gentle breaths as he watched her tenderly.

"She really did try not to be a junkie," Maeve said. "I'm not lying about that. She checked herself into rehab a couple of times without having to go. But it never stuck."

Maeve blinked back tears then looked directly into Otis' eyes.

"Can we change the subject?" she asked softly.

Otis reached out his free hand and touched hers and she grasped it.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Maeve stared tenderly at him for a moment then squeezed his hand gently and said, "Don't say sorry."

Otis was quiet for a moment, staring into her eyes then asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

Maeve thought for a moment then said, "You didn't just start liking me this term, did you?"

Otis was silent for a moment then replied, "Last day of fifth form."

Maeve struggled to remember. "I can't remember seeing you on the last day. Did you run into me?"

Otis smiled at the confirmation. "I didn't think you had noticed me."

"So what happened?"

"Do you remember Clyde Clutterbuck and Harley Wilson?"

"I know them. Couple of dropkicks."

"You were at your locker and they were…" Otis hesitated, struggling to find words he was comfortable saying.

"Calling me cock-biter?" Maeve asked wryly.

Otis nodded. "And worse. Being really shitty."

"I don't remember."

"You just said to them that if cocks were still your main meal you wouldn't be after them."

Maeve chuckled. "Yeah, sounds like something I'd say."

"Then you just walked straight past me, didn't even notice me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. That's one of the things I liked. You'd just put up with that crap and it was like it had never even happened. You had instantly put it behind you. You were so strong and so smart and they didn't even realise what you'd actually said about them. I tell myself that's the day I fell in love with you, but it wasn't. But it was the day…" He struggled for the words.

"You became intrigued by me?"

"Yeah. And then I had the summer to think about you."

Maeve smirked. "And what exactly did you think about me?"

"Just that I wish I could get to know you. I'd basically given up on the idea of ever being with someone but you… changed that."

Maeve looked at him shrewdly. "Did you bump into me deliberately?"

"No. I just wasn't watching where I was going."

Maeve gazed tenderly at him and smirked gently. "Did you know that's when Jackson made his first move on me?"

"No."

"He wrote out a penalty slip for me."

"I'm sorry."

"'Meet me after school.'"

Otis gave her an uncertain smile.

"I just think it's funny you were so much involved in things pushing me toward Jackson but I've finally ended up with you."

"The universe has a strong sense of irony."

"Must mean we were meant to be."

Otis smiled gently at her.

She abruptly lifted herself up, grabbed the cushion and shoved it across the carpet to rest beside Otis then shuffled herself over to it and lay down again.

"This isn't too close?" she asked quietly.

"No," said Otis.

"You were right," she said softly.

"What about?"

"I was attracted to Jackson. He's a nice guy and he was the first guy in a long time that I did have wistful moments about. Y'know, what if? And it kind of felt good to have those wistful moments. And when you and him tricked me into a relationship there were some really nice moments that I'm glad I had. Things I'm glad I experienced. The only problem with all of it was that it was with the wrong guy."

Otis swallowed and took a slow deep breath. "I really never thought this could be possible."

Maeve smiled. "Really, kangaroo? Why wouldn't you think this was possible? You bumped into me and I told you to fuck off. You kept staring at me and I gave you the finger. You had to sit next to me and I'm all 'goddammit'. How could you not see this as inevitable?"

Otis smirked. "I just had a vague suspicion you didn't like me very much."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I probably thought you'd heard the rumours and had a spare fiver and you were just screwing up the courage to ask."

Otis blinked in surprise. "I never believed the rumours, Maeve. I'd heard them, but—"

"I know," said Maeve, squeezing his hand. "When I saw you talk Adam's cock down off the ledge I knew you weren't the type of guy who'd believe that bullshit. Or care, anyway."

"I never believed them. You can ask Eric."

"I don't need to."

She stared softly into his eyes.

"Do you want to know the exact moment you began intriguing me?" she asked.

"Which moment?" Otis asked quietly.

"When you were telling Adam to own his narrative and that he shouldn't give a shit what other people thought. You weren't saying anything I wasn't already doing but I felt as if you could really see me even if you didn't know it. That's when I saw how really amazing you were."

Otis stared gently at her.

"Then I started noticing how cute you were," she said.

Otis scrunched his face in skepticism.

"I'm serious, muppet. Next day I saw you with Eric and you were doing some dorky karate or kung-fu move and you looked so cute. You were so unself-conscious. Until…" she shrugged.

"Until?"

"Until you saw me watching you."

"I wouldn't have wanted to look like an idiot in front of you."

"Biting my tongue," smirked Maeve.

Otis poked his own tongue at her, eyes glittering.

"What did you hear about me?" she asked after a moment.

"Doesn't matter, Maeve."

Maeve was silent for another moment, then said, "Did you hear I'm trisexual?"

Otis frowned. "What's trisexual?"

"I'll try anything sexual."

Otis groaned at the pun.

"It's not true," Maeve said. "Lots of things I haven't tried. Lots of things I'm not interested in. I'm really kinda vanilla."

"There's nothing vanilla about you, Maeve."

"You haven't tasted me yet," she smirked gently.

Otis blushed but Maeve could see he still really did want to taste her one day.

"I'm sorry," she said.

He shook his head. "It's not too much. Slow doesn't mean still."

"Hey," she began, biting her lip.

"What?" Otis asked.

She opened her mouth to speak then thought better of it. "Doesn't matter," she said.

"You can say it," Otis said.

"Another time."

Otis stared blandly at Maeve.

"I'm just starting to get silly. I'm tired. I should go to bed before I push too far."

Maeve started to sit up but stopped when Otis gently touched her arm. She looked at him as he stared into her eyes then raised his head toward her.

"What were you going to say?" he asked softly.

"It was just a dirty joke. I'll tell you another time. When it's more appropriate."

Otis nodded. "Okay," he said softly, parting his lips and moving closer to her.

Gently, she leaned in for their first kiss since the evening's startling left turn and was pleased that he seemed as comfortable as he had been prior to that moment. She knew it wasn't an act this time.

They broke apart and stared gently into each other's eyes until Otis broke the spell.

"You're right," he said. "It has been a draining night. I think I need to sleep, too."

Maeve bit her lip and asked tentatively, "Do you want to sleep in the bed? Just sleeping."

Otis thought for a moment, then said, "Do you mind if I sleep out here?"

Maeve tried to keep her disappointment hidden. "No, it's okay. I'll get you a blanket but if you change your mind just come in. Don't worry about waking me."

Otis nodded. "Okay."

Maeve started to rise again then stopped again and turned back to Otis. She leaned in close to him, looking into his eyes.

"Try to forgive yourself, Otis. It really wasn't your fault."


Otis opened his eyes as awareness returned to him and he momentarily felt disoriented by the unfamiliar surroundings before remembering where he was and a quiet sense of ease and satisfaction settled over him.

His eyes wandered the room, drinking in his surroundings, trying to find those areas that were distinctly, uniquely Maeve.

Events of the night before flashed across his mind.

The feel of his fingers against and inside Maeve, the looks traversing her face at his tender ministrations, that little mewling baby lion sound she made as she came, the shimmer of pleasure tingling through him as he realised he had given her an orgasm – these washed over him leaving a sense of hope and wonder and peace and a desire for more chances to please her.

He had feared he could never please anyone, not even himself. He had now been proven wrong on both counts.

He struggled to remember the sensation behind the memory of Maeve's hand on his penis but it eluded him and he wistfully wished he could recover it. He wanted to feel that. Wanted to feel it under circumstances in which he felt a sense of control that was missing the night before. Wanted it to replace the memory of the frantic incomprehensibility of his panic after Maeve gripped him through his jeans and firmly ran her hand the length of him.

That panic attack. Thankfully, it had been brief. Thankfully, he had lost consciousness. Thankfully, Maeve was willing to listen to him as he explained as best he could the source of the fear that overwhelmed him. Thankfully, he was able to receive strength from her as she held him against herself while he cried years of tears.

He hadn't realised how much he had needed that release and however grateful he had been to Maeve last night for accepting the tears and helping him through them and not shaming him for them, he felt even more appreciation for her this morning. Last night would have been a hard night for her to experience and she hadn't pushed him away. Hadn't cut him out of her life as he had expected her to. Hadn't done anything except make him feel loved and supported and wanted.

He took a deep breath and circled his attention back to his memories of the panic attack and was surprised that he wasn't overwhelmed with that chest-crushing feeling he had every time he thought of the aborted attempt to lose his virginity with Lily. Last night's panic attack was still difficult to contemplate; it was uncomfortable to re-experience even a shadow of that feeling, but comparing it with that time with Lily, the attack itself felt much much worse at the time but in the morning aftermath there was a sense he could very soon view it dispassionately. At one step remove. As something that had happened to him but no longer lived in his present.

It was as if releasing those tears and allowing Maeve to hear those things that he felt most ashamed of had reduced their power over him. He wasn't healed - the Gordian Knot hadn't been cut or untied or burnt away – but he felt just a little bit lighter, a little bit stronger, a little bit more optimistic.

He wandered his eyes around the room, wondering what to do for the immediate future. He wasn't going to retreat to the beginning. He understood that. He wasn't wanting to simply stay with kissing and cuddling and maybe a bit of titplay. Slow was not still, if Maeve was willing. He also wasn't going to make the same mistake he had made yesterday and push himself to the point he felt almost overwhelmingly uncomfortable without the ability to cope with the unexpected. Not being still was not the equivalent of sprinting.

He wasn't exactly certain what they were going to do but he understood that he and Maeve could work it out together, assuming in the cold light of day she was still wanting to dance this dance with him.

He really hoped she was.


Maeve opened her eyes and stared sleepily at the bedside clock. It wasn't as late as she thought it would be and she briefly thought of closing her eyes again and rejoining the dream that still lingered in her thoughts then she remembered her words of earlier that morning and glanced over her shoulder but Otis hadn't joined her in the bed. She was a little disappointed but it was understandable. She was sad that it was understandable.

Memories of the night before should have been a nightmare she had been having and her dream should have been the reality. She smiled softly to herself. It was a nice dream and she knew some version of it would become reality but she wished Otis didn't have to go through the nightmare to get there.

She threw back the bedcovers and sat up then stood and, after a detour into the bathroom to brush her teeth and take a pee, walked to the kitchen.

She stared gently at Otis still seemingly asleep on the lounge, smiling softly at how peaceful he seemed to be. She hoped he had been having a dream similar to hers. She knew he had at least one dream about her and, judging by his reaction when he inadvertently admitted it to her, it must have been a good, sexy dream. She wondered what they had got up to. She hoped one day he would tell her.

She walked to the cupboard and took out a bowl then poured cereal in it, noting that was yet another thing she would have to go shopping for. She sighed as she walked to the fridge for the milk – another thing to go on the list – and as she was pouring as little as she could get away with into the bowl, she heard his voice from the direction of the lounge.

"Morning," Otis sighed.

Maeve smiled to herself. "Morning," she said and returned the milk to the fridge. "There's still some milk for cereal, if you want it."

"Mmmph," Otis grunted. "Maybe in a little bit."

Maeve grabbed a spoon from the drawer and picked up the bowl and walked to the table, glancing at her boyfriend now sitting up on the lounge, blanket crumpled across his legs.

"How did you sleep? Wasn't too uncomfortable, was it?" Maeve scooped some cereal onto the spoon and raised it to her lips.

"No, it was good. I feel really refreshed. How did you sleep?"

"Mmmm," Maeve hummed, chewing her mouthful.

"Did that mean good?" Otis asked.

Maeve swallowed and said, "I had a dream about you."

She scooped more cereal to her lips and stared blandly at him.

"Was it a good one?" he asked.

"Mmmm," Maeve hummed, giving him a gentle smile.

"What were we doing?"

Maeve finished her mouthful and said, "Tell you some other time."

Otis nodded and said, "Maeve…?"

"Mmmm?" Maeve asked, raising another spoonful of cereal to her lips.

"Thanks for last night. For listening to me. Letting me talk. You were right. Talking about it did help."

"You're feeling better?" Maeve asked after she swallowed.

"Better than I expected. I'm not healed but it's like… there isn't so much of a burden. My chest isn't as tight as it has been. It's not tight at all. You know, like somebody had grabbed it and was crushing it like a vice."

"That's what it's been like for you?"

"Sometimes," Otis said, reflecting. "Sometimes it's felt like I was holding back a… I don't know… tiger trying to break free and destroy everything."

"I'm glad you didn't say lion," Maeve murmured.

"I just mean… I feel better, having someone who knows who hasn't rejected me." He gave Maeve a soft smile. "Yet."

Maeve smiled gently. "Thank you for trusting me," she said quietly.

"How do you feel after last night's freakshow?"

"I'm just glad you're feeling better."

"That must have been really hard for you."

Maeve inhaled a slow soft breath and seemed about to speak before changing her mind and simply saying, "We both survived it."

"I'm going to go see someone," Otis said softly. "I know I need to."

A wave of relief washed through Maeve but she hoped she wasn't letting Otis see exactly how glad that made her. "Your very own Otis," she murmured.

"Someone better, I hope."

Maeve shook her head, sighing, but chose not to feed into his negativity toward himself, whether in this instance it was real or feigned. "You gonna ask your mum to recommend someone?"

"No," said Otis, quickly. "I don't want her to know. Not yet. Please don't tell her."

"That's yours to tell," Maeve said, shaking her head as a promise.

"Thank you."

"I'm glad you're doing this," Maeve said softly. "I'll help however you need me to."

"Just be you," Otis said.

Maeve finished the last of her cereal and pushed the bowl aside.

"So, any idea what you want to do today?" she asked.

"Hadn't thought about it."

"Did you have plans with Eric?"

"Not this weekend. He said he's got some family thing."

"So, what do you want to do? Do you want to take a break from each other?"

"No," said Otis, shaking his head emphatically.

Maeve smiled. "So what do you want to do?"

Otis stared thoughtfully at her for moment before speaking. "I want…" he began, then sighed.

"Want what?"

Otis looked at her and she was surprised to see that he was suddenly nervous and uncertain and she was reminded how much she thought he was really cute when he was in this state. She just wasn't sure why now.

"I don't know if I should…" Otis said then drifted off into silence again.

"You can say it," Maeve said quietly.

"How do… I'm just wondering… Would you be willing…" His voice faded away again as he struggled to find the words.

Oh, Maeve realised. That's why now.

Smirking gently, she stood up and walked across the room toward him. She loved the way he was looking at her as she approached. Appreciation. So very far away from objectification.

"You want to pick up where we left off, don't you?" she said as she sat beside him, snuggling close to him.

"Are you willing to risk it?" he asked tentatively.

"Are you?"

"It doesn't have to be right now, but… I promise I'll use my safe word if I have to," Otis said. "I won't let things get to the point they did last night. I'll stop if anything gets too much for me. I promise. I'll say 'flamingo'." He sighed. "But I want to take a step forward. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want slow to become still. Or reverse. I don't… Oh, I don't know, Maeve. I don't want you to think… I want it to be you… I'm not just… I mean, maybe it is a mistake to try so soon…"

"Shhh, Otis," Maeve said gently. "You're overthinking it. You don't have to justify yourself to me, just… be kind to yourself. Don't push yourself beyond anything you can't handle and let me deal with my end. I know what could happen now."

Otis stared at her for a long time then whispered, "I love you, Maeve."

Maeve smiled. "I know."

"I have an erection."

Maeve smiled. "I know."


Author's Notes: I think you can guess what the rest of those 2500 words involved. I'm still not certain if I'll use them in the next chapter – I just think that step is too soon - but most of them will get used eventually. Or at least a version of them.

At least now I can start afresh and let the story take me where it wants to go. These words are out there now and I can't make wholesale changes to them. That would be cheating.

I will try not to take so long for the next chapter.