The doctor's visit had left Itachi shaken. When it was just the two of us again, I stepped closer. It looked like he was stuck in a nightmare he could not break out of. I wanted to help him wake up.
"Ita-"
His eyes landed on me. Startled, I pulled back my hand. Itachi was looking at me weirdly. Like he was looking at me, but he was seeing something else. Like he was hearing things between us, even though no one was talking.
Slowly, his gaze fell on the note the doctor wrote. The longer he stared at it, the more the paper creased under his thumb.
"Don't drink this."
His breath did not come out even.
"Whatever you do, don't drink this. Even if my mother offers it to you. Even if your father agrees to it."
His voice sounded desperate towards the end. We both knew I was not the best at listening to him. Even Sasuke had pointed it out. Giving orders was not enough. So he was begging.
That was not right. Itachi did not need to do that.
"Can you tell me why?" I asked softly. I wanted to know why this was important to him. More than that, I wanted to know why he was so scared right now. If I did, maybe we can make things less scary.
A silence.
Then, Itachi calmed. But it was a very still calm. Like he did not feel any better, only made himself look that way.
"This drink is made from a root that's poisonous," he explained. "Ingesting it will harm your body and cause to you fall severely ill, sometimes without recovery."
Oh.
Carefully, I sank back down on the couch. So Itachi was worried about my health. He was worried the doctor misprescribed, and I would accidentally be harmed. He was just being a good friend by caring. And for a moment, I thought maybe something bad happened while he was away. I had been worried his father had done something to him again.
It seemed weird to me, though, that the doctor would make a mistake so huge. Sure he did things differently, but it looked like he understood exactly what he was doing and why.
A thought hit me. "Oh!" Excited, I leaned forward. "Daddy used to tell me that everything can be bad, and nothing can be bad. It's all about how much you take…" I snapped my finger. "The dose makes the poison." The doctor and Itachi could both be right. It was just a misunderstanding!
Itachi listened to my words.
"Ayae, you told me a while back you were uncertain about the ninja path. Is that… still true?"
I waved my hands. "Yes, but isn't this going a bit off topic?" I asked, sweat-dropping.
"No, because ninjutsu and the ninja path are intertwined. Your choice in one will determine the other."
I blinked.
His hands clutched over his lap. "There are ideas I shouldn't entertain yet do not leave my mind. This one grew during our lessons in the temple, when you admitted your ninjutsu frustrations. Then again after you told me your uncertainty with the ninja profession." His grip tightened. "Ayae, just tell me, and I will get you transferred into the civilian school."
Itachi's voice was so soft, I barely heard. I understood this was a secret he was whispering to me. A possibly very dangerous secret.
"My power will not be enough if you gain ninjutsu. At that point, the clan will step in, and Konoha as well. Both will see to your registration in the system, and once you serve under them, it will be for life."
I lost him. I could not understand what he was saying. Or rather, I was confused by what he was saying. "Itachi, are you saying…"
"... the decision is still yours." His gaze was averted. "Fate is kind and has given you the first move. It places the choice in your hands, and how you decide to proceed will determine how everyone else will react. If you want to be a ninja, you are free to pretend our conversation never happened. If you do not… I can see to it that the medicine fails."
The room went quiet.
"You want me to choose now," I whispered. My time had ran out.
Itachi nodded.
But I… I was not ready! I felt light-headed, and Tomoe's words came back to me. Walking two paths as if they were one. I wanted to be with everyone, except everyone was going in different directions. There were things I wanted, but reaching for them meant taking the things I did not.
But would getting the things I wanted really make me happy? And would taking the things I did not really leave me worse off?
I did not know. I needed help. I needed guidance. My eyes went up to Itachi again. There was a lot to Itachi that I did not know. What I did know was that I trusted him.
I trusted him.
"Itachi, will you tell me why I should be a ninja?" I asked. "And after that… will you tell me why I shouldn't?"
.
Itachi told me one of his earliest memories was of an egg. He was watching an egg roll on some surface. It was rolling and rolling. At first, it was unknown where it would go, but once it had hit the edge, he knew. Down, it would go down.
So he was very curious when a hand caught the egg and put it back on the counter.
From then on, he remembered that hand. It was not always there, though. It was not there when the bowl smashed on the floor. It was not there when Shisui lost his foothold on the roof. That was when he understood something. Knowing what would happen did not stop it from happening. And desiring something to happen did not make it so.
Sasuke had always been bold. At eight months, he had crawled up the couch and onto the shelves.
Aunt Mikoto did not notice until Sasuke had already stopped falling, giggling in his brother's arms. Itachi had caught him from over five meters away. In time, those five meters will turn into five hundred.
Ninjutsu is often called magic, because it bridges those two things: desire and reality. To this day, it remains the one thing to have seemingly no limitations. On what it could do. On what it could bring into the world.
As Itachi swirled his finger, a water droplet appeared. It spiraled, growing in size as it gathered more and more water from the air. The show was mesmerizing. It was beautiful.
It reminded me of Aunt Mikoto's secret garden, how everything glowed so enchantedly, how she smiled beneath the chandeliers.
The water dissipated.
This was power. To impose your desire upon the world. To change it from what is to what should be.
What may take a hundred men a hundred days, you could do in one. Harvest the crops. Hunt the beasts. The roads will pave where you walk. The buildings will rise where you rest. At a single stroke of the hand, the storms will tame and the earth will quiet. It may even be possible to calm a fever and help your loved one wake.
I froze.
I asked Itachi to convince me to be a ninja, so that was what he will do.
"Before you came to Konoha, the Fire Capital was amidst a pandemic. Even our economy had felt the aftereffects. However, the actual disease that struck the populace… even a low-rank medic here could have cured."
Even though my vision had blurred, and tears were falling down, Itachi did not stop.
"For the ten thousand people who died in the outbreaks, it could have easily been that they left remembering nothing more than another cold. It could have easily been that they went to work the next day. Picked up groceries. Returned calls from concerned neighbors. Walked a daughter to and from her dance recital-"
"Stop!"
He did.
Gasping, I hugged myself tighter. "T-that's good," I said weakly, wiping my face. "Now tell me the other side."
After a thought, Itachi decided to start by asking me how my friend was doing in school.
"Gin?"
Itachi was not surprised when I told him Gin was near the top of the class. Itachi told me Ginjiro's brother was just as talented during his time at the Academy.
Ginjiro's brother was one of the rare students to not hail from any clan, to not have received any external mentorship or assistance. Everything he achieved, he achieved by himself, all on top of working part-time jobs and caring for his younger sibling. His performance may not have been noteworthy, but in terms of potential, he outstripped the other students by leagues.
But it was also clear from the day Itachi met him that Ginjiro's brother had a flaw. The teachers noticed too, which was why during the graduation exam, they told Shisui to use genjutsu. It was a test.
And Ginjiro's brother failed. Shisui was an Uchiha. Their top student. His future teammate. Ginjiro's brother knew that if he spoke out, he would be causing the Uchiha great shame. That it would be putting the school in an awkward situation. That it would be hurting his own chances as genin.
And yet, he did not choose to protect the interests of people more powerful than him. Of the interests of the community he was in. Or even of his own self-interest. He chose to do what he thought was fair. He chose to do what he thought was right.
He chose to tell the truth.
"Ayae, you cannot control those types of people."
Itachi's father had been pushing for his son's early graduation, and after this incident, the school conceded. It was easy to erase one civilian boy from their records.
The problem with power is that power imposes your desire upon the world. For every person who holds power, there is another person who holds more. For every person who has a wish, there is another person with a different wish. Sometimes, those wishes are not compatible. Sometimes, you need to push others down to get what you want. Sometimes, you need to strip others of their capabilities to maintain your own.
The Academy is just a tool for various clans to control where power is distributed. For every child they send in, comes out another soldier to fight for their beliefs and their interests.
Itachi had told me the things that could be done with ninjutsu. Now, he will tell me what he had actually done.
What took a hundred men a hundred days to build, he destroyed in one. He had burned fields and unleashed beasts. He had flooded streets and ransacked homes. Everywhere he walked, he left the people in poverty and disease, huddled together and filled with nothing but hate and despair.
"I use ninjutsu to kill people."
That was his confession.
At first, it was like I had grown deaf. I could not hear him. And even when I could, I could not understand his words. Even if the words were very simple ones.
My heart gave a double beat.
"What?"
My voice was tiny. I was tiny.
Itachi was not talking. All the words he needed to say, he had already said.
He used ninjutsu to...
No.
… kill…
No, no, no.
… people?
Another double beat. My mouth opened. I stared harder at Itachi, before my lips moved.
"I don't believe you." It came out a whisper.
It came out a lie.
I was lying, I realized, my heart now thumping out of control. I did believe him. Itachi would not look like this if he was not telling the truth. I would not be scared otherwise. I would not be at the edge of the couch, the farthest away I could be.
Snapping shut my eyes, I racked my brain. No, this did not make any sense. There had to be something I was missing for everything to make sense. Because Itachi couldn't… he wouldn't...
Itachi could not help but give a faint smile.
"This surprises you. Even after all these years in the Academy."
My eyes snapped back open.
I had no trouble believing Itachi, so how did…
… this surprise me?
Kill. The word was spoken in every lecture. It was written in every textbook. Kill. Murder. Assassinate. Execute. Dispatch. Eliminate. Defeat.
You cannot do your homework without knowing these words. You cannot memorize the shinobi codes without remembering these words. This is when you kill. This is where you kill. This is how you kill. With a sword. With a kunai. With a shuriken. Aim and throw.
How could it be that I had been aiming and throwing for this long, but never noticed that all our training dummies were shaped like… people?
My breath was shaking. How could I have been fighting for so long, but never noticed that I was fighting people?
I left bruises on my own friends. I kicked down Dai. I pushed Setsu to the ground. I slapped Tamaki in the face. That spar had been one of my proudest moments. It was everything I had been working towards. I wanted Gin out of my way. I wanted Hana to lose. I wanted to show everyone I was strong, that I was strong.
Why… why did I care about that? And why did I want that so badly that I didn't care if I tasted blood, didn't care if my body was yelling at me stop. I remembered Michio standing in the circle with me, looking disappointed.
More than anything… why did none of those things feel weird? Why was I in such awe at touching weapons? Why did I feel proud at defeating my own friends?
Why did I feel nothing whenever I lied to my dad...?
I kept so many things from my dad now. I barely saw him anymore. I didn't even ask him for his thoughts about dropping out. I asked so many people… but not my own dad.
I breathed in, and in, and in. No, I was missing something here. I had to be forgetting something!
When. Where. How. Who, I was missing the who. Why, I was missing the why.
"Because the world is filled with bad people." I was almost laughing with relief when the answer came to me. "We do it to protect the ones we love."
It was okay. Itachi did it because he had no choice. Itachi did it because he was trying to protect us. Fighting was inevitable. Good guys needed to fight bad guys. Heroes needed to defeat villains. That was just how things were.
I was being stupid and silly. I overreacted. It was okay.
Everything was okay, so why was my heart not calming down. Why was I about to cry again?
Itachi had been quiet.
Finally, "Have you ever seen a bad guy, Ayae?"
His voice got my attention. I paused, then shook my head.
"Do you want to see one?"
I paused again. It took longer, as I curled tighter into myself, until my toes touched one another. Once I gathered the courage, I nodded my head.
The room around us disappeared. Everything had gone blank. Itachi had put me inside a genjutsu.
In the distance I could see a crowd of people. They all looked very real, but also quiet and still-like, almost as if they were inside a photograph.
My eyes wandered from one to the next, up and down, left and right. I kept looking and looking, but they all looked normal. Confused, I looked away and asked Itachi, "Where is he?"
Itachi would not tell me.
After a moment, I took a deep breath. I stepped forward, so that I may look at each one closer. There had to be something different about one of them. There had to be.
Only, no matter how I looked, I had no clue. Many of them looked different from each other. Some old, some young. Some big, some small. A few reminded me of the Chunin Exam contestants. Others looked like people I met in passing. A bird-faced lady who hovered like the orphanage taker. A man with the same sideburns and glasses as my dance judge. A duo as contrasting as the fabric shop owner and his assistant.
Some looked mean. Some looked angry. Some looked cold. Some looked scary. Some looked scared.
The closer I looked, the more they looked different from each other. But the less they looked different.
Finally, I was standing before a girl. She had on a headband and was slightly turned, as if about to talk to the two kids behind her. Because she was shorter than the others, I noticed something I had not caught before.
There was a thin blur by her shoulder. At first, I thought my tears were blurring my vision again. Or my eyes were just tired. But even after I rubbed my eyes, it was still there. Floating in space.
I examined it again, then the girl, from her shoulder, to her face, back down to her neck. I finally saw it. Thinner than wire.
Screaming, I fell back.
I understood why it felt like I was looking at photographs. Because these were snapshots of moments… the moments before...
Before each of them were...
Were…
The genjutsu broke.
My heart was too fast. The world was dizzy. I needed to throw up. I wished I had fainted, but I did not. This was not over. This was not just a nightmare I could wake up from and forget.
I did not know how long I sat on the couch, just hiding behind my palms. At some point, footsteps came down the stairs, but they went up just as fast. The refrigerator hummed.
I was so scared. I was so, so scared. I needed someone to hug. I needed Utako. I needed my dad. My palms were getting wet and wetter. What had I gotten myself into.
The whole time, Itachi never broke the silence. He only spoke because I told him to. He only answered because I asked. Now I understood why he never answered me before.
It was a long time before I came out of hiding. The sun was down, the light from the windows splitting the couch in two, dark on my side and bright on his. I remembered once watching Itachi under the moon and thinking how otherworldly he looked. As I watched him now, the opposite could not be truer.
My gaze slowly fell back on the table, where a cup still sat cold. Unlike us, the cup was on both sides, one half in light, one half in shadow.
It reminded me of a circle drawn in the dirt. Obscuring what was once revealed. Revealing what was once obscured. Things you once knew, you now did not. Things you once did not know, you now did.
Itachi looked up. A clattering had broken the silence. Steadying my grip, I brought the cup closer to my lips.
The drink was cold. It was bitter.
It was sweet.
Itachi's family did not keep any chocolate, much less hot chocolate. He must have bought that for me, because he knew I was coming over.
I tilted the cup higher and higher, until all of it was gone. Done, I put the cup back down.
"I didn't see any bad guys," I finally whispered.
"Ay-"
I jumped into the light, pulling Itachi into my arms.
"I don't see b-bad guys!" I hiccupped. My tears had come back, as I hugged Itachi tighter. "No bad guys."
Itachi was scared, and now so was I. The room was too cold. I needed a hug. We both needed a hug.
I did not know where things went so wrong. How I went so wrong.
Everything was not okay.
Everything was not okay, but it will be.
Together, we can fix this. Together, we can get warm again.
.
My dad nearly dropped his spatula when I tackled him. Laughing, he patted my head and asked if I had a good day. He asked if everyone liked the lamb skewers.
He blinked when I did not let go or start blabbing. Then he saw my face.
Serious, he leaned down. "Is everything okay, sweetie?"
My lips were pursed tight. My eyelids were puffy.
This got my dad concerned. "Did something happen in today's checkup?" he asked. He was ready to spring for the phone and call Aunt Mikoto.
I didn't mean to make him all panicked. I held onto him so he would not go.
Once we were settled down at dinner, I told my dad about the new doctor. I told him everything the doctor said. My dad was so happy to learn that my heart was going to be okay, he spilled rice all over himself.
"Daddy?"
"Hm?"
"The doctor said something else too," I said. "He said there was something I could drink that would let me do ninjutsu."
"Is there!" my dad laughed, still picking the rice off his shirt. "Well, promise that as soon as you figure out those cool moves, you'd give me a demonstration!"
For my dad, he was okay with whatever I chose to do. Wherever I chose to go. All that mattered to him was that I was happy and healthy.
Happy and healthy. I bit into my spoon. I asked him what if I could only choose one of those. If so, which would he rather me choose?
My dad seemed confused by my question. He did not understand what I meant by choose. He told me, not everything can be split in two. Not everything is one or the other.
For example, happy and healthy are best friends. Where one goes, the other follows. There is not one that is more important, because they are important to each other.
Sometimes, we need to understand how things work in opposition. By doing so, we can achieve balance and harmony. But we should also understand how things work in unison. Because it is only through individual parts coming together that we create something great.
My dad stopped scratching his cheek. He asked me if everything was okay.
I furiously nodded my head. "Daddy is very smart, I want to hear more!"
My dad laughed. Of course he was very smart, he told me teasingly. His snazzy glasses were not just there to be snazzy, you know.
For the rest of the night, we cleaned the dishes and did house chores. I listened carefully to what else he had to say. He told me complements were everywhere. They can be things you can see and taste, like cream and sugar. They can be things that you feel, like love and friendship. They can even be ideas. Stories, for example, are just many little thoughts that build off one another. By themselves, they do not do much. But put together, they become mystery and romance and adventure!
The outside lamps had turned on. My dad and I dumped the last bag of garbage. Done, he looked proudly at the house and all our work.
"Thank you, sweetie, for all your help tonight," he told me, patting my head.
"No, thank you, daddy," I said. "Dinner was really yummy."
He beamed.
It was bedtime. I stopped midway up the stairs.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, honey?"
My grip on the banister tightened. "Can… can I come with you to grocery shopping tomorrow?"
My dad blinked. Then, a slow, wobbly smile settled on his face.
"Of course you can."
I let out a breath I did not realize I had been holding. Nodding, I wished him a good night.
In my room, I sat on my bed for a long time. Utako sat next to me, in the same position by the pillow as always.
My hands clutched a button. I had seen it on my desk as I was changing and couldn't put it down.
'Peace is not the absence of war.'
It read like a reply. A response to something someone else said. Sadly, I had not been there to hear the conversation. I could not talk to the girl who spoke those words. I could not ask her what she had meant.
Peace…
… and war.
Both words were so fuzzy in my mind. The only times I ever heard about one was when someone was talking about the other. It was not possible to think about one without thinking of the other.
I thought back to what my dad said.
Not everything can be split in two. Did that make peace and war… complements?
I closed my eyes. But peace did not want to be with war. And war did not want to be with peace.
So not complements. Then they must be... opposites?
And yet…
My shoulders lowered. I reopened my eyes, defeated. I could not figure it out.
Sighing, I stared out my window. A thin rain had started, leaving pitter-patters against the glass.
I thought of Itachi. He must be gone by now. Another mission.
I hoped the rain missed him. I would not want him cold. Maybe if he traveled fast enough, if he managed to get far, far away from here…
I shrunk into myself.
No. I was lying again. I wished Itachi never left at all. I wished he was still home, in bed, together with Aunt Mikoto and Sasuke.
Looking back on it, Itachi never did come back happy. Even though he traveled the world, he never had any exciting tales to share. He never said he wanted to go, just needed to. He should not need to do anything he did not want to.
The first strike of lightning hit. The rain now pounded hard on the roof tiles.
Under my covers, I stared at my ceiling, the moving shadows against mismatched paint. My chest ached.
"Mommy," I whispered, just loud enough that she could hear and no one else.
"Mommy, one of my friends is in a bad place. Until I can help, can you please watch over him?"
Just until I could reach him...
Just until I could help...
I needed to help.
.
The air smelled clean in the new day. Water sparkled on top of leaves, the streets open and friendly. My dad and I slipped on our shoes. Puddles gathered in the crooked parts of the road. We made sure to hop over those or go around.
Everywhere we went, people smiled or waved. The man sweeping the street. The lady wrapping the papers. Some even stopped in the middle of their jobs to chat with my dad.
The most enthusiastic was a skinny grandpa with goldfish eyes. He was a gossiper, running over to greet us with news of old man Futoshi. It was scandalous; Futoshi had officially declared his niece the inheritor of his estate. Not a single ryou for the wife, who took care of him throughout his disability. Poor girl has no job, and soon won't even have a roof over her head!
The grandpa shook his head. "It's indecent. Plain indecent. Just because it don't matter to you no more, don't mean you go about doing what your heart fancies. Got to think of others, you know? Eighteen years she cooked and cleaned for him. Had she known he'd leave her empty, she would have gotten trained. Looked for work and some skills to feed herself. Now how will she survive?"
I jumped when the grandpa turned to me. He warned me to not make the same mistake as her. When the time came for me to marry, I should ignore any man who comes bearing only a full pocket.
I nodded. "You should marry for love!"
"Phooey!"
I jumped back again.
The grandpa told me to definitely, definitely ignore any man who comes bearing only his heart. Feelings are fickle, he said. They are states, not qualities. Those who act on desire and admiration are just as easily controlled by resentment and spite. In terms of reliability, love is even worse than money!
No, the correct choice, he said, is a man of honor.
"Honor?"
The grandpa nodded proudly. He said the best man was the traditionalist. Someone honest and upright. Someone virtuous and pure.
My mouth closed.
I walked away.
"Ayae? Honey?" Laughing nervously, my dad waved goodbye to the grandpa.
I felt a pat on my head. I looked up to see my dad had caught up to me. "Is everything okay, sweetie?"
"Yeah. Why do you ask?"
"You left without saying goodbye."
I did. I did not feel very sorry about it either. Only under my dad's watch did I end up a bit embarrassed with myself.
"Do you want to tell me what is on your mind?"
I shook my head. Even if I did, my thoughts were too jumbled to explain. I was still struggling to fit everything into words.
My dad nodded. "Okay. I'm here if you ever want to."
We reached the marketplace . The grocery was open for business. Fresh produce was being wheeled in and stacked for display. Further down were the fish and meat markets.
My dad patted his shirt until he found our list.
First item. Eggplant.
My eyes darted left and right. Aha!
"Found one!" I cried, holding up one of the eggplants on display. My dad rushed over.
"That's a good one!"
I smiled.
The rest of the morning, I zigzagged across the streets, picking up all things my dad had put on the list. When I saw anything in more than one place, I would report back the cheapest price.
The last stop was the bakery. The owner there handed my dad a bag. "Ah, Kenta, saved you the last one!"
My dad took a long sniff. "Oh wow! Is that nutmeg?!"
She wiped her hands. "They were selling a small batch in the last merchant convoy. Shipped all the way from the far southern islands. I would have walked away from the price alone if it hadn't been for all your raving."
They chatted more like old friends. The bakery owner told my dad of what she heard of the islands. How they put spices in everything, even their water. One of their drinks was this dark bubbly concoction made from leaf juice, fruit oils, and lots and lots of spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla.
My dad said that sounded absolutely brilliant. She laughed. She knew he would say that.
"Don't go too crazy on the experimentation there, Kenta." The bakery owner tilted her head. She noticed me coming up behind my dad. I relieved my dad of the bag of bread. "Is that little Ayae?"
"Good morning!" I greeted.
"My, where has the time gone. Last time I saw you, you were barely higher than this counter. Now look at you!"
I giggled. "When I get my growth spurt, I'll be even taller!"
She smiled, shaking her head. She said not everything has changed.
After my dad and I crossed off the last thing off our list, we took the main road back home. The sun was now much higher in the sky. An overcast still lingered, though, leaving the world bright and shadow-less.
As we walked, I noticed my dad was switching shoulders with some of the bags. So I grabbed the biggest one from him, the bag with the rice, and carried it instead. It was heavier than I expected, and I tipped back from the weight. After a little sway, I caught myself.
I didn't mind the extra weight. It was my thoughts that felt heavy. I was still very lost inside my head, but no matter how hard I thought, I could not find my way. Just a bunch of zigzags and circles.
Finally, I gave up.
"Hey daddy?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
I took a breath. "So I have a friend."
He nodded, encouraging me to go on.
"But he… he did some bad things. Terrible things." I swallowed. "What should he do?"
My dad thought this over. "Well, does your friend also think he has done a bad thing?"
I remembered yesterday, how quiet Itachi was, how broken he felt in my arms. He never hugged me back. Even as he walked me home, he never looked my way. It was like he was not allowed to anymore.
The ache was back.
"Yes," I whispered. "I think he does."
"Well, your friend is at a good start then."
My dad looked at the road ahead of us. He told me acknowledging a mistake is the first step. It is a hard step for many people. Which is understandable, because doing so often causes awful feelings inside us, feelings you can't ignore or return once there. And some of these feelings, you just have to bear.
But if you do bear them, you can move on to the next step. And that is to do whatever you can to make the bad, less bad. When you do something bad, very likely someone got hurt. One of the first, and most helpful, things to do then is to apologize. By apologizing, you are acknowledging their feelings and their pain. You are agreeing with them that they have been wronged. This can lessen their anger and allow them to heal faster.
There are other things you can do too. If something was stolen, maybe you can help return it. If something was broken, maybe you can help repair it. If something was lost, maybe you can help find it.
After you have done all you can, you can then go on to the third step. And that is to understand what caused you to do the bad thing in the first place. Once you do, you can go fix it and prevent yourself from making the same mistake.
"I see," I said. That all made a lot of sense.
"And there is one last step," my dad said, breaking me out of my thoughts.
He told me the final step is forgiveness. All those awful feelings earlier, you do not have to keep forever. It is okay to set them free.
We all makes mistakes. We all make wrong choices. We all have the capacity to hurt others, intentionally or accidentally. The purpose of the bad feelings is to guide us, so that by the time they leave, we have even more room for the good ones.
My dad let out a deep breath. We made our way back home. After carrying so many things for so long, he was wiped.
I went ahead and put all the groceries where they belonged. Meats in the freezer and vegetables in the fridge. Then I got the premade food we had for Doku and made sure he got fed.
Doku eagerly greeted me, even craning his neck to touch my fingers. I smiled back.
When I returned to the kitchen, I saw my dad with the rice bag. I rushed to help him heave it up and pour it all into the bin.
After all of it was in, we folded the bag for next time.
"You've become so strong," my dad said.
I glowed at the praise, until I noticed my dad looked a bit sad.
"Daddy?"
My dad put the bag aside. To me, he said, "I'm very sorry."
Huh?
My dad asked me if I remembered what he said earlier about making mistakes. He said this trip helped him understand his own.
He put a hand on my head. "I know I haven't been able to spend much time with you. And that I haven't been there in times you may have needed or wanted help. But I want to let you know I very much do want to, and I will work harder so you can feel safe coming to me for anything."
With that, he smiled and was ready to get up.
"It's Itachi."
I didn't realized what I had blurted out until after I did. By then, my mouth was already moving on its own.
"The friend I was talking about. It's Itachi."
I could not stop. That was when I finally told my dad.
I told my dad everything.
.
There were so many things I never told my dad. Years of things I saw. Things I did. As I went on and on, I could not believe how much I had been hiding.
Some things I hid because I didn't want to get in trouble. Others because I didn't want him worried. But it was clear the number one reason was… I could not be bothered.
I thought not saying anything would be easier. I thought it made me freer. I liked doing what I wanted without asking for permission.
Now I understood that the things I never told my dad were the same things that I knew, deep inside, were not entirely right. But I ignored those feelings, because I thought what I was doing was fun. I thought what I was doing was important. I thought it made me more grown-up.
All it really did was land me in messes that I was not ready to handle.
I was three weeks away from graduation. I was three weeks away from becoming a ninja, without ever thinking about what being a ninja meant. In the end, it was Itachi who talked to me about it. But that talk never should have happened with Itachi. It should have happened with my dad.
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you until now," I cried. "I'm so sorry, daddy."
My dad was crying too. He also had things he never told me.
He said what happened was his fault. It was his fault for not keeping his job back at the capital. It was his fault for bringing us to Konoha without understanding everything. It was his fault for not spending enough time with me to know what was happening.
He could have had more time. There were jobs that would have given him more money and more time, but he said no to those jobs. He did not believe in those jobs. They wanted him to build things he did not want to build. So he chose to work extra hours in a lesser position. And because of his choice, I was growing up without him.
It was his responsibility to make sure I was okay. So if I was not okay, he was not fulfilling his responsibility.
He lifted his glasses to wipe his eyes. He promised he was here now. He said he was so happy I trusted him still.
We talked all day. We did not even realize the time until the doorbell interrupted us.
"I got it," I croaked, unfolding myself from the couch.
I hadn't expected to see Shisui outside our doorstep.
Shisui was in uniform and breathing hard. I knew from Michio that Shisui was coming home from a mission sometime today. There was always a debriefing period, then a day or two to catch up on sleep, so I assumed I wouldn't see Shisui until Monday at the earliest.
"Squirt! Listen, we need-"
Shisui stopped when he saw the redness in my eyes. I wiped my nose the same time my dad did, the two of us in matching sniffles.
"-to talk."
The sight of my dad jumbled Shisui's next words.
My dad opened the door wider.
"Shisui! Please come in, come in, it's been a long time. Ayae and I were just talking, but wow, look at the clock, it's almost dinnertime, I should go make it, have you had dinner yet? You look famished, why don't you join us for dinner?"
Laughing, my dad wiped his glasses and urged Shisui inside.
Before Shisui knew it, he was on the couch with a remote dropped in his hand.
"Here, watch some T.V.! Promise all the cables are working this time!" my dad said cheerily between sniffles.
"Actually, your daughter, may I-"
My dad had already gone off to the kitchen.
And so, Shisui and I were left in the living room. On the T.V., a cartoon played. I hadn't watched cartoons in years. There was a bouncing dog and a robot space boy. From the laughter on screen, the current show was a funny one.
I half-heartedly watched, hugging a cushion. After so much talking and crying, I needed to breathe. The T.V. helped me calm down.
Shisui didn't calm down. Beside me, he was jumpier than a spider monkey. He looked at me, then in the direction of the kitchen, then back at me. I could tell something was wrong.
"Is everything okay?" we asked at the same time.
I went first.
"You're all nervous," I pointed out. "Did something happen on your mission?"
Shisui rubbed his neck. "Ah, nope, same old, same old." He dropped his hand. "How's that heart holding up?"
I hugged the cushion tighter. "Better. I got a new doctor. He said I should be okay."
Shisui nodded.
The T.V. kept running but neither of us paid attention.
"So, uh, I swear I've only been gone a few weeks," Shisui began, "but did I just miss, like, everything, while I was away? Because from what I can tell, the village's now doing something, the clan's now doing something, Itachi's done something, and you-"
"I'm dropping out."
Shisui laughed nervously. "Yeah! That! You mind, uh, giving me the deets on that? I'm all for, you know, spontaneity and fighting that status quo and whatnot, but. You. Ninja. Graduate- us- no?"
He was flipping out. I did not blame him. Everything did happen very fast.
"I'm sorry, Shisui, I won't be joining you guys as ninja," I whispered. The words sank my stomach. "I spoke with Itachi, and we decided it would be a bad idea."
Shisui made a noise.
"Itachi," he repeated, looking pale.
I nodded.
"Itachi told you not to graduate," Shisui said weakly.
I stared at the floor and nodded again. "The new doctor said there's something to unlock my ninjutsu and Itachi..."
"... plans to make that fail," Shisui finished.
He was numb with disbelief, sinking into the couch.
"You know," he said, "it's incredible days like these that make me want to take a step back, evaluate my life decisions, and ask myself how I managed to end up in a conspiracy circle within a conspiracy circle within a conspiracy circle."
He rubbed his face. "You know what, nope. I don't care." He was talking to himself now. "There's a line. We put down a line. Sure, we hopped on the line, we stomped on the line, we decided screw it and moved the line, but this. Nope, nope."
I leaned in, worried. He was sounding like a crazy person.
"Shisui…?"
I yelped when he put both hands on my shoulders, his expression serious.
"Okay, squirt, hold still. Promise this won't hurt… much."
I was so confused. Then I saw his eyes. They turned red.
Gulping, I wondered what Shisui was doing. Even though I knew many people in my clan could change eyes, this was the first time I had ever seen red on Shisui. He was so serious too.
It was scary. I did not dare talk, scared that if I made any sudden moves, we would explode.
Thankfully, like he said, whatever he was doing did not hurt.
I didn't feel anything, actually.
He kept holding my shoulders and looking at me super intensely.
Finally, I broke the silence.
"Um… Shisui?" I held my breath. Still no explosion. That gave me the courage to continue. "What are you doing?"
Shisui blinked. His eyes went back to normal. He looked confused all over again.
"You're not under genjutsu."
I slowly shook my head.
"Itachi… he didn't…"
I shook my head faster. I understood now.
"Shisui, I know Itachi doesn't want me to be a ninja. But he didn't brainwash me, if that's what you're worried about."
"Pft, brainwash? Brainwash. Where do you kids get these ridiculous ideas." Shisui glanced away, looking both embarrassed and relieved. A big thing that troubled him was gone.
My throat was coarse. I felt drained. Still, Shisui was my good friend. He deserved to know the full story, so I explained to him what was going on.
Shisui listened as I told him how I had doubts about the ninja path ever since the Kou incident. I was not sure I wanted to stay, but I was not sure I wanted to quit either. Itachi helped me decide.
It must have hurt Itachi to tell me the truth, but I was glad he did. It was through him that I realized I could never be a ninja. Being a ninja meant taking a promise I would never be able to uphold. It meant following a belief that I did not believe.
I thought all my tears had run out, but I felt a new wave coming. "I'm really sorry, Shisui. I didn't know. I didn't know how bad it was. How b-bad it was for Itachi. For you." I buried myself into his chest.
"O-oi!" Shisui looked embarrassed, clumsily hugging me back. He didn't know what to do. He wasn't good around tears.
Before he could say anything, my dad called us for dinner.
"Oh glorious pumpkins… your dad. He knows too, doesn't he," Shisui squeaked.
I nodded.
No more secrets. My dad and I were a team now. Anything I knew, my dad deserved to know.
Shisui did not know how to react to that. He thought he was in a bizarre dream. In the end, he decided that if he was in a dream, he might as well enjoy my dad's amazing cooking. We realized Shisui had never had a real dinner with us before. My dad happily served him seconds, and thirds, and fourths.
By the end of the day, we had stopped crying. At the door, my dad gave Shisui a bag of leftover treats to take home. My dad told Shisui he was always welcome our home any time, for food or otherwise.
"Can I get that offer in writing?" Grin fading, Shisui looked at me again. "We'll talk again."
I nodded.
Shisui and Itachi were best friends. They disagreed often, but they never had a disagreement they couldn't resolve. Unlike other boys, they never fought, not once. They understood each other through listening, not shouting and fists.
I knew that for all the important things, they supported each other wholeheartedly. Whatever plan Itachi had to get me through this, Shisui would be there to make it happen.
And once it happened…
I looked at my hands. I had cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
It was the right thing to do. So why did I still feel sad?
.
There was no dilly-dallying. My clan moved fast. Barely a day had passed when my uncles stood outside our door. I had been summoned to the main house. The sun hadn't even rose; my dad and I were still in our pajamas.
Everything happened in a blitz. No one told me anything. No one gave me a choice. They left my dad just as confused and without any say.
Before I knew it, I was sitting in the dojo of the main house, surrounded by a crowd of people. Itachi's father sat at the front with many elderly men. Aunt Mikoto was not there. Sasuke was not there. My heart pounded when I realized Itachi was still on his mission and not there either. Neither was Shisui. My dad wasn't even allowed inside.
I expected Itachi's father to at least ask me if I knew why I was pulled here. He didn't, only turning to the incoming person.
My back straightened when I saw Tomoe approach me with a lidded cup. Smoothly she presented it to me, uncapping the contents. I stared at the swirling black liquid.
It didn't look like hot chocolate.
When I didn't move, Itachi's father got impatient.
"Drink."
Shrinking, I looked around. Was it too early in the morning? Was Shisui still asleep? Shisui, wake up, you big dummy. Help me!
Panicked, I scanned around for an escape route. Tomoe's voice brought me back.
"It's not wise to disobey orders…" She leaned in for a whisper. "... honey doll."
Grinning, Tomoe left the cup in my hands and rose up to join the others. I stared at her, then at the liquid again.
Gulping, I brought the cup to my lips. I looked up again at everyone before taking the plunge. I poked my tongue out for a sip.
Ew, ew, it was bitter!
It was so bitter!
I was ready to drop everything and run until Tomoe sent me a glare. I conceded. I drank the whole thing, then wiped my mouth. When it was done, my uncles tensed, ready for something to happen.
Nothing did, except my stomach getting very unhappy with me. I grimaced from the bad aftertaste.
"We'll know definitively after a week," Tomoe told Itachi's dad. He nodded.
They dismissed me, and I got reunited with my dad. It turned out Shisui was awake after all. He had been waiting outside too.
Just as I was about to talk to him about what I drank, he clapped his hands over my mouth. "Hey squirt, let's head over to a training field. Maybe a little morning spar to work off that new energy."
I nodded a little too enthusiastically.
The spar was fun. Michio joined us too, and I was amazed at myself for keeping up with him so well. I half-believed I drank the real medicine after all, because I felt GREAT!
"You know, because it always tasted icky, I never got it, but I totally get it now, my dad is so smart to drink it everyday, this is so awesome, I wonder if this is what using chakra feels like, you knowIfeel like I can do everything, IthinkI might actually be able to do ninjutsu, I wonder if I think hard enough I canlikeshoot a fireball out of my hands, and Michio, come on, get up, getupgetupgetup you're getting your butt kicked! Don't you want to beat me, don't youwannadance, we should dance, okay we're dancing, wheeeeEEEE!"
"SHISHI, SAVE ME!"
Shisui remained flat on the ground. He mumbled something into the grass.
"I wonder if I can fly too!"
His head lifted up at that. "Wait, what, no, sq-!"
.
Itachi came back from his mission on Thursday. He stared at the patch on my forehead and cheeks.
I opened my mouth.
"I tried to fly," I explained. After a pause, "I can't fly."
The coffee had long worn off. I was back to being the same old me again. Still without ninjutsu. Still powerless. I couldn't help him. I couldn't even join him.
Before he could say anything, I pulled him into a hug. "Promise me you'll still be my friend even if I can't fly. Promise me you'll still love me even if I can't be a hero."
Itachi didn't move, his entire body tense. He still wouldn't return my hug, and it was enough to make me break down again.
Then he said something. He said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear.
"You can be you."
