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Chapter 4: What You Talkin' Bout, Baine?

Suba ate all my porridge. It happened while I left him alone in the dark cave with all those provisions. You know, before Saturna Sunstrider and her Blood Elf rats arrived? I mean, I couldn't carry everything up to the hut at once. So Suba gobbled up three big grain bags full of sun-dried Mulgore oats.

Ugh…

Also, Chief Baine Bloodhoof sent word that I was going to become a Sunwalker Paladin by the end of the day 'because the fate of Mulgore depended on it.' I sent a note back to him asking how did he know a Tauren Pathfinder wouldn't be better at an actual investigation, you know, hunting for the truth? Wouldn't it be more likely that the 'fate of Mulgore' depended on a Pathfinder?

Especially since Saturna was shiftier than a rattlesnake's shadow, so of course we shouldn't give Kael'thas' queen exactly what she wanted. I didn't care what she said. Plus, I liked being stubborn.

In the middle of me eating what was left of breakfast—the dried fruit and venison jerky that was lying around in the bottom of my bag, covered with pocket lint—Baine himself rode up to my hut. This time, his war kodo drums were booming (to make sure I was awake, no doubt). And he told me he was going to 'kick my ass' if I wasn't on time for my own Paladin initiation into the Sunwalkers at Bloodhoof Village, sundown. But then I said I would be forced to fight him if he didn't let me do this investigation the proper way, as a Pathfinder would. It was plain dumb to abscond to Silvermoon if I looked into things around Mulgore and the evidence simply didn't point in that direction.

Then, Baine shoved me.

"What the-?"

Well, I shouldn't have acted so surprised. I was boiling over for exactly this to happen, ever since Baine bad-mouthed Mu'sha's Light the day before. And I still needed to talk to Baine about that!

I pushed him right back.

Baine's next shove knocked me off my hooves, "Son of an Ogre!"

"What did you say about my dear dead, shaman mother?!"

Baine furrowed his brow at me, "Uh, that insult usually applies to the father. We all liked your mother…"

Didn't matter. This was probably my only chance to punch my own chieftan in the face and I was taking it.

Looking back, two grown Tauren men slugging each other with punches for no reason (and out of season, no less) up in the desolate hills where no one can see… is pretty stupid. I held my own, but Baine was just younger and stronger. That made me grumpy, and so Baine was able to lock horns and kick out my feet from under me more times than I could stand. And so then, I wasn't standing by the end of it. I was flat on my back, exhausted. Baine had a seat across from me.

"…Truce?" Baine asked, breathless.

"Never."

"Please, things are bad enough. Don't be as terrible as… well, Sylvanas and Nathanos, beating on us Tauren all the time."

It got quiet. Even the birds seemed to soften their cries.

"…You beating me up was the last thing I needed, okay Turaho! Anyway, I thought we were friends?"

Friends today, maybe. But the minute Baine went down the mountain again, we'd be strangers, just like the last time—"

I couldn't resist, "Beating up the Tauren? What does that mean?"

"Well, they make fun of us. It's not… Too many people do. Don't take it personal."

I didn't buy it. Not when Baine looked depressed about the admission. Not when he was in a state where he was ready to fight me. I knew why I wanted to fight Baine. Because of my porridge, my piss-poor assignment with a bunch of Blood Elves, this dumb holiday. And my porridge… But why was Baine so upset? What in the world were they doing to our poor chieftan over in Orgrimmar, in Grommash Hold?

I gave Baine a look that said I wasn't playing any more games with him, "Are you saying the Tauren in trouble? So they are threatening us in some way?"

"I can't explain it. Just… try very hard to keep the Blood Elves happy. Especially during this holiday."

"No. It's not about the holiday. It's not about Greatfather Winter, either. I can tell. Baine, someone connected with Grommash Hold obviously said or did something. I want to hear about it." Baine kept insisting to me that it wasn't so serious, the he misspoke. I at last convinced Baine that only I would know what would constitute a serious threat; it was my line of work after all.

And then, of course, I told Baine to start at the top…

Turaho, the Blood Elves had already gone home for Winter's Veil. It's harder for them around the holidays, being from across the Great Sea. So that left Sylvanas, Nathanos, Rohkan, Gallywix and myself alone in Grommash Hold. We were supposed to be talking about Zuldazar and their navy. Ironing out plans for a final negotiation for use of their ships. Except, that's not how it went at all.

Sylvanas was seated on the throne—well, it's not a throne, really. Thrall, Vol'jin and not even horrifying Garrosh ever used it that way. It's just a symbol, a place of respect where the warchief stands and receives people. But she had her leg swung over the armrest, and her elbow on the other one, sort of lounging. Like this whole Horde thing was a joke. Or, she thought it was 'cute'. Sylvanas had called us quaint before. I suppose, and I'm trying to be real nice here thought it may not sound like it… After you've lived a life slaughtering thousands under a Lich King's control, you might see the position of Warchief of the Horde as a bit of a step down. Some walk in the park. I try to give her that much credit.

Nathanos was seated at a table using his fist to smash open walnuts. Don't laugh, I taught him how to do it. Not that Nathanos needs to really eat, but he finds it fun and intimidating. Even those used to him, like Rohkan and me, can't help but flinch every time the table bangs under his fist. One nice thing about his bad habit—Nathanos will choke on a handful of smashed nuts now and again. And Sylvanas never helps him.

"Do it again, Gallywix. Go on."

Sylvanas meant Gallywix's Kael'thas impression. The trade prince of the Goblins was wandering around with a yellowish mop on his head. Rohkan and I were busy studying the big map of Zuldazar—you know, actually working.

So Gallywix starts shouting, "I beat the Demons! I beat Illidan and the Burning Legion—"

Here, Sylvanas smirked,"You'd think Kael'thas did it all on his own. Nathanos, why does Kael'thas never mention the Army of the Light whenever he remembers the Burning Crusade?"

Nathanos scraped up a handful of smashed nuts, tossed them back into his mouth, "Probably because they wanted to kill 'em. And they almost did, too."

Gallywix raised his staff in the air, for quiet. You know, that abominable one with an azurite chunk welded to the top.

"Ladies and gentleman, please—" By the way, Turaho, don't expect me to do a good Goblin accent,"I cointaintly can't paform without a willin' audience at dis point."

Sylvanas inclined her head regally, "Of course, do go on, Gallywix."

"M'pleasure. 'I beat the Burning Legion, singlehanded! I even showed that Illidan where ta stick it! Do you think the Alliance is any threat? Do you think Sylvanas is anything to really be afraid of? Do you? King Kael'thas Sunstrider is never afraid!"

"Ugh, that's just like him, isn't it, Nathanos? And it's actually more Kael'thas-like with a Goblin accent."

"Yeah. Kael'thas is about that trashy."

Gallywix started laughing with them, he had to. Either that or actually show how much he hated Sylvanas cracking her jokes.

Gallywix continued parading around for a while. He also pretended to grab and kiss a few of the battle standards that are propped up in Grommash Hold—pretending they were succubae and other demonesses hanging around in Kael'thas' court, probably. What a disgrace! But that's what it all comes to, without the Thralls and the Vol'jins and Cairnes of this world. That's how bad Sylvanas and them are without the Blood Elves around.

I was just about to ask Rokhan if he wanted to go out for some air rather than listen to all that, when I heard Nathanos turn the subject particularly dark.

"The Tauren have served us well, at least." Then loud enough to show he knew I was listening in, "Right, Baine? I couldn't imagine any of you doing any less than putting your best efforts down, roasted and garnished on silver platters for our great Dark Lady."

I felt Sylvanas watching me, daring me.

If I could get away without saying anything, I would. They knew that.

Rohkan decided he wasn't going to wait for them to get around to messing with him, "And da Trolls. Ya wouldn'ta had nothing, Nathanos, if it weren't for our good connections with de Zandalar."

One doesn't insult Sylvanas. But you can get about as far as putting down her second-in-command, the Dark Prince.

Nathanos had this ugly look on his face. Few of them had the real courage to insult the Trolls. Vol'jin's death not being so long ago. And one word from Rohkan could spoil the alliance with the Zandalar, I'm sure.

But, Thunderbluff… she has very little to bargain with.

Nathanos took the hint and decided to pick on somebody else,"That Kael'thas, though! He needs to be taken down a notch."

"Many notches." Sylvanas looked aside, at something beneath her on the floor. Some shadow or insect, crawling along.

"…Would that please you, my queen?"

"Hrm?" Sylvanas can get very casual with no one else around. She rested chin in palm and began to bounce the leg she'd swung over the armrest. "What's that, punkin-poo?"

Turaho. Please don't tell anyone else she calls Nathanos that. It'd be very bad for him. And it would put Nathanos and maybe the whole Horde leadership in a very bad light.

Too late, this is my memoir after all, Baine. And too bad for Nathanos. Whoops!

"Well, I might…" Nathanos rolled two walnuts around in his palm, letting them click gently, "Finally nab that old suitor of yours, what do you think?"

A long moment passed. Everyone in that room noticed how unprofessional this was getting.

"Come on, Sylvie, it might be fun. What's the point of all this new power if you can't enjoy it?"

"I do enjoy my power, Nathanos."

He sputtered, "I have no question in my mind that you do. But why let Kael'thas annoy you so? He throws his weight around in the Eastern Kingdoms, he's never come to Orgrimmar to meet you, he always finds some excuse. And then those arrogant speeches. It's like he doesn't even see himself as part of the Horde. He's running his own show over in Silvermoon."

"Oh, Kael'thas. He's like a rude uncle I'm relieved to never have to deal with." Sylvanas rolled her red eyes."And now there's a shiny-pretty-perfect holiday ball I'm supposed to go to in Silvermoon, and pretend it isn't covered in Kael'thas and horrible. He'll try to make up for two whole years of putting me off in one evening, I'm sure." She sighed with great annoyance and almost melted into the chair, "At least I'll have you with me, Nathanos. Can't you be content with that?"

Nathanos had set his teeth right in the bone, though, "You could so easily show Kael'thas his place!" He turned to her, his chair creaked, "Why, there's even a way to get his nose out of joint where he couldn't trace it directly back to you."

"Oh, Nathanos. Kael'thas barely mentioned marriage to me maybe two lifetimes ago, it feels like. Around the same time he was supposedly courting Jaina, which proves how sincere he actually was. But none of that matters now." Sylvanas sounded bored, which always panicked Nathanos for some reason. I suppose he takes it personally. He would.

"If you let me do this, Sylvie, Kael'thas would know that you punished him. And you would know and then I would know, but Kael'thas would not be able to bring any charges against us. How is not the perfect crime?"

Those arrogant fools have a way of talking over other races like we're the help and not even in the room!

I said,"You know, Rohkan and I are trying hard to figure out whether the Zandalar ships might approach Kalimdor from the south-east or the south-west, if anyone is curious…"

At last, Sylvanas got up from her irreverent seat. She walked on those boots of hers, strutted up to us and put hands on her hips.

Nathanos was still insistent. Worse, he was being ignored by the she sun in his sky. "My queen, I can do anything you task me with! I could really shut that Kael'thas up, for once! You talk about surviving his ghastly holiday party—imagine how fun it could be if we could smile about this all evening, right under his nose?"

Sylvanas became engrossed in what Rohkan and I had mapped out. She tutted and moved one of the wooden boat markers in another direction. "…What was that, punkin-poo?"

"Kael'thas! Let me get my revenge on Kael'thas! For you, I mean." Then, he finished calmly, "My lady."

Sylvanas turned around, eyes narrowed at him, "Whatever. Just don't make a mess." Then, she glared at me, "Why don't Tauren have ships, Baine? Blood Elves do, the Forsaken do. Goblins and Trolls have ships as well. I have our builders working day and night to match the Alliance, but we just don't have enough ships!"

She just keeps saying that, you know. No matter what you come to Sylvanas with, that's like her little speech. Even if I explain that Tauren were always a land-locked race, surrounded by the Barrens, Mulgore and Thousand Needles, which didn't use to be flooded with water…

Baine had started to ramble, so I raised my hand and stopped him. And it was quite a story, at that. One I hoped never to hear again. Baine's inside look into Horde leadership would have been funny if it wasn't totally horrifying.

Baine focused on his real point in all this, "An alliance with the Blood Elves," then he rephrased that, of course, "A closer partnership with the Blood Elves right now would benefit the Tauren. The Trolls are in no state to help us, nor the Orcs. The Forsaken are running the whole show as I explained, fully enabled, and actually, financed by the Goblins. The Blood Elves can't always be there to temper things in Grommash Hold, of course. And since the Forsaken are pretty much shifty by nature, it's only spiraling faster and farther into paranoid nonsense."

"So, the Horde leadership is actually some kind of circus side-show right now?"

Baine nodded and scratched his head, "Nathanos said he'd like to roast us. He said we Tauren like to put ourselves on a silver platter. I don't think that's the kind of threat you were worried about."

And then, I felt terrible for Baine, who would have been the only sane one in the bunch, whenever the Blood Elf ambassadors weren't around. Assuming they were more reliable than Kael'thas, or Queen Saturna for that matter.

"Oh Turaho, don't look at me like that, like I'm some puppy. I'm handling it fine." He rubbed his hands together, "You don't think… there could be a real connection between Nathanos and Kael'thas? That Nathanos has anything to do with this Greatfather Winter scheme? I can't imagine that being his style?"

"Baine, what I think is that you need help."

"Help the Blood Elves and then you will be helping me, Turaho. I know you can't accomplish all that with your investigation in Silvermoon, and perhaps it shouldn't even be a priority when you'll be searching for the truth—in fact, forget that I asked. But just keep in mind that the Blood Elves are our friends. Try everything that you can to resolve it with them, you know, Turaho… together? Gods, I hope Greatfather Winter is alright. I pray he doesn't fall victim while we grapple with all this useless… politicking."

I was done hearing about Greatfather Winter. He was just a scheming Dwarf in a suit! No better than Gallywix as far as I was concerned! Either someone the old Dwarf scammed was busy getting their revenge on him, or he was already dead. Both fine with me!

But finding out 'whodunit' was now imperative. Whoever had committed this crime also decided to target Mulgore and us Tauren in the process. That needed to be exposed and dealt with. "And that's another thing—I happen to know Gallywix still has threads running through the Venture Co. Most Trade Princes ultimately do. The Venture Co. wants a piece of Mulgore and its rich resources. They always have."

"But Gallywix—he wouldn't!" Baine got very doe-eyed, then. See? Some things, only a Pathfinder can handle. Like cold-hard reality. And I knew that Baine didn't like Sylvanas personally, which worried me, because it might mean he had a good reason not to and he knew her better than I did. However, I also sensed it was a case of Baine not being as, let's say, aware, of the evil in the world. Sylvanas had been made low by it in her life, dragged right through all that muck. She never wanted it, but it came after her and tried to destroy her.

However it looked to most, Sylvanas had learned to fight evil back, tooth for tooth. She had her boot heel on its neck, these days.

I went on, "I'm warning you that Nathanos and Gallywix could even be working together. Wish I had a better sense of their true personalities… Baine, you think there could be a chance of that, some kind of team-up?"

"Wait. So now you're saying you don't think Kael'thas kidnapped Greatfather Winter?"

"I already said that I think Kael'thas is a skunk. But… it does not sit well with me that Kael'thas would be committing the exact same crime, kidnapping Greatfather Winter, that he already committed more than a decade ago in Shatthrath City. I can't believe Kael'thas would be so stupid. He is the first one everybody would suspect. And, you know, the Night Elves already have." Then I had a flash of insight, "Come to think of it, would the Night Elves…?"

"Would they what?"

There had already been enough drama in our little talk. I was afraid to drop the other shoe with Baine. I knew well that Baine had a several relatives who were druids working alongside Night Elves in the Cenarion Circle. I'd have to bring up the Night Elves possibly undermining us very carefully with him. I decided not to revisit the Night Elf lead, at least not officially, until I had more evidence.

Baine sighed, "So, Nathanos and Gallywix are also in the running. As well as Kael'thas. But you don't have time or the resources to investigate all of them."

One last time, I complained that I should handle this as a Pathfinder, and not play-act as some Paladin Sunwalker for Queen Saturna Sunstrider. Baine mostly ignored me.

"Start by ruling Silvermoon out, then. Rule out Silvermoon and rule out the Sunstriders. It's much easier than accusing Sylvanas' favorite boy-toy outright, isn't it?"

It was a terrible idea and bound to fail.

But I got distracted by yet another thing Baine had said. Favorite boy-toy? Didn't that mean there were others? That Sylvanas herself had a few romances going? I was afraid to ask. Well, I'd get Baine drunk on some good firewater first, then ask him later. If I survived this imbecilic mission.

So I brooded about something else instead, while I still could, "Baine, did you notice how Saturna called me Tura-jo yesterday? When have I ever been Tura-Joe?"

"Correct her, then. Just don't be an ass about it. I won't go as far as telling you to surrender your tribe-given name to another race. We don't have to be that modern."

"And Baine, I still think you shouldn't let the big cities or the Elves of the world change you. Don't fall off the Tauren-wagon again. You're still learning to be a leader in a lot of ways, Baine, and that skunk Gallywix, Sylvanas, and Kael'thas himself are really poor examples. I wouldn't go learning anything from them.In my day, at least we had Vol'jin…"

"And you're in a rut. Get the hell out of it before you start telling me what to do, Tura-JOE."

I told Baine that he was free to leave, after that. But Baine said he was escorting me right to Thunderbluff to make absolute sure I met with Saturna and the others.

"I won't warn you again, Turaho. Do this with the Blood Elves. With! That means together, in partnership. Alright? Kael'thas is watching this whole thing in case you haven't guessed it. I hate being on that man's bad side."

"How could King Kael'thas be watching us, all the way out here in Mulgore?"

Baine only tapped his temple, in a mysterious way.

I figured that meant Baine didn't really know the answer either. So, Saturna had given him the impression that Kael'thas was capable of being some omnipresent god-like creature (which would make her obsessed in a very dark way, or else a completely suggestible idiot), or Kael'thas really did have scrying orbs stashed on people in hard-to-reach places.

Greaaat.

Hey, speaking of Kael'thas—sometimes, don't you just get the feeling Kael'thas should have ended up a looted corpse at the end of some dungeon back during the Burning Crusade? How did that fink ever escape the stinking wreckage he left in Azeroth and Outland—on two whole planets!

Maybe that was the real reason why I didn't want to rush and become a Paladin, or go to Silvermoon for that matter. My one comfort in hearing about Kael'thas' misdeeds all through the years was that I was a small, small person. I was a good Pathfinder, yeah, but still—there was no way in hell I was ever going to meet him.

Usually, when you play that game to see how many degrees of separation you are away from celebrities, it's exciting. 'I could meet Cairne Bloodhoof! I could meet Malfurion Stormrage!'

Nobody goes, 'Ohmigosh! I'm going to meet Kael'thas Sunstrider! I can't wait for him to snarl at me and melt my face off the moment I dare to disagree with him!'

Look. Happy cows come from Mulgore. They don't come from Silvermoon, people.