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Note: It isn't going to be weird, I promise. Turaho's just a goofball.
Chapter 11: Actually Good Tauren Pickup Lines
The way people were partying by then—you'd think there hadn't been a dramatic winter storm, then the kidnapping of the most revered Dwarf this season, aside from King Magni Bronzebeard. It was surreal, everyone drinking, hollering and carrying on, while the civilized world was covered in snow, so noble and in mourning… Or, maybe it was just very Horde of us.
When you're on an even bigger mission to get blind drunk like me, myself and I, you can hardly tell! Woohoo!
I was being so grumpy before, I almost forgot that it was my party, and that meant it was also time to see if the man, the myth, the legend, the new Paladin Turaho Runestalker was gonna get some booty-booty before he had to go off to Silvermoon! Cause I had been freshly initiated, I had on my new Sunwalker leathers and beads, and that new-man minty fresh smell is always bound to turn on the ladies like nothing else. How could I have missed that possibility? Yes!
And one night was all I needed, are you kidding me? Have fun and go. Don't break any hearts, just enjoy. Going away the next day wasn't some death sentence.
Amazing the things you miss when you're busy being depressed. I assumed that it wasn't possible, that I wouldn't have time to romance any of these females… but a few hours was fine. A few precious hours before going away to Silvermoon.
I felt like I'd come back from the dead! Sorry to say it, but my libido was on fire!
Well, not sorry. Just watch and learn. The stud is about to go into action…
I got a big drink and looked for the queen of the… Knights of the Booty Nexus, or whatever. This secret organization Saturna was running under my nose was actually kind of hot. Games within games, secrets within secrets? How naughty. What else was she into, then? Hey, I'm an investigator, I guess that's what I like.
… Are you laughing at me?
Hey, think I could get her alone if I played it like I needed to question her about Greatfather Winter? Cause yeah, that's the whole point of this adventure, so it's still a thing.
Come on along with me, read on. I need a wingman.
When I found her, Saturna was standing with Aponi Brightmane, having a terse conversation about the Silver Hand. I couldn't believe my luck. Saturna's only other option for conversation with a high-up person was Chief Baine and I noticed that he kept giving Saturna pretty singed looks. Baine had learned his lesson from before, and being shouted at by an angry, jealous King Kael'thas was clearly not a pleasant experience.
Welp! More for me! His royal arse was all the way across the Great Sea and, like Alessandre said, nobody cares what the lowly Tauren investigator does…
Ugh, get out of my head, Alessandre! You're harshing my vibe here… Why am I even thinking of a Night Elf at a time like this?
Anyway. I'm a Paladin now, and I'm playing to win. Time for Baine to learn from the master.
"Saturna, may I ask you something about Silvermoon? I'm afraid it's a bit personal, regarding the investigation. Poor, poor Greatfather Winter…"
Just as I suspected, she was relieved to get away. Saturna actually walked pretty far with me, considering that we both knew it was a fake reason. That is, until I dropped the true name of her secret organization and she hastened me to a quiet spot, behind a row of longhouses.
I went, "There's a closet upstairs, actually—"
"Shh—It's called the Knights of the Blood Nexus, by the way! Who told you it was the Knights of the Booty Nexus? That's terrible! That's… " then she snorted laughter and had to stop herself.
Ah, I love this girl. A queen and she can still do that. Saturna's so fun.
"Ah, so it does exist?"
"…Not in the way you're implying." She crossed her arms and waited. It was my turn to laugh.
I enjoyed it greatly.
"But back to being serious, though. Saturna, why have you done this, made a secret sect of Bloodknights that not even the Silver Hand Knows about?"
"They know. They just can't do anything about it. That's the real danger."
"Damn. I knew you Elves were vain but… you really are implying that you are more important than a world-wide order of Paladins? I don't believe that, so I'm sure as hell Lord… Maxwell doesn't believe it either."
"Lord Maxwell Tyrosus? How does he come into this? What has he said to you?"
I slowed myself down. I had been drinking, I had Saturna all alone, and I was really, really up from having just become a Paladin, being the star of the party, and being able to… I was sure that I'd just petted Zoca again, too, from the spirit world.
I looked down and poured out the last of what I had to drink in my cup. No more Firewater tonight. It could ruin my whole investigation.
"My cousin met Lord Maxwell in the Western Plaguelands, as part of his tour of duty in the Eastern Kingdoms." I hated to mention the names of my family members, but better to give her everything at once rather than tempt her into investigating it, herself, "Sunwalker Brunho Runestalker had a chat with Lord Maxwell about me being so depressed. Brunho did all this before he even knew I was going to investigate the Blood Elves, so don't hassle him about it. There's no need for you to bother my cousin."
Saturna kept looking at me. She wasn't sure if she could trust it or not. At last, she breathed out and relaxed. "True. There couldn't be any connection."
"He also met Sunthraze the Sly," that felt so weird to say with a straight face, "but Brunho had no idea of that connection either."
Saturna tensed up again, "So then how did you know about the Knights of the Blood Nexus? Who told you, if not your cousin?"
Gods, I'm good. If you listen, there's a straight line Saturna drew there, from Sunthraze, to my cousin, over to this conversation… So this Sunthraze guy was probably one. I'd bet money on that. I wondered if I could guess the others. I wondered if they had back-issues of Goblin Gentleman's Magazine in the libraries of Silvermoon. More research would be in order.
"I have my sources."
"Another thing my source warned me of. Somebody crashed this party. But back in Thunderbluff. And I think the, uh… Night Elf arrived before even then. He must have been with us back at my hut, too. That's how much he's overheard."
Saturna was thinking quickly through all of it. And also, no doubt, the fact that I wouldn't say his name.
"A rogue?"
"Yep. He saw you and Baine with Kael'thas, too."
"Don't put it like that! I am married remember?"
Which reminded me, when exactly was the flirting and smooching behind the houses going to begin?
"So… the kind of marriage you have…"
"It's not creative, in any measure. Kael'thas and I are committed to each other."
Drat. Well, I'd also stopped her from seducing me anymore. Since we both knew I knew nothing was going to happen.
Ugh…
But wasn't that supposed to be a good thing? People honoring their marriage vows?
Saturna licked her lip, nervous, "It's Alessandre."
I nodded.
A small detail that Alessandre had dropped sort of came to the front of my mind, then. It wasn't appropriate at all. I wondered if there was any way I could ask whether Kael'thas actually did sleep with his succubus? I presumed—I hoped—it was a holdover from his bachelor years as a young warlock. Seemed like something a warlock initiate, and a total desperate dork, would do.
Would Saturna finally come around if I could prove he was cheating? They wouldn't be all that committed to each other, then. Ha!
I looked in her eyes, as Saturna was busy being worried about Alessandre himself skulking around. True concern was there. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to burden her with what was, let's be honest, a slappable offense. It was the sort of thing that might work in an investigation, placing some more heat on your suspect. But I was circling around breaking up a marriage, wasn't I?
Well… but if he's a loser and it needs to end anyway?
Then, another voice, I'd never heard it before, stepped in. Is that something a good Paladin would do?
"We shouldn't be alone like this, then. Turaho, let's get back to the others."
"But he doesn't want to target you—"
"How do you know?"
Should I reveal that I'd spoken to Alessandre? One on one? For a really long time, long enough for Alessandre to offer me a chance to become a double agent?
That was most dangerous for me.
"He just… would have tried it by now. Alessandre has had plenty of opportunities. And imagine, if he's this capable, he's had many opportunities over several years that he hasn't taken. Alessandre doesn't want to take out you or Kael'thas so easily. It's probably politically… messy, somehow."
Why had I lied to her about Kael'thas?
I offered Saturna my arm in a gentile fashion, and politely ushered her back to the party. I felt like an idiot doing so, giving away a free pot roast supper, but there you go.
"Turaho? You can mention my organization to other people if you want to, but it'll come back on you, you know."
"Will it?" I couldn't keep lust and intrigue out of my voice.
"The Silver Hand is afraid of us. What does that tell you?"
"Come on, you don't really need that much control. Over all of the Blood Elf Paladins? And also over the Silver Hand? It's almost laughable that Silvermoon thinks itself that important."
"Trust me, I do need it. And I suppose it is very, very funny, Turaho." She whispered, "…But only to me. Now, think about what all that means before you challenge me again. Okay, pooky-bear?" Well, Saturna had been onto me, at least in that respect. She got her teasing look in.
That was spooky and enticing all at once. However, I couldn't pursue it. Not romantically and not for work, either. At least not yet.
So… Next! There's always someone else pretty to put on the menu.
Ah. Aponi Brightmane herself… So nice of her to come all the way down to Bloodhoof Village just to see me. And I mean, really see me. She just didn't know it yet. Now's my turn to waggle my eyebrows in an obvious manner.
Actually, if I put Saturna back with her, I might be able to bump Aponi out of orbit and get her alone. Since neither woman liked the other. Haha-Let's try it!
…I succeeded. Saturna looked confused and annoyed at first, since I was the one who saved her from Aponi to start with. But Saturna eventually excused herself and wandered off to some other part of the gathering.
Leaving me and the founder of our Sunwalker order… so wonderfully alone. This time, I went right in.
"You're a beautiful woman, Aponi Brightmane."
She stared. Then she… giggled. A little? Was that a smile?
"Aren't you Aponi Brightmane? A woman with the power of the sun in the palm of her hand?"
She shook her head at me, but that smile was still there.
I smiled politely, "Have mercy on me, please. I thought to myself, 'I bet Aponi doesn't get chatted up enough. She works exceptionally hard and she's often very busy. I should do my duty as a male, and as a Sunwalker, to set that right.' "
She still wasn't totally sold. She kind of smirked, "And how is it your duty as a Sunwalker to flirt with me? I'd love to hear what you've come up with for that one."
Sometimes when they get sarcastic, there's a little bit of interest in there. Dare I say, a hunger?
"When was the last time you had a Mulgore strawberry, fresh from the field? And honey just neatly cracked and poured from the honeycomb?"
Let's make it a full-on craving.
She looked aside, for a moment. Checking around to see if this was really the dream it sounded like, I take it? Yes, that's me, emerging from the golden clouds of desire. You swaying on your hooves is not your imagination at all girl. Jump on it!
I'm awful. I was also hoping Auntie Freya had harvested the hives we kept first thing in the morning like she always did. There should be some left, I hoped.
I tried again, "…Why don't we float off together?" then, I grounded it for her, to keep things safe and cozy, "It's all in my back garden. And there's a nice bench to sit on while we cloudgaze."
Aponi opened her mouth to laugh. She took a step toward me, lowered her voice. "But people cloudgaze while lying on the ground, Initiate Turaho. And, it'll be dark soon."
"Now, now, Aponi. We're herd animals, aren't we? We follow one another, we think alike. I go where you go. So don't be afraid." I grinned and offered my elbow. "If you want it, then I want it, too."
Aponi cleared her throat, politely. Then she sort of grabbed me. She reached in and cinched herself tight around my arm. She let me lead her away.
"And… being herd, we Tauren are better together, baby."
She congratulated me on another excellent Tauren pick up line. Of course. Told you I had some great ones.
She warmed right up, "You're sort of a full-grown initiate, too, aren't you?"
"Oh, yes. I'm probably the most mature, sophisticated and skilled Sunwalker initiate you've ever seen."
"I've initiated dozens, trust me." She sounded so disappointed. I didn't think… naw, not that. I doubt she would want to or even need to become romantically interested in the Paladins she presided over at ceremonies. But she probably was seeing a lot of happy young Sunwalkers celebrating afterward, going off with their friends. Never able to join in that.
I smirked, "It's alright if there's a little fantasy in this. I'm only happy to oblige, Aponi. I mean, there's a great fantasy for me on my end, so that's only fair."
She blushed. How cute.
"I'm no… legend."
Don't tell anyone else that being an investigator can help you pick up women. I was able to read her desires right out of her mind, by what she implied, the way she spoke around what she wanted, her body language. And she was no liar.
"You're my heroine." True, in a way. She did inspire all of this, and I was becoming more and more fascinated with her by the moment. She was lovely.
Aponi gushed, then tutted for me to stop.
"Beautiful, so brave. You saved me today."
Now that one's not a lie. Through that… eternal hoop of goodness that is one Paladin trying to save one person and so on, she'd snatched me clear out of the jaws of depression and worse. I did feel moved by that very beautiful long-range vision of hers back in Northrend to save so many of her people… and finally getting me laid.
"Did I really save you? I don't even know you."
"And that's the best part. It what makes you a celebrity."
She became very shy, "Am I? I'm not… Well no, a Blood Elf maybe? Or someone like… Chief Baine. But Tauren don't get to be celebrities?"
"You broke the barrier. Humans, Dwarves and Elves thought they could be the only Paladins. But people with hooves can do it too, clearly."
She burst into bright laughter.
Then, since she brought it up, "And Queen Saturna can't even hold a candle to you—"
"Let's not push it. I did see you walk off with her earlier."
I knew when to shut my mouth.
Aponi sighed, "Turaho. You are a handsome man, you're older than me—which I've always liked. And you're not an idiot. You know how to be discrete as well as delight a woman. At least, you'd better." She stopped me when we finished walking around to the field behind my family's longhouse.
I made a quick glance around… thankfully, nobody was there. And it looked like the garden shed did have a table with a jar set on it, like always. That would be our honey.
Then, Aponi Brightmane said something that made me want to marry her on the spot.
"I was sort of hanging around, a bit, waiting for you strike out with Saturna."
I raised my eyebrows.
"She can't appreciate the best of what our people have to offer, can she? I would have cheated on Kael'thas with you."
I opened my mouth, shocked.
Aponi winked at me, "Blood Elves are pointy, kind of arrogant. I prefer my men horny, and beefy."
"And tenderized?"
"Are you tenderized? I guess we'll find out after a good pounding, won't we?"
I scratched my head, started laughing. She had some pretty good lines, too! But then I couldn't keep it up, "Don't joke. I'm no… Kael'thas. I see what you meant about Saturna. Now you're going to hurt my pride—"
Aponi kissed me. Genuinely.
"I've heard about you before now, you handsome thing." She touched my cheek. "Nice to see all the rumors are true."
"What have you heard?"
"You're not the only celebrity around here, as far as I'm concerned."
Then I was the one who blushed, I'm sure.
"So—I see we're standing in the strawberries. Give me my honey or you don't get any more kisses." She put her hands on her round hips.
I let her order me around, down the letter.
And as I said, I'd be discreet…
But I will say, I've never had so much fun with a girl in a strawberry field before. Not even with Meydiri.
Aponi made me go back on my own while she went to bathe in the lake. I, uh, somehow got a lot of honey in her fur.
Well, well, well… A point for me at last.
I got another drink (not Firewater) and decided to have a seat, you know, eat with my cousin for a bit. He somehow noticed what I did with Aponi—where we went off to at least. He kept asking questions. I didn't tell him a thing. My goofy smile should have made it more than obvious. We laughed hard at other things, he introduced me to his Sunwalker friends. Then, they all wanted to dance with some more girls. I saw Aponi walk back around then, perfectly groomed and dressed, though a little wet. She glanced at me, smiled from across the party, but then resumed what must have been a very difficult conversation to stay serious about, with Chief Baine.
Smart as a whip that one. She knew better than to make a thing of it. I like Aponi.
I got pulled back into the crowd of revelers by my cousin.
"Night's young!"
"I need to sleep now, are you kidding me?"
"That's not how they do it in Silvermoon! Come on, now." Then, Brunho slipped in and danced next to a pair of pretty Tauren girls, beckoned me to join him.
He said, in my ear, "You don't have to stop at just one!"
Shameless. And then he started bragging to the girls that 'my poor cousin Turaho, he has to go away to Silvermoon in the morning and he'll be all alone out there.'
So shameless!
The girl with a blonde hide quickly separated me from my cousin. She must have seen herself as some alpha personality, ditching her girlfriend like that, and making the choice for both of them about who was going to have me. It kind of turned me off.
But then again, we only had one night to sort out 'poor me', didn't we?!
She and I flirted and kissed as we danced. Then, she sneaked me between the row of longhouses at the back of the village, and slammed me up against the a log wall. I let her.
"Wait, what's your name?" I was smiling so hard that it hurt, but I kind of was panicking, too.
"Call me Clover."
"…Uh, why?"
"Because, cutie, you're about to be rolling in it."
Wow.
It's okay, you don't have to believe this. You don't even have to keep reading, if a Tauren man being so debonair and in high demand is against your personal code.
But I love being a Tauren. And I really, really loved being a Tauren that night.
I guess, if you think about it, Sunwalkers must just… have this aura about them. One thing I hadn't considered, I had just enjoyed one of the newest, most impressive military outfits in Azeroth. Tauren. Paladins. It would have sounded like a joke only a few years ago. But we were out there, being noble, taking names and all that. We had some serious respect. And nobody else could make turquoise look so good. Another thing I had missed out on while being so dejected about life—becoming a Sunwalker was going to be very, very good for my image, and my reputation.
I was hot stuff!
Why is the Light so awesome?
Okay, so, after all that, I started to feel embarrassed. In fact, I think people were starting to notice. I had been discreet about Aponi, but that Clover girl seemed more than happy to make sure people noticed she'd snagged me. She got really loud, she started using these nicknames for me eventhough we didn't know each other more than a hot minute. And she kept sending me off to get me and her friends more drinks.
So, on one of my little Firewater excursions, I just didn't go back. I sneaked back to the family longhouse and prayed that there was a quiet corner for me to finally go and fall asleep in.
But then, two weird things happened.
Firstly, I tripped over something short. I thought it was an animal at first, perhaps a dog or a raccoon—even Zoca! But it wasn't my ghost dog come back from the dead to finally be with me. It was green and cussing, and when I looked harder, it was a Goblin in a suit, dusting himself off.
"…Oh. It's you."
"Of course it's me! Who else is it gonna be?!" Supervisor Fitzprocket was bolder than ever. He'd trekked all the way across the Golden Plain. He'd risked his neck by even being outside of the Venture Co. mines in the hills and its adjacent holdings that were patrolled by bruisers and nasty Goblin land mines.
I swayed on my hooves. I was tired and still a little drunk, so I got to the point, fast. "You came by my house because you got intel for me? Go on, spill it."
Then another familiar, even more nasal voice, "Hai, Turaho! Fitzy said he wanted to come over and see if you'd really go through with it. I'm so glad I came with! You looked good up there, really good!"
Bonnie. Huh. So, why were they both outside of the Venture Co. mines, at night, at a party? Together? I wasn't buying the whole thing about them seeing me…
My investigator funny bone sort of kicked in.
"You two are on a date!"
"Shh! Keep it down—"
Bonnie flared at Fitz, "Oh? So now you're DENYING it!"
Well, I had started something, hadn't I? I grinned while they sounded hoarse, shouting at each other when they knew they really couldn't be heard shouting at one another with all these vengeful Tauren about. I ushered them around back. Kinda weird that Aponi and I were just back there but… well… Hey! It's a small village. There are only like four buildings, right?
"Anyway, I did have intel for you, mister Pathfinder." Fitz tugged on my pantsleg and then I knelt down.
"It's mister Sunwalker now."
"Right. Whateva. I did the check… There really weren't no strange orders for Dwarf-sized boxes. Not even a sniff about that sort of thing. Nobody in the Venture Co. nor the black market—I dunno why Bonnie volunteered to make that particular check, but whateva—Not one doity animal we've eva heard of was thinking of taken the old Dwarf. Some talk of a new Winterspring mining operation, but…" Fitz then waggled his hand lazily, like he thought any further exploitation of the wintery wasteland that was Winterspring would be pointless. In both our opinions, because we've discussed this on many late nights, Winterspring was full of Elf ghosts, ice-themed wildlife, and decent ice fishing but not much else. (And an epic bow quest that I refuse to recall at this point because it was so traumatizing way back when—so glad I'm not a hunter anymore!)
"Anyways," Fitz got distracted looking at Bonnie in her little black dress, then kicked the dirt to cover for it, "Turaho, your two leads then are definitely them Elves."
"Yep, and the Twilight Cultists." Too bad I couldn't just ask Meydiri. My ex worked closely with them, for years.
"Huh? Where do those guys come in?" Fitz scratched his chin, "Well, if the cultists involved, it's a shame you can't ask Meydiri."
Speak of the devil.
Fitz rolled his eyes, "It's almost as of someone out there upset Meydiri and she disappeared from all of Mulgore. I haven't seen that sweet girl in months!"
Now was my turn to roll my eyes. By 'sweet', Fitz meant Meydiri had deep pockets and a propensity to spend all of her money getting drunk in his bar. Meydiri was a rare breed—a well-off Pathfinder with a dark streak. She had plenty of money and she liked to waste it in rat holes. Not that Meydiri wasn't sassy and fun. Her allure was what enabled her to get away with it for so long. And it had been what kept me on the hook for so danged long. But Meydiri was always more into the exotic reaches of the world she had to go Pathfind in, less interested in Mulgore. I sensed her time was up career-wise toward the end of our romance, and I was sure she had realized it, too.
What a pair we were. Both of us sick of being Pathfinders. Somewhere in there, I think we hoped to run away together. Get away from everything. Hadn't we?
"Wait. Fitz, you said two. But you only said the Elves were a lead." I didn't miss details like this, usually. "So the Elves make up two whole leads?"
"You know… the uh, Night Elves and the Blood Elves, right? They're both in on this. Ain't they?"
Well I had considered that the Night Elves could be involved, just not in that way. Not as the perpetrators. Well, if Saturna was determined to take me away from Kalimdor first thing in the morning, I'd have no time to look into it. Then again, around the time I was in Ashenvale, dealing with Alessandre's rogue agents, I should have picked up on something. It just didn't seem likely, their network was more occupied with smugglers and getting the Orcs from Orgrimmar out of Azshara.
"Wait, I'm more likely to figure out a Night Elf connection than you—what the heck have you been up to, Fitz?"
Fitz was tight-lipped.
Bonnie went, "Smugglin' Night Elf wood out of Ashenvale."
I gave Fitz a look. "Thanks, Bonnie. Now I know who is probably responsible for me having to go off to Ashenvale in the first place."
Also, I was confused because I thought Bonnie was the smuggler? Or had she convinced Fitz that it was his problem, his thing and not hers? That would save her butt from being fired if it came to it. Actually… had some kind of blackmail led to this Goblin date? Both of them seemed so against each other the last time I was—Ugh! Nevermind! Elves are weird, Goblins are just plain weirder.
Bonnie blew me a kiss, "No problem, sweetie-poo!"
Fitz snatched Bonnie's hand and brought her closer over to his side.
Then Fitz lifted his chin at me, "I put it to you, Turaho—how come all the Tauren in Thunderbluff think the Blood Elves did it, huh?"
"Well, it had occurred to me too, that it was a strange coincidence. Everywhere Saturna and I asked, all the Tauren said they had a druid cousin who was so sure the Blood Elves did it."
"Eh. It's because you Tauren are all the same. Ya got a big blindspot when it comes to 'the land', to nature." Then Fitz grimaced like he was talking about a cockroach infestation. Yep, typical Venture Co. world outlook. Everything that hasn't got a price tag is problematic.
"Look, Turaho. You gotta really ask yourself, where did all this come from? Who started that rumor that it was the Blood Elves and why? It wasn't the Tauren druids, what would they have to gain? There's only one group in Moonglade so embittered, so loyal to Malfurion and his moose-antlered, feather-wearin' cronies that they'd do almost anything to please them. And I ain't talkin' foot massages!"
"What? Are you saying Malfurion himself, the Shan'do, told the Night Elf druids to lie? To lie to all the Tauren druids and spread a Blood Elf rumor throughout Thunderbluff? But why—"
"You sound like you're in the Alliance right now." Fitz pointed his finger in my face again.
"I'm being practical and fair!"
"Nope. You like Malfurion. Admit it!"
Okay so… Malfurion, for the record, is fluffy and kind. It's super hard to hate him, regardless of faction. But anyway!
"Fitz. I won't tell you again. You're way out of line."
"Think it over. Carefully. That's all I'm sayin. Them Night Elves ain't squeaky-clean. Trust me, I know. And you should know betta too!"
Bonnie listened to us talk. She seemed to be on Fitz's side, though she wouldn't say anything.
"Well?" I knew her opinion was on its way. I was tired of her being so polite.
"Turaho, the Night Elves are your enemies." She put it simply.
I couldn't argue against that.
I warned Fitz and Bonnie to be careful if they were going to stay for the party. But I have to tell you, Bonnie and Fitz started another argument while lingering underneath the drinks table later on. And so my old friend Supervisor Fitzsprocket ended up with another hit on him before the night was out.
Morin Cloudstalker was behind it. Again.
He threw back the table cloth as if he was revealing a horrid Royal Apothecary Society experiment, "It disgusts and appalls me how the Venture Co. wants to plunder our lands—and plunder our drinks table! Behold!"
Fitz and Bonnie were in the middle of fighting over a bottle of something. He let her have it, then glanced up. Spooked, and wide-eyed.
Morin bellowed, "Look how the Venture Co. even plans to plunder our precious Paladin party!"
Many Tauren gasped at the sight. And his use of alliteration, I'm sure.
"Heroes! Bring me his clipboard and then we'll see—"
Fitz had heard all this before, "Hold on, hold on, now. I ain't got my clipboard wit' me tonight. This ain't exactly a business call."
Morin still wasn't having it, "Then I'll have his… his fedora! Seize his fancy party hat that makes him so popular with the ladies. End this vile madness!"
"There's only one lady hea!" Bonnie piped up, "The rest are a bunch'a long-legged, flea-bitten judgemental finks!" Fitz growled for Bonnie to cut it out, but she was more pissed than anyone, "…Who are only jealous because they wouldn't look good in a Goblin transmog even if they paid the whole Consortium to fix it! Stop biddin' on my dresses, ya giant freaks!"
What the…? I'm still not sure what Bonnie was talking about to this day. But those two ended up running away across the plains again, this time hand in hand. Morin and half the Tauren women there were in hot pursuit.
And note to self: Never give Bonnie home-made Firewater.
Also, I guess more people would have helped Morin if he offered them more than a crappy [Compact Fighting Knife] or a [Goblin Smasher], whatever that even is. He's not the most famous of us Pathfinders, I'll tell ya that.
Now, for the second thing…
It all seemed fine, at first. I'd escaped my dance partner (Clover ran off with the little herd that wanted Bonnie's head on a transmogged silver platter), I'd had a few fine moments alone with Saturna, and definitely Aponi. (Which still astounded me!) I'd eaten well, joked around with my cousin and even got to party briefly with Fitz at a Tauren shin-dig which was a first for both of us. I'll admit that I liked that old coot. And finally seeing Bonnie and him together was unexpectedly nice. Though I suspect Bonnie had some other secret agenda that I wouldn't be in Mulgore long enough to see the end-game of. And that rogue Alessandre had been chased away.
Finally, I walked out to the moonlit lake, observed the deep, dark sky… I felt serene. I closed my eyes and let the tribal drums meld into my heartbeat. I inhaled the scent of the wet soil, the sour spilled Firewater, the roasting turkey… the soft flit of feathers, the sifting of sawdust underhoof… I was bottling a little of Mulgore to take away with me again, this time, to Silvermoon.
Dreaded Silvermoon.
But a part of me would always, always be here at home in Mulgore. I hoped I could come back sooner than expected. And with Greatfather Winter in tow, of course. And possibly with the Blood Elves still as a healthy part of the Horde, though it felt weird to… well, have the power to undo all of that. Alessandre had given me the power to remove Kael'thas himself if I wanted. And then it would be up to Quel'thalas whether the Blood Elves wanted him or not. The Blood Elves might just stay. They might just shed Kael'thas, or crawl out of him like an old shell, who knew? It might work. In that moment, it didn't seem so treasonous.
"It's not a good deal. Don't take it."
I looked over. I knew the voice, though. You know the party's over when your ex shows up.
"…Hi Mey."
Meydiri put a hand on her hip. She had the markings of a Grimtotem, something I teased her about. But she definitely was not that. The dark looks suited her though. Horns, hooves, hide, all deep black. Actually, she was also a bit red, but you couldn't see it in the night time. Bold sunlight was the only thing that did it. She looked me up and down.
"You think you know everything." I complained. It felt like the same argument we had way back when, like we'd lost no time at all. That was either good or bad, I wasn't sure.
"I know that a Tauren doesn't belong in Eversong. And a Night Elf doesn't belong in Mulgore—"
I flashed her a look. She couldn't possibly know about Alessandre.
"…And that a Bloodknight temptress and a demon-loving fink don't belong on a thousands-of-years old throne first forged in Demon's blood no less, by Dath'remar Sunstrider himself. Now, if you want to talk about real heroes…" She left off.
We looked out at the starry lake together. The stars could have been white fireworks that were stuck, way up there.
"Does a Meydiri belong in Mulgore, for that matter? She's opposed to every inch of this place. She hates the grass, the turkey smoke, all the chieftan's rules."
Meydiri smiled, but she stayed focused on the stars.
"Well, Mey. I thought you might make your way down here-"
"I wasn't invited."
"You've never needed an invitation." I turned to her, unable to hide how I was feeling it, "Have you?"
She kept smiling, but turned and walked away. I followed her. And then we were walking around the lake together.
"I saw the Night Elf when the Paladins attacked him. I couldn't believe a Night Elf rogue was fishing in our lake, broad daylight too. You were never so surprised, I noticed, just angry."
I liked us walking together. I was just enjoying that. Meydiri noticed it and chuckled at me.
"Well, he thinks he can turn me against the Horde."
"Ha! Good thing he spoke to you first and not me."
"Not even you would go that far."
"You're not a friend of Sylvanas are you? Not really?"
"Sylvanas isn't so bad. She's just—"
"A hot Elf woman? Geesh, you're so predictable."
We stopped going around the shore of the lake. She began to lead me uphill. Then, we got to the road. We were leaving Bloodhoof, proper. I took one last glance over my shoulder. I sensed I wouldn't see again for a long while.
Meydiri stopped in the middle of the dark road. "Having second thoughts?"
"…Depends on what you're going to do to me."
We waited, flicking our tails. With interest, or trying to seem idle and not bothered. Not thrilled that we were talking again and there were no problems. Not yet.
"Why are you doing everything that is against your nature, Turaho? That's what I don't understand. I expected you to choke up there in front of Aponi, but you actually did it. You're actually… good."
I leaned on my back hoof.
Then she said, "Am I bad?"
No, she meant to say something else, something more. I let her work around to it. Meydiri kissed me and apologized for how we left things.
I nuzzled her afterward, "So… you came to say goodbye as well? Before I go halfway across the world for Mu'sha knows how long?"
"When I heard, I became so worried about you."
"Worried about me finding some Dwarf in a suit? It's a sham. Don't tell me a naughty girl like you believes in Greatfather Winter."
"No, it's Quel'thalas, it's… Kael'thas is very dangerous. I mean, that's what I've heard. He's who you're really about to go up against. Right? Greatfather Winter is probably locked up in the Sunspire, in the royal treasury for all we know. Safe and sound and silent—along with Kael'thas' other dangerous little toys."
I shrugged. "I won't let anything about this mission get to me. I can't."
"I also wish I… we should have worked together, more." She waited, "What do you think?"
"Baine would have your head if he knew you were involved in this in any way. He's terrified of things going wrong with the Blood Elves."
"So… I'm that kind of Pathfinder." She gripped my harness, then let go. She was sorrowful. Hands still on my chest, but truly miserable, "Has it all finally caught up with me?"
Now, those are some doe eyes. That's a real damsel right there. But the good kind, this time. Meydiri wanted some comforting. Someone to hold and feel good about after a rough patch, after wandering away from Mulgore for so long, and I knew the feeling. And also I guess, well… in the end, I'm a lot of things, bad and good…
But I'm also fluffy.
My hut way up in the hills didn't seem so far away, on that night. As we walked along, I played at leaning down to catch her black, swishing tail in the darkness. And she let me be an ass like that. I didn't have to chase her or try and impress her or use any special lines on her. Meydiri just relaxed in my presence and let herself be mine. Such a sweet, sweet girl.
"Turaho, how can you be sure that Greatfather Winter is in Silvermoon, let alone Quel'thalas?"
"What? Do you mean that he could be in Darnassus or maybe even Ashenvale? I was just there and I don't think that's likely—"
"No, I mean that the old Dwarf could be gallivanting around the world with his magical self, running you guys in circles and having a big ole' laugh while he's at it."
Oh, Meydiri. What a joy you are, demoralizing me like that! And right when there's very little I can even do about it. You knew that, right?!
She gave me one more kiss, but her sentiment didn't match at all. "Well, if you won't take me along Turaho, I might as well ruin it for you."
I laughed and chased her the rest of the way home.
...
Easter Egg!
So, here's the full list of Tauren pickup lines. Just in case you want to use a bonafide pooktales, actually good Tauren pick-up line in-game. Muahaha… Tell them you heard it from me! Modified these a bit:
1. Tauren-Tauren: "We're herd animals, aren't we? So don't be afraid, baby. If you want it, then I want it too."
2. Tauren-Tauren: "We're herd animals. Tauren are better together, baby."
3. Anyone-Tauren: "Call me Clover." Why? "Because, baby, you're about to be rolling in it!"
4. Anyone-Tauren: "Blood Elves are pointy, kind of small. I prefer my men horny, and beefy."
5. Anyone-Tauren: "Are you tenderized? Why don't we find out together, after a good pounding?"
6. "You're a beautiful woman, Aponi Brightmane." I'm not Aponi! "Sorry, but you do look like a woman with the power of the sun, in the palm of her hands."
…And that one doubles as a Spiderman reference. Enjoy!
