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CHAPTER 9:
THE HOLLOW OF A FRIGID BLIZZARD
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Ed looked up at a silently spinning fan, the inside of the back of a light tan couch just to his right.
He didn't know how many seconds later it was that all of it came back to him.
His vision blurred with hotness and swam with wetness; and everything ached everywhere on the surface of his body, and everywhere inside all of his sinews and muscles and bones and all of what his self and being weren't and could not have been and may perhaps be and was.
"I should have tried harder to stop him."
"I'm sure, whatever happens, you'll find your way out. You've got strong legs. You'll get up and use them, won't you, Edward?"
"Ed! Get up, Ed! Get up, Ed, and move forward!"
The wet heat vanished, he could see the fan spinning clearly now, and all of it was just a muted, distant ache and numbness.
And an exhausted lack of anything inside his nowhere and forever existing being that wanted nothing more than to sink as though there wasn't even the absence of strength inside him empty of even being boneless into a cold but firmly assuring hand, and warm gentle reassuring arms around him with a chin tucked against his hair and a body against his back.
He could still feel the familiar weight of two older model pieces of automail; but this time, nothing more than distant terror rushed through him.
It didn't matter.
Not any more.
"Even when you close your eyes, there's a whole world out there… outside of ourselves and our dreams."
It doesn't matter who you are. If you work hard, it pays off. I know Equivalent Exchange is true. And I don't care if it's childish to believe in its precepts. I'd rather be considered a child than live in a world of cynicism, chaos, or apathy. I'm sorry. I thought I didn't care about it, but I did need to believe in something… all this time.
"Maybe what Dante said was right. Maybe you can give up all you've got, and get nothing back. But still, even if I can't prove it's true, I have to try. For your sake, Al."
Not when this was how capable he was of moving forward.
Not when this was all his determination to live as a child who believed in the world outside of his dreams led to.
It didn't matter how much he wanted the automail off.
It didn't matter how much even feeling the painless tug of the weight of his arm and leg sent frigid molten lava ice through all of his soul and form and about him and around him.
It didn't matter how much he wanted Alphonse Elric and Winry Rockbell to let him go.
If he'd had any justification left to ask for the barest tattered string of comfort or pain now, he'd forced this Rose to pay a singularity of immeasurably the price that caused him to be worthy of either.
A cold hand and fingers squeezed his hand once again.
Warm lips pressed against the top of his hair once more.
"But we are still here for you."
"And I do still love you as much as him, even though it's in different ways."
"I love you as much as him, as well; even though the ways are different on my part, too."
A faint, distant ache throbbed somewhere distantly far inside him.
But the ache had no point or meaning.
And Alphonse Elric and Winry Rockbell weren't holding him, or giving him love and a home and a hearth and warmth, anyway.
Nor had they, for however long he'd been unconscious; for a little of the time he'd been unaware, a good amount of the time he'd been unaware, the majority of the time he'd been unconscious, or the whole time.
They were holding, and giving love and a hearth and warmth and home; to the Ed who might still be aware inside Edward's soul; who, if he'd been awake when Envy had ruined this Rose and erased clear this Reole, was very likely bound everlastingly fathomlessly more by horror and despair and ruin and terror than Ed was.
That also meant Edward couldn't ask either of them to let him go.
He wouldn't have if he could, however.
He didn't deserve the cold remorselessness of an unforgiving reality any more than he deserved the warmth of a hand clasp or embrace.
"Never mind what I said about the automail," Ed said, and his tone didn't even lack emptiness, presence, or the abyssal chasm of its horizon.
Al
his name was Al, and the girl holding him was Winry
Ed had no justification not to use their names
squeezed Edward's hand.
All Ed truly felt, other than its movements; were shifts in its coldness and strength.
"I have two forces of Homunculi I need to defeat now."
"We need to defeat two forces of Homunculi," Al spoke in a voice that said this wasn't up for debate.
"The surviving medical practitioners at Reole who are treating Rose assured us she's stable, even though she lost a lot of blood and needed a number of transfusions; and she'll remain that way."
What did that matter when she'd never be able to have a single child who could be stable?
Or walk on stable and strong legs once more for the rest of her life?
Or hold a member of her family, a love, or a friend close and secure in strong arms for the rest of her life?
Or even move any part of her body below her neck with weakness or strength, for as long as she remained alive?
"And you're not holding us up in dealing with the two factions of Homunculi.
"All six of us are staying at the house of two doctors in North City Lin paid to not tell anyone we're here.
"Doctor Marcoh left for the Amestrian North as soon as he woke up without alerting anyone he'd awoken, or telling anyone why. We assume there must be a reason that is vital to your Envy's goals, or the goals of the Homunculi here. So we're looking for him."
Did that mean that the actual circle these Homunculi intended to inscribe, or were inscribing, was in the North of this Amestris?
And the riots they'd incited in Reole was an early step in etching it, or activating it, here?
Al's voice broke into fissures.
"It's been around two thirds of a day since the last time you woke up, and it's been almost an entire twenty-four hours since you fell unconscious.
"Both of us have been holding you all of the time we could spare to do so since then."
Ed knew without any doubt why Al's voice had just broke, and who he was truly terrified with all his self and soul and being and brain and body and mind for.
Edward had now murdered two Eds.
And, for all he knew, he had murdered the third one just as indelibly.
Winry's arms tightened around him and pulled him back nearer against her and farther up under her chin.
All Ed genuinely felt, other than her movements, and the movements of his own body; were shifts in her gentleness and closeness.
"I want you to promise me something, Ed," Winry's voice was flooded with contained terror and concern and worry and horror; but there were no traces of her holding back tears, or currently crying, in her voice.
"If you do decide to ask me to do it, I'll remove your automail if you can convince me you won't do anything reckless without it.
"But if you're going to refuse to even let your pain out as anger now; I want you to promise me you'll cry when, as far as we know, there aren't any Homunculi left on any side of the Gate to hurt any Eds or Als or Grannys or anyone else, and you see your Al and Winry and Granny once again.
"And that they'll be tears of joy."
It doesn't matter who you are. If you work hard, it pays off. I know Equivalent Exchange is true. And I don't care if it's childish to believe in its precepts. I'd rather be considered a child than live in a world of cynicism, chaos, or apathy. I'm sorry. I thought I didn't care about it, but I did need to believe in something… all this time.
"Maybe what Dante said was right. Maybe you can give up all you've got, and get nothing back. But still, even if I can't prove it's true, I have to try. For your sake, Al."
Ed knew where a road that believed in nothing led.
So he wasn't going to take back his determination to believe in Equivalent Exchange; as a promise, and not as the Truth of reality and the cosmos and the world and alchemy.
But, outside of how people needed to believe in something in order for their lives to have meaning; did promises have any merit at all when he couldn't keep them?
Even so, if this Resembool's Ed was awake inside his soul, he needed to know this Resembool's Al and Winry had at least a reason to feel a little better.
And by now, Ed had enough evidence that the Al and Winry of this Resembool, however different and more selfish the beliefs of the Eds and Als in the two antiparticle worlds were; they were just as loving and responsible and considerate and protective as his brother, and the Winry from his Resembool.
"Ed, you're letting your own past mistakes cloud your judgment now!
"You're talking as though every single dream does nothing but hurt people and kill them, for no other reason than because he or she has one, or more, of them! That means that it's wrong for this Winry to dream of building better automail for this variation of you, even though better automail will enable big brother to not just stand on stronger legs to protect me from hardship, but the people of this Amestris from the Homunculi and the President, too; or for me to dream of not letting anyone else die because I don't want to see it happen any longer!
"You're going too far by saying things like comparing this person to Cornello!"
Ed suppressed the urge to cringe.
This Resembool's Al, and this Resembool's Winry, needed as much love as he could attempt to give them; every amount as much as the Al who was his brother, and the Winry he'd grown up with, did.
So there was just one answer he could give this Winry.
"I promise you I'll think about it," he responded.
To his surprise, there was a slight amount of sincere determination in his words.
"How are you two?" he queried.
"That's between Winry and I, at least for now," Al responded, but there was nothing guarding how he was feeling and thinking from Ed in his voice, and his words were just regular and neutral.
"That's how I feel," Winry spoke herself, and her own words also possessed no defensiveness and were just neutral.
Edward did need to suppress a flood of real, strong self hatred and terror and concern and worry.
But it wasn't his place to inquire, or he'd be prying.
Additionally, if he had had any genuine doubts before, what he'd just done in Reole had wiped them clear of even transparency.
He tugged his hand inside Al's to let this Resembool's Al know he wanted him, and Winry, to let him go now.
Al released Ed's hand, and Ed was surprised to discover a small flood of genuinely present agony seared through him at the absence of the coldness and presence of his hand and fingers.
But Ed pushed it away, and he pushed himself up into a sitting position.
A second small flood of truly present anguish seared through him at the absence of the warmth and closeness of Winry's arms and body and chin.
Ed pushed this away, as well, however, and he turned so he was facing Al; who was now finishing standing up.
Winry shifted into a sitting position at his side, too many shapes of concern and worry and horror and terror in her eyes and face for any of them to be identified.
"I need to get this out of the way at the outset," Ed informed both of them.
"I don't know if the pathways of energy on this world let anyone who is dead be resurrected if that person's soul hasn't left the Gate, but it requires a full Stone to be used up."
Al shifted.
Winry's face became nothing but a mask for several seconds, before it returned to its previous combination of feelings and thoughts.
"Secondly, I'll assist you in neutralizing any Homunculus I'm aware of from any side of the Gate who is chasing the Stone or human transmutation."
For all the good that would do when who knew how many Homunculi were spread all over all three worlds that could harness alchemy who were willing to pursue one, or both.
If Al hadn't already told her; this wasn't the time for Ed to inform Winry of all the details Edward knew about what Homunculi were, and what depths their unusual upbringings could drive them to plummet to in ill founded efforts to stand on their own legs that would just cause them to cripple their legs even farther if they succeeded.
"But I am not going to involve myself in your own journey to regain your own original bodies."
Al shifted farther.
Winry's face became a case study of neutrality.
"Why not?" she questioned.
"I understand you have your issues with dreams, but they're not just their own dreams, or even mine in addition to the Ed and Al here.
"Or even Granny's.
"The Ed and Al here have a lot of friends who want to see them get their bodies back; so they can cry their own tears of joy, or, failing that, smile.
"You're clearly as much of a prodigy as this Amestris' Fullmetal Alchemist.
"Both the Ed and Al here need you."
Ed's insides knotted a little.
However, he had no problems keeping his voice steady, and it wasn't because of how numb he felt.
"I'll leave dreams out of the reasons I won't do this; but that isn't the sole reason I'm refusing to assist you in what I still see as a reckless and ill advised quest.
"First of all, if you don't get your bodies back; yes, you, Winry, and others, won't be able to cry tears of joy.
"But if you keep attempting to regain your old bodies, and you don't entirely move forward and accept your new ones, you're going to end up causing those tears.
"Particularly if you rely on strength as a means of getting your bodies back, Al; by yourself, if it's just you who wants to become stronger, or your brother, if he sees might as a means of achieving his goals himself."
Al's voice was a case study of neutrality in its own ways now.
"That means it's okay even for people who cried because they chose to support us in our hardships out of their own choices, because they had their own adversities to surmount alongside us, to have shed those tears and gotten nothing back for what they exchanged.
"In addition, big brother is more interested in continually improving his strength to find a solution to our problems than I am; but if I don't keep strengthening my heart and soul and body to any degree, I won't be able to improve my capacity to protect people from the pain that has caused a lot of people I know to feel like crying, and I won't be able to move forward and I'll be stuck just running away from hardship."
Ed's insides shifted.
He wanted to ask Al, and Winry; who they knew who had hurt or died, why Al wanted so much to keep it from happening to anyone else, and whether or not a Nina or Hughes was among them.
But that was none of his business, unless this Al or Winry chose to tell him himself or herself, or he got to know them a lot better.
Ed also wanted to reply that there was no guarantee that the people who cried, whether they assisted you because they wanted to be involved in pursuit of their own goals or not, would get back what they anticipated after shedding all that blood and all those tears; and that they wouldn't end up getting something back they hadn't anticipated that, while the pain they went through had given them a reward as long as they believed there was hope to be found, it still wasn't worth the price that had been paid for it.
However, how Al had reacted in Reole had confirmed he hadn't yet learned the Truth and the Law of Equivalent Exchange were promises, not strictures.
And, however Al and Winry felt, Ed knew it couldn't be anywhere close to good enough for Edward to turn the foundations of Al's whole life on their head at this time.
"Did he live this way, too? Stealing bodies, creating wars? For what purpose?"
"Because we were worth it."
Hope in what?
Yourself, and your own Truth?
How does that make you any different from Dante?
After what he'd just done to a second Rose, and in Reole, Ed couldn't think of an answer.
But if he refused to believe he couldn't find one of his own, he'd be Dante without any question.
No matter what sins he committed, he could not give up, and stop moving forward.
So Edward attempted to defend his choice a different way.
"Power and protection are diametrically opposed, not an Equivalent Exchange of hardship that causes joy," Ed replied.
"I've felt weak and helpless when people I care about are hurting more times than I can think of easily; and each time I wished myself that I could gain more power afterwards so it wouldn't happen any longer, to anyone else I care about. I didn't want to continue to increase my might, like you and the Al here do; but I did believe staying strong on my own legs and moving forward was the sole way I could take care of my brother, and the Winry and Granny who I knew, and other people I care about.
"You have no idea how wrong I was.
"What I discovered was that, while a firm heart and a potent body or armament can keep the people we want to protect from dying or being hurt, it's the people who attack them who pay the Equivalent Exchange, not us. It didn't matter whether I combated others out of a sincere conviction or uncertain misgivings; or I believed in indifference or exploitation or intolerance or hate, or cooperation or understanding or freedom or defense."
Too many things that caused Ed's insides to shift further, in sick terror, passed over Winry's face at those words; all of which reminded him of what he'd seen on her face in Reole.
He needed to think of a way to inquire about this without prying; because those expressions, and how much they reminded Ed of Marta and Scar; frightened Edward in ways far different than anything else he disagreed with the Al and Winry, and perhaps the Ed, of this world, about.
But Ed would worry about that when he did think of a way to find out why Winry was reminding him of Marta and Scar.
"I still believed in my values so much that I was willing to shoot or stab people to maintain them; merely because I was so conceited I thought I had all the right answers for how to create a better state or reality, and anyone who refused to accept my answers was mistaken," Ed went on, his voice still steady.
"I can't avoid wielding power when it's necessary to do it; because I'm aware in my own ways how unrelenting reality is. But power is a means, not an end to believe in.
"All believing power could shield people from tears of pain led me to do was to cause people to cry tears of torment themselves."
Al shifted a slight amount more in what Ed could tell was far more discomfort now.
Also because Edward knew Al wanted to bring up what Ed had said about the Truth and the Law of Equivalent Exchange in Reole himself, but he knew this was as bad a time to talk about that with the Edward who wasn't his brother as Edward knew it was to discuss this with the Al from this side of the Gate.
"Can you be sure you're not misplacing moving forward, and seeing it as walking on strong legs when you're actually just running away from pain?" Al questioned.
"You could just be looking away from the full extent of how much pain lies within the Truth, so you don't believe power is necessary to surmount all the hardships present within it.
"Big brother and I burned our house down when big brother enlisted because we believed that would remind us not to turn back and stop moving forward, but we were just attempting to hide from the pain of our own failed human transmutation."
True new terror and pitch opal self hatred caused much of Edward's insides to rise up within him and warp so violently he didn't understand why he could still breathe.
What Al had just said didn't convince Ed he was wrong to refuse to believe in the might of the soul, or the body or other weapons; but while Ed couldn't speak for his brother, he himself had never once even considered they might have done it to run away from the nightmare of the human transmutation they'd failed at when they'd burnt their house.
Unlike with this Al and Ed, they hadn't just burnt their house to remind themselves not to look back.
It had also been to keep anyone from following in their footsteps, as they had Dad's, and losing any of their bodies and minds to human transmutation the way they had.
But that didn't mean he himself, and his brother, hadn't been running away from the pain of what they'd done in ways different than by refusing to acknowledge what Sloth was.
If Edward had been aware of this; would he have identified Sloth, perhaps even as a Homunculus, as soon as he'd met her?
Would he have ensured Cornello had no means of recovering from when Ed had exposed him before he'd left Lior?
And was Ed still running away from the full extent of the death and pain and despair and torment present within reality, even now?
Was that why Ed didn't understand why Homunculi who had even strung up all of High Command hadn't set up Reole to be sacked with a lot more ease than the State military had ravaged Lior; and they'd left the citizens of the town relatively less disenfranchised and discontent with their lives after the violence and adversity ended than they'd been in the Amestris on his side of the Gate, as their means of transmuting a Philosopher's Stone from tens of thousands of souls, or more?
Ed needed to figure out whether his brother had been running away from any truth far more than they'd believed, and whether he still was, as soon as possible.
Before he caused a third Rose and Lior, or Rose and Reole.
And before he forced this Al, and this Winry, and this Ed, to learn the lesson they'd been lucky enough not to because this High Command hadn't oppressed Reole as brutally as the High Command he knew had oppressed Lior.
"It wasn't until we become stronger in heart and soul that we were willing to entirely confront that pain; and that showed big brother vital tenets to our theories about how to regain our bodies that had been right in front of us the entire time, but we'd just been overlooking," Al was continuing.
"How can you be sure you're in a position to say that being true to what you feel with the might of your heart, and believe with the power of your soul; will just cause people to cry tears of pain?"
Ed couldn't answer that without bringing up why the Truth as Al saw it wasn't all constraining, so he shifted gears once more.
"Even so, whether it's through power or not; that doesn't mean I should require people such as the Mustang and Hawkeye here, or Lin and Lan Fan and Foo, to cry by adding to their hardships," Ed spoke now.
"If the five of them want to work together with us so they can move forward, I'll carry their hardships and do my part for them; but I refuse to add my own adversity to theirs and force them to shed even more blood and tears than they already are, and nor will I add yours."
"So then Lin and Lan Fan and Foo should be denied the chance to carry yours, and this Ed's and Al's, hardships in return; when they're not just willing to, but they actually want to?" it was Winry who questioned this time, her tone understanding without any challenge even though she was still asking the question.
"Lin and Lan Fan and Foo are assisting the Ed and Al here, because it's the hardships this Ed and Al are endeavoring to surmount that is enabling the Ed and Al from here to carry their adversity in return.
"If you tell them not to shoulder your struggles while all you do is shoulder theirs, then they'll never be able to see anything but the backs you're carrying them on until they break; and they won't be able to move forward to the sights of your smiles and tears of joy.
"And if the Ed and Al here don't gain any happiness themselves; even if the rest of us surmount the hurdles we want to leap, our own personal triumphs won't mean that much when the people we care about are still in a lot of pain."
Something else sick and contorted serrated distorted everything within him, even through the numbness.
That was another very good point.
He hadn't just hurt the Al and Winry and Granny he'd grown up with by separating himself from them on another side of the Gate, nor would he just hurt them irrecoverably if he couldn't make it back, nor would he have if he had died or become permanently imprisoned in the Gate as he'd believed he would.
He'd crippled them by making it far harder for Al and Winry and Granny to finish walking forward on their own strong legs themselves.
Should he just use a Stone on this side of the Gate to return home?
Particularly as finished Stones weren't reconstructed from as many souls on this side?
But Edward knew the answer.
People couldn't move forward at all if he closed his eyes to their tears.
Even more importantly, involving people in cleaning up his own mess when they wanted to assist him in cleaning it up was a far cry from involving people in cleaning up that mess when they didn't.
"Then if Lin and Lan Fan and Foo are bothered because I'm keeping them at arm's length, I'll let them be part of my life and apply what research I know that can assist them in theirs without adding to their burdens," Ed responded.
There was no reason to bring up how much he extremely highly doubted he could assist them at all, as they were chasing the Stone.
"But pain can't be avoided either way, so I'm not going to inflict it.
"If I keep moving forward and keep my eyes off my own hardships, there's a lot less of a chance I'm going to cause people to grimace rather than smile than if I let them share those hardships.
"It's my responsibility whether other people see my back or me smiling.
"Not the responsibility of the Al here, or you.
"If you want to involve other people in your struggles if they're okay with it, that's your decision. But I'm not going to force anyone else to assume the responsibility for my own adversity. If I make a mess, I'm the person who needs to clean it up.
"Above all, I'm not going to create messes for people to clean up when they don't want to clean it up."
Al shifted about as much as he had the last time in new discomfort.
Winry's face flickered through a multitude of slight expressions.
Ed attempted to focus on the bare traces of lightness inside him at the knowledge of how this Al, at least; and perhaps this Ed, if he was aware inside his own body; hadn't learned that lesson the same way his brother, and he, had.
If the people of Reole hadn't been grateful for what the Edward and Al here had done for them, and they'd hated the Ed and Al here as most of the people of Lior did Al and him, this Al would have learned that lesson in the same anything and anywhere debilitating way his brother and he had.
Ed had no idea how to teach this Al that lesson before he did learn it a similar way; and perhaps the Winry from this Resembool, and maybe the Edward from this Resembool, as well.
But he needed to think of one, soon.
Before the Envy he knew, or the Homunculi here, or one or more other people; taught one, or more of them, that lesson in a far more remorseless and relentless and brutal and ruthless way.
"I'll keep that in mind," Al responded; his voice mostly still neutral, and what wasn't neutral was indecipherable.
"In that case, while I can't say I agree with you; I'm okay with you not assisting either of us in regaining our bodies."
Winry's face shifted slightly, but she nodded neutrally.
Edward suppressed the urge to cringe violently.
But, whether he was still running away from any Truth or not; there was something just as important at stake, and in innumerable ways, far more so.
These other three worlds weren't just dreams, and he couldn't close his eyes to their death and pain any more than he'd been able to close his eyes to the death and pain in his own Amestris.
But if the Al and Winry here were willing to do the same things the Ed of the second antiparticle Amestris were; if Ed remained with them any longer, now that he knew this Winry hadn't been taken captive; he'd be seeing this whole world as just a dream.
Ed pushed whatever he was capable of feeling through his numbness as far away as possible.
Because this was one of the very last truths that Al; and the Ed inside him, if he was aware; and Winry, needed to confront at the best of periods, and this was as far from the best of instances as most times could be.
"Then there's something I've been meaning to ask you," Ed was surprised his voice was steady this time.
"I met a third Ed and Al, and other Homunculi, when I delayed the Homunculi from here on the other side of the Gate," Ed informed them.
Al's eyes of white and crimson became wide in a mixture of horror and terror and agony and empathy and concern and sympathy; but no shock or surprise, and just dismay and resignation.
Winry pressed her lips together very tightly and swept all of her feelings off of her face, very likely to ensure she didn't cry.
"And now I do need to bring up my problems with dreams.
"The Homunculi there had successfully taken the Winry there hostage, and the Ed and Al there were willing to close their eyes to the world outside of themselves and sacrifice who knew how many people within the rest of Amestris to a Cselkcess style Stone to defend her against them carrying their blackmail through."
Al staggered back violently as though he'd been struck.
Winry's mouth dropped open in drawn horror, and she collapsed boneless back against the couch pillows behind her.
For several seconds, Ed believed he was about to retch violently.
But then the sensation passed.
He clenched his teeth together, but this time, he couldn't keep his voice from cracking.
"I need an honest answer," he pressed on.
"If the Envy I know, or the Homunculi here, or anyone else; successfully acquires Winry as a bargaining chip; are you willing to close your eyes to the dreams of the rest of Amestris just to selfishly protect hers?"
"I'll never let Al, or the Ed from here, be faced with that choice," Winry spoke with a contained but entirely unrestrained concentrated and set determination and resolve he'd never heard in the Winry he'd grown up with.
A true amount of genuine lightness filled Ed, enough to cause a decent minority of the numbness to recede and the aching everywhere upon him and within him to succeed.
"But what happens if you fail?" Edward questioned.
"I don't know if the lighter weighty hand the national military slapped Reole down with here is typical of how they treat the rest of this Amestris or not, with the possible exception of at locations such as Ishbal."
Had Dad's Homunculus actually pulled strings in this Amestris' government for much of the time he'd been alive; or had he just grasped its reins once he needed it, and before that entirely or mostly left it be, and not tasked any of his agents with infiltrating it, as Dante had?
If it was the former, was he the actual reason the people of this Amestris believed in bloodshed and revenge as much as they did?
But, if this was true, why had the Homunculi from this side of the Gate not applied the kinds of brutal suppression Dante had with her Homunculi; and thus forged easily resupplied Stone after Stone in war after war over the centuries Amestris had existed?
Was it just a matter of the difference in how the pathways of alchemic energy cascaded on this side of the Gate?
Or was that evidence that; for all their own flaws and willingness to etch indelible sins with the blood of others, and themselves; Homunculi who did have confidence in who and what they were, even though they had too much of it rather than too little, had at least a minority of more scruples, at least in particular ways, than Homunculi such as the Envy Dad had created, who had little to no confidence in themselves?
As additional evidence of this; Dad's Envy, who believed in nothing at all, had mass murdered as many of the people of the town this Amestris' Marcoh had hidden in as he could when Marcoh had refused to cooperate with him.
The Homunculi here, who at least appeared to maintain to believe in the Truth in its most remorseless, pragmatic ways; had just threatened to do it if this Marcoh didn't cooperate with them.
Similar Homunculi on the last side of the Gate, who very likely believed in the Truth similar to how the Homunculi here did; had just threatened to murder, or badly wound, Winry, if the Ed and Al on their side of the Gate had refused to cooperate with them.
The Homunculi on his side of the Gate had held Al hostage to attempt to blackmail him into transmuting the Stone, due to how important a person his brother was to Ed, and Envy had impersonated Winry while Sloth had acted as though she was Mom; but, from what Winry and Sciezka had implied, he was reasonably sure they'd had at least one chance to take the Winry he knew hostage and had just chosen to attempt to murder her, and they'd cut down the Slicer brother they could have held hostage as additional blackmail when he very likely hadn't been an information risk.
But Ed suppressed the rush of hope this meant there was at least a small chance he could end the conflict this Al, and this Winry, and this Granny, and this Rose, and this Mustang, and this Hawkeye, and this Ed, were having with the Homunculi here; even though all of his attempts to do so with Dante's Homunculi had made things far worse, for both artificial humans and natural ones, or just gotten the Homunculus murdered.
As Ed had just brought up to this Al and Winry, power and war were a means of getting your hands dirty, not a belief in kindness that could protect anyone in their own ways.
Unless one or more of the Homunculi, or natural humans affiliated with them, exposed themselves on their own; as Dante and the other Homunculi had with Wrath, and he was reasonably sure they had with Gluttony even after what Dante had done to his mind; all Ed could do to keep these Homunculi from crippling their legs far more than they already were was to ensure they could no longer stand up on them at all.
"Whether I myself am running away; there are truths about precisely what humans, Homunculus or natural, are willing to orchestrate, or bring about with their own hands and legs, you may not be aware of.
"I need an answer to this."
Al said nothing.
Neither did Winry.
But the ways their eyes were looking at each other; and at him, while seeing his body more than who was talking to them, told Edward all he needed to know.
"I'm sorry. I just… can't."
"I don't need your help!"
"Maybe not, but your younger brother needs you."
This time, however; there was no Scar to protect an Al, or Winry, when Ed had no power or promise capable of doing so himself, or at least not without causing other people to die in torment and bawl in despair.
But at least Ed might not need to discount the possibility he'd be able to keep things from ending with this Scar as they had the one he'd abandoned to the Stone.
"In that case, I believe it's best if we don't step on one another's toes," Ed said.
He didn't know why he was no longer even trying to keep his voice from cracking.
Al began shaking so violently it appeared as though his legs would fall to shreds, and he'd crash onto his waist.
Winry's face became so transparent it was practically opaque.
There was no point putting it off.
And the longer it delayed, the worse it would be for them both.
There was no violent wrench of searing and shrieking frigid frozen molten despair and longing gouging him and clearing him washed anywhere about everywhen and never about the infinite singularity that was himmightn'tperhapsnot.
He stood up.
His flesh and bone leg wasn't shuddering.
It couldn't be.
He'd made a promise; to Al and Winry and Rose, and all the Als and Winrys and Roses of every side of the Gate.
And he'd just been reminded in the most blinding way possible of how essential it was he keep it.
His dreams meant unendingly less than even the labyrinthine switchback of the photonegative of the event horizon between nil and anything.
Al reached out his shaking right arm and hand.
Winry's right hand flexed spasmodically, as though she was torn between wishing she was holding a wrench and wanting to gouge all the skin and all the layers of muscle and flesh beneath it off with the nails of all of her fingers.
"At least talk to us about how you're taking what the Envy from your side of the Portal did!" Al cried, his voice a contained morass of horror and terror and self hatred and despair.
"I can't even afford to blink now," Ed responded.
He didn't attempt to keep his voice steady this time.
But it wasn't cracking at all, and it was steadier than he could recall it being at any time in his life.
Before Al or Winry could say anything back, he walked to the door to the room; and then he opened it and walked out without taking the time to close it behind him.
.
"Just doing what I swore an oath to the Emperor to do. To serve the dark side. Oaths matter, Luke. They're all you're left with in the end."-Shira Brie/Darth Lumiya
STAR WARS:
LEGACY OF THE FORCE: Book Five:
SACRIFICE
