Sorry for the delay. I got so engrossed in reading fics on what Harry's life would have been like if Sirius stuck around at the end of Harry's third year instead of leaving the country, and if I wasn't planning to keep to the basis of canon, I'd do it, but sadly, when I planned this whole fic, I knew that even with all the changes I'm making in regards to Harry's health, certain things will still happen. Like the brief says, they'll still go on the Horcrux hunt, so I'm not changing it that much, but I'm making the characters how I'd have liked to have seen them grow.
Just so you're aware, this chapter has a trigger warning for a panic attack. If you feel you cannot read this, then I thank you, but this story won't be the right one for you as I will be addressing the mental health of all my characters.
Harry had never felt the love of another; he'd seen people be in love. Like Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, they wouldn't be together if they didn't love each other. They both loved their son; everyone knows that, but they didn't love the freak. Here at Hogwarts, Harry got his first taste of the love between friends. He, Neville, and Hermione were friends, and he knew he loved them like he should a friend, at least what he saw on TV when he was looking through the cracks of his cupboard. He would stand up for them the way friends do on TV; they helped each other the way friends do on TV; they helped Neville in return for him helping them the way friends do on TV. But Harry doesn't know what it's like to feel the love of a parent, and he has nothing but his cousin and his parents to compare how he feels when he sees Professor McGonagall stop herself from hugging him because he stepped back. He doesn't know what it's like to be hugged by someone; in fact, Harry can't remember the last time someone held him without hurting him. Maybe it was his mum and dad, but really, he can't remember. Harry doesn't know what this feeling in his chest is, but he does know he wants to run away and hide. They know everything. Justin has seen his scars, and surely, he's embarrassed to be associated with him now. The healers and the professor are disgusted with him; he can tell; it's what they did at primary school. They looked exactly the same way the school nurse did or even the school counsellor did when Harry told her what his home life was like, but they didn't do anything about it, so that must mean they were disgusted with him and approved of him being hurt.
He was expecting to be sent back to his room to collect his things, because why would they want a freak like him at their school? He was a freak, just like Uncle Vernon said, and the school had now found out. He'd thought that what his uncle called freakish behaviour was just his magic, but now he's starting to think that maybe it was just him; he's the freak.
What he didn't expect was to hear Madame Pomfrey crying while reading his scan results. The anger was what he expected, but for someone to cry, well, that was unusual. Is she crying at how his freakishness has shown on his scan? Can they assess freakishness? Harry wants to hide away where no one can find him, but his cupboard is all the way back in Surrey, and he isn't even sure where he is. Do they have a cupboard for him here? Sure, they've given him a bed, but now they know the truth. He feels his breathing picking up, and his heart feels like it's going to come out of his chest; it's beating that fast. His arms feel all tingly, and he just really wants to hide. Hide from Justin, who was there the day he was born; hide from Madame Pomfrey, whom he's made cry; and especially hide from Professor McGonagall, whom he's made angry. One of the three adults' steps towards him, and he knows he flinches, and as much as he's tried to train himself not to, right now he can't help it. The bed has a sheet over it, which he can use as a cover as he climbs under the bed. He wants to hide, so he does. He tries to calm his breathing, as that gives him away; if he can silence them, then he can't be found. And if he can't be found, then he can't be hurt.
Minerva is still rooted to the spot, and Poppy realises she's made the situation worse by crying when looking at his results, so Justin steps forward to help Harry. He contemplates just crouching down, but then rethinks it and actually sits on the floor, knowing he could be there, while convincing Harry that it's safe for him to come out of his hiding spot. He doesn't do anything without first voicing it, realising that Harry is in an extremely vulnerable mental state and that just one thing taking him by surprise could cause him to lose the little control of his magic he currently has. Even without knowing Harry for all those years, he can just tell he would be devastated if he injured someone when his magic tries to protect him. He's just like his mum in that way. He tells him that he's going to lift the sheets; he definitely wasn't prepared to see Harry tucked into himself, shaking through his tears. He knows that Harry's growth has been stunted, but in this moment, he doesn't look like the 11-year-old boy he is he looks like a very young boy, 6 at the most. Justin just wants to hold him close to himself and protect him from everything, and while he will give Harry a hug, he cannot do it while he's under the medical bed. He uses a calming voice to coach Harry to root himself back into the room and to recognise that no one here is trying to harm him. He eventually coaches Harry into facing the room again, and the second he leaves his hiding spot, Justin pulls him into himself and gives him the hug that he'd already warned him about. He feels Harry tense against him, and his fears are confirmed by the fact that Harry cannot remember anyone ever touching him in a positive way. Justin sits on the bed with Harry held against him but turns to face the two women. He tells Poppy that Harry will be started on a nutrient potion, and that will be the only thing given to him until Christmas break, where he will then spend the 20th to the 24th at St. Mungos, where he will be placed in a medical coma to address his other problems. He recommends to her that if Harry ends up in the infirmary before then, she should get him so that Justin is aware of everything about Harry's care. She asks about his vaccines, and he says that Harry will be fine without them until Christmas, when Justin will be correcting everything. He tells Harry that as long as everything goes well, he will be waking up on Christmas day here at Hogwarts. He tells Harry that on December 20th, when classes are finished, he is to come to the infirmary, where Justin will be waiting for him. He assures Harry that he won't be left alone for the whole four days; he will be asleep and that he might have to get new clothes as the nutrient potions should help him grow taller and put on weight. He says that Professor McGonagall will be getting the elves to put them with each meal alongside stomach soothers, and that means he cannot be skipping meals.
Justin can tell Harry wants to argue, but Harry can see just how seriously Justin is taking his job and thinks it's better to not argue back. Justin explains that he'll get a hold of his old school nurse just to see her records, but that it's okay because he cannot tell anyone about the contents of them; it's just to fill in some gaps, like which vaccinations he had, as Harry can remember having them. Justin explains that he does have to tell two people about the results of his scan today, as he explained before he took the scan. He has to tell an auror, but he'll make sure it's the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and it will have to be put into his Wizarding Orphan File. They should have been coming to see him twice a year since his parents died. Harry says the first wizard he met was Hagrid on July 31st. Harry explains that he had tried to tell the school nurse, the school counsellor, the lady from social services, and even a friendly policeman that came to the school but that they never did anything, and they even pretended he had never told him so he wouldn't get his hope up that his situation would change. Harry feels much calmer by the time he gets back to his dorm and is totally ready for bed. He has just enough energy to brush his teeth, wash his face, and change into his pyjamas before he's fast asleep.
The rest of the week feels very similar in that he hears people whispering about him, he takes his potions, and he goes to classes. He really enjoys his transfiguration classes, and he really appreciates the way that they are broken up into theory and practice, as he isn't interrupting anyone trying to practice the wand movement while he's trying to understand why they do it that way. His notes really help him with his homework, and he's finding it not that hard to keep up with what the homework is asking of him if he takes detailed notes in class. A History of Magic is the hardest class to take notes for, he finds, as he cannot focus on what the professor is trying to teach them without it sending him asleep. He almost forgot that he had Flying 101 when he woke up on Wednesday with everything that happened the night before, but the boys in his dorm wouldn't stop talking about it as they got ready that morning. He wasn't really looking forward to it as the Gryffindors shared that class with Slytherin, and so far, the only person Harry could say he'd really spoken to outside of Neville and Hermione is Draco Malfoy, and he didn't make a very good impression when he turned his nose up to Hermione being called a first-generation witch along with him saying "the other sort shouldn't be allowed." It didn't help that when Neville had gotten something called a Rememberall that morning, Draco had taken it out of his hand without permission, and Harry and Hermione, feeling affronted for their friend, stood up to defend him, but Professor McGonagall was there to defuse the situation rather quickly. Yes, Harry wanted to speak to Draco and had even said so before they entered the great hall to be sorted, but his attitude isn't making Harry want to go out of his way to reach out.
He heard Ron Weasley state that the weather was good for flying, and Harry would just have to trust that as he'd never flown before. Neither had Hermione, and she'd been seen reading Quidditch Through the Ages that morning, but her tips weren't of any use either. Neville says his Gran hadn't allowed him to fly due to his clumsiness, so at least his friends were learning it with him. Their teacher, Madame Hooch, is standing in front of 20 brooms that are just lying on the floor; she doesn't even wait for them to line up beside them before she's rushing them to put their right hand over the broom and say "up," although instead of them saying it, you have nearly twenty eleven-year-olds shouting the word "up." Harry's broom jumps to his hand, Neville's doesn't move, and Hermione's rolls over. They eventually get their brooms to rise to their hands, and Madame Hooch shows them how to mount their brooms correctly. She then walks down the line, correcting people's grips, and with all the talk Harry heard from Draco on their way here, he was a little smug that she corrected his grip while she didn't correct Harry's. She's given them instructions when Harry notices Neville's broom rising hard, and when he's around twenty feet high, he slips sideways off the broom, and the whole class hears Neville break his wrist. Harry is very worried for his friend, but Madame Hooch takes him to the hospital wing, but not before telling them that they're to keep their feet firmly on the ground or else they'll be expelled. Harry decides he officially doesn't like Draco Malfoy when he bursts out laughing at Neville's injury, and he really doesn't like him when he picks up Neville's Rememberall and threatens to leave it in a tree. With him showing the behaviour that Dudley shows, he decides he no longer wants to talk to him. Harry knows he should just do as Madame Hooch tells him, but it's Neville's possessions, and he can't just leave them for Draco Malfoy to break, so he follows after him. It's like it doesn't even register at first that he's actually flying on a broom because he's so focused on getting the memory back. He feels himself going higher, chasing Draco, and when they become level, he can see the shock register on his face that Harry had actually followed him. The next thing he registers is that Draco has thrown the rememberall, and he's flying as fast as he can to ensure it doesn't break. He isn't so worried about him; he's broken his wrist before. He reaches out and grabs it; he isn't even sure how fast he's just gone or even how high up he had been, but he's now got the ball, and he lands on the grass.
The next thing he hears is someone shouting his name, and he knows he's going to be expelled. He deserves to; he didn't listen when a teacher told him to stay on the ground. It's Professor McGonagall, and she's spitting mad. If Harry thought he was afraid of her the night before, it doesn't even compare to how he feels right now. He follows her when she commands him to, and he just knows she's going to take him to the headmaster's office, so he's very surprised when she's leading him to the charms corridor. She opens Professor Flitwick's classroom door and asks for wood, and now he's truly petrified, she's going to hurt him. Maybe it would be better to just go pack his belongings and find his way to the headmaster's office himself. Harry didn't expect Wood to be a person. Harrys as confused as this wood boy. She takes them into a spare classroom and explains that Harry is going to be the new seeker for the house quidditch team. Wood, who turns out to be Oliver Wood, a 5th year who is captain of the house quidditch team, is very happy with that, and Harry is just plain confused. She explains to Wood that he'd caught the rememberall in a fifty-foot dive, even though it was his first time on a broom. She explains that she'll have to talk to the headmaster so that Harry can get a broom, as usually first-year students aren't allowed them. She then tells him that his dad would be proud and that he was an excellent player himself. He spends the rest of the day feeling very out of sorts, but he does still remember to have a nap before Astronomy. He rather enjoys that lesson, and as much as he'd prefer to not have to get up at midnight for a class, the stars are so clear that he can understand why. It's strange to Harry that he felt most peaceful on the broom earlier today and now while looking at the stars.
On Friday, the staring and pointing seemed to lessen, or maybe it's just that Harry is tuning them out more, but he is focused because today is his first potion lesson. He's excited for it even though he's heard that Professor Snape isn't a very nice teacher and that he favours Slytherin, for whom he is the head of house. Harry doesn't think this is very fair, as Professor McGonagall doesn't favour them; in fact, she has already taken points from the Weasley twins for not helping the first-year girls find their way when they had been asked. While sitting at the breakfast table and eating his breakfast, which was his new usual, porridge and fresh fruit alongside some orange juice and his potion, he got his now-normal visit from Hedwig, except this time she had a letter for him. The first day she had come to visit him, he had been shocked that so many owls just flew in. He was a bit worried about whether it was hygienic, but Hedwig never went on the table; she perched herself on his shoulder and took a little nibble of his ear before barking at him for bacon. The letter she brought him was from Hagrid, asking him to visit him either after herbology and they'd walk to dinner together or tomorrow, to which Harry replied he'd visit after herbology. He still hadn't heard from Sirius Black, and now that he knows he's in prison, he's not sure he wants to, but he could still write him about his parents if he's allowed, he guesses. He just doesn't have to meet him.
Professor Snape took the register just like all the other professors, but unlike the others, when they got to Harry's name, he didn't just act like Harry was another student; he paused and called him their new celebrity, and whilst it might be new to Harry, this professor looks like he could be his parents' age, so surely the fact Harry has some fame for being the Boy-Who-Lived wouldn't be new to him. Also, everyone was new there, as it was their first week. He hears some of the Slytherin boys laughing at the professor's comments. The professor introduces potions and his expectations in the classroom, which Harry is busy writing down; it wouldn't look good for him to forget the rules. The professor then calls upon Harry to answer three questions to which he doesn't know the answer, even though he has read through his books. Maybe he missed some books, but he definitely hasn't read about where to find a bezoar or what it even is. Harry loses his first point for cheek after saying that, whilst he didn't know Hermione clearly does, he won't be repeating that again. They start to mix together a cure for boils, but Neville forgets to take the cauldron off the fire before adding an ingredient, and somehow the professor blames Harry for it even though he wasn't working with Neville. For all the excitement he had been feeling before going to the class, he left feeling like he'd rather never step foot in there again, and that has really upset Harry, as he had been really looking forward to it. Charms and herbology go a lot better, but he is still upset by it when he takes Neville and Hermione along with him to visit Hagrid. He complains to Hagrid that Professor Snape hates him, but he asks Harry why the professor would hate him, and honestly, wouldn't Harry like to know that too? While Hagrid is talking to Hermione and Neville, Harry sees the paper about a break-in at Gringotts on the day that Hagrid and Harry went, and that's a scary thought. He wonders what they took and where they were when Harry was – could it have been that parcel Hagrid picked up for the headmaster? The article did say the vault had been emptied that day. Either way, it's none of Harry's business; it's just interesting that the same day he goes, it gets broken into.
