(Resignation)
At last, the red alarm sirens came blaring all throughout the underground complex, just as I always knew they would.
Just as was expected.
Perhaps it was due to Captain Katsuragi's recent visit, but somehow, this morning, I already had the sense that it was going to be today, even when I first opened my eyes.
Over the course of the day, I was to witness many NERV employees in varying states of intense feelings, often rapidly switching or intermingling with each other – There was fear, uncertainty, hope, excitement, fatalism and resolve.
I experienced none of those things.
I wonder if I would have if I was a real person, but I honestly do not think so.
There simply wasn't any reason for any of those states.
Not if you knew the truth.
Not for me.
I simply, calmly, climbed my way out of the bed as such a slow, careful pace as my injuries necessitated, and made my way to the door, pulling it open to reveal the nurses and technicians who had already come to get me, stunned to find me ready before they had even notified me.
…
I was carted to EVA 00's cage in a wheelchair.
All along, I held the etui with the Commander's old, cracked glasses grasped tightly in my one good hand, resting in my lap throughout the bumpy ride.
I could not put my plugsuit on myself, of course, not in my current state, so it fell to the nurses to strip and dress me in a small ready room near the cages.
The cast on my left arm would have made it hard to fit into the sleeves of the plugsuit, but its designers had been foresighted enough to make parts of it detachable.
Thus, I was put in everything but the sleeves and then dropped back into my chair, my underwear and hospital gown left forgotten in a corner while I continued onward.
At last, I arrived at my destination.
Looking on from the umbilical bridge, I could see that its armor had only been haphazardly liberated from the bakelite that had been used to contain its rampage – leftover shards of red were still clinging to it here and there, painting the stage for what appeared to be a tense conversation between Commander Ikari and his subordinates.
The newly arrived lady from the operations division appeared to have some objections.
"But- she's still injured from that accident. Can we really make her fight in that condition?"
Dr. Akagi, by contrast, was perfectly calm, ready to elucidate away the confusion:
"The synchronization with the EVA is entirely mental I nature; Physical factors do not matter at all. She'll be fighting using the EVA's body, not her own."
"She's still hurt though. You cannot tell me that this won't affect her concentration."
"I wouldn't worry about that too much…"
"Oh really? How can you be so sure?"
"We can't.", stated the Commander, cutting through the squabbles of his subordinates with a firm, grounded presence – "Which is precisely why I need you to go and fetch the spare. Give the highest priority to his retrieval."
Captain Katsuragi may still have had her misgivings with this, but it was plain that she could not justify them by logic.
Thus, she judged it best to proceed to action: "Yes sir. At once. I promise that I will bring him safely to-"
She stopped in her tracks then. I couldn't tell at first why but then I realized that she likely only just spotted me at that moment.
She reigned in her voice, gesturing briefly to the others before turning around to face me.
I was slightly confused by this, though it mattered too little to merit any kind of response.
The Commander and Dr. Akagi usually just kept talking when I arrived, knowing that I was ready to be employed once they had need of me.
Then again, I'm told Captain Katsuragi was not informed of my history – She must think that I was precisely what my external shell so poorly apes: A living, human adolescent.
Correspondingly, I could see her put on a big smile and wave at me when she saw me, though this seemed on all accounts at odds with the severe predicament that we found ourselves in.
Perhaps she didn't know quite how to respond – either way, I think she might have preferred to stay and exchange some words with me, but at the moment, she was not at liberty to do this since she was bound to leave to do as she was bid.
As soon as she was out of earshot, the Commander addressed Dr. Akagi instead: "Ready Unit One."
"...Unit One? But that… that's the one which-"
It was strange to think that even Dr. Akagi had some things that gave her pause.
The Commander, however, wasn't flinching: "It doesn't matter. Right now, it is nothing but the most intact, reliable weapon that we have."
"I understand – I'll have it taken out of cryostasis at once."
Then she left, too, so that the Commander turned at the very last to me.
"Rei. Be honest – do you think you can control Unit Zero this time?"
'Control', he says...
"I cannot. EVA is controlled by no will but her own, so there can be no guarantee. However, I can speak to her. Make an appeal. Try to get her her to listen."
"I see. Go ahead. If all goes well, I might not have to deploy you at all, but I need you to remain on standby in your entry plug."
"Yes, Sir. As you wish."
...
I could use only one hand to hold onto the controls.
The absence of the other hand didn't really matter insofar as the control yokes served more to give the pilot's mind something to focus on while controlling the EVA chiefly with their thoughts, but since I was already weakened, I could not steady myself in my seat as easily and ended up sitting in an uncomfortable sideways position at a time when I was about to engage in an activity that would require my utmost concentration.
For obvious safety reasons, the ground crew was ready to disconnect the nerve links immediately and shove the signal termination plug back in at the slightest sign of another anomaly, so I had even less of a margin of error.
My only comfort was the weight of the glasses etui in my lap – as the entry sequence progressed, I focussed on its sensation like a mantra.
I felt the sudden rise of sensation flowing in like a rising tide of water.
Focus, I told myself, concentrate.
Don't become absorbed by it. Don't get swept away.
I called upon the image of me, my mental picture of its boundaries:
My clothes.
My room.
My seat in the classroom.
The outline of my physical form.
This is me.
I became me through the environment and the connections that have molded me.
I have a purpose, a role.
I have contents – thoughts, knowledge, questions, imaginations.
I have connections.
This weight in my lap is proof of it.
I exist – somebody burned his own hands because of me so how can I not be real?
This here. This here is me.
Nothing else. All that lies outside of me is not me.
What I feel and sense beyond this does not belong to me.
So it's someone else.
So it's Unit Zero.
I feel her – her pain and her nothingness, the insufficient barely-being calling out for anything to sustain her imprisoned thought.
'I'm sorry', I say to her, speaking within our shared scape of thought, 'I'm sorry about what was done to you. I'm sorry that you have to exist like this, trapped, bound, empty, incomplete, violated, commodified, created only to destroy your own kind… I'm sorry about your solitude and your pain, and the way you're always wheeled from one place to the next, without choice, without freedom, without companions, or even the hope of any future. I really wish it could be different. If it could be helped in any way, I would change it.'
I'd thought of this as merely the opening statement which would begin our negotiations.
I didn't expect it to do anything, after all, it was just words.
As the Commander is always fond of saying, words don't mean anything, anyone could just go and just say anything; Only deeds count.
But still, I could feel the large mass of the EVA beginning to activate, its perception aligning with mine. Before my very eyes, the dark plug disappeared and the interface flickered to life.
EVA 00 had allowed me to connect to her.
I can only suppose that it was the result of actually being addressed as a fellow sentient intelligence for the very first time.
Honestly, I can sympathize.
In this at least, our wills are synchronized in truth.
…
The enemy breached the city bounds before the spare pilot could arrive.
I knew what this meant.
We could not afford to let xem come any closer to their aim.
When the Commander informed me of the need to dispatch me, I simply told him that I already knew and understood, and braced myself for the acceleration that would catapult me to the surface.
The angel was easy to spot – Xir was a massive, hulking giant the size of a building, clad in moss green rubbery skin, and a few armored plates of bone here and there. Their basic silhouette and body plan were actually not too different from a person's.
Although xir was a creature marked by the label 'enemy', I felt no anger, hate or revulsion at the sight of xem.
I understood, more than anyone, that xir was not really all that different from the other people existing in this world – an existence really no older than my classmates, and less experienced since xir could not have hatched from xeir shell until very, very recently.
The kin of Adam had the power to reshape their own bounds to their liking, fueled by their kind's source of endless immortal power, but the soul that sat inside that enormous body could not be too different from us.
Xir must have feelings, spiritual thoughts and intuitions, at least, even if xir did not share our logical ones. Perhaps xir hates us, though xir might just as likely see our destruction as nothing more than xeir solemn duty. Or perhaps xir did not think of us at all, and comprehended not how were so different from the trees and mosses that would we wiped out along with us – and were we, really?
In truth, this creature here was one of the true heirs of this planet.
They came here first, and we, through no fault of our own, had done them an injustice – and now both of us lived, equally wanting and equally deserving of life, but utterly in our natures.
Making this place into their world would mean wiping out ours.
It was only an unfortunate tragedy that had put us at odds, but there was no point in even mourning or lamenting it since it could not be changed and could never have been otherwise.
I felt no disdain for this fellow-creature of mine, no hate, no anger, no disgust or fear of the unknown.
There was only a faint sadness, and even that was quiet and formal.
If I recalled correctly from xeir mention in the scrolls, xeir name, or the closest thing to it that could be put in human language, was something like 'Sachiel'.
I believe I owed it to xem to at least keep that in mind.
But there was not much time for contemplation not, only orders and their executions.
I'd been observing it this whole time, concealed behind a row of buildings. I'd tracked xeir pattern of levitating for short jumps, and now I was lying in ambush.
I was not afforded the luxury of precision at this time. The EVA's movements were clumsy and sluggish. No amount of concentration could erase the noise that was introduced into the system because of my physical discomfort. Pain makes you involuntary clench your muscles, shift your posture, and release stress hormones. To the EVA, these are all extraneous signals. A reverse phantom pain that throws off the state of union. This is why receiving adequate pain medication is not only about relieving symptoms but can in fact be part of the actual treatment.
So normally, I would have been receiving them, but Dr. Akagi had decided to reduce my most recent dose, a compromise between allowing me to focus on fighting, and not dulling my senses beyond an unacceptable point.
Besides, I was out of practice, since I was obviously not able to keep up with my training while laid up in the hospital.
If I had tried to aim a blaster, I would not have trusted myself not to miss.
I concluded that I would need to resort to drastic measures.
I knew the angel was coming – Sachiel had leaped up into the sky again, heating the air with xier superhuman power, a halo of energy condensing around xier head – but the moment xir touched down, and began to take another giant step, I jumped from my refuge and slammed myself bodily into xier side, wearing, of course, the mountainous armor of flesh, steel, and plastic that was EVA 00 – propelled by that great weight, the angel was sent crashing into a row of nearby buildings.
It seems that I had caught xem unawares.
I struggled now to first of all to right myself, in preparation for the inevitable rest of xier coming assault – and that's when I noticed.
It was just a speck at first, a flinch of motion that did not belong.
But using the computerized vision of EVA 00, the small dots were swiftly magnified to full size – There were two people there, standing by an overturned car.
The entire metropolitan area ought to have been evacuated, but I knew of at least one person who had been under explicit orders to go inside – and indeed, my suspicions were quickly conformed –
It was Captain Katsuragi, looking just as I had seen her earlier – Even when thrown down to her knees, she had found a way to place herself protectively in front of the person next to her, which could only be the spare pilot:
He was wearing the boys' uniform of our school, which, without doubt, must have been sent to him in advance.
I had known he existed, of course, at least since the moment the Commander had mentioned summoning a spare. Thus far, I had not concerned myself much with who he might be.
If the Commander said that there was a spare pilot, I would assume that he exists; I had already known there were other pilots, such as the Second Child in Europe.
So in itself, the existence of another pilot would not have been so remarkable.
It's just that once I saw him, I just couldn't shake off that impression….
He was the boy from the graveyard.
As if he had stepped right out of my scrambled fever dreams.
I didn't waste time speculating on ways to deny it – I just knew.
Unassuming as he may have been, there was no mistaking those eyes – their distinct coloration could be seen clearly, wide as they were now, filled with shock and fear.
He had a soft, timid voice, still much more a boy's than a man's, but the EVA's audio detectors picked it up all the same.
"A- another one?!"
Captain Katsuragi remained much more cool-headed: "Don't worry, that one's on our side."
Then she pointed out her car.
I understood at once and swiftly moved to turn it right-side-up again. Fortunately, it did not appear too badly damaged.
The spare pilot watched in awe.
"Is- Is it a robot?"
"Come on, we have to leave. There's no time. Get in the car, quick."
The Captain was very right about that.
Under better circumstances, I would have made sure to ensure their safe arrival, but right now, it seems that I would just have to trust the Captain's judgment.
I could hear the Angel stirring again, rising up, closing the tears in xeir rubbery flesh with a wet slippery bubbling sound.
I had no illusions of victory.
The best I could hope for, at most, was to hold off our foe just long enough for the spare to board Unit One.
And if this particular 'me' were to perish in the process… well, then at least it would not have been for nothing.
I was resolved to anything.
I tried as best as I could to get myself into a battle stance, waiting for the enemy.
I knew xir would come, and xir did.
But this time, xir did not make the mistake of letting me come near xem.
In a distant corner of my mind, I observed that it was just as the commander had theorized: As completely autonomous lifeforms, they must come equipped with a great capacity to change and adapt, to do as whole beings what the progeny of Lillith can only manage over a multitude of generations. Sachiel might not have some of the rational facilities which we would associate with the fruit of knowledge, but xir had a cunning, animal intelligence.
I stood ready to defend myself in hand-to-hand combat, expecting xem to jump on me, but instead xir sent only their arm, slung forward with a rubbery elasticity like a chameleon-like projectile tongue, and yet clawed enough to grapple me.
My feet were in the air before I could react, let alone convey those orders to the EVA, and in the very next split-second, all I knew was pain, and bits of the building crashing against EVA 00's back.
I became aware of my trembling arms hanging frozen in front of my chest, my legs pulled in.
No reason in the world could override the instinctive response to the agony, though I understood its folly.
Curled together, I found myself falling forward, and on top of my side, powerless to fight it, or to resist at all when Sachiel approached, the outline of xeir jagged external ribs blotting out the sun.
Xir picked me up again with those same rubbery arms, but this time xir was not content with just throwing me – it was as if xir was testing out xier abilities.
Just to prove xir could, xir bore into me with a devastating kick, and hanging held up in the air as I was, the sheer inhuman force propelled me much farther than a human could have kicked another, even in proportion to our sizes.
I was thrown about like a boneless ragdoll, sent flying with majestic ease, unable to make my limbs do anything that might break the fall until some low apartment block came slamming straight into my back, and my already injured head slammed down on the hard concrete just a few seconds later.
It was hard now to separate what was Unit Zero and what was me, for me both had felt the shock.
But there was one detail that must definitely have been coming from my actual body, a certain warm, sticky feeling.
My wounds must have reopened.
With gritted teeth, I managed to hoist myself onto all fours, but as soon as I managed it, I felt a wave of lightheadedness coming over me. My hands were slipping – or rather it was the EVA's, who were responding now with more and more delay.
At once, I was aware of countless alarms and exclamations breaking into my consciousness, the swarming voices from headquarters.
"Pilot's heart rate and blood pressure are dropping!"
"Synchronization down by 5%"
"She's hemorrhaging through the chest-plate seams!"
"3 Minutes and counting until N2 operation!"
It was now clear that I had failed.
The Commander must have realized it too: "It can't be helped. Commence Recovery at maximum speed through route 192!"
Unable to do anything more, I was forced to crawl my way to the recovery shaft, leaving Sachiel to go where xir would. I could only hope that Captain Katsuragi and the spare got far enough away to shelter from the blast.
…
By the time my Entry Plug was opened up, I was no longer able to leave the seat of my own strength.
My chest felt like it was on fire, and every breath burned more than the last.
NERV was of course prepared for such eventualities; The pilot seat was lifted from the plug with a robotic arm, and a team of paramedics stood ready to lift me onto a portable bed.
I coughed bloody phlegm upon the pristine white sheets – Everything was pain.
I was no longer capable of even lifting a finger; even sitting up in a wheelchair would have been beyond me now.
So great was the agony that I barely even registered when my elbow was pricked to insert an IV.
The medicine cocktail inside was meant to stabilize me, but there was only so much done to take away my pain – nor could they render me more than such immediate first aid as could be performed within this room.
Under orders from the Commander, I was to be kept near the cages –
For so long as I was conscious, there was always a chance that I would need to be deployed again.
There was little question of what would happen then, but, like many other things, I had already accepted it.
I was expecting it, even, for why in the world would I expect to be spared?
There had been nothing in my entire life that might have led me to expect that.
In any case, all I could do now was to conserve my strength.
To close my eyes, and focus only on breathing.
To try not to resist the pain but to simply perceive it as another sensation, blocking out all the words but for the ragged noise of airflow in and out my mind.
I had found this to be a useful technique to try and sleep when there was too much pain, or too many senseless thoughts popping up at night when there was nothing left to occupy my attention.
I tried to compress my consciousness to the furthest, thinnest slice ar away in the distance, perceiving nothing but the back and forth of the pendulum…
I had almost sunk into that state completely when a voice demanded my attention.
"Miss Ayanami? I'm sorry Miss Ayanami, but the Commander is on the line to speak with you...-"
I thought nothing of the Nurse's apologetic tone, for it would make no difference one way or the other; I simply opened my eyes, gazing sharply toward the nearby intercom.
"Connect me."
Though perhaps off-put by something about my response (I would not know what), she complied at once.
Much as I expected, the deep, grounded voice of the Commander resounded in my air.
There were no frills here, nothing unclear or unnecessary about what he said – I understood it well.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Sir?"
"The spare is unusable. You know what that means."
"Yes, Sir."
I understood my lot indeed.
And maybe, to some extent, so did the nurses and technicians – many of them paused gravely, looking at their hands with serious faces.
Only that they didn't understand half of it, such as the truth that this had been inevitable all along.
"Why are you stopping?" I asked them, "Go on. Proceed."
And they did, though many of them flinched at my request.
I knew as well as them what the outcome would be, of course –
Earlier, when I'd heard Dr. Akagi speaking about possibly terminating me for having accumulated too much wear and tear, I think I already knew that I must be near the end of my operational shelf life.
I'd had this vague wish, of making it to the very end so that there would not need to be another, but it was never a serious committed hope or aim.
If I had known that this day would be my last, would I have done anything differently?
I can't think of anything, really, at least nothing that would have been possible within that hospital room.
Maybe I would have wished for the Commander to come to visit me one last time, but there is no way that he would show up just because I ask.
I wondered though, what it might have been like if he would come and read me some bedtime story as if he were my real father and not just my creator who only called me forth for his own pragmatic purposes.
He would just tell me to listen to an audiobook of course; He is a very pragmatic person, not given to sentiment, wholly dedicated to nothing but his goals. He wouldn't understand why I might want him to read it – that's why he'd never had a family of his own.
Or at least, that's what I used to think, confusing half-remembered figments of my mind aside…
