(Sympathy)

After that, Ikari-kun was no longer just ‚The Third Child' or ‚The Commander's son' to me.

I began to think that, perhaps, it might not be so altogether pointless to let him pursue the kind of friendship or comradery which he seemed to desire.

Of course, it could only last a short time, and it would make no difference in the end, but for that very same reason, I could not see the harm in it, even if it wasn't strictly necessary.

He had saved my life twice now, so, I suppose it was the least it could do, but after that moment on the mountaintop, I wondered also, if maybe, it might be possible for me to be someone's friend after all. There wasn't much conviction behind it, only a hypothetical, but still, I figured that it might be interesting to find out before I vanish from this earth.

All I had to do was let him, after all.

So henceforth I made an effort to listen, at least for a bit, if he came to talk to me at NERV or at school, and try as best as I could to produce some answers to whatever questions he asked me.

It wasn't really that pleasurable at first, for the most part.

Part of me resisted the disruption of my regular habits, the hazy monotony that allowed me to abstract myself away to the realm of my thoughts, which I often much preferred to the dreary world that I lived in.

Sometimes I found myself questioning the point of it, wondering when he might leave and being relieved once he was.

I was simply not used to this and my life was still no less bleak and exhausting than it was the day before.

At first I wasn't always entirely comfortable while we were talking, but then, after he was gone, I would often find my mind drifting back to the conversation, noticing many things in hindsight, like how I had rarely been used to seeing anyone break out in smiles the moment I arrived or asking my opinions on things. Often I couldn't produce one, never having thought about that thing before, simply because it had not been relevant to my duties.

The first time he called out to me at the tram stop, I was honestly rather startled than delighted.

„So you take this line home as well, huh? Somehow, I've never seen you here…"

„That's because when I go directly to NERV, I take the accessway under the school."

„Aha! But, when you don't, is this your usual time? I was thinking if maybe we could meet up here sometimes, maybe in the mornings… when do you usually leave?"

I'm not sure that I wanted to commit to doing that all the time.

Besides…

„So you've decided to stay then?"

„Huh?"

„Have you decided to stay here, at NERV? Before our last mission you said that you would do it ‚one last time'."

„You're… pretty direct sometimes…"

Am I?

„The thing is, I've thought about it. The whole battle and everything before it really got me thinking. And what I've decided is that I don't really wanna leave, right now."

„Why is that?"

„Same reason as you – Since I became a pilot, I've had a real reason to exist, and I've made connections with people – I didn't really have that before. So, I want to stay here, with the ones I've made connections with – Misato-san, Touji, Kensuke… and you as well. I want us all to be smiling together."

So, now I could even say that I've had an influence on him, that I became part of the shaping that had made him. As he may in time become one of the connections that shape me.

That's not nothing, I suppose.

So I didn't give up on it, even though I was tempted.

Most of the actual tram ride passed largely in silence, with a few mumbled attempts on Ikari-kun's side that amounted to nothing.

But when we got off the tram, I just casually turned to him, simply because it seemed the appropriate thing to do, and, remembering what he'd said to me earlier, I said,

„See you later."

His entire face lit up. He tried to master himself but it was to no avail.

I hadn't thought that anyone could be so happy about such a little thing...

Perhaps he'd made his imprint on me already…

The first time that our classmates overheard me speaking to him of my own accord, there were astounded responses, though it was only a simple greeting.

Had I truly not done that before? Perhaps they were exaggerating, but I truly couldn't recall.

Even the class representative commented on it when she came to get me for cleaning duty.

„It's nice to see that you've finally made a friend!"

Is it such a big deal?

There was no guarantee that it would work out, so, I would rather that others were not watching or commenting. Though I suppose that it could not be helped.

...

One day, after I had been absent from school for various reasons, he came rushing to me the moment he saw me going into the classroom, asking, with some badly concealed agitation, if everything was alright.

And then I'd feel that hazy warmth again, the unbelievable evidence that someone already cared.

I could hardly tell him that I had spent that day in the bowels or terminal dogma, but I tried as best as I could to reassure him that it was duty, not sickness, which had called me away.

„Seems a bit unfair that they're making you do extra work. What about your grades?"

„There is no problem."

„Is that so? I guess you must be pretty smart, so you'd still be able to keep up."

„What makes you think that?"

„Uh, well, you're always reading those thick books, right? What's this one about?"

Somehow, he was actually, genuinely interested in hearing about that.

The pointless little interest that existed only to prove myself to me, that he couldn't even participate in.

He was particularly interested in the fantasy books, and note that some of the passing thoughts I had jotted down in my notebook were ‚like poetry', a description that struck me as strange. I would not have thought myself capable of creativity, which was after all considered the peak expression of the human soul.

„Do you like poetry?"

I asked then, simply because it seemed a logical question.

He simply shrugged noncomittally. „I don't hate it…"

It would be much, much longer before he would reveal anything about his own interests.

Whenever he talked about himself, he mostly mentioned what he had done with others, such as Aida and Suzuhara, or his day-to-day life in the residence of Captain Katsuragi.

He shied away from having the spotlight placed on himself – as a result, he often asked about me, which I was really not used to.

It was nice, I suppose, to have someone take an interest in me, to treat me as if I were interesting. But I honestly didn't have much to tell. There was not very much going on in my life, and even less that I could disclose to him. It was often quickly summarized, and I noticed him getting a bit uncertain when the answer was not what he'd been expecting, or if he didn't know what to reply.

„I'm not annoying you, aren't I?"

„No."

„Ah, I see… that's a relief!"

Really, I was the one who was probably doing it wrong. Often he wanted to talk, but I didn't have anything to say or tell. Nothing of note had happened. I had not learned or experienced anything new. In moments like these, I wondered if he was going to get bored of me, or if agreeing to associate with him might have been a mistake if I couldn't do it right anyway.

Despite my worries to the contrary, he was always understanding if I asked to be left alone for this particular recess or said I didn't feel like talking, though sometimes he might be especially apologetic or careful next time he approached, as if he worried that he might have done something wrong, or if I was mad.

„I'm not."

„Should I maybe just- go away and stop bothering you?"

„You can stop if you want. But you're not bothering me. It's alright if you keep coming, once in a while."

„Ah so, so you just kind of want your space some of the time? That's a relief – If eh… if you ever want me to back off just let me know…"

„Is that not a problem? If I can't always be available. I don't have much experience with it, but I realize, from what I've seen of it in books, that people generally expect their associates to be available for them."

„No, no, don't worry about it, it's totally okay! I'm not, like, super extroverted myself, so, like, I too have times where I just wanna listen to my music – besides, I can always hang with Touji & Kensuke when you're not up for it. It's totally fine – I just wanna make sure that I'm not bothering you."

„You're not."

„I'm glad."

I expected that, sooner or later, he would surely stop coming, but somehow, he never did.

...

For lack of other topics, we often ended up discussing what I've been reading - When he would find me reading scientific texts, however, he threw up his arms in surrender, lamenting that he didn't really understand them – „I know that must be disappointing since my parents are both famous scientists and everything… I'm like the stupidest person in our family… I wonder sometimes if father would like me more if I was smarter."

For some reason, he always kept making disparaging comments about his own person, many of which I found wildly inaccurate. But it wasn't my place to say, really, since I had only known him for such a long time.

Instead, my attention was drawn to another detail: „...your parents, as in both? Your mother as well?"

He could not hide his dismay very well.

„I guess I shouldn't be surprised that father never talked about her…" the moment he became aware of his own scathing tone, he immediately pedaled back: „Uh- sorry, I, I know you don't like people to say bad stuff about him, I didn't mean to- It's just…."

He had crossed his arms tightly to his chest, by then, and was looking uncomfortable enough that even I could tell.

„So what was she like? Your mother?"

„I don't recall much, honestly – I was pretty small when she died. What little I do remember doesn't have to do with any science stuff, she was just – a normal mom I guess.

Look, uh, I'm sorry, but can we not talk about that?"

„Sorry. I should not have asked. That must have been… ‚blunt' again, I suppose. It's just that, I never had parents, so, I wonder what that is like."

Ikari-kun exhaled a long, drawn sign.

„Honestly, I couldn't tell you. Everyone that's ever looked after me was paid to do so. Though, maybe I'm being spoiled again. Being homeschooled by some fancy private teacher in the country is probably still way better than being stuck at NERV all your life. Did you even get to do any normal kid stuff at all?"

„It wasn't needed."

„Maybe not – but where's the harm in it? It's unfair enough that we have to do this awful stuff, us, out of all the people in the world. And we can't say no, because else it'll be the end of the world, and also we'll be all alone. That's so… really convenient for them. So why can't we at least enjoy the miserable rest of our lives that they've left us with?!"

„We're not forbidden from it."

„No. I guess not. So maybe it's not too late…"

It very nearly is, though he does not know it.

Still, I suppose he is not entirely wrong, at least as it pertains to these last few months.