(Pressure)
"If you want to be alone, then I will leave."
That was the first thing I told to Ikari-kun, when I found him.
I'm not at all convinced this was the best choice, it's just what I would want to hear, I think, in his situation, what I would need to be at ease.
I realise of course that judging what he might want based on myself would be a rather poor guide.
I am not certain that it was doing anything more than to put myself at ease, toconvince myself that I wasn't intruding into something that wasn't my business, that I had no business taking part in.
After all, if one doesn't know what they are doing, it would be best for them to just shut up and leave rather than make anything worse and put their nose where it's not wanted.
Was it wanted?
I could not tell.
I had come across Ikari-kun on one of those benches near the vending machine after making a round of any places where one might sit and linger while not being in the direct path that the Second Child would take to the gates.
He sat with his legs spread, hands folded in his lap, slouching forward, looking at nowhere till he had taken note of me.
He wasn't saying anything – maybe he was waiting for me to go first or worrying that he might be the one to effend me, so we stood there staring in silence, like two mirrors facing each other in infinite regress.
I really wasn't sure how to do this, but I wanted to do it, and I wanted this to be done.
"If you want to talk about what happened, I am ready to listen. But you don't have to tell me, if you prefer that, I would gladly leave you alone.
I can also distract you. Or offer rational solutions. Or just be here without doing anything. Or let you complain, without saying anything."
What other options are there for what people like when they were upset?
I had read enough to realize that applying the wrong thing to the wrong person can have dire consequences, so it's important to ask, if I understand this correctly.
What else… ah right. Sometimes attending to one's material state could make emotional challenges easier to deal with.
It is fortunate that he chose to retreat to the corner with the vending machines in it.
"Would you like something to drink?"
That, at last, got him to answer, if likely only out of reflexive politeness:
"No, it's fine, you don't have to-"
"It is alright, I have plenty left over from my allowance."
Indeed, I rarely ever used all that of the funds provided for me, I wasn't necessary.
I preferred not to be responsible for any uneccesary things.
Right now, however, I think my purpose would be best served by purchasing two cans of soda, one for each of us. Sharing food or drink together serves a purpose of bonding sometimes, right?
I think I'd witnessed that, on some of our previous outings together.
I understood it, at least intellectually, even if I couldn't really be part of it outside of watching myself doing it.
I wish I could have a better guage of whether or not this was doing anything for him.
I stepped to the nearest vending machine and procured the beverages.
If it was only about hydration an isotonic drink may have done better than a sugary one, but it would still serve its purpose, and besides from what I have read there is some merit to replenishing the energy that is used up by tasks that required mental concentration or self-control (Like, for example, a synchronization test) in the form that was most quickly accessible to the cells of the brain.
Honestly, I really wasn't sure what to do here, what I was even doing here.
I was holding on to little hints that might end up mattering fairly little in the grand scheme of things.
Either way, I held out the can to Ikari-kun.
There was some initial reluctance, but he took it, and opened it right away.
I think this meant that things were going as they were supposed to.
I set myself down, on the bench, what I believed to be the appropriate distance away from him, and opened my own can of soda with a slight hiss.
I think it would be appropriate to take a sip of the liquid now?
It filled the time. I wondered if it would be well advised to now reiterate the statement that he could keep talking about whatever had taken place…
But I decided, in the end, that it would be better not to risk upsetting the present delicate balance.
If he wanted to talk to me about it, that is.
I think a part of me hoped so. I was interested, because I was interested in him, and, in different ways, in whatever part of this involved the Commander.
But I wasn't going to push it.
I didn't mean to touch any vulnerable spots.
If he wouldn't speak, that was his prerogative, and I was willing to respect that sooner than I would wish to push or pressure him.
I sat in silence.
I'd read as well that sometimes humans find a comfort in simply having someone by their side in silence, that they found a comfort in company for its own sake, but I couldn't say in how I would possibly tell which kind of silence Ikari-kun perceived this to be.
I didn't want to look at him too directly, lest he notice and have some kind of reaction to it – discomfort maybe.
Time passed.
At some point, Ikari-kun took a protracted hearty gulp from his can of soda.
"Thanks, Ayanami."
This was something at least.
I wondered if that would be it.
If we would simply proceed to sit in silence until the beverages were spent.
But this was not so. The words kept coming, evidence of an unfilled need for them to be heard.
Humans do this, right? Desire for the contents of their hearts to be seen.
Of course this is built upon the premise that another could comprehend.
And at first, it seemed a fairly simple matter that was coming to light:
"It all started all the way back during the blackout. I don't know if you remember, but, when the angel was defeated, Asuka and I went off to see where Misato had gotten to."
I did, in fact, recall something like that.
"But we didn't find her right away, and so, we got talking…. Anyway – it turned out that she and Kaji-san had been stuck in one of the elevators.
They were actually close by, the power must have gone out just before they would have reached the level the control room was on."
So far, I wasn't really seeing how any of this was related to Ikari-kun's relationship to the Commander. Looking back, I think he might have started with the easy, trivial parts, just to build up his courage – or at least, his momentum.
"-the elevator doors opened when the power came back on, and just at that moment, we were – eh… there was – I guess you could say it was some misunderstanding.
It was Asuka's own darn idea! I should never have gone along with it…"
He didn't elaborate, but I could deduce from context that some inadvisable youthful mischief must have taken place.
"-So, Asuka was embarassed when we got caught, explicitly since Kaji-san was involved, and so she wrote this letter to explain things to him, and she wanted me to give it to him."
That must be the envelope they discussed earlier – somehow, it never did make its way into Mr. Kaji's possession.
"So I went to headquarters and asked the technicians where he might be.
I did find him, but since the whole thing was really embarassing, I didn't go talk to him right away.
I just kind of followed him.
Then I noticed that he was going to some part of the building that I had never been in, and before I knew it, Misato-san was there…"
"Major Katsuragi?"
He hesistated with his answer, at this point.
I believe we were getting close to the core of the matter, which was something that he realized, and made him aware of things, implications that he otherwise wouldn't consider.
He sat there as someone whose world had just been expanded, the seams of his mind pulled open to the point that they would not close again even if he wanted to, all he saw transformed by everything that he now knew and would not let him look at it the same -
but the heavy mantle of the implications was not yet fully settled, the old view of the world still tentatively hung onto because it was a complete thing and the chaos he's beginning to perceive is not.
He hesitated, aware that he should bear some responsibility now, yet still struggling to conceive of it in full.
"...are you going to tell father what we talked about?"
"He is a very busy man. I don't see why the contents of our talk would be relevant to him."
"What if it had something to do with NERV? Something that could be important, or dangerous…"
"In that case, I would have to. If it is some danger that could affect us all or possibly obstruct the success of project E, there would be no other choice but to tell him.
You might be embarassed or not wanting to get somebody else in trouble, but the consequences of not saying anything might be worse. The world is larger than just you and those around you, even if those other parts of it are distant and not as available to your feelings and imagination.
One has to think of the final outcome in the grander scheme of things, the consequences that it would have for everybody, not just for yourself or the people that are close to your heart."
I realize this is a bit irrational or inconsistent, but, some part of me hoped that he wasn't going to tell me something that I would absolutely have to report, despite its likely consequences.
Saying nothing would probably be worse, especially if the Commander was going to find out anyway, but I didn't want to be put in the situation of having to bring about the cost of this myself, even if it were the lesser of two evils.
I didn't look forward to seeing Ikari-kun's suffering, or anyone else's, for that matter.
I watched Ikari-kun, wondering how he would take this, how he'd respond, if he would understand that this was all I could tell him. I didn't clearly say yes or no, because the world was more complicated than yes or no, but perhaps I should have featured in his need for closure.
He regarded me apprehensively, with an awkward, heavy pause, the twing of hesitation aparent in the corners of his lips.
He very much knew that I had not said yes. But I didn't say no, either, and by now the need to unburden himself of the heavy secret weighing on his back was feeling urgent in the face of a real chance of it at the horizon. He went looking for what he wanted to see, a hint or glimmer of a chance of what might be a yes.
"...the thing is, if you tell father- there's a good chance that Mr. Kaji could get in really big trouble. Kaji-san is a good person and, I'm sure he doesn't have bad intentions, so, could you make an exception just this once? It's really important..."
Ah. That's what he means. He must have found out.
In this, Ikari'kun's inexperience was very much revealed – he didn't realize that just by mentioning Inspector Kaji's name, he had already given me all the relevant information that I would need to tell the Commander to go looking into it. If he wasn't in the known already, this conversation would almost certainly have let to Mr. Kaji's secret being revealed, and if that secret was 'really important', that was actually more reason to report it, something that would rather weigh against concealing it.
The fact that the charismatic spy had managed to convince a timid youth of his 'goodness' would just be accounted as more evidence of scheming.
But it was irrelevant either way. Part of me was glad that all this was already decided:
"Are you speaking of Inspector Kaji's association with the japanese bureau of interior affairs? Commander Ikari is already aware of that."
"What- He already-!"
In the first instant, a surge of fear contorted his face, gripping all his body in a sudden tightness.
It occurred to me that, in this moment, the reason he was afraid was Commander Ikari.
Because he was afraid what he might do.
Under other circumstances, I would tell him that there was no necessity for it, that everything in the plan had its purpose but… even leaving aside the question of how much I believed this anymore, there would be nothing I could say against his concerns.
Taking into account what his likely values and priorities were, they were rational and justified.
If Commander Ikari had not decided to make use of Mr. Kaji for his own uses, I doubt not that Section 2 would have been sent to take care of it.
Nor do I think that Ikari-kun as a person would find much comfort in the idea that this was deemed necessary.
"He already knows…"
He repeated again, more slowly this time.
I think implications might have been beginning to set in, the immediate panic replaced by a wave of surreal numbness as the magnitude of it all hit him.
He didn't look at me, or anything else in particular.
Then, he seemed to have seized onto some strand that he could grasp, in a desperate need to hang on as the tapestry of his understanding:
"if you knew this, then why didn't you tell me?"
I thought this would be obvious.
"It was classified."
Ikari-kun's response to this was not at all what I expected.
"So you did know?"
I could tell he was getting agitated now.
One could not really blame him. It was a lot to be confronted with at once.
His reaction probably was not so much about me, but it was simply the last straw, the boiling point of many things… it was becoming quite clear in his speech.
He was working himself into a state and I didn't really know how to answer in such a way that he would hear, that he would not just take some kind of way.
There was more behind his response than just this moment, and whatever I said was likely to be wrong in his eyes, to brush against some tender spot without meaning to."
"...you knew. You actually knew.", he concluded, dwelling for a moment in this quiet, breathless voice and a sharp instant of realization – and then the maelstrom of his thoughts kept going:
"So what else? What else aren't you telling me?
What about the secrets that father and Ritsuko-san are keeping from everybody at NERV? Or the things Kaji-san told me the next day – this organization, SEELE, those Dead Sea Scrolls, or how my father left the research station in antarctica just the day before Second Impact, like he knew it was going to happen? What about that monster down in the basement, that big, white swollen corpse thing… Did you know about that, too?!"
Monster, huh?
It is not strange that he would think of her this way.
Not strange at all.
No stranger than finding a prince no doubt repulsed by a soulless mermaid's tail, that which exposes her as a thing that cannot find salvation.
But there was nothing I could say about it.
Little I could say at all, so I defaulted to protocool as the only shield or rope that came to mind:
"...you were not supposed to know of of this. It is classified. Did Inspector Kaji tell you?"
"So what if he did? What if I do know? Is that so bad?
Or would you rather keep me in the dark as well, just like father and Ritsuko-san and all the others?!"
"It's classified." I insisted, woefully aware that that was hardly any kin of reason and that I must be sounding like a broken record. But what else could I say? How could I make myself understood to him, like this, when there was no way I could explain it in full?
So many things that, only half comprehended, could easily lead to wrong conclusions. So much that took hours worth of background to explain and very particular experiences to possibly understand, tangled interactions upon interactions, complications, context, that felt impossible to condense in any simple acessible form, other than this:
"I am presently not at liberty to tell you anything about those topics."
I could not fault him for wanting to know, however.
I thought he was within his right to demand answers, so far as he knows – for how could be expected to account for what he wasn't told, or even was deliberately kept from.
I told myself he couldn't possibly know what terrible bench wise he was placing me in.
It is not that I didn't want to tell him – there was just no way I possibly could.
I wasn't capable, even if I had thought it wise to bear the consequences, or kind to inflict them on him.
Do not think I would not have been relieved if there was someone who could understand, someone who could truly appreciate what was going on, to stand beside me on the same tower overlooking the same world.
Once I might have told him that if the Commander decided that he did not need to know, there was probably a good reason, but now I could not say that without betraying both myself and him.
Could I hold him in the wrong for wanting to know the direction thast his path is taking him, or the reason for his suffering? It was only natural that he should desire this.
In truth, I desired this too.
I had been longing for much the same answers for a long, long time now.
So how could I deny him, he deserved answers -
but as with him, my body and mind were made of weak and fragile materials.
Ikari-kun had stood up from the bench now, one knee still on the bench.
"Why can't you just tell me! What is father doing? What is the meaning of all this? What are the EVAs, or the angels? What is that thing in the basement?!"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Then explain!"
Right there, I found myseld absolutely finished and utterly defeated.
How am I supposed to explain?
How can I explain to him what I do not understand myself?
When I don't know what to think or how to feel about it?
I felt exposed,
like bringing to light the debris of my unfinished thoughts,
the weeping sore that was my heart.
I did not want it touched.
I felt pressed, pinned against the wall,
stuck here with him like a grain of sand in a shoe, ever pricking against the skin, like sardines squeezed in next to each other in a tin.
I wanted nothing more than to get out, get away from him, from everyone, maybe never see them again.
"I can't." I insisted, quiet yet distressed. "I wish I could tell you, but it's just not possible.
If things were different, I would tell you, but I can't. I don't have that options.
This is just like it is – sometimes, there are no good choices, and all the ones you have are different kinds of bad.
You can only choose the least worse.
And that is what I'm doing.
Doing the least worse thing. I believe that is what Commander Ikari is doing as well.
Between all the other options he had, and what he's doing now, this is the least worse."
"Bullshit!"
It was rare for Ikari-kun to use such words.
His gaze was sharp and hard.
I was startled, for a moment, watching myself nearly jumping out of my skin.
I felt myself cornered, keenly feeling where the other end the seat ended under me, the line I could not get past without losing my equilibrium and falling backwards against the corner.
"You're a liar. Just like my father, and like everybody else – You. Misato-san. Asuka. Kaji-san. You all keep hiding behind those smiles when you're just trying to keep things ambiguous! How am I supposed to keep fighting and hurting and bleeding, when I don't even know what its for? You pretend to be kind to me, but how am I supposed to know that you're not turning around and laughing behind my back?!"
"That isn't true."
"Well, I don't know that! I don't know, because you all keep secrets! What is it that you've got to hide? Why can't you just tell me everything?! If you really care, then why are you keeping me in the dark!"
"That is because I care.", I stated, defeated, pessimistic, worn out, though I had very little hope now that it would make a difference. "That is because the truth can be very, very painful. Because the truth will bring nothing but desolation to everybody."
"Not knowing is even worse!"
"How can you be so sure, when you don't know what it is what you don't know."
"Because it terrifies me! I don't know when everyone will stop wanting me again. I feel awkward and, and uneasy-
Why don't you just tell me? Then I'll know you won't just leave me. Then I'll know that you care about me. Then I'll know that I can trust you! If you're just going to keep things from me, then I don't know if I can trust you!"
"That's right." I said, getting up.
"There is absolutely no guarantee that you can trust me."
I slinked past him as best as I could without touching.
He actually backed away a bit when I rose up, I think he was surprised.
Maybe even shocked, snapping out of his outburst to truly take stock of what had taken place.
I wasn't going to let that opportunity go to waste.
"Excuse me. I will be heading home now. I am very tired."
"Wait-! Wait! Wait, you can't just leave me hanging like this- Ayanami! Wait!"
I simply huried up my steps and hoped that he wouldn't run after me.
To his credit, he didn't.
I knew from the beginning that I wanted to take some variant of that one "the truth hurts" dialogue from EoE and put it in a different, less esoteric context, to give it the space & context to ~land~, less as an omniscient narrator voice or socratic dialogue that these two characters are vehicles for, but as a dialogue between two individual people, because it is that, too.
