AN: I was wondering how Sirius knew about Harry not being allowed in Hogsmead and where he found a trained, if small owl to delivery his first letter. Here's my little head-cannon.
*I don't own these characters or story arcs, I just spend way to much time thinking about them*
** I disagree with JKR's bigoted views**
Warning: mentions of child abuse
"Your son is fucking brilliant, James!" The exhilarated shout was drowned by the whooshing of enormous wings and the whistle of cool early-summer air as the fugitives climbed higher. Higher into the air above the lake that was so familiar, yet so alien from this perspective. Adrenalin pumped through Sirius Black's veins as he exulted in the feeling. Freedom. So nearly lost forever. It almost hadn't sunk in, that he would keep his soul, his very essence would not be sucked out through his mouth… and they knew! Harry and Remus, both. They knew the truth and it was the sweetest feeling Sirius had known in twelve long, aching, soul crushing years.
Harry. He was incredible.
They flew higher, away from the castle that had been his first home; the first place he had experienced what it was like to love and be loved in return, the first place he had felt what it was like to have adults - one in particular - who cared about what he though, wanted, feared, felt. If only he had been able to see McGonagall again, to tell her the truth. What must she have thought when he was sent to prison for betraying his found family to Voldemort. Please don't let her have felt any guilt he thought, knowing it was probably in vain. But, there was still time, he still had a future.
The stinging loss was just as sharp as the thrill of escaping, again; snatched away from the dementors by his godson and that brilliant young witch he had befriended, Hermione. There hadn't been much time for introductions. Sirius hoped that the other friend, Ron, who he thought might be a Weasey, would be okay as well. Sirius wondered how he would have felt finding out his pet was not a rat, but a man, and a murderer at that, the betrayer of his best friend's parents….
Now, here he was, alive and gloriously free, but in danger from not only the dementors, but Peter as well. The Rat was likely on the hunt for any Death Eater who had never been sent to Azkaban and would look after him. If they could believe that Peter had not betrayed their Lord all those years ago. Or possibly, horribly, he might be looking for his ultimate protector, Voldemort. Sirius thought bitterly of the Death Eaters who had escaped the hell hole that was Azkaban prison. So many of them had. What a fucking joke that place was!
Sirius needed to get far away, somewhere safe, somewhere he could recover and think for a moment without watching his back. Somewhere to the south. Perhaps all the way to Africa… but, he needed to be within easy owl post range of Harry. He had failed so miserably in his duty as godfather. He at least owed Harry that much. To be able to answer his letters easily. Lily and her sister had not been close, at least not past her sixth year at Hogwarts, when she had shared some of her family troubles with him. Sirius and Lily were the only ones in their group of friends who had siblings; siblings they loved deeply, but who were completely and utterly different in their beliefs. Sirius had been surprised to find that he and Lily had this life-defining similarity.
She had understood. Understood why he could never completely abandon Regulus, even when he sank up to his ears in the Dark Arts. The two had bonded over that shared familial trauma. Petunia must have known little of the adult Lily had grown to be and much less of the man she married… Why had Dumbledore sent him there? No one left, he supposed, his heart aching with grief at all the loss of that single Halloween night in 1981 and the following weeks. Surely the Longbottoms would have taken Harry in had they been able to, but thanks to his deranged cousin, another boy had been forced to grow up without really knowing his parents.
Harry's face swam before in his mind's eye, as it had done so many times these past months, but this time it was more than the shadowed glimpse stolen last summer as Harry ran from his aunt and uncle's home in Surry. This time it was Harry as he truly was - the spitting image of James to be sure and so much more - 13 and grinning ear to ear, burning with excitement at the thought of living with his godfather… But why?
Finally, Sirius had a moment to process that joy, the giddy excitement in that look. How badly must Harry want to escape his relatives if he was willing to jump at the prospect of moving in with a man he barely knew? A man who Harry had thought responsible for the betrayal and murder of his parents until only an hour previously, less than an hour really. Sirius's heart clinched; he recognized that happiness all too well. It was happiness with a fair dose of desperation and longing… longing for something that might not even exist. It was the look he was sure he had worn in second year when James had invited him to the Potter's for Christmas break. It was the desperation of knowing anything was better than returning home.
Sirius must be reading too deeply into that look, being as excited as he was to meet and bond with his, now teenaged, godson. Harry couldn't be that desperate to leave his family. Possibly Harry was just going through a rebellious stage and was excited at the prospect of leaving his boring relatives for a more exciting living situation… Surly, Dumbledore would never have placed Harry in a home nearly as abusive as what he, Sirius, had experienced growing up…
Dumbledore would know… would check… wouldn't he? That line of thinking was brought to an abrupt halt as he recalled how secretive he had been when he started school. Sirius had never told anyone at Hogwarts, not his friends, not McGonagall, what horrors awaited him in the Noble and most Ancient House of Black. They had found out, of course. Sirius had thought he was very good at keeping a cool, calm, aloof and uncaring demeanor. He thought no one heard him crying in the dark of night with his bed hangings pulled shut. He had thought wrong of course. Remus, being the lightest sleeper of the lot, had crawled into his bed one evening and shared that he too knew what it was like to feel dread and be unable to escape it. Sirius had been embarrassed at first, but knowing someone else had nightmares helped. At first he had thought Remus must be from an abusive home as well, but of course Remus could truly never escape his fears. Sirius, at least, had been able to run to the Potter's in his moment of desperate need.
At least the muggles can't use magic on him, Sirius thought darkly. This line of thought brought him to his last friend, his lifeline, Moony.
Moony had not been able to escape his nightmare as Sirius had.
While Sirius had never been able to escape the number his family had done on his mental health, he had, blessedly, been able to escape physically.
Fleamont and Euphemia had treated him as nothing less than a son; they had given him a room and insisted on helping him with everything. His heart ached for the Potters, all of them. But, Moony. Poor Mooney had been alone these twelve years, with no one to transform with. No one to help ease his suffering. Sirius hoped that Remus would be able to get his hands on wolfsbane potion at the very least, but that was doubtful. Remus and his family had never been well off; they got by and their home was full of love, books, home cooked meals and laughter - everything that meant anything. Sirius felt a cold dread at the realization that Remus had almost certainly never tried wolfsbane potion until getting hired as a professor at Hogwarts this past year.
The corners of his mouth quirked in a smile as he remembered the other Marauders teasing their bookish and helpful friend by calling him Professor Moony; he who was forever tutoring students who needed a hand in this or that subject. Sirius had even bought him a briefcase with 'Professor R. J. Lupin' printed in gold lettering when, in fifth year, Remus had been named the Gryffindor prefect. Did he still have that case? Or had he destroyed it when he thought Sirius was the one that ruined all their lives that Halloween night. Sirius would understand if he had, for he still felt guilty, so very guilty.
Damn his uncontrollable emotions, damn his impulsiveness, why had he not sought Remus out before going after that damn that rat! Remus would have been able to think of the right way to go about it; he was always the mastermind of any prank that was pulled off without getting them in trouble.
At that moment, Sirius vowed to himself to think before he acted next time. Or, at the very least, ask Remus what he thought they should do first. Remus! Remus had been with Harry all year! Had taught him. Remus would know the truth of Harry's life with his relatives. Remus would, hopefully, be headed back to his family's cottage in Wales when term ended.
Please let him still live there, Sirius thought as he urged Buckbeak to turn slightly to the west. He would make a stop in Wales before heading farther south. He needed to write to Harry anyway. He hadn't even been able to ask how Harry had liked his Christmas present.
As the first light of dawn crept into the eastern sky Sirius urged the hippogriff downward; they both desperately needed rest and flying in daylight with no means of being invisible was out of the question. They touched down in a wild patch of woods that may have still been part of Scotland. He wished, not for the first time, that he had a map. Sense of direction was so much easier as a dog; it was natural to know where one was headed, easy to avoid unwanted eyes. However, traveling as a dog had taken months and he definitely didn't have the time for that now that Peter was on the loose and able to share the knowledge that Sirius was an animagus.
This trip would doubtless take a few days and they needed to be very careful while still in the United Kingdom.
—
It took four nights of flying to reach the north of Wales where, Sirius was desperately hoping, Remus lived. The cottage was hidden in a very hilly area within a small stand of trees. Idly Sirius wondered if Remus's father was still alive; Lyall hadn't been very old when it all fell apart. If so, that could present a problem. Sirius did not want to put any Lupins in danger. Well, I'll just have to get Remus's attention as a dog and speak to him away from the cottage. Sirius thought; he had come too far and was too close to give up now.
Being alone with his thoughts these past few days wasn't helping ease his mind. Regret and deep, physically painful, guilt had been his companions for many years. After seeing Harry and, for a glorious half-hour, believing that his name would be cleared and he could fulfill his sworn duty as godfather, the feelings had intensified to an all encompassing obsession. The need to know, really know, was paramount.
There had been moments during this journey where he had almost changed his mind and headed south. A war raged in his head. The desire to keep his friend out of any trouble battled with his new fears. Remembering Harry's face, he knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't learn the truth of his godson's living situation. At the very, very least, he could tell Harry that he understood and was always available if Harry needed… Well, he didn't have much to offer, but he could at least tell Harry about James and Lily and answer any questions he might have. If the answers were safe to put in a letter. That was something, wasn't it? He hoped he was wrong about the Dursleys.
Please, let me be wrong.
As the predawn light began to creep into the eastern sky, Sirius and Buckbeak made their final descent into the wild, Welsh countryside. Knowing of a sizable cave in the cliffs not far from the Lupin cottage, he directed Buckbeak to land on the beach so that they could walk to shelter. The path was narrow, but not too small, thank Merlin, to accommodate a hippogriff. He had forgotten so much thanks to the dementors constant assault on his mind, almost wondering whether he had dreamed it all. Sometimes his memories felt like dreams and vice versa.
The memories, sharp as the sea air, struck Sirius as he led the way up to a place he and the other Marauders had spent many an hour. That cave had been their secret place. Sirius smiled as he remembered the time Remus had asked if they wanted to try a muggle drug called marijuana. Of course, they had wanted to try it. Remus said he had drunk a tea made from it as it supposedly had medicinal effects like pain and insomnia relief as well as promoting relaxation. In short, all the things that Remus was forced to experience once every twenty-eight days. Apparently Lyall, having married a muggle, tried to learn as much as he could about muggles and how they dealt with illness without magic. Even though it was illegal, Lyall never stopped trying to find ways to help Remus during those horrible transformations. That was what family was supposed to do.
Try muggle drugs? Sirius said had said, almost bouncing with excitement, of fucking course! Oh, if only my mother could see me now. He clapped a hand to his chest and pretended to swoon, the shame! Sirius had winked at Remus, Funny that our Professor Mooney here, prefect and all, is offering us illicit substances!
Muggles make the strangest things illegal Remus had commented. That's what my dad said anyway.
They spent that evening taking turns picking out records to play, munching on sweets and laughing uncontrollably at the smallest thing. The full moon that followed was an especially good one, even Remus said so.
It became a bit of a tradition with them, to smoke and listen to muggle music around the full moon, as Remus wasn't up to much else and they had all enjoyed it. Sirius smiled, remembering a night, mere weeks after graduation, where Lily had been convinced to try it. She and Sirius had ended up dancing around the living room of Sirius and Remus's small flat in London, singing Fleetwood Mac songs together - to the great amusement of the other boys - Lily's shawl draped around his shoulders as he channeled Stevie Nicks.
Sirius had spent much more time at the Potter's house; he went there almost every school holiday unless the Marauders were staying at Hogwarts for some reason, usually because a full moon was imminent and they had to be with Remus. Of course, Fleamont and Euphemia Potter had saved his life by insisting that he move in permanently the summer before sixth year. Sirius hadn't wanted to impose, but they wouldn't hear of him living alone when they "have more room than we know what to do with and have always considered you a second son, Sirius love. You'll stay and stop apologizing for being here!"
Smiling, Sirius led Buckbeak into the large cave. All of the Marauders spent a lot of time at the Potter mansion, but Sirius had loved the times they had been able to come to Wales. It was beautiful and wild and made him feel so alive - so connected to the rhythms of the planet - what with the ocean being nearby and the weather that could turn in a heartbeat.
A few times, he alone had come to stay with Remus and his parents. Hope Lupin was one of the kindest people Sirius had ever met and the first muggle he had truly gotten to know. Really the only muggle he had gotten to know… she used to make the boys help her in the kitchen saying "men need to be able to look after themselves and their families as well! Sometimes we women just want to read a book of an evening." Remus's love of literature and reading had obviously come from her; his kind and selfless disposition as well.
Getting Buckbeak settled in the back of the cave was not hard as he had flown tirelessly for nights and clearly was ready for a long sleep.
"Thank you," Sirius said to the hippogriff, voice almost breaking, as he stroked the beautiful animal's head, "you have been incredible, Buckbeak, and you saved my life. We can do this, we'll get somewhere much safer soon. We'll fly south tonight or tomorrow night and I promise we won't fly as hard or as long in one go from now on."
The hippogriff made a deep rumbling sound and pressed his head into the hand Sirius was stroking him with. "Now, I have to go on a little fact finding mission. Won't be gone long. I'll make sure to bring you some food when I come back, but it looks like there are still plenty of rodents about, so have at them, but don't leave the cave with the sun up. Gotta stay hidden, old chap." With a final pat, Sirius headed for the mouth of the cave and transformed into the large black dog. He resembled a huge black German shepherd, but with slightly shaggier fur.
Padfoot trotted back down the path to the rocky beach where he looked around for any humans before heading to the well traveled path that led up to the top of the cliffs. It was a section of beach that rarely had many human visitors, but he wasn't going to let his guard down now that he was so close to the answers he needed.
As he was about to get to the top of the cliff he stopped again to take in the scents on the air: grass, dirt, trees, sheep somewhere farther off, wild animals of all kinds, nothing human thankfully. He crept up onto the cliff top, staying low as he got his bearings visually. Sensing nothing off or harmful, he broke into an easy loping run, heading down the path that would take him south along the top of the cliffs before veering off into the foothills. Then, then he'd be there.
He'd find the small stone cottage surrounded by a low stone wall protecting the garden. He could picture it vividly, nestled in a small copse of woods between two rocky hills. Running down this path bought vivid memories once again and piercing, painful, feelings of loss.
Pack.
Pack had been here together. Padfoot and Moony had been here together. Had been happy, so desperately happy, not knowing that it would, all too soon, be ripped away from them.
They had been so young, so certain that they would see each other through that horrible war and come out on the other side, perhaps a little broken, a little more world-weary, but alive and whole and always together.
Until the very end James had said the Marauders stick together and have each other's backs.
Dear, dear James. Noble, stubborn, always laughing even in the darkest of times - keeping spirits up and hope alive - fiercely loyal and trusting; James refused to hear a word against any of his friends. Sirius had never voiced his deeply hidden and often ignored feelings that Remus's missions were changing him, that he could have been the spy? James had gotten furious when Peter had hinted at that possibility and nearly threw him out before receiving a stammering apology from The Rat.
Sirius felt so horribly guilty now; of course it would never have been Remus. Of course he had to keep his missions a secret, Dumbledore had surely made him swear to keep it that way and Remus owed his education, and therefore his whole life, to Dumbledore. How could he have missed that it was Peter? Had he let Peter's comments about Remus get to him? Of course he had. He wanted to know where Remus went for so long and why he was always so desperately sad when he was packing to leave… Of course Remus didn't want to leave them, of course he would have preferred to be on missions with James and Sirius instead of being forced into the darkest corners of the creature underworld.
Once, when he returned from an especially taxing mission, Remus had broken down over a cup of tea, said he didn't think he could do it anymore, wanted to do anything else, that it wasn't even really working, but he knew he was the only one. As kind as Dumbledore had been to the child Remus, Sirius felt that the Professor had used that loyalty to his advantage without taking into account what Remus might want.
Sirius stopped on the trail, shook himself, he was getting lost in his own thoughts, rare in dog form, but in this place that held so many memories of happier times he could not keep from drifting. Sirius sniffed the breeze again, he was very close, he could smell the wooded area that surrounded the cottage, it was just over this hill.
He decided to veer off the path and approach the cottage from behind so as to assess if anyone other than Remus was living there. Creeping through the trees, getting closer and closer, his heart swelled. If all went well, if Remus did still live here, he was about to see Moony again. His best friend and the only person he had in this world who knew him, had always known him, and Remus had already forgiven him.
Bloody brilliant, Moony was.
He wanted to have a real conversation with the last Marauder, and needed to know how he had been these past years. How he had gone on thinking Peter was dead and that Sirius had betrayed James and Lily… Poor Moony.
Creeping through the trees even more slowly now as he was about to be within eyesight of the cottage, he smelled something familiar. There it was. The stone cottage looked quite run down and he immediately knew that no one had been living here for a while. Maybe Remus didn't live here anymore… but, the roof was in good order and, while overgrown, the garden didn't look like it had been abandoned for years.
A tiny flame of hope Sirius had been nurturing sparked a little higher as he crept over to the stone wall and placed his front paws on it for a better look. Yes, it looked like someone had been living here not too long ago.
And then he smelled it, what he had been desperately hoping for, the smell of a member of his Pack, Mooney. He wasn't very far away either and he must be alone for Sirius's dog nose would pick up any other humans in the vicinity. The scent was coming from the direction of the foot path that led to the gate in front of the house. Sirius happily bounded around to that gate and sat before it, tail already wagging madly.
Then, in the blink of an eye, Remus was emerging from the woods, looking like he was still suffering the after effects of a full werewolf transformation, yet wonderfully alive and there and smiling a little as though happy to be back in this beautiful place.
Remus looked up as Sirius bounded forward to meet him halfway between house and trees. Sirius could not help himself, after bounding around in a tight circle, he jumped and gently placed his front paws on the tall, lanky man's chest.
The small smile was gone from Remus's face. "Padfoot! You shouldn't be here!" He looked around wildly as though to make sure they weren't being watched. Remus pulled his wand from a pocket and cast a protection charm followed by an alarm spell that would alert him to any human crossing its boundary.
"Why are you here? Wait, don't answer that here." Sirius sat down in front of Remus and whined before laying all the way down and placing his head between his front paws, giving Remus the most pitiful puppy eyes he could manage. This was a move that had never failed to work on his soft-hearted friend.
"Fucking fine. You can come in, for a minute! If you don't have the best damn excuse for showing up here, I'll -" Remus glared as he started walking to the gate "I'll be fucking pissed is what."
A smile threatened to break through Remus's anger as Padfoot slinked, tail tucked, through the gate, looking back at Remus with a whine and one more dose of innocent and pleading puppy eyes.
Remus pointed his wand at the door; magical and physical locks were all disabled before he opened it and let Padfoot enter before him, giving one more nervous glance around the clearing where the cottage was situated.
As soon as the door was shut and locked again, Sirius transformed back into himself, grinning broadly and moving to pull Remus into a tight hug. "Thank you, Remus, truly. I was going to leave immediately and go south, but I just… I couldn't go without seeing you again."
Remus returned the hug, but his face was a study in worry, "so this is just a social call? I know you're reckless, but Merlin fuck, Sirius, people know we were friends. The aurors came calling last summer asking if I knew anything about your whereabouts. They are bound to come again, especially since I was at Hogwarts all year and you just escaped from there!" Remus held the other man at arms length, studying the feverish look in his eyes, Sirius had another motive, he looked desperate….
"No, no. I'll leave right this second if you can tell me one thing…"
"Okay…" Remus looked puzzled and concerned.
Sirius ran a hand through his wild hair, so unlike what it had looked like before, and began pacing back and forth in the small living room. "If you can tell me that Harry…that he's…" his voice cracked with barely controlled emotion "he's happy. With his aunt and uncle." Sirius stopped and looked back at Remus with a pleading look, his hands reaching towards Remus, begging, hoping his suspicions about Harry's relatives had been an overreaction, that he was reading too much into the tiny clues he had.
Remus took a deep breath, looked down, unable to meet Sirius's eyes. He considered lying, to keep Sirius safe and make sure he didn't do anything impulsive and possibly life-ending, but he knew the other man would, probably already had, guessed the truth. Sirius Black was nothing if not surprisingly perceptive of other people's feelings. Remus had always had a great poker face and was able to hide most of his feelings from everyone - not Sirius, never Sirius. Perhaps his affinity with the dog had something to do with that. Annoyingly intuitive, those animals were.
"I…" Remus took a deep breath before meeting Sirius's eyes and continuing "I think we should sit down and have a drink."
Fuck, I'm not wrong thought Sirius, his heart beating faster. He had managed to keep the flame of hope alive; hope that he was reading far too deeply into his short meeting with Harry. No. Damn those muggles.
"Thank you Remus!" Sirius relaxed a bit and stepped forward to hug his old friend once more, still stunned that he was able to touch someone again, was able to feel real human connection. It felt so good.
Sirius never thought he would make it this far when he broke out of Azkaban. Having always been the most impulsive Marauder, he was sure he'd have slipped up by now and be worse than dead. His emotions drove him, always had, swinging wildly from the deepest despair to giddy happiness over the course of one day, one hour, one minute. When he had seen that photo of Peter, sitting on the shoulder of a boy Harry's age - a boy who would unknowingly allow the Rat access to his godson - he hadn't thought. He had acted. The mind numbing depression that was not only an effect of the dementors, but of his own guilt and desire to not allow his most precious and rare happy memories to be stolen. He had switched to a reckless determination to see Peter dealt with once and for all. That passion had carried him through the entire year, driving him onwards to Hogwarts after stopping for that precious glimpse of Harry.
Remus pulled away gently and gestured to the next room, the cozy kitchen in which they had been taught how to cook the muggle way. Sirius couldn't help smiling a bit, remembering all the times that skill had come in very handy. In fact, he'd never learned to cook with magic other than boiling a kettle quickly or lighting the stove from a distance. It wasn't something pureblood wizards from an ancient house learned, or would ever need.
The room was dusty as it had not been used in about nine months. Remus flicked his wand to remove the buildup from the table, chairs and counter tops before moving to a cabinet where he silently withdrew an unopened bottle of firewhisky and two glasses.
After sitting down across from Sirius and pouring them both generous portions of the amber liquid he said softly, "I… Padfoot I…" He closed his eyes, buried his face in his hands before continuing, voice muffled, "the dementors were hard on him, the things they made him remember… no child should have such an adverse reaction to dementors. He fainted! Multiple times. Almost died when it happened during a quidditch match." Remus was speaking loudly and angrily now, fists gripping his graying hair. Remus had always been the mild-mannered Marauder, until he wasn't. Until something precious to him was threatened.
Sirius looked horrified, "What?" He took a large gulp of his firewhisky, "did he say anything about what they made him remember?" Sirius was struggling to keep himself in the present as memories clawed at him, threatening to pull him under; memories of his first encounter with dementors, the things he'd been forced to relive… curses from people who were supposed to care for him, being unable to protect Regulus… at least he hadn't come face to face with one until after Hogwarts. Harry was only 13 - a child.
"Yes." Remus looked up at Sirius and took a swig of his drink, his face a mask, a stormy mask with anger and grief just under the surface, about to bubble over.
"He…" Remus gulped, "he heard them, Padfoot. James and Lily... mostly Lily, but once… after I had revived him and we were speaking about the effects of dementors, he told me he had just heard James yelling at Lily to run, that he would hold off Voldemort… and Lily… I know he heard her more than once, pleading with Voldemort to spare Harry and take her instead…" Remus's eyes were filled with tears by this point and he let them fall. Sirius's face was a study in rapid fire emotions: terrible grief, guilt, blinding anger, sorrow as deep as the ocean and pain, so much pain.
There were no words. 'Brave, brave Prongs…noble, selfless, perfect Lily, of course they fought until the very end,' Sirius thought, only able to reach across the table and grab Remus's now shaking hand. They sat for a moment, Sirius still trying to process the horror of it all, Remus, resigned to what he knew, but no less heart broken.
"Fuck." Sirius finally said.
Remus nodded and drank another gulp. This was much worse than Sirius had imagined and they hadn't even broached the subject of why Harry wanted to leave his bloody relatives so badly.
"He was able to learn the patronus though, right? You're a brilliant teacher. He never had to hear that again, right? I know someone drove them off that night. It was Harry, wasn't it?"
Nodding, Remus poured himself a bit more fire whisky, "he was indeed. I've never seen a third year master such a difficult spell."
"That's James's son! Of course he could, especially with you to teach him." Sirius tried to stabilize his voice, but didn't think it had worked.
Remus was still looking sad, his thoughts were obviously far away, as he stared down into his glass.
"What? What's wrong? Don't tell me there are… other memories?" Sirius felt panic bubble up again.
"Not from the dementors." Remus spoke quietly and slowly as though every word cost him a great deal.
"Casting the spell? Moony, tell me! Did he have as much trouble as I did?" Sirius was horrified at this realization. He and his friends had learned the patronus charm in fifth year and Sirius had more trouble than all of his friends trying to hold a happy memory in his head long enough to grasp the spell that was a personification of joy, protection, happiness and love. Whenever he had a memory that was happy enough, his mind kept serving up reasons he shouldn't be happy or made connections to the horrible reality that those few memories were all he had to draw upon. Nothing from before his Hogwarts days worked. Remus had confronted him on the astronomy tower where he had been smoking and feeling sorry for himself, telling him to focus more on the feeling and less on the actual events. Eventually, with much patience and encouragement from Remus, he'd managed it. It was one of the things he was most grateful for: Remus, helping him get around his own treacherous mind to a place where he could just be happy, even for a moment. It had changed his whole life, really, those practice sessions together. He had gained a whole new perspective. A new way of focusing his mind. His first Christmas at the Potters was more than happy enough, as long as he didn't allow himself to be drawn back to the darkness of why that time was so precious to him.
"He had… different problems. His mind isn't as prone to dragging him into dark corners as yours, dear Padfoot." Remus smiled a little, looking up for the first time in minutes, also remembering those lessons in fifth year. "There was one similarity though… it almost broke me, to tell you the truth. I almost wrapped the poor boy in my arms, but of course, he doesn't know me… I'm not Uncle Moony… nothing is as it should have been…" Remus trailed off, a bitterness entering his voice.
"What was it?" Sirius demanded, horrified that he already knew the answer.
"I got the impression that none of his memories before Hogwarts would have worked." Remus almost growled these words. "He stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas and Easter… I don't think they are as physically abusive as your parents and can't use magic of course, but they have certainly been neglectful. Whenever I saw him out of uniform, his clothes were so obviously ill-fitting and second hand, I wished I could buy him something new, or, at least something his size."
Sirius slammed his fist down on the table, angry tears welling in his stormy gray eyes. "Fuck! I knew it. I fucking knew it. He looks so much like James, but there's just something missing… James was always so happy, almost glowing, it was so obvious that he was loved. There was even enough left over for me…"
"He does have incredible friends, Sirius. The Weasleys especially have been wonderful to him. From what I gather, he spent most of summer before second year at their home. Hermione is the brightest witch of her age I've ever met. At least he has them and only has to spend a few months of the year with the Dursleys." Remus shook his head, knowing it wasn't a good enough answer, desperately wishing he could deliver better news to the distraught man sitting across from him.
"Yes, well, having the best possible life at school is all well and good - it saved me - but it doesn't change the fact that he's grown up with people who don't want him and don't care for him. That can fuck a man up for life, you know? Look at me. Look where I've ended up." Sirius felt an intense desire to leave for Surry immediately and just take Harry with him, wherever he ended up going. "What else do you know about these Dursleys? All I know is that Petunia and her husband hated Lily for being a witch and were incredibly rude to James the one time they agreed to have dinner."
"I don't know very much, but I did try to gather information where I could while I was teaching, without being too overly nosey about the famous Potter boy." Remus leaned back in his chair and looked over his glass at Sirius while he sipped, "don't do anything rash, or I'll stop talking now. I can see those wheels turning in your head. Harry needs you alive. He needs to be able to, at the very least, write to you. He needs someone in his corner who cares about him, not just what he can offer the wizarding world."
"I know." Sirius couldn't do much, but he could be there for Harry from afar, he could tell him all about James and the Marauders and how much his parents had loved him. How much they had all loved him.
"Go on then."
"Well, I asked the Weasley twins if they could tell me anything they knew about Harry's family. Told them I was giving Harry private lessons and anything they knew might help Harry with his dementor problem. They are the beaters on the quidditch team and while I think they care deeply for Harry, they are fifteen and pretended that it was all for the House Cup." Sirius let out an involuntary snort, shaking his head; for some reason, he liked the sound of these twins.
"What did they know?"
"Well, more than I was expecting actually. They are the reason I know that Harry spent half the summer with them two years ago. It seems that Ron was sending letters to Harry multiple times a week and never received a reply. Ron apparently confided in his brothers that he was worried about Harry, told them that the muggles he lived with were awful and didn't even send Harry a Christmas present in first year -"
"Those absolute bastards! How could they treat their nephew with such…such…fuck!" Sirius almost got up again to pace, but seeing Remus's expression, settled back down. "Sorry, continue." He drank deeply from his glass.
"Well, Arthur Weasley and you would probably get along very well. He owned, at that time, a flying Ford Anglia which the boys stole one night and took on a rescue mission to get Harry." Remus was smirking a little at the look on Sirius's face - it was a mix of pride, excitement and boyish curiously.
"A flying car! They stole it to go rescue Harry! You're right, Remus, Harry has definitely made the right kind of friends." Finally something he could smile about. Sirius raised his glass to Remus and downed the rest in admiration of the Weasley's bravery, daring and kindness to a boy in need. Gryffindor to the core, that family. In his mind's eye, it was the Prewett twins in the front seat of that flying car. Remus refilled his glass.
"Yes, it worked too, they got him out of there…only, it was worse than they thought." Remus continued with a dower look, "the Dursley's weren't just keeping Harry's post from him, they were actively trying to keep him from going back to school. They locked his trunk away in a cupboard under the stairs and his owl in her cage so he couldn't get any messages out. They even… Sirius, you cannot do anything to them." He fixed Sirius with a deadly serious stare. Sirius raised his hands to show he had no plans of acting on his fantasies. "Alright. They also locked Harry in his room and put bars on the window."
The momentary joy that Sirius had felt at imagining Harry escaping a boring muggle suburb in a flying car was quashed faster than a speeding bludger. "They… what? Bars! Was he being fed? I thought he looked too skinny. Of course James was always a rail, but there's a difference…between that and being underfed."
"I honestly don't know, that was all the boys told me." Remus sighed and looked over at his friend. "I wish I could say that I don't think so, but truth be told, I'm almost sure he wasn't being fed as much as a child his age should be."
Sirius knew what it was like to be trapped, hungry, isolated and unable to do anything about it. His first summer home after Hogwarts had been an absolute nightmare. Furious at their son for not only having the nerve to be sorted into Gryffindor, but also befriending 'blood-traitors, half-bloods, dimwits and a mudblood,' Sirius had been locked in his room all summer, only allowed out to use the bathroom or be abused - verbally, physically, mentally… The Blacks didn't want to be seen starving their then heir to death, they had fed him, but not much. About the same amount and quality he had been given in Azkaban actually. Probably what the house elves ate. Without Regulus, he may have given in to the pressure, he may have told his best friends that he wanted nothing to do with them for the rest of their time at school. Regulus had always looked up to his older brother and wanted to do anything he could to help - he had slipped Sirius extra food and even intercepted a letter from James and sent a reply back on Sirius's behalf. Yes, Sirius knew what it was like: the despair, the longing, the lonely, hungry nights tossing and turning in bed.
"How? How could this happen to Lily and James's son?" Sirius pleaded, looking at Remus, needing…something… "He was so loved. We all loved, love, him so much!" There was a pause before Sirius buried his face in his hands and shakily continued. "I know. I know it's my fault. If I hadn't gone after Peter… if I had had the sense to go to Dumbledore and tell him what I knew, if I had only sent you a patronus. I'm so sorry we didn't tell you, Moony."
Remus' heart broke a little more at the defeated look on Sirius's face. "No. No, Pads, you can't blame yourself. I would have done the same thing in your place. I would have wanted nothing but revenge. Besides, there's no point blaming ourselves. We can only change the future. I wasn't in prison, I wasn't in hiding, I should have stayed close, kept an eye on Harry, at the very least. Of course there is no way a child would have been placed with someone like me, but I was so wrapped up in my own sorrows and regrets… I didn't know how horrible they would be! They are his family after all. I thought they might be a bit boring, a bit strict, but never did I imagine they could be so cruel."
"Moony - " Sirius started, but Remus quickly cut him off, as though he had longed to voice these thoughts.
"I went to visit him, you know?" Remus stared ahead, not seeing anything in front of him. "After the funerals… all the funerals… I needed to see proof that it hadn't all been a dream. That Harry was a real, living testament to the truth that Lily and James had lived and loved…" He trailed off for a second in which Sirius reached over and clapped a hand on his shoulder, silently willing strength and forgiveness into the other broken man. "I went there. Harry recognized me," Remus was smiling the saddest smile Sirius had ever seen, "he called me Mooey, he toddled over to me as fast as he could when Mrs. Dursley answered the door. He must have heard me, recognized my voice… and I held him and told him how sorry I was and that I loved him and James and Lily loved him so much…" a world weary sign escaped his lips. "I told her that I wanted to be part of Harry's life, that I would babysit and make sure he knew all about his mother and father." At this point, Remus's voice cracked and he looked down at the table again, fiddling with his glass.
"What did she say?" Sirius was looking on with intense concern and burning curiosity.
"She told me that if I wanted to teach him about his 'freak' parents and their 'freak' world, that I should take him myself and never darken her doorstep again." Now Remus's face was granite. "I considered it. I wanted to." He turned to look Sirius in the eyes, "but how could I? I turn into a vicious monster once a month, have done since I was five. What if something had happened and Harry ended up like me? I knew I couldn't do it… but… I think… I made the wrong choice… Dumbledore disagrees."
"Why did Dumbledore send him there!" Sirius demanded. "He should have made sure you had the resources you needed to take Harry yourself! He could have made sure you had wolfsbane, it was new then, but it was available to someone like him! Why would Dumbledore send Harry there? Why the fuck would he subject a child to that kind of home?"
Remus sighed again "for the same reason he's still there now, despite the Weasley's offering to take him on school holidays. There is blood protection only available in Petunia Dursley's home. As long as he is there, as long as he calls that place home and returns for a short time every summer, the sacrifice his mother made keeps him safe. He has to live with a blood relative of Lily and that bitch is all that is left."
Sirius sat stunned for a moment. "So, that's why?" He gulped, blood magic, old magic. "That's why Voldemort couldn't kill him? Lily's sacrifice?"
Remus nodded slowly.
"Well," Sirius said, reeling with this new information, "well, fuck. Doesn't change the fact that he's not safe there. What does McGonagall think of all this? She saw right through me when I started at school. She always had my back, helped me realize how lucky I was to have you all as friends, helped me to know that it was good and right to disagree with my family if it meant standing up for what I believe in. Is she helping Harry?"
Remus smiled, a real smile, before saying "well, she offered him a position on the Gryffindor quidditch team in his first year - the first few weeks of school, I believe - and bought him a top of the line broomstick. I'd say she's doing her very best to make his life there as wonderful as possible, under the circumstances. She can't overrule Dumbledore, even if she wanted to."
Sirius smiled a genuine smile, "good old Minnie. Thank Merlin for her. I very much doubt if I would have made it through school without her help. When my parents tried to send me abroad, she stood up for me. After they left, she said she was proud to have me in her house and that blood doesn't always mean family... told me to trust my friends…" He looked out the dusty window for a long moment before turning back to Remus and saying, in a quiet and vulnerable tone, "what can I do now, Moony? His grandparents took me in when I had nowhere to go and now I can't even help when I know he's suffering…"
"You can be there for him, be someone he can trust," Remus's voice was a little louder than it needed to be, obviously trying to sound certain, "we'll look for Peter. We won't rest until your name is cleared." His voice became stronger and more solid as he spoke, "and, in the meantime, why don't you write him a letter? The train leaves tomorrow - maybe you can get it to him before he gets back to London. In fact, I do know something a little more tangible you could do for him."
Sirius perked up, looking for all the world like a dog who had just heard a crisp bag opening. "What?"
"Well, Harry's aunt and uncle didn't sign his Hogsmead permission slip - " Remus started.
"Bastards!"
"Indeed. I didn't ask, but I do believe they were purposefully withholding." Remus thought back on the year he had spent as Harry's professor, so much less than they should have had together, but more than he thought possible. "He spent some of those weekends visiting me… it was good to get to know him, but he certainly would have preferred being in Zonko's or Honeydukes. I may disagree with some of his decisions, but Dumbledore does want Harry to be happy, I think he'll accept your permission."
Sirius's face broke into a wide grin. Maybe he could make a small difference. Feeble as it seemed, it would make a difference. It would have been incredibly hard, as a young teenager, to watch his friends run off to explore the village without him. "You're brilliant, Remus! Have you got parchment? Zonko's, eh? So he does have a touch of Marauder in him after all?"
"Oh, more than a touch I'd say!" Remus was grinning too. "I did have to confiscate the map from him, remember?"
An indignant look crept over Sirius's face and his eyes narrowed. "That was a bit harsh, Professor Moony! Was he using it to sneak into the village?"
"Certainly he was." Remus's grin reached all the way to his eyes and Sirius caught a glimpse of the boy he had known, innocent looking, yet the mastermind of most of their more successful pranks. "I had to do it. Thought you were a murderer after all and Snape was trying to prove that he'd left the castle, so I thought it best. Plus, I never would have seen you and Peter had I not taken it. I admit, nostalgia was a factor. I wanted to hold it again and see how it had held up over the years. Perfectly, I might add."
"Snape. Fucking Snivellus!"
"God, I wish you had been there to see the map at work. Insulted the pants of old Snape, it did. Mister Padfood 'registered his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.' One of the more inventive insults it came up with." Remus laughed at the look of pure satisfaction that spread across Sirius's face.
"I have wondered, you know. Why did Dumbledore let him have a teaching position?" Sirius sat back in his chair and finished off his glass of firewhisky, looking offended and haughty.
"He offered me a job…" Remus said quietly.
"Of course he did," Sirius said, astonished that Remus would compare himself with Snape. "You're brilliant, Remus! And you were never even close to being a deatheater! Snape had to have joined up, what with the company he kept at school. They all did!"
"Dumbledore trusts him," Remus raised his hand to silence whatever insult Sirius had been about to levy at Snape, "as he trusted me, both at school and now. I trust Dumbledore. He must have his reasons and that's good enough for me. Professor Snape also made me wolfsbane potion every month; he made it perfectly and I can't help being thankful for that. It's not easy to get a hold of and it was the only way to safely work there." Remus looked resigned.
Sirius grimaced and said "yes, well, that was good of him, but I'm sure Dumbledore was behind it. Could you," Sirius looked over at his friend before continuing in a cautious tone, "if you had the money, could you get it from someone else?"
Remus snorted. "I've saved quite a bit of my Hogwarts salary, to be sure, but not nearly enough for that kind of expense every month. Don't worry about me. It's not like I haven't been transforming for years without it."
"But I do." Sirius was not taking his eyes off Remus now. "I do worry about you."
Remus kept his eyes on the table.
"I kept track of time in…that place… by watching the moon," Sirius said softly, "and I regretted not being there for you, knowing you had no one to transform with. Add it to the list of things that I destroyed… I'm so sorry…"
Remus looked up and met Sirius's eyes. "Thank you, Padfoot, but I can't take your money." His voice was hard, decided.
"I can't really use it while on the run," Sirius continued, "there's nothing I'd rather spend it on than helping you. Buying Harry the firebolt was fun, made me feel like a proper godfather, but this would set my mind at ease about leaving the country… leaving you…"
"I'll think about it." Remus said, which Sirius knew meant no, but he would keep trying. He was nothing if not persistent. Remus was as stubborn as a mule, but Sirius had sometimes been able to get past that and help in little ways.
"You should write your letter." Remus said, standing up and walking over to a drawer. "I haven't got an owl of my own, but there is a funny little one that was hanging around all last summer. I think he was abandoned by wizards; he seemed very eager to deliver mail for me. Kept showing up in the morning and offering his leg. I had no one to write to, so… I'm not sure if he's still around, but maybe. If not, I'll post it for you."
Sirius took the hint and decided to wait a few weeks before attempting to acquire the potion for his last friend. "Abandoned? A trained post owl?"
"Well, he's a bit small. I'd keep your letter short. But I'm sure he can do the job." Remus had a half smile on his face as he handed over parchment and a quill.
