DISCLAIMER: Hawaii Five-0 and it's characters do not belong to me.
A/N: Hi everyone, to all those that reviewed and faved this story, thank you! Hope y'all enjoy this chapter as well!
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Danny: Miss you already.
His thumb circled the screen. Three words somehow managed to fill his heart immensely. It was ridiculous to miss someone after barely an hour but he knew those words were sincere. If only because he was already missing Danny too. He had barely left the island, yet there was a gaping hole in his chest.
He peered over his shoulder at Catherine sleeping in the seat next to him, her fingers intertwined in his felt foreign. She was the last person he had expected to see on the plane. To be honest, he had fully expected Danny to come after him. Just like he always did. North Korea, Afghanistan, Washington. Danny always came. With an innocent, if playful smirk on his face that said "You think you could get rid of me so easily?".
And that was the reason he had booked the flight barely a week after his friend's near-death encounter. Not because he was an emotionless monster who would leave his brother alone when Danny needed him the most. But he knew his friend only too well. And he feared that Danny would follow him if given a chance. Which was why he never gave Danny that chance. He left when his friend was hardly able to walk the distance from the living room to the lanai, much less to trail after him to the airport on a plane. Danny should not have even been out of the hospital yet, and he was pretty sure Doctor Lea had agreed to discharge his partner the night before if only to prevent her ears from falling off with Danny's incessant nagging (the nagging that he was more than grateful to still be able to hear).
But still, somehow, there was a tiny voice in his chest that told him Danny would come. Hobbling with his cane, fully loaded with a rant that would last the entirety of the flight, sitting next to him and keeping him company like always. Except it wasn't Danny who was next to him.
It was Catherine.
And he wasn't sure exactly what he felt about that. He should be happy. He really should be. Wasn't this what he had always wanted? But for some reason, he could no longer feel anything. There were no emotions left in him.
All he could think about was that he was missing something. Something important… And he knew exactly what it was. He was leaving the most important thing in his life behind. The person he cared about most, even more than himself (it was the one thing Daiyu Mei had been right about).
His heart ached, tears springing into his eyes. I miss you too, Danno, the unsaid words rolled around in his head, repeating itself in the confines of his darkened mind that kept replaying images of his friend on loop.
Catherine fidgeted in her seat, her head landing on his shoulder and he turned to look at her. She had asked him if he was ready. He wasn't sure what for. To run away? To start anew? To start anew with her? To leave his past behind him? To leave his family who had not once left him?
He had said yes, anyway. Because even if he didn't have an ounce of readiness in him. Even if his chest was congested with the guilt of abandoning his Ohana, deep down, he knew. He knew he was doing the right thing. This was the right thing to do.
Even if it hurt him, even if it hurt everyone around him. Leaving was the right thing to do. He could no longer protect the people he loved, he could only cause them harm. So the right thing for him to do was stay away from them.
Yes, this is most definitely the right thing to do.
Staying away from Danny who had had to pay a huge price for being his friend, being someone important to him was the right thing to do. He knew he had hurt his friend. He had seen Danny's struggle to keep his tears to himself. He had seen through his partner's desperate act to seem alright. He had seen Danny's refusal to even look at him when he uttered the words they had always so casually thrown at each other 'Love you too, buddy.'
He had pretended not to see the hurt on Danny's face. The hurt that he too was feeling. He didn't want to leave his Ohana. Who knew that the man he had almost shot at first sight had become one of his most trusted family. And who knew that one day, he would have to say goodbye to Danny and never see him again. Yes, never. He wasn't coming back. not as long as he still posed a danger to the people he loved... not as long as he was still breathing. He wasn't coming back.
The end he had always envisioned would never come true. In his head, his team would have grown old together, Kono, Chin, Lou, Danny, and him. Having drinks on his lanai and laughing till dusk set in. And Danny and him would be bickering on those very Adirondack chairs he had left his friend on. Till the end.
But it wasn't happening. Daiyu Mei's words rang loud in his ears. And the fear of losing his partner was greater than anything he could imagine. Danny could only be safe without him. So even if his friend was hurt by is departure, even if Danny was struggling, he knew with absolute certainty that Danny would be okay without him… Without him by Danny's side, Danny would be okay.
Danno will be okay…
…
"He's not okay, Steve." Lou spoke, a sigh in his voice. "Danny's not okay."
His heart seized. In a split second, he felt like he was transported back to the day he found his partner bleeding out on the ground. Fighting the dizziness that Lou's words brought about, he swallowed the bile in his throat. "Wh..what do you mean? What..what's wrong with Danny?"
He knew it had been too early.. His partner should not have been discharged so soon after he nearly died. Regret crashed into his chest as his mind went to a thousand different possibilities.
The pause was unbearable.
"Lou? Tell me what's going on?" He almost screamed into the phone.
Had Junior been lying to him all this time? It had been a week since he left 'home' and not a single day had gone by without him checking for updates on Danny from Junior and Tani. They were the ones he had tasked with looking after Danny because as much as he trusted Lou, he knew that big guy was too soft on Danny. Junior and Tani, he knew he could trust to keep a close eye on Danny and make sure he was alright.
But had he been wrong?
Junior had assured him Danny was fine every single time he had called... so what did Lou mean?
"You left. That's what happened." Lou sighed again.
"Lou." He said sternly. He wasn't in the mood for any jokes.
"Danny's not okay because you left. We all aren't okay. The team.. just feels different. Like we've lost the anchor. With you gone.. and Danny.." Lou paused. "It's like we've lost him too."
"Lou, is Danny.. Is he alright, Lou?"
"I told you.. he's not. He tries to act like he's okay. But you and I both know he's got a terrible poker face. Wears his heart on his sleeve." Lou said. "But he's barely functioning. Yes.. it's that bad."
"I.."
"You still haven't talked to him yet, right?" Lou asked.
He bit his lip, unable to answer because he hadn't. He hadn't had the courage to pick up the phone to call his partner. He was afraid that if he heard Danny's voice, his resolve would weaken and he would take the next flight home. But he couldn't do that...
"Look, I know you had to leave when you did. And I know it wasn't and easy decision for you to make. And I am not trying to guilt you for that. But buddy, you need to talk to Danny." Lou said.
...
Danny was sitting on the chairs again. Honestly, that was now the most peaceful place in the house. When he was there, yeah, he still thought about his partner, but at the very least, staring at the waves sometimes managed to distract him.
The chair next to him wasn't always empty either. Now, Eddie was his best friend. The dog never seemed to leave him alone when he was awake. And he was glad for the company. Eddie's soft presence next to him made him a feel a little… well, less miserable (he wouldn't go so far as to say he felt okay).
He leaned in the chair and shut his eyes as the afternoon sun shone brightly, the sound of waves, birds noisily chirping and Eddie's snores accompanying him.
Miss you, buddy, he thought for maybe the millionth time, though in his head he was gently chastising Steve for not having once called him or even replying his texts since Steve had left him on the chair a week ago.
I hope you're okay, he whispered into the wind.
Even if Junior and Lou had assured him that Steve was okay, he couldn't help worry. He knew the Steve that had left wasn't the Steve he knew. Steve hadn't fully been himself since Doris' death. There was only so much a person could bear. Even for someone like Steve.
So he worried.
Steve was all alone somewhere in Timbuktu and knowing his friend, Danny was sure that Steve was doing the bare minimum to keep himself alive. And he wished, he so wished that he was there with Steve, wherever his best friend was. Yet he knew. He knew Steve needed to do this alone. Steve needed the time away from everyone.
All he could hope was that one day… Some day in the future, his partner would be ready to come home. To come back to him.
Till then, it's just you and me, huh? He whispered to Eddie who was snugly folded into himself on the chair.
He stared into the ocean, the rhythmic sound of waves crashing on the shore made him wish the ocean would consume him. Maybe that would make the ache in his chest hurt a little less…
I wish you were here. His thoughts were lost to the vast ocean.
Steve had told him that he always thought that the two of them on these chairs was how it would end for them. What he hadn't told Steve was that, he too, had always thought the same. How vividly he remembered the near death hallucination he had of his partner and him bickering till their hair were white and their faces wrinkled. The dream he had never once mentioned to his partner, or anyone for that matter. Yet, the dream had always been a warm reassurance to him. A reassurance that he wouldn't be alone.. in the end he still had his best friend...
Yet, all that was gone now. Steve was gone. And with that... the dream was a mere distant reality. No matter how much he told himself that Steve would one day return, he didn't know he could believe it.
In the end.. he was always right. He was alone.
Lost in his thoughts, he was startled when his phone rang. He could feel his heart quickening as he saw the name that was flashed on the screen.
"Steve?"
"Danno, hey, buddy." Steve's husky voice brought an onslaught of emotions in his chest.
He smiled, like genuinely smiled, for the first time in a week as the persistent ache in his rib lessened just a tad.
"Hey.." Was all he could manage as the emotions were almost too much for him. How had he missed his friend this much?
"How're you feeling? You healing up?" Steve asked, Danny could tell that he was trying his best to sound upbeat, just like he did on the beach the day he left.
"Yeah." Danny said simply.
What else could he say? Should he have been honest and said that no, he was not okay. That he felt like his heart was being ripped apart every single minute. Should he have told Steve that the day he left had been one of the most difficult days in his life. That he had retreated into his room and sobbed his heart out at losing his friend and he still cried himself to exhaustion and sleep every night. Would saying that change anything? Would Steve return if he told him the truth? Did he really want Steve to return because he begged him to? No, he couldn't do that.
"I'm good. And you? I thought you dropped off the face of the earth.. Are you going to tell me where you are or is that classified information?" Danny said, covering up his emotions with a rant as he usually did.
"I'm glad you're sounding much better, Danno." His partner was evading the subject, he knew.
"Yeah.. your junior SEAL is doing a good job watching me like a hawk." Danny quipped. "I'm offended that you have been calling him everyday but you only thought to give me a call today? What? Is he your best friend now?"
"You jealous, Danno?" Steve asked
"Not a chance." Danny said, rolling his eyes. "You're the one who should be worried. Eddie's not going to want you the longer you stay away. I'm taking really good care of him."
"That's good." Steve said, an awkward pause ensuing.
"And you, Steve? You taking care of yourself?" Danny finally broke the silence.
"I'm okay.. Just settling down a little." Steve said.
"I hope you haven't ended up blowing anything up. Don't have me as your backup wherever the hell you are. Worries me to think there's a neanderthal roaming the streets alone somewhere."
"Yeah.." Steve said. There was an uncomfortable silence again, a heavy pause that hung between them filled with unsaid words. "Uh.. You don't have to worry about me.. I've been.. Actually, I'm not exactly alone." Steve hesitated.
"What does that mean?" Danny asked.
"There is something you should know."
Something in Steve's voice told him that he wasn't going to like what Steve wanted to tell him. He leaned forward, bracing himself.
"Yeah? What is it? Everything alright?" Danny asked.
"Yeah I'm fine. Everything is good.." Danny could hear Steve sighing heavily. "Catherine's here with me." Steve said.
It felt like a kick to his gut. For some reason. He didn't know why. Or maybe he did. He felt utterly betrayed.
So much for saying he had needed to do this alone, Danny thought but only one syllable escaped his throat. "Oh."
"We met on the plane. I..I didn't know she was going to come. Apparently, Lincoln got in touch with her about the cipher and she uh.. She came to the island shortly after." Steve was rambling.
"Oh."
"Danny.. She.. she wants to continue from where we left off.." Steve asked.
"Oh." He swallowed.
"Danny..what do you think?" Steve said.
"Does it matter what I think?" Danny asked.
"Danny.."
"Is that what you want, Steve?" Danny asked, his voice strained.
Steve wished he knew. That really was the million dollar question, wasn't it? What did he want? He wanted to stop hurting. He wanted to live without pain, without worry, even if it was for one elusive second.
"Do you want the same as her?" Danny prompted.
"Yeah." Steve's answer was more a question but Danny couldn't tell.
"Then that's great. Congratulations, Steve." He said without emotions. "I'm glad you're happy." Danny said and this he meant wholeheartedly because after everything that Steve had been through, he deserved happiness.
Steve swallowed.
"Are you happy?" Danny asked hesitantly.
Steve paused. "Yeah." That was a giant lie. How could he be happy when he almost got his best friend killed and left him not a week later? In no realm did he deserve any happiness.
"Fantastic." Danny answered, the pang in his chest worsening with every passing second. "You know what.. I uhh I got to go. I don't want to be late for my PT. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, buddy. Take care. I'll call you again."
"Umm kay." Danny hung up the phone and stared at it for a long while. His head was spinning and his chest ached but it wasn't from the gunshot wound, at least he didn't think so.
Betrayed. That was what he felt.
Steve had said he needed to do this alone. He had left the island, left his ohana, left Danny. It had hurt when Steve left. It hurt more now, knowing Steve left with Catherine. That after all, he wasn't running away from his past, because if he was, he wouldn't be reconciling with his ex. Steve was in fact, running away from him. And that just reaffirmed his thought that he had after all driven his partner away.
And if he had even an inkling of hope that Steve would come back one day, the hope was completely dashed now. He knew his partner was never coming back. Everything was lost. He had lost his best friend.
"Sometimes the space between people neither grows nor shrinks. It just fills with broken things. Broken but not unloved."
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A/N: I am once again sorry for the long chapter. But hope you guys enjoyed this and if you did, please drop a review and let me know what you think :)
