My Therapy Journal

Journal 2

Written Jan 24, 2023

First Memory

"Toothpick!" Shadowey voices yell.

"Weakingly!" Other shadowey voices yell.

"Retard!" More shadowey voices yell.

"Ugly!" The shadowey voices all shout together.

"I can't help that I'm this way!" I yell back in frustration but the shadows only grow thicker at my rebuttal.

"Why was I born? I didn't ask for this!" I roar out as I slam my hands into the water.

"Why me?" I pathetically cry out. Tears falling like rivers from my eyes. As the words from the shadows cut me like knives.

"I didn't ask to be born this way!" I sob out as I start to beat and choke myself so I felt something different other than the cutting words from the shadows.

But my body took control and wrestled my other arm way from me. No matter what I did I couldn't hurt myself physically.

A black void like a black hole opened in my heart and began to suck me in.

"Is this it? I asked myself numbly. Being sucked away by my own negativity and darkness?" I questioned my hands grasping at my face as if I was on a edge of a cliff and only thing at the bottom was madness. It's hands reaching for me to make my body their play thing.

"I don't want to continue this cycle anymore!" I roared out jumping from the cliff and swimming past the madness influenced hands. "There has to be something more to life than this! I was born for a reason! I want find it!" I yelled out even as hands grabbed at my legs. I kept pushing harder and harder.

"There has to be someone that will see me for me! Anyone that won't betray me! Someone that will love me!" I thought determinedly

Finally I found a book. It's light seared my wounds shut but didn't fully heal them. It burned my entire body. All the way to my mind. It opened my eyes to my stupity. My foolishness. My blindness. My arrogance. My ignorance. My guilit. My shame.

The darkness seized ahold of me. Choking me on it's thickness. "You can't be saved. Your mine." It whispered out. It brought all my memories to the forefront and made me relive them again and again to see how wrong I was. How stupid. How foolish. How many people I hurt to survive.

"Trust me" A small voice whispered. I took his hand and the darkness retreated from me. I breathed air again as I surfaced from the darkness and stepped onto the water again. From afar I could see everything that lived and breathed with new eyes. It was beautiful. The green was such a green that you could see every leaf and blade that it touched. The sky was such a blue that you didn't know where it ended and you began. The stars shined brightly and called to me to come home.

But I was trapped in this body. Trying to find out who I was and what my purpose was. I had light in my heart now but the darkness was at the edges always pushing and pulling to get me to forsake the light