Okay, here's the beginning of the heart break. Trigger Warning in here for talk of abo*tion, severe birth defects and depression. This is not meant to be political, so please, no political opinions in the reviews. Enjoy
Olivia was now fifteen and a half weeks along. She was tired all the time, her joints hurt all the time, and she was depressed. She spent most of her days in bed, as she took a leave of absence from work because of the joint pain. The only bright spot that she had in her life were the three kids and Charles. They could get her to smile no matter how down she felt.
Olivia went to her weekly OB/GYN appointments and so far, everything looked normal. She had another visit and another ultrasound today. She rested on the bed, holding her stomach, gently rubbing it as Charles finished getting ready. When he came out of the bathroom he stopped and looked at her. "What?" She asked gently.
Charles smiled and sat on the edge of the bed. "You're just so beautiful," he whispered and kissed her forehead. "Ready to go, my love?"
Olivia smiled softly. "Yeah, let's go see baby." She got up with Charles's help and slipped into her shoes. She walked with him down the stairs and out the front door. They took a cab to her appointment and she sat on the exam table.
The doctor came in and smiled. "Olivia, how are you doing? How are the fatigue, joint pain, and depression?"
Olivia shrugged. "I sleep a lot, everything hurts, and the only things that make me smile are my kids and Charles, even with the antidepressants."
The doctor nodded. "Okay, we'll see about increasing the antidepressants. Have you been taking Tylenol for the joint pain?"
Olivia nodded. "Like clockwork, it barely touches the pain." She saw her being over the ultrasound machine and she lay back, lifting up her shirt and pushing her pants down around her growing belly.
"Let's take a look at baby, see if we can cheer you up, hm?"
Olivia nodded. The doctor started the ultrasound and made her measurements and then stopped. "What is it?"
The doctor looked at her. "I'm… I'm sure it's nothing, just a glitch." She said quickly. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to make a call."
Olivia sat up. "Something is wrong with the baby, isn't there? What's wrong!"
The doctor rested her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "I don't want you to worry just yet. Let me make this phone call, just sit tight."
Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. She watched the doctor walk out and she turned to Charles. "Something's wrong with the baby. I know it."
Charles took her hand. "Let's just wait to hear what the doctor says."
The doctor came back in and sat down. "Okay. I called in a specialist from the Robbins-Hermann Center not far away. They're sending over their best maternal-fetal medicine doctor to come look at the ultrasound."
Olivia looked at Charles then at the doctor. "Please, just tell me what you saw."
The doctor let out a breath. "That's the thing, I'm pretty sure of what I saw but I'm not sure and I don't want to tell you until I know for sure."
Olivia let out her own breath and felt the tears well up. "I'm scared," she whispered.
The doctor took her other hand. "I know. And I want to ease that fear but I can't right now. How about I get you some water and you sit right here for Dr. Robbins to get here and we'll be in as soon as she gets here?"
Olivia nodded. "Okay." The doctor got her a bottle of water and Olivia took a sip as the doctor walked back out of the room and Olivia let the tears fall. "I just want to know what's happening." She fell into Charles and cried into the crook of his neck, her anxiety rising.
Within a half an hour, her doctor and a blonde woman came into the room. The blonde woman smiled and extended her hand. "Dr. Arizona Robbins. Mind if we do another ultrasound real quick so I can take a look and see what's going on."
Olivia shook her hand. "Olivia Benson. And uh, yeah. Just tell me what's happening."
Arizona started the ultrasound and took a deep breath, looking at Olivia. "Okay, I have bad news. This is going to be hard to hear, but we'll figure this out together."
Olivia started to cry again. "Please just tell me."
Arizona took a deep breath. "Your baby has a condition called anencephaly. It means… it means your baby has a brain stem, but beyond that none of the brain structures have formed and that there's no skull on the back of your baby's head ."
Olivia's head was spinning. "So my baby is dead… inside me? Did I miscarry?"
Arizona shook her head. "No, your baby is still alive right now, but after birth, your baby will only survive a few hours to a few days at most. I'm sorry."
Olivia let out a sob and clutched her belly. "What did I do?"
Arizona sat down. "You did nothing, this is a genetic condition, something in the genetic code, this just happens. It's very rare and tragic but it happens."
Olivia wiped her eyes. "What do we do from here?"
Arizona looked from the floor to Olivia. "You have a couple options. You can terminate, or you can continue the pregnancy, have the baby, and hold her until she dies."
Olivia wiped her eyes. "It's a girl?"
Arizona nodded. "Take some time and figure out what you want to do, and we'll be right here to support you whatever you choose."
Olivia nodded. "Can we take a few days, we need to talk about this."
Arizona smiled sadly. "Of course." She pulled out a business card. "Call me anytime, okay?"
Olivia took the card and she nodded. "Thank you." She started to cry and watched the doctors walk out. She looked at Charles and let out a guttural wail, getting off the table and burying her head in his chest. "Our baby."
Charles had tears in his eyes that he wouldn't let fall. Right now he needed to be strong for her, but inside, he wasn't okay either. "I know, I know, baby. I'm right here."
Olivia shook her head. "Take me home, I want to go home." She begged.
Charles wrapped an arm around her and walked outside with her and caught a cab back to their brownstone. Olivia leaned against him and cried all the way home. He walked her inside when they got home and walked her upstairs to rest. He watched her crawl into bed and curl up in a ball. Charles joined her and held her tight.
Olivia was hysterical. "This isn't how this was supposed to happen. This isn't how my pregnancy was supposed to turn out."
Charles rubbed her back. "I know, Livia. Try to breathe. You're going to make yourself sick."
Olivia took some deep breaths and relaxed but she still whimpered. "What do we do?"
Charles shook his head. "I don't know. It's your body, Olivia. I can't tell you what to do here."
Olivia looked at him. "Do you want to keep the pregnancy so we can hold her as she dies?"
Charles kissed her temple. "That would be beyond excruciating."
Olivia nodded. "But so would abortion be."
Charles nodded. "But with abortion we don't get to hold her, and at this stage, she's not viable, she can't live outside your body."
Olivia took a breath. "This is an impossible choice." She closed her eyes. "I… I think we should terminate. It'll be excruciating, but waiting another 5 months only to get to hold her for a few hours until she dies in our arms… that'll be worse."
Charles held her tight. "Okay. Then that's what we do."
Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. "I can't help but blame myself. I know the doctor said it wasn't my fault, but I'm supposed to keep her safe. I'm supposed to make sure she's healthy and that everything is okay. And it's not. I couldn't do my job as a mother."
Charles held her tight. "Please know this is not your fault. You are a wonderful mother to Noah and the girls. You do your job as a mom every day and you do an amazing job."
Olivia nodded. "I'll get there." She rested her head on his chest. "Oh, the kids, how are we going to tell them? They're all so excited."
Charles lazily rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. "We tell them the truth in ways they'll understand." He whispered. "It may be hard to explain abortion to them, but we'll find a way."
Olivia took a deep breath. "I would wait… to have the baby and hold her… if I thought for a minute I could handle it mentally, but I can't. I wish I wasn't already so fragile because then I could do this, but I can't. As it is the four of you are the only things that make me happy, if I were to carry to term, or as close as I could get… I'd want to die. I fight that feeling every day. But I wouldn't be able to fight it if I waited."
Charles looked at her. "You don't need to explain your choice to me. Your reasons are valid, any reason for you to choose this is valid. You and your mental health need to come first. We have three kids who need you, and I need you."
Olivia looked up at him and kissed him softly. "After… after the abortion I may be a mess anyway, more than I or you could handle. Don't be afraid to put me in the hospital if you have to, if I get really bad. I'm going to do my best to be able to stay out of the hospital, just having appointments with Lindstrom. But it might not be enough." She looked him in the eyes. "Don't be afraid to protect me from myself."
Charles nodded. "Okay." He whispered. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, okay? We'll get through this together. I'm going to love you through this, no matter what, okay?"
Olivia nuzzled into him. "Okay." She closed her eyes. "I'm going to take a nap now. I'm exhausted."
Charles held her tight. "You take a nap. I'll be right here when you wake up." He whispered. Once he was sure she was asleep he allowed his tears to fall. He made sure to keep his breathing steady so as not to wake Olivia, but he needed to grieve the loss of this idea that they'd be a family of six with a perfect baby to bring home and love and cherish and raise. It wasn't going to happen, no matter what they did. He hated that they, that she, had to make this impossible choice. Eventually he too fell asleep, his face tear stained. He'd set his alarm earlier to wake up before the kids got home.
The alarm went off and both woke up. Olivia groaned and sat up. "I'm up." She saw Charles sit up and wipe his face. "You okay?"
Charles nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay." He rested his hand over hers. "I'm going to go make us some lunch and wait for the kids, I'll be back up in a little bit."
Olivia looked at him. "Charles, you're allowed to grieve in front of me. We have to grieve this together. We can't hide it from each other. I know you want to be strong for me, but you don't have to. You're allowed to break down in front of me. It's okay," she said in a soft voice.
Charles felt tears well up in his eyes and he pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry that this is how this pregnancy ended up, I'm sorry we… you had to make such an impossible choice. I'm sorry we're losing our baby no matter what we do. I'm just sorry."
Olivia wiped his eyes. "It'll be okay. We'll get through this together." She kissed him gently. "Let's go make lunch and wait for the kids. We'll tell them and grieve as a family. It's okay."
Charles nodded. "Okay, let's go," he wiped his eyes. "What do you want for lunch?"
Olivia thought as they walked downstairs. "How about mac and cheese?"
Charles smiled. "Mac and cheese it is. You want Kraft or should I make some from scratch."
Olivia tilted her head. "Kraft. Make it easy." She smiled. She heard the door open and saw the kids come in. A sense of dread came over her. She thanked the nannies for bringing them home and she looked at Charles. "Food is going to have to wait," she whispered. "We have to tell them. Now." Charles nodded. They brought the kids into the study and sat in the chairs. "Kids, we need to talk… about the baby," she said in a shaky voice.
A/N: How's everyone doing? Everyone okay? Let me know what you think in the reviews. Again, please no political opinions in the reviews, this is not meant to be political. I think Chapter 28 of this is going to come before He's Home 3, just to get the heartbreak over with. See you soon!
