Well, I've started school, so these updates will start becoming less frequent, and this chapter was REALLY hard to write. But I hope I did a good job of explaining it, without being too graphic, and also of the nuances of emotion.
Olivia sat in the study trying to find the words to explain to the three young children in front of her that their sibling she was carrying was never going to be born. "Well, the baby is a girl. But we found out that she has something called anencephaly, which means her brain never developed beyond a brain stem. And you need a brain to survive. We were given two options, we could either continue with the pregnancy and hold your baby sister until she died after she was born, or we could choose to end the pregnancy, which means we'll never get to meet your sister. Your dad and I have chosen to end the pregnancy."
Nicole had tears streaming down her face. "So no sister?"
Olivia's heart broke and she felt tears start to stream down her face. "I'm sorry, but no. This is not what we planned for this baby. I had thought of her growing up and raising her with two amazing big sisters and a big brother who would protect her. But unfortunately this happened, and your dad and I had to take a lot of things into account when we made the decision to end the pregnancy. One of which is my mental health. I couldn't handle five more months knowing that my baby was going to die so soon after she was born. I know this is a lot to understand, especially at your ages, but we wanted to be honest with you and tell you what's going on, she's always going to be a part of our family. Even if we don't get to meet her." She opened her arms and hugged Nicole tight. "But something we can all do together is we can think of a name for her. Would you all like that?" Olivia saw all the kids nod and she gave a sad smile. "Then that's what we'll do. Tonight after dinner."
Charles sat beside her, tears welling up in his eyes. She knew just what to say. He was in awe of her. He knew that the next couple days would be excruciating for all of them, but especially Olivia. She looked over at him and grabbed his hand, he squeezed her hand and nodded. "That sounds like a wonderful plan. How about I make you and I some lunch, kids, why don't you do your homework while we eat?" He saw the kids nod and he leaned over and kissed Olivia softly. "I love you," he whispered.
Olivia smiled. "I love you, too," she whispered back. Once he got up and went to the kitchen she looked at the kids. "Okay, homework time, and think of some names that you like too." She saw the kids get up and scatter off to do their homework and Olivia joined Charles in the kitchen. "Thank you for not judging me for this choice, for not telling me what to do. It means a lot. Some of the men I've been in relationships with in the past would have told me what to do, but you let me decide what's best for me and my mental and physical health." She kissed his shoulder blades. "Thank you for treating me like an adult."
Charles turned around and lifted her chin and kissed her softly. "It's your body, Livia, your choice, one I would never imagine making for you. You're an adult, you're a person, I don't get to take that away from you. Nobody does."
Olivia smiled. "I married the right man," she whispered and wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. "The next couple of days are going to be difficult, hell, the next few months will probably be difficult, but with you by my side, I'll be able to face it." She rubbed his chest. "But remember, don't be afraid to protect me from myself if need be. I don't know what's going to happen after, I may be fine, I may not be, but I know with you here, I'll be okay, even if it takes a while."
Charles picked her up and set her on the counter. "You are the strongest person I know, you'll be okay. I know it." He kissed her and kissed her belly. "It's all going to be okay, I know it will."
Olivia smiled at him. "You are an amazing man, and I'm so glad I get to call you my husband."
Charles smiled and rubbed her thighs. "You're the amazing one." He kissed her and smirked, pulling away. "Let me finish lunch so you can eat," he whispered.
Olivia smiled a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. Under the circumstances it was understandable. "Okay." She watched him finish lunch, he got a bowl and served her some. Olivia took the bowl. "Thank you, baby." She took the fork and ate some. "Mm," she finished the bowl and put it in the sink. "I need to call that new doctor and schedule the D and E for tomorrow and the day after." She took a deep breath. "God this is so hard," she whispered, tears falling from her eyes.
Charles rubbed the outside of her thighs and wrapped his arms around her. "I know it is, baby. But we're going to get through this, you and me. Forever."
Olivia looked down at him. "You're not going to leave me because of all this? Because I have brainless babies and because I'm choosing to have an abortion? And that I may never be able to get pregnant again?"
Charles looked up at her and caressed her face. "I'm not going anywhere, my love. I'll be right here," he whispered. "And if we want another child we can adopt, we can get an egg donor and a surrogate, there are so many ways to have a baby." He said gently. "Let's get through the next couple days, and we'll go from there on what we want to do as far as having another child."
Olivia smiled softly. "Okay," she took a deep breath and picked up her phone and took out the business card that Dr. Robbins gave her earlier, dialing and putting the phone to her ear after hitting the green button to send the call out. She heard Dr. Robbins answer and she took a deep breath. "Yes, Dr. Robbins, we've made a choice. We've decided to terminate. I was hoping we could schedule for tomorrow and the day after. We just want to get this over with." She listened to her and she nodded. "That would be great, thank you." She nodded. "Yes, I've done my research. I know what's going to happen." She wiped her eyes. "See you tomorrow at 9AM." She hung up and looked at Charles. "It's happening." She sighed and wiped her eyes.
Charles kissed her forehead and wrapped his arms around her. "When did you do research on this?"
Olivia looked down at him. "In college, I had a pregnancy scare, on my way to the clinic to terminate that pregnancy, I got my period." She said gently. "That one I was not ready to be a mom, I was in college, if I wasn't in class or doing homework I was working to be able to afford my sorority dues and to be able to feed myself. I had no business being a mother at that time."
Charles looked at her. "Hey, you don't need to explain your choice to me. I trust that you made the best decision for you at the time, just like I trust that you are making the best decision for you now. You're an adult, and I won't treat you as less than an adult, or less than a fully fledged human because of a choice you made."
Olivia smiled and hopped off the counter, hugging him, resting her head on his chest. "Thank you for never judging me." She looked up at him. "I love you so much," she whispered.
Charles held her tight. "I love you too," he whispered back. "I'm going to be right here through all of it, holding your hand through all of it."
Olivia nodded. "Thank you. It's not going to be comfortable, tomorrow is going to be uncomfortable at best, and painful at worst. They need to dilate my cervix and that's just not a comfortable thing." Olivia's phone rang and she saw it was Dr. Robbins. She picked it up and talked with the doctor for a few moments before hanging up. "Okay, that's going to be slightly less excruciating. She's going to perform the D and E in one day, so it'll be over tomorrow, instead of dragging it out for two days." She shrugged. "It'll be excruciating tomorrow, but then we can start to heal."
Charles held her tight and rubbed her back. "Let's go cuddle in the study, we'll go to bed early tonight, and tomorrow is going to be about us. I'll arrange for the kids to be with one of the nannies—"
Olivia looked at him. "No, let them stay home. I want them home tomorrow, as a family is the only way we're gonna heal from this. The kids need to know what's going on, and they're going to need comfort too."
Charles walked with her to the study. "I'm in awe of you. You're such an amazing mom. I wish you could adopt the girls."
Olivia smiled. "I wish I could too, but I don't think Pauline is giving up her parental rights anytime soon." She sat on his lap in the chair and nuzzled into him. "Thank you for being with me tomorrow, I know I'm going to need you."
Charles kissed her head. "I wouldn't imagine being anywhere else." He rubbed her back. "We can come home tomorrow and you can be in bed as long as you want, the kids and I will come into the bedroom and have dinner with you. We'll navigate through this."
Olivia nodded. "Okay," she said gently. She heard the kids come downstairs and she smiled. She saw them come into the study and she sat up a bit. "Hello my loves." She said gently. "What's up?"
Noah spoke up. "We all finished our homework and came up with some names, can we name our sister now instead of waiting?"
Olivia rubbed her bump. "Yeah, we can do that."
Noah looked at her. "What about Jojo?"
Nicole spoke next. "I like Allison!"
Bianca looked up from her seat on the floor. "In Les Mis, there's a character named Cosette. She's the daughter of the woman who died, Fantine. She sings Castle on a Cloud in the musical, and I like to think that's where our sister will go after… whatever is going to happen."
Olivia looked at Charles and then down at her bump. "Bianca, that's beautiful, sweetheart." She looked at the other two kids. "What do you two think?"
Nicole looked at them. "Can her middle name be Allison?"
Noah looked at her. "What does the song sound like?"
Olivia smiled and pulled out her phone and played one of the videos of the song and she closed her eyes, tears welling up in them as she listened to the melody, the lyrics. Once the song was over she opened her eyes and looked at Noah. "What do you think, sweet boy?"
Noah nodded. "Cosette." He looked her in the eye. "I like it."
Olivia nodded. "Cosette Allison Brooks." She looked back at Charles. "I think we've named her."
Charles felt a tear roll down his cheek as he nodded. "I think you're right." He rested his hand on her bump. "Our Cosette."
Olivia wiped her eyes. "Well, while we're all here, do you kids have any questions? I'll answer what I can."
Bianca looked at them. "What's going to happen to her?"
Olivia bit her bottom lip. "Well, after the procedure, I don't know what they do, honestly. I'm sorry." She took a breath. "But we can do something to remember her, plant a rose bush, or a tree, a butterfly bush."
Bianca looked at her. "No, I mean, during the procedure."
Olivia looked at Charles and then at Bianca. "I um, I think you're still a little young for me to go into detail. When you get a little older I'll tell you, okay? I promise."
Bianca nodded. "Okay, I just, I want to know everything."
Olivia smiled gently. "I know, sweet girl. But, it's not something you should know at your age. And when you're older, I'll tell you, not to scare you, but so you have the information, in case you want to be a doctor one day and help women like me, or if you ever find yourself in a similar situation and need to know."
Charles kissed the back of her neck. "Now, that brings up a different conversation. Not all parents are as open about what happens in their family like we are, so this isn't something you can go around talking about. If you need to talk about it, come to us and we'll talk about it together, okay?"
Olivia nodded. "And it's okay to feel sad about it, and if it comes up at school, ask to talk to the school counselor, okay? We'll let them know what's going on, so they'll know how to help you, okay?" She saw the kids nod. "Good. Now, unless you have any questions, how about you go play 'til dinner?" She saw the kids get up and run off to go play and Olivia looked back at Charles. "Was that okay?"
Charles smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Perfect." He kissed her softly and gently caressed her face.
A/N: Okay, one more chapter of the heartbreak, not even, and then we can start to heal. This journey has been an emotional roller coaster, not just for our favorite characters, but for me too, and I'm sure plenty of you. We're almost through the fire, we're almost to the other side. I promise. In the meantime leave a review, if you're so inclined. Again, I ask you to keep it non-political.
