Author's note: When I published this story, I wasn't entirely sure what kind of response I was going to get. So I'm real glad I got such an overwhelmingly positive reception. I mean, wow, 41 follows, 33 favourites, and 7 reviews on just the prologue alone. Anyways, here is the first proper chapter.
Warning: This chapter contains material that may be too edgy for hypersensitive pussies to handle. Viewer discretion is advised.
Chapter 1: Making Plans
Location: Fortress of Parliament
Date: January 1, 2020
Situation: Absolute Chaos
Vice Chairman Kevin Henderson calmly, and steadily marched down the hallways of the Fortress of Parliament towards the Chairman's office. Unfortunately, he was probably one of the select few people in the building who was keeping his cool in the current situation. Because all round him people were running back, and forth seemingly at random while carrying binders full of papers. Others were furiously talking to each other with barely concealed panic. And as for the select few who weren't freaking out like they had just been set on fire? They were just wandering around aimlessly, all while trying to look busy with something. The lucky bastards probably had the select few jobs that weren't affected by political emergencies, and could go on normally while everything fell apart around them. Of course they weren't completely safe, and he saw at least a few of them get nailed by people who weren't watching where they were going.
All in all it was total pandemonium, but there was a good reason for their behaviour.
Not too long ago the entire city, and all of its surrounding assets had been transported to an unknown location on an unknown planet. Their immediate surroundings appeared to be unoccupied, which was a slight relief. But that wasn't much to go on when they started picking up an insane amount of signals coming from everywhere else on the planet. These signals were either audio, video, or both, and were in well over a hundred different languages. So upon realizing they were grossly outnumbered, and completely surrounded with no proper military to defend themselves with, Nuclear Command and Control, the guys in charge of the Federations nuclear arsenal, went completely ape shit. They pretty much forced Vice Chairman Kevin activate the civilian militia, which was essentially the entire population save for those needed to perform the most essential tasks for society to function, such as manufacturing, and hauling ammunition, all while priming the few dozen nuclear weapons they had for launching.
They were in the process of selecting which targets to hit in order to do the most damage when one of them noticed something strange, and asked where the Chairman was in all of this. Apparently no one had been able to reach him due to to communications being down, and he likely had no idea what was going on.
Thus Kevin was given the important task of going to the Chairman's office, and informing him of recent events.
Kevin eventually reached the Chairman's office, and was about to open the door when he heard muffled sound coming from the other side. Confused, he opened the door, and stepped inside to see what the commotion was.
The inside of the Chairman's office was nothing special. Other than being fairly large, and spacious, it was largely undercoated. Just bare concrete walls, a couple posters here or there, a desk with chair, some filing cabinets, and the kind of carpeting one would see in the halls of an apartment complex. Then there was the Founder, and current Chairman of the Spartan Federation, Thalleous Sendaris. Even by the standards of the Spartan Federation he was large. Standing at 9 feet 4 inches tall with broad shoulders, a fairly heavily built physique, and a slight pot belly from his excessive chicken wing consumption. He was dressed in his usual white 'Haffaz Aladeen' style uniform complete with pointy hat, and had an old fashioned hand cannon holstered at his side.
As for what he was doing? He was currently running around the room in circles, waving his hands in the air, and screaming like a lunatic.
For the next few moments Kevin just stood there, watching the spectacle in front of him, before clearing his throat, and speaking up. "Uh sir? Normally I wouldn't interrupt your little episode but we have a situation."
Thalleous instantly froze dead still where he stood, looked over at Kevin, and quickly recomposed himself. "Let me guess." He began. "We're on a different planet, and also possibly in an alternate universe."
"Uh.. Yeah." Kevin began slowly, ever so slightly surprised the Founder somehow already knew what was going on, despite being completely isolated from the events taking place outside his office. "How exactly did you find out about that with communications down?"
"I also know what planet we're on, and what universe we're in." Thalleous continued, ignoring the question, and when he saw Kevin's perplexed expression, quickly added "Don't question how I know, and just roll with it okay?"
Deciding to take Thalleous's advice, at least for the time being, Kevin brought up the most urgent matter that was currently unfolding. "The guys in Nuclear Command and Control are in the process of selecting foreign targets to strike, and are requesting your authorization to launch once they're ready."
That statement got a rather severe reaction from the Founder, as he balled up his fists, and looked ready to explode with anger.
"Tell those idiots that we're not nuking anything!" Thalleous snarled angerly, then closed his eyes, and visibly forced himself to calm down before continuing in a calmer tone. "At least not right now. Look, tell everyone worth a damn that we're having an emergency meeting in the next hour and a half. That should give everyone enough time to get a firm grasp of the situation, and for me to come up with a solid plan on what to do from here on out."
Kevin pondered this for a moment, then nodded in understanding. "Sounds like a plan. Anything else you need?"
"Yeah." Thalleous said. "Get me access to a Nexus Core, so I can have someone to pitch my plans to, and get a straight answer in return."
The meeting hall of the Fortress of Parliament was big enough to comfortably seat hundreds of government representatives, and still have room to spare. Its size was further emphasized by the massive cavernous dome like ceiling it had, and the fact that unlike the rest of the Fortress of Parliament, the place was extensively decorated with fine paintings, marble statues, fine wooden flooring, and flags draped over every available flat surface. All of the chairs reserved for the representatives were arranged in a semi circular pattern around the room, and elevated higher the further they went back, allowing for a good view regardless of where one sat, while the Chairman's seat, and podium, along with the Vice Chairman's, were in the center of the semi circle on the other end of the room. A massive flat screen television hung on the wall behind the podium, giving an almost theater style view to the surrounding audience. There wasn't anything currently being displayed, so the screen was just static at the moment.
For the past half hour, more, and more people had been filing into the room, and taking seats until pretty soon the place was completely packed with people from every branch of government, along with the heads of various corporations, reporters from media outlets both large and small, various militia leaders, and even a few extremely wealthy independents. Basically, anyone who was anyone was present to hear whatever the Chairman was going to say.
Eventually the scheduled hour, and a half time was reached, and everyone waited with anticipation for the Chairman, and Vice Chairman to make an appearance. They didn't have to wait long as the massive double doors to the meeting hall were kicked open, and in stomped Chairman Thalleous Sendaris, and Vice Chairman Kevin Henderson. The two of them looked over the assembled crowd for a moment, before quickly making their way over to the other end of the room, and taking their respective positions at the two podiums. The massive screen that had been showing nothing but static up until now suddenly flickered, and was filled with the image of the Chairman.
For the next full minute the room was completely silent as Thalleous stood there stoically, looking over the crowd as they waited in silence for him to speak. The silence continued on for another minute as people became more, and more tense with each passing second. Despite this the Chairman remained silent, and continued frowning at the crowd.
It was only when the tension became unbearable, and several people began asking questions did the Chairman finally speak. "As you have no doubt been made made aware, but just in case you haven't, our nation has not only been transported to another planet, but also seemingly into an alternate universe as well. Not only that, but the planet is completely infested with lamer versions of ourselves who are currently wondering what happened to the previous faction that was occupying our current location. Are we all on the same page here?"
A chorus of affirmatives rippled through the crowd.
Thalleous nodded. "Good. Now with that out of the way, I'm happy to announce that I've come up with a 3 phase plan for good happy fun time success. But right now, I'll only be covering phase 1 since it concerns what we'll be doing for the next 10 to 20 years." He reached into his pocket, pulled out a remote, and pressed one of the buttons. The screen behind him flickered, and the Chairman's face was replaced with scrolling text detailing the first part of his plan. "The first part of phase 1 is securing our borders, and deterring any form of invasion from our future enemies. The plan is to get the various nations of this world to recognize our claim on all the previous factions territories. I also have a short term plan to hire various private military contractors to guard our borders since we don't have the numbers to do it ourselves. I also have a long term plan for that as well, but it's classified."
Once the Chairman was finished speaking, he pressed another button on the remote, and the screen switched to a map of the country with various icons all over it. "Now I know the promises of corrupt politicians, and a bunch of armed guards won't be enough to deter a full scale military invasion, even with our nuclear weapons, which is why I've come up with the Strategic Defense Initiative. Essentially I plan to turn our country into a fortress with both conventional long range missiles, surface to orbit missiles, and Casaba-Howitzers, along with rail gun batteries, defense lasers, extensive fortifications, doomsday bunkers, and an entire network of satellites whose purpose will be discussed later. Also, if you're wondering where I'm going to get the manpower to build all these fortifications, my plan is, again, to hire independent construction workers from the outside world."
"I have a question!" One man in the crowd shouted as he stood up. He was heavily built, and dressed in an expensive looking business suit. "How do you plan to pay for all of this? I know we have a lot of money in the treasury, but this still seems like more than we can afford to spend."
"Good question." Thalleous said, and switched over to a slide that detailed various criminal operations that were in the process of being set up. "My plan is to use Room 39 to secure all the funds I'll need for my projects by selling drugs, selling weapons, counter fitting foreign money, committing insurance fraud, and selling cloned organs on the black market. The cloned organs alone are projected to rake in billions. So money isn't going to be a problem. This way I won't have to dip into the taxpayers money or increase interest rates or something stupid like that."
The assembled crowd spoke amongst themselves, most of them agreeing with the plan as it had been laid out while the rest talked about other related subjects.
Thalleous patiently waited for the crowd to calm down before continuing. "Another part of Phase 1 is to increase our population as much as possible so we can field a proper military, and project power. One part of my plan is to pass laws that will increase growth, and encourage people to have lots of children. I also have another plan for population growth as well, but it is currently classified." He pressed the remote again, and the screen switched to two sets of blueprints. One was for a Giygas-class light gun destroyer, and the other for a Longsword space superiority fighter. "Also, while I'm not planning to field a military at this moment, I do want to build at least one space warship along with a several squadrons of fighters, and some support craft as well. Just in case some alien threat comes knocking, and makes a beeline for our territory. More on that in a moment."
"What are your plans for dealing with the other factions of this planet?" Asked another member of the audience. This time it was a woman in a trench coat who was holding a microphone. A reporter by the look of things.
"What do you mean?" Thalleous asked curiously.
"I mean are you planning any military actions, cyber attacks, psyops or what?" The reporter clarified.
"I was considering doing some cyber attacks, and even started a secret project relating to that." Thalleous began, then added "But then I realized that these people were destroying themselves faster than I ever could. So my plan is to simply wait for them to croak, and then take over the entire planet once they're gone."
"What makes you so certain they will be gone?" A man in a military uniform asked.
"Trust me, these people are literally too stupid for reality to allow to continue existing." The Chairman reassured the man. "They've come up with such genius ideas as the fat acceptance movement, critical race theory, third wave feminism, the woke social justice movement, communism, socialism, safe spaces, drag queen story time, soy products, and saw absolutely nothing wrong with biological men competing in women's sports, and completely destroying the competition. They've also somehow been convinced that cow farts are causing climate change which is something I don't even know how to respond to. These people have no intelligence, no common sense, no self awareness, no capacity for critical thinking, and are going to die the second the outside galaxy takes notice of them."
Thalleouses expression then became stern, and deadly serious. "Speaking of outside galaxy, I just so happen to know which universe we're now in, and I'm very concerned that we'll be attacked before our position is secure. Because while the other factions of this world are at least a moderate threat, they're small potatoes compared to whats out there in the greater galaxy. I will be submitting reports to the people who need to know what's out there the most, and I will making it publicly available when the time is right, but trust me when I say that we're in serious danger until our position is secure."
The crowd briefly murmured amongst themselves for several minutes until Thalleous signalled for silence.
"Now lets see, what else was I going to talk about?" Thalleous then said, while tapping his chin in deep thought. Then after a few more moments of deep thought, he got an epiphany. "Oh yeah! I'm launching my own social media platform called ViewTube, which will be what YouTube used to be, but better in every conceivable way, and with none of YouTubes ridiculous censorship policies. Also nudity will be allowed. Lot's and lots of nudity. It'll be our own special place where we can hang out, make videos, do live streams, and be as edgy as we want with no self righteous pricks around to tell us what we can and can't say."
The crowd immediately burst into wild cheers, and gave Thalleous a standing ovation. The Chairman allowed this to go on for a full minute before raising his hand to silence the crowd once more.
"Now does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" Thalleous asked.
"Excuse me. I'd like to make a request." Someone in the crowd said.
Thalleous, and several other people turned to look at who had spoken up, which turned out to be a woman dressed in a safari outfit complete with pith helmet. She might have been considered attractive were it not for her messy unkempt hair which was done up in a crude ponytail, and the ridiculous coke bottle glasses she was wearing.
"What kind of request miss... Uh... "Thalleous began.
"Dr. Goodwell." The woman filled in before continuing. "Me an my fellow anthropologists would like to study some of the various peoples, and cultures of this world. We aren't asking for funding or anything like that, just merely a means of transport to get there, and back."
Thalleous looked like he was ready to say something sarcastic, and insulting about the various cultures of Earth, but stopped himself, and seemed to seriously mull it over. "Yeah, alright. I could use some entertainment. You'll have your transportation, but you are forbidden from using any form of modern technology that could possibly give our enemies an edge against us, understand?"
Dr. Goodwell nodded. "We only need some camping equipment, some basic firearms, maybe some gold as well, and our notebooks of course. So this won't be a problem."
"Anybody else have anything to say?" Thalleous asked, and when he got no response added "I will be making a public statement in the next few week once I have all my plans set in motion, and I'll also be inviting the other nations of the world to tune in as well."
"What will the speech be about?" Someone asked.
"Oh you know, maintaining hope, world peace, tolerance, cooperation, and all that other gay shit." Thalleous began, then a sly smile spread across his face. "At least officially that's what it'll be about. But I've got something else planned. Something that people will be talking about for years to come."
"Alright, this meeting is now officially over. Help yourself to the snack machines outside, and I'll see you all later." Thalleous announced as the assembled crowd began to file out of the meeting room.
Then his shoulders slumped, and he sighed in frustration. "I got a lot of work ahead of me."
When the planet Earth had been transported to another universe, or copied and pasted to another universe, or whatever had actually happened, most of the population, save for a few stargazers and astronomers, didn't notice right away. This was mainly because nothing noticeable had happened to catch their attention, and the few that did notice weren't able to make sense of what they were seeing right away. So there wasn't any real panic at the moment.
But what did catch their attention were news reports of an entirely new faction appearing in North Korea where the DPRK used to be that was currently in talks with various world leaders. Most of it was boring political stuff like land claims, treaty agreements, and so on. But then the leader of this mysterious new faction announced to the world that he was going to make a speech about peace, cooperation, and tolerance that he promised would make history. That got their attention, and it soon became the primary subject of what every nation around the world talked about for the next week. But eventually news about the solar systems seeming transportation to another region of space began to trickle in, and people began to panic.
Riots started springing up in cities around the world, and doomsday cults came screaming out of the woodwork. Marshall law was quickly declared, the military, and riot police were deployed, and the riots were put down with overwhelming force.
But all was not lost, because the deadline for the promised speech of hope and peace from the leader of the Spartan Federation had arrived, and the entire world tuned in for the broadcast. Not that most people had a choice since they were now locked in their houses.
They thought they would be getting an inspirational speech that would wipe away all their fears.
What they got was Thalleous Sendaris in blackface, with his lips painted bright red, wearing an afro wig, and dressed in a purple basketball jersey complete with golden chain.
"Whazz good niggas!" The man announced. "Mah name iz Jordan, and ah iz a trans-nigga! Dat means ah wuz not born da race dat ah iz!"
Thalleous then pulled out a Glock like pistol, and pointed it sideways at the camera. "If youz say othawize I'll pop a cap in yah racist ass, cracka ass, transphobic ass, youz punk ass bitch!"
With his threat now delivered, Thalleous put the gun away, pulled out a bucket of fried chicken, and began loudly eating it. "Naow whut wuz I gonna talk about? Oh yeh, ah wuz gunna tulk abut how da white man keeps us down by throwin us in jail weneva wez robz a KFC. Dat sheeit iz raycist an needs ta stop. Deres no KFC or white wooman in da jail, and nuffin ta rape except anuvver ugly ass nigga. Dat shit needs ta stop yo."
Thalleous reached over, grabbed a glass of a purple substance, and took a sip. "Dats sum guud purple drank ya hear me? Yeah ya hear me."
"Yuo knaw whut else wez need?" Thalleous began. "Weez need bigga welfare checks! Da price oh Gloks keepz gion up, but our welfare stayz da same. Pretty suun, wez ain't gonna be able ta afford Gloks, and den how are wez gonna be able ta provide for our baby daddies? Ah tellz ya dis: We aint!"
Once Thalleous was done with the fried chicken, he pulled out a plate of sliced watermelon, and began chowing down on those.
"So instaed uv complanin bout everythin I'z gotz an idea. So get dis: Insteads ov given us welfare cheks every month ta buy Gloks off da crack dealers, why don't youz jus give us Gloks fur freez instead? Day way wez can go right to robbin stores, an you wunt have ta give us any muny. Everyboday winz!"
Thalleous then put his hand to his ear. "Ya hear dat? Mah main homie Adolf Hitler Junior wants ta speek wiv you. Jus give me a few seconds ta git him out."
Suddenly, without any sort of warning, Thalleous stood up, and dropped his pants, revealing to everybody that not only had he also blacked up his dick, but had glued googly eyes, and a Hitler moustache to it as well. Then he revealed that he could throw his voice, and gave it a high pitched stereotypical German accent.
"Vee must exterminate zee Jews! Zey are zee ones keeping zee niggas down because zey fear we will take over zee world, which vee will for we are zee master race! Vee must sends zem all to zee gas chambers, and take zere Jew golds four ourselves, which vee shall zen spend on hookers, and cocaine. Zis is our manifest destiny! Now go forth, and do our great work, and maybe kill zome faggots as well. Cuz you know, God hates zee fags."
With his speech apparently over, Thalleous slumped back down in his chair, and spent the next few seconds struggling very hard not to laugh. Then he perked up, as if listening to something.
"Wuz dat? You callin me a raycest!?" Thalleous asked, then got visibly angry, and started shouting. "Whateva, fuck dis sheeiit. Imma gonna go look for a white bitch now. Peace the fuck out niggas!"
Reaching over, Thalleous grabbed the gun again, took aim at the camera, and fired a shot right into the lens. The camera was obviously destroyed, with the live feed turning to static, and a few seconds later the transmission was cut completely, and the world was left to process what they had just seen.
Thalleous may have lied when he had promised the world a speech about hope, and peace, but he was right about one thing: He had most certainly made history, and people were indeed talking about his broadcast.
Author's note: Next time on Self Insert Zee, a gigantic space hulk appears on the edges of the solar system, and our hero goes out to investigate, only for him, and his boarding teams to quickly discover that they aren't alone on the hulk. Extreme ultra violence ensures.
