"I am the mother of all terrors! The Fates themselves! Hecate! Old age! Pain! Sleep! And all of the curses!"
Nyx cracked her whip, looming over Percy as a god to a child, and the space behind her filled out with nightmares and curses. Each one made the room darker than the last. His knees felt weak, and his lungs were tight, and he couldn't tear his eyes away from them. His hands shook, and his sword clattered to the ground.
"How dare you not tremble before me!" bellowed the enraged goddess. She cracked her whip again, and Percy flinched back, trembling. Nyx's voice lashed at his ears like spurs to a horse, making him shudder and gasp.
"No, don't touch him, Paul – Percy? Can you hear me?"
Too close. Percy recoiled, stumbled, and fell, hitting the ground with a painful bump. His breath came harder and faster, and he had to struggle not to scramble further back, fearful of attracting the attention of Nyx's children.
"You wish to see the Doors of Death?" Nyx demanded, from somewhere in the dark. "They lie at the very heart of Tartarus. Mortals such as you could never reach them."
The image of the entrance to the Mansion of Night flashed across Percy's eyes, suspended over the endless void of Chaos. A whimper crawled out of his throat.
"Percy, can you hear me? You're at home, in our apartment in Manhattan. You're safe. It's over, sweetheart, you're not there anymore. You're at home. The power went out, and it's dark, but you're safe. Can you hear me?"
The crowd of horrors writhed in front of him, barely distinguishable in the darkness; he only saw flashes of them, Eris' cruel grin, Geras' cloudy eyes, bat wings and bright fangs. He felt dizzy.
Percy scraped together all of his willpower and whispered, "M-Mom?"
"Yes, it's me, Percy. I'm right here. You can reach out and touch me if you like. Do you know where you are?"
"Erebus," Percy choked out.
"No, sweetheart. You're safe at home. We're in the living room. We were watching a movie, and you got up to make popcorn. You were bringing it back from the kitchen."
"I am the darkest! War and strife!" Darkness billowed out from the crowd, encompassing it like a puff of smoke and ink. The dim outlines boiled under the effect, making them even harder to see.
"I am darker still! I dim the eyes and addle the brain!" Darkness crawled out from the corners, swallowing the crowd.
"I am the darkest!" Darker.
"No, I!" Darker.
"No! Behold my darkness!" Darker.
An awful, strangled whimper squeaked out of Percy's throat.
"M-Mom," he said, and leaned forward to reach out. His hand came in contact with a soft sweater, and he clutched at it like a lifeline, an icy thread of relief starting to break into his terror. "Mom?"
"It's me, Percy. Is it alright if I hug you?"
"It's dark," Percy croaked.
"I know, sweetheart. Paul went to get the lanterns. He should be back soon."
Percy blinked a few times, staring straight forward. His eyes probably should have adjusted by now, but all he could see was the uninterrupted darkness of Nyx's children. "Mom? Can you hug me?"
Not a second passed before he felt his mom's unmistakable warm embrace, her arms holding him close and tight, like she could keep him safe with love alone. He leaned in, but his breath was still shuddering and labored, and he felt numb with shock and horror.
An eternity later, Paul's footsteps stumbled toward them, and Percy heard Paul whisper-shouting, "I've got them, I've got them, just a second!"
There was a faint thud, and then a lantern flicked on, casting light on the coffee table, the couch, the floor, the popcorn scattered on the ground, and Paul's shaking hands. Then a second lantern, and a third, and a little kid's lantern.
Finally, Percy felt like he could breathe.
"Percy? Are you alright?" Sally asked, soft and anxious. Percy shuddered.
"I'm okay," he said, cheeks wet with fear. "Kinda wanna cry. But okay." He realized he was still clutching Sally's sweater, and also that it wasn't her sweater, but her arm, and he was probably holding it tight enough to bruise badly. He loosened his grip. "Sorry."
"It's alright, baby," Sally soothed. "Do you want to try out your comfort gear?"
The self-soothing box. Right. As weak and shaky as Percy felt, it actually sounded pretty good. "Yeah. But it's in my room." Pause. "Paul? Can you go get it? It's right inside the door."
There was a brief, startled silence; Percy had never let Paul in his room before, and in fact, had explicitly told him early on to never go into his room.
"Of course," Paul said quietly. "I'll be just a minute."
He got up and disappeared back out of the circle of light, and Percy leaned into Sally's embrace, feeling exhausted. Sally squeezed him gently.
"Ready to get up onto the couch?" she asked. "There's still some cookies on the coffee table."
"Mmkay," Percy mumbled, and went along with her as she pulled both of them to their feet and steered him back to the couch, still well within the lanterns' radius. They settled down again in short order, and Sally had just given him a cookie when Paul returned and set the box within their reach. Percy stared at the box, and then leaned over.
Fang was the first out, familiar and cuddly. Then the blanket, an old and soft one, and a set of headphones he could drop around his neck to hear his music playing faintly. Finally he settled back into Sally, breathing a little easier, and bit into the cookie.
"That's it, sweetie," Sally murmured, sounding relieved. "Just relax. You're okay."
"I'm okay," Percy mumbled back, focusing on calming his trembling muscles.
This was allowed, he told himself. He was allowed to seek comfort, if he wanted it.
"I'm funny... I think," Percy said to Raine, and then laughed a little, scratching his head. "Man, my self-esteem really did nosedive, huh? It's been a long time since I second-guessed if I was funny or not."
"Many people think you're funny, Percy," Raine assured him gently. "You like that about yourself? Why is that a good thing?"
Percy winced. "Can I make a stupid request?"
"Always."
"Can you just say that first part next time? I know what you mean, but jeez, that kinda made my heart pound."
"Of course, I apologize," Raine said. "Can you tell me why you like that about yourself?"
Percy relaxed a little. "Yeah, that's better. Thanks." He tugged at his jeans thoughtfully. "Um, I like that I'm funny because it makes it easier to cheer my friends up. When we were... were down there, I could make Annabeth laugh when we were swimming in the Cocytus. I'm proud of that."
"That's an excellent reason," Raine agreed, writing something down. "What else did you write?"
"I... like that I'm loyal," Percy said haltingly, glancing down at his paper. He'd written everything large, not needing to conserve space, though he was pretty sure a lot of it was misspelled. "I don't hurt the people I love on purpose. That's more than a lot of people can say."
"That's true," Raine said. "Why do you like that about yourself?"
"It means that people can trust me," Percy said, with more confidence. "Not- not 100%, but a lot. My friends know that I won't leave them or betray them or anything. They... they know they can depend on me. Um, most of the time."
Even he winced at his urgent backpedaling, but he couldn't help it. He could almost hear the screeches of the arai arguing with him, tightening a vice around his lungs.
"Very good," Raine said, giving him a small smile. "What else?"
"Um, I'm resolute," Percy offered, and laughed a little. "Mom says that's the nice way of saying stubborn."
He tried to focus, working his way down the list with Raine. They talked about what it meant that he was loving, that he was openhearted, that he was a mama's boy, a caring boyfriend, a hard worker.
It felt nice, for the most part, and cheered him up as much as making the list with his parents had. Every step reminded him, people do like you, you do good things sometimes, you care about people.
Still, he couldn't push away the mounting sense of dread and guilt creeping up his spine, the part that hissed in his ear, lies, lies, lies.
"What else can you think of?" Raine pushed, when they were finished. "Are you kind, considerate? A good friend?"
Percy's blood roared in his ears. Somehow, he could still hear.
"Percy?"
"Percy! Why did you leave me?"
"Percy!"
"Percy!"
His lips moved, but he forgot what he was saying as soon as it passed them, and he didn't have enough breath to lend them volume. The raw terror and betrayal in Annabeth's voice eviscerated him.
"Percy. Can you hear me?"
Percy blinked, and slowly the world came into focus again. He stared blankly at Raine through the Iris message. No words came to mind. His stomach churned.
Raine looked tense, but her voice stayed calm. "Percy, do you know where you are?"
"...Not a good friend," Percy croaked. "Bad friend."
He was trembling.
"Okay," Raine said soothingly. "It's okay if you don't consider that one of your good qualities. There are still plenty of amazing things about you, it's okay if that's not one of them. Are you with me?"
Percy looked down. He almost reached for his stuffed shark on instinct, but guilt snapped at him. Bob and Damasen had died for him. What business did Percy have comforting himself?
"I'm gonna go throw up," Percy told Raine. "I'll be right back."
Shakily, Percy climbed out of bed and stumbled toward the bathroom. He dropped to his knees, braced himself on the toilet seat, and retched. Most of Percy's worst triggers made him dizzy, nauseous, or both; he was rapidly getting used to this routine.
When he was done, he rinsed his mouth out in the sink, grimacing, then took a deep breath and returned to his bedroom. Raine was fidgeting nervously with her pen, but she looked relieved to see him.
"Are you feeling better?" she asked softly.
Percy nodded and hauled himself back onto his bed, cross-legged. He hesitated, staring at Raine, and set his hands on the covers. He wanted to explain his reaction to her, but he thought he might throw up again if he tried. Or worse, start sobbing.
"Do you know what an arai is, Raine?" he asked at last. She shook her head. "It's the spirit of a curse. You curse someone, it becomes an arai. An arai finds you, and you have two choices. You can die on its claws, or you can kill it. But if you kill it, you get the curse."
He looked down. His hands were still shaking.
"What happened, Percy?" Raine murmured.
His mouth opened, then closed, and then he shook his head. "I, I can't talk about it. Sorry." His heart was pounding in his chest.
"That's alright," Raine said. "Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"
"I..." Percy trailed off, struggling to turn his attention inward without cringing away. "Guilty. Ashamed. Scared." He bit his tongue and wavered, a lump swelling in his throat. "It's bad. I don't deserve to feel this way."
"You don't," Raine said quietly. "You could never do anything to deserve to feel as badly about yourself as you do right now."
"No," he heard himself say. He decided he hated the way that his emotions could make him feel so awful that he may as well be turning inside out. "I don't deserve to feel hurt. W-what happened was all my fault. I don't get to be upset about it."
Something flashed across Raine's eyes, there and gone before he could read it.
"That's not true, Percy," Raine said. "Feelings don't have to be earned. When someone hurts you, you're allowed to feel hurt. Even if you're in the wrong, and you need to make it up to them, you can still feel hurt. No one can take that from you."
"You don't know what happened."
"I don't," she agreed softly. "And I won't until you tell me. It doesn't matter. These appointments are a private, safe space, and you can feel and express anything you need to. The only place where fault matters is when you're interacting with the person you may have hurt."
Percy's breath hitched, and he lowered his eyes guiltily. He'd been avoiding Calypso fervently since Leo had rescued her from Ogygia.
"Okay," Raine said softly, after a minute. "Are you up to another assignment?" Percy grunted. "Every day, I want you to write down three good things that you did. Keep them in a journal, or a notepad, anything. Do it every day."
"What if I didn't do three good things?" Percy asked bitterly.
"Ask your parents and Annabeth," Raine said. "Whoever you're with. If you ask someone for help, and you still can't think of three, then that's fine. But I want you to try."
Percy exhaled. "This is supposed to make me stop hating myself so much, right?" Raine nodded. "Alright. Okay. I can try, I guess."
"I can't remember the nice way to say I have a problem with this exercise," Percy admitted, thumbing the edge of his packet.
The corner of Raine's mouth twitched. "The generally accepted way is to say that you're uncomfortable with it," she said. "What's wrong?"
"I don't really..." Percy hesitated, considered, and amended, "I really don't want to spend two hours telling myself how bad and wrong my thoughts are. I know it's supposed to make me feel better, but that makes me feel bad."
Raine's expression turned thoughtful, and she nodded. "I understand," she said. "Thank you for expressing your reservations. I think that this exercise will be very important for you, since you struggle with negative self-talk so much-" Percy pulled his knees to his chest and slouched, dropping his gaze from the Iris message. "-but let's try and reformat it so that it doesn't upset you."
"Seriously?" Percy asked, somewhere between hopeful and wary. Raine gave him a gentle smile and a nod.
"We're trying to make you feel better about yourself, not worse," she said. "So while we still need to find a way to curb your negative thoughts, systematically disproving each of them may not be the way to do it." She nodded at Percy's packet. "We have your negative thoughts from yesterday. How can we influence them to be more positive without invalidating your negative feelings?"
It was always nice when Raine could turn his weird hang-ups into fancy psychology speak.
"...Shoulder angel?" Percy suggested. Raine blinked at him, and he shrugged and fidgeted with the staple. "You're always talking about me being a better friend to myself. Maybe we can, I dunno, try and make a voice that tells me good things instead of telling me to die. Like I'd say to a friend." He flushed. "I dunno if that makes sense. You can ignore me if it doesn't."
"No, I think that's a wonderful idea," Raine said, giving him a small smile. "We'll try to cultivate a positive inner voice for you. That would help you balance your inner self and feel less overwhelmed."
He relaxed a little. "So that is a thing we can do?"
Raine nodded. "It's just a matter of encouraging the thoughts. If you're able to get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts – that's your shoulder angel."
"Awesome." Percy sighed in relief. "So... for each of these, I guess we just make a positive thought for each negative one?"
Raine shook her head. "We'll skip disproving them, but I would still like you to explore the feelings and beliefs associated with your negative thoughts. In the name of balance, I'd also like you to speak about the emotions and implications of their positive counterparts."
Percy winced. "Uh, can you do an example for me?"
"Were many of your negative thoughts about your body?" Raine asked. Percy shook his head. "Then I'll use that as an example. Let's say that the negative thought is 'I eat too much.' The feelings associated with that might be guilt, embarrassment, and frustration, and the beliefs might be that you are eating more than you deserve, that you are overweight, and that you are bad for being overweight. With me so far?" Percy nodded. "Let's say that the positive counterpart is 'I can eat what I want.' The feelings associated with that thought might be contentment and assurance, and the beliefs might be that you are allowed to eat what you want, that your weight is fine, and eating is not something you're going to stress about."
Percy bit his cheek, then nodded. "Okay, I think I get it. Is it okay if I ask for help if I get stuck, though?"
"Of course."
He relaxed a little, and ran his hand over the page.
"So this is like, way worse than I thought it was going to be," he admitted to Raine. "And I thought it was going to be pretty bad. But, uh." Percy held up the packet and flipped through it for her to see. Three pages, front and back. Raine winced. "Yeah. Mom looked like she was going to cry."
"Did you notice any recurring themes?" Raine asked. Percy nodded.
"Yeah. Lots of stuff about me being a problem. A ton about me feeling bad for bothering Mom. Uh, I'm more anxious about Paul being unhappy with me than I realized. And apparently I'm not enjoying the break, because there was a bunch about me being a waste of space."
"Would you be willing to spend another session or two working through these if necessary?" Raine asked.
Percy covered his face with both hands. "Aaaah!" Raine waited. After a moment, he begrudgingly dropped his hands. "...Yeah. I'm just mad we have to waste a whole extra session on this stuff."
"It's not a waste," Raine said mildly. "We'd be spending time picking over what makes you feel bad and counteracting it. That's what we're supposed to be doing with this time."
"I guess," Percy sighed, staring down. "I don't even know where to start with this shit."
"Can you pick a few from each of the categories you mentioned?" Raine requested. "It'll be good to form a base for your responses before we cover them more comprehensively."
Percy grumbled, but spent the next few minutes squinting at his notes and making marks by some of the highlights. Lowlights? What was it called when you pinpointed your worst points of insecurity? "Okay, got 'em."
"When you're ready."
Percy inconveniently blanked. "Um, the bad thought, the feelings, and what again?"
"The beliefs that created it," Raine said. "And then a positive counter, the feelings that invokes, and the beliefs supporting it."
Percy nodded distractedly. "Uh, the bad thought is 'I'm never gonna get my life together,'" he said, slow and uncomfortable. Raine didn't react, her expression staying gentle and attentive. "And I guess... that makes me feel hopeless, angry, and sad. And the beliefs..." He cast his mind back to the example. "That I'm not going to get better, I'm not gonna get through high school, and I'll never be a functional adult."
"And what can your friendly voice say to that?" Raine prompted gently. Percy smiled a little.
"Friendly voice. I like that," he decided. "Maybe... 'I can pick myself back up.' And that makes me feel hopeful and determined, and I believe that this shit won't last forever, and someday I'll be in charge of my life again."
"That sounds perfect. Well done," Raine praised, and Percy smiled, quick and pleased.
It faded as he looked down again. "And I guess the next bad thought is 'I make everything about me.' And... that makes me feel ashamed and like, spiteful toward myself. Angry. And it comes from thinking..." He faltered, then shrugged uncomfortably.
"It's a generalization," Raine said, "but you should focus on what initially spurred the thought. Why would one incident cause you to think you make everything about yourself?"
Percy bit his cheek. "It was when I was explaining the assignment to Mom," he said slowly, "because she saw that I was writing stuff. I could see that she was worried." He crossed his arms. "I guess... it comes from thinking that people shouldn't worry about me, and... that I'm not worth worrying about?"
"And your friendly voice says...?" Raine prompted. Percy smiled a little.
"People care about me?" he suggested after a minute's thought. "That makes me feel good. Um, happy and loved. And it says that I deserve to be cared about, and they don't mind worrying about me."
"You're a natural at this," Raine said. Percy brightened.
"So the next bad thought is..." He winced. "Gods, it's probably good I wasn't watching Mom while I was writing this, huh?" He glanced up and explained, "The next few all kinda went together. With the last one, too. Do I still have to do them separately?"
"Please, if you don't mind," Raine said. "Negative thoughts cascade into each other, but they still come from different emotions and beliefs."
"Yeah, alright," Percy sighed. "So this one is 'I'm making Mom sad again,' and it makes me feel guilty, frustrated, and sad, and... it comes from thinking that I'm a burden on Mom, and... and that Mom shouldn't be sad about me?" He looked at Raine, then back down. "I don't know what I can say to that."
It's true, he bit off.
"Do you remember your first family therapy session with your mother?" Raine asked gently. Percy nodded. "Do you remember what she said when you apologized for being a burden?"
The memory made Percy flush, embarrassed and pleased.
"...Yeah," he said softly. "So maybe... 'Mom worries because she loves me?' I don't know if that's a positive, but it's comforting, and it makes me not feel so guilty."
"That works," Raine agreed encouragingly. "Can you tell me what beliefs it supports?"
"That... I deserve to be loved and cared about, and Mom doesn't mind worrying about me?" he suggested. Raine smiled at him.
"I want to point out," she said, "that your mood is visibly rising and falling as we have this conversation. It drops every time you name a negative thought, and rises every time you counter it."
Percy thought back and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess it is. That's weird. I wouldn't have thought stuff like this would affect me so much." Raine nodded, and then gestured for him to go on. He glanced down and winced. "'I don't know why Mom even bothers with me.' Gods, I hope Mom didn't read that over my shoulder or anything. She'd definitely cry."
"She cares about you very much," Raine agreed. Percy relaxed a little and nodded.
"So that makes me feel guilty and depressed," he said slowly, "and... it comes from believing that I'm not worth the effort, that I can't be helped, and Mom has better things to do than help me." He crossed his legs. "But... my friendly voice can say 'Mom would never give up on me,' and that makes me feel determined and supported, and... it helps me believe that I am worth the effort and Mom will always be there for me."
"Very good, Percy. You're doing very well."
Percy smiled briefly before looking down. "And the last of the set is, um, 'Paul probably wants me to leave so Mom can relax easier.' That... makes me feel sad and unwanted, and it comes from believing that I'm hurting Mom, and that Paul doesn't care about me as much as he does Mom. But my friendly voice says 'Paul is worried about me too,' and that makes me feel loved and... welcome, I guess. And it helps me believe that I matter to Paul and that making people worry doesn't mean I'm hurting them."
"You're doing wonderfully, Percy," Raine said sincerely, smiling at him. "It's a privilege to hear you be optimistic about your life and self-worth."
Percy managed a fleeting smile, and then crossed his arms self-consciously.
"Is this really okay, though?" he asked. "I mean... it feels nice and all, but after a while I'm just gonna feel like I'm lying to myself."
"That's because you're currently in a very pessimistic mindset," Raine said gently, "so an optimistic or even balanced approach feels unrealistic by comparison. The adjustment may be uncomfortable at times, but it will be good for you."
"Oh," Percy said. "That's what the whole disproving-the-negative-thought step was supposed to handle, wasn't it?"
"It was," Raine confirmed. "But as you can see, you're doing just fine without it. You just need to believe in yourself."
"Catch-22," Percy muttered, but he felt better.
