Will Scarlet was hunched over a crossword puzzle a singing bluebird had given him. Quill in hand, he studied the crossword with crossed eyes. His nose was black on the tip from ink smudges he'd subconsciously stroked on. That punch Zelena had dealt him had permanently left him with an uneven ridge along his jawline.

His neck was pulsating with pain, yet he continued to work on his puzzle. Until a pair of filthy blackbirds perched on his thighs and tried to have their way with him.

Without thinking, he snatched up a stick and walloped the throat of the female trying to rip out tufts of his hair (presumably for her nest). The other one was taken care of when he dropped the stick and subconsciously banged on the head with a large grey rock. The second bird moved no more, but the first one flew away.

Will started to get back to his crossword with the dead blackbird by his side. However, that was when a sharp headache seized him by the nostrils. Making a fist, he pressed it to the agony in his head the moment he gave up on the crossword. Propping his arrow-straight spine up with his thighs, he sat like that for two minutes before wrenching himself up to a standing position.

He couldn't believe Robin thought him a double-agent purely because Will liked the Evil Queen. What a filthy hypocrite Robin was. His nose in the air, feeling too full of himself and superior to people who liked to spend money. Wasn't like rich people didn't look down on people for not having money. Robin was a snob too, but at least rich people owned up to their faults. Unlike Robin the robber. He thought he was too damn good to be true.

And on Queen Snow White's behalf, Will was full of sappy, eye-wetting sorrow that that louse, Regina, had once again escaped retribution. He'd had a front-row seat—he could smell her perspiration. Also that ghastly smell her purple magic made when she teleported away. No one had been more upset on the queen's behalf than Will Scarlet.

Suddenly, Will heard raucous laughter and realized night was falling. The laughter was drifting from a bar through the wind. It wasn't quite sunset yet, but this side of the world was stretching its limbs to get away from the sun. Will let his feet carry him through some close trees to a bar surrounded by clusters of bushes. It wasn't invisible, but the person hired to trim hedges wasn't doing so often enough.

Probably too busy drinking in the bar.

Will could hear several people too drunk to do anything but sing to themselves. Half were men, the other half women. Will liked a drink here and there, but he preferred a sharp mind to one clogged hostage by alcohol. He would never get that drunk.

He didn't look down on those people though. He did spare a tad of pity for them, but at least drinking didn't make them mean and antisocial. In fact, the singing stemming from these people had happy throbs in the vocals, so it was hard to pity them. When they sounded so happy.

He saw Cinderella and Mulan with their arms around one another, making out. Cinderella was sitting sideways on Mulan's lap. When Cinderella pulled back, she fluffed her hair and mused, "My husband doesn't know I'm cheating on him and robbing vermin while I do it! I am so good at playing a damsel in distress, but Sergio thinks I'm a lamb as innocent as snow on the inside." She tittered and played with Mulan's ear cartilage. "That's what the stupid man gets for marrying me five minutes after he met me! Guy's rich but naïve as a newborn duckling. At least, in regards to women. Can't walk two steps without him accusing men of having something shady up their sleeves."

"I thought your husband's name was Samuel…or Shaun…Christopher?"

Cinderella scrunched up her mouth, trying to concentrate on what Mulan was saying even though they were both extremely drunk. "I don't know…it starts with an ess sound, so I doubt it's Christopher…but you made me realize I don't even know my husband's name! Good thing I call him Sweetie." Then she clapped in delight. "Oh! That's his name! Sweetie!"

"No," Mulan argued, her eyes shining devilishly, "it's Purity!"

"Come to think of it…" Cinderella licked the underside of her upper lip, "I don't think Sweetie is the suspicious lad I was thinking of…I think it was that last guy I tied up in a hotel room after having my way with him before I burned the whole hotel down." She giggled proudly. "With him in it."

Then she leaned forward, gave Mulan a hickey, and marveled, "But you naughty girl! You skinned those fools who thought you only wanted a kiss! My god are men dumb. Makes defeating them hilarious. They underestimate us, think we're," she cocked her head and stuck her tongue between her teeth, "so innocent…"

Will was super annoyed listening to this conversation. The reason he'd been inclined in the first place was because at first, he'd pondered getting both of them in bed with him tonight—at the same time. Now, he was so disgusted with them that even though he found both of them very attractive, he decided to pass on trying to seduce them.

From the sounds of it, they weren't easy to con anyway. He rubbed his misshapen jaw. He'd known Zelena wouldn't be easy, yet it rankled him that she hadn't been even vaguely flattered. She was no fun, how dare Robin bring her into his Merry Men…Women were only allowed to join if they were married to one of the thieves, or that's what Will felt was true. Though come to think of it, Will wasn't sure any single woman had asked Robin if they could join. And Will certainly wasn't a woman…but if it were Will's band…

Well, of course, Will preferred married women to single women because there was nothing more fun than stealing someone else's toy on the playground. And Will had proved his talent for trying to make out with the Merry Men's wives did not—in fact—reduce how many friends he had. He still was wanted. In fact, Robin had beseeched Will to come to the Ways, and Will had turned him down flat.

Well, Robin wasn't married, so perhaps that was why. And Will had to admit Queen Snow being a single woman might be why Will wasn't trying to get in her pants. He liked her as a person—especially when she sent him these fun crosswords. But he didn't find her attractive.

Though, he had to admit to himself, he didn't find the Merry Men's wives attractive either. He liked making out with them—or trying—because of drama. The thrill of wondering if the husband would come along and wallop him upside the head then throw him in the River of Souls…or carry him to the edge of a mountain and use a human-sized slingshot to hurl him miles away…if he got caught.

But the inane thing was he only got punched by the women.

Emily had frozen like a rabbit when he'd kissed her. In the first place, Emily was too soft to be one of Robin's family. She'd burst into tears and run off when Marian had done her little scary "welcome to the club" initiation, then she'd frozen like a rabbit being licked by a hungry wolf when Will went for her. Kissing her had been like making out with a dead deer, so he'd called her "Bambi" when he was done then continued to torment her, harassing and assaulting her. No one saw it because he'd managed to get her alone for a couple of days without anyone's awareness. No one had put two and two together that they were missing because Will's careful planning had meant that the Merry Men were scattered across the country when he dove for her.

When they finally rejoined the band, she ran into her husband's arms, crying so hard she couldn't talk, but she sputtered bits and pieces at him. Her husband had plainly not understood a word she said. Lovingly, he'd tried to calm her down. Brushing her hair behind her ear and kissing her neck (the place that normally calmed her when she was hysterical). But nothing had comforted her, and she'd never managed to tell him what happened.

Because she'd been so upset she'd ended up running off. Her husband had chased her, and he saw her getting caught by a man-eating plant. It had snatched her up, eaten her, and belched loudly.

Therefore, in the end, only Will was left alive and knowing what he'd done to her. Marian had given him a disgusted, knowing, and hate-filled glower, but she'd never spoken her suspicions aloud. Because she didn't "know" anything. She merely suspected, based on what she did know about Will.

Far as Emily's husband went, he was so chagrined, he consumed a poisonous mushroom in daylight hours. Everyone in the Merry Men assumed it was on purpose. Because he'd truly loved that weak woman.

One of the wives had waved a knife in Will's face when he tried to kiss her, and she declared she would stab him straight in the chest if he did it again. So he had never tried a second time, but that didn't stop him from taunting her over, "how much you want it. You know you're only threatening to kill me because kissing me would be your favorite memory…ever."

As long as a woman was properly induced in the Merry Men, if they caught him kissing one of their own, there'd be five other women bonking him with their fists. Punching him with all they had. Hence why he had to get Emily all alone. While she'd flunked their initiation, she'd still been protected by the wives from him. Until he outwitted them.

What Zelena had done would ensure he'd hate her for the rest of his life, find her ugly, and never dare try to kiss her again. But it wouldn't stop him from trying to play with other men's wives.

And hell, if Cinderella and Mulan weren't psychotic, that'd be a fun night right there.

But he swaggered past the evil souls of them in his holier-than-thou boots and plastered a large, constipated grin on his face as he asked the barkeep for a beer bottle. The man shrugged. "All out of beer. That woman," he nodded at Cinderella, "nabbed my last one. I know, what bar runs out of beer? This was a busier night than I expected. All the foreigners came to the country tonight, and this is the bar they picked! Not that I mind. Most of them left after grabbing a beer, so it's not crowded in here, at least."

Annoyed by the unwanted information, Will stretched his face even more, so he looked like he was sitting on a toilet. The man looked away. He'd only been so open in hopes it made Will stop looking so uncomfortable. "Wine bottles?"

"Sure, the little ones. You want two? We've got Rosé and Chardonnay."

"I'll take one of each, thanks."

When the barkeep handed him the two bottles, a woman hand grabbed one. She was gone before he could look up and see her face.

Twisting the lid off, he thought, Ugh, women. With a grimace, he pondered, At this rate, I'll be lusting the men before long. I really hate women personalities. The only reason there isn't a bounty on them is their bodies are so intoxicating. Otherwise, we'd be shooting them to death.

"Excuse me." Crikes, would these women leave him alone? "I was sitting here."

Rolling his eyes, Will got up and left the bar.

Thinking to himself, Queen Snow White is probably the only decent woman who lives.

That was when he bumped into the sallow, bald man wearing a black cape with a collar that rose to brush against his ear cartilage. On one hand perched a baby dragon with his wings folded against his reptile body. The other hand had a large ring on his middle finger with a demon shape protruding. He stroked the dragon with his ringed hand, from the top of the dragon's head down to the bottom of its back.

Will didn't know if this was a real thing or if the wine he was drinking was some funky drink disguised as wine. Or wine with some truly evil stuff mixed in it. All he knew was when the vampire bowled his baby dragon at Will, Will flinched. But he never felt the wings brushing against his skin, and when he opened his petrified eyes, both the dragon and vampire were gone.

His heart would not return to normal for several days. He handed the rest of his wine bottle to the next person he saw then found a hill to sit on. Covering his face with his clammy hands, he waited anxiously for morning to come and soothe his spiked nerves.