Chapter 14: Burgers for a baby
Maura's POV
So she didn't confess her undying, eternal love for you. What did you realistically expect? She got up after your night together and ran away, after all. You should have known all along that it would play out like this. It feels like you have been playing this exact game for years now, you tugging on your end of the rope to pull her closer to you, and sometimes you succeeded, making incrementally small progress, but then, sooner or later, she would always retreat.
You are so tired of it and if not even a night of passionate, beautiful lovemaking can make her take the plunge, probably nothing can. Of course, you have given her an easy way out. You just didn't think she'd be so quick to take it. And you did leave so much space open for her between your carefully chosen words. Carefully chosen, yes, because your inability to lie meant that you had to tread extremely careful. You would not have been able to tell her you are not interested in her romantically or that your hot, intense sexual encounter was just a mistake you could never again repeat. It would have been so easy for her to read the silence between your words. And so, either she did not get what you were trying to communicate or she did not want to. You suspect it's the latter which is extremely disappointing after so many years of secretly longing for her to touch you, and not just those platonic harmless little touches – a gentle hand on your lower back when she guided you through a doorway or her absentmindedly tracing her fingers over your arm in passing – but real touches, intentional ones.
Ones meant to arouse, tease and gratify.
Could she be simply too scared to admit she has feelings for you that exceed normal friendship? The thought crosses your mind again and again, like a faint buzzing you just cannot fully ignore. You know that she is not as fearless as she likes to pretend. She also doesn't like to draw attention to herself. And yet... could she really be so afraid of other people's reactions that she would give away something she really, truly wanted? Perhaps not, which means that maybe she simply does not want to be with you. Period. And could you actually blame her for that? Yes, you might seem like a catch from a distance but you tend to be socially awkward, you have a well-paying and demanding job but it makes most people uneasy that you perform autopsies on dead bodies for a living when you could have become a regular surgeon instead; and deep down, you still sometimes feel like the little girl that was taken to boarding school by her always busy and often emotionally unavailable adoptive parents, standing forlornly in the dining hall on her first evening there, while alliances formed and friendships developed and you had no choice but to accept your role as the outsider, the brainy but boring one.
Jane knows you well which means that she also is familiar with all of your personality traits and you are quite sure that she finds some of them rather exasperating. You always take things too literally, for example. You make the worst jokes. You hold mini-lectures that can make you sound like an arrogant know-it-all although you are simply so intrigued by scientific facts and findings that you can't help but try to share your knowledge with the people around you. You try to mask feeling out of place with expertly applied make-up and expensive designer clothing. All in all, you might just not be that much of a catch.
"You seem distracted today, Maura", your yoga instructor remarks. It's not the same one you once went out with. You have learned that it's not so easy to find a good yoga teacher so you are not planning on repeating your mistake with this one – Kareem is his name.
"I am a little preoccupied", you reply and try to focus again on your current position, Kareem now supporting your backside with his strong arms and large hands. Jane has strong arms and large hands, too, but hers feel so different – no, you correct yourself internally, you can't go on thinking about her like that.
However, when Kareem approaches you after the hour is up and most of the other students have left, you politely decline his suggestion to have lunch together. You are not even sure he means it as a date, but you are not ready to start anything right now.
"There is someone you care deeply about, yes?" Kareem asks, a knowing smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
Your eyes widen in surprise. "Is it that obvious?"
He chuckles kindly. "I have known you for a while now, Maura, and you are not your usual self."
You sigh. "Well, then I urgently need to regain some of my self-control."
He raises his brow. "You do not sound happy."
Your smile is pained. "I should be over the moon, to be honest. Something wonderful has happened recently. A huge dream of mine has become true, but then something else happened and now I am... conflicted."
"About the dream?", Kareem asks patiently.
"No!", you protest with fervor as you think about the tiny human being growing inside of Jane. You could never have mixed feelings about the child you have wanted for so long.
Trying to stay vague, you explain: "It is just that there truly is someone, someone who means a lot to me and I feel like I am being ungrateful and greedy because I don't want to give her up, either. Fulfilling my big dream, however, makes it even more difficult to be with her. I also do not think she wants to be with me, at least she has not told me so."
"It's a she?", Kareem asks. There is not a trace of judgment in his voice but you still blush. So much for remaining as vague as possible.
"Yes", you reply, "but as I said – it is not going to happen."
He gives you a long look that feels very scrutinizing, like he is trying to crawl inside your head but his voice is gentle when he speaks again. "Well, you should never force anything, but when you do have a special connection with somebody, you will always be drawn to each other."
"I do think that what we have is special." It feels empowering, in a way, to get the words out, to tell another person about it.
"Then", he concludes, "there is nothing to worry about. Just give it some more time. Focus on your dream, for now. Things will fall into place naturally."
You want to believe him but you also do not want to nourish any false hope you still have left in you after that sobering conversation with Jane. It would probably be healthier for you to just extinguish the stubborn flame inside of you.
You thank Kareem for his kind words and decide to not mull over them if you can help it. However, you will take to heart his advice to focus on your dream. You are having a baby! Motherhood might not be as unachievable for you as you were left thinking a few months ago. You want to do this right. You want to be the best version of yourself for your child.
R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I
"Remind me again what this appointment is for, exactly?", Jane wants to know, fidgeting on her chair in the clinic's tastefully decorated waiting room. You smile at her good-naturedly. "It is the first pregnancy scan, usually done around the 6th week of pregnancy. It can be determined if the pregnancy is in the uterus and not an ectopic pregnancy – one outside the womb, that is", you add at her questioning gaze.
She sighs. "I know we talked all of this stuff through, but it does sound a little scarier now that it's real. Like, what if the embryo is located somewhere it shouldn't be?" You know that she is trying her best to sound casual, add a sarcastic undertone even, but you can sense her anxiety.
You place a soothing palm on the back of her hand. She startles but then relaxes and even looks you directly in the eyes which seems to be a good sign. The past few weeks have not exactly been horrible or anything, and both of you made an effort to be on your best amicable behavior. Nonetheless, there have been moments of awkwardness, like the one time she winked at you from across the Division One Cafe and then blushed furiously, probably already cursing herself for that tiny gesture that she once wouldn't have spent a second thought on – but that was before her touch had had you writhing in pleasure. Korsak even came down to the morgue once and carefully asked if things were "going okay" between you and Jane. It was a very couple-y question to ask so you could not really blame him for asking you and not Jane. Jane has always been the more guarded, inhibited one when it came to her relationship with you. At least you managed to remain vague with Korsak and assured him that you hadn't fought and that probably both of you simply had a lot on their minds. He seemed satisfied at that and since then, you feel like the tension left between Jane and you has further decreased but this is the first time that you touch her like this, casually but also with purpose, in a way only people quite close to each other tend to do.
"Jane – I know pregnancy can be overwhelming at times", you say, quietly, evenly. "I promise you that you will get only the best medical care and-"
She takes in her surroundings and snickers at the impressionist paintings that are placed on the walls at reassuringly regular intervals. "That I have no doubt about", she murmurs.
"- and while I cannot predict the course of this pregnancy", you continue, "I will be right by your side whenever you need me. You can count on me."
You love the way she smiles at you then, all sweet and moist eyes and trembling lower lip. "Thank you", she replies quietly and you can only try to suppress your shudder when she actually links her fingers with yours and does not even let go immediately again, but chooses to remain like this, with you. You know it should not thrill you like it does, because she only means it in a platonic way, but it does feel good and oh her fingers are so long and dexterous -
"Miss Rizzoli?" A friendly nurse pops her head into the room and smiles brightly at the two of you. "Doctor Young would be ready for you now."
You both already know Doctor Young from former visits but Jane still frowns when she gets up and turns around when she sees you have remained on your seat. "Aren't you going to come in with me?", she asks, confusion visible on her features.
"Oh, umm -" You didn't think of this beforehand, why didn't you? This is something you should have prepared her for sooner, but you always tend to make assumptions based on your own medical knowledge that other people know more than they actually do. "It will be a vaginal ultrasound today, Jane", you say softly. "So I figured I would wait here and only come in after the actual exam has been completed."
"Ah, err – I see", she stutters, a faint blush on her cheeks. You expect her to just turn away from you now and leave the waiting area, but instead, she remains standing in front of you, and with a frown, she says: "But you should be there. All the time, I mean. It is your baby, after all." Her words are not accusatory or sarcastic. They're an invitation, kind and considerate although you can sense that there is still some embarrassment she is trying not to show.
"But – you wouldn't mind having me in there?", you try to make sure.
She smirks at you. "I don't really think it would bother me. It's not like you're going to, like, stare and make me feel weird about it, right?"
You can't hide your expectant smile when you get up. "I don't intend to, no."
R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I
"I didn't even see much!", Jane complains in the voice she uses when she is exaggerating her actual emotions.
You focus on the road for a moment before you reply: "Well, the embryo can't be larger than 8 millimeters by now, but the gestational sac was actually clearly visible!"
"Gestational sac", she grumbles in mock annoyance, "who cares about a gestational sac and also it was just this weird dark... thingy. With a lighter thingy around it."
She never fails to make you laugh. "It is important, though. The gestational sac is the structure filled with fluid that encloses the embryo. And inside it, there was the yolk sac, exactly where it should be – so your pregnancy is developing perfectly so far!"
"Yay", she exclaims flatly but in a way you recognize as her being actually pleased with something, and then she hopefully adds: "So can we go get some fast food now?"
"Absolutely not!", you instantly object. "You, Jane Rizzoli, are pregnant, which means that we need to take excellent care of your nutrition!"
"But I thought that was the good thing about being pregnant", she whines. "I mean, pregnant women eat all the time, right? And they get all kinds of cravings so I crave a really big, really greasy burger right now!"
"A balanced diet is extremely important during pregnancy", you explain and accelerate the car a little as you notice you are currently driving past some fast-food place. No way Jane is going to badger you into stopping here to get chicken tenders and fries. "You will need to eat healthy and also keep in mind to drink enough water. I have actually debated meal-planning for you, including some healthy snacks for the in-between, I mean, when we are together, I cook most of the meals anyway, but I think it would be beneficial in order to keep track of-"
"Gosh, Maura", she yelps dramatically and mimics starving. "Can't we just pretend I'm a reckless teenager who got pregnant by accident and shovels food inside her mouth all day?"
You snort. "Over my dead body."
"Hey, that's an idiom!" Jane tends to get rather excited about you using colloquialisms and getting them right.
"It is a hyperbolic expression frequently used in a joking manner", you reply, "but I do mean it, Jane." You shoot her a hopefully stern look. "You are not going to live on junk food during this pregnancy. Understood?"
"But this is the only time in its life this kiddo will ever be able to enjoy some good ol' greasy Dirty Robber hamburger", Jane deadpans, "because as soon as it pops out of me, you will feed it avocados and whole grains and those disturbingly healthy acai berries", she grimaces.
"You want to get it hooked on saturated fatty acids and sugar before it is even born", you point out, "so I do think that I should be the one taking care of both of your nutritional needs."
"Oh, Maura", Jane sighs between laughs. "You truly are adorable."
Luckily, you have to keep your eyes on the road, because you doubt you could hide the affection written so plainly over your face otherwise.
Thank you for every single one of the follows and favs and comments. Writing this story makes me feel all happy and fluffy. Most of the time, at least, hehe.
