Chapter 16: Ma
Jane's POV
It is your day off and Maura has decided to come home for lunch with your Ma. And not just any lunch, that is. Today, you are going to tell her that you are pregnant with Maura's baby and you honestly don't know how you feel. Your mother has been nagging you about grandchildren for years; it has gotten a little better now that Tommy has procreated, at least, but she's still secretly hoping for more little ones in the family; and as the oldest and her only daughter, she has always seemed especially interested in your personal life.
You know that she must secretly be a little disappointed that you are willing to carry a child for Maura while you, yourself, are far from reaching that goal. You don't have it in you to tell your mother that at this point, you have basically already accepted the fact that you're not going to be a mother ever. You told Maura the truth: You just have not met anyone you seriously wanted to start a family with, and you don't feel empty or bereaved. Well, okay, sometimes you do wonder what it would be like to experience motherhood – the overwhelming intensity of a love and protectiveness so fierce that your child's survival and happiness would feel like an almost terrifying burden and exhilarating and meaningful at the same time. However, it's not like you mourn for this alternative life you could have had: Because, overall, you are content and happy, you enjoy your independence, your dedication to your profession, and all the small conveniences of childlessness: sleeping late on your days off, not having to always take into consideration whether your plans and activities are suitable for kids, more money to spend on yourself, less drama and trouble and putting your own needs last. Heck, sometimes you even get annoyed at Joe Friday for always having to walk her, feed her, monitor her wellbeing – and you do like that little dog a lot more than you normally admit to anyone.
When you think about motherhood, it's mostly out of curiosity, a sense of wonder; you deeply respect and admire all the women out there who live their lives and also take care of a family; you think there should be more recognition for the enormous weight they carry.
You are glad that Maura arrives at her house before your Ma does; you still don't really know how to start the conversation. Maybe Maura should be the one to announce she is expecting a baby, but then again, your whole situation is very unusual and there is no clear set of rules to guide you.
Maura tells you a little about her morning at work while she finishes preparing the light lunch she has already started to put together in the morning. You can't help but be amazed at how absolutely caring she is while also working hard at her job and not neglecting herself. She has started to meal-prep a lot for you, which you are immensely grateful for as it has gotten more difficult for you to cook your own meals due to the morning sickness that seems to have gotten slightly better but still flares up often enough to make you pretty uncomfortable.
Today's lunch will consist of a spinach salad with avocado, dried berries, chopped tomatoes and some walnuts. You do know that Maura watches you especially closely now that you are pregnant, but it definitely warms your heart how she intuitively almost always chooses food that you actually consider "safe" to eat. It's not a small feat as your likes and dislikes currently change rather rapidly.
You both set the table together; while doing so, Maura kindly inquires about your own day so far, which is nice as you have not really been up to much; she nevertheless seems genuinely interested to hear about it. Yep, she'll most definitely be a great mum, and if it wasn't likely to come across as weird to tell her this as often as it crosses your mind, you would absolutely tell her again.
"Are you nervous about telling Angela?", Maura gently asks while getting out three bowls from a kitchen cupboard in order to portion the salad.
"Uh, dunno. Somewhat, I guess", you reply, not wanting to increase her own anxiety.
She throws a quizzical glance in your direction. "Do you still feel up for this conversation today? We do not have to fill her in today; we can just enjoy a relaxed lunch together and talk to her some other time."
The suggestion is temping but you kinda want to get this over with. "I'm fine, Maura. I was just wondering who should tell her. I mean, it obviously is your kid, and so I guess it would make more sense for you to announce you're expecting, but on the other hand, it is currently inhabiting my womb, so -" You shrug. "I know there's no right or wrong way to do this, it's just something we maybe should have decided upon together."
In the exact moment Maura opens her mouth to speak, you hear the front door open and Joe Friday's excited yelping as Angela enters the house and instantly greets the tiny terrier by cooing nonsensical phrases.
Maura and you share an apologetic glance with each other before you both say Hi to your Ma who is her usual self, cheerful and chatty.
Lunch itself is rather uneventful; you have a good day and can actually enjoy your food which is nice because it tastes delicious; Angela immediately compliments the ginger dressing that goes with the salad; she then shares a story about one of her best friends' "famous" salad recipes which leads her to another story about "that one girl that you knew at school, Janie, oh yes, you must remember her, the tall one that always wore her hair in pigtails?"
You get a little impatient when you have eaten up; and your emotional tension expresses itself as you starting to bounce your leg under the table. It's not something you consciously do, but Maura, when she notices, instantly puts a soothing hand on your pants-clad thigh. The sudden physical contact makes you startle, but in a good way, and after silently asking for your permission by a sideways glance and a subtly raised brow, Maura very gently rubs up and down your upper leg while simultaneously addressing your Ma: "Angela, I would like to make quite an important announcement if that is okay with you."
Your mother immediately sits up straight in her chair, concern apparent on her face. "What is it, Maura, dear?"
Your hand covers Maura's smaller one caressing your thigh under the table without you having made a conscious decision to. It's almost like your body pulls closer to her in moments of distress; and while you have nothing really bad to expect, you can't help but feel nervous about confiding in someone else about this part of the journey. It makes it so much more real, and real stuff can go wrong.
"Well", Maura clears her throat which tells you that she must also feel some anxiety despite her calm demeanor, "as Jane and I have told you some time ago, she volunteered to carry for me – to get pregnant for me, I mean... and, well, I, uh, we..."
You are so stunned that you completely forget about your own worries. Maura Isles, your usually so eloquent and linguistically versed best friend, is now at a loss for words, stuttering and not knowing how to phrase what is currently happening – inside your body and in both your lives.
You come to her rescue automatically, her discomfort somehow giving you the strength to get the words out rather unceremoniously: "She's trying to tell you that I am pregnant with her baby, Ma."
Angela's eyes get as big as saucers as she digests this piece of news with her jaw dropped. Her mouth opens and clothes several times before she manages to ask in a strangely squeaky tone of voice: "Are you serious... girls? Is this really true?"
"Yeah, Ma", you reply, surprised that you are currently the person at this table that seems the most put together and able to express herself clearly. "I." You point at yourself with your free hand, the one that is not intertwined with Maura's fingers on your thigh, "Am. Pregnant", you continue, "With. Maura's. Child." You lightly nudge your best friend for emphasis.
Angela inhales dramatically before she emits another curious noise, somewhere between a squeal and a sob: "So you are having a baby?"
You don't really know whether she is asking you, Maura, or both of you, but you clarify once again: "I am pregnant, but it is Maura's child, just like we told you."
"I know, I know", your Ma brushes you off as if this part wasn't even of importance, "I am just so – so pumped, Janie!"
You squeeze Maura's hand under the table. To your relief, she squeezes back and then she even speaks up again: "I am very excited as well. I know that the circumstances could seem quite outlandish, but -"
"Nonsense", Angela cuts her off decisively, "nothing about this baby is outlandish." She claps her hands together in a spontaneous outburst of delight before she stands up, claiming: "Oh my God, I can't wait to be a Grandmother!" and you don't even get a chance to gently correct her that first of all, she already is a Grandma, and secondly, this child will not technically be her grandchild. She has rounded the table before you realize what she is doing, pulling you up from your sitting position and looking you up and down with an almost enraptured expression on her features.
"Janie! Look at you! You're pregnant!", she states reverently and gestures at your stomach that you still find very flat and unremarkable.
"I know", you laugh and because the last thing you want is for Maura to feel left out right now, you gently tug at her cardigan to make her stand up, too, and as soon as she does, Angela luckily pulls her into a hug that looks positively bone-crushing. "Oh, love, I couldn't be any happier! You must be so excited – after all you've been through... isn't this the best feeling in the world?" she asks, and although it seems to be more of a rhetorical question, Maura somehow manages to agree that yes, indeed, it is an unparalleled feeling of joy while getting the air hugged out of her slender form.
"Okay, okay, Ma, that's enough", you quip and put a hand on her shoulder so she lets go of Maura; she does, but only to turn around and pull you into a tight embrace, as well; she seems to be a little more careful with you, though, probably already committed to keeping this baby as safe as humanly possible.
After a while, you squirm in your Ma's arms. "Okay, okay, enough touchy-feely for now, can we please sit down again?"
Angela obliges happily. She is bursting with questions and you completely understand even though you have often wished for a mother less crazy about babies. Maura, though, seems to thoroughly enjoy chatting to her and it makes you all fuzzy and happy inside to witness how much she lights up when Angela asks her about cribs and play-suits and to which preschool does she want to send the little one?
You laughingly interject at this particular question: "Whoa, Ma, slow down, it is not even a fully formed human being yet!"
"Sorry", Angela mumbles sheepishly but you see her exchange an impish smile with Maura, eyes sparkling and full of something like grandmotherly pride although she is not technically going to be a Grandmother. Well, she considers herself to be a Grandma for this child equally as for TJ, and you know how Maura feels about it, so that's all that matters.
Maura is reluctant to get up and head back to the morgue, but she absolutely has to, so you assure her that you will load the dishwasher and talk to her again in the evening. She smiles at you at the door. It's one of the smiles that truly reaches her eyes and makes her whole face light up almost angelically. "See you tonight", you manage to say in a voice that is thick with emotion at the edges. Telling your Ma really has meant the world to her. She is actually closer to Angela than to her own parents, both adoptive and biological. You sigh when you think about telling all of them, too.
"Do your brothers already know?", your mother unexpectedly pipes up from behind after you've closed the door.
"Jesus, Ma, don't creep up on me like that!", you whine and step away from the front door, sinking down onto the couch. "Of course they don't know yet, you're the first person to know."
Angela beams. "Oh, Janie, I'm so honored!"
"You mustn't tell them", you hastily warn, "we wanted you to be the first to know, but we're gonna break the news to Maura's parents next and then, we can let Tommy and Frankie in on it." You grimace at the mere thought. You love your brothers to pieces, but they're probably gonna have a grand time teasing you about the pregnancy. Tommy's eyes will likely practically bulge out of his head when he learns that his older sister is carrying the very attractive doctor's child. Tommy has always fancied Maura, you know that, but it has started to truly bug you only recently. It started when – no, not now. Your Ma is here and staring at you kind of expectantly. "Huh?", you ask.
"I said, they will be very happy for you and for Maura", Angela repeats, dragging out the words to ensure she finally has your attention.
"Well, it's Maura's babe, so they should be happy for her", you stress.
Your mother just shakes your head. "Oh Janie, don't be dense. You and Maura are in this together and there is no way this pregnancy is not going to affect you emotionally, too!"
"Well, I hope it doesn't affect me too much", you retort, "because this baby is Maura's, Ma. I mean, sure we'll all be very present in its life, but let's focus on her, okay?" The intensity of your mother's gaze is starting to make you uncomfortable. You let your eyes wander and fall onto one of the magazines on Maura's coffee table. The New England Journal of Medicine. Hmm. You reach for it and pull out the one hiding underneath it. "Ha! I knew it!", you exclaim triumphantly and hold up the latest edition of People Magazine. "She thinks she's really clever about hiding her tabloids but", you chuckle knowingly, "I always manage to find them."
Your mother sighs deeply and comes up behind you, softly stroking over your raven curls, twirling one thick strand of hair between your fingers.
"What are you-", you start, but your mother says, at the same time: "There is nothing wrong with being who you are, Janie", in an earnest tone of voice that makes you drop the People Mag back on the table. "Okay, Ma, are we still having the same conversation?", you ask, a little irritated at her sudden intensity.
"Very much so, sweetie", she only replies and gives you a kiss on the top of her head while ruffling your hair affectionately. "And now I'm gonna put away those dirty dishes for you because you are pregnant and should rest!"
You reach for the tabloid once again. "For once I'm not gonna fight you on your words, Ma." You hum contentedly as you sink deeper into the couch cushions, already leafing through pages of celebrity gossip. Immersing yourself into other people's drama is also a good way not to overthink your Ma's words.
R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I-R&I
"I was so happy about your Ma being happy for us", Maura states as she leaves the en-suite this evening. Her face is free of make-up now, she has probably undergone her complicated skincare regime judging from the time she needed in the bathroom, and she looks ridiculously beautiful with her hair in a simple yet elegant bun and in her light-blue silk nightgown, the spaghetti straps revealing creamy and distinctively feminine shoulders. You force your gaze away from them and look in her eyes instead. "For you, you mean", you correct, thinking of your Ma's words from earlier today.
"No, for us", she instantly corrects, "haven't you seen the way she could hardly tear her eyes away from your belly? I think she just loves seeing you like this, knowing that you will experience something she herself experienced three times", she continues while getting into bed on her side.
You change your position, rolling onto your side and propping your head up on your elbow. "Yeah, well, I'm mostly just glad you two had such a lively conversation about all that stuff. 'twas good too see you like that", you admit and she gives you a dimpled smile, the one you have been craving to see all afternoon long.
She blushes a little. "I hope it does not bother you that we engage in such conversations. I mean – you are her daughter, Jane, and I do not want to give you the impression that I am somehow taking something from your mother that should be yours to share with her... does that even make sense?", she scrunches her face up, apparently not satisfied with her phrasing.
"Nah, I know what you're trying to say", you reply honestly, "and you really shouldn't worry about it. I mean, we're family, right?" It occurs to you how stupid that must sound after your very intimate encounter, but you carry on: "Ma loves you with all her heart, you're like a daughter to her, and she really wants to be involved, so", you shrug, "take everything she has to offer. But you can set boundaries, too, of course", you add with a smirk. "We all know she can get a tad...intense."
"She's amazing", Maura states a a little shyly, "and what you have just told me means a lot to me. However, I never want you to be reluctant to talk to her about this pregnancy and this baby you are carrying either, okay?"
"This is not about me-", you start to point out but she shakes her head quickly.
"Jane, I appreciate how much you want all of this to be about me. But it is your body, and you get to experience pregnancy, and I never want you to hold back because you've somehow convinced yourself that you are just – a vessel. You are not, okay? Let your Ma assist you...", she trails off when she realizes you wanna interject. "Well, I let her load the dishwasher today", you say, half-joking, and she chuckles at the admission. "Well, that's good, because she actually sticks to my system."
"You don't need a system to load a dishwasher!", you groan dramatically and roll onto your back, slapping your forehead. "It's not rocket science."
"While I strongly disagree with you and would love to explain your error in reasoning to you, it currently is of much greater importance to me that you take my words about you being more than just a vessel for this pregnancy to heart." Maura has not missed a beat saying this and you tear your hand away from your face in astonishment at the raw emotion lacing her words.
She looks vulnerable and gorgeous in the dimmed lighting her bedside lamp provides, leaning against the headboard, her knees propped up and her arms hugging her legs tightly to her chest. You pull yourself into a more upright position. "Maura. Why are you this perfect?"
Her eyes widen in confusion. "I don't understand-"
You give a slow shake of your head. "It just never ceases to amaze me that you always put everyone's feelings first. Like, how much you want to include me in everything although it is your dream coming true. I don't know if I were as considerate would our roles be reversed."
"You would" she states without the slightest hesitation. You want to look away but find that you can't, mesmerized by hazel pools speckled with hints of deep green.
"Here", you say and finally reach out for her hand. She lets you guide it, her eyes a mixture of endless trust and wonder, and then you gently place it down on your tee-clad stomach.
"Feel it", you offer as she keeps her hand frozen in place. Her gaze still searches your face for permission you are more than willing to give. She tentatively starts to move her hand across your lower abdomen, making sure not to let it wander down too much.
"It still feels quite unremarkable to me", you admit, "but sometimes I think that my belly is expanding a little?" You give a faint shrug. "Maybe just my imagination running wild, though."
She smiles at you dreamily without pulling her hand away. "Have you experienced round ligament pain?" Under most circumstances, you would probably make fun of her for talking so stiltedly, but this is not the time. You only raise an eyebrow in a silent question.
"It's a pregnancy symptom that can occur at the beginning of the second trimester", she explains, "and for me it was like a sharp jab of pain on both sides of my abdomen."
You wonder why you have not asked her more about her pregnancy. You've probably just wanted to avoid to put your foot in it but Maura does know what it is like to be pregnant and you still regret not having been there for her back then more.
"Nah, so far I haven't had that symptom", you say, and getting braver because you do wanna share with her, as much as possible actually, you add: "So far it has only been morning sickness and, well – my breasts have been pretty tender for a while now." Heat rises to your cheeks.
She doesn't bat an eyelid. "Well, your hormones are spiking up due to the increased blood flow to your breasts, so that is completely normal. Is it uncomfortable?"
"Sometimes, yeah", you admit. "It's not too bad, though."
"Wearing really well-fitting bras could help to ease the discomfort", she readily suggests, "and frequent warm showers or baths should be worth a try as well." She perks up as another thought crosses her mind. "Oh, and I'll pick up some lanolin cream tomorrow. You can apply it and see if it brings you relief."
Can you be embarrassed and not embarrassed at the same time? 'Cause this is what talking to Maura about your sensitive chest feels like. It's soothing, confiding in your best friend about a minor inconvenience and at the same time, it's nerve-wracking considering she has not only seen, but also touched your breasts.
Maura, apparently taking your silence for discomfort, tilts her head questioningly. "Too much to stomach right now?"
You vehemently shake your head. "No. Like I told you, you're perfect. I'm kind of glad, actually, that you are a doctor and I don't have to run to the Ob/Gyn for every little thing because I'd probably totally freak out reading stuff on the web."
"You really should not google pregnancy symptoms", she agrees, "and you can ask me anytime. Nothing is off-limits, Jane. Alright?" Her hand lightly brushes your bare arm as she pulls it away from her stomach where it has been drawing patterns on the fabric of your t-shirt the entire time. It somehow felt so natural and grounding you did not really even notice and judging by the self-conscious look on Maura's face, she didn't either.
"'A'right", you promise softly and reluctantly turn on your other side this time, facing away from her. This has been a pretty good conversation, albeit very emotional and a little awkward, and you suddenly worry about ruining it. "Good night, Maura."
It takes her a moment to answer, her voice the faintest whisper as she turns off the lamp, plunging the room in darkness. "Good night, Jane." A sound catches in the back of her throat, like she wanted to add something and then didn't. You listen closely but there's nothing more and eventually you drift into slumber.
