Hey everyone, happy Sunday!
I didn't want to leave you hanging for too long, so here's the next chapter.
I hope you enjoy it. I think it's an interesting one, but can't wait to read your thoughts about it.
Thanks for reading and reviewing and showing so much support to this story.
Happy reading!
Xoxo,
Nina
Everything around her was buzzing. She didn't know if it was the noise of the crowd, the three beers she had chugged down or if it was the sight of Adam and his gorgeous girlfriend.
She was all over him, and who wouldn't? Could she really blame Victoria for that? No, of course not. The only thing Kim could do right now was hate her for doing all the things she wished she could be doing or hate herself for letting him go when losing him was the last thing she wanted.
Kim wanted to leave, to run away, but how obvious would that be? So she stayed, hiding her feelings behind stupid jokes, and beer, until she couldn't stay at that table anymore and offered herself to get everyone another round.
She walked to the counter, made the order and told Hermann she would be right back to pick it up, but the fireman offered to take it directly to where they were hanging out.
"Great, thanks Hermann." She said politely, doing her best to camouflage the huge knot in her throat.
Kim moved carefully between the people at Mollys, trying to be undetected by her colleagues and stepped out of the place, desperate for some fresh air.
It was cold out, or at least that's what she felt. Icicles piercing her bones, that was the exact feeling. She hugged her arms tight around her chest and closed her eyes taking a deep breath hoping it would soothe her.
It didn't.
"Do you always run away?" He tried to make her laugh but her rolling eyes hinted that he wasn't really successful.
"Only in emergencies." She said, hugging herself tighter. "Usually no one comes after me though."
"I guess there's always a first time for everything." Halstead shrugged. Out of everyone he was probably the last one she expected to show up for her. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah."
"Kim…"
"No. I'm not ok. I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling right now." She snapped. She was mad, not at him, at everything around her.
"Ok. That's a good start." Jay remained calm, one of them needed to be. "Do you wanna get out of here?"
"Please."
"Say no more." He extended his hand out and she took it desperately. "I know just the place."
They climbed into his truck and left. The drive was quiet, the traffic wasn't that bad and Jay had turned on the radio loosening up the atmosphere a bit.
"Should we stop for one more beer?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
Jay smiled softly and made a left turn on the following corner. He parked his truck in front of a convenience store and got off to get the beers he offered. He didn't ask Kim if she wanted to go with him, wanting her to stay and relax a bit.
Halstead was quick to return to his car, handing her the brown bag and turning the ignition back on.
"Thank you." She finally spoke.
"Don't thank me yet. Just wait until we reach our final destination." He chuckled lightly and kept driving. A few minutes later he killed the engine.
They were somewhere Kim had never been before. It was some sort of hill with an amazing overview of the city.
The darkness of the sky made a perfect contrast with the stars and the lights from the city.
"Can I thank you now?"
"Yup." He nodded proudly. "I like to come here when I feel overwhelmed."
"Thank you two times then." He turned to look at her a bit confused. "Yeah, for pulling me out of the water and for sharing this spot with me."
"What are friends for?"
Kim smiled and looked down.
"I'm sorry."
"What?"
"Yeah, you didn't have to leave Molly's, too."
"It's fine Kim, I much rather be here. I saw your face and it seemed like you needed a friend, and believe me, I know exactly what that feels like." He took the bag from her hands pulling out both bottles, handing her one and keeping one for himself. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well, I don't have much to say." She took the first sip from her drink. "I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it?" She joked, making fun of herself. "I guess I needed to see that to face my feelings, the ones I've been pushing away for so long now."
"And does this change anything?" He asked, getting a puzzled look from her. "Like, do you feel like going back home now?"
Kim shrugged. "I know how weird this is going to sound, but I feel like I don't really have a home to go back to."
"What do you mean?"
"Sure in DC I have my apartment and my job and Erin, but Washington was never really my home. It never felt like that." She took a deep breath, this was the first time someone else besides Erin heard this confession and everytime she managed to put it into words it was like putting salt over a wound. "I'm not complaining. I know it was my decision and I have a good life, but it's not home."
"Does that mean you're considering moving back here?"
"What for? This isn't home anymore. I walked away from that. Everyone moved on and everything is just so different."
"Different doesn't always have to be bad." His voice was soft and soothing. He had no idea Kim was feeling that way and he really wished he could help out.
"I know, that's not what I'm trying to say." She sighed before taking another pull from her beer. "Like I said, I made a choice, I left and I never expected to come back and find everything intact. It's just that everything that used to feel like home before, is not here now. Erin is not here, my friendship with Kevin isn't what it once was and…" She stopped. She didn't want to mention Adam's name right now. She didn't want to make it sound like she was mad at him, because the only target of her anger was herself. The brunette took the deepest breath of all and forced a smile, once again pushing all her feelings under the rug. "But, you know what? It's fine. I caused this. I chose my path, it's nobody else's responsibility. I'm just gonna focus on Aaron Jones, catch him, go back to DC and do my thing." The beer flowing down her throat was what she needed to pretend that everything was alright.
"Kim, you don't have to pretend like everything is fine when you don't feel like that."
"Well, what would be the point of not pretending? I can't go around the city crying like a weak loser, especially when it's on me."
"If crying it out won't help, neither will blaming yourself twenty-four seven. You did what you thought was best at the moment. The same way I did what I thought was best when I moved out and left Erin. Yeah, maybe we screwed up, maybe there was a better way to solve the problem but we didn't know that or we couldn't see it at that time."
"Or didn't want to see it." Kim added.
"Or didn't want to see it." He nodded as he repeated her words. "The thing is, what's done is done now and we can only move forward."
"Jay, all this time I could swear on my life I was moving forward. Everything I did, everywhere I went, every person I talked to, in my mind that was me moving forward." She lifted her palms facing up to the side of the body and scrunched up her face in total surrender. "And all it took to realize that it was all a big lie was, what? Four days?"
"All it took was seeing Adam again."
She shut her eyes to the sound of his name, but someone had to bring him up. Jay looked ahead while he sipped from his bottle, giving her some time to process everything that was coming out of that conversation.
"I empathize with Ruzek a lot."
Kim never expected to hear those words right now, but she wanted to hear what else was going to come out of his mouth.
"I know what it is like to feel lost like that. Waking up one day and finding out the love of your life is gone. It sucks."
"I wasn't the love of his life."
"Who told you that?"
"He did. With his actions."
"Kim, just because people don't show their feeling the way you expect them to do it doesn't mean that the feeling doesn't exist. And believe me when I tell you that you were the love of his life."
The brunette didn't know what hurt more right now, if the content of what Jay was saying or the use of the word 'were'.
"I had no idea you were having a terrible time in DC, none of us had. Kevin maybe." Kim shook her head and Halstead shrugged. "The thing is, we didn't know and I'm assuming that you don't know what it was like for Adam either. I mean you can ask Kevin if you don't trust me."
"I really don't want to drag Kevin into this. I feel like he had enough already."
"Ok, fair enough. So what are you planning on doing?"
Kim shrugged. "I don't know. Nothing, I guess."
"Ok. Ok, so you're going to do nothing and hide your feelings like you've been doing for the past, what? Seven years?"
"Eight." She corrected softly, feeling like a little girl who was being grounded by her dad.
"Tell me exactly how that has been working out for you, Burgess?"
"What do you want me to do Jay?"
"Something." His tone of voice was raising. He was beginning to get carried away by his desire of helping her wake up, move away from the belief that this was what it was, what was meant to be, because Jay himself didn't believe that and he wasn't about to let Kim drown again. "You took the first step coming here. That shows how brave you are. Don't run away again. Not even in an emergency." He tried to use her own words against her and gained a soft chuckle from the brunette sitting in his car. The volume started to drop, trying to give her some comfort. "Stay on that path, own it. Just be honest with yourself. What do you want to do? Like seriously. What do you genuinely want to do?"
"I can't do what I want to do."
"Why?"
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? Didn't you just see the bombshell he has for a girlfriend? What am I supposed to say now? 'Oh, hi Adam, it's so nice to see you happy, but I'm just gonna take a second to intrude into your perfect life and say I made a mistake, I should have never left you. I missed you like crazy and I never moved on from you.' Is that what I'm supposed to say?" The tears couldn't stay in her eyes anymore and they shyly began to roll down her cheeks.
"If that's how you feel, then yes."
"I can't do that to him." She looked down at her legs, not wanting to meet Jay's gaze. "I really am glad he's happy and I have no right to say anything."
"I don't think his life is all that perfect, Kim. Maybe he needs to hear you say that as much as you need to say it." After another pull of his beer he waited for her to look at him and continue talking once she finally did it. "Look, I'm obviously not forcing you to do anything that you don't want to do or aren't ready to do. All I'm asking is for you to think it over. Check if this course of action has been beneficial for you and if it hasn't then change it." He paused just for a moment. "What's the thing that you regret the most?"
"Not talking to him before calling off the engagement."
"Then why are you going to do the same thing again?" She opened her mouth to speak but he didn't let her. "Don't say anything. Just promise me you'll think about it."
"I'll think about it."
"Great! You just made my day right there."
"Really?" She asked doubtfully, getting a grin and a nodding head from Jay. "That must have been one crappy day, then."
"Oh, it was."
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Hmmm." He took his hand to his chin and pretended to be thinking about the offer, but the answer was already settled in his mind. "How about we keep that conversation for the next beer night?"
Kim smiled. "Sure. I love the sound of that."
"It's a plan, then." He looked at his watch and then back at her. "Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time hanging out with you, but it's kind of late and we need to be at the district first thing in the morning tomorrow. Mind if I drive you home?"
"Not at all."
This time the drive there wasn't that quiet. They made small talk and started to catch up with each other's lives. It felt nice to have a friend when she was feeling so lonely.
"This is me." She said when they reached her building.
"This is one nice place."
"Yeah, Erin outdid herself with this one."
"She sure did." Kim unbuckled her seatbelt and turned towards Jay, wrapping him in a tight hug. "Thank you. I really appreciate everything you did for me today."
"I'm glad I was able to help out. I'm here for you Kim. Chicago is still your home and I am still a friend."
"It really means a lot. I'm here for you too."
"I know. Do you need a ride for tomorrow? I can pick you up."
"No, I'm fine. Thank you though."
"You're welcome."
"Good night, Jay."
"Nite."
