Hey everyone!

Loved your comments on the previous chapter. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review, it's truly motivating.

So here's a little update until I can post again.

Happy reading!

Xoxo,

Nina


Her apartment was dark and empty, maybe a parallelism of how she was feeling right now. To be honest, that short but deep chat with Jay had helped. She still wasn't sure what she was going to do, she didn't know if opening up to Adam was the right move, but at least sharing her feelings with someone else made her feel lighter. His opinion gave her another perspective that pushed her to put things in a different focus. But most importantly, it made her feel like someone had her back here. It felt like she was closer to home.

The message in her phone was impossible to ignore.

Hope the night out at Molly's was worth canceling our video call. Lol, just kidding. Have fun, you deserve it.

Ummm… It was very revealing.

Kim replied as soon as she got out of the shower.

That doesn't sound good.

Erin's message came in record time.

Can I call you?

Burgess shot back, but she got no reply. Instead, her phone started buzzing indicating an incoming call.

"Hey." Her voice was soft. Kim didn't have a lot of energy to be chirpy right now.

"Hi. How's everything over there?"

"What do you want first, the case or my disastrous life?"

"I'm calling as a friend right now, so I literally couldn't care less about the status of the investigation. What's up with you?"

"I decided to take your advice. You know, loosen up a bit, try to socialize. That ended with me having a few interesting conversations."

"Please tell me more."

Kim chuckled at the interest her friend was showing, because she really had no idea how crappy the ending to this story was.

"Yesterday I had a girl's night with Upton. It was fun. I mean she seems nice."

"Good. I'm glad you were able to make that happen."

"I also had a few interactions with Adam."

"And…?"

"I wouldn't really know how to describe them. But I guess I can tell you one thing though."

"What's that?"

"You were right. I never moved on from him. I still care, I still like him, I feel like a complete moron for letting things get this far."

"Kim." Erin sighed. "It wasn't only you. He was also a bit immature back then."

"Yeah, I know. But it's not like I was any better." Kim walked around her apartment as she spoke to her best friend. "The thing is, I can't do anything about it now."

"You can talk to him."

"He's in a relationship. I met her today. At Molly's." A deep breath almost choked Burgess. "It sucked."

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not like I never contemplated this possibility. He moved on, and I'm glad he did. He deserves to be happy."

"You deserve that too. I'm sorry I wasn't there to support you."

"Me too. I needed one of your hugs and then a pep talk where we would end up trash talking about everything and everyone." Kim joked. "But it wasn't that bad. Jay had my back."

"Did he?"

"Uh huh. It felt nice having someone to talk to, like really talk to. I feel like I can't have the conversation I had with Jay with Kevin. He's like Adam's brother, it would be weird. Plus I kind of lost my rights to that friendship when I disappeared from Kev's life too."

"I understand the whole Kevin being very close to Adam part, but I'm sure he doesn't feel that way in regards to your friendship. You were so close, Kim. He cared so much about you. I don't think that changed for him. Did it change for you?"

"No. Not at all."

"Then maybe you should consider talking about that with Atwater."

"Yeah, I don't know. I have a bunch of things I need to consider right now and I don't know where to start."

Erin waited for her friend to keep talking and clarify that last statement.

"Jay thinks that I should talk to Adam, tell him how I feel. Being truly honest and not running away for a change."

"I kind of agree. Talking to him doesn't necessarily mean that you would end up happy and together, but maybe it helps you bring closure to the situation."

"Yeah. I don't know. I just know that I have to go to work tomorrow, look at his face and pretend I'm alright."

"You don't have to pretend, Kim."

"Yeah, I do. I'm gonna come across as a needy teenager if I don't."

"Who cares what people think? The only thing that matters is what you think and the weight that this will have on you if you keep bottling up your feelings."

"I know. I know that's the best thing to do on paper. But actually doing it, it's not that easy."

"I'm sure it won't be. But maybe that's exactly what you need. You're already there, facing your demons. Why not go the extra mile?"

"I… I'm not even sure what I would say if I ever decide to talk to him."

"You always said you felt like you should have had one last conversation before moving. That you never really gave him a chance to tell you why he kept things from you or why he acted like he acted."

"Yeah, but I know why I did that. I did that because I was afraid of the answer I was going to get. My heart was broken enough, it didn't need to be crushed by hearing that he wasn't really that into me. And to be honest Erin, I still don't want to hear that."

"I totally get you and if saying nothing is really what you want then I will support you, but I want you to think about every possibility. You already know what it's like to live with the doubt and the regret of not doing something, maybe the answer you'll get will be painful and it'll suck but then at least you will know that you did everything you felt needed to be done and you'll be able to move on; not half way but for good."

Kim sighed on the other side of the phone call. "I guess you have a point there. I don't really wanna think about this right now, I just want to sleep and be in a good mood tomorrow at work."

"Then do that. The rest will come. Just…" Lindsay paused for a quick second. "Consider it."

"I will." Kim smiled. "Funny how you and Jay gave me the same advice. You're so aligned." She teased her friend getting a chuckle from Erin in response.

"That's because we're both very smart individuals." She shot back, trying to deflect the conversation.

"Yeah yeah. I see what you're doing. Don't think you'll get away from the you and Jay conversation. It'll come."

"Nice to see you're feeling better now." Erin joked and they both laughed. "Go to sleep, Burgess. We'll talk tomorrow."

"I'll videocall you and we'll have our dinner date."

"It's a plan!"

He had trouble sleeping. Again.

At first he tried to keep basic, and blamed his inability to sleep on the right he and Tori had as soon as they left Molly's. He had declined her invitation to go back to her place and didn't provide a counter offer ending up in his apartment and spending the night together, which was what usually happened when he didn't feel like going to her place because her roommate was there.

But the real reason why he declined was so much more complex than a stupid fight.

"What's going on Adam? It's like you don't want to be with me anymore."

Her words still echoed in his head, partly because of their heaviness and partly because she was screaming at the top of her lungs making a scene in the middle of the street, and he honestly didn't have the energy to keep up with this high school drama at the time.

That phrase, that statement was so triggering for him because part of what she was saying was right. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her anymore and to be honest the more he thought about it, the more he thought that maybe he never really wanted it. That he ended up in that relationship out of desperate need to move on from this platonic relationship he still had with no one. The need to live a real life and stop lingering.

But now? Now he wished he'd never done that. He wished he could sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with Kim, clear out all their shit and heal all those unresolved issues they had. That was his ultimate goal, and he felt like he was on the right track last night until he saw the look on her face when Tori said she was his girlfriend.

Adam kept an eye on her the whole time, as he pretended to pay attention to what Tori was saying. Thinking about that made him feel like a total asshole. It wasn't Victoria's fault that he was emotionally unavailable and if want fair to put her through all of this.

But this realization hit him later, in the emptiness of his home, as he scrolled through his Instagram feed to see if Jay had posted anything after leaving Molly's.

He knew it was stupid because Halstead, like most of them, was hardly present in social media and because he had no proof they had in fact left together but he had no doubts either.

He had no idea what he was doing, and that was the real reason for his insomnia.

Just like he knew it would happen, Ruzek woke up before the buzzing of his alarm and he didn't even try going back to sleep, he was tired of fighting his own head. So he got up and got ready to go to work, stopping for some coffee and a bagel on his way there.

He was motivated to get to the precinct early, because often Kim did the same thing; and even though he had no clue what he was going to say to her he was desperate to have a few minutes alone with his ex and do whatever crossed his mind at the moment.

Adam was buried in his computer screen, trying to get ahead of work when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. His head shot up quickly, hoping to find the face he had been longing to see since he opened his eyes in the morning.

"Morning, Ruzek. Didn't expect to see you here so early."

"Neither did I." It was true, he also didn't expect his answer to come out as bitter as it did and he hoped Jay hadn't picked that up.

"How did your night end up?" Halstead asked as he approached his desk.

"It was ok. How about you?" Apart from having a normal conversation with his friend, he really wanted to know what he had done after leaving.

"Great. Me and Burgess went for another beer and we caught up a bit." Jay didn't have any intention to keep his interaction with Kim a secret from him.

"I figured you left together." The bitterness was back and there was no way of hiding it now.

"We didn't exactly leave together."

"I'm just repeating your words, man."

"I didn't say that. I just said we went for another beer. I went outside, found her standing there and thought it was a nice chance to talk." Jay shrugged naturally.

"Cool." Adam replied dryly and looked at his computer screen again. He didn't want to think about last night and whatever its outcome was.

"Are you jealous?" Jay inquired with a smile on his face. Adam, without lifting his head up, looked at his friend over the top of his eyes. Halstead was sure that if Ruzek could throw laser beams out of his eyes he would have completely melted him.

Yeah. He was jealous.