AU: When an exploration mission goes way off the left field, Jack and Sam are left to patch up their lives. Will that door stay open?
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are the property of MGM/Amazon. No copyright infringement intended. I am once again taking my favourite two Gaters for a walk in an Alternate Universe. Takes place after 5.05 Red Sky with some canon episodes skipped (overlooked) and others referenced.
Rating: Gonna start this one as M from the get-go.
TRIGGER WARNING: Nothing specific.
Chapter 7: Falling
As Commanding Officer, I should have been angry, but I found that simply was not possible. Had it been any other soldier under my command, I probably would have been, but I had learned long ago that Carter was different. The impartiality that should have gone with being the CO cracked and broke years ago where she was concerned, right about when she disobeyed my order to not return to that bunker. I had assigned Carter to the final watch. A watch she had never taken. Instead, I woke up, aching pleasantly in all the right places, with the love of my life laying on her side facing me, our legs tangled together and her hand resting in the crook of my neck, a content smile playing on her lips. Watching her sleep as I had done so many times, it pained me that last night was the only time we would have together, even though she said she wanted more, I knew she didn't really mean it. I cursed my weakness in the heat of the moment. The smart thing would have been to turn her away. Giving her one final kiss as I brushed some wayward hair from her face, I stood and dressed, then leaving her asleep, I stepped out of the tent ready for the day.
"Morning Jack!" Daniel called more excitedly that normal.
"Morning Danny. Teal'c." I replied nonchalantly, just waiting for the tirade of innuendo filled 'how did you sleep's', and 'I told you so's'. I was about to ask for a sit rep, but he beat me to it.
"Teal'c and I are about to head back to the site to have one last look at something and then pack up. Sam's still bundled up in her sleeping bag. Teal'c said she was too tired to take watch, so he did it for her." He listed off, his face completely devoid of any knowledge that Sam was not in her tent as he handed me a coffee. I looked at Teal'c for confirmation. He merely smirked in his all-knowing fashion but said nothing. A look that told me he knew exactly where Sam was and why she had not been woken for her watch.
"Oh, and ah, where did you sleep?" I asked Daniel.
"In with Sam since you had pretty much taken over the whole of our tent. How do you manage to do that anyway?" He asked, a little peevishness in his voice.
"Err, what can I say, I like to spread out." I replied, taking a sip of my coffee. I walked over to my pack and ferreted out a granola bar for breakfast, then sat down. Daniel watched me for a while.
"So, is your 'friend' still hanging around?" He asked. I looked up trying to gauge what he was really asking. I flicked my eyes to Teal'c.
"I would hardly call it a friend Space Monkey." I chided.
"Better than calling it your twin or your brother or..."
"Yeah, I get it Daniel. It was hanging around right through my watch and some of Teal'c's. It eventually went away. Your snoring probably scared it off." I said out loud, perhaps a little exaggerated. Daniel pulled a face. It was at that point I realised I hadn't seen or heard from my doppelganger since a little before Sam woke me. I was pretty sure it had infiltrated my dreams because... well let's just say two words - vivid and Carter. "Knowing my luck, it'll reappear when I least expect it." I added, though I was certain it was gone for good. I checked my watch. "How about you guys head back, I'll wake Carter and we'll catch up after we break camp."
"OK, Jack." Daniel replied. I watched as they both turned and walked across the field to the buildings in the distance.
Once they were far enough away. I jumped up to check Sam's tent. Crouching, I unzipped her tent. What I found when I unzipped her sleeping bag was her pack pulled apart and distributed inside to make it look like she was there. Her beanie was stuffed with spare underwear and on her pillow. I laughed and backed out of the tent.
"You're not the only one who can fool Daniel." She said from behind me. Pivoting on my toes, I saw her sleep ruffled and looking truly impressed with herself. She walked over and wrapped her arms around my waist as I stood up, then kissed me like we were old hat at this. Initially, I held back not wanting to encourage her, but one touch of her tongue on my lower lip had me opening my mouth to her questing tongue, her hands travelling the length of my back and gripping my shoulders to pull me closer. I was lost, until the CO in me managed to gain control allowing me to withdraw my hands from inside her shirt and pull back from her.
"I see that." I replied, working hard to keep my hands roaming her body. "How are you feeling?" I asked, before relenting and smoothing that same strand of hair off her face, then settling both on her hips with a squeeze.
"Sore." She said with a sexy smile, causing me to wince at the thought of hurting her. She saw my reaction. "Deliciously sore in all the right places." She smiled brightly and arched into me. God did I want her. I closed my eyes to focus back on the moment instead of the desire to drag her back to our tent.
"Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" I asked, still needing reassurance.
"No. If anything you weren't rough enough. Maybe next time?" Next time. Counting to ten in my head and thinking of Mayborne naked to stop a physical reaction to those words, I swallowed. "Jack, I haven't been with anyone except my buzzy friend since I broke it off with Jonas. Now that I know, that door isn't going to close." She said, her smile bright and sexy and 'come hither'. Next time. There couldn't be a next time I reminded myself.
I withdrew my hands and placed them on her face. "It has to Sam. One night, to make hologram Jack go away. Remember." I whispered, hating the sound of those words.
"I know what I said, but I want more Jack." She replied, tipping her forehead to touch mine. Closing my eyes again, I breathed her scent in. Memorising it, burning it in my brain.
"What about SG-1, what about your career Sam?" I asked as I opened my eyes to stare at hers - brown puddles focusing on blue orbs - I knew how important her career was to her. She had said as much, and I refused to believe that our little side missions were enough to change her trajectory in barely 36 hours.
"I was wrong, Jack." She replied, her bottom lip firmly under her teeth and fingers curling over my ear as if I had hair long enough for that before her arms settled around my neck. "I've been lying to myself, resisting the pull you have on me."
"Sorry Carter, I can't do this to you. You deserve someone better than me. We have to close that door." I replied, pulling her hands from around my neck. "This is for your own good." I said, trying not to let the pain in my heart bleed into my voice or my expression. Trying not to let her know that my decision to push her away and how I was prepared to do that was blackening another part of my soul.
"Jack, what are you saying?"
"I am saying that last night was... amazing and memorable, but we can't do it again. We have to put it back in the room."
"No. Not this time. Jack, I can't... I can't... please." She begged. God did I want to give her everything, but I couldn't. Frowning, I patted her hands and went to turn away.
"Jack, no… please! Don't do this." She pleaded, her hands flying back to my shirt lapels, pulling me back to face her. "I love you. You said loved me." She cried, trying to pull my lips to hers, but I held her back by slipping my hands to her shoulders to keep the distance. Her words had me so close to breaking, it wasn't funny, but I needed to do this. I needed her to not throw it all away after one night together. I loved her too much. More than life itself.
"Sam, you know we can't be on the same team, or in the same chain of command and be together."
"But one of us could retire, or I could move to another team or department. You said there were ways. Jack, please there has to be a way!"
I shook my head, "They won't let me retire, I've tried many times. Sam, I won't be responsible for you losing your career. You'll be in command one day."
"Another team? No, I could be a scientist." She pleaded, tears now threatening.
"It won't matter, with me as 2IC on the base, you will always be in my chain of command while you are at the SGC, even if you move to another department." I explained. She needed to give up on this. Give up on anything with me. I was dangerous to her and her career. She had dallied with the lunatic fringe before, I was no better than Jonas, I just hid it better.
"Then I'll transfer to the Academy and teach, or Peterson and fly aircraft. I'll resign from the Air Force and be a civilian. Hell, I'll quit the SGC entirely and get a job at that café you like if it means I can be with you! Jack, we could make a life together, a family." She cried; her tears no longer held back. Dammit! She was serious. Having a family with her was straight out of my dreams, but I couldn't let her do this. I wasn't worth it. This mission had reminded me how much I didn't deserve her, or anyone.
"Sam, you can't mean that. You are going great places with the Air Force, you will be a General Officer one day, hell you might oversee the SGC. I can't… I won't take that away from you!" I ground out. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her. I needed to make her see that.
"It's my career Jack! It's my choice, you don't have a say. What is the point in having a fantastic career if I can't share it with the man I love! I know you love me Jack, please don't do this to us." She cried, her hands smoothing up the sides of my neck as I held her back. My skin tingled under her fingers. Pain lanced through my heart at the look on her face.
"Sometimes that isn't enough Sam. I can't give you what you want! There is no white picket fence with me. I am staring down the barrel of 50 years old. I have grey hair, a bad temper, and a lot of baggage. I have nightmares, sometimes violent. You are young and smart, beautiful… you have so much more going for you than settling for an old cranky war horse." I said loudly, knowing I was pulling out the worst of me to try and convince her. "Dammit Sam! You'll be 54 when I turn 70 years old!"
"I don't care about any of that Jack! I want your bad temper, I want to comfort you through your awful nightmares, and run my fingers through your grey hair. I want to read my books while you watch Simpsons or hockey. You act as if being 50 makes you old and done, but you are fitter than many men half your age. Hell, you are fitter than my brother who is the same age as Daniel!" She borderline screamed at me. Her tears were mostly gone now, and I could see the anger brimming across her features. "If I leave, you won't be my CO anymore." She yelled, her bottom lip trembling. It was time to end this before the others got back.
"Well, I am right now Carter! This conversation is over, Major." I ground out and stepped away from her, fighting the locked up man screaming for me to run to her instead of running away from her. I fought to keep the emotion off my face. A task that had always come as second nature, until I met her. She had become my guiding light, a way back from my darkness, she was the air I breathed and now I was suffocating.
"Oh, I see how it is. Now that you've fucked me, you don't 'feel feelings' anymore? Just like one of your little black ops girls." She barked with a sneer on her face.
"What did you say?!" I yelled in my best parade ground voice.
"Oh, didn't think I knew about them, hey? Newsflash, Sir, I know everything there is to know about you." She said, poking me in the chest.
"How could you know?" I asked, trying to mask the panic in my voice. How could she know? Those files were redacted, blacked out, most of my professional life was a secret. Blackest of black.
"Have you forgotten when you killed me? It put me in the mainframe. The SGC is connected to everything. I was there reading your unredacted file while you were debating whether to kill my body. Amelia, Katie, Louisa..." She started reciting first names. Names I had fought for years to forget. Names that caused physical pain and mental anguish when voiced. Sara had wanted to try for a daughter and call her Katie. Her admission caused me nightmares for weeks.
"STOP!" I yelled, fighting the memories that bubbled to the surface. "Those files are classified, you had no right!" I ground out while pacing, trying to calm my anger, my panic and my sudden unbidden desire to finish something that I had been ready to do on an unknown planet six years ago. Before Daniel. Before Skaara. Before Sam.
"And you had no right to tell me you cared more than you should - no right to tell me you loved me while you came into my body - no right to take it all back and use my career as your excuse! Was it all a lie Jack? Every word, every look, every smile, every invitation to the cabin... were they all lies just to get into my pants?"
Her words stung me on a level I hadn't felt before, but I had to make her forget about anything with me and refocus on her career. I was unstable, dangerous, undeserving. Hating what I was about to say, I looked up into her eyes and ground out through gritted teeth. "That's right, Major."
Her face changed from anger to despair immediately, "No! Jack, I don't believe you."
"That's 'No, Sir!'" I corrected her, "Now pack up your gear, that's an order Major! I'm going to check the perimeter." I boomed, then grabbed my P-90 and stalked off, holding back my emotion until I was well and truly away from her. Feeling the itchiness in my eyes, I steadfastly refused to let the tears out. Not here, not now. That would be reserved for later, when I was home and several scotches towards drunken oblivion. I walked, then ran, not even following the pre-set route. I should have known this would happen. I had been such an idiot to think that she would be OK with putting in back into the room. She'd said as much last night. I loved her so much it hurt to walk away, but it was for her own good.
"Dammit! You fucking idiot Jack!" I cursed, "Why didn't you turn her away?" I asked myself over and over. Keeping things locked away was so much easier when I didn't know what she felt like, what her breathy gasps sounded like and what she looked like in blissful ecstasy. I leaned my head against a tree and closed my eyes. I hated this stupid planet. It made me long for things I knew I couldn't have. My hated myself. "Fuck!" I cursed. "Are you happy now?" I shouted to my absent apparition. "You pushed us into this, to something we can't have and now look what's happened." I said out loud. I don't know how long I stayed there. Long enough to compose myself. Long enough for the darkness to retreat. Long enough for me to box everything back up and tape the lids shut. Eventually I walked back to the camp to find only one tent packed up, the fire put out and covered over and Carter adjusting the straps on her pack.
"Major? Did you miss something?" I asked, motioning to the other tent.
"No Sir." She said without looking up.
I gritted my teeth, "I ordered you to pack up camp."
"With all due respect Sir, you ordered me to pack up my gear. That is yours."
I raised my eyebrows, "Forgive me Major, but didn't you sleep in there last night?"
"No Sir, Samantha slept in there last night, but she is gone. So, with all due respect again Sir, pack up your own damn tent." She ground out, then turned to walk towards the ruins.
"Really Carter, insubordination this early in the morning?" I called out to her. "I can write you up for that Major!" I reminded her.
She levelled a stony glare at me over her shoulder. "So go ahead, Sir. You've got fucking me over to a fine art." She said, her voice dripping with distain. Then she turned and left me standing there shocked at what she had said.
"Carter!" I yelled and started after her. "Carter!" I called again and picked up my pace. "Major Carter!" I tried again, this time reaching out for her arm and yanking it to force her to face me. She slipped out of my gasp instead shooting me with a very pained, upset and angry glare before breaking into a run. "Major! I order you to stop!" I yelled this time. She still didn't stop; she didn't even acknowledge the order even though I know she heard me. Jogging after her, I tried one last time - "Sam!" I called, unable to hide the break in my voice and hoping her first name would stop her. It didn't. She wasn't listening. I considered using my radio, but then the others would be made privy to this little show down. I stopped giving chase and watched her fade into the long grass. "Shit!" I cursed. What had I done? Why did I have a very bad feeling that I had burned all my bridges leading to one Sam Carter. I turned back towards our little camp to pack up what was left, cursing the whole way.