AU: When an exploration mission goes way off the left field, Jack and Sam are left to patch up their lives. Will that door stay open?
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are the property of MGM/Amazon. No copyright infringement intended. I am once again taking my favourite two Gaters for a walk in an Alternate Universe. Takes place after 5.05 Red Sky with some canon episodes skipped (overlooked) and others referenced.
Rating: Gonna start this one as M from the get-go.
TRIGGER WARNING: Nothing specific.
Chapter 8: Anguish
I was about half way back to the ruins when my legs gave out. Sinking to the ground under the weight of my pack and my inner turmoil. "Arghh!" I finally cried out what was left of the pain in my body. Not physical pain, emotional pain. Unclipping my pack and letting it fall backwards before drawing my legs up to my chest, I let it all out. This time, there was no stopping my tears. No waiting to get home where I could privately drown my sorrows with wine and a tub of ice cream.
The anguish I felt over Jack's rejection was the worst pain I had ever experienced including heartache that hit me when he turned back to Laira on Edora. I had never felt so raw in my life, not even when my father came to me that day in our kitchen, tears in his eyes to tell me my mother was dead. Not even when Dad told me about his cancer, and not when I sat cradling the dead lover of Jolinar after taking his life. This pain was new and quite frankly unexpected. I knew I had reached my limit. There was no way I could stay on SG-1 or even at Cheyenne Mountain. I could not handle taking his orders, seeing him smile at me, or even seeing him not smile at me. I wouldn't be able to do team nights at his house. Every time I did any of that, even just seeing him across the briefing table or walking through the Gate with him, would remind me of his rejection every day. It would remind me that he chose his job over... "Oh God!" I cried out, this is what I had done to him a year ago. I chose my job over him. We had been asked if something had to change, and I foolishly said no. His words 'and we are OK with this' rang through my brain.
I had been so worried - focused in fact - that one of us would regret giving it all up for a chance at happiness. Maybe we would, but what if everything turned out perfect. What if we found the missing piece of our souls that our careers could not fill. What if being together made us better. For years, I had been concerned that I was not maternal, that I would be an awful mother despite knowing how much I loved and cared for Cassie. How much I wanted to adopt her, and how heartbroken I was when Janet was given that sacred duty. Every child I had ever met through the Stargate program had filled me with happiness. Still I thought I was not mother material, until last night. Being with Jack, feeling his love for me knitted all those small pieces of knowledge together and blasted away my doubts. Visions of successful women who were mothers flitted through my mind as he made love to me - my mother had been a highly sought after Legal Secretary, Janet was a medical doctor, Daniel's mother had been an archaeologist the same as Catherine - so why couldn't I do it as well. I was ready to take that step, ready to lay everything on the line, ready to give Jack a second chance at happiness. God, did he even want any of that? Maybe he did and maybe he didn't, either way he obviously didn't want it with me.
Last night - or rather early this morning - had been so perfect, so wonderful… he made me feel whole and loved, and now I yearned to forget it, to go back to a time when I didn't know the things I now knew about him. His touch, his taste, his warmth, the sound of my name from his lips as he climaxed, the scent of his lingering love. The scent that still clung to me even now after trying to rid my body of him. The unbidden thoughts had me squirming and arching my back just thinking about it. I knew I could never forget him, not entirely, but I could get away from him, go somewhere else. That meant that my career would stagnate without the opportunities at the SGC, but what was a glowing record and fantastic career if I could not share it with someone special. Dad would understand. Mum had given him his happiest years. Maybe I could go to the Tok'ra. I wasn't keen on being a host again, but if I was willing, maybe the experience would not be as wretched, and I would learn more about the galaxy. A different type of career. There would be no children, but that was OK because Jack was the only man I wanted children with. It was better than dying a little more everyday at the SGC. I would miss Janet and Daniel, Teal'c and of course Cassie, but at least Dad and Selmak would be there. My other option was to continue to plead my case with Jack, though after baiting him with his black ops secrets, I knew that was unlikely. What an idiot. 'You're supposed to be intelligent, Samantha!' I admonished myself with closed eyes.
After a few minutes, I collected myself and stood back up. Using some water from my canteen, I washed my face. I knew my eyes were still red, so I donned my sunglasses hoping my eyes would clear up before I had to take them off, otherwise I would blame a sleepless night. As I picked up my pack and readjusted it, my radio flickered to life.
"Jack!" Daniel voice came through the channel. I smirked. After five years and a lot of instruction, he still did not use proper radio protocol. Sometimes I think he did it just to annoy Jack. I cursed inwardly; I could not think of him as Jack. He was and would always be Colonel O'Neill. That's what he wanted.
"Copy, Daniel. Over." The Colonel replied, putting emphasis on the last syllable of over. I snorted a laugh and wiped away another tear. How on Earth was I ever going to able to forget this man? I didn't know. They say that time heals everything. I wondered if everything included a broken heart and broken dreams?
"…mmm, yeah. There's still too much here for us to catalogue, we would need weeks to translate everything here. Ov…" Daniel said, his sentence missing the front and back words. Now, I knew that was purpose because I had seen he do it before. No doubt he was wearing a huge grin while transmitting.
"Say again. I repeat, say again. Daniel, you need to hold the PTT button down before you speak. Over."
The radio buzzed on an open line, "Sorry Jack, I have enough photos and notes for our debriefing, but we should send a research team back here. Just warn them about the middle of the room. Over." Daniel said, a snicker travelling over the waves before he released. I laughed again. Yep, he knew exactly what he was doing. God I would miss him.
"Very funny Daniel. We'll be leaving our visitor out of the official reports. Over." O'Neill replied. I looked at my feet, and felt my hands shaking. He did not even want to acknowledge what happened here. I allowed the sick recurring thought that maybe I was just a notch on his belt slam back into the forefront of my mind, he certainly made it sound that way. No. I had not been that, never that, I refused to believe I meant so little. If I didn't, surely he wouldn't have said what he said. I knew he loved me; he just had this crazy idea that he wasn't good enough for me. The horror on his face when he found me with our visitor the night before last was burned in my brain. He had been terrified, and afterwards, there was a deep expression of turmoil, like he had seen what was done to me before - or worse - done something similar to one of those girls. I had the fleeting thought that maybe his final words were said only to make me hate him. It worked for a short time, but deep down I knew he wasn't that man anymore. I just had to prove it to him. I didn't want to leave, not really. But I couldn't see any way around the huge roadblock he had put in my path.
"OK Jack. We'll pack up and wait here."
"Negative, everyone head back to the Gate. Keep in radio contact. O'Neill out."
I heard Daniel click his PTT twice in acknowledgement. I repeated the action. Sure, it meant that the others would probably know I was not with the Colonel, but I didn't care. I wasn't that ignorant of military protocol to not respond. I closed my eyes. God, what had I done? I had slept with my commanding officer then pretty much dared him to write me up on charges when he rejected me. Pulling out my homing tracker, I put myself on course and I started walking. Based on how far I had gone since leaving camp, I was just under 2 hours from the Gate.
About 30 minutes later, I met up with the Colonel. We walked in silence for a few minutes before he finally said something.
"Are we OK Carter?" He asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wanted more than anything to say no. Scream it actually.
"Yes Sir." I lied. It's not like it mattered what I said. Saying no wouldn't change anything, of that I was certain. There was no way I could lock that door and still work with him every day. I knew that. I had known that before I crashed his tent. I wish there was a way to make him see how much I needed him as Jack. If I couldn't make him change his mind, then I would ask Hammond for a transfer. If I couldn't bring him back to my arms, leaving the SGC would be the only way I could eventually purge him from my memory. Funny how I had offered to do that very thing to be with him, and now I felt like it was my only option to get away from him.
"Carter, you can't lie to me. I can hear it in your voice." He said with a sideways glance. I studiously kept my eyes straight ahead. I knew he could read me even with glasses on.
"What do you want me to say Colonel?" I challenged him as his Major.
"Oh, I don't know, something… say anything, just don't shut me out!"
"I'm not shutting you out Jack, you're the one closing the door, not me." I ground out reverting to Sam.
"Oh, so it's OK for you to close the door, but not for me to do the same thing? Carter, don't you get it? If any impropriety is found, Kinsey will shut the SGC down before we get to the locker room. You know he has spies in the mountain."
Of course, I knew. First it had been Kennedy, then Samuels. It wouldn't have surprised me if Makepeace had been one of his as well as being in cahoots with Mayborne, then of course we had Colonel Cameras-in-Every-Room-of-my-Goddamned-House Frank Simmons. Hammond had made no bones about that fact that he knew there were informants in the SGC. What annoyed me was that I knew we could be discrete. Last night had been proof that we could. Daniel had never suspected a thing. I was livid that Jack did not even want to try. It was easier for him to push it all under his compartmentalised rug.
"Is that what you tell yourself to feel better, Jack?" I didn't bother with titles or honorifics.
"No, it's the truth Major. Can't you see, I am trying to protect your career, protect you."
"I don't need your protection, and my career... you know what? Forget it." I replied. He didn't want to hear it anyway. "It's fine, I'm sure I can forget everything. It's not like it meant anything. Notches don't." I said, purposely intending to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
"Carter." He said with a wince. "Don't say that. You know..."
"Do I Jack? Do I know? Because back there, you did everything in your power to convince me otherwise. Well congratulations, Sir! It worked. Last night meant nothing." I said with a wave of my hand. He winced again, so I knew I hit the mark. Except that it did. It had meant everything. I stopped suddenly and looked at him. "Just tell me one thing? Did you mean it, what you said?"
He studied me, "You know I can't answer that Carter."
"Why not? There is no one around to hear you. No cameras, no microphones, no Senators. What, you can't tell me to my face, but you can say it in the throes of passion." When he said nothing, I turned my face away and closed my eyes. His silence was making easier for me to walk away from him. I resumed my walk toward the Stargate.
"Can we at least still be friends?" He asked when he caught up.
I couldn't help it. I laughed. It was a choked up sick sound that caught in my throat. "Friends? Since when are conquests friends?"
"Carter... Sam... you weren't... it wasn't like that." He said taking my arm and slipping his fingers to mine until I roughly pulled my hand back from his.
"No, it wasn't. Right up until you made it like that. You made your decision, a decision that has nothing to do with me or my career and everything to do with you and your belief that you deserve nothing but pain and suffering instead of love, happiness and another chance. Well Jack, if that's what you want, you've got it. More fool me for letting you drag me down with you."
"Sam, no... it isn't about... wait, another chance? Another chance for what?" He asked reaching out for my arm to stop me again. If he couldn't figure out what I meant, then I wasn't going to tell him. Pulling my arm from his, I turned once again toward the Stargate, toward home, toward a life without him. The crunch of his boots on the grassy ground told me he was following.
After a few minutes of silence, his voice cut through the air. "Can we still work together on SG-1? I'd still like you to be my 2IC."
"I'm sure we'll be fine." I lied, silently adding the 'until I leave'. That was a given now. I would even hand my transfer request to him as my CO and base 2IC. Let him explain to Hammond why I am leaving.
"Good, that's good. The SGC needs you. SG-1 needs you." He replied quietly, leaving off the 'I need you' that I desperately wanted to hear. My only response was my stomach grumbling. I had foregone breakfast in favour of getting away from him after our fight. Without a word, he retrieved a granola bar from his pocket, unwrapped it and passed it to me. His fingers brushed mine as he did, but he pulled his hand away just as fast.
"Thank you, Sir." I said stiffly, taking it and biting down into its hard oaten fruity goodness.
"Anytime Carter." He responded. I saw him in my periphery casting a look in my direction. I didn't bother looking back. It's not like it would change his mind. The man was notoriously stubborn.
We spent the rest of the hike back to the Gate in silence, except for the odd chatter through the radio from Daniel. Eventually, we met up with the others which gave me the opportunity to take point with Daniel and Teal'c behind me and the Colonel last. It also gave me the opportunity to ignore any chatter and dodge most questions, though I did respond to Daniel and Teal'c. As we approached the field holding the Gate, we heard the rumble and whoosh of a death glider in the distance.
"Ah guys, is that what I think it is?" Daniel asked.
"Yes Daniel Jackson, we have company." Teal'c responded.
"Everyone to the Gate, NOW!" The Colonel yelled slipping effortlessly into commander mode. We ran, I was in front by a few steps. "Carter, dial us up! Daniel get the GDO ready!" He ordered. The Stargate was in a large clearing with no cover except for the long grass and a few rocks.
I put more effort into my strides, almost slamming into the DHD because of the weighted momentum of my pack driving me forward. I was five symbols in when the Gate connected. "Colonel! That's not us!" I yelled out as two Jaffa came through the Gate. I picked up my P-90 and fired at the one closest to me, he dropped as two more emerged and the Gate shutdown. Four Jaffa meant it was a scouting party. The death glider speared overhead once again with a few wildly placed shots to make us duck for cover. Jumping up, I dialled again, this time managing to get the whole address in before ducking behind the DHD to avoid a staff blast.
"Carter! Again!" The Colonel yelled back from his place of cover behind a far too small boulder.
"Already on it, Sir!" I called back as I stood and aimed my rifle to fire again before dropping back behind cover. The sounds of P-90's and staff weapons filled the air, the grinding sounds of the Gate dialling in the background were a welcome sound, though I kept expecting the early kawoosh that signalled more Jaffa instead of home. Counting in my head in time with the dialling sequence, I knew we had less than half a minute before we connected. Half a minute in a fire fight. Teal'c took out the Jaffa that was aiming at the DHD, while I hid behind it. I stood again to find one of the remaining Jaffa just on the other side of the DHD, reaching for the red button to stop the dialling. I fired on him without thinking about the range. I watched him drop, riddled with my rounds as the final Jaffa fell to the Colonel's rifle. I looked down to find my vest peppered with holes, my right arm bloody. I looked up at the others as red flooded my eyes, I mouthed something, my last memory was of Jack screaming my name and running toward me. I don't remember hitting the ground.