AU: When an exploration mission goes way off the left field, Jack and Sam are left to patch up their lives. Will that door stay open?
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters are the property of MGM/Amazon. No copyright infringement intended. I am once again taking my favourite two Gaters for a walk in an Alternate Universe. Takes place after 5.05 Red Sky with some canon episodes skipped (overlooked) and others referenced.
Rating: Mature. Contains sexual arousal situations.
Triggers: Mention of rape.
Previously... from Chapter 24
Suddenly, by-the-book Sam rushed back to the forefront, taking back control. Everything went black as I was launched into the back of her mind and thrown into a dark room.
"Hey! Hey! Let me out! Sam. Please!" I yelled and kicked at the doorless wall. "Dammit!" I cursed. She was awake and probably berating herself and I was stuck here, unable to see, hear or do anything. I'd have to wait until she was asleep again. If my Jack was out there, he would no doubt try to convince her to let me out. I just hoped it worked because being in here was no longer an option. I needed him - we needed him. Pacing around in the space she had me confined to, I tried to think of ways to get out, but nothing came to mind. There were no doors, no windows, no cracks in this place. It was cold, desolate, lonely. Taking a seat on the floor, I resorted to begging.
"Sam. Please. Don't do this. He needs us as much as we need him." I just hoped she was listening.
Chapter 26: Letting go
Monday morning – Shadow Jack
"NO!" I yelled when I saw her being dragged away from me by some invisible force moments before I was ejected unceremoniously from her mind. Blinking, I looked around at the room we had been standing in before this started, an irate looking Major Carter sitting on the side of her bed scowling at me.
"Who gave you permission to… to… do that?" She growled, her face red though not because of my lack of clothes. With barely a moments thought, my BDU's rematerialised.
Scowling back at her, I hardened my eyes and my voice. "You did. The part of you that actually wants me. The part that you just locked away. Not the part who thinks she wants me, but not enough to do anything about it!" How was it that a woman so smart, so intelligent could be so emotionally immature. Even before the accident and her muddled brain, she was so controlled, so careful. It was her fault that nothing happened on -118. O'Neill was all in; he would not have stopped anything from happening. I knew that, because where Samantha was concerned, he would willing give control over to me. All she had to do was say yes.
"How dare you!" She yelled, coming to her feet. "You know nothing about me. NOTHING!" The last word a choked-up scream. She was going for rage and anger, but it came out as desperation and longing. My Samantha was fighting her. Normally I would have laughed at her answer, but we were beyond that now.
"I know everything about you, Samantha." I said, taking a step closer to her. "I know that you cry yourself to sleep at nights, wishing he were with you."
"I do… not!" She bit back, faltering on the last word. A multitude of emotions crossed her face. Pain. Desire. Desperation. Anger. Sadness. Each emotion fought with the others, showing their moves as clear as day across her face. Finally, she settled on a combination of all of them. Her lip trembled while her eyes burned with barely contained fury. Tears caught in her eyes and her breathing became rapid.
Taking another step closer, I continued, "You pine for him when he is off world without you, lost or otherwise. You pleasure yourself thinking about him, calling his name when you finish, and then you cry until you fall asleep dreaming of a life together. You die a little bit inside when he smiles at another woman, even though those women have no chance with him."
"No chance, puh! He slept with Laira." She accused, the fire burning a little brighter before it was controlled by the tears of sadness. Taking another larger step towards her, I tentatively reached out.
"He was drunk. Lonely. Missing you. He screamed your name when he came and begged for your forgiveness afterwards. She had no hope of winning our heart, not that she wanted anything more from us than his seed." I confessed on his behalf. She should know the truth behind why he slept with that woman. She looked at my hand as it shimmered. "She assaulted us Sam. Once when we were awake, and twice more throughout the night while we were too tired, too depressed and our body too inebriated to stop her." He'd never told her that. Never told anyone that.
"She... she raped you?" Looking at her, I felt my head nodding. I knew she deserved the truth, as much as it would give O'Neill another reason to detest me.
"We were weak. For three months, nine days, twenty-one hours and thirty-six minutes, we missed you. We pined for you. She knew she could never have our love willingly, so she put us in a situation that would get her what she wanted. It was the next day we heard Teal'c. Less than one day away from our love. You." I confessed, studying her with my eyes. "Laira had nothing on you."
"Then why...? He was OK with leaving it in the room." She whispered as her fingers brushed mine, her chin sitting on her chest, unable to look at me. The intake of breath told me that she felt the moment I had changed forms.
"Was he? Are you sure about that? Really sure because I can tell you that he agreed reluctantly. He's had a resignation letter in his office desk drawer since Doctor Carter visited. He's even handed it in, Hammond always says no." I told her while we twisted our fingers together. I could see her fighting to get out. My Samantha. Using my other hand, I lifted her chin so that I could drown in her eyes. Despite not being a living breathing person, she took my breath away. Her eyes were bright, as blue as periwinkles and shining with unshed tears.
"He has?" She sniffed as one tear escaped. Catching it with my thumb, I wiped it away then traced my thumb across her lower lip. Her eyes flicked to my lips as they curved in a whisper of a smile and her eyes darkened.
"Yep." I responded with a popping sound as my head dipped closer to hers. She grinned briefly before a wash of desire broke to the surface.
"Jack." She whispered as my lips contacted hers gently. My entire psyche screamed to take her and take her hard, but this time, I took a leaf out of the controlled Colonel O'Neill book of Samantha and reined in my desire to eat her alive. It was hard, and so was I. The physical realm imposed no restrictions on me. Unbound by fetters. Slipping my tongue out to touch her lower lip, she gasped, her opened mouth begging me to go all in, but I didn't. Instead, I allowed the kiss to finish and pulled back.
"Please, let her out. You need him as much as he needs you. She can help you. Help us be more than what the Air Force tells us we can be." I asked, barely a hairs breadth from her lips. God I wanted her. Wanted to slam her into the wall and make her scream over and over and over again. I reigned it in and willed my desire to take a backseat.
"How?" She asked, the forlorn look on her face threatened to break my heart. The regulations had done a number on both of us. One of us had nearly lost the other again. It had happened so often that we had lost track of whose turn it was. We should have gone to her after the computer virus. We should have stayed when Orlin was there instead of allowing the cameras.
"He wants you Sam. He wants you so much; he stays away so that he won't break the rules." She furrowed her brow. "She will make him see there is more to life than rules."
"I don't care about the rules." She confessed. "I told him I'd leave if I had to. I asked him to find a way but…" She sucked in a breath but didn't finish. It didn't matter. I knew what she was saying. I had been there, locked away inside the Colonel's shoe box. He ignored me as I screamed for him to not walk away from the one woman who made us feel whole again after losing Charlie. I had been ready to re-join with him expecting my home to no longer be that box when he actively pushed her away. I cursed him as he rebelled against every option she gave him. Excuses. That is all they were.
Running the backs of my fingers over her cheek, I whispered, "I know. I saw. He's wrong." She leaned into my fingers and closed her eyes. "If you let her out, she will show him. I promise. She will free us, let us be who we want to be with each other instead of who we have to be. Please, Sam."
Opening her eyes, she looked at me. So blue. So beautiful. The feeling of drowning washed over me again, her irises lapping at the edge of my psyche like warm ocean waves. Slowly she nodded, an audible breath leaving her when my Samantha appeared at her side.
"Jack." Samantha sobbed as she folded herself into my arms.
"Samantha." I replied and released her a little. "My Samantha." She smiled and pulled me back into her. I mouthed thank you over her shoulder at the real Sam who quietly observed the two of us.
Pulling back again, I held my girl at arm's length. "You should go. I can feel the Gate dialling." I told her urgently. "Don't let them see you go through, and don't get too far away. I need you. I love you."
She smiled, "I won't Jack, I promise. I love you too." She responded as she backed away, her fingers breaking from mine.
"Come back to me, Samantha." I whispered with a heavy swallow as she disappeared through the wall.
"Wow. You do love me." A shocked, yet accepting voice said behind me. Turning around, I looked into those blue eyes once more and smiled.
"I do, more than life itself." I responded anxiously. She was gone. My world dimmed when she left through the Gate. It would remain so until she returned. Sam watched me wring my hands and pace nervously. I knew I'd be like this until my Samantha was back. Until I could hold her. She was my Ying, and I was her Yang. We belonged together.
"You know she's an illusion, don't you?" Sam said to me as I looked at the wall where my Samantha left. Turning back to her, I saw a similar fire in her eyes that my Samantha frequently displayed. She took a step towards me. "She's a part of me." Of course I knew, just like I knew I was an illusion of the real Jack O'Neill.
"I know. Just as I am a part of him." I replied watching her step closer, pretending she could be all that my Samantha was without her presence. I could tell her that without my Samantha, she didn't have the confidence to take what she wanted from Jack. The last five years were proof enough of that. She could have had him at any stage from the moment she walked into the briefing room.
The few times she had taken that leap, my Samantha had been in control. P3X-595 has been our first glimpse of what we could be. A young Captain Carter kissed her Colonel when he tried to get her redressed and I saw in her the way to the rest of my life. We met again a few short weeks later after -797. Let's just say the trip to the infirmary took longer than it should have. After we nearly died together in Antarctica, we were both locked up tight, only managing to experience the odd touch here, fevered darkened room kiss - mostly on team nights - there until Anise and her armbands gave us the opportunity to reveal to our rigid selves the depths of those feelings. Feelings and confessions that saw us locked up once again. The next time my Samantha revealed herself was during the time loop kiss - well kisses - because let's face it, there was no way he was leaving that as a once only experience. Looking at her, I tilted my head. There was one time that it was all her. When we returned from the disastrous X-301 test. She clung to Jack like her life depended on him living. It was a kiss that he did not remember, so delirious he was from the cold and the oxygen deprivation despite having spoken to her father moments before he collapsed from narcosis. I remembered because he had me locked up in the only part of his brain not affected.
She stood tall and looked straight at me. "I could be what you need until she gets back." She stated.
Giving her my classic O'Neill smirking smile, that same one he used when she insisted her naquadah decay rates were more fun than 'fishing' at the cabin. As if there would have been any actual fishing done if he'd taken her up to his sanctuary. Unlikely. I wondered if she would have let him catch her. I decided she would have. In fact, I doubted they'd have made it much beyond the front door. O'Neill's knee's might be shot, but he still had more than enough strength to ride her against a wall.
"Are you sure about that?" I asked, giving her a once over with my eyes while she squirmed. Taking in a deep breath, she took another tentative step forward. Turning to face her fully, I imagined her without her scrubs on, heels digging into my lower back while I buried myself within her over and over against the cabin wall, letting my eyes turn as dark as two pools of tar, the hungry looking tilt to my mouth turning into a ravenous leer. Taking a step towards her, I roughly placed my hands on her arms making her jump, though she did not take her eyes off mine.
Leaning in, I kissed her full on her mouth. She was rigid and unyielding. When I prompted her to open her mouth with my tongue, she didn't take the hint. Her kiss remained closed. Pulling back, I looked at her. Her face was full of pain and uncertainty. She knew she was holding herself back from having the one thing she wanted more than her precious job. That without my Samantha's presence, she did not have the courage to take what she wanted. I didn't have to tell her.
Looking at me with tears in her eyes, she begged, "Help me. Please. I need him. I need him more than he knows." What she didn't say with her words, she said with her eyes. She needed him to breathe, to live. Without him, she was surviving, but not living.
"He needs you too. You need to let go of that which holds you back from us." I told her, hoping that she was finally ready. She burst into tears and nodded her head. Reaching out, I drew her into my arms and held her, fighting the desire to throw her down on the bed. The feel of her hands lightly massaging the back of my shoulders threatened to undo what little control I had. Control was not natural for me. Rather than focusing on the rampart thoughts consuming me, I focused on her. "Why do you hold back?"
"I diddn th… hmphmgh." She said into my chest as more tears erupted. Thankfully I was fluent in mumbled cry speak, a remnant from when I was locked within Jack O'Neill when we were married to Sara. But this was not Sara. This was Sam Carter. Carter rarely cried. She was scared. Scared he would reject her. Scared of what would happen to them both. Scared that she would fail in another relationship. Pulling back, I looked down at the trembling woman in my arms, the woman who was always so strong, so together, so sure of herself as a scientist and a soldier. What had I done to this woman? In setting her free, I had also damaged her immeasurably, yet I could not feel sorry about any of my actions. We had been locked up for five long years. It was our time now. We deserved to have each other now, not when and if this war ended.
"Samantha will bring him around. You'll see. He can't resist her. I should know."
She would. I knew she would, because if she didn't… well I didn't want to think about what would happen if I lost her for real. We had come so close so many times. I couldn't last for much longer outside of O'Neill's psyche. I would eventually be drawn back into him. It was inevitable. If we had not broken through before that happened, the part of O'Neill's soul where I lived, the part that had been revitalised by Captain Samantha Carter's bold entrance into that briefing room five years ago would break, taking me along with it.