4/6 for today!

TW: Therapy and questioning friendships

Thursday, November 6, 1998

"Sometimes I think about when I was turned into a cat," Hermione said after a few moments of silence with her therapist.

"A cat?" Dr. Greenwood asked.

"Yes, in Second Year, it was some Polyjuice Potion gone wrong. I never told the boys, but I was stuck with cat ears and a tail for months after that. Fortunately I was petrified for most of that, so Madame Pomfrey could keep them hidden."

"My god, when did they get rid of them?"

"Not until halfway through the summer before my Third Year," Hermione replied with a sigh. "I suppose it's just really highlighting how abnormal my childhood was, even in comparison to other Magical children. Sometimes when I'm talking to the others I am so surprised and how normal it all was. Like Dean was a Muggleborn as well, but he didn't get into nearly the amount of shenanigans as I did. Or Pavarti and Padma they just got to be. It feels like I was always adjacent to the drama."

"You didn't feel like you were in the drama?" Dr. Greenwood asked, curiously.

"No, Harry was always the Main Character of the story," Hermione sighed. "I suppose Ron got to be the sidekick, I was just the tag along, there for researching and facts."

"Have you talked to Harry about this? Have you spoken to Ron since he found out about you, Theo and Draco?"

"No, I've never been quite sure how to broach this with Harry," Hermione said softly. "He's so kind and he always means well, he's just not the most aware person in the world. He's gotten astoundingly better since the Battle of Hogwarts, but he's still so caught up in his own world.."

"And Ron?" they prodded.

Hermione groaned and rested her head against the back of the chair. "Ron… is complicated. He's still been insisting that I'm alive, Hermione Granger that is, not my alter ego. He's convinced that we're meant to be, but I suppose I've never really seen it. He's not interested in anything I am, he never was. He's always seen me as the Homework Pass and someone who'll keep them out of trouble, but he's also always held that against me. His memory has been wiped now anyways."

"Is there something you'd like to say to him if you knew he could only listen?" Dr. Greenwood asked.

Hermione sat for a few minutes and thought about that. "Like writing him a letter?"

"If that's how you'd like to format it, then yes," Dr. Greenwood said, serenely.

Dear Ronald,

For the past year I've been trying to understand why you could never see all that you have. You had a family who loves and supports you. You had friends who would go to the ends of the Earth for you. You had so much, but you could never see it could you. I know any of us could blame the Horcrux for how we acted in the end, but I didn't start there, did it?

I will never forget the way you talked about me in First Year. I was annoying until my brains were convenient to you. I was just another one of the boys until other girls began to see you. I was your best friend, until Harry was there.

I'm not sure how to talk sense into you, but the more I think about it, the more I realise, there was nothing I could have done. You have spent so much time wanting other people's lives, you never took stock of your own. I sometimes wonder how the other side is treating you. Do you get the accolades you felt you deserved? Do you get all the attention from your Mum now that your brothers have chosen their father?

And through all those thoughts, do you know what causes me the most angst? The way I talked about poor Lavender. She was a child, a girl caught in the crossfire. You used her in a way that I'm not sure I can forgive. I couldn't care less about dating you at that time, or any, if I'm perfectly honest. We were never a match. I was happy with Theo and Draco by then. But Lavender, she always looked at me like I was the competition. I wish so badly that I could have told her that I never was. That she was welcome to you. I. Don't. Want. Him.

Now here here are, two survivors, this far into the war, and I wonder where we will be when it all ends. Will you be lumped in for your earlier service or will you be forced to own up to your actions. Or maybe you'll die in battle, I'm sure you'd like the glory that comes along with that. Which, may I say, is foolish. There is no glory in someone else's war.

I wish for you to see the error of your ways. I hope that you can pull your head out of your arse before it's too late. I worry that you will spend your last years, months, weeks, days, hours on Earth regretting your choices. I worry even more that you won't.

I know that Harry saw flickers of the kind boy who shared his lunch that first day. I know that your siblings talk about your infectious laugh. I know that you have won so many chess competitions. There are good things about you, but for me, they have all been outweighed by your choices. You are not the person I would ever want to spend my life with, and I hope that you can hear that and understand that it isn't personal. It just is.

If you make it out the other side of all of this, I hope you learn and grow. I hope you see the error of your ways and that there is more to life than petty jealousy. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the best, although I'm not sure you'll ever hear those words from my lips.

Your Former Friend,

Hermione

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