Authors Note: I will get back to updating regularly soon. I've been getting to know my baby who arrived mid June, as he gets on more of a schedule I should have some time to write again.
Allison scrubbed out of her surgery with Teddy, she had been repairing the ribs while Teddy fixed a damaged section of the lungs.
"What's going on Allie," Teddy asked, "you've been off all day."
"You notice now," Allison snapped, "you don't miss a thing in the OR but at home you miss everything."
"Allison," Teddy questioned.
"It's true," Allison replied, "but it's me it doesn't matter. I'm not Annie or Leo."
"We are not doing this here," Teddy replied, "you have something you want to say but the scrub room is not the place."
"So you're brushing me off," Allison snapped.
"No," Teddy replied, "I'm saying let's go somewhere less public."
"Why," Allison asked, "you don't listen."
"I want to," Teddy replied, "lets go for coffee and chat."
"Why," Allison asked.
"Your upset and I don't want to hurt you," Teddy replied.
"It's like 6 lets go to Joes," Allison said.
"You want to drink," Teddy asked.
"I want a burger," Allison replied, "but it goes well with cider."
"What shift are you on," Teddy asked.
"Done now," Allison replied, "I had wanted to go to Ev's practice but we need to talk."
"Tomorrow," Teddy suggested, "whatg time do you start?"
"Noon, Allison replied, "I'm on for 24."
"If you want to go see Ev's practice and have the evening with your kids why don't you and I get brunch tomorrow before you start," Teddy suggested, "I know you hate 24s and not being with Ev and Andy."
"If we don't tonight I'll never say it," Allison replied, "and I'm going on a short field trip with Ev's class tomorrow. We're going to the middle school to do something in the shop. I want to see the set up for her and make sure it's okay."
"We'll change and walk over," Teddy suggested.
"Sure," Allison agreed, "I'll let Ash know whats going on. I hate how much my career takes me away from my kids right now."
"It always will," Teddy shook her head.
"But Annie," Allison said.
"Used to work after hers went to bed," Teddy replied, "research, charting, documentation she did late at night."
"You," Allison asked.
"I worked like I always had," Teddy replied, "I didn't see another way until it was too late. Go change and we'll talk."
"Meet you at Joe's," Allison asked.
"Sure," Teddy agreed.
Allison walked to the resident's locker room and quickly changed back into her black pants and top she had worn into the hopsital and for clinic that morning. She grabbed her purse and work bag and walked across to Joes.
"Why is it called Joe's," Allison asked, "it's the Emerald City Bar."
"Because the original owner was a man named Joe," Teddy replied, "he was a good guy. His kids or grand kids own it now. Hasn't changed much in the 40ish years I've been coming here."
"40 years," Allison asked.
"35," Teddy guessed, "you wanted to talk, what's going on?"
"How do you see everything and everyone in your OR but you didn't see me for so long," Allison asked.
"I don't know," Teddy replied, "but I'm ready to listen."
"How did you miss your daughter being depressed, partying, drinking," Allison asked, "how did you not see me. You didn't see me, you saw Annie and Leo but you didn't see me until Ev."
"I know I missed a lot," Teddy replied, "I'm sorry."
Allison paused, this was unexpected, Teddy didn't usually appologize that easily.
"I know it hurt you," Teddy continued, "I can't explain it away but I want to listen."
"How did you miss it," Allison asked, "how could you not notice. Were you working too much? To caught up in Leo and his issues?"
"I don't know," Teddy admitted, "Allison I have gone over it all in my head so many times and I know where it changed but I don't understand it."
"You pulled away," Allison replied, "when I didn't want to go into medicine in highschool you and dad pulled away. When I wanted to study languages and be a translator you stopped listening. You didn't want me to do anything but. And now you're not happy I didn't choose cardio or trauma. I'm still not Annie or Leo and you and dad can't move past that and see me."
"It's not what I expected for you," Teddy admitted, "I was predicting neuro. But I never saw you in cardio or trauma. Not because of your skills but your personality and what matters most to you. You chose medicine because of Ev. I expected something related to her CP. I didn't want you to pick cardio or trauma because of dad and I. I know it influenced your siblings but I'm not sure how much choice Annie thought she had."
"You choose for her," Allison asked.
"I encouraged it," Teddy agreed, "but Webber and Bailed really pushed her to it because of her skills. Then Arizona and Alex pulled her to peds. I think on her own with no one influencing her she would have picked peds general. But you've always known your mind and used your voice that way."
"But how did you miss my junior and senior years of high school like that," Allison asked.
"Because I wasn't looking for it," Teddy admitted, "I saw the surface and didn't push you for the deeper reasons. You were partying and drinking but at the same time you had an A average, were dancing, volunteering, involved in youth group, you were doing all of your normal things and I didn't slow down to look. I should have pushed you to talk to me sooner. I hoped you would come to me and you did when you were ready. Allison, I'm not a great parent, your dad is better than I am so is your sister. I did my best but I'm not good at being a parent, no matter how many blogs and books I read. I didn't do your growing up years well. I didn't know what I was doing and was afraid to talk to Nana or Megan about it so I pretended. I'm sorry."
"There's no text book for it," Allison replied, "I'm pretending and guessing every day. Mom you did your best."
"I wanted more for you," Teddy replied, "I wanted you to be happy to have a family where you feel loved and connected. And I don't know if dad and I did a good job of that. I know I wasn't great at it. I got caught up in work or little things and missed what was really important. I'm sorry Allison."
"Mom it's okay," Allison said, she understood more now, it hadn't been intentional, "I forgive you."
"But all three of you have struggled," Teddy replied, "because of dad and my choices. More mine."
"Why didn't you ask me then," Allison asked.
"Because I thought you would come to me when you were ready," Teddy replied, "I thought I had your trust and you would come to me. But I didn't take the one on one time to build it."
"It hurt not being seen," Allison admitted, "never measuring up to Leo or Annie. I still don't know if I do."
"Your sister is not a fair comparison," Teddy replied, "the 25 year age gap alone makes it impossible. Annie is right in the middle of the millennials and your the end of gen z first of all. Second she had a different childhood. You can not compare Allison. If I look at age wise you're similar. She was married but no kids yet. They rented until after Ellie was born and you own your home. You can't compare because your paths are different."
"I'm ahead some ways," Allison asked.
"You are in terms of your home life and family," Teddy replied.
"Leo," Allison asked.
"He's on his own path as well. And will have to start over when he's out of the army," Teddy replied, "his experience counts but he'll have no connections."
"Theresa," Allison said.
"It's a new relationship," Teddy answered, "your brother is on his path. We're proud of him and we're proud of you. Allison you have a strength that I don't know where you get it. It's not from me or your dad. Maybe Nana but you are incredibly strong and you've never lost your kindness and compassion."
"You don't say it," Allison said.
"I know I don't," Teddy replied, "I've always found it awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know how to praise because I was rarely praised. It feels uncomfortable to be. Not because I don't think or feel it but because I don't have the words."
"Why," Allison asked.
"I don't know," Teddy replied, " I do better showing than telling. It was easier when you were little. I think of the three of you, you're the strongest."
"I haven't even left Seattle," Allison replied.
"You haven't," Teddy agreed, "but that wasn't your dream. You wanted to go."
"I'd still like to," Allison admitted, "but it's not fair to Ev, Andy or Ash."
"Allie if you get a fellowship or an attending position somewhere else you have to take it," Teddy replied, "Grey Sloan isn't guaranteed. I think being here her whole career has done Annie a disservice. I think going to another hospital would be good for you as well. To see a different perspective, to learn from other people and other ways of doing things. Look locally at least."
"I will," Allison replied, "mom why don't you tell us that you love us?"
"I don't know," Teddy replied, "I thought I did. Maybe I don't do it the way you need. We've had that conversation before."
"We have," Allison replied, "I can't see not telling my kids I love them."
"You will parent differently," Teddy replied, "you should. You learn from dad and my mistakes and have seen Annie's. You learn what you don't want for your family and what you do. You should learn from us. Dad and I learned from Nana and I learned from my parents. It's not right or wrong just different."
"Then why don't I feel like I'll ever be good enough," Allison asked, "like Annie and Leo are always going to be better than me."
"Because you've never forgiven yourself for getting pregnant in highschool," Teddy replied, "I get it baby girl. I took 40 years to forgive myself for giving Annie up and it made me feel like I would never be loveable and to trust that your dad really loved me. Forgive yourself. Allison you and Asher have shown time and time again that you are amazing parents, great people and a good team. You need to trust yourself and forgive yourself. Look at everything else you accomplished. Ev has been a huge motivator for you. You are driven and ambitious, you know what you want and will get there on your own path. Allison we are beyond proud of you. You don't need our approval. You need to do what is right for you and your family. As long as you do that dad and I are good. I saw your research proposal, it's good. You should get your support and funding."
"Would you," Allison asked.
"If it was just me I would fund it but you know it has to go to the foundation," Teddy replied, "Allison you are good. You can't compare to your siblings they're different people. Would you expect Ev and Andy to live the same lives?"
"No," Allison replied.
"And we don't expect you and Leo to live the same lives," Teddy replied, "or Annie's. You are you and we are incredibly proud of you. But you have to forgive yourself. It has no bearing on how much you love your children but it is hurting you. Allison you've carried this for 12 years. Everly is good, Andy is. Yes I missed some of the signs that you weren't doing well before you told dad and I about the partying and then finding out and I've spent the 12 years trying to figure out how I could be so out of sync with my own daughter that I missed it. We were surprised and confused but the way you handled it you made us proud. Allison you did what I couldn't. You did what I wasn't strong or brave enough to do."
"But you said," Allison started.
"Her dad was rough with me," Teddy replied, "I was too scared. I know it was the right choice for me but I'll always wonder if I made the right choice for her."
"But you had to to go to school," Allison replied.
"I could have done what you did," Teddy replied, "I was a coward. You were so much braver at 17 then I was at 21. Allison, you are so brave and so strong. Your determination is your biggest strength. I wish I had seen it sooner, I should have seen all of you sooner. I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted," Allison replied.
Their food was finished and Allison checked her watch.
"I should go home for bedtime," Allison said, "thank you for doing this mom."
"Always," Teddy replied.
They said their goodbyes and walked to their cars.
"How was it," Asher asked once the kids were in bed.
"Good," Allison replied, "better than I thought. I think she knew it was coming."
"She notices and cares," Asher said, "Allie your pulling away from me since Andy. You were shy with Ev but now I don't understand."
"I don't know," Allison replied, "I guess I just don't feel like me. I'm slow and flabby and a mess. I'm afraid if you see me you'll never want to be with me again. Ash I'm embarrassed."
"Don't be," Asher whispered pulling her close.
"Im flabby and out of shape and have stretch marks and a huge scar," Allison whispered, "it's not attractive and will repulse you."
"Never," Asher assured, "Allison that's our family, our kids. You did that. I love you. I love you for you and your personality."
"I'm scared," Allison whispered.
"Do you want to try baby steps like when Ev was a baby," Asher asked.
"Like," Allison asked.
"Tonight let's watch a movie just us and we'll cuddle," Asher replied.
"What if you think I'm disgusting," Allison asked.
"Not going to happen," Asher assured.
"I'm just so much rounder then after Ev," Allison said.
"10 years ago we were in high school " Asher said, "do you know how unreasonable that sounds Allison? Comparing yourself to what you looked like in high school. When we've had two kids in that time?"
"But the comments in the locker room," Allison said.
"They're all doctors," Asher replied.
"But I didn't bounce back this time," Allison complained.
"I don't care Allie,"Asher assured.
"Scar, stretch marks," Allison replied.
"What would make you feel better," Asher asked.
"Fitting into my pre Andy jeans," Allison replied, "I see the other women at work."
"So what," Asher replied, "they're not you."
"Andy is still in our room," Allison replied, "ash not with kids in the room."
"Let's try his crib," Asher suggested, "at least for the first stretch. It worked with Ev. We put her in the crib for the first stretch and then brought her back when she work up to feed."
"We can start doing that," Allison agreed, "but ash I'm still not."
"I hear you," Asher replied, "no rush babe."
"I'm scared," Allison admitted, "after Ev it hurt."
"Then we go slow and I'm gentle," Asher assured.
"Can we be us in other ways first," Allison suggested, "dates or a walk or something with no kids. Get a babysitter."
"Start there," Asher suggested.
"Start there," Allison agreed, "we should get ready for bed"
"We should," Asher agreed.
Allison checked on both kids before quickly getting ready for bed. She curled up next to Asher and for the first time in weeks let him hold her.