Here we are for Chapter 2! Thank you SO much to all who reviewed. It really does make such a difference. And now... Rory deals with the aftermath. And so does Lorelai...

Rory turned over in bed yet again, trying in vain to find a comfortable position. Her childhood bed in her childhood bedroom. She had reluctantly given up her plan to move to Queens after she learned she was pregnant. She told herself and anyone who asked that her decision was due to a prudent desire to save money as well as convenient access to her source material. This was all very true, after all… but the other reason, only acknowledged in the dark of night when she was alone, was that she was terrified and she wanted her mommy.

The plan had never been to do this on her own, if she ever did it at all. The plan was to have a supportive partner by her side to share the responsibilities of parenthood. She didn't have that... but she did have a family. Plenty of women in other countries relied on the support of extended family groups to raise children, she told herself. She had every intention of getting her own place after she had gotten the hang of this motherhood thing. Her mother had done it at sixteen. Thirty-two should be a breeze.

This wasn't what was keeping her awake this time, though. She was haunted by the conversation she'd had with Jess and the things it had revealed not just about him, but about herself. After their visit, she'd gone back through everything she had written so far that related to him, and found herself rethinking everything she thought she knew about him and what had happened between them. In her weaker, tireder, and more peevish moments, it annoyed her that so much of what she'd written had to be scrapped now, but then she remembered the sadness in Jess's warm brown eyes, and suddenly that soft part of her heart she was calling "maternal" would insist that even rewriting fifty chapters would be worth it, if only to take that look away.

He had loved her. He hadn't pursued her out of boredom or the amusement of antagonizing Dean. There had been times when she had wondered if winning her had just been a game for Jess, but his dogged determination had apparently been based on some passionate conviction that they were supposed to be together. She remembered meeting Jess for the first time, how stoic and wary he'd seemed, his face blank of all emotion. But at some point between the moment she'd turned to greet him and his perusal of her book collection, he had decided she was the girl of his dreams? And he wasn't the type to "fall in love" with everybody. He said it was the first time, and had never wavered in his feelings for two, three, four years at least… What kind of person did that? All along, underneath all his apparent hardness, had he actually been the sort of romantic boy that believed in love at first sight? What had happened to him, to make such a boy as cold and hard and angry as he was when they met? He had never liked to talk much about his mom or his childhood, always evading her inquiries… but the little she had gleaned from stray comments made by him or Luke had been troubling. What would he have been like (would they have been like) if he had grown up in a loving and supportive home, like Dean had?

It was a strange thing to be overcome by grief nearly fifteen years too late. She hadn't let herself grieve the loss of Jess when he left. There had been exams to finish and speeches to write and college to prepare for and lifelong dreams of travel to fulfill… and she was not going to let him spoil these things for her. And then, the fact that her mother hated him- had never liked him- made her shrink from the idea of wallowing openly. She couldn't bear the thought of everyone's pity, their smug I told you so's, being made to feel stupid for falling for the "bad boy." Everything was shoved down deep. She held her head high, and she moved on. She had to move on, despite that aching pit of emptiness that sometimes threatened to swallow her whole during her freshman year. She wouldn't allow herself to feel anything but anger when he returned that winter, (she'd listened to "You're No Good" so many times that Paris had stormed into her room and threatened to throw her CD player out the window if she played that song one more time) and after his desperate ambush at her dorm, she'd vowed never to think of him again. But now… All the pain so far behind them, she felt like she was letting herself really remember for the first time. She had told him over the phone that she thought she may have loved him, and that was all she'd allowed herself to admit at the time and for many years afterward… but, oh, there was no may have about it. She had loved him so much, it frightened her, and she hadn't been able to help herself. She had seen in him the seeds of so many good things: his brilliant mind, his passion, his good heart… his quiet support of her dreams, his willingness to forgive… all things that had come to full flower in his manhood, and confirmed her faith in his goodness. Her attraction to him had been uncontrollable and intense, and looking back on it, perhaps that had been part of the problem.

She thought of what Jess had said… that they didn't trust each other, that they had each had one foot out the door during their entire relationship. And he was right. She had always held part of herself back, afraid of losing herself in him. How funny, and how incredibly sad, that their very attempts to protect themselves from each other ended up destroying them. If both of them had trusted more, been more willing to give in to each other, would they actually have had less to fear? She had never let herself think about the "what ifs" with Jess before, taking it as a foregone conclusion that things would have always ended badly. But knowing now how deeply in love he'd been with her, and thinking about how wonderfully he'd turned out in the end… how he'd lived up to all her hopes of the kind of man he could be… The thought made her melancholy. It was long, long over. Life was not a "Choose your own Adventure" book: you couldn't go back and read what would have happened if you'd chosen differently, and you certainly couldn't go back and live it. They had made the choices they made. That was that. End of story. No sense in playing out alternate timelines. Perhaps she could still learn from the past, though… So where was she? Lack of trust.

It was more than a distrust of Jess that had frightened Rory. It was that she felt like she couldn't trust herself with him. She had felt intoxicated by him, with all the dizziness, euphoria, and lack of impulse control that comes with it… and that feeling was as frightening as it was exhilarating. Rory had always felt a need to be in control of herself and in control of her life. She supposed there were plenty of ways to psychoanalyze this tendency… her absent father, her charming but flighty and changeable mother, the unplanned and traumatic nature of her birth… She had craved stability. Jess was many things, but stable was not one of them, not then. Everything about him was uncontrolled and wild, and so were her feelings about him, and she was never entirely comfortable with that. Falling in love with Jess had been like being caught in a riptide and dragged out to sea. Dean had been the slippery rock she tried desperately to cling to, but her strength just gave out in the end. She could do nothing but drown.

Rory sighed and rolled over again. She remembered how hard she had tried to ignore her feelings and pretend she didn't feel them. She was like a small child who believes that you can make an object disappear by simply closing your eyes and refusing to look at it.

She was suddenly wide awake. She still did this. Was that what she kept doing? She was so intent on everything in her life going according to the plans she made, that she wilfully ignored any evidence that suggested that a change of course might, in fact, be the wiser choice. She continued to pretend that everything was fine until things inevitably blew up in her face. It is rather difficult to deal constructively with situations or feelings if you insist they don't exist... How do you solve a problem if you maintain that there is no problem? She could see how foolish her willful ignorance had been, over and over again. And yet, the alternative frightened her too… How could she know when to yield and when to stand firm? Was changing your mind constantly any better? Would she become paralyzed by anxiety, second-guessing every decision she ever made?

Her thoughts swirled and her body ached, and she felt the child within her belly kick and stir as restlessly as her mind. Their schedules were always out of sync. She felt the hard press of some appendage (hand? foot? elbow? Who could tell?) against the wall of her abdomen, straining for more room. She traced her fingers over the place he was pressing against, and smiled when the hard little lump withdrew and then poked more forcefully at her hand.

"Hey, little guy," she whispered fondly. "Things are getting cramped, huh? I can't sleep either. Can I tell you a secret? Your mommy's a bit of a mess right now. I've been making so many bad choices, and I'm trying to figure out why. Because I want to do better. You deserve better. I'm selfish, and I've been selfish for a long time, but I'm working on it, baby. Because I want you to know how to love, and I want you to always feel wanted and safe so you don't turn out like Jess. No... So you don't grow up the way he did. If you actually turn out like Jess, I couldn't be happier, really, because he's a wonderful guy. You'll get to meet him someday. He's mommy's friend, and he's so smart and funny and strong… and he's always there for his family and his friends when they need him..." Rory found herself choking on tears suddenly. She took a deep breath and pushed it down. "Your Grandpa Luke loves him, but your Lola's still not so sure…" she trailed off, smiling through her tears.

"Well, you look radiant this morning," Lorelai teased as Rory came staggering out of her room around 9 o'clock.

Rory grunted bad-temperedly in response, as she grabbed a banana and sat heavily in a kitchen chair. Lorelai sat down next to her and stroked her daughter's hair soothingly.

"Rough night?"

Rory grunted again and took a ferocious bite of her banana. Lorelai got up briefly and poured a large glass of orange juice before setting it down in front of her daughter. Rory downed about half of it in a single gulp.

"Better?" Lorelai asked.

"Hydration good," Rory croaked blearily.

"It's like watching the evolution of man from ape to Neanderthal, right in my kitchen," Lorelai grinned. "What's next? Fire? Stone tools? The wheeeel?"

Rory glared at her mother. "Not fair. You can have coffee. I can't. Noooo coffee for Rory," she lamented, staring mournfully at the coffeemaker on the counter.

"Aw, sweets, I'm sorry," Lorelai sympathized, stroking Rory's hair again. "Just a few more months! Then you evict the little squatter and Mommy'll buy you the biggest cup of coffee in the world. A vat. So what was it this time? Little guy practicing for his FIFA tryouts again?"

Rory shook her head, getting up to look for the poptarts. "I just had a lot on my mind, that's all."

"Did something happen with Logan? I thought you'd settled everything already."

"No, everything's fine with him. Or as fine as it'll ever be, anyway. I…" Rory hesitated, then dove in. "You know, I stopped by Philly to see Jess on my way to Paris' last weekend."

"Oh boy."

"What?" Rory snapped, slamming the cupboard shut and whirling around. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Lorelai said hurriedly, lifting her hands in a placating gesture, "Just… nevermind. So, you took a four-hour detour to see Jess. And then what happened?"

"Well, you know he's been helping me with the book…"

"Ah, yes, the book. The book that he suggested you write, that has subsequently consumed your entire life. The book that you've been constantly texting him about for the past four months. That book."

Rory stared at her mother in disbelieving silence, but her wide eyes were white-hot, blue flames of hormonal, pregnant rage that spoke all too clearly: What did you say?

"I said nothing," Lorelai backtracked.

Rory was not appeased.

"What is with you? Jess has been a decent guy and nothing but a good friend to me for over a decade now. He's like a son to Luke, your husband, and you still can't forgive him for some stupid crap he did when he was eighteen years old?!"

"I'm sorry, ok? I don't know what you guys see in him that I don't."

"Seriously?"

"Well, I don't know! I guess he's… reasonably stable now. Right?"

"Reasonably stable?!" Rory repeated shrilly. "He's worked at the same company for ten years. He's part owner now! He's written two novels and gotten short stories picked up by multiple publications, he's successful! And so talented and brilliant and respected by his peers… He's made a wonderful life for himself and you still see him as some bad seed… But he's a good man, Mom, he's grown up so well… He's kind and generous and a loyal friend, and he takes care of his family, even though his mom was terrible to him when he was a kid; he's always helping Luke bail her out… He's a lot like Luke, really, how can you not see it? And he's a lot like you, too! He's so quick and clever and funny, but he knows almost as much about music as Lane does. Oh my G-, he's like all my favorite people in one person! And he's like me. We just… connect, even after all these years! I can talk to him about anything and I know he'll just… get it. How can you not see?"

Lorelai was staring at her daughter with a very strange expression on her face. "Wow," she said finally, clearing her throat. "I guess I didn't know you thought so highly of him."

"Well, I do," Rory said stubbornly, beginning to feel a little embarrassed about her outburst. She turned back to the cupboards and continued her search for breakfast. "Do we have any waffles?"

"In the freezer," Lorelai answered.

Rory was making her hot cocoa and waiting for her waffles to pop out of the toaster before her mother spoke again.

"So. You had a talk with Jess last weekend?"

"Oh, yeah. I was going to tell you about that before I was so rudely interrupted." Rory glared at her mother, pointing a butter knife at her menacingly before using it to spread an ungodly amount of peanut butter on her waffles.

"No more snarky comments, I promise. I'll be good."

Rory sighed. "Ok, so… I've been sending him chapters to look over, and it's brought up a lot of stuff from the past and…" Rory swallowed before continuing softly. "He really loved me, Mom. He apologized for hurting me and said he was a stupid kid and he was afraid and we sabotaged our relationship by not trusting each other… but he really loved me. For years. He said he fell in love with me the night we met and then compared other girls to me for years afterward, and… and I never knew that."

"Well, he was absolute crap at showing it… Sorry!" Lorelai added hastily, seeing her daughter look up sharply.

"No, it's just… that's exactly what he said. Like, exactly."

Lorelai frowned. "Huh."

"See! I told you! You two are like the same person!"

"You're mean when you're pregnant!"

"Except the part where you hold people's teenage misdemeanors against them… Jess would never do that. That, you get from your mother."

Lorelai gasped indignantly. "And the hits keep on coming! Wow, Rory, thanks! But I'll save that to keep me awake later, because I want to know what was keeping you awake last night."

"Oh. Well, I guess it just got me thinking about the past, and… for years I've never really let myself remember anything but the bad parts of being with Jess, to remind myself why we were better off as friends. But it wasn't all bad, you know?"

"It wasn't?"

"No. I never told you the good parts because… because you hated him and I didn't want you to spoil it for me. I knew you'd just make fun of him and try to spin everything he did into some nefarious scheme."

"Oh, sweetie!"

"But it wasn't all bad, Mom. It was… You know that nursery rhyme about the little girl who had a little curl…"

"Right in the middle of her forehead!"

"Yeah! And when she was good, she was very very good…"

"And when she was bad, she was horrid," Lorelai finished gleefully, with a wicked grin.

"Right. Well, that's what being with Jess was like. The good parts… the good parts were so, so good. But the bad parts were just… awful. And I told myself, this is just who Jess is. He's unstable and unreliable, and I thought this was just an unshakable facet of his personality, but…"

"But it wasn't."

"No. It wasn't. He was just having a really rough time and then he grew out of it, and now… Now he's still all the good things I loved about him, but he's purged off all the bad, and…" she shrugged helplessly.

"And you love him."

"I… No!"

"You don't love him? You literally just went on this long rant about how he's practically your soulmate and all your favorite people wrapped up in one hunky male package with fabulous hair!"

"I did not say he has fabulous hair!"

"Buuut…?"

"Ok, fine! He does have fabulous hair! He's unbelievably sexy, and... and… oh my G-."

"Oh, honey."

"Oh my G-! No! This is not happening!" Rory was nearly hyperventilating, and then suddenly burst into tears.

Lorelai patted her back consolingly. No. No! She was not in love with Jess. She couldn't be. Oh this was exactly what she needed right now.

You can't solve a problem if you maintain that there is no problem.

She forced herself to take a deep, steadying breath. "Well," she sighed in resignation, wiping her eyes on her sleeve, "apparently, I have some unresolved feelings and regrets about Jess. Now you know what was keeping me up last night."

"Oh, sweetie."

They sat in uncharacteristic silence for a few moments, each absorbing the impact of yet another tectonic shift beneath their feet. Mountains became valleys, rivers changed course, all was shaken anew.

"So, what happens now? Are you and Jess going to give things another shot? You're pregnant." With another man's child, was the unspoken implication.

"No, really?! I had no idea, Mom. Thanks so much for reminding me!" Rory snapped, then flushed red. "Um… sorry, I… didn't get much sleep last night. But no," she sighed. "Nothing's going to happen. I'm in, like the worst possible place for a relationship right now. I'm about to have a baby and I need to focus on getting my life together, for him and for myself. Besides, all that with Jess… it happened such a long time ago. We missed our chance, and it sucks, but… he doesn't even feel that way about me anymore. He's moved on."

"Jess told you he's moved on? He told you this?"

"Yes! He said he didn't tell me how he felt because he was trying to get me to give him another chance. He just wanted to clear the air. He said that he knows I moved on a long time ago, and he's moved on, too. He's really glad we can be friends."

"Huh. Well… ok, then."

A thought suddenly occurred to Rory, and it set her heart fluttering in her chest.

"Why?" She asked shakily, tucking her hair behind her ear in an attempt at nonchalance. "Have you… noticed anything that might… indicate otherwise?"

Lorelai hesitated. "I… think that you obviously know him much better than I do. If that's what he said, and you believe him, then… sweets, I think you have to take his word for it."

Rory felt like sinking through the floor in disappointment and embarrassment. "Oh. Of course. I… well, I think I'd better go get ready for the day. Thanks for talking with me, Mom."

"Rory!" Lorelai called out in concern, as her pregnant daughter rose from the table, leaving her mostly untouched breakfast behind. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered sadly, taking her daughter in her arms. "I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this."

Rory hugged her mother tight, and then smiled as brightly as she could. "I'll be ok," she promised, though her voice wobbled slightly. "Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love."

Lorelai wrinkled her nose. "Well," she said uncertainly, "that was… morbid."

Rory smiled sadly. "That was Shakespeare," she answered, letting go of her mom and shutting herself in her room again.

She stood with her back to the door for a moment, just trying to get her bearings. She didn't know what she was going to do with all this… but suddenly, she knew where to start.

Rory went to her closet and dug through the boxes at the back. She found what she was searching for at the very bottom: her "Jess box." It was unlabeled. At the time, she had simply wanted to remove all reminders of him from her life as quickly as possible, and she couldn't bear to write his name. She had never touched it since, dreading its contents. A veritable Pandora's box, filled with a whole host of Troubles... but also with a small spirit named Hope as well (no less dangerous).

It couldn't hurt her now. It had taken her fifteen years to get here, but she was finally going to wallow.

She dragged the box from her closet and laboriously lowered herself to the floor to kneel beside it, brushed the dust off gently, and then took a deep breath before opening it. She smiled. It was mostly filled with books and CDs, all defaced or adorned by his tiny, neat scribbles. There was one in particular she was looking for, and she soon located it.

Howl.

She lifted the slim paperback delicately (a precious artifact) and carefully opened it. There were his words, his thoughts, scattered across every page, and all for her. She traced his handwriting lovingly with her fingers until her vision started to blur with tears. These were the first words he'd ever written to her, and they took on new meaning to her now that she knew more about the boy who had written them. She thought of him, so scarred and angry and alone, and yet, struck with love by a girl he'd barely met, offering the gift of his innermost thoughts, wanting to share a glimpse of his soul with her; a privilege offered to almost no one else. She hadn't understood the significance of the gesture at the time, but now… The tears started to spill over now. Rory crawled onto her bed and finally let herself sob into her pillow, clutching the book to her chest. She wept for the boy she had loved, who had been too broken to stay, and she wept for the man she loved now, that she was now too broken to keep. Why had they been doomed to never be ready for each other at the same time? She missed him. She thought a part of her would probably miss him forever.

They still have a long way to go, but for those who might feel discouraged by the end, just remember: Rory- emotional intelligence of a pile of rocks. She tends to take things at face value, but that doesn't mean she should... ;-)

Thanks for reading! And I still love reviews... I love knowing your thoughts, what you liked, even what you didn't like!