I think it's about time for some Lane and Rory girl talk, don't you?
One more note: I got a review that seemed to take my suggestion of therapy for Rory as an insult. It is not. I am absolutely pro-therapy, and pro-Rory. There's nothing wrong with wanting to talk through your issues with someone, and everything good and healthy. I myself am currently in therapy and have been in the past, to deal with my ADD and depression. I have almost always found it helpful. If you don't agree, that's fine, but this probably won't be the story for you. :-)
Summer was in full swing. Rory was grateful that Richie had been born before the temperature rose too sharply, because she couldn't imagine being pregnant in this heat. Late pregnancy had been miserable enough as it was!
Richie was growing more and more every day, and Rory was slowly but surely settling into motherhood. As far as jobs went, it certainly wasn't glamorous and it certainly was exhausting, but Rory felt more grounded than she had in a long time. It had come out in her therapy sessions that, as wonderfully close as her relationship with her mother had been, their odd role-reversal had left the younger Gilmore girl floundering once she was out on her own. It had never occurred to her that she'd been holding herself together for the sake of someone else, had been so adultlike in part because someone had to be… but once that motivation was gone, that need no longer felt, she had fallen apart. Rory struggled to make responsible choices when there was no one else to be responsible for.
Even before she became a mother in reality, she had always felt more comfortable and confident when she felt like someone needed her, and she sometimes wondered if that was why she had stayed with Logan so long in college. She had been, in a strange unhealthy way, both a lover and a mother to him: scolding and comforting, cajoling and encouraging. It had sometimes been almost more of a parent/child relationship than a partnership of equals. He received this care from her, but he didn't know how to take care of her in return when she couldn't be the strong one. The best he could offer was a sort of drunkenness, a temporary comfort and distraction from her problems that might make her feel better for a moment, but did nothing to fix the problem itself.
When Rory rekindled her relationship with Logan several years ago, their dynamic had changed. He didn't really need caring for (he had Odette for that, after all) and she wasn't in a position to offer it anyway. All they were left with was reenacting the worst part of their relationship during her hiatus from Yale, enabling each other and distracting each other from their responsibilities. Their last night together, as fun as it had been, had only brought home what their entire affair had been: a long and protracted trip to Neverland. She'd been playing house with Logan, her very own Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up, playing Little Mother to her very own Lost Boys, and while that last Wild Night had been like a beautiful dream, dreams are meant to be awoken from. It was time for Wendy to grow up.
Richie made it easier to remember why she needed to, why she couldn't go back, why she didn't really want to go back. And so here she was, holding herself together for someone else again. Only this time, things were in their proper place. He gave her purpose and direction, a reason to be brave and steady. The only trick was, she reminded herself, to keep it in balance and not allow herself to drift into a weird codependency. She'd been worrying about this, but her therapist encouraged her that she could be thankful for the good things she was getting from it as long as she didn't let herself become dependant on her child for her mental stability. Learning to be a healthy, well-adjusted adult was a little like learning to drive, Rory thought… learning not to jerk the wheel to the side of the road when you notice yourself drifting into the other lane, but instead making those constant small adjustments that keep you safely in the middle. It was really hard, honestly, and the urge to jerk the wheel was still strong sometimes. She hoped it would get easier in time, like muscle memory.
Rory mulled over these things one bright summer morning, pushing Richie's stroller down the street towards Lane's house. They were going to have coffee and talk, and Rory was looking forward to it. Having adopted each other as sisters long ago, Lane would settle for no other title than "Auntie" to Rory's son. She loved him fiercely, as only Lane Kim VanGerbig could.
Rory never thought she would be the type of person who would feel comfortable breastfeeding while chatting with another person, but motherhood had a way of bringing a sort of shamelessness upon even the most retiring of people. When you've pushed another human being out of your most intimate parts while other human beings watch, everything else just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Richie had fallen asleep immediately after being fed and was currently nestled back in the portable bassinet that came with the stroller (Rory congratulated herself on choosing this particular model. The reams of research and pro/con lists that led to this decision had been conclusive, but it was good to have practical results to back it up). As much as she loved her son, it was so good to have a few moments where she could just be "Rory" for a while, instead of "Richie's mom," talking with her best friend and drinking hot coffee without having to worry about spilling it on a small person.
Lane was in the middle of telling a story when Rory heard her phone ding from her bag. She checked it automatically without much interest, but then lit up when she saw it was a text from Jess.
This manuscript is killing me by degrees.
She smiled and then tried to refocus on what Lane was saying.
She felt a bit guilty about it, but when her phone pinged again a few moments later, she couldn't help checking to see if it was Jess again. She also couldn't help reading it when it was.
You had time to do any writing lately? I'd even rather read another chapter about how wonderful Dean was- for free- than get paid to read this dreck.
Rory rolled her eyes and tapped out a quick response.
I'm sorry… was that supposed to be a compliment? Because if so, you suck at it.
She made another dutiful attempt to give Lane her full attention, but the way her insides were buzzing with anticipation made it rather difficult. Ding. She eagerly snatched up her phone.
Sure it was. Even at its most painful, your writing is leagues ahead of this guy's.
Well, I'm flattered, but I'm too busy talking to Lane to worry about you right now.
Tell her hi from me.
"Sorry to interrupt, but are you done? I feel like you haven't heard a word I've said for the past three minutes."
"Oh! I'm so sorry," Rory rushed, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment. "Ugh, I'm the worst friend ever! I'm done now, I promise. Turning my phone off, see?"
"Who were you talking to, anyway?"
"Oh, um… Jess. He says hi, by the way."
"Jess?" Lane repeated incredulously.
"Yeah," Rory shrugged casually. At least, it would have been casual if the breathy nervousness in her voice hadn't given her away. "He's been helping me with the book."
"Okaaay," Lane nodded dubiously. "So… he's your… editor?"
"Well, not in any official capacity," Rory explained, tucking her hair behind her ear. "He offered to look over my first drafts for me, so I send them to him and he marks them up and sends them back and I get his professional opinion."
"Huh. And you're not paying him for any of that? That's really generous of him... Isn't that, like, his job?"
"Yeah, it is really generous of him, isn't it? Oh my G-d, I hadn't thought of it that way before…" Rory looked down guiltily. She was really trying to be less self-centered these days. Had she been taking advantage of Jess's kindness without even realizing she was doing it?
"Hey, I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about it, ok? I mean, he offered, right? So obviously he doesn't mind doing it… I'm just saying it's really nice of him, that's all."
"It is. It is really nice of him. He was the one who gave me the idea in the first place," Rory smiled wistfully. He always knew exactly what she needed somehow.
Lane was scrutinizing her with narrowed eyes. "What's going on? Why do I feel like there's something you're not telling me?" she asked shrewdly.
Rory sighed. "Because there is. Lane, I haven't been a good best friend lately."
"Oh my G-d!" Lane gasped, staring hard at her. "Are you back together with Jess?!"
"No," Rory sighed. "No, but… Lane, you cannot tell anybody this, ok?"
Lane nodded eagerly with wide eyes, settling into a comfortable position and leaning forward in rapt attention. "Of course not! What kind of best friend do you think I am? Now tell me, what is going on?"
Rory took a deep breath. "Ok. So, about four months ago…" And she launched into the whole story, starting with the day she'd visited Jess in Philly and what Jess had told her, and how it had caused her to rethink everything about their history... her conversation with Lorelai and her devastating realization that she loved Jess only when it was too late… how he always helped her come back to herself… how seeing him be so sweet with Richie only made her fall even more in love with him, and now that Sylvia was out of the picture, what did it all mean?
Lane hung on every word, like she was caught up in a suspense thriller, and gasped out, "Oh my G-d. Oh my G-D!" at all the appropriate moments.
"So, what happened the rest of that weekend?" she demanded as Rory finished relating the last time she saw Jess in person, when he'd stopped by with Doula to meet baby Richie.
"Nothing," Rory sighed in frustration. "Because I woke up with mastitis the next morning and had to spend the next two days in bed with a fever and Richie permanently attached to my boob."
"Aw, it was that weekend?"
"Yep."
"Man, that sucks!" Lane froze as she realized what she'd just said, and cringed. "No pun intended… But wow. Wow! Jess is still in love with you after all this time? That is, like, the saddest and most romantic thing I've ever heard in my life."
"I didn't say he was still in love with me. He told me he's moved on, actually."
"He told you that? But, like, how did he tell you he's moved on. What exactly did he say?"
"Well, he said he didn't want things to be awkward, that he wasn't... um, 'gunning for a second chance,' I think was the way he put it… He said he wanted me to know he wasn't expecting anything to change, or expecting anything from me… And, he said that he knows I moved on a long time ago and he's moved on too."
"Mm-hmm, I see…" Lane nodded knowingly. "Uh-huh. And could he look you in the eye while saying any of this?"
Rory thought back. "Um, well, I guess he wasn't. He seemed uncomfortable… but how could he not be? Anyone would feel uncomfortable after a conversation like that, right? It doesn't mean he was lying about it."
"True, but I'm not convinced. What if he's embarrassed about still being hung up on you and didn't want you to feel sorry for him or weird around him or anything?"
"I guess that's possible… I mean, I haven't told him what I've been feeling for pretty much the same reason, I guess… But this is all just speculation, Lane! What if there is no 'hidden meaning?' Maybe he really is just completely over it! And I can't be sitting here deciding to believe something just because I really, really want it to be true. Because then what if it's not true? What if I get my hopes up and start expecting there's a chance for us and then he finds another Sylvia that he does have chemistry with? And that would just hurt even more because I'd built up all these expectations? Or what if I make a complete fool of myself trying to flirt with him and he just… doesn't want me anymore? And then he'd feel sorry for me and everything would be awkward and then this… this friendship that we've built, this beautiful friendship where we can talk about anything and support each other and laugh together again… it would all be gone. And I can't risk that. I don't want to lose him again, Lane! I need him to be in my life, and if this is the only way I can have him, then, well… I'll find a way to be ok with that."
"Ok, ok! You're right, I guess, but... it's not just speculation…"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I saw him at the wedding in November, and every time he thought no one was looking it was like his eyes went straight to you. It was Mr. Darcy-level tortured brooding and I mean Colin Firth intense, not that weaksauce Matthew McFayden."
"Lane…"
"No, I'm serious! I remember because after I noticed the first time, I kept an eye on him just in case he tried anything."
"Lane!"
"Well, I thought you were over him! And it's not like he doesn't have a history of randomly showing up and accosting you without any warning…"
"That was years ago. And you thought it was 'romantic,' remember?"
"Yeah, but you didn't! Anyway, the point is, I was watching him like a hawk. And he… was watching you."
"Oh. Really?" Rory breathed, and she felt a flutter of hope in her chest, followed by a reaction of panic. She couldn't allow herself to start hoping for anything. People with hopes can be disappointed. "Well, I guess that's... something. But... I don't know, Lane. Even if that is true, that was… before."
"Before? Before what?"
"Before he knew the full extent of what a hot mess I am! Before he knew I was pregnant with Logan's baby, before he knew that I'm apparently the type of person who thinks nothing of hopping into bed with men who are engaged or married to someone else! Before I became an unemployed single mother who is forever tied to a man that he hates. Yeah, I'm such a catch."
"You're being too hard on yourself."
"Am I? Am I, really? Maybe if I'd been harder on myself a long time ago, this wouldn't have happened. And I feel so awful saying that, because then I wouldn't have Richie, and as much as I regret how it happened, I could never regret him."
"I know. I just think you shouldn't torture yourself so much. You're not doing those things now, and you're in therapy, for God's sake! You're doing your best; that's all any of us can do! You've gotta cut yourself some slack."
"I'll take it under advisement. I just… I just don't want to assume I know what Jess is feeling. Even if, and that's a big IF, Jess was still interested in me in November, it still doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in me now. Everything's so complicated now… I wouldn't blame him if he decided it was all too much for him."
"Well, I would…"
"Lane!"
"I just want you to be happy, you know?"
"I know."
"And Jess… he's actually turned out to be a pretty good guy."
"He has, hasn't he?"
"Who woulda thought? I mean, he was actually starting to grow on me towards the end of your relationship. It was like you guys finally hit your stride and you were really cute together. And Dave really liked him and I thought I was beginning to understand why you liked him so much… But then everything just sort of imploded suddenly, and then it was all over and he was just… gone."
"Yeah. He said he felt like a failure and he thought I'd be better off without him."
Lane considered this for a moment, nodding soberly, then shot Rory a tentative glance.
"That sounds like suicidal ideation, honestly. It was a social suicide."
"You know, I think that's a really good description of what it was. And as much as it hurt when he left, when I think about it that way, about what was going through his head at the time, I just… Thank God he only ran away instead of actually killing himself. I don't even want to think about it, Lane."
"Ugh! No! Of course! But it was like, even after he removed himself from the picture, he was still in love with you. For years! And then became this really awesome guy all because of you…"
"It wasn't because of me. He did that all himself."
"I'm sorry, did he or did he not say, 'I couldn't have done it without you' when he showed you his book?"
"Ok, fine, yes, he did say that, but…"
Lane waved her hand dismissively. "But anyway, my point is, you inspired him to be a better person. And then he inspired you to be a better person! And he came back, still in love with you, but he was too late, and now he's still inspiring you, but circumstances are just… Aw man! The whole thing is just… tragic! It's like, you guys were never ready at the same time. Like… star-crossed lovers, separated by fate... Romeo and Juliet, Rory and Jess!"
"Gee, thanks Lane. You're really helping me feel better about this," Rory muttered, glaring at her friend.
"Oh G-d, I'm sorry! Well. I'm not giving up yet. I see him around sometimes when he comes to visit his family. He's been coming a lot more frequently this year, actually…"
"He has?"
"Oh, yeah. You wouldn't know, of course, because you were traveling so much, but he didn't used to visit this often… Anyway though, next time he's in town do you want me to kind of subtly try to gauge his interest and report back to you? Because I would be happy to do that for you."
Rory immediately had a very vivid mental picture of how that would go, and the mere idea of it made her face pale with horror. "Lane," she smiled weakly, "I love you... but you're about as 'subtle' as the McCarthy Hearings."
"So, that's a 'no'?"
Rory laughed. "Yes, Lane! That's a no! But thanks for offering."
"Any time. Well, for what it's worth, I really hope it works out for you guys."
"Thanks."
"I mean it! I know I wasn't totally on board the first time around, but I think you two could actually be really great together now. Aw, and how romantic would that be? Finding each other again after all these years? I totally ship it."
"Well... thanks Lane. I appreciate your support, I really do, but… do you think you could tone it down a little for now? Remember me not wanting to get my hopes up? Because I think this counts as getting my hopes up."
"Right. So. Changing the subject… did I tell you the boys wanted a pool party for their birthday?"
"No!"
"Yes. Except their birthday is in March. And who wants to go swimming in March?"
"Gross."
"I know, right? It's all cold and… bleh." Lane shuddered. "But anyway, Zach and I told them that if we just had a small family dinner for their actual birthday, they could invite all their friends to a pool party this summer, after school was out."
"And school is out, Mrs. VanGerbig."
"It is. The day of reckoning is upon us, and… the party is next week."
"Well. You have fun with that."
"You have to come with me."
"Um..."
"No, you have to! I need you! You're the boys' godmother, and I'm sure it would mean a lot to them if you came."
"It would, huh?"
"I'm sure it would! And it would really, really mean a lot to me."
"I don't know, Lane… I'm not really the Annette Funicello type…"
"And you think I am? I hate pool parties! And beyond that, do you know what else I hate? Making polite conversation with all those other moms about how expensive little Susie's dance lessons are, or Karen's latest juice cleanse, or why haven't I come to one of Tiffany's Pampered Chef parties yet, and the latest styles in overpriced leggings! Elementary School moms are no joke, Rory. It's like highschool all over again, only with more Botox involved."
"That does sound brutal, I have to admit. So you want me to stand by you?"
"Please! Zach will be busy corralling the kids and actually getting in the pool, which is a sacrifice all its own and one for which I am truly grateful, but that leaves me to be the 'hostess,' and it would really, truly mean a lot to me if I didn't have to do that alone. And if I knew there would be at least one other person there who remembers David Bowie as more than just Jareth, the Goblin King…"
"Not that 'Labyrinth' isn't a classic…"
"Oh, totally! And the gateway drug to many a millennial's appreciation of Bowie… But you know what I mean."
Rory smiled. "Ok. As an expression of my great love for you, and in honor of your many years of loyal and faithful friendship, I promise I will come to this pool party with you."
Lane squealed and launched herself at her friend. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Rory laughed and returned her hug tightly. "Solidarity, sister! I'll bring Richie, too. He's finally started to tolerate baths without screaming, so maybe I'll see what he thinks of the pool."
"Oh, definitely bring him! I always look forward to more chances to snuggle my nephew. G-d, I miss that baby smell."
"I assume you mean the clean baby smell…"
"Oh, naturally. I just want to sniff the top of his head a little, and I don't care how weird that sounds."
"Hey, there may have been a time when I would have thought that sounded a little serial killer-y, but that time has passed. I totally understand. Oh! And wait 'til you see the adorable little sun hat I got for him. Why are tiny clothes automatically adorable?"
"I don't know, but they definitely are."
Later that night after Richie was in bed, Rory was thinking over something Lane had said and, determined to put things right, grabbed her phone to send a text to Jess.
Hey, I want to talk to you about something. Can I call you?
Less than two minutes later, her phone rang and she grinned at seeing Jess's name flashing across the screen.
"Hey!"
"Hey, Rory," he answered, and she could hear the smile in his voice. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, actually, I wanted to talk about what you're already doing for me. Because you've been so generous with your time and your professional guidance, and I don't think it's right for me to ask you to provide me with all that without compensation. I don't know if I have the money to pay you back for everything now, but if you tell me your rate, maybe we can come up with a plan for me to pay you back in installments."
"Rory…"
"And honestly, I probably can't afford to pay you for any more than what you've already done, so I won't bother you with this anymore, Jess. I'm eternally grateful, but I know you have your own business to run and your own life to live, and you don't need me taking up your valuable free time with my projects. So, thank you for everything, and I guess I'll take it from here!"
Silence.
"Jess? Hello?"
She heard him clear his throat after a moment.
"Uh, yeah. I'm here. I, uh... is this about that text I sent you this morning? 'Cause I actually did mean it as a compliment, I was just teasing you about the Dean thing… Though I guess I can see how that might've been kind of an a**hole thing to say, so I'm sorry if I overstepped…"
"What? No! Jess, I'm not trying to punish you!"
"Huh. Ok… 'cause it kinda feels like you decided to officially hire me just so you'd be able to officially fire me."
"No! No no no! Jess, I like working with you. I didn't care about what you said about Dean. Well, I mean, it was kind of an a**hole thing to say, but that's kind of our schtick, right? The whole playful insults thing?"
"Right, I mean, I thought so… You had me worried there for a second, though."
Rory sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm handling this all wrong. It's just... I was with Lane when you messaged me earlier, as you know, and I told her about how you've been helping me with my book. And she said it was really generous of you to do all that when I'm not paying you for it, since it's your job to do that kind of thing. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I'd never really thought about it that way before. I mean, I should know that, but I guess I was so caught up in the excitement of sharing my ideas with you that I just didn't think about how much of your time I was asking, and-"
"Rory," Jess interrupted gently. "You didn't ask. I offered. It's ok."
"But… Jess, this is how you make your living! I'm taking time away from your career, I'm... snatching the bread from your lips!"
Jess burst out laughing. "What is this? Les Miserables?" he asked incredulously. "Rory, I'm fine. What I choose to do with my free time is my decision."
"Well, of course it is, but aren't there other things you'd rather do with your time? You do this stuff all day at work, and-"
"I wish I got to read writing like yours all day at work," he interrupted. "Remember this morning? And that's not even counting all the other crap involved in running a business that I really wish I didn't have to do. It's honestly no big deal, Rory."
"Well, at least let me pay you for it. What are your rates? Come on, treat me like any other client!"
He seemed almost upset. "I don't WANT to tr-" he halted abruptly and took a deep breath. "I don't want your money, Gilmore," he finished more calmly.
"But why?" Rory asked desperately. "Why are you doing all this for me? I'm your ex-girlfriend. And yeah, you hurt me, but I hurt you too and we talked it out, we let it go! You don't owe me anything, Jess!"
"So, what, you don't want to be friends anymore? We're just 'exes' again now?"
"No! Of course I want to be friends; you could never be just an ex to me!"
"Well, then let me be a friend to you. You know you'd do the same thing for me."
"Of course I would, you know I would."
"So what's the big deal?"
Rory sighed. "I don't know. It's just, you've done so much for me lately, and what've I done? Nothing. It's not fair, and I should be pulling my weight more."
"Do you keep balance sheets for all your other friendships? Come on, Rory, you know that's not how this works."
"But I hate feeling like you're not getting anything out of this."
"Who says I'm not getting anything out of it? You're supplying me with new reading material, which is never a bad thing, and besides that, I… I dunno... I've been enjoying getting to know you better, getting to read about your life, your thoughts, who you are... And you know, I've spent so much of my life feeling like a worthless piece of sh**, it's kinda nice to feel like I have something to offer for a change. Don't insult me by turning this into a business arrangement, ok? I don't… I don't want this to be a business arrangement."
Rory sighed again. "Ok, fine. But you know if you ever need anything, anything at all?"
"I'll let you know."
"Promise?"
He chuckled. "I promise."
"Thank you. Sorry for freaking out on you like that. And thanks for putting up with all my craziness… You know, my therapist says I have some anxiety issues."
"Well, I'm shocked," Jess deadpanned.
"Hey!"
"ADHD and some PTSD for me. Fun times."
"Oh, wow. So I guess we're both a little crazy, huh?"
"Everybody's got issues, Rory. It's ok. 'The world breaks everyone. And afterward, some are-'"
"Don't you quote Hemingway at me!" she interrupted, smiling.
Jess burst out laughing. "So, Rory," he said slyly, "how does it feel now that your beloved Ayn Rand is the poster girl for fascists everywhere?"
"Oh G-d," Rory groaned.
"I mean, she's so popular now! Don't you love it?"
"Stop!"
"Are you just thrilled? Should I get you a MAGA hat for your birthday?"
"Ugh, I hate you!"
"Well, that friendship didn't last long."
"No, it didn't. Too bad. But judging by your literary preferences, you're apparently an alcoholic misogynist anyway, and I just don't have space for men like that in my life."
"Oh-ho!" Jess laughed. "Touché, Ms. Gilmore! So, just checking, but… we're good, right? No irreparable damage? No lines unforgivably crossed?"
"Well, you were treading perilously close with that MAGA comment, but I suppose I can let you off with a verbal warning this time."
"Maybe we should come up with a safe word…"
"Ooh, good idea! How about, um… pumpernickel?"
"Pumpernickel, are you serious?"
"It was the first thing that came to mind! I had a Reuben for lunch today," she said defensively.
"Well, it is a word I wouldn't be likely to use in daily conversation… G-d, I hate rye bread…"
"I know, I remember," Rory said fondly. "So, now that that's settled… What have you been reading lately, besides Rory Gilmore?"
Two hours later, Rory tiptoed into her bedroom, gave her sleeping son a kiss, and went to bed with a smile on her lips.
Thank you for reading. I would LOVE to know what your thoughts are! Even constructive criticism is welcome. Emphasis on "constructive." (Hint: outright insults and attacks on my character and intelligence are NOT constructive! If you want to hate-read my story, go ahead, but please keep it to yourself or rant about it to your friends instead!)