A.N. Hiii! I had wanted this to be done before Christmas, but... well, THAT didn't happen, obviously. At least it's only *checks calendar* a month and a half later? It's still winter! Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this new chapter. It contains scenes that I've been planning to write since almost the very beginning of this story, so it was a relief to finally get here! Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed and supported this story, and thank you for your patience. You have no idea what it means to me.
It was Richie's first Christmas, so Rory had to be extra festive this year. Richie had an outfit for the occasion, and he looked adorable. Lorelai had purchased an entire assortment of "Baby's First Christmas" themed bibs, which turned out to be a great idea because Richie was teething, and was therefore drooling constantly, the steady rotation of bibs being the only thing protecting him from having a soaked shirt on a cold winter day. Today was going to be their big, family celebration at the Crap Shack with Luke's side of the family. They had been in Nantucket with Emily the day before, but Liz had insisted that she wanted to do "Christmas with the whole family" this year, so back they came. Liz and TJ were coming over and bringing Doula, of course. And Jess was coming with them, just back from Buenos Aires. So, needless to say, it was a festive occasion and Rory was anxious for it to be perfect. It was Richie's first Christmas, after all! Rory took some extra time to curl her hair, carefully applied a coat of red lipstick, and retouched her eyeliner just so. Because it was Richie's first Christmas! And really, it was nice to have an occasion to pamper herself a little, as a new mother, because she didn't have the time on a regular basis! If she was spending a lot of time on her appearance, she had plenty of valid reasons to do so that had nothing to do with… any company coming over, she reasoned. Rory decked herself in a red Christmas sweater complete with blinking lights and perched a fuzzy Santa hat on her head, adjusting it to a jaunty angle for a finishing touch, and regarded herself in the mirror. Yes, that would do. She thought she looked cute and festive, which was very important. For Richie's first Christmas.
The doorbell rang.
"Rory! Can you get the door?" came Lorelai's voice floating down from upstairs, so Rory scooped Richie up from his crib and carried him on her hip to the front door, her heart fluttering.
"Merry Christmas!" she said with a smile, throwing open the door for their guests, just as Richie grabbed the dangling end of her Santa hat and succeeded in pulling it off her head, sending some of Rory's hair tumbling down in front of her eyes. There were Liz and TJ and Doula, arms laden with gifts, and behind them was Jess. There was a cheerful chaos as they all crowded in through the door, feet stamping and shedding coats and scarves and hats and boots, pinching the baby's cheeks and then moving on into the house, and then only Jess was left, right in front of her.
Rory took a deep breath. "Hi!" she said shyly, unable to keep from smiling.
"Hi," he grinned back, and his eyes were shining. He was unbuttoning his coat with one hand, but his gaze was locked on her face. "I came back," he said eventually, shrugging.
Rory nodded. "You did," she acknowledged softly. Her cheeks were flushed and aching from the force of her smile. "You've still got the…" she waved her hand around her chin in a pantomime.
"Oh, the beard? Yeah," he laughed, his fingers coming up to stroke it reflexively, a bit sheepish. "I just went straight from summer to winter in two days, it's cold!" he said defensively. "I'm not used to this anymore. Forget jet lag, this is like… season lag or something, I don't know. It keeps my face warm, anyway."
"Well, I like it," Rory shrugged in what she hoped seemed a casual manner. Why was her voice so g-ddamned breathy? She sounded like freaking Marilyn Monroe. "Hi!" she said again, holding her arm (the one not holding Richie) out for a hug. It was normal to hug friends at Christmastime, right? Especially if they've been halfway around the world for months.
Jess flashed another bright smile and wrapped his arms around her and, oh, he was so warm. Rory clutched him tight and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling something in her settle. She had missed him. He was here. She didn't want him to leave again, she-
"Ow!" Jess grunted suddenly, and Rory could feel his muscles tense.
Rory pulled back in confusion and saw that Richie (who had been chewing on the white pom-pom at the end of the Santa hat he had pulled off his mother's head) had dropped the hat and grabbed Jess's long hair and beard, pulling hard.
"Oh no!" Rory gasped, carefully disentangling the baby's fingers from his hair. "I'm so sorry. He's been going through a hair-pulling phase lately."
"I see that," Jess said wryly, with a smile. "Who is this chunk?" he asked in mock surprise, reaching forward to poke at Richie's round cheek with a gentle finger.
"Oh my G-d, he's so big!" Rory agreed.
"He looks so different! Look at that hair!" he said delightedly, pulling at the downy tuft atop Richie's head. "Is it turning red?"
"He gets that from me," Rory explained. "My hair was like, bright red for a while when I was a baby, before it got darker."
Jess nodded. He was smiling at Richie, who still seemed as fascinated by Jess's beard as Jess was with Richie. "His eyes look darker."
"Oh. Yeah," Rory laughed nervously. "They do that sometimes. I think they're going to turn out brown."
Jess nodded in understanding. "Ah, I see." They both knew what it meant.
Rory hated the sudden awkwardness between them. She sighed. "So, um…" she began, but was interrupted by Doula bounding over to them.
"Baby?" the girl chirped eagerly, making grabby hands towards Richie. Richie crowed and lunged towards her, latching onto her hair while Doula giggled and chanted, "Ow ow ow!" as she tried to disentangle herself.
Rory grinned. "Well he seems to have stuck himself to you like a burr, so I guess he's made his choice!" she laughed. "You got him?"
Doula nodded as she hoisted the baby higher on her hip, her whole body leaning to one side to counterbalance the weight. "I got him!" she cheered. "Come on, Christmas baby!"
Jess chuckled at his sister's retreating back. "You ever worry she's just gonna kidnap him someday?"
Rory hummed in amusement. "Maybe I should. But here. Come on!" She took hold of the sleeve of his sweater (dark green- her favorite color on him- and soft and beautifully fitted to his torso) and pulled him towards the kitchen.
Jess laughed and willingly followed. "Where are you taking me?"
"We need to warm you up," she smiled.
Jess's eyes flitted nervously towards the door of her room as she dragged him. "Oh yeah?"
"Yes," Rory nodded firmly. "Here. Have some mulled wine!"
"Ah. Um, ok. Sure."
"I made it myself!"
"Wow, and the kitchen's still standing? I'm impressed!" Jess grinned at her.
Rory gasped indignantly, smacking him on the arm. "Excuse me, I am not my mother! I'm… competent. Besides, I made it in a Crockpot, anyway. It's like, impossible to burn the house down with one of those."
He was smiling softly at her, eyes warm. "Well, here," she continued briskly, feeling flustered. "Try some." She ladled some wine into a cup and handed it to him, his fingers brushing against hers. She shivered, and watched him take a sip. Her eyes flicked down to follow the movement of his throat as he swallowed, and when she glanced back up again, he was watching her. "Well?"
"I like it," he smiled, nodding. "It's good."
Her answering smile was blinding. "Isn't it? I found the recipe on a Game of Thrones fansite. They looked at a bunch of actual medieval recipes for inspiration and it's supposed to keep you warm while walking The Wall."
"Nerd," Jess teased.
Rory rolled her eyes and then offered her hand to shake. "Hi, Pot? The name's Kettle."
He chuckled delightedly and took her hand in his warm grip. "Nice to meet you."
After a few moments of him just holding her hand, Rory was getting increasingly flustered. "You're supposed to shake it," she teased drily.
Jess hummed, swaying her hand back and forth. "You'll have to remind me of all your customs here. I've been away a long time."
"Well, that's true."
Jess held her hand out to one side and looked her over. "Your sweater's gonna give me a seizure, you know."
"Well, when the time comes, I'll make sure to roll you onto your side so you don't swallow your tongue."
"I appreciate that."
Lorelai suddenly appeared in the doorway and Rory whipped her hand back. "Ah, Jess! You're here!" she chirped.
"Hi Lorelai," he smiled, but his expression quickly shifted to wary as Lorelai slowly raised her arms to him and took a dramatic breath…
"Don't cry for me, Argentinaaaa!" she began singing.
Jess's eyes widened.
"The truth is I NE-E-EVAHH left yooou!"
Jess turned to Rory, his face set in a pained grimace. "Is there a way to make her stop this?" he asked.
"All through my wild days…"
"Nope. 'Fraid you're on your own, Bucko."
"My mad existence…"
Jess nodded slowly, cast one last baleful look in Lorelai's direction, and then pushed past her into the hallway.
"I kept my promiiiiiise! Don't keep your distaaaance," Lorelai crooned at his quickly retreating back. She turned back to Rory with a look of great amusement on her face. "Was it something I said?"
"I can't imagine what," Rory deadpanned.
"Sooo," Lorelai said, popping a red and a green M&M from the bowl on the table into her mouth, "Was I interrupting something?"
"Nope," Rory said calmly. She wandered over to the crockpot and ladled some wine into a mug for herself.
"Hmm. Seemed kind of like I was."
"Well, you weren't."
"Hey, why did Jess just come outta this kitchen like a bat outta hell?" Luke asked, entering with Liz and TJ on his tail.
Lorelai shrugged innocently. "No idea!"
Luke raised an eyebrow suspiciously.
"Well, anyway," Liz said, apparently continuing a previous conversation, "you don't have to worry about making room in the oven, 'cause I didn't bring it."
Luke stared. "What do you mean, you didn't bring it? You said you were going to! I planned the meal around it!"
"Yeah, I know, but I just wasn't feelin' it, you know? I didn't want to tire myself out working on that, and it's the holidays; I wanted to enjoy myself! Isn't that what it's supposed to be like? I want this Christmas to be really special!"
"But now I'm gonna have to figure out what to do instead!" Luke fretted indignantly. "Don't you think a little heads-up would've been nice? I already had to break it to Emily Gilmore that we'd be leaving sooner than expected, all because you insisted you wanted a full family Christmas this year!"
Liz waved him off. "I'm sure whatever you come up with will be great, Big Brother! You're a genius in the kitchen; it should be easy!" Liz reassured him cheerily.
TJ scratched his belly. "Well," he announced, "I'm gonna go take a dump. Make some room for later!"
"And on that note… I think I'm going to see how Doula's doing with Richie," Rory smiled tightly.
Rory ambled down the hall and then froze in her tracks, fingers clenching around her mug of wine. Doula was squeezed in next to Jess in the leather armchair, her chin shelved on his shoulder, and Richie was in his lap, and Jess was reading to them. He was reading to them. Doula had said he did that sometimes, hadn't she? She'd somehow forgotten. How could she have forgotten this?
"'...I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of iron-mongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. Scrooge knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? Scrooge and he were partners for I know not how many years…'"
Jess had glanced up when she entered the room, and his mouth quirked up in a sheepish grin as he read, beckoning her to come join them with a tilt of his head. There was a fire in the fireplace and Paul Anka was stretched out on the rug in front of it.
Rory didn't think she'd ever seen a more inviting picture in her life.
She couldn't resist it. She crept closer like a timid deer, entranced, until she was perched on the edge of the couch, wrapped up in Jess's low voice like a warm blanket. It was almost terrifying how much she wanted this, because she didn't just want this moment, right now. Her heart ached with a sharp pang of longing. This is what I want the rest of my life to look like, she realized. She shut that thought down before it became unbearable. You don't get to have this, she reminded herself. You can't keep him.
She didn't know how long they'd been there before a harassed-looking Luke came in with TJ at his heels, monologue running. "Hey Jess," Luke said tiredly, "help me move the furniture?"
Jess nodded and handed Richie off to Rory. "You wanna take over?" he asked, offering the book as he stood up.
"Sure," she said, moving to the chair and settling into the warm place where his body had been. "Now where were we… Ah! Here we go! 'The city clocks had only just gone three, but it was quite dark already- it had not been light all day- and candles were flaring in the windows of the neighbouring offices, like ruddy smears upon the palpable brown air…'"
"OK!" TJ began, clapping his hands together, "I think we should move the couch to that side. Or! Maybe… we move it to the porch altogether!" He seemed to have appointed himself the foreman of this project.
"Just move it back against the wall," Luke muttered to Jess, as they stood braced at each end of the couch. Jess gave a short nod and lifted, and they proceeded to ignore everything TJ said.
Rory tried not to let her reading voice falter, but she couldn't help stealing glances as the men rearranged the living room furniture and set up a long, folding table in the center of the room. The kitchen was no longer large enough for family gatherings, and adjustments had to be made. Paul Anka lifted his head from the rug to anxiously watch his world shifting.
Liz and Lorelai came bustling in with plates and cutlery, chattering all the way, and the room was soon filled with noise, which doubled when Lorelai turned up the volume on her Christmas playlist.
"I think we'll have to finish the story later," Rory sighed, sharing a smile with Jess, who had come back to listen and stood next to Doula with his hands in his pockets.
"What're you nerds doin'?" TJ interjected.
"Oh, we're reading A Christmas Carol," Rory explained.
"Oh yeah! You know, I always wondered what diving into a pile of money would feel like."
Rory nodded politely, deciding not to mention that Scrooge McDuck wasn't necessarily a faithful depiction of Dickens, and Jess's eyes followed Luke's retreat back into the kitchen with visible envy.
"Usually Reads here is the only one doin' boring stuff like this at parties, so it must be nice havin' another bookworm in the family."
It took Rory a moment to realize that 'Reads' was a reference to Jess.
"Well, I'm definitely happy to have another bookworm in the family," Rory said, smiling up at Jess fondly.
Jess's eyes were warm as he smiled back, then reached forward to ruffle Doula's hair gently. "I'm, uh, gonna see if Luke needs any help with the food," he mumbled, and escaped down the hallway.
Rory felt an immediate flash of disappointment. How could he… be helpful and spend time with the rest of his family instead of just hanging out with me? Yeah, ok, that was probably being unreasonable and clingy, especially for someone who, again, she reminded herself, was not his girlfriend. She sighed.
It soon became apparent that dinner would be ready later than anticipated (Rory suspected that was mostly due to Luke having to scramble to replace the dish Liz had decided not to bring) so it was decided to exchange gifts first. After a few minutes arguing about whether to move the furniture back to its original configuration, everyone settled between the couch and the floor. The presents to immediate family members had been given earlier that morning, so what was left was an exchange between the different households.
There were lots of gifts for the baby, a few puzzles for TJ (he was really into puzzles now), and a pottery wheel for Doula. Luke received a new leather wallet from Jess.
When Lorelai opened her own gift from Jess, she was struck speechless. (A rare event indeed.) It was a purse, beautifully made, the leather buttery-soft and supple. "Oh, pretty!" she breathed in surprise.
"It was handmade by this guy I met in Buenos Aires," Jess explained, a bit shyly. "I met him at an art fair; he made Luke's wallet, too."
"No kidding?" Luke interjected, re-examining his own gift with renewed interest.
Jess nodded. "There's a lot of good leather-workers in Argentina."
"Oh yeah, they raise a lot of cattle there, don't they?" Luke mused.
Lorelai squeezed the purse and it made a crinkly sound.
"Oh, careful," Jess warned. "There's something inside."
"What?" Lorelai asked, quickly lifting the flap and pulling out a package.
"They're these cookies, called alfajores… They're like a sandwich cookie with dulce de leche in the middle and dipped in chocolate. I thought you might like them. Don't worry, I got you some too," Jess added to Rory with amusement, after hearing her gasp with longing.
Lorelai stared at the gifts in her lap. "That's… that's actually really thoughtful of you, Jess," she said quietly. Her expression looked caught somewhere between touched and guilty. "This is beautiful, thank you."
Jess shrugged. "Glad you like it."
"Here's a gift with your name on it, from Aunt Lorelai!" Doula announced cheerfully, taking her self-appointed job of gift-distributor very seriously and dropping a package in Jess's lap.
"Oh! Uh… that's… that's nothing," Lorelai laughed nervously, lurching forward like she wanted to snatch it away and then wringing her hands together. "That's, um, not your real present, haha."
Jess looked at her with one eyebrow raised and unwrapped his gift. It was a pair of socks. He held them up to look at, and noticed there was writing knitted into the soles. "'If you can read this,'" he read aloud, "'Leave me alone.' Huh."
Lorelai laughed uncomfortably again. "Just a little… joke, haha. For when you're… relaxing with a book or something? You know? But I, ah, ordered you something else… something a lot nicer… but, uh, it didn't get here in time, so I just… threw that in as a funny li'l extra so you'd have something to unwrap!"
Rory's eyes narrowed.
"Thanks," Jess said warily, still looking at the socks.
"Well!" Lorelai segued, with forced hearty cheer, "Moving on! There's more gifts for everyone! Doula, sweetie?"
"Here," Jess said to Rory quietly. He handed her a rectangular-shaped package.
"I think I know what this is," Rory teased.
A small smile tugged at Jess's lips. "Maybe."
It was a book of poetry by Silvina Ocampo.
"She was a contemporary of Borges," Jess said. "Really underrated. She wrote short stories too, but I wasn't sure how your Spanish is these days?"
"Pretty rusty, I'm afraid," Rory admitted ruefully, "so the poetry was a great choice! Thank you so much! I love how poetry is such an accessible way to read literature in another language. It's short and punchy, so it's easier to get the point of it, but also you get such a feel for the structure of a language? The way it sounds and-"
"The cadence of it, yeah," Jess finished, his eyes catching the flare of her enthusiasm, glowing with it.
G-d. Was there anything like this? That feeling of being so perfectly understood by another person?
"There's something else," he pointed out.
She opened a small packet to reveal a pair of tiny silver earrings, studs hand-carved in the shape of flowers. "They're pretty," she breathed.
"I know it's not much. They're pretty small," Jess said uncomfortably. "But I knew you had Richie, and don't babies pull on long earrings?"
"I think you know from experience that babies pull on everything," Rory laughed. "So you definitely made the right choice. Did you get them in Buenos Aires?"
Jess nodded. "Yeah, I got those at the art fair too. I kinda… did most of my Christmas shopping there, to be honest."
"I would have too. I love them."
"Yeah?"
"Mm-hm."
"Good."
There was a board book in Spanish for Richie, which Rory helped him unwrap after letting him scratch and tear at the paper for a while.
"Never too early to learn a second language, right?"
"Exactly! In fact, it's easier the earlier you start! This is great."
"See, I knew you'd know that."
"Thank you, Jess. Really."
He shrugged bashfully, grinning. "Glad you like them."
"Rory! Can I talk to you for a minute?" Lorelai said with a desperate smile painted on her face. She dragged her daughter into the hall and then gripped her by the shoulders. "I need you to tell me what Jess likes," she said.
"I knew it," Rory said. "I knew you didn't have another present for him!"
"Please!" Lorelai begged. "You have to help me!"
"I can't believe you!"
"Well! How was I to know he'd do something so… nice?!"
"I told you," Rory said, shaking her head.
"And now I look bad!" Lorelai whined. "I feel bad! He got me a handmade artisan purse and cookies brought from a faraway land, and I got him socks that twit him about his reclusive habits!"
"Well, at least they're not used ones," Rory said drily.
"Rory!" Lorelai wailed. "I need to get him something good so I don't feel like a wicked stepmother from a fairytale! So, come on! You've got that freakish psychic connection going on, so tell me!"
Rory sighed. "Fine." She looked off the the side, but then was distracted by seeing that Doula had plopped Richie down on Jess's chest, where he was lying on his back in front of the fire. He made an exaggerated, "Oof," sound as he lifted his head to look at the baby while Doula giggled.
"Hi," he said. "How did you get so stinkin' heavy, huh? I don't even know if I can lift you anymore!" He pretended to groan as he pushed Richie up into the air. Richie squealed in delight around the pudgy, drool-slick fist he had stuffed in his mouth, and Jess and Doula laughed at the sound. (It is impossible not to laugh when a baby is laughing.)
"Well, since you're up there," Jess continued, "I might as well do some lifting. You ready?" He shot a sly glance at Lorelai and then started counting as he pushed Richie up and down, pretending to strain under a great weight as the baby giggled madly.
Rory was jolted out of her trance when her mother slapped her on the arm suddenly. "Ow!"
"I can't believe you told him!" Lorelai whispered indignantly.
"Told him what?!"
"About the bench-pressing small children thing!"
"I did not tell him that! Why would I tell him that? You were being creepy!"
"Well he must have found out somehow! Did you see that look he gave me? He's mocking me."
"Well, maybe your 'subtle interrogations' about his workout routine just weren't subtle enough."
"Hmm. Here, let me just get this for you…" Lorelai drawled, wiping at Rory's chin with her thumb. "Had a little drool there."
Rory flushed as red as her sweater. "Stop it!" she hissed, swatting her mother away.
Jess suddenly made a loud sound of disgust and the room erupted in laughter, as they turned to see Jess sitting up and wiping his face with his sleeve. He caught Rory's gaze across the room and called out, "Hey Gilmore, your kid drooled on me!"
Rory snorted as she strode over to pull her son from Jess's arms. "Well, if he did, I'm sure you deserved it," she said loftily.
Even with the beard, there was something so irrepressibly boyish about the way Jess grinned up at her from the floor, pushing his unruly hair out of his face, it made Rory's heart seize in her chest.
She took a deep breath. "Well. I think I'd better see if I can get him to go down for a nap," she announced to the room at large, and everyone waved goodbye to the baby as she left the room hurriedly.
Rory's attempts to get Richie to take a nap proved futile. He was too excited, there was too much happening for him to settle down. She tried to leave him and see if he'd quiet down on his own, but he continued to squawk through the baby monitor, so it wasn't long before he was ensconced in his highchair at the table with the rest of them, experimentally squishing mashed potatoes in his fists and seeing how many times Jess would pick up his teething ring if he dropped it on the floor.
"I had the greatest idea just a coupl'a weeks ago in the middle of the night," TJ announced. "I'm gonna turn the moat into a skatin' rink this winter!"
"The moat?" Rory repeated in confusion.
"Oh, TJ built a moat this summer!" Liz explained proudly. "It's very cool!"
"It's a lawsuit waiting to happen, is what it is," grumbled Luke.
Liz scoffed, "Aww, you're no fun! It's fine. TJ was very careful!"
TJ nodded seriously. "I was. I made very sure that it wasn't too deep. 'Cause it's just decorative, you know?"
"It's a mud pit," Luke muttered under his breath.
"'A man's home is his castle.' And every castle's gotta have a moat! But it's not deep enough to attract any gators, so it's very very safe."
"Gators? There aren't any alligators around here, TJ, this is Connecticut!"
"Well then how do you explain the alligators in the sewers in New York?"
"Those were just people's pets who escaped."
"But they're down there, just giant colonies of 'em, and who's to say they haven't been spreading out? I don't want my moat turnin' into some breeding ground-"
"It's a breeding ground for malaria."
"-But anyway. This moat turned out real nice. It's got a bridge and everything!"
"It's a couple of pallets nailed to some two-by-fours," Luke snapped.
TJ rolled his eyes condescendingly. "It's- what's that thing called, Lizzie? Where you take old junk and then make somethin' that's really… 'Wow!'"
"Ah, UPcycling!" Liz chirped, raising her fork in the air for emphasis.
"Yeah, upcycling! It's reclaimed. It's very environmentally friendly. And Doula held the nails for me."
Doula shared a smile with her dad.
"She did real good. She could be an engineer or an architect one day!"
"Oh, TJ, don't get her hopes up," Liz chided. "You have to go to college to get those kinda jobs."
"Well, he didn't go to college," TJ pointed at Jess. "Mr. Juvenile Delinquent over there is travelin' the world as a hotshot novelist!"
"He got lucky."
"Well, if he got that lucky, why not my kid, huh? She's a real good kid and she's got her dad right here!"
"Oh, honey. Jimmy may have been a deadbeat bastard, but he was an intellectual."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Just that different people are gifted in different areas, baby, and you're-"
"Mom."
Jess's voice had been quiet, but his face was severe and stern as he stared back at Liz. She blinked at him in surprise. He shook his head firmly.
Liz seemed to wilt briefly, but then huffed a little indignantly and rolled her eyes. "Well, fine," she grumbled. "God forbid I say anything in this family…"
Rory saw Doula glancing back and forth between her mom and her brother, looking confused and unhappy. Her heart squeezed painfully. "So, Doula," she said, "What was your favorite part of working on the moat?"
The girl lit up gratefully. "Um, probably finding Tyler," she said.
"Tyler?"
"Yeah, Tyler's what I named the toad I found! He was just a little guy, all lumpy, and he peed on me when I caught him."
"Oh! Um, wow!"
"She loved that toad," Liz nodded. "We built him a little home in a Tupperware box with some moss and a little swimming pool, didn't we?"
Doula nodded. "Yeah, and I caught worms and crickets for him to eat! But then we had to let him go."
"Wild things need to be free." Liz intoned sagely.
"Yeah. But he had such pretty eyes. Have you ever looked at a toad's eyes before?" the girl asked Rory.
"I can't say I have," Rory admitted, smiling.
"It's like they've got gold dust in 'em!" Doula explained excitedly.
Jess was smiling at his sister with unimaginable fondness.
"Maybe Doula could even be a scientist someday!" TJ said proudly.
"TJ!" Liz admonished, putting her fork down with a clatter.
"Ah, speaking of scientists, what's April been up to lately?" Lorelai asked Luke hurriedly.
"Oh, so Luke's allowed to have a smart daughter, but I can't?!" TJ interjected, gesticulating wildly.
Jess's face was like thunder as he looked worriedly at his sister, and Rory and her mom exchanged a grim glance.
Lorelai quickly turned to Doula with a smile. "Well, sweetie, you wanna go for a walk with me and Paul Anka before dessert comes out?"
"Ok."
"Great! Let's go!"
Rory sighed with relief as they pushed back from the table and bustled out the door with the dog, but her relief was short-lived. In a few moments, the mood of the evening would be irrevocably altered.
"It would be nice if Lorelai could be here, but now's probably the best time for me to tell you all something," Liz announced.
"I've been trying to take real good care of myself, so I make sure to do my Breast Self Exams every month."
"That's true," TJ interjected. "Lizzie's real regular about it. Makes a man glad for that glass shower door, you know what I mean?"
"Jeez," came the reaction in stereo, with both Luke and Jess wearing identical looks of horrified disgust.
"TJ!" Liz giggled, slapping his arm playfully. "And that's how I know this is probably gonna be my last Christmas," she finished wistfully.
The room went quiet.
"What?" Luke asked.
"Well, I found a lump," she said.
"What? And it's cancer? The doctor said you only had a year?"
"Oh, I haven't talked to a doctor about it, but I just got a feeling, you know? I can feel it in my gut."
"We gotta make Lizzie's last year as special as possible," TJ said, getting choked up.
"But you don't know it's gonna be your last year, Mom," Jess said softly. "It might be nothing. You haven't been to the doctor yet."
"Why waste the money when she already knows?" TJ scoffed.
"I just feel that it's my time to go. You know, I'm older now than our mom was when she got cancer. It's a family curse, and it's caught up with me."
Luke stood up, upset, and started pacing the room.
"We haven't told Doula yet."
"Please don't tell her. We want her to be able to enjoy this Christmas."
"But you're going to tell her, right? You have to tell her."
"Oh, we will. But I don't want to ruin her holiday."
"We'll keep talking about this later," Luke said sternly, "but for now, you want some tea? I'm making you some tea."
"Thanks, big brother," Liz said warmly, squeezing his arm as he passed by her on his way out of the room.
Jess moved closer to his mother. "Hey," he said gently, "I just… I think you should get it checked out first, Mom. For Doula at least, right? Even if it is something, if they catch it early enough, they can do something about it. Is there anything I can help with? Take you to an appointment, or…"
Liz laughed. "My son. So sensitive," she said as an aside to Rory, who was speechless. "He's always hated change, this one. He takes after Luke that way. The fits he used to throw whenever we had to move or one of my marriages broke up! He just got so upset! You know, he kicked a hole in the wall once? He did. He was fourteen. But I always told him," and she turned back to Jess, "baby, people come and go! Change is life! You gotta let people go, Jess. Get used to it."
He reared back and stared at his mother as if she'd slapped him. For some strange reason, when Rory thought back on this night years later, she would remember the incongruous sounds of 'I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas' filtering through the room in the silence that followed.
Jess abruptly stood and walked down the hall towards the kitchen.
Liz smiled at Rory apologetically and shrugged as if to say, "What're you gonna do?"
"Excuse me," Rory choked out, rising to follow after Jess. She found him folded in on himself in a corner of the room having a hushed discussion with Luke.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Jess was growling through gritted teeth. He shot Rory a haunted glance and then shook his head, escaping to the bathroom.
Luke sighed and looked at Rory sympathetically. "What a night, huh?"
"Yeah," Rory said softly. "Are you ok?"
"Me? Oh, I'm fine," he assured her. "I'm not having fun… but… Jeez.
The back door opened at that moment and Lorelai and Doula tumbled in with Paul Anka, cheeks flushed from the cold and stamping the snow off their boots. Lorelai looked between Rory and Luke's grave faces with confusion.
"Who obliterated the vibe?" she asked.
Luke glanced at Doula in distress and took a deep, anxious breath. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" He said quietly to Lorelai, jerking his thumb in the direction of Rory's room.
Lorelai blinked in surprise. "Sure," she said. "Here, let me take the leash off first…" She handed it to Rory and then followed after Luke.
Rory looked at Doula and forced a smile. "Hey!" she said cheerfully. "You guys have a nice walk?"
Doula nodded, shifting a little warily. It was clear she could sense something was amiss.
"Well, let's get back to the party!" Rory said. She slung an arm around Doula's shoulders and walked her back to the living room, where Liz and TJ were cooing over Richie.
Liz looked up as soon as they entered and gave an exaggerated gasp. "Baby! You're back!" she said, opening her arms to her daughter and enfolding her in a tight hug. "Come cuddle up with me for a while. Hasn't this been just the perfect Christmas?"
Conversation around the table with dessert was awkward. Lorelai tried to keep things upbeat, and Liz and TJ seemed as determinedly cheerful as ever, but the change in atmosphere was palpable. Luke tried to distract himself with Richie, bouncing the baby on his knee and making faces, trying to pull giggles out of his pudgy body, but without his nap Richie was becoming increasingly difficult to please. Jess was distant and even more silent than his usual self, and Rory watched him worriedly. He had hardly eaten anything, and responded tersely to any questions, if he responded at all. As soon as there were any empty plates, Jess started to clear them and offered to clean up, but it was an obvious escape tactic.
Richie was getting fussier and fussier. Rory would have just put him to bed, but she had a video call scheduled with Logan in less than half an hour. She'd have to start passing him around now.
"Alright, everyone! It's almost time for Mr. Richie to say goodnight!" Rory announced, and Lorelai rushed over to scoop her bad-tempered grandson up for a few final kisses.
While everyone cooed over the baby, Rory slipped out to the kitchen to get a few final things ready and found Jess by himself at the sink.
"We have to stop meeting like this," she teased, as this was their third kitchen rendezvous at least.
Jess smiled wanly but it didn't last long. He didn't seem able to look at her.
Rory came to stand next to him and tilted her head to search his face better. "You ok?" she asked gently.
He was silent for a moment, then opened his mouth as if to speak… only to be interrupted by Doula shuffling in with a crying Richie on her hip.
"I think he's pretty much done," Doula said, as Rory rushed over to claim her son.
"Oh, poor guy!" Rory crooned. "We've had no nap today and a tooth coming in! Oh wow, that's a lot of drool, buddy," she muttered, wiping his little red chin with the driest edge of his bib. "Time to say goodnight to Jess!"
Jess stroked the baby's cheek with one finger. "'Night, little guy,"
Richie paused for a moment, bewildered, before starting to cry again.
Rory winced. "Oh dear. I should probably find that extra teething ring," she said, opening up the freezer to rummage for it. Behind her, she could hear Doula begging Jess for attention.
"Jess! Come read me more of A Christmas Carol," Doula wheedled.
"Not right now, Doula, I'm sorry."
"Or a game? We could play a game!"
Jess was shaking his head, jaw clenched. "No. I can't do that right now."
Richie was still crying, and conversation was loud in the next room.
"Come on!" his sister begged, pulling on his sweater. "Pleeeease? I haven't seen you in ages and-"
"I SAID not NOW, Doula!" Jess exploded, yanking his arm away.
Doula shrank back and stared at him, her big brown eyes filling with tears.
Jess stared back at her, his chest heaving and looking both wild and utterly wretched. He seemed to crumple in on himself. "Doula…"
Doula choked back a sob and ran from the room.
Jess moved to rush after her but then stopped, swearing under his breath. He looked at Rory then, as if he had forgotten she was there, and his face was devastated.
"Jess…"
"I'm sorry," he said roughly. "I… I have to get a grip."
Richie was pulling at Rory's sweater and starting to cry again.
Jess sighed. "Just go, Rory. I know you need to, so don't worry about me, ok?"
"Fine," she said tightly. Easier said than done. But a crying baby wasn't conducive to decreasing anyone's stress levels and she was late for her call with Logan, so what else could she do? She took one last look at Jess's defeated form, slumped against the kitchen counter, before shutting the door to her room behind her.
Rory got her laptop set up and tried desperately to keep Richie from melting down completely before his call with his dad.
"Hey, Logan. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too. You sound tired. Everything ok over there?"
"Oh, just… family drama. What're you gonna do?"
"Ahh, I see."
Richie was squirmy and fussing in Rory's lap in frustration. He flung his teething ring to the ground and started screeching. Rory sighed with exhaustion and bent to pick it up. He crammed it back in his mouth desperately.
"Little Man doesn't seem very merry," Logan observed.
"Yeah, well, he's teething. It's also getting pretty late," Rory said pointedly.
"I'm sorry about that. But I wanted to wait until Odette was asleep."
Rory huffed. "I thought you told her?"
"Yes. I did. And she's been pretty upset about it. It's Christmas, Ace. I wanted my wife to have a happy Christmas. Is that so wrong?"
"I guess not," Rory conceded bitterly. It was right for him to put his wife first. He should put his wife first. But it still hurt to always be second-best. Just like Dean had prioritized Lindsay's feelings after the divorce (which, Rory admitted, is what he- they- really shouldhave done before the divorce). Is this how Jess had felt when she had fretted over protecting Dean's feelings? It sucked. Why did she keep putting herself in this position?
"Did you get the presents I sent?"
"Yes, we did. Thank you very much! He loves them."
"Good. I hoped he would."
"Richie, say hi to Daddy?"
Richie arched his back and nearly clocked Rory in the chin with the back of his head.
"Wow. Maybe we should try this another time."
"Yeah," Rory sighed, exhausted. "Let me know what your schedule looks like. I'm sorry about this."
"No, it's ok. I'm sure he's had a very long and exciting day. Bye bye, Little Man. Be good for your mom, ok?"
"Bye, Logan."
She ended the call and then focused the next half-hour at least trying to soothe and nurse and calm her baby boy to sleep at last. He was so restless, and she didn't know if it was because of his teeth or because he was overexcited, or if he could feel her own anxiety bleeding through. Jess was not ok. That much was obvious. She didn't even know if there was anything she could do to help, but being stuck in here, powerless and unaware of what was happening outside, filled her with a desperate sort of dread.
Richie finally slipped into a fitful sleep and Rory eased him into his crib. The house seemed quiet. She tiptoed out of her bedroom, unsure of what she'd find, and closed the door softly behind her. Lorelai looked up and smiled grimly from her seat at the kitchen table, where she and Liz were drinking wine and talking about Liz's Etsy shop. She forced a smile back, but felt distracted. Where was Jess?
"Hey, honey," Lorelai said softly. "Did he finally go down?"
Rory nodded. "Finally. Do you know where Jess is?"
Lorelai looked uneasily at Liz, who seemed very interested in her nails all of a sudden. "No clue, sweets."
The knot of anxiety in Rory's stomach tightened. "Ok," she said, and walked into the living room. TJ had his new puzzle spread out all over the floor, and Luke was hovering over him looking about 5 seconds away from blowing a fuse, but Jess was nowhere in sight
Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything, Rory tried to reason with herself. He could be in the bathroom, or be fetching something from the car… something totally reasonable and innocuous. He could show up any minute.
Rory was about to talk to Luke when she spotted Doula curled up with Paul Anka, watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas on TV.
"Hey," Rory said softly, sitting next to her. "You doing ok?"
Doula rolled her eyes. "I'm fine," she grumbled. "I'm just here watching a movie about my stupid brother."
Rory's mouth twitched against her will. "Ok. Well, I wanted to make sure you know that your stupid brother loves you a lot. I think he's going through some stuff right now that was making him upset, but he wasn't really upset with you."
Doula sighed in frustration. "Everybody keeps saying that, but they won't tell me what's going on!"
Rory pressed her lips together. "I don't think it's my place to tell you what he's dealing with. But… I was in that room after you left, and I could tell that Jess felt really horrible for yelling at you. He looked really sad."
"Well, then why hasn't he said so?!"
Rory looked at Doula for a few moments and then said, "You know I've known your brother for a really long time? Like, longer than you've been alive?"
"Yeah…"
"Well… I've learned a thing or two about him over the years, and the thing about Jess is… did your parents ever put you in time out when you were little?"
"No."
"Oh. Um… ok… Well, did any of your teachers? Or any of your classmates' parents?"
"Yeah."
"Well, the thing I've learned about Jess is that, when he feels really upset or feels like he's really messed something up, especially with someone he cares a lot about, it's like he puts himself in time out for a while. Sometimes he needs to calm down, but sometimes I think he feels like he needs to punish himself. Like he thinks he doesn't even deserve to talk to you anymore."
"But that's stupid!"
Rory smiled. "It can be sometimes. And there have been times when I've been really really mad at him for doing that. But another thing I've learned about Jess is that he always comes back later, and… he'll never stop loving you the whole time. So just… it'll be ok. Ok?"
Doula sighed. "Ok."
"Ok ok ok!" Rory joked, nudging the girl's shoulder with hers.
Doula giggled.
Rory smiled at the girl again and then stood, immediately sobering as she looked around. Jess still hadn't returned, and despite what she'd told Doula, she was beginning to worry.
"I want those picked up before you leave, TJ," Luke was saying. "Did you have to get the whole thing out now?"
"It's almost done!" TJ wheedled. "You can't just do half the puzzle and then take it apart, Luke. Douls!" he yelled across the room. "You're missin' all the fun! Come help your old man finish this!"
Rory touched Luke's arm. "Hey. Can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked quietly.
"Sure. Ten minutes, TJ! And I mean that! That's it!"
Rory led Luke to the front door and kept her voice low. "Luke, have you seen Jess?"
"No, not since he stormed out after making his kid sister cry! I swear, the way he's handling this…" Luke shook his head, fuming.
"Luke, that was over an hour ago!"
"I'm sure he's fine. He just needed space to cool off or something." He looked at Rory's distressed face and softened slightly. "I'm sure he's fine, ok? Don't worry about it." He gave her shoulder a brief squeeze of reassurance and then went back to check on TJ.
Rory wanted to believe him, but she couldn't shake her feeling of unease. Luke hadn't heard what Liz said. He didn't know. Following her gut, Rory grabbed her coat from the hall and quietly slipped out the front door, half expecting Jess to be hiding out on the porch, but he wasn't. He wasn't anywhere. Jess was gone.
A.N. Well! How are you doing? Thank you for reading! I would love to know what you think!