Chapter 16. September 22, εуλ0002 - September 29, εуλ0002
The town gates, open wide, no welcoming embrace, but seemed to Cloud a gaping mouth, ready to swallow him up. It wasn't the homecoming he'd been expecting; he'd wanted to return, proud, heralded, not embarrassed and afraid to show his face. His mask was hot and stuffy; it was starting to make him sick. But that was nothing compared to the butterflies in his stomach.
He'd meant to come home a hero. SOLDIER First Class. Now he knew how naïve he had been. How far away he really was from those lofty goals he'd carried with him to Midgar. But he'd made his brash affirmations, and now he couldn't deliver.
Most of the guys he had fought with would be gone. He didn't much care about that. The one person he did care about was –
Tifa.
It took a moment for his eyes to spot her, across the town square, talking to Zack – but as soon as she entered his vision, his eyes zoomed on her until he could see nothing else. Instinctively, he shrank away.
He remembered with vivid clarity the promise they had made under the stars, the beautiful girl asking for him to be her hero. She was prettier than ever. Girlish still, but ever more filled out than when he had seen her last, getting closer to the shape she would finalize in as a woman... Which was she really? Girl, or woman? Somewhere right in that hazy gray shape in between. He noted with satisfaction that at the very least, he was now taller than her.
It broke his heart to be so close to the image that had filled his dreams, kept him going through long days and lonelier nights. So close, in both space and time, but unable to touch, to speak.
Tifa struggled to conceal her disappointment. She'd been awake half the night, churning with excitement at the thought of seeing Cloud again… but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, she got… this guy. First Class, he'd said, just like Sephiroth; she'd barely even seen the famous general, but even so, her striking impression was icy, unreachable. This SOLDIER – Zack - was different.
"They only sent two of you?" she asked in surprise.
"Hey, that's TWO First Classes!" he grinned, mock-offended. "Just ONE is more than enough for any job."
"Oh," she replied indifferently. She dwelled on blonde-spiked hair and cerulean eyes, nighttime fantasies of kisses and touches. His face, a blur where she'd had to fill in details unknown, over a man's torso wrapping strong arms around her. "Are there many first classes like you guys?"
"Nope! It takes a lot to make it up to the elite!" Zack laughed, trying to charm this village girl into at least a smile. She only seemed disappointed.
He sighed in defeat. She was the mayor's daughter; by extension, it was essentially her granting him the hospitality of the town. "Well, we'll be here for a few days. Look, here's my PHS number if you need anything." Hurriedly, he scribbled down the digits and handed them to her. She looked at the paper, only nodding before she ran off without so much as a goodbye.
Huh. Weird girl.
"Cloud," the trooper heard a voice coming from behind him as he stared after Tifa's departure. He turned in surprise. "Cissnei, how did you know it was me?"
"I'm a Turk," she told him. "I'm supposed to know these things."
"Fair enough." Cloud replied. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"I was here to scout out the area. Find a guide." She nodded to the empty spot where Tifa had lately been standing. "She's going to be your guide up the mountain."
"Tifa?" Cloud gasped in panic. Butterflies threatened to turn into barf.
"Huh. So you DO know her," Cissnei mulled. "She asked me about you."
Cloud gulped. "She really did? What did you tell her?"
"I said I wasn't sure. Because I wasn't." She looked at Cloud squarely. "Why are you keeping on the helmet, anyway?"
Embarrassed, he looked around hastily to assure himself that Tifa was gone before taking it off. "It's complicated." Cloud brushed off the question. "I… made her a promise once. I told her… I'd come save her if she ever needed me." He paused. "I told her I'd be her hero. That I'd come back home as SOLDIER. I can't stand to let her know I didn't keep that promise." Cissnei felt sympathetic, thought she though Cloud was selling himself short. "Look, ah, can you do me a favor? Don't tell Tifa I'm here, OK?"
"I didn't realize you were from Nibelheim," Cissnei replied. How had she overlooked that detail in his file? That must have been why he'd been placed on the mission. It was all starting to make sense. But nowhere had been noted this complication of a childhood crush; some things slipped even beneath the Turks' notice. "I understand. Ok, I won't tell her. On one condition."
"What's that?" Cloud asked.
"Don't tell Zack I'm here, OK?"
"Remaining undercover?"
"Something like that. It's… complicated," Cissnei dodged, echoing Cloud's answer.
She was already composing a longer explanation, but Cloud didn't press. One of Zack's best friends – will he keep a secret from him? "Agreed," he finally said.
She slipped away, allowing Cloud to rejoin the SOLDIER party waiting for him at the gates of the inn. Cloud slammed the helmet back on his head, wondering how long this mission would last and if he really could remain hidden from Tifa the whole time.
Predictably, Zack called him out. "What are you wearing that mask for? Must be awful." He looked up the sunshine. "I didn't realize it would actually be this warm up here. Must be the reactor, huh?"
"It's personal." Cloud put a note of finality in his sentence.
Zack clapped him on the back. Sephiroth merely stood there, impatient. "Cloud, sometimes you are such a weirdo, you know that? Aren't you going to go visit your family, at least? You gonna keep that on at your mom's house?"
"Yeah… maybe." Zack couldn't figure out what was holding Cloud back... He'd have thought Cloud would be excited to be back home after all this time. Zack could only shrug in confusion. "Well, whatever you feel like doing, buddy. Don't stay out too late. We've got a long day coming up, tomorrow."
Mako comes from the Lifestream, and the Lifestream is made up of souls…
The mountain is proof those people lived.
Claudia's voice, years ago, coming up from her memories as she stared into the twinkling of the Mako fountain. It really is here… As far as Tifa had explored, she'd had no idea of the secrets the mountain held inside.
Sephiroth droned on. "…knowledge of the Ancients… binds us to the Planet… we use our connections to call forth powerful magic…"
It made sense to Zack. It was the same thing that he'd learned in SOLDIER, using memory and emotion to center your strength. He had those closest to him that he recalled to find his courage inside, but how much stronger must it be to be able to call on all the wisdom of those who had ever lived? All in those little balls of materia. Fascinating. He'd never even realized that was what he was doing.
One word caught his ear as Sephiroth spoke. Ancients. Cissnei had told him Aerith was an Ancient. How did that all fit in with magic, with materia? So far, he hadn't let on that he was privy to her secret, but one day soon, he was going to have to ask. It was something a husband should know about his wife, right?
Tifa's hand stretched out, and Sephiroth paused. "I wouldn't do that, young lady. With a natural spring like this… You might be overwhelmed by all the voices inside. It takes a strong will to resist them. SOLDIERs have prior exposure. Anyone else is likely to be swallowed up, poisoned, somewhere between the Lifestream and the world."
Tifa thought she could handle it, but she shrank away nonetheless. All those thoughts and memories… even the IDEA of it was overwhelming, experiencing the Lifestream in full. What would that be like?
An idle thought occurred to her. If we are using Mako as energy, could it run out? Sephiroth would probably know the answer… but she found herself terrified to ask.
She noticed the quiet trooper with them had gotten close, he reaching out as well, though not as far as she; Tifa totally understood. Something was compelling, undeniable. It drew you in. Even from where she stood, it was as if she felt supremely connected, one with everything of life.
Such a shy guy, she thought. He hadn't said so much of a word the whole way up; he seemed so bashful that it left Tifa too embarrassed to even ask his name. Perhaps after this she'd have a chance to talk to him…
Genesis… alive…
Sephiroth, still inside the reactor, scornful of his old friend.
Angeal, whereabouts still unknown…
…and above all, those terrifying abominations within the pods…
Zack's thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt, as he exited the reactor to a thunderous scene of disaster.
Monsters, far more than Cloud could deal with alone; as he watched, the trooper fell to the ground, attacked by one of Genesis's spawns. Tifa stood poised and ready to fight, as if the slender girl had a chance against these creatures. His sword whisked forwards, and he leapt in front of Tifa, the girl wide-eyed and trembling slightly; he wasn't sure if it was their enemies, or HIM, that he feared more.
He dispatched the clones in barely an instant. Zack turned behind him to see Tifa leaning over Cloud gently, tenderly reaching a hand to him - and Zack wondered. "He… protected me," she said, both surprise and awe in her voice.
Cloud, immediately down for the count, but that hadn't stopped him from trying. "I have a Cure materia back at the inn," Zack said, cursing his arrogance, thinking it wouldn't be needed. "Can't do anything in the field."
Tifa gulped. "I… I think I can support him back," she said.
Zack nodded. "We'll do it together, then. I'll clear the way up front. We'll take it slow, OK? Just stay close to me."
Tifa nodded, and not without some difficulty, hauled Cloud up to his feet. The man half-stumbled, half-leaned on her, as she bravely began the slow and arduous task of helping Cloud down the mountain. She was under obvious strain, but kept determination in her gait; Zack mentally revised his opinion of her.
Stronger than I thought, inside and out.
Not unlike Cloud himself…
He wanted to ask her about Cloud, but other tasks were more pressing. The trip was long, tedious, Zack continually looking back to check on Tifa and Cloud - she unwavering in her step, he stumbling forward semi-lucid. Eventually, they made it back into town, and with a grunt of relief, Tifa propped Cloud against the wall of the inn. Cloud hung his head, holding himself up with hands on knees, clarity slowly coming back.
Tifa looked around, nonchalant. "I'll see if I can find out about Sephiroth." So she HADN'T failed to notice he was missing. Zack had no idea where the general had gone. "You have my PHS number," he told her, and she turned to go.
"Tifa," he said, and she looked behind her. He met her in the eyes.
"Thank you," was all he told her, and with a nod of acknowledgement, she was gone.
With nothing to be done about Sephiroth, he turned to the problems he could control. Cloud stood, awkwardly, but didn't resist Zack's arm as Zack half-dragged him up the stairs, plopped him on one bed, and sat on the other to watch vigil over his friend.
Consciousness flooded back to Cloud abruptly, and he pulled himself to sitting, a headache ramming his skull.
"She's safe," he heard Zack's voice.
Cloud could remember the feeling of his arm over her shoulders as she helped him stand, kindness in her hold, taking him back to the girl he had promised himself to under the stars. The warmth of her nearness suffused him still, contact he'd so wished for… and look how it had happened! Fantasies shot to hell. My first chance to keep that promise to her… and I make a fool of myself instead.
His only consolation was that Tifa didn't know who he was.
"If only I were in SOLDIER…" Cloud let the thought trail off into regret.
Zack sighed. SOLDIER… Cloud wanted in, but more and more, Zack was wondering if he wanted OUT. Someplace where innocence and love could survive. "Do you… know Tifa?" he asked, considering.
Cloud hung his head, embarrassed. "Sort of," he replied.
A-ha. That explained a lot. "Talk to her?"
"No," Cloud admitted, drooping.
Zack's mind was whirring faster and faster. Perhaps he could help do something, spur this couple on their way. Truthfully, he was a bit jealous. How long had Cloud been carrying a torch for her? Since childhood? How must it be, to have that purity of love from the start.
It had taken him so long to find the girl who was the one. Soon, soon he hoped, she would be his… his mind was made up. Just as soon as he could get back to Midgar and there wasn't crisis after crisis…
He was ready. He wanted so desperately to ask.
The only thing holding him back… sometimes, Zack wasn't confident of who he was. Could he make that kind of commitment without being sure? Absent-minded, he picked up his sword, forehead to it, floating in the memory of his mentor.
"Zack," Cloud's voice interrupted, "you know, you never actually use that thing."
Huh. Cloud was right; he really didn't. Strength alone was usually enough to get him through, the blunt end only an extension of himself, a mechanical leverage of his power. So why didn't he trade it in for something more useful?
But, truthfully, he knew. An omnipresent memento to remind him of who he really was. It was the sword that represented what he wanted to be – protector, not aggressor. To keep honor, bring meaning to his life and his soul.
"I almost forget," he admitted, turning to his friend. "Thank you, Cloud, for reminding me." Of what I wanted, to be a hero. But I'll do so on my own terms this time. Cloud looked at him in confusion, but how could he explain all Angeal's lessons in a few short words?
There will be plenty of time, Cloud. Soon enough, you'll be SOLDIER, and I'll be there with you, to pass all that wisdom forward. Let that be part of the legacy of Angeal, that I leave to you.
Days went by. Since the day Tifa had come to tell him that Sephiroth had locked himself in the mansion, there had been no change. Sephiroth, still in that library doing Goddess-knows-what, casually dismissing Zack to leave him alone; and Zack's restlessness was crawling under his skin.
He'd stop by Tifa's house in the morning, to see if she had any news. Shyly, she admitted there was nothing to report. He found himself walking laps around the village, looking for something to fight, feeling even more useless than he had been in Costa del Sol. The mission in stasis. Couldn't get through to Aerith with the crap signal in the mountains. How did they have wi-fi here, but not a cell signal? At least there was Cloud to keep him company, or he thought he might have lost it altogether.
Circling back to the village, he found the other man standing by the water tower, staring up. Zack followed his line of sight….
Tifa's house.
"Whatcha doing there, buddy?" Zack asked.
Cloud started, like he had been caught doing something he shouldn't. In a way, maybe he had. "Just… thinking about the past."
He'd thought he couldn't bear to reveal himself to Tifa; he was starting to change his mind. I should just go ahead and do it. The day before, he'd actually worked up the courage to knock at her door.
Tentatively, he squeaked open the door. Just like always, no one in Nibelheim ever locked their doors, depending on the courtesy of others not to enter. Not like anyone would steal, or even have terribly much worth stealing.
Had he ever been in her house before? He thought back, and realized… he hadn't. He'd THOUGHT about it so many times that he had successfully confused himself, but now that he really thought about it… never, actually.
Despite polite intentions, he found his feet carrying him inside, up the stairs, into her room. This, the room he had gazed into from afar so many times… starting with… that day…
The day that had changed so many things. For both of them.
He walked to the piano, grazing fingers over keys, thinking about the notes that had been played here so many times. On a whim, he pounded out a few chords, the extent of his limited musical knowledge.
Outside, he heard a sound.
Suddenly terrified, he jumped away from the piano. He glanced furtively out the window, and to his relief, no one was coming – but he was spooked him enough to hustle out the front door, closing it behind him with a careful click.
What if he left her a note? Or had Zack deliver a message? Ask her to meet him outside the water tower once again. He'd tear off that mask and then... He pictured her pulling close, slender fingers flat against his chest. He'd put his arms around her, hands softly grazing her hips, as their lips drew close…
Maybe he'd be able to try again when she was here.
"I haven't even told my mom yet I'm here," he admitted.
It was all coming together. "The blonde knight" Tifa had talked about in her email, embarrassed afterward that she had asked. Cloud's shyness, trying to hide who he was. Something needed to be done. It would be so easy. Rent a room in the inn, stuff those two in, and throw away the key, and just let things happen.
He strongly suspected Tifa would be happy to see Cloud.
"I got your email," Zack told him. "No worries. I'll totally go with you to see your mom. Looking forward to it."
"Thanks, Zack." Cloud's thoughts were already drifting off.
"Well, I think I'm going to turn in for the night. You going to be okay out here?"
"Yeah." Cloud's voice was distant, dreamy. "I'll be there soon. I'm just going to stay and... think some more."
Zack nodded, leaving Cloud behind to gaze at the stars.
Tseng listened avidly to Cissnei's call, feeling the strain behind his eyes. The mansion. He knew little more than he knew about the secrets of the reactor, but what little he knew was more than he wanted to. Hojo. That man's name connected with ANYTHING was a Very Bad Sign.
His Turk instincts were screaming.
"Verdot's still out of contact," he told her. Leaving Tseng in charge, a position he'd been groomed for a long time, but still didn't feel he deserved. "Stay in location. Maintain surveillance. Call me immediately if there is any change in Sephiroth. We can't do anything until we get more information." Zack there as well, stuck in a holding pattern of a mission heading to an unknown conclusion.
"Understood," Cissnei replied, and hung up.
He massaged his forehead, wishing he could reach the Commander. Did Verdot know the secrets the Shinra manor hid?
Another thought, squirming behind. Had Verdot been a part of it?
There hadn't been any time to send notice – not even a card. He'd been so worried about seeing Tifa, he realized, that he'd nearly forgotten to take his mother into consideration.
He felt ashamed of himself – all this time and he hadn't written his mother once. He'd been so preoccupied with making it, with wanting to come back as something she could be proud of, but so much time had passed, and now –
It was kinda embarrassing. He certainly didn't want to admit it to Zack. But, truth was… he just plain missed his mom. It made him feel really uncomfortable about stopping in, but at least his buddy had his back.
"Are you sure this is okay, Spike?" Zack asked.
"Don't worry," Cloud assured him. "She'll be happy to meet you."
The door was suddenly opened by an older, smaller, female version of Cloud. She gasped, and her eyes brightened, blue sparkles a mirror of her son's. "Cloud?" she exclaimed. "I didn't know you were with the Shinra expedition! I mean, I had hoped, but…" Her voice cut off and she swallowed, tears welling in her eyes.
"Mom." Cloud's voice was full and tender as he tightly embraced his mother, the warmth between the two radiating outward, a circle so rich it even encompassed Zack. Suddenly, he was heartsick – for his own mother, father. Aerith. All his loves.
"Come on in! Your friend too. Hope you're hungry! I have plenty of stew ready." She looked Zack up and down, appraising. "It's going to take a lot to fill YOU up."
"I told you the first thing she would try to do is feed you," Cloud apologized.
"Like every mom everywhere!" Zack joked over the pain inside. Here on Cloud's mother's doorstep, he was realizing how long it had truly been.
He'd told himself his sacrifices to make it up the ranks had been worth it… but more and more, he had his doubts. He didn't just miss his own family; he wanted his own. With Aerith. He hoped... soon enough, they'd be married, and then after that… he imagined how Aerith might look a baby in her arms…
He knew Cloud admired him – the sheepish, flattering email Cloud had sent had only confirmed what Zack already knew – but he thought, perhaps he should tell the younger man that he admired him just as much. For his innocence, his freedom, his easy smile.
His chance to come home again.
Zack hadn't been given that option.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Strife. I'm Zack," he introduced himself.
"Strauss, actually. Ms." Zack felt a bit embarrassed, suddenly remembering Cloud saying he'd never known his father. "Why don't you just call me Claudia." She stepped back, looking Cloud up and down. "So, Cloud… is this the uniform of a SOLDIER?"
Cloud hung his head. "Mom… I didn't want to tell you. I didn't make it. I'm just in the regular army. Zack, here, is a SOLDIER. First Class."
"Cloud." She brushed her son's hair back tenderly, a spikier version of her own yellow color. "You're too hard on yourself. Whatever you do is fine." She stepped back. "My, how you've grown!"
Zack burst out laughing. "You mean he used to be SHORTER?"
"Shut up, Zack," Cloud cautioned, blushing slightly.
"Don't let him fool you, Claudia," Zack interjected. "Cloud's up and coming. He'll be SOLDIER yet." How was it Cloud couldn't see? His mom would be proud of him no matter what; what else would one expect from a mom? It was TIFA that he wanted so desperately to impress.
That inn room was sounding better and better.
Speaking of… "- heard Tifa was your guide up to the reactor. You know she's doing that now? She's been learning to fight – with her fists! She's really come a long way. You should see her. Her teacher's here in town. Maybe you'll get to meet him…" Claudia chattered gaily on, oblivious to the pained look on her son's face.
"Uh… Mom… our paths didn't entirely cross," Cloud demurred. Not the exact truth, but close enough. Just go for it, buddy, Zack silently urged. Where would he be if he hadn't had the courage to go after Aerith? Love was a risk if it was worth anything. Cloud had so much determination to make it into SOLDIER, but he was just lost when it came to matters of the heart.
Pleasant memories drifted back, consoling him. The bliss of looking into her face at the same time that he felt himself inside of her. Spooning her gently among the flowers afterward. Outside Nibelheim, the world full of green as you never saw in Midgar, he staring at the sky, painfully wishing she was there with him to see it.
Goddess, he missed her.
The rugged, mountain food was different from the spiced, lighter fare that Zack was used to from Gongaga, but it was delicious and filling and satisfying in a way more than flavor ever could. Zack couldn't resist teasing his friend. "And here you were telling me your mother's stew was TERRIBLE!"
Cloud was too shocked to even respond.
"Relax, buddy, I'm just joking!" He mock-punched Cloud. "Claudia, it's every bit as good as he promised."
She beamed. "It's the least I can do," she said. "I'm so glad to meet you, Zack. I'm really glad that Cloud is making friends in Shinra."
"Not a lot of friends," Cloud's eyes dropped to his dinner.
"Don't sell yourself short, huh?" Zack replied. "One good friend is more than enough."
Cloud mumbled an embarrassed thanks, blushing even redder.
Claudia unwittingly brought up Tifa again and again, saying how she hadn't even had a chance to ask her neighbor about the trip up the mountain; Cloud's head shot up in alarm at every mention. Zack's mind was made up. The only question was how…
He was still mulling over the possibilities when he excused himself an hour later, wanting Cloud to get some alone time with his mom. Instead of going back to the inn, he spent his time taking a long walk around the village, through the outskirts, thinking, thinking.
Zack had the perfect excuse to go talk to Tifa tomorrow morning. He imagined how he would do it. Should he sneak it into conversation? So Cloud and I were just talking at the inn last night… and see if she took the bait. I mean, what girl WOULDN'T love Spike? He was such a catch – sweet, smart, genuine.
If she didn't see that in him… she didn't deserve him.
Maybe he should just be direct. You know Cloud's here with me and he's way too embarrassed to come talk to you? Yeah. That might work better.
Who knows how much time they might have, anyway?
The phone rang in his pocket, and he gasped with surprised pleasure looking at the number.
"Aerith?" he greeted her. The only word from her had been from Kunsel, checking on her as he promised, an email telling him the flower wagon had broken and Aerith was waiting for him to come back and fix it. Zack hoped he could do that very soon.
Aerith smiled through the phone. Days without his voice, dialing his number again and again, getting the message the caller was out of range. She'd been prepared to hear the recording yet another time, but instead, this sweet surprise instead.
"I can't believe you got through," Zack sighed, wishing he could stand here all day, just listening to her speak, instead of going once again to see if anything with Sephiroth had changed. So many things he wished he could say. "I… can't really talk right now."
"Oh." Aerith twirled a lock of hair, absent-minded. Should she tell him… now? It STILL wasn't the best time. But she couldn't postpone it much longer. She touched her stomach instinctively. Still flat as it had been, but the tenderness inside told her something was surely happening. "Work again?" she asked, resigned.
"Yeah." His voice was apologetic. "The mission… it's kinda… stuck."
She really should have told him already; then she wouldn't be fruitlessly sitting around, dialing a number that wouldn't connect, waiting for word of when he would be back. Somehow, she knew, he'd find a way to drop everything, come running back. Was that what she wanted him to do?
Zack could hear the disappointment in her silence. "I'll try to call you." Would he be able to get through again? Damn this mountain reception. "No. Better. We'll be done soon enough here. I'll come see you."
"I'd like that," she said softly.
He took as deep breath. This was the last time he was doing a mission like this. He was First Class, right? Next time, he was taking Kunsel's advice and turning the mission down. Just had to get this one last one over with. "Aerith. That's a promise."
The call closed with a gentle click, and Zack was left standing, wanting to throw the phone against a wall. Her sweet goodbye was all he had left to keep him until then. His head drifted upwards, thinking how she and he were sky and flowers, her liquid love like water.
Aerith, wait for me just a little longer….
If he had his way, he would never leave her again.
Aerith held the line, now dead. It wasn't much, but it would do for now, the echoes of the promise giving her a viewpoint into the future.
She knew he'd never break his word.
AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY…
Author's note: There's a beautiful piece of fanart that was part of the inspiration for the chapter, but it's so difficult to reference links. The deviantart ID is 496090713 and it's called "If I had taken off that mask", by Nightyswolf. Hope you can find it!