Amelia POV

I knock on the door to Arizona's apartment and wait for her to answer. I can hear movement inside so I know she is coming to open it.

"Amelia, are you okay? You didn't answer any of my calls." She says, opening the for a little wider inviting me in. I don't reply but I look at her and feel the tears swelling in my eyes. She must have noticed as she wraps her arms around me, leading me to the couch. "Come on, let's go sit down."

She grabs the blanket from the chair before we sit down and she pulls it over us. I lean into her embrace and the tears begin to fall. I don't try to fight it, I just let it out. It's hard to believe that just 6 months ago I would have been dealing with these feelings alone. But that's not me anymore, I know I am safe here. In Arizona's arms I am safe. I can let myself fall apart because she has proven she will be there to help build myself back up.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls. I didn't mean to worry you." I tell her when my thoughts begin to align.

"It doesn't matter. As long as you're safe." She whispers, pulling my body closer to her own and placing a kiss on the top of my head.

"I am safe, I promise. You make me feel safe. " I take her hand in my own, tracing all the lines and moving her fingers into different shapes. I haven't needed to use her hand for comfort in a long time but I know she doesn't mind.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks, leaving it open for me to decide how much I want to discuss. It is something she has picked up on, wording her questions in a way that gives me full control.

"I erm." I try to begin but I stutter. "I had a panic attack at the hospital, it was a bad one. It was around the time you started calling me. I managed to find a corner in a supply closet and I must have totally freaked out because the next thing I know Mer is there with me. She said the nurse paged her when I didn't come out for over an hour. I didn't realise it had been that long, my thoughts were going that fast that I must have zoned out. Meredith helped me calm down and took me home. I had dinner with her and the kids, I tried to act normal but she knew I was hurting. She convinced me to come here. I'm sorry I didn't call first."

"Amy, it's fine. In just glad you're here now. Do you want to tell me what caused the panic attack?" I shake my head, I do not want to enter this conversation today.

"I'm sorry, I'm not ready. I spoke to Meredith about it though and she helped."

"That's good. Meredith is a good person, I'm glad she could help you."

The sun begins to set and we decide we should go to bed. I'm exhausted but I don't think sleep is going to happen any time soon. We get changed and climb into bed, she holds me close and I curl up into a ball.

"Az I'm scared." I tell her, hoping she will have some wisdom that will help me calm down.

"What are you scared of?" She replies simply, no judgement to be found.

"Myself." I state as she brushes my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ears. "I was helping Maggie prepare dinner and was chopping some peppers but I lost track of my thoughts. The next thing I know I'm picturing the sharp knife making deep cuts on my legs. I freaked out and dropped the knife."

"Did you use the knife? You have fresh dressings on so I have to ask." I completely forgot that I even had them on, looking down at the reminder before I shake my head indicating no.

"I left and went to go in the shower. I used my usual blade. But I could have used the knife, if nobody else was around. I could have, I wanted to"

"Okay, do any of them need checking?" She asks me, this is one of her usual checks. She is really asking if any of them may need stitches.

"No. They're not that bad. I just, what if that happens in surgery? What if I freak out and drop a scalpel into someone's brain?"

"When you're in surgery, if you're not actually cutting into the brain where do you hold the instruments?"

"At least 10cm away from the patient."

"That's right. And I've seen you in surgery, I've never once seen your mind wander. You compartmentalise, like better than anybody else I have seen."

"Yeah. I guess. It just scares me, it's not just vegetables, it's another human life."

"How about this, if you ever feel your mind begin to wander in surgery, you step back and page me. If I can't get there you can get me on the phone. We will work it out together."

"Okay."

"Amelia, I'm not going to lie to you, I am a little concerned that you may cut too deep if you change blades. Could you just, next time you think you might, tell me. Just contact me. I won't make you answer questions if you don't want to but I don't want you being alone. I want you to be safe. I need you to be safe." Her voice is shaky, but she doesn't cry. She just holds me tighter against her. I don't like that I worried her but I'm glad I came. I feel better in her arms.

"Okay. I'll try."

I stare at the wall for hours. Arizona had fallen asleep a while ago, her breathing is slow and even against my back. Sleep doesn't seem like it is going to happen, I am emotionally exhausted but not ready to sleep. I slither my way out of my girlfriends embrace, making my way to the kitchen. I boil the kettle and make myself a cup of tea, we bought it specifically for nights like this, it's supposed to help induce sleep. I take my time drinking it, I love the nighttime, everything is quiet. It's so peaceful. I miss LA sometimes, the noise of the waves were so calming but there were too many memories. Seattle feels like home, Arizona makes it feel like home.

I make my way back to the bedroom and see Arizona is stirring. I try to get back into bed carefully so I don't wake her but her breathing speeds up and she opens her eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." I tell her as I pull the blankets up over my body.

"It wasn't you, it was just a bad dream. Don't worry about it, I'm fine." She explains, reaching out to pull me closer.

"I didn't know you still had the bad dreams. Do you want to talk about it?" I ask her. She is always taking care of me and it only feels right to offer the same form of care.

"I don't often. They're not that bad." She tells me and I take that as she doesn't want to talk about it.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."

"I know. It really wasn't that bad, I promise. Just plane crash memories."

"Y'know, those things kindof contradict each other. Plane crash and not that bad." She lets out a small laugh, wrapping her arms around my stomach.

"What I meant was that it wasn't that bad compared to the nightmares I used to have. I'll tell you about it sometime if you want but not right now. Talking about it tends to make the dreams worse. Why are you awake anyway?"

"I haven't gone to sleep. I got up a while ago to make tea, my brain wouldn't turn off."

"Amelia, its 3am, you need rest."

"I know. I'm not working tomorrow morning anyway. I came back to bed to go to sleep." I explain. I didn't realise how long I'd been awake, and I do need to go to sleep. "Look at us, we're a mess." I nod and laugh, its true, we are.

"Sleep now, we will talk tomorrow."