Chapter 43. December 31 (PM),εуλ0007
He'd spoken in the quietest of whispers, but Tifa, the nearest to him, suddenly jerked awake - as if she had been waiting for him.
Maybe that wasn't an accident; maybe Tifa had been placed there to keep an eye on him. He could hardly blame the others for being worried, all things considered. Besides, he found he didn't entirely mind. He'd awakened to her face the first thing he saw in the Shinra cells, in Gongaga; and it had been a relief each time.
She was by his side in an instant; her eyes were just as worried as those other times, too. "Cloud, what is it?" she asked very softly, as if not to disturb the city's dignified silence.
He gravely rose to sitting, facing her, grabbing her forearm as she leaned over him. "Aerith is here… and so is Sephiroth."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"It's true. I feel it in my soul," he added by way of explanation; but he needn't have bothered. Tifa understood all too well that there was something unexplained happening between him and Sephiroth – that much had become obvious at the temple. Cruelly visible for all to see. But even with that risk, it was her concern for Cloud that overrode all else, made her ready to follow wherever he would lead. The hate she'd borne for Sephiroth for the destruction of Nibelheim had been rekindled anew for whatever had been done to Cloud to make him this way. However it had happened, she was laying the blame at Sephiroth's feet, and she couldn't be convinced otherwise.
Revenge could wait, though. Cloud came first. She wanted, needed, to believe in him, and for that as much as any other reason she'd been keeping watch over him all this time –
But if she had the chance, she'd punch out Sephiroth herself.
"I'm going after her," Cloud stated firmly. Around them, the rest of the party was starting to wake up and sort themselves out. Cloud rose to his feet and reached for the sword leaning against the wall, but Tifa's grip tightened on him.
"You're not going alone," she told him.
"I don't know what will happen if you go with me." He placed the gentlest emphasis on you, wanting to let her know that as much as he worried for all of them, it was her most of all. Was that fair? Could he even help feeling that way?
"We don't know what will happen if I DON'T," she told him; and he knew she was right. The promise worked both ways. He was torn, worried he could hurt Tifa, worried without her he might hurt Aerith – but he needed her. More, he didn't want to leave her behind. "Please, Cloud, don't go through this alone."
Something passed between them, a precious moment of affinity. Silent acknowledgement of truth – and with a nod, he gave in. Leaning back, he waited anxiously while she finished assembling the party; the amassed group finally standing in a disorganized huddle around her, waiting for his leadership. Doubt still plagued him; but Tifa's support beside him, unstated and unwavering, gave him the courage to move on.
"Let's go, he told them, and as he turned to exit the building, he was counting on the others to follow – but he knew for certain Tifa would be by his side.
She felt.
It began like sinking into warm water, as if the lake below was reaching up to meet her; the same soothing touch she'd come to expect from the Lifestream, that she'd felt the times she brushed it before. She'd just never really allowed herself to savor it, truly appreciate it – but how could she have failed to notice the sweetness that enveloped her? Here, the power was so much stronger that it made itself known.
It shimmered like mist around and through her soul. She breathed it in, it breathed her out. Calm. Serenity. A moment she hadn't experienced in as long as she could remember, as she gave in and allowed herself to float along the tide. Her core fragments drawing together, coalescing, even as the rest of her seemed splintered away – the enormity making itself present for the first time.
Small ripples first, then larger waves carrying her up, bringing her back down; taking her to a euphoria more intense with every cycle.
The Lifestream. At last. She hadn't known how much she had been waiting for this; she'd never known it could be like this. In the part of her that still clung to her own ego, she asked, why was I ever so afraid? Of losing myself? She felt no sense of loss… instead she reached for it, welcomed it, all the voices she'd ever known sweetly chiming their welcome as if they had all been waiting just for this moment.
Aerith's consciousness let go, running towards those memories…
They crept out into the nighttime blackness of the city, the faded light making a hushed tableau out of the houses and rocks. The decayed remains of the city glowed stellar as they traversed the ghostly darkness.
Tifa looked up for the moon that she knew would be approaching fullness, giving the light to guide them. But far above, it was obscured by hazy clouds; thick enough to blot out all the stars. She found herself strangely wishing she could see them; somehow, it just didn't feel right without them shining above.
Cloud led the party back to where the path forked off at the entrance of the city. Through the blanketed silence, he could hear Aerith's voice, sweet and clear as if she was almost in front of them.
"It's coming from there," he announced to the empty air before him.
He led them retracing the path, the light even inside the tree dulled though he could not figure out how. His awareness, heightened by the night, noticed details he hadn't taken into account before – the albino trunks and branches of the trees arching over the path, spindly with the white of bone; disappearing into invisible fog of gloom, inside the larger tree big enough to conceal a city itself. The pool before him exuded a warmth; he was certain if he reached a hand into the water, it would be bath-perfect warm.
Waters running deep, beckoning him forward in their loneliness.
And he wasn't the only one who felt it – there was no conversation, everyone equally hushed in fear and awe. No one objected as he led them back inside the strange small house, following Cloud's insistence that this was the way to go. Expecting to find a dead end once again, to their surprise, right there in the center pit there had appeared an ice-blue staircase, clear like glass, leading underground… beneath the lake.
Barret peered down, but from where they stood, there was no end; still, near the bottom, a muted light assured them they weren't going in totally blind. "Well, no wonder we couldn't find Aerith."
Cloud didn't reply at first. "That's it," he mumbled, half to himself. "That's what was wrong earlier."
"What do you mean?" asked Tifa.
"The fish." Cloud pointed to where it had been hovering. "It was the only thing we've seen alive since we entered. It wasn't real – must've been just an illusion." He stepped to the platform of the top step. "Feels sturdy. Guess that's where we are going," and one by one, they made the descent into the unknown.
Cloud was certain now. He was being pulled to Aerith; he was being pulled to Sephiroth. Sure he could actually FEEL the man's eyes on him, knowing that Cloud was heading arrow-straight towards him.
It made him afraid –
Aerith was down at the bottom. And Sephiroth was down there with her.
Two strands drawing him in, pulling him in different directions since Midgar, but now intertwined once again. But even under that, something else, stronger still – a river, no not a river, that was too small to describe the rushing torrents lapping at the edge of his ragged soul, threatening to sweep him up in their wake.
Unsettling, profoundly so.
The stairs were unnervingly suspended over nothingness; and through no one particularly wanted to look down, they were reassured as the light at the bottom grew wider and brighter as they approached. Their destination was near; destiny, at hand.
She knew.
All the knowledge of the Ancients, and now it was hers as well. Her inheritance. Even in her bodiless form, she laughed in pleasure.
Not destiny, but possibilities – and she saw, the ones she'd missed, finally the only chance she'd have to experience them.
She saw. She and Zack, together somewhere far away from Shinra, from Midgar. Raising Marlene, she finally free there with her small family, all she'd ever wanted and all that had been denied to her by virtue of a heritage she could not erase. A chance to give Marlene the life she herself had never known.
But even trailed by the pain of a life left unlived, she still recalled the one she had gained and endured, and the people that came along with it. She might never have met Cloud, Tifa, Barret – further back, she might never have had the chance to have Elmyra as her mother. Even further… would Ifalna and Gast have perhaps been the only parents she ever knew? All those other threads of life lost even as she grew up with them?
Even as that other life, her Promised Land, glistened with temptation, she made her peace with the life she HAD lived, with all its trials and sorrows.
The Promised Land was where you found it.
One wide sweep of a staircase circle, and their goal rapidly came into focus. Crystallized pillars appeared, first below, then towering over them as they went further downward. Clear themselves, they acted as prisms for the light they caught, fracturing it into sharpened rays and diffuse pattern, as if the light came down through water.
The pillars might have seemed natural, very well might be, in spite or because of the precision of their angles; but at their bases, they surrounded a structure more obviously human, more specifically Cetra-made. The pointed roofs of castle turrets peeked out from the surface of yet another pool below, suggesting most of the castle still lay underneath, submerged; taking the final few stair steps, they emerged onto one of the balconies.
Diffuse rays of light shone softly on the water; even though Cloud could clearly see the waster's surface, he felt like he was looking out from the bottom of the ocean.
The balcony overlooked an altar, encased in glass like a crystal bowl, centered over the pool below, and in the center of that, basking in the widest ray of light – as if the light herself was paying rapt attention –
Aerith.
Cloud ran down the short flight of stairs to the water's edge, stopping just short of several stone pillars that made up the final path to the altar. The party gathered back, and he made the short hop to the first column. He gazed upwards, close enough to see her enraptured face.
"AERITH!" he called to her.
She understood.
The Promised Land. A journey long and harsh; a land of supreme joy and happiness. It was both; there was no conflict, no confusion. Life, survival every day – that was the journey.
The Promised Land was the reward for simply living.
Death… that was the easy way out. An escape, but at such a cost – yet at the same time, not as much as one might think. The boundary between life and death, a liminal space to cross through, and be reborn on the other side, part of the Lifestream once again.
The Promised Land was balance… and it was beautiful.
It beckoned.
She was too deep inside to respond, but she could feel Cloud approach – just like he'd promised. Just as she'd expected.
And she dared to hope that meant a future promise to her as well. To take on the role she'd planned for him – become the hero she'd wanted to help him to be. A changing of the guard, so to speak.
The path will be harder, Cloud, because you care so much. But the more you love and are loved in return… the more you discover your strength. You're only starting to understand what it really means to be a hero.
I know you have it in you, Cloud. Become the hero I know you have inside.
The rest of the party brought up Cloud's rear, crowding at the edge; Vincent and Barret were the first to move forward, ready to follow him. He turned, hastily motioning them back with a wave of his hand.
This was HIS obligation to keep to Aerith.
The only one who stayed back with Tifa; there was caring and concern in her eyes, but he also saw deep-seated worry, contrasting Aerith's beatific smile.
Tifa… and Aerith. He stood there, between the two drivers of his life, obligation and promises and the things that kept him moving.
Aerith, the one to set his path and move him forward.
Tifa, the one to remind him who he was and bring him back to himself. Back home.
He cared for both the same, only different. What would he two without either of them? They both made him, if not a hero, at least a better man.
Aerith set the party's path; that was where they were going and what they were doing. But Tifa set his, and ke knew for certain that the direction his life was going, was her.
The worry was there for just a flash, and then it dropped; Cloud wondered he might have imagined it. He gave her a tiny smile; she sent back a look of absolute trust. And together, that somehow made the two of them. Was that was what made up love?
Aerith saw what passed between Cloud and Tifa, content to be an outside observer. She'd let go of regrets and jealousy; and seeing them together, she was glad.
And then he turned back to her…
Aerith was smiling down on him. Them. So calm while embracing her destiny. If she could, so could he; accept his past, make some peace with his choices. Maybe he was heading towards the right destiny after all.
Like an ethereal, untouchable goddess… yet at the same time, so close…
SO CLOSE. Sephiroth's voice echoed, droning and hypnotic. It called to him…
…she saw the same ugly expression he'd had at the Temple appear…
Cloud felt something screaming at him, but dull, on the other side of a thick barrier that couldn't burn through the headache forming. He twitched, wondered if a seizure was imminent, part of him willing it on himself just to make the pain go away.
A war inside, the stakes nothing less than possession of his own soul, as Sephiroth steadily pushed against his defenses. Trying to find one of the many weak points Cloud certainly knew were there.
He clomped heavily the last few steps up to the dais, feeling distant and removed from his body, a passive observer. He noted, detached, his hands around his sword's hilt, his arms raising…
"STOP!" cried several voices at once. Barret, Yuffie, Vincent, screaming at him…
Stop! he heard the echo inside his head.
He heard the voices of his friends calling out to him, but their words had no meaning as his grip tightened on the handle, his body instinctively balancing and bracing.
Even as Aerith saw Cloud raising his sword, she helpless and rooted to the spot, she wasn't afraid. CLOUD, she thought with fondness.
And then Tifa's voice, louder than any of the others, "CLOUD!"
TIFA, he thought her name back.
…and as her voice cracked the spell, he rushed back into his body, FEELING himself, sword raised above his head, so horribly, terribly close…
Lowering the blade, he stepped back from Aerith, shaking his head clear.
Aerith lifted her head, caught his eyes, acknowledged she'd known all along he'd been there.
Those luminescent leaf-green eyes, full of the plenty of love and life, all those things he needed and desired for himself. He lost himself in depths of emotion, swearing he could feel the power radiating from her, seeing through her eyes for a moment that stretched to infinity and beyond.
For the briefest of moments, a spark flickered, so fast he thought he might have missed it, if it had not been for what he had seen. A glimpse of… everything, and even that tiny peep, overwhelming in significance. That was the place Aerith was in now; his mind recoiled in awe.
He was so close to understanding. Just reach a little more, Cloud, you're almost there…
Before him like a goddess, bathed in the ray of light, watery green reflections dancing towards him. He embraced the moment…
- a whish, a whoosh –
and time stood still.
A moment frozen, forever.
A metal sliver of pain ran through Aerith to the stone below, her eyes going wide before her lids fell in tandem with her body. As she fell forward, her ribbon unraveled, the glowing globe within tinkling musical notes against the rocks as it fell into the castle's underwater depths – a mournful bell of her death tolling.
Sephiroth yanked back his blade, and she slid off to the altar. Cloud rushed to catch her, a shadow's width away from touching the ground.
Angels shouldn't fall…
There's no blood, he thought as if that somehow made a difference; the cut too sharp, too quick. So fast her life was ended.
The second time this blade had taken someone he loved… only this time, it was forever.
He panicked out her name in a voice she could no longer hear. Pain flooded through him, seeping in the fissures of his soul. From emptiness inside, suddenly there was too much feeling, overwhelming in as it barreled over him, leaving him nearly ready to explode.
The sword pressed on his back, the burden heavier than ever. As if it wanted to say a goodbye as well.
Sephiroth loomed over him, maniacally cackling out his plans as if they mattered. Sephiroth, a woebegone shade thought to be dead – here and whole, Cloud's worst nightmare returned. A man Cloud hated to admit he had once admired.
"SHUT UP," Cloud slung the words at him with more strength than any bladestroke. He wanted to find the satisfaction of hate, but it wouldn't come – only regret. Aerith, never to laugh or cry again…
"Do you think you have feelings?" Sephiroth taunted back. "You, who are nothing but a puppet…"
I'm… a puppet? Familiar doubts echoed, afraid Sephiroth told truth.
And suddenly Tifa was there; Tifa by his side, as if to remind him that she and he had survived. Dimly he heard sounds of a battle, the rest of the party engaged. As he looked up from Aerith, he realized Sephiroth had gone to whatever hell he'd come from; how long had the others been fighting, he wondered, as cheers of victory suddenly arose, letting him know they'd done just fine without his help.
He looked down to the woman in his arms. He hadn't even realized he'd carried her to the rail, arranging her carefully as if comfort mattered any longer.
Tifa knelt down carefully, softly brushing Aerith's face. Just like Jessie on the pillar, thought Cloud; and it broke his heart doubly to see Tifa feeling that pain again.
Her eyes filled with tears threatening to fall; overwhelmed, Tifa covered her face and ran from the platform. Cloud wanted to run after her, but for now… he stayed with Aerith, patiently waiting.
His feelings had simmered down to something… if not manageable, at least not overtaking him. He watched, treading water in his sea of sadness, as his friends came one by one to pay their respects to the girl they had all loved – leaving him with a look, or a pat of reassurance, or in Yuffie's case throwing her arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder. Finally, Vincent departed, the last of them – and the group retreated to a respectful distance, leaving the rest to Cloud.
He lifted her into his arms, marveling how light she was, as if her soul had already flown. The light gone from forever-closed eyes. He hopped back across the pillars with the greatest of care; her body as light as a feather, as heavy as the world. Everyone awaited him, hushed, on the other side.
He looked around for the blame he thought should be written over all of their faces; but as he alighted on each in turn, he saw universal mirrors of his own pain. His eyes landed last on Tifa; the one who made him feel, that proved he wasn't the puppet Sephiroth said he was. He saw the softness that always seemed to be there for him, caring and concern and trust – and – and – wrapped around it all, something he was only beginning to understand.
Tifa, worth all the more to him now that he realized how quickly things could be taken away.
As if Nibelheim hadn't taught him that lesson once already.
The waiting party split in two at his approach, allowing him and his burden to pass, before closing ranks behind him to follow him up and out. They made the journey back up imperceptibly slowly; with every step, guilt pricked him with wondering if he couldn't have done anything better, any way to avoid this ending. Or… should he simply not have come at all? Would Sephiroth have followed her while she was all alone? Not that it made much difference that he DID come – for all the good he did.
She had come here on her own, not knowing she'd never be making the climb back up. Now… it was up to him to take her back, to carry her home. After all, this WAS the City of the Ancients… it was her home in a way, wasn't it, even if she'd lived in Midgar? Had Midgar actually been a home to her?
Aerith, were you just trying to come back home somehow? No, that's not it, it couldn't be… you couldn't have known it would end this way… or could you?
She might have come here alone, but he would make sure she didn't leave that way. Even if it was only her memory they took with them, irrevocably separated from her empty body. On the long trip back to the surface, much slower than the descent without the same urgency, he had plenty of time to consider how best to lay her to rest. And by the time the solemn procession emerged back into the little shell house, he knew.
They exited into the open air once again, the chill hitting them full in their faces. Aerith's body was cooling fast, the warmth disappearing through the thin fabric of her dress; skin icier than the wind that had begun, a mournful whistling through the preserved structures of the city. He could almost hear whispers in the air, and he wondered if it was the sorrow of her Cetra ancestors, or the Planet itself crying out for the loss.
The blame was on the wind as well; useless, failure, can't protect anyone. And pulling her just a little closer, her loosened hair near-sweeping the ground, he wondered if he dare desire love. You don't deserve it. If any part of him was meant for it, or if Sephiroth was right after all – if he was just a puppet who only thought he could feel.
Maybe that's why he'd felt so hollow all along.
Tifa couldn't take her eyes off his back as she followed right behind him. Sephiroth had called him a puppet, a fake – and it frightened her more than she cared to admit to. Could he really be… ? Was she blindly trusting? She couldn't bring herself to think that. The same questions she'd had about him from the start, but even now, she was scared to tell him the truth. And if Sephiroth was right… was it HER fault for bringing Cloud here? Did she share the blame for Aerith's death?
The moment in Nibelheim was real.
So was the broken heart he was showing now.
Aerith's death made him FEEL, but at what a cost…
Should she have confessed – both her feelings and her doubts – in the Gold Saucer? How deeply he cares for things, so much it hurts him; she watched the tenderness with which he treated her body, and she didn't want to waste any more time. She didn't want to be afraid of what SHE felt, either.
Despite her fears, a core of him still was fighting back. She'd seen it – it wasn't just Sephiroth driving him. There was a part of him that couldn't be conquered, the true self inside, and she wanted so badly to let go of all of her worries and see him for who he really was.
Before her, Cloud stopped at the shore of the lake. He followed the curve of its shoreline, trying to feel for a spot that was just right. But really, he thought to himself, was he just postponing the inevitable?
He felt strangely like this was the right place, thinking of the warmth he'd felt on the way in. A familiarity that made him think of home – for Aerith, it would be. Was it the Lifestream he'd felt here? Appropriate, since that was where she'd be going. Where she already was.
He looked back at the rest to see all eyes anxiously awaiting him; he knew it was time. Resolute, he faced forward and began to wade into the water.
His pants soon were soaked; water filled his boots. He hardly noticed, wading in to his waist. He shuffled forward until he felt what he'd been certain would be there, a place where the bottom dropped off into nothingness.
This is the place where you can return to the Planet, Aerith. I feel it. It's ready to take you back.
I sure hope you're ready. I'm not, but what choice do I have?
Behind him, he heard the others quietly splashing into the water but stopping a bit further back, not coming further. Ripples in the surface mixing, traveling to him, finally fading outward from where Cloud, wrapped in stillness, supported Aerith, prone, at the water's surface. They wanted to give him his private, final moment with Aerith.
They were right. He needed this.
Tifa watched Cloud having his lone moment with Aerith, wishing she could run to him. The hardest part about caring is knowing when to let someone be. As much as she wanted to be near him, comfort him, there was an invisible boundary she didn't want to cross; a bond between he and Aerith that was only between them, that she was no part of.
Yet she felt… happy… for that. Because didn't she herself care deeply for Aerith too? And happiness for she and Cloud cost Aerith pain, she knew, and there was nothing that could be done aboutit. Zack, she thought – he had been Aerith's love, and she'd lost him. How much pain had Aerith covered up?
And now… she watched the woman who had changed both of their lives with the man they both cared for. She thought he was more a hero now than she had ever seen him before, the way he gently treated Aerith, just doing the simple task of laying her to rest.
Oh, Aerith, her heart burned. I would give him up, let you have him in a moment if it meant you would be with us here again.
Yuffie had been quiet, but now just sobbed into Tifa's shirt. The three men stood together; Nanaki howled on the bank.
She saved my little girl, Barret thought. I tried to thank her – but it's a debt I can never repay. How he wished he'd gotten to know her better; let Marlene get to know her too. Marlene would have been so happy… and Cloud. Why had he acted that way? Barret had pushed him to go; now he knew Cloud was right to be scared.
Vincent stood firm, hand on heart and head bowed, all the respect he could offer to Aerith's memory. An inspiration of aliveness to his own cold, hardened self. So short a time he'd been back to life as it were; he sincerely regretted her death so soon after. Though he hadn't stopped her – he'd admired her courage, not knowing if it would end this way but doing what she had to do anyway. Cloud was perhaps the one who shouldn't have gone; Vincent couldn't deny, he'd worried something like this might happen, but was left with no choice but to let it play out. He'd once learned that lesson the hard way.
Cloud, before him, another man doing what needed to be done; recognizing the burden of sin Cloud would bear on his shoulders from this day forward. Scarred in a way nothing could erase. It was a feeling Vincent knew all too well, and he wondered if Cloud would handle it the same way he had, shutting himself off. For Tifa's sake, if not Cloud's own… he hoped the man could do better. He had no wisdom to offer there.
I can't do anything to love him more, Tifa sent the thought to the Lifestream. All I can do is allow him this moment. The only thing more loving than running to him… is to leave him be.
I'll never forget the ways you changed us. The things we learned from you.
You were always there. For me.
For Cloud.
Cloud had been staring at Aerith's face for untold moments, memorizing every detail, letting his mind roam free. He hadn't really known her that long; but somehow it felt like forever. Had he fallen in love with her, just the tiniest bit? Was that what she had warned him about? Expecting this, even then? If with Tifa he felt love, now with Aerith he felt a depth of pain he never thought possible. And taken together it reassured him he was alive for another day, another chance to pay back Sephiroth for what he did here.
He reached into his chest for his heart, still beating.
What were you planning to do here, Aerith? How would it stop Sephiroth? He still needed to go after the man – for Aerith's memory, for what she had tried to do here. Sephiroth had the Black Materia; his chances were weak, but he owed it to Aerith to try.
And in that moment he made a promise. Not the same he'd made to Tifa, but he knew it would carry him for life the same way. I will carry on your burden, Aerith – though he had no idea how. It's all I can do to thank you.
The water felt alive, illuminated with a pale light not unlike that which had radiated outward from her in that last moment. Could it be the Lifestream? The same as her green eyes glowed in that moment before the life was stolen from her; he wished he could will that moment back into being. That he could have another chance.
And with that, he slowly let go.. and she slipped away.
The water took her, covering her body, her face… .leaving her image refracted through the water's surface, ever more faint. He watched her disappear into the depths until the last moment, and beyond.
And in another depth, this one inside of himself, he found… awakening. The cracks in his shell that Tifa had broken, now pried wide open. Devoid his armor of numbness, he was experiencing the full spectrum of emotion for what it seemed the very first time – a tumble of feelings one after another, whereas the hollow man he'd been might have found only shock.
And he WANTED to face into that tumultuous core, needed so desperately to feel, even if it hurt – he wanted pain as sweet as love and everything in between.
With a heavy heart he turned, scanning his companions but inevitably landing his eyes on Tifa – always aware of where she was.
Their eyes met, a glance that crossed any distance, and even through the haze of loss, he knew she was there, gentle and warm and very much alive.
It was a subdued group that returned to the house they'd been resting in just a few hours earlier – but no one wanted to sleep. Instead, they milled around, intermittently turning attention to Cloud, and he knew.
He couldn't avoid the subject any longer – he had to confront what was on all their minds.
He was broken. Had been from the start.
The difference was, he knew it now.
Aerith slipping away, iron filings in his memory.
So few things he was sure of… so little left to cling to. Ex-SOLDIER. Born in Nibelheim.
Nibelheim… Tifa…
Tifa's eyes, all concern. Heartbreaking. "Cloud…" her only word.
Useless. No good to anyone. Even more than that – a danger. The part of him that had given the Black Materia to Sephiroth, that had hurt Aerith at the Temple - the part that would've… could've…
He couldn't even admit it to himself.
He hadn't held the sword, but his hands felt stained with her blood nonetheless.
He wanted to give up. Quit this journey. But promises held him to this path… Another place he was stuck. Unable to move either forward or back.
He took a deep breath and began.
"I thought I knew who I was and why I was here," he started. "I was here to settle things with Sephiroth. But there's something else going on. Priorities have changed. But even so… I need to see it through."
No one spoke or a moment. Finally, Barret asked, "But how are we going to beat Sephiroth? He has the Black Materia. Isn't our chance gone?"
"That's a good question," Cloud admitted. Aerith, what were you trying to do?
No one else spoke; he wished they would, maybe ask some questions he actually had answers to – so he could simply reply instead of struggling to explain.
"I came here by my own free will… or so I thought. There's a part of me I don't understand… and I'm afraid of myself." Terrified. "I can't give up, though. I have to do this for Aerith." I promised. "But I can't trust myself to do this alone. I need you, all of you." He heard the plea in his own voice, cringing. His weakness on display for all to see.
Another lengthy silence; Cloud dreaded what they were thinking about. Probably what a terrible mistake they had made choosing him as their leader.
Finally, Cid volunteered, taking a long drag on his cigarette first as if for emphasis. "Well, shit," he finally said. "Count me in."
The others hurried one over another as if a dam had burst, offering their agreement, assurances. They were all kinds of nervous, but they had reasons to have faith in him too. as Barret mumbled, should just smack you right now for good measure. Red and Vincent were brief as always, while Yuffie jabbered on. All except Tifa, who only smiled with pride.
The words were directed towards all, but Tifa knew he was addressing her in particular. Singling her out. Tifa was scared, she had to admit it. But she couldn't break away – couldn't abandon him. Not now, more than ever – as if there had ever been a question since the day he'd returned to her life. She'd come this far; she had to see it through. She wanted him to open up and be vulnerable to her; talk to me, she sent him silently, even realizing she wasn't doing much of that herself.
Cloud thought Tifa was stupid – no, too strong a word for her, perhaps just lacking in best judgment – staying with him. What if he hurt her too? Some way to keep a promise. Might be better kept by staying away. But yet, he was glad she wouldn't leave. He needed her, above and beyond the others, though he would never admit it to them, but he was assures they all knew too.
Please… he told those sienna eyes. How hard it was to be vulnerable. How could he still be her hero if she knew? Muddled passions flaring up every time he looked at her. I'm scared I might hurt you too.
But I need you.
Every night before dinner, Marlene watered the flowers.
It was her job. She'd promised the flower lady she would. She'd been such a good girl about it too. Daddy would be so proud to see she was keeping her promise!
She didn't even know what a "garden" really was until she went to the house where the flower lady and Ms. Elmyra lived. Before that, they only had one flower in a glass back at the bar – she sniffled a little, because that bar was gone. Tifa's bar. But the flower came with them here, and she'd put it back in the ground, and it was happy to be in this place where there were gardens everywhere.
She talked to it and all of its friends, told them her wishes. Please, bring everyone safely back home… Lots of people she knew from Sector Seven were here in Kalm now – thought she was sad Betty and her dad had stayed in Midgar, she made new friends too.
The flowers were also her friends. She never even picked them anymore unless they said it was okay. A lot of the time, they did. She worried they would just die once they were picked, but the flowers said it was okay, they would just go back to the Lifestream where all living things came from.
"Me, too?" Marlene asked.
"Even you," they told her. "Everything goes back to become spirit energy, and new things are born that way."
She was amazed.
She worried, though. Daddy and Tifa and Cloud and the flower lady were all out there somewhere far away. But like Daddy said, they had to go take care of the bad people. It was fine though. Elmyra was really nice and said they would stay in Kalm together until Daddy came back for her.
She heard Elmyra's voice calling her in to eat, and carefully putting the watering can back where it belonged, she ran inside. Elmyra had promised macaroni and cheese tonight, her favorite!
Elmyra seemed worried, though. She hadn't been very cheerful. Marlene knew it was because she hadn't heard anything about the flower lady. Elmyra must miss her like her Daddy missed Marlene; so Marlene tried her best to be a good girl and make Elmyra feel better. She helped around the house and didn't complain. She always took her bath and went to bed, and Elmyra would read her stories just like Wedge used to.
"What happened to Wedge?" she asked Elmyra once. She missed him and the others.
Elmyra pulled her into a hug. "I'm sure he's okay, sweetheart." But Marlene was still scared. How about Jessie and Biggs too? Or did they go back to the Lifestream?
If they did would she see them again sometime?
She went to sleep, but she started having bad dreams. Like she was alone, running away from something, and it must have been a really big monster because she was really scared. And she kept running and running, so fast she couldn't turn around and see it, but she knew it was getting closer and closer…
Marlene woke up screaming.
Elmyra came running into the room. Was Marlene remembering the plate falling? And here she'd been handling it so well. "What is it, sweetheart?" she gasped, pulling Marlene into her arms just as she started crying. But Marlene couldn't explain why.
Elmyra looked at the clock. "It's just after midnight. It's okay, it was just a bad dream," she said, rocking Marlene back and forth. The child was distraught, but as all children do, she gradually calmed, and eventually drifted back to sleep. Elmyra carefully set her down, rearranging her in her bed and tucking her in, and finally, reassured that Marlene was fast asleep, she stood and left the room with one last look at her sleeping angel.
This time, Marlene's dreams were better. The flower lady was there to see her, whispering to her, I'll come back when it's all over.
"Do you promise?" Marlene asked.
The flower lady looked sad. "I promise," she told her.
Marlene told her all the stuff about taking care of the flowers and talking to them. The flower lady said that's good, but Marlene just couldn't make her look happy. But she seemed to feel better when Marlene gave her a hug, pulling her close, telling her to be good…. And as the flower lady gently kissed her on her forehead and her arms slid away, Marlene's dream ended and she fell back into regular sleep.
When she woke up this time, the sun was shining; it had been up for a little bit before her, she guessed. Elmyra was making breakfast; she could hear her in the kitchen. It smelled like cinnamon Banora toast!
Downstairs, Elmyra cooked with half-attention, wondering if she should go ahead and wake Marlene up now, or just wait until she woke up on her own. She hoped the child slept well after that; she needed her sleep. Was it really just a dream? Elmyra didn't yet know how Aerith's Ancient heritage might manifest itself; Marlene was too young to tell.
A knock on the door startled her; she removed the pan from the fire, wiping her hands on her apron before going to greet her unexpected visitor.
A man in a suit, but not a Turk – blue, where they always wore black, however they chose to alter it. She knew them all anyway. She'd been waiting for another Turk, possibly Tseng to come in person, with some news of Aerith, but expect for Rude's unpleasant visit nothing had been forthcoming. Their "house arrest" hadn't really been a problem - maybe it was largely a bluff?
"Elmyra Gainsborough?" the man asked politely. She nodded. "I'm Reeve Tuesti. I'm a director with Shinra. May I come in?"
"Why is an executive coming to see me?" Elmyra asked him; but then Marlene's little steps announced her arrival on the stairs.
Elmyra turned, stunned, to see an expression painfully familiar. An uncharacteristic display of absolute seriousness… Marlene's face identical to that of Aerith, on the day her daughter told her that her husband would never be coming home again.
"I have something I need to tell you," Director Reeve began.
"Don't cry, Elmyra," Marlene said; but Elmyra already was.
"I think I already know," she said.
She felt the sword, and the next thing, the water. The Lifestream intermingled its flow, the Planet ready to carry her home. From a distance, she could see all her friends gathered to say goodbye, helpless to acknowledge them. Aerith was disembodied, voiceless, but Cloud anchored her in the real world for a precious few seconds.
Red and Cait on the bank. Cid, Vincent, and Barret standing together. Tifa holding Yuffie, and Cloud in the forefront; she couldn't see or feel her body, but she knew he held it there, poised to give her release.
He'd pay for today in guilt, and she was helpless to take that off his shoulders, lacking the power to cross into life. His heart was too deep for it to be otherwise.
But though he'd suffer, he'd learn, and grow stronger. She hoped the lessons he learned would be the right ones – the ones he needed for the destiny that awaited him.
She'd done all she could for him on the surface, helping Cloud grow like a flower. Learning how to care.
How to love.
She could find peace with that.
She had faith that with Tifa by his side, he could succeed.
Tifa, take care of him. For both of us. Since I no longer can.
Awareness of Cloud was thinning. It was time. The dark settled in, and her last touch on the world faded out.
But she wasn't afraid; she knew where she was going. And she'd learned on the altar, not to fear it, to welcome it.
The Promised Land.
Her resting place.
She could finally rest.
And with it came freedom – something she'd always dreaded, and rightly so. It came at a price – Cloud's guilt, the sorrow of those shed loved in life. The cost of life unlived, not just the possibilities she'd glimpsed on the altar, but futures that now never would be.
Yet it was… exhilarating as well. Not an end – just a change of form. A transition. Neither beginning nor ending. It just was.
She wondered what it would be like… she'd know soon enough.
Aerith heard before she saw.
Hellooo…
She knew that voice.
She gasped, and instead of opening her eyes gently to the white surroundings, letting herself getting accustomed to them , she snapped to awareness of her new world. And there he was, leaning over her in welcome. The first thing he saw, his beautiful face. Bright-eyed, self-assured, faked manly confidence over genuine sweetness – everything she remembered and loved about him rushing back as if there had been no interruption.
"Hi," Zack told her. "I was… kind of sure you were coming. The sword… sort of told me." He gestured to the Buster Sword, gracing his back as it had in life.
"Kind of like the flowers, then," Aerith said thoughtfully. Tilting her head to one side, she realized she was lying on a bed of them. "They help me cross boundaries. Make connections. Between people." Reunions.
"Exactly," Zack replied. "It's pretty vague, but it's there. Like I can still feel Cloud on the surface." He shrugged. "Maybe you can see more. Probably."
"Probably," she agreed.
"I've been thinking about it. I think it's because the sword is a symbol of honor and dreams. That maybe it got some of that power from the people who used it. Angeal before me." He smiled painfully. "You know he was the one who greeted me here? I think it's the one who will make you feel most welcome and comfortable."
"That must be why you're here for me." Aerith sat up, smiling shyly. She'd missed him so much…
"That's a good thing… right?" He looked longingly, all the pain of his time spent missing her, and Aerith felt her heart break further. "I could reach the ones most important to me… the ones I really lived for."
She… and Cloud. "Well, then, as long as Cloud has the sword, it'll keep an eye on him for us." Her mind was still whirring. Yellow flowers bringing her back to Zack, her Promised Land. Had she somehow manifested this? From the beginning, through every flower? If destiny was the sum total of all choices made along the way… the flowers marked and guided those choices.
"In… that… moment…" Zack said awkwardly, "the two of you… you both shined so bright. I felt that instant so strongly."
"It's the power of the city, too, helping," Aerith told him. "It's.. a place of great spiritual energy. And I was so deep into prayer, I couldn't have blocked it; I think even if I hadn't been praying, I still wouldn't have been able to keep anyone out." She paused. "Other times I could." Like when I needed to talk to Cloud alone. Like when I tried – not very well – to keep Sephiroth and Jenova out.
"That would explain some things, then," Zack mulled thoughtfully. "There were times you and Cloud disappeared to me. I was worried, but then you didn't show up here, so I figured everything was okay."
"One of those must have been at Nibelheim…" Aerith trailed off, remembering the sinister feeling there, fruitlessly trying to shield Cloud from its influence.
Zack looked shocked. "You went to Nibelheim? What would you want with that place?" The suspiciously rebuilt town… He'd never found an explanation for that, but it had Shinra's stamp all over it.
"It was on our way. And we learned a few things. Why?" she asked. "You mean… what Cloud told us happened there?"
Zack shuddered. "I never expected you to go there. That was where it all began," he started cryptically. "I was… on that mission. Shinra took us. For four long years, they held us. Me and Cloud."
It was Aerith's turn to look shocked. That was the mission to Nibelheim that Tifa had mentioned. He'd been there… with Cloud… Cloud had blocked Zack out somehow… it was all coming together… but wait… Shinra held them for four years?! "That's awful," she said, hearing her voice break.
"It could be worse," Zack hastily assured her. "I don't' remember anything they did. I really think they just threw us in a vat of mako and called it a day."
"Four years…" Aerith repeated. "So that's why you never got my letters. I thought…" She couldn't say it. That you'd abandoned me.
"Never," he assured her. "I only got the last… So much time lost," he said regretfully.
"Well," she told him flirtatiously, trying to lighten the mood, "I guess I got my wish in the end." Twenty-three tiny wishes… but really, it was always only one…
"I'd like to spend more time with you." He reached out a hand, his glove disappearing into air as he caressed her cheek. "I never forgot. I had that piece of paper un my pocket until… well…"
"It's okay," she reassured him. "I know it happened. For the longest time I didn't want to admit it, but I felt it too. The Planet told me."
"My biggest regret… I promised you I'd come back to you," he told her wistfully. "I got so close. I'll have plenty of time to explain to you how." Wishes do come true, just not always in the way you expect them. "It's what I wanted… but not like this. I wanted you to live."
He reached for her ribbon; the real thing had been lost in the Forgotten City, but she had manifested it once again without thinking. "You promised to wear this whenever you came to see me."
"I guess I did," she said softly. "We're both keeping promises, then."
He cocked his head, pleading puppy-dog expression so familiar. "But maybe this means… I still have a chance to be your hero."
She looked at him and let show all the love she bore for him. "Always," she said.
He paused. "How long has it been?" he asked. The unspoken words, since I died.
"Not long," she told him.
"I knew time had passed." He looked sad, so sad. "But I don't have a real sense of it. I don't really know how time works here."
Aerith knew. Time only passed if you wanted it to. He could have seen her any time he wanted – time only seemed to move because Zack expected it to move.
But there was no rush to explain things. "We have as much time as we want, now," she told him simply.
"It was hard," Zack told her. "I could only kind of JUST see you and Cloud." Aerith hadn't realized there were limits to those not a Cetra; pr perhaps Zack hadn't really tested those limits yet.. But another nagging detail –
"I just realized. You knew Cloud!" She'd heard him, but hadn't quite processed the information…
"Of course!" Zack exclaimed. "How is he?"
"He's okay," Aerith told him. As well as could be, considering. "He's with Tifa."
"Tifa's alive?!" Zack was shaken. In a good way. "I didn't know… after Nibelheim… I thought she died that day."
"She's well… she was a good friend of mine." Aerith's head was swimming, trying to put it all together. Zack and Cloud knew each other. They were BOTH on the mission to Nibelheim. She'd known he'd gone to Nibelheim… but not on THAT mission. So that's when Tifa met Zack. Mystery solved. And maybe why Tifa didn't want to talk about it…. Because Cloud's story was wrong?! We could have figured this out if we hadn't been so awkward talking about him… "So Cloud was the SOLDIER sent with you, huh?"
"No, wait, that's not right." Zack looked perplexed. "He was there.. but he was just a grunt." Cloud, so close to making it in, and he never knew…
"Not in SOLDIER?" Aerith asked. And Cloud blocked Zack out of his memories… scrambled them with Zack. If she'd only had this information in time. "You'll have to tell me everything."
"Of course," he promised. "But first… I want to know more about Tifa. She's alive? She's with Cloud?" he repeated enthusiastically. "That's great news! Finally! I KNEW he had feelings for her!" He smirked. "How's THAT going?"
"Oh, it's going quite well," she said airily. "I'm happy for them." And she meant it.
"So she's taking good care of him?" Zack was thrilled. Cloud surviving thriving, a validation of his sacrifice. Tifa, taking over his legacy of caring for Cloud. "I… uh… I don't really know how to tell you this, Aerith," he said, suddenly serious. "Cloud was… a mess. Mako poisoned. Catatonic. I wasn't sure if he was going to get better. We made it just to the cliffs outside Midgar before Shinra caught up to us. He only woke up when… I… died…" Choked up, he couldn't continue.
"He saw you die?" Aerith asked, alarmed. "No wonder… he must have been so traumatized… missing memories… I think… he filled them in with you. With someone he knew and admired." And adding mako poisoning, too, flooded with all that knowledge, overwhelming to even a Cetra.
Zack smiled. "That's actually pretty flattering, if he thought of me so highly."
Aerith beamed back. "I'm sure he did. After all, I do." Zack grinned even wider, and the couple's eyes met in harmony.
"He's trying to be a hero, though. He needs to get Sephiroth," Aerith continued. "I don't want to think of him as weak."
"He's not. He's never been. Not in the way you're thinking," Zack assured her, remembering Cloud telling him about failing the SOLDIER exam. "He just had things he needed to learn."
"I tried to teach him," she told Zack, "but I guess it's Tifa's job now."
"You think she can do it?" Zack worried. Tifa was so young when he'd met her, still had that immature streak… but he'd had high hopes for who she'd become. (Besides, he trusted Cloud's taste.)
"Definitely. Tifa is… admirable," Aerith said with confidence. Cloud and Tifa. Zack seemed relieved There were so many other things to tell him.. like that she'd met his parents… but she had other things to clear the air about first. The hard things.
"Zack," she began, "I have something to confess." Now that she knew that they knew each other, this was going to feel like such a betrayal; Not just that, but Cloud taking on Zack's traits, drawing her in with an unreal self, shades of lost love… "I had feelings for Cloud."
"I know," Zack told her, unsurprised. "Or rather, I expected. I hoped. You didn't have to explain, because I have a confession too. I gave Cloud the push towards you. I thought Tifa was gone… I thought maybe the two people who meant the most to me might find happiness together." He'd intended to give Aerith to Cloud; now Cloud was the one to give her back. Despite the circumstances, he couldn't deny he was happy to have her. And… "I'm glad Cloud and Tifa found each other."
"They carry the burden now," Aerith harried. "Of surviving. I wonder, didn't we maybe get the easy way out?" Was the Promised Land here… or would Cloud and Tifa find it on the other side?
Two couples, one on either side of death.
Cloud and Tifa, facing life together.
And Marlene, the hidden connection between them all…
Tears filled her eyes in an instant. "What is it?" Zack asked, panicked.
"Zack," Aerith sobbed. The one thing he didn't know - that it was time for him to learn, though it would break his heart.
She gestured with a sweep of her arm, and suddenly he could see everything…