Apologies for the large chunk of this chapter being conversations. As you know a large proportion of this story is Amelia's character development through discussion of feelings and this chapter is evidence of that.
Enjoy.
Arizona POV
When I walk into our bedroom I can see Amelia is deep in thought. On closer inspection I can see she has been using the jar that I made for her, to help her when she was feeling down.
"Can I come in or do you need some space?" I ask, not wanting to interrupt or make any negative feelings worse.
"Sorry, you can come in. I was just processing, y'know?" She tells me and I make my way towards the bed. Removing my jeans and leg so I can get comfortable before crawling over to sit next to her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I query, still unsure of what is going on.
"I don't know."
"Can I ask questions?" I ask her and she nods her head, giving me permission.
"Do you want to cuddle?" I ask her and without a verbal response she makes her way into my arms, resting her head on my chest. "Have you hurt yourself?" I ask her in the least judgemental tone I can find. I am relieved to feel her shaking her head against me.
"I thought about it but I haven't." her body is so tense, not relaxing into the embrace but I am glad she has accepted it.
"Do you know what made you feel like this?" I'm unsure if I'll get an answer to this question.
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess." She responds, being evasive but I let it slide.
"But you're my mess." I joke and I feel her laugh slightly against me. I'm unsure it the laugh is real or not but it makes the situation a little less intense.
"I drew something for Sofia. I haven't done that in a long time."
"Drawn something?" I ask to clarify.
"No, I draw all the time. I just don't share what I draw, it's normally personal stuff y'know."
"I didn't know art was something you're interested in." I tell her, stroking her hair out of her eyes. I can feel her tears soaking through my shirt but it is the least of my concerns.
"I used to love drawing, I would draw all the time, showing off my work, doing it for classes. Then after I was attacked everything changed, I didn't want to communicate with people anymore so I would draw what I was thinking. Whenever I was trying to work out my feelings I would put it on paper but I never wanted to share what I had created anymore.."
"So what changed?" I'm trying to work out the link, the connection of how we got to where we are now with her crying in my arms.
"I could see she was still upset about Mark so I sat next to her and picked up a pencil and it just happened, while we were talking. She sat there, and we talked, and I drew her. I didn't really think much of it. She asked me to add me and you so I did. It didn't really hit me until you were talking about it with her"
"I'm sorry, I'm still not fully following."
"It's like I'm sharing parts of myself that I've always hidden, I'm breaking down my walls. It scares me, like I was fine with you seeing it, and Sofia, she's just a kid so it didn't bother me, but I don't like the idea of you taking it to work. I don't want other people to see it."
"You could have just said that. I would have told you I wasn't planning on taking it to work. I actually wanted to frame it and keep it in the apartment, if that's okay with you." I know Sofia had mentioned I take her artwork to my office but this isn't just another drawing, this is Amelia's work, her heart and soul.
"Could it go in our bedroom? So it's private and guests won't see it?" Amelia asks me shakily and I can tell she is still feeling anxious.
"Of course. Why didn't you just tell me what you were feeling? This is an easy fix."
"I didn't want to upset Sofia. She asked for it to go in your office, I didn't want to go against her."
"She wouldn't have minded, honestly she will be overjoyed that we are keeping it the apartment" I reassure my girlfriend and she begins to relax against me for the first time this evening.
Not too long later, Amelia pulls herself out of our loving embrace. Her face is red and puffy from crying but she still looks stunning.
"Has Sofia gone to bed?" Amelia asks me, her voice is a little raw from crying but she seems calm.
"Yeah, she was worried about you. She said you looked sad and I told her I would check on you once she is in bed. Why?" I question, genuinely unsure of where Amelia is going with this.
"Would you mind if I checked on her? Said goodnight?" I look to my girlfriend and smile, I love her so much.
"Sure, you don't need to ask. If she is still reading can you tell her I said lights out?"
While Amelia is out of the room I take a moment to change. With Amelia being so fragile tonight I opt to sleep in pyjama shorts and a tank top, just incase I need to get up in the night.
"She's out like a light." Amelia tells me quietly, closing the door to our bedroom behind her.
"I'm not surprised, you've worn her out today." I reply, watching her move towards the wardrobe, changing into similar attire.
As she gets closer to the bed I expect her to climb up to join me but she doesn't. Instead she kneels down by the side of the bed, reaching underneath to retrieve something. She pulls out a black backpack that I recall seeing when she was moving in. I hadn't considered what its contents were until today, I had just presumed it was unimportant. With the bag now on the bed she climbs up next to me, tucking her legs up underneath the blankets. She reaches into the bag and passes me what looks to be a sketchbook.
"This is just the most recent one, but you can look if you want." She looks nervous, fumbling with her thumbs. I snake my right arm around her neck, holding her closer, keeping her by my side. I carefully open the book, treasuring the moment and feeling my girlfriends trust. I'm unsure what I expect to find but what I discover is not that. The first image shows two young children, silhouettes surrounded by shadows. The image is offset to the side of the page, leaving a large area of blank space.
"I draw this one quite regularly, always slightly different but the same idea. I can never bring myself to draw the other half."
"What other half?" I ask, still trying to understand the full meaning of the artwork.
"My dad." It suddenly clicks into place, the children positioned on the floor, the shadows, the darkness. This is her and Derek when their dad died.
"This is beautiful Amelia." I say turning the page to look at the next image.
"No, that is beautiful." Amelia says pointing to a drawing of me.
"You're a flirt. When did you draw this?" I ask her, studying the page.
"This one was a few months ago but there are many more of you, scattered among my other stuff. I don't know if that's weird or not." She explains, allowing me to continue looking through.
"I don't know if it's weird but these are amazing. You don't have to hide your artwork. I understand if you don't want me to look through them but you don't have to hide it from me. If drawing helps you work out your thoughts then you can draw whenever you want, even if I'm in the room." I understand why she kept them private but I need her to know that she is safe with me.
"Thanks, I guess." She tells me, still fidgeting with her hands. "You can keep hold of that if you want. There is nothing too bad in it." She continues.
"What do you mean bad? All your art will be amazing."
"I don't mean the actual art, I mean I know some drawings are better than others obviously but it was more about the content. Some of my older ones are really dark."
I nod, accepting what she was telling me and not pushing the topic any further. I close the book, acknowledging that Amelia has had enough of looking at them. I make a mental note to look through the rest of the drawings later.
"Are you okay?" I question. I can see she is still uncomfortable but I'm unsure how I can help the situation.
"No, but I will be." She tells me, pushing her body closer into my own and wrapping her arms around her body.
"Cravings?" I wonder aloud.
"Yeah." Amelia comfirmes bluntly.
"What can I do?" I ask, keeping her held close.
"Just hold me? Until I sleep?"
"Of course. If you need me in the night wake me, please. I don't want you suffering alone." I express, grateful she is allowing me to be there and help her through this situation.
"I'll try."
Amelia POV
Stop. Please stop. Please don't do this, please. I promise I won't call the cops just leave me alone. I just want to go home please don't do this. Don't touch me there please stop. I'm a virgin, I'm not ready for sex. Please don't do this to me. PLEASE IT HURTS STOP. YOU'RE HURTING ME. NONONO PLEASE DON'T-
"Amelia honey, wake up. It's just a dream, you're okay. Wake up for me, you're safe." Arizona's words slowly pull me out of my nightmare and I immediately feel my eyes erupting in tears. "You're okay Amelia, I'm here."
I can hear Arizona talking to me but I am still still terrified. I grab the blankets, pulling up to cover myself as much as possible.
"Okay Amy, stay calm. Your okay."
I nod my head in response but I'm still shaking, terrified of my own thoughts. I clench my fists, trying to remain in control of my body and Arizona notices my actions.
"Amelia you're going to break the skin with your nails you need to let go. Please, do it for me."
I try to shake my head, showing that I can't do what she wishes but I see her reach out her hand, the way she did the first night I stayed here. I take her hand and begin moulding her fingers into shapes, tracing patterns over her skin. Slowly making my way back to reality I realise that Arizona is wiping her own tears with her other hand.
I release my girlfriends hand, slowly sitting up against the headboard of the bed.
"I feel sick." I tell her, speaking for the first time since waking up. She is quick to respond, passing me the small garbage can from her side of the bed and I hold it against me, hoping my stomach will stay under control. "I'm sorry I woke you, are you okay?" I ask Arizona, referring to the tears I had seen on her face moments ago.
"I'm okay now you're awake. You were talking in your sleep. Normally when you get nightmares you mumble a bit, but tonight it was words. You were terrified and I couldn't get you to wake up. I'm sorry if I heard anything I shouldn't have." Arizona says quietly, explaining the situation I was unaware of. Before I have a chance to reply, my stomach gives in, emptying its contents into the bin.
Arizona is quick to respond, reaching to hold my hair back. At first I flinch at the contact, not realising what she was doing but it didn't take long to understand. She puts a hair tie in creating a messy ponytail allowing her to let go and remove any physical contact from the scenario. Once I had finished bringing up yesterday's dinner Arizona passes me a tissue and her bottle of water, both of which I'm extremely grateful for.
"Are you finished?" Arizona asks, pointing to the garbage can in my arms and I nod, allowing her to take it.
"I'm sorry you have to deal with this." I mention, motioning to myself and my current state.
"I'm sorry you have to live it. It's been a while since you've had a nightmare this bad. Do you want my hand back?" Arizona asks and I take it, appreciating how much she does for me.
"What did you hear?" I ask Arizona, unsure of how much I had actually spoken in my unconscious state.
"You were begging for him to stop, over and over. You gradually got more freaked and started thrashing begging him to stop touching you and ehm-" Arizona clears her throat a little and I can see her mentally fighting her own tears "You were getting more and more upset saying he was hurting you. It was bad."
"I'm sorry you heard that. It's not something you should have to think about." I reveal, still upset that I had caused this emotional pain but grateful she hadn't heard all of what I was saying in the dream.
"You should stop apologising, it's not like you can help it. I'm just happy you're letting me be here." Arizona tells me, holding her arms out as an offer for contact if I am ready.
I hesitantly shuffle towards her, slowly entering her embrace. I allow her to hold me but show no returns if affection, instead using my arms to hold my own body.
The thoughts in my head are running wild, something Arizona doesn't talk long to pick up on. "What's going on in that head of yours?" She asks quietly, stroking my hair out of my face once more.
"Would you still come with me if I decided to go to therapy?" I ask Arizona and I see a small smile creep up onto her face. "I think I want to get help but I can't do it on my own. I can't do it without you." Arizona pulls me in, even tighter into her arms.
"Of course, I'm so happy you want to try this. Of course I'll come with you." Arizona tells me wiping my tears from my eyes.
"Thank you."
So there it is. This chapter is a little shorter than most of the others but I needed the time to be right. I have been working towards this for a long time, my goal to be having Amelia go to therapy, it just took me a long time to be totally happy with the chapter before posting.
Let me know what you think :)