Amelia POV

I've been awake since approximately 3am. I had a stupid nightmare and now I can't get my brain to turn off. Everytime I close my eyes he is there, threatening me, I'm terrified. On top of that there is the thought of today being my first therapy appointment is terrifying. I know I agreed to go, I told Arizona I would go but at this moment, it's a decision I regret. Looking at the clock, I see it's 4:47. I really need to get some sleep tonight but my skin is crawling. Arizona arrived home late last night, she had been paged just before the end of her shift for an emergency consult therefore finding herself trapped in an excruciatingly long surgery.

I try drawing over my thighs with a marker, a technique that sometimes helps stop the pain, but I find no serenity. Against my better judgement I climb out of bed carefully, secretly hoping Arizona will wake but unwilling to intentionally interrupt her sleep. I feel nauseous, knowing what I am about to do to my body but I know it's the only way I'll get any rest. Even if I were to wake my girlfriend we would just stay awake together and I would most likely end up in this situation, using the blade anyway.

Using hot water I scrub at the pen marks, creating a clean gap big enough to cut without the risk of ink poisoning. I make three parallel lines, three lines of blood slowly appearing, seeping through the skin. The guilt of knowing what I'm doing is wrong exists but as soon as I feel the blade against my skin the feeling fades into nothingness. The calm takes over my body, all my fears melt away, just for a few moments but long enough for me to fully calm down. I clean the blade and place it back into the container Arizona had left for me, trading it for antiseptic wipes and dressings. I clean up my legs, making sure not to leave my mess around the bathroom. All traces of blood removed I place dressings over the self created wounds and make my way back to the bedroom.

Arizona is still asleep, none the wiser of my mental battles I have faced tonight. I make my way towards the drawers in our room, searching for a pair of sweatpants. I don't want Sofia to see anything she shouldn't in the situation that she were to enter in the morning. As I am changing I hear Arizona moving around behind me, awakening from her slumber.

"Amy, are you okay?" She asks still half asleep. I know I could tell her the truth but then she would want to talk, discuss feelings and stay awake with me.

"Yeah, I'm just cold. I'll be back in a second." I reply, grateful for the darkness and her not being able to see me. I walk back towards the bed to see Arizona holding the duvet open, her arm outstretched creating space for me to lay in.

Once I'm settled in her arms I pull the covers over us. Her arm is wrapped around my torso, holding me close and I can feel her breath against the back of my neck. Arizona quickly falls back asleep, not being fully awake to begin with probably helps. I feel safe in her arms and begin to rest my eyes. I'm not sure if sleep is going to happen but I'm calm, I'm relaxed. Everything is okay.

When I wake, there is light coming in from behind the curtains. I roll over expecting to see Arizona except find nothing but an empty bed. I sit myself up and reach for my phone to see that it's a little after 9am and I have a message from my girlfriend.

Good morning, I know you didn't sleep great so I didn't want to wake you. Gone to drop Sofia at Meredith's for the day and will be back soon. I love you. X

The message was sent about half an hour ago so Arizona will be back any minute now. My head is pounding and my emotions are all over the place. I can tell today is going to be a crappy day before I even I climb out of bed. When I get up I grab some clothes before heading to the bathroom to shower and get dressed. Lines of ink can still be found across my legs so I decide to leave the dressing on while I shower to give myself time to remove the pen. After my shower I peel the dressing from my thigh. One of the cuts is slightly deeper than I had believed but I don't think it needs stitches. I open the cupboard, taking out the container with my supplies. When I open it, I am surprised to see it fully stocked despite last night's incident. Arizona must have put more in this morning. I feel guilty for lying to her last night and the fact that she worked it out on her own but I'm more grateful for the fact I have more than the necessary amount of supplies. I clean the wounds and place sterristips over the deeper cut, holding the skin together. I cover the wounds with a fresh dressing and get dressed, rubbing my hair as dry as possible with the towel.

I make my way to the bedroom, brushing and blow drying my hair while I run over every possible situation that could occur at therapy. I am so deep in my own thoughts that I don't hear Arizona enter.

"Good morning. You okay?" She asks, walking over to sit next to me. "You didn't sleep great last night."

"I'm sorry." I say bluntly, jumping straight to the point. There's no reason to tiptoe around the conversation, we both know it'll happen anyway. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I have enough energy to be evasive.

"You don't have to apologise for not sleeping well."

"We both know that's not what I was referring to. I know you know." I tell her and she responds with a sad smile.

"You don't have to apologise for hurting yourself. I'm just happy you let me be there after, even if I was half asleep." She tells me, snaking her arm around my body.

"But I lied to you. I shouldn't have done that." I admit, knowing what I did was wrong.

"No, but you weren't ready to talk. I saw straight through your lie and it's okay."

"How'd you know?" I am genuinely oblivious to her understanding, her knowledge of last night's events.

"I mean, you're not an amazing liar as it is, but also because it was boiling in here last night, you set the thermostat and I know you hate sleeping in pants. It was kind of a dead giveaway." She doesn't sound disappointed in me, she is just honest with me.

"I'm still sorry I lied to you. It felt wrong but I just wanted to go back to sleep." I swallow the lump in my throat, leaning into her body.

"That's okay. Do you want to talk about it now?" She asks, opening up the option.

"Not really." I feel her nodding against me, accepting my choice.

"Okay, then we don't have to talk. Do any of the cuts need checking?"

"Not right now. Can we just lay down? Until we have to leave?" Her face comes to mine, going to kiss me but I pull away. She settles for a forehead kiss before slowly moving our bodies so I can rest my head on her chest.

"This okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not sure I can do this." I tell Arizona as we sit down in the waiting area for my appointment.

"There are no expectations Amelia, none whatsoever. Everything is on your terms, I promise." Arizona responds. Her voice is calm and even, showing full belief in her words. Every inch of my body is telling me to run, it's how I've always dealt with my problems. Whenever anything goes badly I run in the opposite directions instead of facing my problems, and now I'm trapped. I made a promise and I could never hurt Arizona by breaking it, but that means I have to do this. I have to face my problems for us, to give us a chance, to give myself a chance.

Exactly on time a middle aged woman makes her way out of the office and calls my name. Arizona gives my hand quick squeeze, silently telling me it's okay and we both stand up making our way to the office. We make our way into the office and it's scary how similar it is to Violet's office in LA. We take a seat on the large couch in the room and Arizona gives me her hand to hold.

"So I'm Dr Watson, but you can call me Anne. Which of you would be Amelia?"

I keep hold of Arizona's hand, not fully looking up. "That's me."

"That must make you Arizona, I think I spoke to you on the phone." Dr Watson continues and Arizona confirms her suspicions, reaching out to shake her hand.

"Amelia I want to use our first session to get your background, talk about your past and what brought you here, is that okay?" The therapist asks, trying to check if I'm listening I guess. I lift my head a little but don't look at her face.

"I guess."

"Okay so we are going to ask Arizona to go sit outside for a little while so we can talk openly and then we can bring her back in at the end. Sound good?" I squeeze Arizona's hand and look up, looking into my girlfriends eyes. I can feel the panic building in my chest, tears threatening to fall.

"No." I manage to get out, keeping my focus on Arizona.

"Amy it's okay, you're going to be okay." Arizona tells me, not moving from my side.

"You promised you would stay, you said you wouldn't leave." Arizona wipes my tears with her thumbs, turning away from me to look at Dr Watson.

"That's okay Amelia, she can stay. Normally we ask significant others to wait outside because it's easier to talk without them around, get into the deep stuff. Do you want a tissue?" She holds the box out and I shakily reach over to grab one.

"Thanks, I uh" I stutter, "I want Arizona to stay, she knows everything anyway." I wipe my tears and look up to her face for the first time in the session. She is writing something down in a notebook but quickly looks back up to continue the conversation.

"Arizona called you Amy just then, is that a preferred name?" Dr Watson asks, looking from me to Arizona and back again.

"No, only Arizona calls me that." I say honestly.

"May I ask why?"

"Derek, my brother. He used to call me Amy, he was the only one and he died. I don't know why but it's okay when Arizona says it, but if anyone else does it makes me mad I guess."

"Were you and Derek close?"

"He basically raised me. After my dad died my Mom was pretty absent so Derek looked after me. As I got older I pushed him away, but he was always there for me. We began working together again a couple of years before he died."

"And what is it you do for a living?"

"I'm a neurosurgeon. Head of neurosurgery actually." I state, normally I would feel proud and confident discussing my work but I am too focused on the topics yet to come. I'm emotionally exhausted already and I'm unsure of whether I'm physically able to hold myself together.

"That is really impressive. Do you enjoy it?"

"Yeah, it's the one thing I always have the answers to. No matter how shitty I'm feeling I can always do surgery, and I have some of the best recovery rates in the country." I don't mind talking about my job, it's easy.

"Congratulations. So family, tell me about it. Parents, any other siblings?" Dr Watson probably thinks this is a simple question but she is unaware of the complexities of my family life.

"My Mom was a nurse in the Army, my dad owned a corner shore. I was five when he died. I told you about my mom being absent after that."

"Any other siblings?" I look to Arizona and she laughs a little.

"I'm sorry, that's a little more complicated." She gives me a questioning look but lets me continue. "Biologically I have three sisters but we are not close, we haven't been in a long time. Then there is Addison, she was my brother's first wife. They were in school when they met and Addie became another sister to me. She took me to get my ears pierced for my birthday, she taught me about periods, sex, any girl stuff. I am closer to her than any of my other sisters."

"She sounds like a good person, where is she now?"

"Remarried, has a kid, Henry. She lives in LA, I lived there for a while but moved to Seattle to get away."

"You didn't mention Meredith and Maggie." Arizona chips in causing the therapist to look to my girlfriend. "Meredith was Derek's second wife, and Maggie her biological half sister." Arizona tells the doctor and I nod continuing.

"I was living with them and Meredith's kids before moved in with Arizona."

"Any children in the picture?" Anne asks, and I can see she is just trying to get a full understanding of my life but I was hoping this topic didn't make an appearance. Arizona can see my hesitation and begins to talk.

"I have a daughter, Sofia. She's close friends with Amelia's niece Zola. Sofia has just moved back in with us and she loves spending time with Amelia."

"She's a great kid." I add, hoping she won't ask any further questions if I speak a little.

"What about you Amelia? Do you want kids?" She attempts and my thoughts flick to those of the little boy I held in my arms all those years ago.

"I had a son, he died the same day he was born." I admit and I see her face change ever so slightly. It's the look of sympathy, I have seen it so many times, each time making me feel worse. "I don't really want to talk about him right now."

"That's okay. What about a lighter topic? How did you and Arizona meet and how would you describe your relationship?"

"She found me when I was having a bad day and helped me through it." I say, intentionally avoiding details. "She somehow managed to breakdown all my walls. We are currently dating and living together."

"That's good. It sounds like you have a great support network. Okay Amelia, we are going to get into the deeper issues now, are you sure you want Arizona to stay?"

"Yeah, I erm, sometimes I- I have panic attacks sometimes when things get deep and Arizona helps."

"Good, I had to check."

Arizona wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me in, allowing me to rest on her and get comfy.

"Okay, Amelia. What brings you here today?" There are so many options here, so many different answers to that question.

"A range of things. Mostly nightmares I guess and-" I trail off, not able to say what I want to say aloud. Dr Watson looks to Arizona to continue.

"Self harm is a big concern." The doctor makes note of what Arizona was saying before looking back to us.

"Okay, I can see that's a sensitive topic but it is important. I'm going to ask some questions and it's up to you whether you reply okay?" I nod my head showing understanding. "When did you start?"

"I was 16, since then it's been on and off." my voice is dry, and croaky. I'm trying my hardest to hold myself together.

"Was there a triggering event?" I look to Arizona and shake my head. She is the only person to know about what happened and it's not something I can talk about easily. "Can Arizona answer for you?"

"Yeah but I don't want to talk about it, please." I look at Dr Watson then to Arizona. I take her hand in my own and she allows me to begin moulding it into shapes.

"She was raped." Arizona's voice is shaky and I hear her swallow the lump in her throat. "I don't think its my place to say anymore." Arizona rubs her free hand up and down my arm, wordlessly letting me know its okay.

"I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you report it?" Until now, Dr Watson had not shown a whole lot of emotions, but at this comment she gives a sad smile.

"No, I uh, can we not. I'm not having a great day today, and I…" I stutter, my words fading away. "Az I really don't want to talk about this." I say, turning my attention to my girlfriend, not moving my attention from her face. I can feel my panic levels rising and Arizona clearly understands.

"Slow breathing, look at me. You're safe, I'm so proud of you for coming. It's all going to be okay." I give in to my emotions, letting myself crumble a little, letting the tears flow. Arizona holds me against her. She keeps whispering sweet nothings in my ear until my breathing begins to calm.

After many attempts to gain more information, discussing more of my past Dr Watson finally realises we are not going to get any further today.

"Amelia we still have 20 minutes of session left but how would you feel about cutting this short, I don't want to do any more harm than good and I can tell we have discussed a lot of difficult topics." I nod my head in response but do not look to the other woman in the room.

"I think that's a good idea." Arizona replies for me but I don't begin to move.

"I do need to ask, is there anything else major from your past I need to be aware of? Will next week be more history taking or the start of therapy itself?" Dr Watson looks kindly at me, awaiting an answer.

"There's more. There's always more." I say dryly, to which the therapist nods knowingly. It's funny, she looks so all knowing and yet she knows nothing of the hell that I've been living.

"Az, I really need a meeting." I reveal, holding the hems of my long sleeved t shirt over my hands.

"Meeting?" I hear Dr Watson questioning from the background but I can't bring myself to reply. "I guess that's a discussion for next week." She continues due to the lack of response.

I here Arizona asking if we can have a moment to talk before we leave and ?" Arizona asks and I lift my head to look at her face. "Come on, let's just get to the car and we can find a meeting. I love you, I promise it's all going to be okay. I'm so proud of you"

"I love you too." I manage to get out and Arizona reaches around me, helping me stand up.

As we walk out of the office Dr Watson is waiting.

"Thanks for today Dr Watson." Arizona offers and reaches to shake her hand.

"It was nice to see you both. See you next week Amelia?" She adds.

"I guess." I reply, feeling bad for ignoring her earlier but grateful my body could muster the strength to form any words whatsoever.

With Arizona's hand around my waist we make our way back to the car.

Arizona offered to take me to a meeting. The cravings are hell right now and I can't stop fidgeting with my chip in my pocket. I want nothing more than to give up right now, I'm so close to giving up. I know exactly where to get the drugs, I could leave the meeting and get them right now, If Arizona wasn't in my life, if she wasn't waiting outside, I would have lost it all. But she is here. Arizona hasn't seen me at my worst, I can't bring myself to hurt her like that. I saw how much I hurt my friends in LA. Addison and Charlotte were in so much pain watching me like that, and neither of them love me as deeply as Arizona. And Sofia, sweet innocent Sofia. What would she think of me. I can't do this to them, I just can't.

Once the meeting has ended I make my way back to the car, where my girlfriend is waiting. I flinch at a sudden touch to my arm, later realising it was Arizona trying to offer comfort. I buckle my seat belt and tuck my legs up to my chest, leaning my body against the car door. I can't bring myself to look at Arizona, I just close my eyes and stay here in the moment. I'm clean, I'm sober and I need to stay this way, I'm just not sure how.

When we have been driving for a small while, I realise we should have been back at the apartment already. I open my eyes a little to see what is going on and I suddenly feel a sense of deja vu. The first day Arizona and I truly got to know each other, the day she found me at that bus stop and I didn't know where I was. A part of me feels the same sense of vulnerability, but everything has changed. I trust her, so much. I trust her with my life, I trust her to keep me alive in a time where I could end it all. I need her to keep me alive.

When the car comes to a stop I hear her whispering my name. I raise my head a little, wondering where we are. The enormity of what Arizona has done for me hits. She has brought me to my place. A field with views that stretch across Seattle, the place I brought Arizona when she was feeling down, when I first told her about my worst days. The next thing I know Arizona has opened my car door and is holding out her hand for me to take. We walk out to the middle of the field, looking at the eye opening views.

"I- I'm-" I stammer but am unable to get the words out.

"Come here." Arizona says, keeping a hold on one of my hands but holding the other arm, ready to give me the loving embrace we both know I require.

I feel my body melt into hers. She is here to be strong so I don't have to. I know if I fall she will be there to catch me. She is my reason to fight.

I have no concept of how long we have been standing, the only clue I have is the ache of my feet. I pull away slightly, keeping her hand in my own but moving to sit down on the slightly damp grass. With her arms wrapped around me and my head in her chest, I am surrounded by her presence, her scent as a constant reminder that I am safe.

"What do you need?" Arizona asks tenderly, all of her love showing in her tone.

"D-don't leave me." I reply, breathing still harsh and uneven.

"I'm not going to. I love you too much." Her grasp around my body stays still and firm.

"I don't trust myself to be alone." I admit, hating the fact that these words have to come from my lips.

"It's okay, I understand. I'm right here." She reinforces, but I know she doesn't understand, she couldn't . She thinks I'm referring to the cutting, or the drugs, or alcohol. None of which are what I am truly afraid of.

"It's bad." I manage to get out. "I don't know if I can fight any longer"

I feel Arizona change position beside me, placing her hands on my face, turning my head to look at her. "Don't you dare give up on me Amelia. I know you're hurting, and I know this is selfish but I need you to live for me. I love you don't know if I'd survive losing you, so I need you to stay. Please. I don't think I can live without you." I can feel tears falling down my cheeks but all I can think is how much better off she would be without me.

"I hurt you. You don't deserve that. You're the last person to deserve that." Arizona is the most caring, loving person anybody could ask for. She deserves someone can make her happy. Somebody who she doesn't have to worry about every minute of the day.

"I need you to listen to me okay. I love you so much, I don't want anybody but you. You think you hurt me but that's love, for every up and every down, I am here. I don't want anybody else, I want you."

"But-"

"No buts Amelia. You make me so, so happy, in a way nobody else ever could. Yes you have bad days but the good days more than make up for it. You're everything I could ever ask for, and more."

I cannot find the will to hold up this conversation any further. All the emotion and self hate that had slowly begun to rise within me. The pain I am experiencing works its way out of my body and spills down my face. I feel her arms grasp around my body as I begin to fall apart. I don't try to fight the contact but lean into it. Sobbing more and more until I have no more tears left in my body.

Suddenly Arizona pushes me away from her and spins me around to face the other direction. It's as though she what my body was feeling before I do because the next thing I know I'm emptying the contents of my stomach all over grass beside us.

"That's it, let it out." Arizona tells me as my sobbing continues, a lack of tears due to dehydration but the cries releasing the same amount of pain. I feel Arizona's hand rubbing soft circles on my back. "You're okay. We are okay." I nod my head, not fully believing her words but appreciating her offer of support, staying safe and sound in her arms.

So things will get darker before they get better, as most things do.

Please let me know if you have any requests or suggestions please let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for reading!