This dedication is for tinabranford, Final Heaven Discord member, for being supportive wayyyy early on. Tina, for your encouragement, I bequeath you a notebook, and a pen in your choice of color.

Chapter 47. January 14 – January 15, εуλ0008

The further away they got from the north, the more nervous Tifa became. She was trusting that Nanaki did indeed have an idea where they were going – the only idea anyone had – and even though she knew the Lifestream could have carried Cloud anywhere in the world, she couldn't help but feel she was getting too far away.

Truthfully, she just missed him. So much it hurt.

But she'd agreed to be a leader; for now, she hid that weakness. Funny how she now realized Cloud must have felt, the pressure he'd been under – no wonder he just fell apart. Had they all helped accelerate his breakdown? Or was giving him a focus the best thing they could have done?

She was still turning over those thoughts as the Highwind, speeding through the air and over the globe, drew finally over a southerly island; the pilot announced their destination. Mideel. A continent distant from both Nibelheim and Midgar. A town she knew next to nothing about, except some vague memory it was known for its hot springs.

Hot springs… Lifestream… she wondered…

The town itself was pleasant, if somewhat rustic. Tifa took it in, absent-minded, while the others dispersed and spread out – making conversation, answering what they could about Meteor hanging above, trying to figure out a way to ask discreetly if a man had showed up out of nowhere – when they themselves were so obviously strangers as well.

She'd ended up with Cid and Yuffie, all three frustrated after scouring the town – it hadn't taken long to cover the whole thing. But they'd turned up little information, leaving Nanaki apologizing for not having had any better ideas.

Exhaustion was overtaking her, mental, emotional, and physical - and it was getting harder to keep the loneliness at bay. From behind one of the houses, a nondescript brown dog wandered out, and somehow that made it all the worse. She remembered Sector Seven with reluctant nostalgia – always surrounded by others, friends, neighbors, community – and even the animals always had plenty of company.

She knelt down to pet the mutt; it whined as she smoothed back its floppy ears. "I think I know how you must feel," she told it, allowing this moment of companionship to take her just a bit away from herself. Steps away, Cid and Yuffie half-chatted, half-bickered; she was mostly tuning them out. That's when she heard…

"…a week since he washed up… pokey headed… big sword… weird blue eyes…"

"Huh?" In a flash, Tifa was up and running. Cid and Yuffie called after her, tried to catch up – Yuffie nearly reaching her, Cid's lungs wheezing far behind – but she was already sprinting towards the clinic the speakers pointed her to.

She burst through the doors, adrenaline-driven, catching herself just enough to remember manners as the shocked doctor took sight of the unexpected visitor. "I'm so sorry… I heard a friend of mine was here. I've been so worried…"

"You're his friend?" asked the doctor. "He's here, but there's something you should know…" His words trailed Tifa as she rushed into the next room, barely registering Cid and Yuffie entering, asking questions. So overcome with love and excitement that she didn't hear the doctor's cautions…

A nurse leaned over Cloud, seated in a wheelchair – a detail she only remotely took note of in her eagerness to see the man. The nurse stepped away; Cloud's head hung limply forward. "Cloud!" Tifa cried out in delight, pushing back some sweat-drenched spikes from his forehead. "Cloud, I've been so worried about you…"

Her words were left hanging in the air as she caught his eyes, mako-glowed as always, but otherwise vacant, unseeing. No acknowledgement of his surroundings… no glimmer of recognition for her.

"Cloud?" she asked, her heart dropping. But all she got back was garbled grumbling, incomprehensible words.

No… please…

Panicked, she was barely able to ingest the doctor's explanation. Mako poisoning. From being dumped in the Lifestream. Shattering of ego, overwhelmed by the wealth of knowledge within. Was that what had happened before she found him at the train station, dazed and confused? But this was so, so much worse… had it finally been too much?

Then, it had been hard enough to care for him, his ups and downs; this much of a backslide… was more than she could handle. All of that for nothing... "Is there any hope?" she asked, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice; fearing to hear the answer she did not want.

The doctor didn't respond at first – that wasn't a good sign. "I've never seen a case like this. He's someplace… far away right now. It depends on if he can find his way back."

Someplace far away… another world, even.

Inside, she collapsed, it fully hitting her just how much Cloud really HAD been what kept her going – as much as she hated to admit it. All her drive fled from her, all the courage she'd thought she'd had emptying to leave a shell behind. First she'd lost Aerith, now she was faced with losing Cloud; seeing him like this before her… on top of everything else she had lost… How could she go on? She was vanquished, broken, not even realizing she'd begun crying, rivulets running hopelessly down her cheeks.

"An immense amount of mako-drenched knowledge was put into his head all at once," the doctor was saying. She heard Barret, Nanaki respond. When had they all arrived? She'd have to face them like THIS, and… She couldn't do it. She couldn't be their leader. Everyone had their breaking point; she had found hers. She begged Cloud futilely for reassurance, even just an answer – but that was something he couldn't give her. Not anymore.

She wished she knew how to reach him, how to pull him back. But she was no Cetra, with all their wealth of knowledge. She didn't have Aerith's skills, her power; maybe Aerith could have helped, but Tifa was useless to do anything but wait. Hushed murmurs came from the other room as everyone else stepped back outside, giving her some privacy with her grief.

Here with a comatose Cloud – really, truly, she was only by herself, she thought, looking into the empty reaches of his eyes. Alone with her thoughts. She'd come so far, but… Even when Cloud hadn't been there, it had been her memories of him that propped her up so long with hope – and that had all collapsed as if made of dust.

Mako poisoning. Shinra. Shinra had done this to him. She still blamed them, but even more, she blamed herself. Her once-strong desire for revenge was hollow, irrelevant. So much they'd taken away from her, but she couldn't make it matter as it once did. The here and now mattered. Cloud mattered.

Somewhere far away. That's what the doctor had said. Somewhere he could neither see nor hear – but maybe he could feel her touch. She caressed the sides of his beautiful face, letting her fingertips travel over manly angles and delicate curves. She wished she could touch every part of him, but with him in this state, there were boundaries she could not cross. Not that she'd want him to miss the chance to experience her touch, her caresses. Her explorations were limited, but maybe it could be enough.

Alone, Cloud now silent… all she could hear was the sound was that of her own heart breaking.

The silence was overwhelming; now she'd wished the others had stayed. Hers the only coherent voice, his disjointed mumblings starting up again, meaningless to her ears… until he wailed out, a voice so poignant and piercing, "what number am I?"… bringing back all too sharply the memory of his humiliation in the Northern Crater. Insult upon injury; how he'd hate to be seen like this. Even by her. Especially by her? All the same, she hoped she was the one person he might have trusted with this vulnerability. She wanted to be.

And with that thought in mind… she realized she'd already made her decision. It was only a matter of telling the others. Determined, she stood, with one last touch on his hair – surprising in its chocobo-down softness, when on the surface it looked rough – so much like the man himself.

"I'll be back in a moment, Cloud," she told him. "I won't leave you alone."

The only response was slow, regular breathing.

She dragged outside, prepared to face incredulity and arguments – but looking over the faces of her friends, she realized they already knew. She'd been right – she'd never been fooling anyone, except maybe herself. And she couldn't even do that anymore. Couldn't fake it even enough to go on.

"Everyone – " she still had to say the words, make them alive and heard – "I've decided… I'm going to stay here with Cloud. I… just can't go on." She realized she was echoing Cloud's own words in the Forgotten City; then, he'd looked to her for his strength, and she was suddenly rootlessly angry he wasn't here to return the favor. "I won't be much use to you…" I'll only be a burden.

Nobody really argued. "You've gotta be true to yourself," offered Yuffie, expressing the general sentiment of the group. The only true objection, perhaps unsurprising, was from Barret. "You really sure he's worth it, Tifa? I mean… is this guy really your childhood friend? What if this is for the best? What if he's just Sephiroth's shadow after all?"

Doubts she had herself, but she couldn't, wouldn't let them take over. She had to believe. Straightening to her full height, she looked up right into Barret's eyes. "I know he's real, Barret," she told him, wishing with all her heart. He had to be. "He's Cloud."

Barret's face told her he didn't agree, but neither did he argue. It was overcome by pride and respect, for her, for standing her ground. "I see, Tifa," was all he said, for once gravely serious. It meant so much from him - she was glad he was part of her life. He'd been on her side for so long – but even so, when Cloud came along, he'd understood. In his own way, his brusque, impressive manner, he'd been her hero too.

Goodbyes were terse, reluctant. Tifa couldn't help but feel the guilt… but she just didn't have it in her. Had it been such a short time ago they had all been giving her so much love and confidence? And here she was feeling scarcely less a wreck than Cloud himself was – That wasn't fair. But she still felt it.

There was one last matter to settle. Barret approached her. "Well, baby girl," he told her, using the nickname that was mostly Marlene's, but sometimes hers as well. "Now who's going to be the leader?"

"You don't want the job? " she asked him, surprised.

He sighed. "I'm not a leader. I get that now. Haven't really gotten us that far, have I? Huh." He looked around. "That's why I was all for you taking over. You're way more stable than me… Maybe that Cid guy. He seems okay. He's got some experience, right, being a captain and all?" He called over his shoulder. "Hey Cid! Everyone! We've got something we want to talk to you about!"

"You've got to be shitting me, " was Cid's first response. He snubbed out a half-finished cigarette and was already mechanically lighting another one before he realized that made no sense at all. "What if I don't fucking want the job?"

"Please, Cid," Tifa half-begged. Shit, girl, why do you have to do that to a man with those big spiced eyes of yours? And the worst part of it, was that she was so sincere and genuine about it all. Did she not have a single bitchy bone in her body? Cloud was some kind of piece of shit jerkass douchebag if he could actually resist her.

"Alright! I'll do it!" He dropped his cigarette to the ground, fingers yet again mechanically reaching for another one as he stamped it out. He really ought to quit those fucking things and be done with it. Tifa smiled, and Cid groaned inside. At this rate they'll think I've got some kind of fucking soft sport for women or something…

"Ok, leader," cracked Yuffie. "Now what?"

Cid thought long and hard before answering. "Well, you said Rufus pretty much spelled it out, didn't he?" he said. "Get the Huge Materia, shoot it at Meteor, then break down the barrier around the Northern Crater and go after Sephiroth."

"That actually could work quite well," observed Nanaki.

"You going to trust Shinra? With anything?" Barret was back to fuming. "If they want this Huge Materia, that means we can't let them have it."

Frankly, Tifa thought Barret wasn't making much sense at all, but she let it slide. I'm out of it now. With that in mind, she slowly tuned them out, Yuffie squealing about giant Materia to be found, Nanaki suggesting the best thing to do would be to take it to his grandfather for advice. They know what they're doing. They'll be okay.

Slowly, the group's attention drifted away from Tifa and Cloud, and they turned towards the Highwind and the mission at hand. Only Vincent stopped as they departed, greeting her with those painful red eyes. "Too much hope is the opposite of despair," he intoned. "An overpowering love might consume you in the end…" He spoke with the strength of experience, and Tifa wondered what in his past had left him so grave, so cold. And if she would end up the same way.

She watched their retreating backs until they were no longer visible, and then some; the Highwind rose above the trees, and she was left staring at the patch of sky where it had been. Finally, it was only she and Cloud, left alone, in a lonely corner of the world.

Hours stretched out, one upon another. Her head fought for sleep, but still Tifa couldn't bear to leave Cloud's side. She tried to sleep, curled up in the small, uncomfortable hospital beds, but it, and the dreams that were likely to follow, still eluded her.

She checked on him over and over, as if it would make any difference. Cloud was exactly the same. How long would he be like that? Weeks? Months? Years? Then again, she realized – wondering how she could have forgotten – they didn't HAVE that kind of time.

If Meteor fell… it wouldn't matter how long he needed to recover. Neither of them would be there to see it.

As dark settled over the village, the distant noises of the jungle in the distance interrupting near-total quiet, Tifa couldn't keep away the doubts. She wondered if she'd made the right decision; had she been selfish… or realistic? If she couldn't pull her weight, she'd only be a liability. If she couldn't get it together –

Thinking like this wasn't helping anything.

After the Northern Crater – she couldn't help but feel responsible for the state Cloud was in. Would telling him the truth – maybe even telling him how she felt about him – have helped or hurt more? Even as far back as Junon, she'd been troubled by this decision, worried what might happen. And somehow it felt like the worst part would be – he'd think he was a failure. That he failed her at Nibelheim.

He did, but that wasn't the point.

She sighed, pulling herself off the bed, away from her solitary watch. Outside, she stepped into humid tropical air – it might normally be unpleasant, but after the dry chill of the north she found it a wonderful relief. Under different circumstances, she might have found this place, this moment, profoundly pleasant.

She leaned over the railing of the porch, staring without seeing. Listening without hearing. Unable to get out of her head. She wanted to find something to be angry about, to latch onto hate for Shinra if nothing else – but that was too far too reach. Sorrow was too potent, too immediate.

Looking to her right, balancing on the corner of her perch, was a half-empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter, likely left there by Cid. Idly, she pulled one out and lit it, remembering how much she hated the things. Why she'd never allowed them inside her bar. One big puff disgusted her, her stomach going queasy, but it suited her blackened mood.

She stood there for a long time, relishing the solitude, indulging in the memories of the day. What little high points there had been.

The nurse looked at her, worried. "You're looking tired," she observed. "You haven't left his side. Not even to eat."

Tifa only looked at Cloud, morose, wishing she could do something for him; what a fool she'd been. "I have to be near," she told the nurse. "It's all I can do. Maybe it will be good for something."

The nurse nodded in sympathy. "You must really love him," she said softly; Tifa remembered Vincent's words, wondering if she was so thoroughly transparent to everyone. "I'm glad he has someone like you. You'll have to be his strength now."

It was just a gentle encouragement, but nevertheless, Tifa found some hope in it. With her own fading… she'd take whatever she could get.

She wished the gently swaying palms could provide some answers. Tell her where to go, what to do – or at least explain to her how CLOUD had gotten here, where he'd gone in the meantime, where he might be still.

The cigarette had burned down to ash; she'd never even taken a second puff. She stared at the thing for a minute or two, finally giving up and crushing barely-used remnants underneath her boot.

Going back inside, she felt a surge of pointless hope, just as quickly dashed as she found his condition unchanged. As if a miracle might have happened in the few minutes she was gone.

He slept, quiet now, drool dripping out the side of his mouth. Picking up a cloth from the table, she gently wiped it away – the nurse had been taking care of such things, but she had long since gone to bed. Not that she would have minded nursing him herself, caring for him without embarrassment - but she knew how mortified he would be if he woke up. When he woke up. She couldn't let herself think that way, but it was a measure of her desperation that the word had crept into her innermost thoughts even after all she'd tried to keep it out.

Settling back, she prepared to resume her lonely watch.

"I'm worried about the boy," Cid admitted. "Cloud. And Tifa. She must have collapsed taking care of the guy." Inwardly, he cringed. Showing concern? What next?

They'd gotten the Huge Materia out of Corel; barely stopping the train in time, but they had, and Barret had gotten a hero's welcome from a town that once scorned him. Then on to Fort Condor, where Yuffie, surprisingly, had squealed over the baby bird even more than the summon materia they'd obtained. Now…

"You are right," Nanaki agreed. "It is past time we return to them."

Cid turned gruffly to his pilot; the kid was learning, but still not as good as he himself was. But then again, was anyone? "You heard the man… uh… you know." He gestured. "Set course! Back to Mideel!"

Entering the town, Cid marched firmly towards the clinic, hoping the others were keeping up. Eagerness to see their missing companions drove him forward. Cloud. That kid was pretty weird, but he couldn't deny he liked the guy anyway. He hoped he was getting through… whatever it was he was getting through. With Tifa by his side… well, if anyone could help him out, it would be a good woman like her.

Speaking of… Tifa's head jerked up in surprise as they entered. "Cid! Everyone! You're back! How did it go?"

"Pretty damn well," he told her, briefly summarizing their activities, their success. "But you know, it just wasn't the same as with the two of you there. How's it been going over here?"

Tifa turned, morose; that was all the answer she needed to give. "There's no change," she said sadly. "I'm trying to stay strong, but… Cid, what if he never recovers? What if…" She couldn't finish the sentence.

"Don't cry, please, Tifa," he pleaded. He wasn't ready to deal with a woman's tears on top of everything else.

"You're not looking so hot," offered Yuffie. "Maybe… you should lie down for a bit? We can give you a little break."

Tifa couldn't deny the facts; she was exhausted. "Maybe for a little bit," she said, letting herself stretch out and already feeling waves of exhaustion passing over her. She let her eyelids slowly fall…

"They're coming!" Cloud's scream jolted her awake as the building started rumbling. His first coherent words… and it has to be... this. What was he talking about? There was no time to think; Cid, sitting in a chair beside Cloud, jumped to his feet. The others must be outside... "What the hell's going on?"

"Cid…" Tifa's eyes pleaded with his, and he nodded. "I'll check this out. You stay here with Cloud."

Outside, a scene of madness; buildings shaking, people screaming, running everywhere. And in the center of it all… The Lifestream. Cid knew that green sludge. And they way it was burbling… something was coming up.

Those giant fuckers at the crater. That must be what it was. "Get ready!" he called to his team; he noted with a captain's pride they were already raising arms, ready to face… whatever it was.

Tifa peeped her head out of the clinic. "Stay inside!" he roared towards her. "Watch the little guy!"

She didn't need to be told twice. Even as the building shook, there was still no response from Cloud since his scream of fear, no indication he registered anything going on. Going down to one knee, she covered his body with her own, arms around his neck, cradling his head against her shoulder and hanging on as tightly as she could; trying to shut her ears to the din outside, waiting out the quake.

Suddenly, the shaking drizzled off, almost as quickly as it had started. Tifa looked up with trepidation, hearing worried voices. Something told her to not let go.

Outside, Cid stared at the gurgling anger of the Lifestream; the WEAPON had been chased away, but still it wouldn't settle. It was the Planet's anger itself… and it was reaching for them, lashing out, uncontrolled.

Tifa heard Cid's roar, get the hell out of here - and she knew it was time to go. "Okay, Cloud," she said, "we're going to leave. I've got you, okay? No need to be frightened." She realized that really, she was trying to convince herself; there was no one else around. The doctor and nurse had already fled for safety - it was all on her now. Cloud was as unresponsive as ever; all she could do was murmur soothing words as she rushed his decrepit self to safety. She grabbed the handles of Cloud's chair, wheeling it around, driving towards the door.

Outside, bubbling green everywhere, the ground rippling and buckling unfettered – and panicked, all she could do was push forward. The chair jerked and jumped as they clattered down the stairs of the clinic to the bouncing ground below. Behind her, Tifa saw the Lifestream rising up, the ground shattering to disappearing pieces, consumed by the green tide behind.

She knew there was no chance. Maybe THIS was it – maybe they wouldn't even live to see Meteor fall, still hanging in the sky above them. The ground rose under her feet, but she couldn't run any faster with Cloud in his contraption. Still, she pushed on even as the earth buckled and broke up behind her.

She thought she'd just tripped, but the ground fell away completely beneath her, and she knew they were falling, falling in… Cloud, helpless, separated from the chair, it breaking into pieces as rushing up to meet them –

Green. Sickly green memories of the reactor's mako bubbling below, of the grave she'd wished for Sephiroth…

Falling away from each other, swallowed by a curtain of green…

Then…