When we arrive back at Arizona's apartment I throw my bags down by the door and move to sit on the couch. All things considered I'm feeling fairly calm, I think today's session went well. It's not something particularly enjoyed but it didn't scare me as much as last week. I know it's going to be a slow process, and I may never be who I was before but that's okay. I have Arizona to keep me going
"Coffee?" Arizona offers, going to turn the kettle on.
"Please."
When my girlfriend arrives back in the room with two cup of coffee I see her hesitate as to where to sit. She eventually decides on sitting by my side but leaving a gap between us and hands me my coffee.
"Are you okay to work later?" She asks and I confirm.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. We still have a few hours though right?" I ask quickly checking my watch to make sure.
"We do. I didn't know if you would want to go to a meeting before is all." I love how she considers these things for me. At first it was a little overwhelming having someone care for my every moment but I've grown to enjoy it.
"I went to one yesterday morning. I may hit one after work, I'm not sure but I'm okay for now." I explain, taking a sip from my drink.
It's only now that we are home and I have time to think that I realise what I agreed to earlier. Sure I trust Addison with my life, I know she would do anything for me, but I don't know if I could put her through that. Over the previous few weeks I have been more in touch with Addison, trying to arrange a time when she could come visit and catch up, but we have never had an actual reason to make it happen so the date kept being put off. I don't know how much I'll be able to tell her but at this point, whatever I decide to tell her should be in person.
"I don't know how to talk to her." I say aloud causing Arizona to look towards me.
"Who?" My girlfriend asks, not understanding the context of the conversation.
"Addison. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to hurt her." I elaborate.
"Addison loves you Amelia. Whatever you choose to tell her is totally up to you, and yes, she may get a little upset when you talk but it'll only be because she loves you. Whatever you say isn't going to change that." Arizona tells me stroking my hair behind my ear and resting an arm over my shoulder.
"I don't know how much I should tell her. I don't know if I'll be able to get the words out." I'm proud of how well I held myself together today but the emotions need to come out, and I would rather talk to Arizona than make any bad decisions.
"You managed to talk to me, I know it was difficult but you managed over time. None of what you told me ever made me love you any less, in fact it probably did the opposite."
"Seriously? My trauma is attractive to you?" I let out a small huff, in an attempt to make a joke, not really annoyed at the statement.
"You know that's not what I meant, but seriously, you managed to talk to me, and I didn't know you anywhere near as much as Addison does."
"That's the problem though. To Addie, I'm just her innocent little sister. She has known me my whole life, she wouldn't forgive herself for not realising what had happened. She knows about Ryan, Christopher and the drugs, but this is different."
"I know and I'm here, whatever happens." Arizona replies kindly staying by my side.
"Would you stay with me while I talk to Addison?" I ask her, my voice shaking a little.
"If that's what you really want, but I don't think you need me there. You're safe with Addison, and it's something you should probably do alone." She tells me honestly, and I know she's right. It is something I need to do alone but it scares, something Arizona quickly realises. "But I can stay nearby, if you wanted to talk here I'll just stay in the bedroom incase you need me."
"Okay."
"It's not a no, I will be there if that's what you need, I just don't want to get in the way."
"I'm just scared. What if I have a panic attack? Addie has seen me on my worst days but never like that. Never that vulnerable."
"I'll be just down the hall, and you just need to say this word and I'll be there. Are you going to call her to arrange it?" Arizona asks me and I pull my phone out of my pocket.
"I texted her on the way home asking her to call me if she has a moment to spare, she is probably at work and I didn't want to interrupt." I explain, unknowingly fidgeting with my hands. I run them over my legs bringing them back to my body when Arizona places her hand on top of them to stop the movement. "Sorry. My skin is crawling."
"Can I do anything?" Arizona wonders aloud and I shake my head.
"It's like the withdrawal symptoms all over again but it doesn't last long, it usually just when I'm stressed."
My girlfriend takes the empty mug from my hands and places it on the coffee table in the centre of the room before wrapping her arms around my body. "Does this help?" She asks me and I nod my head and lean into the embrace.
I don't know how she manages it. Arizona is always able to help me calm down somehow. She doesn't even have to say anything, her presence alone is soothing. Obviously I know just the existence of my girlfriend can't solve all my problems but it makes them a little less overwhelming. For so long I believed that I could only have true love once in my life. I thought I wasted my one on Ryan, a man who I didn't know and who barely knew me. Now, sitting here, resting against my girlfriends body I know that's not true. My life has been far from easy, I've experienced things most people could never even consider. I could never have imagined Arizona would walk into my life, I never imagined I would so easily decide I wanted to spend my life with somebody. The moment she asked me to move in with her, there was no doubt. There was no hesitation, just love. That's all there is to it.
The vibration of my phone pulls me out of my thoughts. I check the screen to see Addie's name and quickly slide across to answer the call.
"Hi Addie" I say quickly after answering my phone.
"Amelia, hi, are you okay?" She asks through the phone, barely taking a moment to greet me first.
"Yeah, I was just- Could we try to organise for you to come visit in the next few weeks? I know we've been talking but I wanted to actually put plans down." I explain, my hand gripping my phone a little tighter to prevent the phone from falling due to my shaking hand.
" Amelia, what's going on? Are you okay? You're scaring me" Addison knows me a little too well, it's like she knew something was going on before she even answered the phone.
"I'm okay, I'm safe. I just have a few things I need to talk to you about." I respond, trying to ensure she knows I'm okay but not begin anything I know I can't finish.
"Are you pregnant?"
"No, no, nothing like that. I'm with Arizona how would that even work." Okay, now I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't know me as well as I thought.
"Drugs?
"I'm sober I promise. I eh, I actually started going to therapy to try to stay that way." I reveal, unsure how she would respond but knowing there would be no judgement and it would give her a little comfort.
"Therapy is good Amelia, I still go for no reason other than to talk through my life choices." She responds and I nod my head, despite knowing she cannot see me through the phone line.
"Yeah, I guess. I just have a lot going on and want to see you in person. I miss spending time together."
"I need to talk to Charlotte about getting time off at the hospital, and to Jake about childcare for Henry, so it probably won't be this week, but maybe the week after. Wait a second-"
Addison's talking is suddenly interrupted by a flow of conversation. From what I can tell she is talking to Charlotte about getting a few days off from work. Charlotte's initial bitchy reaction made me laugh, she was considering saying no until Addison told her she was coming to visit me. I lose track of the conversation for a bit, struggling to hear what's going on. A couple of minutes later Addison puts the phone back to her ear confirms she should be able to come to Seattle for a couple of days the week after next, she just needs to run it by Jake. I feel butterflies in my stomach, the situation suddenly becoming real but I am also excited. I haven't seen Addison in a long time and could really use a hug. We say our goodbyes and I put my phone down, moving once again to rest my head on Arizona's chest.
My girlfriends hand makes its way to my back, rubbing slow circles.
"She spoke to Charlotte, got permission to have time off at the hospital for a few days. She's thinking maybe next Wednesday, but she needs to talk to Jake to make sure he can pick Henry up from school." I explain to my girlfriend.
"How old is he now?" She wonders and I realise how little she actually knows about my time in LA, my friends and family. Obviously she knows them by name but not much more. I pick up my phone to open Addisons facebook page, pulling up the latest image of Henry.
"He's 7. He was born about a month before Christopher." I can see Arizona studying the photo, trying to catch on to see any resemblance between Addison and Jake who are stood behind him in the image.
"He was adopted, Addison can't have kids." I explain and I see the statement register on her face.
"That - makes more sense, I was trying to see some similarities but I came up empty. It must have been hard, seeing Addison get a healthy baby after everything you were going through." Arizona voices and she's right. I mean, I couldn't even look at Addison or Henry for months after Christopher was born. Most people put it down to jealously, and maybe it was partially but it was more about me fighting to keep myself alive. I couldn't deal with any more loss. In my mind, the less people I loved, the less likely I was to get hurt. Those months when I was alone was when the cutting restarted. It didn't take long for me to realise that pushing people away wouldn't help, but by that point I didn't know where to turn Every day the topic went undiscussed it got a little bit harder to bring up, so I gave up. I just tried to go back to my life before but failed miserably.
We spend a decent proportion of the day laid on the couch. I only move when I check my watch to see I start work in a little less than an hour. I climb out of Arizona's embrace, much to both our our disappointments. Once I am up, I head to our bedroom to collect the things I need for work, putting them in my bag before grabbing my towel from the radiator so go take a quick shower.
I still feel anxious, butterflies in the deep of my stomach. It makes me feel more self conscious which is not a feeling I enjoy. As I remove my clothing and look down at my body I see that the cut from last week has healed. There are no cuts currently on my skin. It seems like forever since this situation has occurred and yet, I get a sudden urge to reach for my blade, to create new damage. I quickly push that thought from my head, not wanting to ruin the work I have to into staying healthy. I want to resist the cravings. I know deep down that I'll probably cut again at some point soon, I know I can't just quit, but I am trying my absolute hardest to abstain for as long as possible. I turn the water onto hot and finish removing my clothing, tracing my fingers gently over my scars. They're a reminder, a reminder that I will never be normal, but I don't think I would get rid of them if I had the choice. Sure, they're ugly, and I have to make sure I hide them from most people, but they're mine. They tell my story of how I survived. They show the pain I have been through, that nobody I know can truly understand. The scars also remind me of how amazing Arizona is, how lucky I am to have her in my life. Most people would ge terrified, they would run in the other direction seeing a mess like me but she stayed, and I love her so much. She showed me that I deserve to be loved.
Arizona POV.
I offered to drop Amelia off at work, an offer that she politely declined. She is working late so she pointed out that if I dropped her off, I would need to pick her up at midnight, when Sofia will be fast asleep. I love my girlfriend for so many reasons, but there are times when what I feel for her intensifies. Whenever she puts Sofia before herself, I just want to cry and wrap my arms around her. She has had such a hard life but somehow still has all of her priorities straight. The way she behaves around Sofia is amazing, she had adapted to make everything I was worried about work. We have become our own little family unit, and when I see the two of them interact, I see all of Amelia's maternal instincts kick in. I don't want to scare her by telling her this, in her mind she is just the cool girlfriend who hangs out with us sometimes. I don't want her to feel like I have any expectations, after all, Sofia isn't her child. I don't think Amelia ever expected to be a mother again, all thoughts regarding motherhood have just been pushed out of her head, but I can see how much of an amazing parent she could have been for Christopher, how much of an amazing parent she is for Sofia.
Almost as though she knew I was thinking of her, I hear Sofia talking and knocking on the door. I quickly get up to undo the bolt, Sofia and Zola running in, Meredith carrying Sofia's school bag for her.
"Thanks so much for watching her, did she cause you any bother?" I ask my friend.
"Nope, she was great. She actually got Zola to do homework without putting up a fight which is a rarity these days." Meredith explains, passing me my daughters bag.
"I hope Sof never hits that phase, I mean I know she probably will but hopefully not for a long time. You want coffee?"
"Coffee would be great thanks. So, how's Amelia?" Meredith asks ands it's unexpected. About a million thoughts flick through my head, debating how to best answer the question.
"She's doing okay. Good days and bad days but it's going well. We are happy, and she is amazing with Sofia." I answer carefully, not putting any details into the conversation. I'm not 100% sure how much Meredith is aware of, and I would hate to reveal something Amelia wasn't ready for.
"I worry about her." Meredith states and I look to her for a further explanation. "Derek always told me he was the one who had to look after her, and after he died, I felt like I should have taken that on. I know she is a grown woman, and we didn't get along a lot of the time before Derek died, but I think that's what he would have wanted. I clearly didn't do well looking out for her, but I'm glad she has you now. She seems happy." Meredith says honestly and I feel tears building in my eyes. I swallow the lump in my throat, holding my tears back and look up.
"I love her. I would do anything for her, to try and help where I can."
"I haven't seen her as happy as she is with you in a long time." Meredith explains and I nod, unsure how to voice the race of thoughts that flow through my brain. Amelia struggles so often, and for Meredith to say she seems happier? I hate to think how bad things must have been a year ago, but I'm glad I'm able to make a difference.
"What you said about Derek, you could talk to her about it y'know." I Tell Mer, changing the topic away from myself.
"I don't really know what's going on with her, I don't want to say anything I shouldn't." Meredith admits, and I know what she means, but dancing around the topic isn't going to help anybody. Amelia has told me time and time again she just wants to be treated normally, so that's what I've been doing. I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn't just me who was treating her differently.
"Just talk to her. She may be going through a tough time but treating her differently won't help. She's a grown woman, she'll tell you if there is something she doesn't want to talk about." I reiterate my voice sounding a little harsher than I intended. I place my empty coffee mug on the table and look up to the other women on the couch . Meredith seems shocked at my sudden outburst, but I don't regret saying what I did. "She is still the same Amelia you've known for a long time. Treat her like a sister, she just needs people to be there for her."
"I guess. I just don't want to hurt her. I look at her and I see Derek, I can't lose her too."
"And you're not going to."
After a portion of small talk I realise the apartment is very quiet considering there are two, nine year old around here somewhere. "We should check on the girls, it's strangely quiet around here." I voice aloud, raising my concern. We make our way out of the living room and towards my daughters bedroom. When I push the door to her room open we can see the two girls asleep in Sofia's bed. At first glance, they look adorable, but it doesn't take long for us to figure out they're not really sleeping.
"Zozo, come on. Time to go home." Meredith says and the giggles start from both girls. They sit up in the bed and Sofia gives a small pout.
"It's almost your bedtime too missy, and you need to shower. Plus it's a school night so no sleepovers." I tell my daughter, not raising my voice but using a tone in which she knows not to fight back.
"How about a sleepover at the weekend? I'm off work on Saturday." Mer says to the girls, looking to me for my approval, which I quickly give.
"Can we mom?" Sofia asks climbing to her feet and running to wrap her arms around my waist.
"As long as you're good, I see no reason why not." I offer and her grin grows unimaginably wider.
"Thanks Mom."
"Yeah, thanks Zona, thanks Mom." Zola responds with a yawn, clearly too tired to be as excited as Sofia.
"Come on, let's get you home." Mer says, taking Zola by the hand and I follow to see them out.
A little over an hour passes, Sofia has showered and is now curled up by my side while I am sat watching a documentary. As much as I love having Amelia around, it's nice sometimes to have a quiet night in with my daughter. It gives us a chance to talk, about anything and everything.
"Mom, do you think Melia will help me with my art project?" Sofia breaks the silence to ask.
"I didn't know you had an art project. What is it about?" I ask my daughter, unintentionally skipping over her question about my girlfriend.
"We have to make something that makes us different. Like it could be a poster, or a drawing or a model but to show why I'm different from the other kids." She explains, yawning as she finishes her answer.
"That sounds good baby. I'm sure Amelia will help if you ask her, but make sure you have some ideas first because then you'll be able to get started quicker. But why Melia? Can't I help too?" I quiz my daughter, tickling her sides a little.
"Noooo, last time you helped your stick man was wonky! Amelia is a good drawer and I want to write about brains because Melia said brains are where our personality is and that makes everybody different."
"That's a really good idea baby. I think Amelia would be happy to help, but right now, you need to get to bed, you have school in the morning and you can't stop yawning."
"Yeah. Good night Mom, I love you."
"I love you too."
So this is kinda the beginning of a whole subsection of chapters. Hope you enjoyed, there are some tough times ahead but the happy sides will miss than make up for it.