So I had this idea a while ago but I had to wait until the time was right, I also had to make sure the situation was right and I wasn't forcing it for no reason (the second half of the chapter). Anyways, here it is, hope you enjoy.
Amelia POV
I've been awake for a small while. I cannot bring myself to go back to sleep so I'm just sat awake in bed. I'm not panicked, and I don't plan to hurt myself, I'm just awake and I can tell sleep is not going to come. I am pulled away from my thoughts when I hear quiet crying from outside my bedroom door. I quickly get dressed, throwing on shorts and t-shirt on before sneaking out to ensure Sofia is okay.
It's dark in the hallway but I can see light snaking through from under the bathroom door so I assume Sofia is in there.
"Sofia baby, can you open the door?" I ask calmly after giving the door a light knock.
"Melia? It hurts." She says quietly through the door and I become immediately alarmed, switching to doctor mode.
"What hurts Sofia? Are you okay? Can you unlock the door for me?" I ask with a little more urgency in my voice but still quiet, considerate of my sleeping girlfriend down the hall.
"My belly hurts and there is blood." The nine year old answers answers and my brain runs through the hundreds of possibilities that this could be.
"Sofia, was the blood between your legs?"
"Yeah." I hear as a small sob.
"It's okay baby. It's nothing to worry about. Can you open the door for me or do you want me to get your mom?" I offer, suddenly realising that the young girl may not be comfortable with me being here in this situation. I don't get a verbal reply but I hear the door unlock so I enter slowly. The blood covered pyjama pants are on the floor and Sofia is stood next to the toilet with a towel covering the bottom part of her body. Her face has tear tracks, she has obviously been awake a little while. This whole situation must be very scary for her so I make sure to stay calm.
"You're okay sweet girl. This is totally normal, it just means you're getting older is all." I explain, moving a little closer and sitting on the edge of the bath.
"But it hurts and my bed has blood." Sofia admits, her bottom lip quivering as she tries to hold back tears.
"That's easily cleaned, don't worry about it. Why don't you have a shower to clean yourself up and then we will have a little talk huh? Let me just get you some new pyjamas." I say leaving the bathroom a moment. My eyes flash over the bed, seeing the stain Sofia was referring too. It's not as bad as I expected but I'll still change it while she showers. I grab a pair of pyjama bottoms and clean underwear from the drawer before making my way back to the bathroom.
Sofia seems to have calmed down a little by the time I get back. I place the folded pants on the floor and grab a sanitary towel from the drawer.
"See what I'm doing?" I ask the girl, making sure she understands how to do this on her own for next time. "This way the blood doesn't get everywhere." I explain, using my thumb to wipe a stray tear from her face. "Once you've showered put these on and I'll get you a hot water bottle for the belly ache okay?" Sofia nods then looking towards the shower, hinting for me to leave. I pick up her dirty washing and close the door behind me to let her shower.
Before I deal with the mess I head back to our bedroom to wake Arizona. This is definitely something she should be dealing with, not that I mind but I don't want to overstep.
"Az wake up." I whisper, placing my hand on her arm.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Arizona asks, panicking at the sudden awakening.
"Sofia started her period and is pretty freaked out. She is showering and I'm going to sort her sheets but I figured you should talk to her when she is out. I told her it's totally normal and showed her how to use a pad but I didn't want to over step." Arizona is suddenly very awake and beginning to panic.
"She's only nine. How? It's too early."
"Arizona you're a paediatric surgeon, you know it's totally normal between the ages of nine and seventeen. Just stay calm, she needs a Mom, not a doctor right now." Arizona nods her head and I wrap my arms around her offering comfort.
"She's okay, I promise. I'm going to clean the sheets, can you get her a hot water bottle for the cramps?" I ask my girlfriend, passing her her leg and some clothes.
It doesn't take long for me to replace the young girls sheets. The whole situation has clearly upset Arizona, presumably due to its unexpected nature. I can see she is trying to be strong for Sofia's sake but I see straight through her lies.
When Sofia comes out the bathroom she runs straight into Arizona's arms?
"It's okay honey, we just need to have a little talk then we will get some more sleep okay?" Arizona explains, rubbing small circles on her daughters back. I pick up the hot water bottle Arizona had prepared and pass it over.
"I'm going to let you two talk." I announce and Arizona nods, giving me a small smile.
"Melia no." I hear Sofia say quietly causing me to turn back around. "Can you stay please?"
Arizona looks a little shocked at Sofia's request, and I watch her to make sure she has no objections. Coming up empty, I make my way to sit back on the bed on the other side of the young girl.
My girlfriend takes a deep breath before breaking the silence again.
"Are you okay Sof?" She asks before starting and her daughter nods her head.
"I was scared but now I'm okay." She says in the tiniest voice.
"You're allowed to be scared, but there is nothing to be afraid of. You're just getting older."
"That's what Melia said. But why?"
"Why what?"
"Why does blood mean I'm getting older?"
"It's your body getting ready to be an adult. It means that when you're older you can have children." Arizona explains but Sofia shakes her head.
"I'm not old enough to have children."
"That's right, you're not having children for a long time but your body doesn't know that." Arizona explains but the girl looks more puzzled than she did to start with. "Inside your body are tiny little eggs, and when you don't get pregnant your body has to get rid of them so you bleed a little bit." Arizona tries to explain and Sofia seems to understand this a bit better.
"So you bleed too?" Sofia asks me and I confirm.
"Yep, and your mom. All girls have periods, some start a little earlier than others but we all get them in the end." I assure her.
"Does it always hurt?" The girl asks her mother and Arizona shakes her head.
"Not always, but everybody is different. When it hurts you can just put a hot water bottle on your belly and that helps." She explains.
"You know what else helps me Sofia?" I offer and she turns to look at me. "Cuddles from your Mom. I think they're the best medicine."
"Yeah, Mom's cuddles are the best." She says with a yawn.
"Do you want to sleep in our bed tonight?" Arizona offers her daughter but Sofia shakes her head.
"No, I'm okay. I'll sleep here."
When we are back in our room I see tears start falling down Arizona's face. I close the door behind us and take her hand to go sit on the bed.
"Come here." I say opening my arms offering physical comfort. Arizona falls into my arms, letting herself fall apart. I rub small circles on her back, mimicking the action she had used to comfort Sofia and just let her cry.
"I feel like I failed her. I just look like an awful mom."
"You're an Amazing Mom, Arizona."
"You're just saying that because you love me." my girlfriend responds with a shaky breath.
"I do love you, but that doesn't change the fact you're an awesome mom. I'm saying it because it's true. I didn't have the strongest relationship with my Mom after Dad died so trust me okay, Sofia is lucky to have you." At this Arizona doesn't respond, she just stays in my arms so I continue to talk. "I was ten when I got my first period, and I was just as confused as Sofia. My Mom wasn't around so Addison explained things to me. Even when My Mom found out she didn't offer any explanation, she just presumed I was fine. You just sat down with Sof in the middle of the night to make sure she was okay. You're an excellent Mom and if anybody tells you otherwise I will personally make sure they never see the light of day again."
My last statement gets a small laugh out of her.
"I'm sorry your Mom wasn't there for you." Arizona finally says.
"Don't be. I had Addison, I was lucky. And it made me who I am today."
"Callie gets really bad period cramps, every time. I just hope Sofia hasn't inherited that trait." My girlfriend sighs. "Thank you for waking me. I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't woken."
"I was already awake and I heard her crying. I couldn't just leave her there. I love her."
"She loves you too. And I love you. Why were you awake?" Arizona asks me and I look at her, not saying anything but letting her know the answer.
"Nightmare?"
"Yeah. But I'm okay. I didn't do anything." I say, making sure she knows I haven't created any new cuts.
"Do you think you could get any more sleep?" Arizona asks, seeing how it's only 3am I nod. We crawl back under the covers and I wrap my arm around her body, my head resting behind hers. It's rare that I am the one giving comfort, that I get to hold Arizona but I like it. I'm glad she trusts me enough to do this.
"Goodnight. I love you."
Arizona POV
When I wake up Amelia is no longer in our bed. The sheets next to me are cold so she hasn't been in bed for a while. Sitting myself up I reach for my phone, I hadn't realised it was after 10am. I never sleep for this long. I can hear quiet conversation coming from the living room so I head in that direction. Amelia and Sofia are sat on the floor with what I assume to be Sofia's art project, the papers still covering the floor but it's not as much of a mess as last night.
"Mom, come look what we are doing!" Sofia says as soon as I enter the room. She takes me by the hand and brings me over to the floor. There are pictures here of Mark, pictures that I've never seen before. Amelia must have had them stashed away somewhere. "We are making a timeline of Dad! I don't remember him that well but this way he's still included. Then I'm doing a timeline of me!"
"That's an amazing idea sweetie. Can I see the photo's?" I ask and she hands me the half glued paper. I look up to Amelia, wordlessly thanking her for doing this.
"They're photocopies, don't worry."
"Where did you have all of these?"
"Oh, they're mostly of Derek and Mark, from an old photo album. We just cut Mark out to make it work." My girlfriend explains like it's nothing, not realising how much she has actually done for my daughter.
"Still, thank you. Do you want coffee?" I offer, standing back up and going to make myself some.
"No thanks. I was actually going to run to the store if that's okay, I was just waiting for you to get out of bed. Do we need anything other than bread and toilet roll?"
"I think we are getting low on milk, oh and you're low on tea."
"Got it. Let me know if you think of anything else." She says, putting her sneakers on and leaving the apartment.
I don't know why but I have a strange feeling. Something about Amelia just didn't seem right this morning, sure she acted happy when she was talking to Sofia, but the way she left as soon as I was awake, it was just strange. She was too quiet. My first thought is that she has cut, but I don't think that's it. There is something else.
Coffee in hand I make my way back through to join my daughter. She seems okay at least, especially considering all that she went through last night.
"How are you feeling?" I ask my daughter openly, causing her to look up toward me.
"I'm okay. My belly still hurts but not as bad as last night." She explains simply.
"How long have you two been awake?" I ask Sof, and she shrugs.
"A while. We had cereal and watched an episode of spongebob before doing my work." She answers, her face suddenly switching to confusion. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course, what's up?" I respond, surprised that she wants permission rather than asking her question straight out.
"I didn't want to ask Melia incase it was a bad thing." She starts and all thoughts of what could be going through her head vanish. I had presumed she was going to ask me a question about periods, but she seemed pretty open with Amelia about the topic last night, and I don't think there is anything she would consider 'bad' or upsetting to Amelia.
"That's okay. What's your question?"
"Why does Amelia have cuts on her legs? Last night she came into the bathroom wearing shorts and I saw some of them." I hadn't even noticed Amelia's attire last night, I had been too concerned over my daughter.
"I'm sorry you saw those baby. You did well asking me instead of Amelia because they make her feel sad to talk about."
"But why?"
"Because they give her sad memories. But lots of the cuts are better now aren't they? That's because she is so strong and they're getting better. They're her battle scars to show how strong she is." I explain as best I can, not wanting to go into too much detail.
"Did somebody hurt her?" Sofia asks me and I give her a small smile. She is getting way to smart for her own good.
"Yes they did, but she is safe now. She has me and you to keep her safe."
"How do we keep her safe?" My daughter asks me curiously, her eyebrows furrowed at the thought.
"By showing her how much we love her, and giving her lots of cuddles. Doesn't that make you feel safe?"
"Yeah. I can give Melia cuddles." Sofia says with a smile, moving back to work on her project.
"I'm sure that'll make her very happy."
I don't know how I feel about Sofia seeing this side of Amelia. I try my best to keep all of the hurt in the world hidden away from her but there is only so much I can do. It's not that I'm ashamed of Amelia, the opposite even. I love every part of her, and I'm happy she is comfortable being herself, but that doesn't mean I want Sofia to be exposed to it. I think I did an okay job of explaining it, I just don't want Sofia to find out the truth and be influenced by it. I don't want her to think that it's a normal coping mechanism.
I'm going to have to talk to Amelia about this update, but I'm already worried about her as it is. With her unusual mood this morning, I'm concerned about how this could go badly. After some consideration I decide to wait until after I've made sure my girlfriend is okay before bringing up the potentially unnerving topic. The last thing I want is to cause problems for the person I have grown to love so much.
Almost as though she knows I'm thinking about her I hear my girlfriend arriving home. I hear the door click shut and then her shouting for Sofia. I follow my daughter through to the kitchen to see what the commotion is about.
"I bought you something. I saw it at the store." Amelia says pulling a stuffed unicorn plush toy out of one of the bags. Sofia takes it from Amelia, wrapping her arms around it, about to reply but Amelia interrupts. "It's not just any unicorn though Sof, this type is special see, if you undo the velcro you can take this bag out and put in the microwave. This way when you get belly ache you can warm it up on your own rather than getting help with a hot water bottle."
Sofia carefully follows Amelia's instructions, removing the bag from the inside of the unicorn. Amelia takes a quick look at the directions, telling my daughter to put it in for 1 minute and 30 seconds. When the timer beeps Sofia carefully puts the toy back together and her smile grows, taking over her face.
"Mom you have to feel this! It's so soft and warm!" She expresses with excitement bringing it over to me. Watching this interaction makes my heart swell in my chest.
"What do you say to Amelia?" I hint to my daughter.
"Thank you Melia! I love him. I'm gonna call him Steve!" She giggles bringing the biggest smile to all of our faces.
"What can I say? Steve is a perfect name for a pink fluffy unicorn." Amelia says, her voice filled with sarcasm but so much love at the same time.
Sofia takes her new toy to the couch, picking up where she left off with her work and I saunter toward my girlfriend wrapping my arms around her.
"I love you Amelia, so much." I whisper in her ear while we embrace and she nods her head, but I hear her swallow the lump in her throat. I feel her breath quiver a little against me, and I know she is crying, my worries about her multiplying in my mind but I'm grateful she is letting me be here for comfort. Knowing that Sofia is busy with her project, I take Amelia's hand and lead her to the bedroom where we can talk with a little privacy.
Instead of heading to sit on the bed, Amelia opts to sit on the floor, the way she used to after a breakdown. I move to sit next to her, again mimicking how I would comfort her all those months ago when we would find our self in this situation. I remove my leg knowing that it gets uncomfortable sitting on the floor before offering Amelia my hand.
"I fucked up Az, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I really didn't." Amelia mumbles, moulding my hand into different shapes, her breathing getting more and more erratic.
"Amelia, it's going to be okay. I promise. Whatever happened, we can work it out."
"You can't promise that. I broke my promise to you and I can't fix that." She sobs and I become even more confused.
"Amelia sweetie, you're going to have to give me a bit more information here, but you need to calm down first okay, you're going to make yourself ill. Can I come a little closer?" I ask carefully and she nods, but I can see her hesitation. "Deep breaths, you've got this." I instruct taking one and to put around her back, rubbing it up and down her upper arm for comfort, leaving my other hand for her to hold onto.
"I was stupid, wreckless even. I think she saw." Amelia manages to get out.
"What?"
"Sofia. I was so worried about her that I put shorts on that didn't cover all the cuts. I hadn't realised until I woke up wearing them. I think she saw, this morning get eyes kept flicking to my legs and I promised I would never hurt her. I can't believe I was so stupid. I uh, I understand if you want me to leave. " Amelia sobs and I pull her closer.
"I know. It's okay, you're not going anywhere." I say and Amelia's eyes look at me, glassy from the crying and I can see her pain.
"I've probably terrified her, or scarred her life."
"You haven't. She did see them, but she was more curious than scared. She was worried about you. I talked to her this morning." I explain softly, not pulling away for a moment, just staying by her side.
"I never wanted to expose her to any of this. You're the only person that knows about the cutting, other than Anne but that's different. I just can't believe I forgot to cover them. How are you so calm about this?" She asks me, and I wipe the tears from her face.
"Because I love you, and I know you didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not saying I like the idea of Sofia being exposed to this, but it was an accident. You totally forgot about the one thing that's been consuming your life out of love and concern for my daughter. You were worried for her safety and you forgot about yourself. That's maternal love, it's how it works."
"Oh my god, no. I'm not trying to be her Mom, I'm really not. I know she has you and Callie and I don't want to get in anybody's way."
"Hey, I meant it as a good thing. Sofia knows you're not her Mom, but she treats you as one. Just like you treat her as your own child. I love that you two get along so well, I wouldn't change it for the world." I reassure her, coming true about the things I have been noticing for the past few months.
Amelia and I stay sitting on the floor for what seems like an eternity. Her tears have gradually slowed, only a few rare tears escaping her eyes.
"Is Sofia seeing your scars why you left this morning?" I ask her carefully, still worried about what had happened earlier.
"A part of it. I just needed to process, I needed some space."
"Do you want to talk about it now?" I offer.
"Not really, if that's okay? I haven't figured out all my own thoughts and I'm not quite ready to try and talk about it. How did you explain the cuts to Sofia? "
"Of course you don't have to. I told her they were your battle scars and they show how strong you are, then she asked if somebody hurt you. I didn't want to lie to her so I said yes but didn't give any details, I just said hugs help you feel safe. Is that okay? "
"That's perfect actually. I'm still sorry I put you in that situation though, I should have been more careful."
"I know I said you didn't have to talk about it, I ask one question though?" I say, receiving a slight nod from my girlfriend. "You can have all the time in the world to work out your feelings, just, if there is anything I can do, could you just ask me? You don't even have to explain, even if you just need a hug, or to cry. Ask me?"
"Arizona, a hug sounds really good right now." Amelia responds and I wrap my arms around her. These are the exact words she said to me the first night she stayed here, all that time ago. Since then these moments have been a sacred part of our relationship, something I've grown to appreciate so much more.
"Thank you, Amelia. Thank you for talking to me."
Our peaceful moment is interrupted when my daughter knocks lightly on the door before entering. Upon seeing Amelia crying Sofia looks a little hesitant but makes her way over to sit with us. Sofia carefully sits next to Amelia, leaning into her side for a careful hug.
"Mom said hugs help when you're feeling sad." She explains and Amelia smiles, pulling her in a little closer.
"Your mom's right, hugs definitely help. Plus, I hear you're having a sleepover tonight to I have to make the most of your hugs now." My girlfriend replies and Sofia's face lights up for a moment but her smile quickly falls.
"What's the matter baby? You feeling okay?" I ask but she shakes her head.
"Do I have to sleep at Zola's tonight?"
"You don't have to, but you've been looking forward to this for days. What's changed?" I ask, carefully watching my daughters facial expressions for any hint of what is going through her mind.
"I don't want to have my period at Zola's. What if it hurts and I want you?" Sofia says solemnly, sighing a little at the thought.
"Well then you can call me and I'll come pick you up."
"And I don't know where stuff is in their bathroom? What if I can't find it?"
"Hey Sof, that's what I'm for. I used to live there so I know where everything is. I could show you when your mom drops you off if you want? We could even take Steve and I'll show you how to use the microwave incase you get a belly ache" Amelia explains kindly, Sofia still laid against her side.
"Okay. I'll try."
"I love you both so much." I express and Amelia smiles and gets up from the floor.
"Come on, let's head to the couch, I think snuggle time is in order with my two favourite ladies." She says as she holds out a hand to help me up. "And, I love you two too by the way."
So that's it. Here's the chapter. I was really anxious about posting this so reviews would very much be appreciated. Thanks for reading.