So the last chapter was pretty intense and as some of you pointed out, things are hard for Arizona too. I wanted to make that clear in this chapter. Just because Arizona is primarily supportive side and always seems so caring, it doesn't mean that she is perfect. Sometimes things can get too much for even the strongest of people. I hope I managed to capture that correctly. Enjoy :)
Amelia POV
I know Arizona is upset with me. She acted normal around Addison while we dropped her off at the airport, but there is something more happening. She hasn't really spoken to me much, only asking if I was okay when she got out of bed. Since then any attempt I have made to start a conversation with her has been shot down, blunt replies and one word answers. I've never seen her like this, she has always been so supportive and friendly. I hate the thought that I could have done something to cause this. I have work this afternoon and I can't go while we aren't talking. I would be distracted. Plus the plan is to get Sofia on the way home and it's very difficult to have proper discussions with a nine year old watching your every move.
After 20 minutes of unadulterated silence, I give in and say what I'm feeling. "Arizona, what is going on? Is this about what happened with Sofia yesterday? Because I still feel awful but you said it was fine." I ask, practically begging her to talk to me but the closest I get to a response is her hands gripping tighter onto the steering wheel. "Arizona please talk to me."
"It's not about Sofia." I get back bluntly.
"Arizona stop the car." I say abruptly, the words coming out harsher than I intended but I don't correct myself.
"What do you mean? No I'm not stopping the car."
"There is a parking lot coming up. Pull over so we can't talk this out. You can yell at me, scream as much as you want but I've clearly done something awful and I don't want Sofia to be around while we fight. Pull over." I insist once more and thankfully she does." Thank you. Now what the hell is going on?"
"I don't need to yell at you. I'm just pissed. I need you to let me be pissed." My girlfriend says, not moving her head in the slightest.
"You're allowed to be pissed but can you at least tell me what I did to deserve it?"
"Meredith is my friend."
"I know she is. What does that have to do with anything?"
"We have gone through so much together, but after the plane crash, we were closer. Mark and Lexie were dead. Then Cristina went to Switzerland, then Derek died. Meredith and I are the only survivors left at the hospital. We made a promise to always look out for each other. "
It's rare that Arizona talks about the plane crash, I know she said it makes her nightmares worse. When I try to bring it up she tries to answer my questions but soon changes the topic, moving it away from the bad memories. It's strange to hear her talking openly about what happened.
"What does this have to do with why you're mad at me?" I ask, my tone my softer than previously. I am still trying to string together the events of the day. Instead of replying Arizona just passes me her phone open on messages. There are dozens of messages from Mer, she is begging Arizona to make me talk to her. Arizona had replied to a few messages into the exchange, but since then the messages were getting more needy. The final message in the correspondence was the one that made me realise the true extent of what I had caused.
"Arizona we promised after the plane crash we would always do what's best for each other. Please stop ignoring me, I want to speak to my sister."
"Arizona, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause a problem for you or her." I say quietly, disappointed that I managed to cause this level of upset.
"I know. I love you Amelia, and I always try to fight for you, but I can't let that affect my friendship with your sister. She is the only one left who can understand the hell that I went through." Arizona replies and I can see her anger melting away into sadness. A part of me wants to feel hurt that she talks to Meredith about things she hasn't told me about, but I understand why. Some thoughts are too dark to talk about.
"I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't think before speaking. It just happened."
"I know. I just, you kept this from Meredith for such a long time. She is hurt you didn't share this with her. You owe her an explanation, you don't have to say much, but let her know you're okay. She deserves that much."
"I'll talk to her. Could you make sure the kids don't set the house on fire while I do?"
"Okay." She responds simply, wiping her eye before tears manage to fall.
"Do you know how long you're going to be mad at me?" I ask, trying to fully understand the situation. This is the first time we have ever had a fight.
"It's too soon to tell."
"Does it help if I tell you how much I love you?" I try, knowing the line is cheesy but hoping it'll help.
"It definitely doesn't hurt."
"I love you so much, I can't even comprehend a world where I don't have you anymore. You're everything to me, I can't even begin to express how much I love you."
"I love you too, I just need time. Can I drive now?"
"Yeah, sorry."
When we get to Meredith's my heart is beating too fast for me to count, all I can do is keep breathing and try to prevent a panic attack. I really don't want to be entering this situation right now but I know I have to do this, I have to get through it for Arizona. She has been by my side since day one, always standing in my corner and fighting for me, and I was stupid enough to not only risk my relationship with my sister, but also Arizona and Mer's relationship. Fixing this is the least she deserves.
Arizona hasn't left the car yet, we both just sit in silence while I build up the courage to get out and deal with the situation I unintentionally created.
"Az, I know you're mad at me, and you get to have all your feelings, but I'm really scared." I start, my voice shaking but I manage to continue. "Can I at least have a hug before we go in?" Despite the utter lack of verbal response, she opens her arms and I awkwardly lean across the gap between the car seats. I hold her close for a few moments before she pushes me away.
"Now you've got to deal with all this." I just nod and shake off the fear of talking about this alone for the first time.
I don't knock on the door, it seems stupid to delay the inevitable, plus I have a key even if the door were locked, which it wasn't. Zola runs and jumps into my arms giving me the hug I really needed. I don't want to put her down, I would rather hold my niece for all eternity but I know I have to do this. When I put Zola I see Meredith standing in the doorway. She looks tired, I don't blame her. From the quick glance I got at Arizona's messages I don't think she slept much last night.
"Can we go somewhere quiet to talk?" I ask timidly, wanting to get straight to the point to avoid any small talk but instead she wraps her arms around my body.
"Are you okay?" She asks subtly, still holding me tight. I can't quite formulate a response, Meredith has never been a lover of hugs and this is just an unexpected situation. Although I'm not quite comfortable with this amount of contact but it is clear to me that this is something Meredith needs to do.
"Can we just go somewhere to talk? I know you have questions and I just want to get it over with."
"Let's go upstairs."
Meredith leads me into her bedroom, I haven't been here in such a long time. At first it just reminded me too much of Derek, I still went up to put washing away but never for long. Then after moving out, I never had a reason to come here. I glance around the room, looking at the tumour drawing, a set of Derek's cufflinks on the dresser, the post it note vows still framed on the wall and then I look to Meredith who is sat on the edge of the bed.
"He didn't know."
"What?"
"Derek, I never told him. He didn't know."
"I'm not going to make you talk about it if you don't want to. I just needed to know you were okay." Meredith says kindly and I move to sit next to her on the bed.
"It's okay. I didn't plan on telling you yesterday, maybe subconsciously I wanted you to know, I'm not sure. But you know now so no point ignoring it." I say honestly, and despite the nerves I'm feeling, I feel safe. In this room I feel Derek around me, he lives on in here. There has never been a time in my life when I didn't feel safe with him around. It feels good to feel him near.
"When did it happen?" Meredith starts and I take a deep breath, getting ready for the conversing to begin.
"Yesterday was the 20th anniversary, I know it's not really an excuse, but my guards were down hence the sudden reveal. I am sorry about that but the way, it was insensitive and I was stupid."
"You're not stupid Amelia." Meredith says, placing a hand and my leg but I flinch away.
"Could you just, not touch me please. I'm okay, I just need space, not from you, just the memories I…"
"It's okay. I get it. Do you want me to get Arizona?"
"No. I'll be okay, she's still kinda mad at me anyway.
"Why is she mad at you?"
"About how I handled yesterday. She didn't want to choose between us. You were messaging and I was kinda having a breakdown, I just shouldn't have put her in this situation."
"I'm sorry if I made it worse." Meredith says sheepishly but I shake my head.
"Don't be. You were just looking out for me."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"Do you remember months ago, when you had that huge breakdown in the bathroom and I had to call Arizona in the middle of the night. You said it was nightmares, were they about, y'know?"
"My attack? Yeah."
"Have you thought about getting help for the nightmares?"
"I'm going to therapy. Arizona convinced me to start going a few months ago. I'm not loving it but I'm trying, I want to get better so…"
"That's good."
The rooms has been silent for several moments, and I know Meredith still has lots of questions.
"I was drugged at a party, I think somebody must have spiked my drink. Its like I remember what happened but I couldn't move my body, I'm guessing it was a paralytic drug. I felt ill so I started to walk home, I didn't get very far before he grabbed me. After a while I must have blacked out, because when I woke it was morning and I got home as quick as I could. I went to the hospital anonymously and never told anybody else, not until Arizona found out last year. I'm not ready to go into all the details, but if you have questions, I can try to answer." I feel bad for keeping this from Meredith for so long, but talking about it isn't as painful as it was with Addison. Maybe it's because I'm not going into as much detail, or because Addison has known me much longer. I'm not sure but I'm grateful nonetheless.
"Did you know him?" This question is a new one to me, nobody else has asked this before.
"No. He was older than I was, maybe mid 20s. I don't even know if it was him who spiked my drink or if it was someone else."
"You were a minor, you shouldn't have been able to get treated anonymously?"
"I told them I was 18 and paid out of my college savings. I didn't want my mom to find out so it felt like the only option at the time. It was the ER doctor that prescribed me oxy for the first time." I say shakily, trying my upmost not to cry or panic.
"Amelia we should stop. You're clearly not comfortable talking about this. I'm glad you felt like you can trust me but this isn't necessary. I just needed to know you were okay, that you weren't using again, or in danger." Meredith says reaching her hand out to put it gently on top of my own. I resist the urge to pull my hand away and just nod.
"Thank you. I ehm, I know you and Arizona are friends, and I would never do anything to change that, but could you not talk to her about this? I know she already knows everything, but it's my past y'know, if you have questions you can ask me."
"Of course, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry I freaked out yesterday. Before Derek went to DC, he was worried about leaving you here, he made me promise to look out for you. When you told me yesterday, I just felt like I'd failed him."
"You didn't fail him Mer. I can't count how many times you've helped without even knowing what you've done."
"I don't know what that means but I'm glad I helped, even if I didn't know what was happening."
"Can I ask you a question now?"
"Sure."
"Did you really date Derek and a vet at the same time, and then ask Addison for advice on which to choose?"
The rest of the day passes fairly smoothly. Arizona still isn't talking to me that much but I know we are going to be okay. I know we can work through this. I plan to make her dinner tonight, and keeping trying to prove that I'm sorry.
"Melia, are you and Mom in a fight?" Sofia asks quietly as she enters the room.
"What do you mean baby?"
"Mom is crying in her room, and she didn't talk to you on the way home." Sofia explains and I feel guilt building in the pit of my stomach.
"Yeah, I think we are in a bit of a fight but it's going to be okay. I didn't want to make your mom sad and I'm trying my hardest to make her feel better."
"Are you going to leave like Mama did?" She asks with tears burning in her eyes.
"No baby. I'm not leaving, I love you and your mom too much to leave."
"Then why are you fighting?"
"Sometimes it's good for grownups to fight a little. It's not healthy if we keep all our feelings buried, sometimes a little fight helps get the frustrations out so it can make our love stronger. Does that make sense?"
"Like a broken bone. Mama says when you break a bone and it heals to be even stronger than it was before?" Callie must have been teaching her about bones, and Sofia is right, it's the perfect analogy for the current situation.
"Exactly like that. You're getting too smart monkey. I'm going to go see if I can make your mom a bit happier. Do you have any homework to do?"
"Yeah but it's too difficult."
"Well why don't you have a try and if you're still stuck in a bit I'll come and help you, okay?"
I make my way to our bedroom, knocking lightly on the door before opening it.
"Arizona? Sofia said you were crying." I say owing my head wind the door, seeing her wipe her eyes quickly with the back of her hands.
"I'm sorry, I just need a bit of space."
"I know. I tried to leave you here as long as I could but Sofia just asked me if I was going to leave like Callie did." I explain which gets Arizona's attention.
"What did you say?"
"That I love you both too much to leave. And that sometimes fighting is a good thing because it let's us get our frustrations out so we can make our relationship stronger."
"That's a really good way of explaining it. I love you too much to leave too."
"I talked to Meredith. I mean, I didn't tell her the details but she knows the basics. She said she promised Derek she would look out for me, that's why she was so upset." I admit fumbling with my thumbs not knowing what to do with myself.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to Amelia. I know you'll have said what you think is right."
"I know I don't have to, but I would like to. Our relationship is built on trust and honesty. I don't want to break that."
"Okay."
"I also asked her not to talk about it with you, it's not that I don't trust you, I do, more than I trust myself most days. It's just that it's my past. It's my story to tell, so I'm going to ask you the same thing."
"Of course I won't talk about it if you don't want me to."
"Thank you. Are you still mad at me?" I ask sitting down on the edge of the bed, not too close but enough to show I'm not going anywhere.
"No, I think I'm done being mad."
"Good, because I'm making us dinner. Care to join me and our daughter in the living room for a good old Disney movie first?"
"Our daughter?" Arizona questions and I suddenly realise the enormity of what I have just said.
"I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't be sorry. It's perfect. Come here." she says and I lean towards her. Soft fingers cup my cheeks as she pulls me in for a gentle kiss. Her tongue runs across my bottom lip begging for access, which I soon grant. The kiss keeps seeming to get deeper and I feel her moan into my mouth. "I love you."
"I love you too, but we are going to have to finish this later, our daughter is waiting for us."
"I'll look forward to it."