Amelia POV
I'm sat alone in our apartment. Arizona has left to take Sofia to school, it shouldn't be long until she is back and then I have a therapy appointment. I sit staring at the diary that we had purchased, the thought diary my therapist had asked me to create and I think about the empty pages. I know what I'm supposed to be writing about, but I can't find the words. Writing has never been my strong suit, neither is expressing my emotions. Anne asked me to write 4 or 5 things I had done each day and how I felt when I did them, but I just can't seem to find where to start. I know it's supposed to help me in some way, but I can't seem to put thoughts down, I've hidden how I have felt for so long I wouldn't know where to start, how to start.
At some point while I have been lost in thought, Arizona has arrived home. She moves to sit next to me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder.
"You okay?" She asks softly, not pushing to hard to start a conversation but giving me the option to do if I want to.
"I haven't written anything in it." I explain picking up the diary.
"We have an hour before we leave if you still want to." Arizona suggests but I shake my head.
"It's not that I don't want to. I just can't"
"Why not?"
"I'm not good at putting my feelings into words. I just can't do it. I try but I can't. I don't know how. I've never been good at it."
"It doesn't matter if it isn't good. It's not like it's going to be graded or anything. Just a couple of sentences about what you did and how you felt."
"Az, I can't. I'm not lying, I just can't. Writing about my problems, it's just not who I am." I explain further and I can feel tears burning in my eyes.
"Hey it's okay. It's okay." Arizona says realising how much stress this is actually causing me. Instead she gives me her hand and I take it, holding it tight between my own.
I feel stupid. I know it's not that hard, I just can't seem to put the words on paper. I should be able to, but my brain just won't let me.
"I have a suggestion, if your willing to try it." My girlfriend suggests and I look towards her, nodding to tell her to continue. "Can I have the diary?" she continues and I pass it to her. She picks up the pen from the table and starts drawing lines. She has divided the day into four sections, evenly spaced and she gives me the book back.
"Am I supposed to understand what this means?" I ask her, genuinely confused about what is happening.
"Do you have your backpack?" Arizona asks me and I am even more confused, but I bring the bag of my art supplies into the space between our legs on the floor. "Can I go in the bag?" Arizona asks carefully, knowing that some of the stuff in there is stuff she hasn't seen before but I nod. I trust her. Instead of the sketchbooks, she pulls out my sketching pencils. "Draw four things you did yesterday. They don't have to be amazing, but I mean, knowing your secret skills they probably will be."
"What?"
"You said you don't write about your feelings because you don't know how to get the words out. You're right, you don't write about your feelings. That's not who you are. You're you, and you process through art, so draw four simple pictures of yesterday." Arizona explains, simply and I nod, not entirely sure how I feel about the idea but willing to try. It's going to be easier than writing, that's for sure.
I take my time, thinking back to yesterday, thinking back to what I could write, well, draw about. When I woke up I didn't do much, I just sat awake on my phone, waiting for Arizona to wake up too. I guess I could draw that, it is do-able. After that, we ate breakfast together as a family. Sofia told us all about her book that she had recently finished. She was so excited about how it ended and requested the sequel for her birthday. I draw Sofia sat at the kitchen table with her bowl of cereal and the book placed next to it. Then I start thinking about work, I had a patient who died on the table. It wasn't my fault, or the patients. He threw a clot in the middle of surgery. I tried to remove it but it was too late. I decide to draw this man's brain. I draw the tumour that he had come in to get removed, and the clot that had killed him. I check the clock, realising that we don't have long before we need to leave so I do a quick sketch of Arizona before grabbing the diary and running to get my shoes on.
The drive to therapy isn't as stressful as it was when I first started going. The car journey is quiet but comfortable. It's not like I enjoy the sessions or anything, I just don't hate it anymore. It hurts to talk about the past, but not as much as it used to. I want to get better, I want that pain to keep fading.
"Are you working this afternoon?" I ask Arizona as I was pulling the car into the parking lot.
"Nope, I'm free. Alex asked if we could swap shifts, why?"
"How would you feel if I asked Mer to watch Sofia for the evening?"
"Well I had no plans, but why? What are you thinking?"
"Date night. We haven't had one in quite a while. I know we aren't a regular couple and don't do date nights like other people but I thought it would be nice and now I'm rambling. Great, I must sound like an idiot."
"But you're my idiot. A date night sounds perfect, what exactly did you have in mind?" Arizona asks with a small grin, I can see her internally laughing at my rambling
"That's for me to know and you to find out. But dress nice. Not too nice, but niceish."
"Okay. Sounds good. Do you think you should wait until after your session to ask your sister to watch Sofia? Just incase." Arizona asks, changing the topic a little.
"I will, don't worry. But I think I'll be fine."
"I'm glad to hear it. Should we head in?"
We skip the formal introductions. I told Anne a few weeks ago that they make me feel uncomfortable so she has scrapped the process completely. We enter sit down, say hi but no more introductions, we just jump in to the therapy stuff.
"So Amelia, how are you doing today?" She begins.
"Good. It's a good day." I say with a smile.
"And why is that? What makes today good?"
"I erm, I've actually been thinking, would you mind going outside for this conversation?" I ask Arizona and she gives me a concerned glance. "It's not that I'm hiding anything, I want you to come back in a few minutes, but it's a light topic. I think I could do it on my own. I want to try."
"Of course." Arizona says getting up to leave.
"I'll tell you when I want you to come back. I don't want to be alone for long."
"Amelia, I'm so proud of you." Arizona says with tears in her eyes before closing the door to wait outside.
"That was a brave thing for you to do Amelia. Was there any particular reason you decided now was the time to go solo?" Anne asks and I feel slightly more tense than I did with Arizona in the room but I shake it off.
"It's like I told Arizona. It's an easy conversation and I want to try. She keeps trying to arrange her work shifts around me and I thought an easy conversation would be the first step in trying sessions on my own. I'm not ready for that yet. But I'm ready to start trying." I explain as best I can and she just smiles and nods.
"So, why was today a good day?"
"Well for starters, I haven't cut in a week. I know that's nothing huge, but it's been several years since I've gone that long."
"And?"
"And last night was the first night in 20 years I've gone a full night sober and not had a nightmare."
"Wow, that's big news. How does it make you feel?" Anne follows up.
"I mean, I'm obviously happy about it. I think it's a new start. I haven't told Arizona yet, but we are going on a date tonight. I'm going to tell her then."
"Why do you feel the need to take her out to tell her this?" Anne asks and I take a moment to think about my response.
"I guess it gives me time to think." I start and Anne raises an eyebrow, hinting for me to continue. "And it's because of her. I've been slowly getting better, and it's because of her, everything she has done for me. I feel the need to give back, I don't want this to be a one way relationship."
"I see why you might think that, but this isn't a one way relationship. I see you two together. You make her happy too."
"I know. But still it's a reason to celebrate. I know it likely won't last, I'm sure to have many more nightmares, and that scares me but it's a start."
"It is. And I'm happy for you. Fear is normal, and you're right, the likelihood is you have many nightmares ahead of you, but you can get passed them, I have no doubt about that."
"Thank you." I say fumbling with my hands, not sure where to go from here.
"Do you want to invite Arizona back in?"The doctor asks, clearly sensing my increasing anxiety.
"Yes, please."
We continue the session by talking about the last week. I tell her about the situation with Zola and the nightmare. We talk about it for quite a while before Anne asks a question.
"Have you tried the diary technique I suggested?"
"Kindof. I had a few issues with it, and by few I mean many. I erm, well, Arizona had an idea of how to make it easier so I've only done one day and it's not exactly what you asked but it's something."
"What do you mean? What was the idea? I'm a little lost." Anne explains and I pass her the book.
"I have never been able to put my feelings into words, I think that's part of the reason it took me so long to get into therapy." I explain and look to Arizona.
"Amelia processes through art. Whenever she has complicated feelings she draws them. I suggested instead of writing 4 things that she had done in that day, that she draws 4 sketches in the diary. I hope that's okay with you." Arizona continues for me. I watch Anne open the book and take in the images in front of her.
"This is impressive, how long did this take?"
"About an hour for all 4. Not that long really."
"Can you tell me about them?"
"The first is just me on my phone in bed. I was awake first so I just sat on my phone for a while. The girl in the second image is Sofia, Arizona's daughter. She was eating breakfast and trying to tell us the full plot of the book she just finished."
"And the third and fourth?"
"The third is a patient's brain. I can't say too much, doctor patient confidentiality and all but he died on the table, I couldn't save him. And well, Arizona is the fourth. She made me feel better despite having a crappy day at work."
"Can you elaborate on how you felt when your patient died?" Anne asks and I shrug.
"Angry, disappointed, I don't know." I respond quietly, struggling to formulate the words that correctly describe my feelings.
"And you said Arizona made you feel better. How did she make you feel?"
"Safe."
The therapist nods and writes something down quickly before closing her notebook and looking up to me.
"Amelia, when you first started these sessions I said sometimes I may have questions that require immediate answers. I have one of those questions, so just try your best to answer. Is that okay?" I'm not sure what I said but I take Arizona's hand in my own, gripping it tight before nodding my head.
"Okay."
"You have just said Arizona makes you feel safe. Why did you feel unsafe before? Please be honest, this is important." Arizona traces her thumb on the back of my hand not letting go, just reminding me that she is here.
"I'm not actually in danger or anything. When I have a bad day at work, I often have more cravings for drugs, or to hurt myself, or both. Seeing Arizona helps me realise I'm not alone and I have other coping mechanisms. She saves me from myself." I explain further, trying my best to properly articulate the way I felt.
"You know, I understand what you're saying, and I know you see Arizona as the person who is helping you, but I think you underestimate how much you have done to help yourself."
"I'm not following." I tell Anne and she tries again to explain.
"By choosing to ask for help, by going to Arizona, you're helping yourself. You chose to trust her and allow her to be there for you. So any major strides in your recovery are down to you as well as Arizona."
"I guess I didn't really think of it that way."
"That's why I'm here, it's my job to point things out. Anyway, back to your diary, it is more than okay for you to draw what you did rather than write, but I do have a request, am I okay to draw in here?" She asks and I nod giving permission, not entirely sure what she is doing. She draws the same cross Arizona did but adds a smaller box in the bottom of each quadrant. "I want you to draw your picture of the thing you did, then write one adjective to describe how you felt when doing it. Just a single word, like you said 'disappointed' when your patient died, or 'safe' for the image of Arizona. Do you think you could do that?"
"I could try."
Normally when you go out on a date, one person picks the other up and it's full of awkward silences and romantic tension, but when you live with and very much love the person your going on the date with all of that changes. You can get ready together, talking about life in general, thinking more about what fun you can get up to after the date than the date itself. Arizona and I don't really do dates, at least, not often. Because of our unusual circumstances of how we became friends then something more, and my panic attacks and emotional breakdowns, It just didn't work out. Sure we had the occasional date, and I took Arizona out for her birthday last year, things like that, but this is our first date date, like celebration date and she doesn't even realise it. I picked an Italian restaurant I've been to a couple of times before. It's not too posh, but fancy enough for us to dress up nicely.
Arizona walks into our bedroom as I'm making a few adjustments to my outfit.
"Amelia, you look amazing,stunning even, I've never seen you in a dress before." My girlfriend says as she walks over to me, her mouth slightly agape.
"The last time I wore a dress was a little over 7 years ago. Let's just say it didn't end well."
"Tell me about it." Arizona says sincerely, talking my hand and leading me to sit next to the bed.
"It was about 8 months after Christopher, so over a year since Ryan had died. A new ER doc came to work at the hospital, to take over from Pete, my friend whose funeral was the day Mark died. On his first day on the job he caught something I had missed, then he gave me credit for the catch. It was an attempt at flirting on his behalf. He kept flirting for weeks, I refused to call him by his first name because it annoyed him. He was cute, I liked him, I just thought it was too soon. Anyway, things started slow and I got impatient. I wanted things to be over with, I wanted sex. After being fine having sex with Ryan, I thought I would be fine and just wanted to get it over with. Anyway, I put on a dress, dark green, elegant and was about to go out when he turned up at my door. We didn't even leave the apartment, kissing turned into more and when we got to the bedroom he toppled on top of me. I panicked a little but I was okay until started to unzip my dress and he complimented me. "
"What happened?"
"It was the phrase he used, it was the last thing Ryan had said to me before he died. I had a full blown panic attack and locked him out of my room." I finish and Arizona begins to put the pieces together.
"James?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry if that was too much detail, you didn't need to know about my past relationships."
"I've told you before, your past doesn't define you. I don't mind knowing or not knowing. As long as you know that whatever you share stays between us." Arizona says openly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I love you." I tell her honestly, kissing her quickly before getting up to finish my make up.
"I love you too, but if you're uncomfortable wearing dresses you do realise you don't have to wear one for me right? I'll love you whatever you're wearing."
"I know. I just wanted to try something new. I'll be okay."
When we arrive at the restaurant I keep Arizona's hand in my own, for no other reason than wanting to be by her side, not knowing or caring who could be watching. We see seated in a quiet area, but I can see a queue building at the door and I want to give Arizona my news while it's quiet.
"Y'know when I asked you to leave my appointment this morning, I lied, I was keeping something from you, but it was a good thing. It's why I wanted a date night." I tell Arizona and I see a variety of expressions cross her face.
"Okay I'm intrigued. What is this secret you are keeping from me?" My girlfriends asks, feigning offence at the concept of me not telling her.
"It's nothing that big really, but I uh, it's been many years since I've gone over a week without cutting, and then something happened last night."
"I'm confused."
"For the first time in 20 years, I was sober and went a full night without a nightmare. As I said it's not huge but it felt like-" I try to say but Arizona has stood up and pulled me in for a hug, not letting me go.
"Amy this is huge." She whispers in my ear. "I'm so proud of everything you've done."
"It's because of you. I wanted to take you on a date to say thank you."
"I love you so much. You're amazing."
"I know it won't last, and I know I still have many nightmares to overcome, but this is a start. I feel like I'm actually getting better."
"You are getting better. You're working so hard and it's paying off. You deserve this Amy. You deserve a break from everything life is throwing at you. You deserve to be happy."
"I am happy. You make me happy. You see me for who I am, not my past. It makes me feel human again. You make me feel more like me."