When I wake up, it's to the sound of our alarm. Arizona rolls over to mute the sound and I roll over to lay in her arms, resting my head against her chest.
"G'morning." I grunt, closing my eyes to rest my head. I feel Arizona's arms wrap around my body, signalling that she is awake.
"Morning. How'd you sleep?"
"Good. You're comfy." I explain, nestling my head into her body.
"As much as I love your sleepy snuggles, I need to go in the shower." Arizona explains, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"Yeah. You smell of sex." I laugh lightly, but don't move to let her up.
"Hm, I believe that is your fault. Can you wake Sof while I shower?"
"Kay."
"You know you have to move to wake her up right?" My girlfriend jokes sarcastically and I sit up.
"Okay, I'm up. You want breakfast making?"
"I'll make toast when I've showered. Go wake our daughter." Arizona instructs. 'Our daughter'. I'll never get tired of hearing that.
I plant a quick kiss on Arizona's lips before climbing out of our bed and throwing on some clothes to wake Sofia. Although she has accidentally seen the scars before, I make sure to wear longer pants so she doesn't see them again. It's something Arizona and I discussed, although she wasn't mad that Sofia saw them, out of sight tends to be out of mind for children, and it's not something we want on the top of her mind.
I saunter through to our daughters room, sticking my head into the darkness to see her still out like a light. I make my way to the sit on the edge of her bed and place a hand on her upper arm.
"Sofia baby, time to get up. You have school soon."
"Mornin' Amy." The young girl says, bleary eyes beginning to open.
"Good morning sweet girl. Get yourself dressed and come through to the kitchen for breakfast. Your Mom is in the shower." I state simply, stoking her eyes out of her face.
"Okay. Can I have fruit loops?" She asks, her voice still husky from her recent slumber.
"Sure thing, I'll get them out for you. Don't take too long okay?"
"Okay."
I head through to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee knowing Arizona will be grateful for the caffeine boost before getting the cereal out for Sofia.
Last nights activities are still on my mind, knowing that we will soon after dropping Sofia at school we will be back in bed and stripped of our clothes. I'm a little scared, I've never used any sort of sex toys before, so this is definitely a first experience, but I trust Arizona. Still, I find myself a little jumpy at the thought so I push it from my mind and focus on making breakfast for now.
It doesn't take long for Arizona and Sofia to join me in the kitchen, the three of us sat around the table. It's something we try to do every day, at least, whenever Arizona and I are both off work. It gives us time to talk, and to have our own little family bonding time. It's strange to think that over the last year and a half I've gone from living with my dead brothers wife and her family, to living with my girlfriend, and our 9 year old (soon to be 10 year old) daughter.
"Mom, is Amy Coming to my parents evening with you next week?" Sofia asks Arizona and I flick my head to my girlfriend. This isn't something we have really spoken about. Sure, I help Sof with her homework sometimes and basically coparent her, but we haven't spoken about her school situation. Although I have permission to pick her up at school and am on the school records as a secondary contact after Arizona, we haven't spoken about school events.
"I don't know. Do you want Amy to come to your parents evening?" Arizona asks Sofia and I get up, moving to pour myself coffee, not wanting my proximity to influence Sofia's decision. I wouldn't be upset if she said no. To both Arizona and I's surprise, Sofia replies that yes, she would like me to attend. Apparently she has been telling her art teacher that I've been helping her and she wants to introduce us.
"I just have to check if I'm at work okay kiddo?" I respond to which Arizona gives me a strange glance but I don't say anything.
Once Sofia has left the room to brush her teeth, I pull Arizona to the side.
"I'm not at work, I just wanted to make sure you're okay with me coming too. I don't want step on your toes with the whole parenting angle."
"Amelia, of course you're allowed to come. You're her 'Amy' now and we wouldn't want it any other way." Arizona reassures me, and I smile at the phrase 'her Amy', it makes me think of the day we agreed on the nickname as she viewed me as a mother figure but already had two mom's.
"You sure?" I double check.
"I'm positive. You coming to drop her off at school with me?"
"Sure, I just need 5 minutes to shower and throw clothes on."
Although I don't like my body, when Arizona looks at me, when she makes love to me, a part of me truly believes I'm worth loving. When I look at my body I see scars and stretch marks. I see a body that is too ruined to be loved, but when Arizona looks at me, I see the love in her eyes. I see how much she loves me.
Our love making progresses slowly, clothing is removed and Arizona caressing my every imperfection, showing me how much she cares. I keep my hands on the back of her neck, pulling her in for small kisses every now and again. Arizona is careful, making sure to stay gentle with every move.
"So you still want me to use the glove?" Arizona asks me and I swallow the lump in my throat.
"Yeah, I'm just nervous I guess, just go slow?" I request shakily, at which my girlfriend gracefully agrees.
She begins to kiss her way down my body. I allow her to give me this attention, but as she descends lower, I move my hands to guide her back up towards me. "I need you here please." I admit, my voice a little more desperate than I'd like to admit. She quickly understands my plea, and moves her attention back up to my lips. "Better?" She asks caringly, her body hovering over my own as I nod. Arizona takes my lips in her own once again, kissing gently, swiping her tongue across my bottom lip asking for access which I quickly allow.
It doesn't take long for Arizona's hands to begin to wander again. She has the toy on her hand, but it isn't turned on. It feels weird, the glove is a silicone material so it feels oddly clinical. Her breasts brush against my own and my chest rises in response, I try to focus on this rather than her hands movements. Her fingers circle my clit and I fall back, grasping at the sheets and feeling the pleasure she is offering, but still tense at the thought of what is happening. I can feel the dampness pooling between my legs, something Arizona notices too and she turns on the vibrating equipment. The feeling is unusual, my body is responding even quicker than before, and I can't seem to control it. I keep my breathing slow and try to allow myself to stay still, to receive the pleasure my amazing girlfriend is offering. Arizona waits for a while before moving her hand away from my sensitive bundle of nerves and lines her fingers up with my entrance and slowly pushes them into me.
My body jerks at the intrusion and my heart begins to pound in my chest. "Stop. Please." I beg and she immediately turns the equipment off and removes her fingers from inside me. I hear her saying my name, asking if I'm okay but I can't respond for the panic building inside of me is too much. I don't notice the tears that had built up until I feel them falling down my face.
"I'm sorry. I can't. I'm sorry" I tell Arizona, pulling the blankets up over myself. As I sit up against the headboard of the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest as I give in to the sobs.
I clench my fists, I can feel my nails digging into my hands but I keep squeaking, trying to distract myself from all the thoughts racing around my head.
"Amelia, I need you to listen to my voice okay? It's just me and you're safe, I promise. I love you and you're okay. You're safe. I'm not going anywhere. Just keep breathing." Arizona instructs, I can tell she is scared for me, but I can't help her right now. I just need to keep myself together to avoid a full blown panic attack.
"I tried to like it, I really tried, I'm sorry." I stammer, struggling to form words.
"Look at me." Arizona instructs and I lift my head from my knees to look in her eyes. "You don't need to apologise. You needed to stop, so we stopped. It's okay." Arizona tries to reaffirm. She places a hand lightly on my arm so show me she is there.
"I was scared. I wanted to like it. I tried but I, I can't. I'm sorry I tried."
"I know. It's okay. It's okay." Arizona reassures, carefully wrapping her arms around my shaking body. I rest my head on her chest, listening to her heart and feeling her steady breath and I try to breathe.
Arizona POV
Once Amelia's breathing has returned to an almost regular rhythm, I climb out of bed, throw on some panties and a baggy top and get my girlfriend some comfy clothes. She is still curled up in a ball and isn't communicating fully and I'm worried about her. We went too far, I just hope she can recover from this. I take her clothes to the bed, passing them toward her and she smiles quickly at me. I can tell the smile was fake but she is trying.
"Could you uh, turn around while I put these on?" Amelia asks me in the smallest voice. I have seen her naked too many times to count but I respect her privacy and do as she asks.
After a few moments Amelia gives me permission to turn back around so I relocate to the bed, close enough to offer comfort but not touching her, leaving the physical aspect in her control. "I'm sorry if I went too fast, I really didn't mean to hurt you." I tell Amelia, carefully watching all of her responses. "Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?" I follow up. I reach my hand out in case she wants to take it like she used to so often. She doesn't respond for a moment and I can see her thinking. I'm worried that she isn't going to trust me again after this. Just as I'm giving up, presuming I'm not going to get any form of response, Amelia shuffles slightly closer to me and wraps her arms tightly around my torso, holding my closer than I've ever been held before. I immediately hug her back, careful not to squeeze too tightly, not wanting her to feel trapped but I wrap one arm around her body, my hand resting in the centre of her back and the other on the back of her head, gently stroking her hair. "I love you Amelia, so much." I express unsure what else to say. I feel her nod slightly but don't get a verbal response so we just hold our positions.
I'm unsure how long we remain in this position when Amelia pulls out of the embrace. "Are you okay?" I ask her, mentally cursing myself for using this phrase. Of course she isn't okay, I know that already.
"I'm going to the bathroom."
"Are you going to-?"
"No. I just need to pee." Amelia responds bluntly, before I have the chance to finish my question. She keeps her arms wrapped around her body, almost as though she is trying to protect her self, hold herself for comfort. I let her leave, resisting all urges to follow her and hoping she is telling the truth and that she doesn't intend to hurt herself. I don't want to push things too far, I know she is feeling vulnerable and scared right now, and I don't want to give her any reason to push me away further.
I take the few minutes that Amelia is away to pick up the clothes from our floor and make the bed. I put some sweatpants on, realising that I'm just wearing my panties on my lower half. I take the sex toy that had been thrown to the floor and put it in my bedside table rather than back with the others. I understand it needs to be cleaned, to be sanitised, but Amelia is in the bathroom and I don't want her to see it and risk triggering another panic attack.
When she walks back into our room, I'm stood by the chest of draws in our bedroom. She walks towards me, taking my hand in her own and leading me to sit on the bed. I stay quiet, waiting for her to talk, or move, or show me what she needs. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me like that."
"It's okay. As soon as you ask to stop, we stop. Nothing to be ashamed of." I reassure, squeezing her hand lightly to let her know I'm not leaving.
"I know. I just…" Amelia trails off, wiping the stray tears from her eyes.
"You just what?" I prompt for her to continue.
"It was harder than I thought, to ask you to stop. When I panic, my voice just stops and I just, I couldn't find the words."
"I'm sorry. I didn't think about that. I hate that I hurt you."
"You didn't, not really. I wanted to try. I wanted to like it, I tried to like it."
"Look at me." I instruct "You don't have to try to like anything. You either like something or you don't, both are totally fine. You don't try to like something that you don't like, just because I enjoy it." I explain clearly, moving one arm around her back, holding her closer to me but not too tightly.
"I didn't want to worry you." Her voice is shaking, but she turns to look at me and I rub my hand up and down her arm.
"It's my job as your girlfriend to worry about you."I say honestly.
"I just want to be normal."
"Having different likes and dislikes is normal Amelia, it's so normal. It's a part of being human."
"I just want to make you happy." She sobs into our embrace and I feel my body try to crumble. She is hurting because she wanted to please me.
"You make me so happy Amelia. Every single day. I love you so much, I just don't want to see you hurting." I explain and she nods.
"I'm sorry. I love you too."
We move from the bedroom to the living room, Amelia is laid in my arms with a sketchbook and is casually drawing something. She is still very quiet, but is accepting comfort. I place a kiss lightly on her head and she closes the book and turns to look at me.
"It wasn't your fault Arizona." Amelia states, and I give a small nod.
"I should have gone slower, checked if you were okay, given you warning. I don't know."
"Az, it had nothing to do with you, honest. You did nothing wrong, please don't blame yourself." Amelia begs, reaching her arm to wipe the tears that were forming in my eyes. I can see her thinking, contemplating something. Just as I'm about to ask what, she begins to talk again. "It was the texture. It's like medical gloves, it reminded me of the hospital after, when they were treating my injuries. It's stupid, I know they were just helping me but it's connected and I just, I panicked."
"Amy, I'm sorry. I didn't think of that."
"Me either. It's not really something we could have predicted." She expresses dryly. I know this is true, but a part of me still feels responsible.
"Why didn't you ask me to stop earlier?" I enquire, if the texture was the issue, I'm surprised it took her so long to ask to stop.
"I was scared, but I thought it would just pass, just like I was scared when we first shared a bed, when we first slept together, when you first went down on me. I was terrified before all of those, but it felt good afterward. I presumed it would be the same."
"I didn't know you were scared. Nervous maybe, but fear isn't the same. I don't want my actions to scare you Amelia." I explain, my voice cracking mid sentence. I hate that she feels fear relating to my actions. I know it's not me she fears but still, the guilt I feel, it hurts
"Lots of things are scary for me, I feel fear on a daily basis, but I trust you. Normally you make me less scared. You make me feel more… me."
"Can I kiss you?" I ask shakily as she places her hand in my own.
"You don't need to ask, you know I love your kisses. Come here." Amelia says, shifting her position allowing me to lean in to kiss her. When we pull away I rest my forehead against my girlfriends.
"I love you, and this wasn't your fault. I'm okay, I promise." Amelia whispers, interrupting the silence around us.
"I love you too."
I hope you're all staying safe and indoors during this difficult time. Take care of yourselves!