I have literally no excuse for why it took so long for me to update, I've had this chapter written for months. Thanks to the random reviewer who got up to date today and reviewed asking for an update soon. You got it!
Arizona POV
Today has been one of those days when I remember why I chose to be a surgeon. I've been kicking ass in the OR, saving lives, one of my favourite patients got the all clear and is officially in remission and I'm on a surgical high. Just one more surgery to go and then I can head home to see my two favourite ladies.
Just as I am about to head to the OR, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pull out my phone, seeing it is Sofia calling from her emergency phone. This has never happened before, normally she would just call from Amelia's phone. I feel the dread pool in the pit of my stomach and answer the phone.
"Sof, you okay?"
"Mom I'm scared. You need to come home." Sofia tells me down the phone and panic runs through my body.
"Why are you scared? Where's Amelia?"
"She is crying in your room and she won't let me in."
"What happened?"
"She was watching the TV in the living room and I went to see her but she was shaking and then she locked herself in your room. She looked scared, Mom."
"Okay, take some deep breaths Sof, I'm going to come home. You know Amelia doesn't like you to see her when she is sad, she may just need to be sad for a little bit. I just need to find Alex to see if he can do my last surgery and then I'm going to come home. It's going to be okay, I promise."
I see Alex at the end of the hallway and I chance after him.
"Karev, wait up." I say loudly and he turns back to look at me. "I need you to take Ellie Watkins tumour removal for me. Sofia has just rang, I need to go home."
"Is everything okay?" Alex asks, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"I uh, I don't know. Can I borrow your phone quickly, and can you talk to Sof while I call Meredith?" I ask, motioning to my phone that shows Sofia is still on the line. He takes my phone and passes me his own in return. I hear him begin to talk to my daughter and I call Meredith. I ask if she can meet me at my apartment, letting her know what Sofia had said and asking her if she would mind taking her if necessary, to which she agrees.
My heart feels as though it is beating out of my chest on the drive home. I don't know what to expect when I get there, I don't even have a clue as to what has gone on. Amelia is trapped alone in our room. What if she has her blade? What if she has drugs? I really need her to be okay. All I want is to talk to her, but I need to stay on the phone with Sofia. I know Amelia wouldn't answer right now anyway. I just keep comforting my daughter with my words, just wishing somehow I could comfort myself.
"Sof, I'm home." I announce as I open the door to the apartment and my daughter runs into my arms. "Hey, you're okay, I've got you."
"Is Amy going to be okay?"
"I hope so sweetie. Meredith is coming over to pick you up, can you go pack a bag for me?"
"But I don't want to go to Zola's house, I want to stay here."
"I know, I know you do. But I need you to be strong for me okay? Go pack a bag please." I ask again and she loosens her grip to go to her room.
I quickly make my way to the bedroom door. I try the handle but the door doesn't open like Sofia had told me.
"Amelia, it's me. Can you let me in please?" I ask through the door but I get no response. I listen carefully and I can hear the TV is on in our room but there is no noise coming from Amelia, nothing to say she is in there at all. "Amelia, please open the door." I try again but get no response.
When Meredith arrives, Sofia let's her in.
"What's going on?"
"Melia was scared and won't come out of her bedroom and she won't let us in." Sofia explains and Meredith looks to me.
"Sofia, get your bag please and go with Meredith." I instruct but Sofia shakes her head.
"I wanna stay with you and Amy. Don't make me go." My daughter sobs, tears beginning to roll down her face.
Meredith walks toward me, and tells me to go sit with Sofia, that it's her turn to talk to Amelia. Beside my better judgement, I agree, knowing that Amelia would understand I had to put Sofia first.
Amelia POV
I know Arizona wants to come in, I know she wants what is best for me, but I can't move. I can't seem to stop myself from shaking. Even if I could move to open the door, I don't want Sofia to see me like this. I need time to process this information I have just received, not to talk about it, just to process.
"Amelia, I'm worried about you." I hear Meredith say from outside the door. "I know I'm not Arizona, I know I'm not good at this kind of thing but I'm worried about you." My sister says with a sigh and I hear her sit down outside the door. "Can you at least let me know you're alive? I have already lost one sister and I don't know if I would survive losing another."
"I'm alive." I say quietly, just loud enough for her to hear through the door, realising the extent of the panic she must be feeling right now.
"Good. That's good. Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No"
"I'm not going to pretend I know what you're feeling right now, but I do know nothing good will come from you hiding alone." Meredith says simply but I still can't bring myself to move. "The first day I met you, when you visited Seattle, Derek told me about you, about how you were the strongest of all his sisters, the most independent. But he also spoke about how much your independence scared him. He wanted to be there for you, he didn't want you to suffer alone. Derek wouldn't want you to be on your own right now Amelia. I promised him I wouldn't let you be alone." My sister states softly and I somehow find the courage to turn off the TV and move toward the door, shifting my bedside table slightly to allow the door to open.
"Just you?" I question, wiping the tears from my face.
"Just me. Arizona is with Sofia. They're okay."
"You don't have questions?" I ask my sister, who simply shakes her head no.
"I just needed to know that you were safe, that you were clean." Meredith responds. She reaches out her hand to place it on my arm but I flinch and pull away, not wanting the contact. I walk carefully back to my bed, pulling the blankets around my body, almost as though I'm wishing they could protect me from my thoughts.
"Did Derek really say that?" I ask Mer and she nods.
"Well, his actual words were something asking the lines of 'She is too strong for her own good and it terrifies me. She won't ask for help even when she needs it most and it drives me insane.' but yeah, he said that."
"That sounds more like Derek."
"Can I sit down?" Mer asks and I nod, shuffling further onto the bed to make space."You want to tell me what's going on right now?"
"He's dead." I state calmly. "The man who raped me, he's dead."
"How do you know?"
"It was on the news. They showed his picture. He had a heart attack. He is gone."I try to state as calmly as possible, trying to ignore the panic I can feel building inside me when I talk about him.
"Okay."
"And I know I should be happy, but I'm not and I don't know how to deal with this and I was just trying to process."
"You don't have to feel happy, it's not like there is a rule book for this. Whatever you're feeling is okay."
"Could we just stay here for a bit? As soon as Arizona comes in she is going to want to talk about it and I don't think I'm ready for that."
"Whatever you need. Could you maybe text that to Arizona though, try to reduce her panic levels?"
"Yeah. I will."
It's been several hours since I locked myself in here. I have told Meredith to go home, that her kids need her more than I do, that I'm going to be okay. I need to talk to my girlfriend. I need to talk to my daughter. I see Meredith out, my eyes glancing into the living room as I do. I make eye contact with Arizona, and I nod, a nonverbal cue that I am okay, that I'm going to be okay.
"Hey, Sof, look. I told you she would be okay." Arizona says softly and I see movement on the couch, as Sofia's sleepy head pops up. She immediately unravels herself from the blanket and runs toward me, wrapping her little arms around my stomach.
"Hey, monkey. I'm okay, I promise." I comfort her, crouching down a little and tucking her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry if I worried you." I continue, wrapping my arms tightly around her small body.
"Why wouldn't you let me in? I was scared." She explains, her grip tightening around me.
"I'm so sorry I scared you, Sofia. I was upset and needed some time on my own but I know I shouldn't have locked myself away, that wasn't the responsible thing to do. I won't do it again, I promise."
"Why were you sad?"
"I just got some news that I wasn't expecting. But I'm okay now, I promise.
"Good. I don't like it when you're sad." The girl says with a yawn.
"I think it's your bedtime Sof. Go brush your teeth please."Arizona interrupts, giving Sofia a stern 'no arguments' glare.
"Can Amy come tuck me in?"
"I'm sure Amy would like that."
With our daughter out of the room, I look towards Arizona who has stood up from the couch. My hands are tucked inside the sleeves of my jumper as I fiddle with the fabric to keep my hands busy.
"I'm sorry, Arizona. I am so-"
"You don't need to apologise."
"I do. Because I let my emotions get on top of me, and that interfered with looking after Sofia. I know I'm allowed all my emotions, you've told me more than enough times, but I scared her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I hid away so she wouldn't see a panic attack, I was trying to avoid scaring her but clearly I was wrong. She ended up hurting, and that hurts you so I'm sorry. I'm going to try to do everything I can to make it up to you guys."
"You're okay?"
"Maybe not right now, but I'm going to be." I try to explain as honestly as possible and I feel her arms wrap around my shoulders.
"I'm really want to be mad at you right now. I'm relieved you're okay, but I really really want to be mad."
"If you need to be mad, I would understand that but uh, I would appreciate if you could hear me out once Sofia is in bed."
"Go see our daughter. I'll be waiting."
I head through to our daughters room, I kneel by the side of the bed but Sofia shuffles to the other side, giving me a little space to sit next to her.
"Are you okay?" I ask her, hoping with my whole body that her answer is yes.
"I think so. I was just scared but I feel better now."
"I'm so sorry Sof."
"I know. You told me three times already." The ten year old grins, leaning into my side.
"I want to make you a deal."
"What is it?"
"If I ever feel sad again, I'm going to take a few deep breaths and take 5 minutes to calm down. After five minutes, you can eat all the ice cream in the freezer. That way, I know I need to come out to save it from you."
"I like that deal, can you not lock the door next time? That way I can still come in if it's an emergency."
"I think that sounds fair."
"Can I make you a deal now?" she asks with a smug grin.
"What do you propose?" I ask in the most serious tone I can find which causes giggles in the young girl.
"When you're sad, can you tell me that? So I can start the five minute countdown." She asks, erupting in laughter and leaning further into my side.
"I think that is a good deal."
"Pinky promise?" Sofia says, holding out her little finger. I link my finger with her own and she grins leaning into my side.
"I love you lots Amy."
"I love you most, kiddo."
When I arrive back in the living room, Arizona is no longer in her seat. I make my way to our bedroom to see her standing at the dresser removing her slightly smudged make up. She looks tired, not just physically, but emotionally too.
"Hey." I say quietly from the door, letting her know I'm in the room. She looks over her shoulder, acknowledging I am here but the room remains silent. "I know you're mad at me, and that's okay but I uh, I need you to hear me out, please."
"I don't need to hear your excuses Amelia, you scared my daughter, and that's not okay." I flinch at her tone, wanting to cry at her use of 'my daughter' , rather than 'our daughter', but I don't. I stay strong.
"It's not an excuse. I know what I did was wrong. I don't want to excuse my behaviour."
"Then what Amelia?"
"I just need you to listen to what I have to say. I need to get this out because if I don't, I'm not sure I could get through the night without using." I explain, swallowing the lump that has appeared in my throat. At the mention of drugs, Arizona stops what she is doing and moves to sit by my side. " I don't need you to try and fix me, or lecture me. I just need you to listen." I reiterate. My girlfriends hand slides into my grasp and offers a soft squeeze.
"Okay, I'm listening."
I take a few moments to breathe, my breath is shaky but gradually calms.
"The man who raped me died today. His name was Wyatt Thorne. He was on the news. He died in prison, heart attack, or so they think. He had 27 confirmed victims, 16 of them after me, before he got caught. Those are just the people who reported it. Who knows how many more. I feel so, so relieved, but I also feel guilty. What if I had reported him? Then maybe they could have caught him and he wouldn't have been able to hurt those 16 girls. His face is ingrained into my brain, it always has been. I could have drawn him for the police, I could have helped identify him, but I didn't. I couldn't."
My breathing is beginning to get erratic, I try to keep it slow but I can't fully control it.
"Amelia." I hear Arizona say sternly. "Amelia, you need to breathe. In and out, in and out, you've got it, well done."
"I am relieved he is gone, but I'm so angry with myself for letting other people get hurt. What if they reopen the investigation and they find me?" I ask, trying to keep myself from panicking.
"I doubt that would happen, but if it did, I would stay by your side every step of the way."
"Thank you, for listening, for not trying to fix me."
"Is there anything else I can do to help?"
"No. You're here, that's enough."
Arizona POV
10:00pm
Amelia has fallen asleep in my arms. I find myself reaching for my phone and search his name. When I click on a news article, I immediately recognise his mugshot from the picture Amelia had drawn all those months ago. I scroll through the article, and then onto another, and another. I find the news reports from when he was arrested - his DNA was found on one of his victims and he was identified. I force myself to put my phone down, this is Amelia's history, not mine. It isn't my place to dig deeper, that is up to her.
08:30am
When I wake up, Amelia is no longer in bed. I panic looking at the clock, realising Sofia needs to be at school by now. I run through to my daughters room but see her bed is made and her school bag is gone. Amelia must have taken her to allow me a few extra hours in bed. I take a moment to get my breath back before deciding to go in the shower. My mind runs over everything I remember from last night, trying to predict what Amelia will need today, what the best way to be there for her will be. Thankfully, neither of us are at work, so at least we don't have to go anywhere, or do anything.
Once I am out of the shower, I hear the front door close and presume Amelia is home. I make quick work of rubbing my hair dry and throwing on some scruffy clothes before going to find my girlfriend.
"You're up." Amelia states as I walk into the kitchen.
"I am. You didn't have to take Sof to school, you could have woken me."
"I know, but I was awake and you looked comfy. I took her via that diner she loves for breakfast to apologise for last night, and I brought you breakfast, if you want it." she explains holding out a bag and I take it from her.
"Thank you, I'm sure that will have made her very happy."
"Yeah, it was maybe the quickest I've ever seen her get ready."
"And are you okay?" I follow up, knowing that she may not want to talk about feelings but still needing to know her answer.
"I'm fine. I just came back to drop off your breakfast, I'm going to go to the grocery store because we are low on pretty much everything." Amelia states with a fake smile but I can see straight through it.
"Give me twenty minutes to dry my hair and I'll come with you. I could do with getting out of the apartment." I state simply, not giving her the choice of going alone and making it seem like I'm the one who needs to be out, rather than her needing company. She just nods and goes to sit on the couch to wait for me. I guess it's better than arguing.
Once my hair is dry I go to find my girlfriend, she is sat quietly on her phone and looks deep in thought so I clear my throat, as to not make her jump.
"You ready?" I ask, receiving a quiet hum in response. I offer Amelia my hand to hold, a simple action of affection, letting her know that I am here, but she places her hands in her jacket pockets without even glancing toward me. I wish she would let me help, I wish she didn't choose to hurt alone.
12:00
I am sitting on the couch with a medical journal on my lap. The TV is on in the background, it appears to be some sort of baking competition, not that either of us are paying too much attention. I periodically look toward my girlfriend, checking that she is still here, hoping for a glimpse of eye contact, hoping she will let me into her world, wishing she would let me help with her pain but I come up empty. Amelia is fumbling with her hands, trying to keep them busy. After a few moments I hear a sigh and see she is getting up from the couch.
"You okay?" I ask without looking toward her.
"I'm going to go for a run. I'll be back in a bit." She explains nonchalantly and I lift my head, watching her go to our bedroom to get changed.
I climb up from the couch, going to the kitchen the make myself another coffee. While I am there, I fill up my girlfriend's water bottle that she uses for running and turn to see she is standing behind me. I pass the bottle and she offers another small smile.
"I love you. Be safe." I instruct and she nods in agreement.
"I will be. I love you too.
I try to keep myself busy while Amelia is out. I put away all the groceries from this morning's shopping trip. I put the laundry in the machine. I clean the kitchen, then the bathroom. Just trying to keep myself from worrying. I need her to be okay.
2pm
I can't deal with this silence any longer. I need her to talk to me. She doesn't normally run for this long, it has been two hours. That's twice the length of her usual runs, and I'm panicking. What if she has gotten injured? What if she is getting high? I don't know what I would do if she were high. I am about to go out and look for her when I hear the front door close. Thank god.
"You're back. Where were you? I was worried you were injured or high or something." I ramble and I see confusion take over her face.
"Arizona, I'm fine. I went for a run, not to track down a dealer."
"You were gone twice the amount of time you usually would be. You're behaving like everything is fine, but you shouldn't be fine at the moment. Something huge happened. You're allowed to feel mad or angry or whatever you're feeling but this isn't fine. This scares me."
"I'm going to go in the shower, I'm all sweaty. I'm okay, I promise."
2:30pm
Amelia has cleaned herself up and joined me in the living room.
"I'm sorry if this is scaring you. I'm not really sure what to do about it, because I really am okay. For now, I'm fine. But clearly you're not, so what can I do?" Amelia asks and I open my arms for a hug.
"I'm just worried. I was scared this would bring up old feelings, or cause panic attacks but you're really calm right now and it feels like the world is upside down."
"I'm just numb Arizona. I don't feel anything, I'm not calm exactly, I'm just nothing."
"What do you mean?"
"Whenever something sad or scary happens in my life, something that would normally have people curled up in the foetal position crying, I just go numb." Amelia tries to explain and she leans further into my side. "I think it's my body's way of protecting itself from the pain. Sometimes the numbness lasts a few hours, sometimes it can last weeks but for now, I just feel nothing. That's why I'm not talking, it's because there is nothing to talk about, not yet. I'm not trying to ignore you, or upset you, I just hate feeling this way, it's dangerous for me to feel numb. It makes me want to get high, but I can't do that, so I keep myself busy. I'm not trying to avoid you."
"Okay"
"The numbness will fade at some point. It may be in an hour, or it could be a week from now but when it fades, I'm going to need you."
"Has it always always worked like that? With the numbness?" I wonder out loud, stroking my fingers through her hair as an act of affection.
"I mean, I didn't cry for about a month after my dad died. I just got on with my life, it scared my mom half to death but I didn't realise there was anything wrong. One day, it just hit me. I remember falling off my bike and something just clicked and I missed my Dad, so much so that I didn't know how to get back up. I'm not really sure how else to describe it." She explains with a shrug.
"Thank you, for trying to help me understand."
The room stays quiet for a while. Amelia stays in my arms and I'm not sure what to do. I want to be there for her but I don't know how.
"I have read every news article on him."
"Why do you think you did that? I thought that would make the nightmares worse."
"Do you remember the night I had a freak out over the noise of a firework, and I told you how when I was younger, Derek and I set a bunch of them off to try to help me be less scared?"
"Yeah, I remember"
"It's kind of like that. If I have read every article, then I have exposed myself to all angles of him, I will know everything I can possibly know about him. I know about his family, and his victims. I know it all now, so the more familiar I am with him, the more I can work on not being scared anymore."
"That actually makes a lot of sense."
"Plus, I'm making the most of the numb time. I don't think I could read that many articles and see that many photos normally."
"Do you want to come pick Sofia up with me? Or do you want time alone?"
"I have a feeling it would make you feel better if I came along. Am I right?" Amelia asks, tilting her head to look at me. She is right, I would feel better if she were to come. I nod in response. "Then I can come too."
4:16am
"Arizona. Arizona, wake up." I hear and I blink my eyes open, trying to figure out what is going on. The only light in the room is that from the streetlight behind our curtains. I manage to make eye contact with my girlfriend, seeing tears streaming down her face. I sit up, reaching for her hand and guiding her to sit next to me in bed. "I'm ready to cry now." She sobs, wrapping her arms around my body. I immediately reciprocate, stroking my hand gently up and down her back in a comforting motion. I feel myself take a breath of relief, it's as though the weight is lifted off my shoulders. She is feeling all her feelings, and she is letting me be here too. "I've got you. You're okay. I'm not going anywhere, you're safe." I whisper, placing a kiss on the top of her head and she nods through the tears.
"I'm safe."