Normally this is the time I say I have no excuse for not writing and updating, but I've been in hospital for 2 weeks now so I'm pulling the sick card. I have an excuse.

Anyways, with the amount of pain killers I'm on, I did not proof read this chapter at all so all the mistakes are mine and I'll own them. Hope you enjoy :)

I stay in bed for around an hour. Both Arizona and Sofia have fallen back into a deep slumber, but I remain peacefully awake. I was ready for a break. After spending the last five days with my mother, as well as going backward and forward between the apartment and the paediatrics ward to visit Sofia, I am exhausted, both physically, and emotionally. The sleep I had tonight helped and I was able to relax a little, but my mind is still spinning.

Seeing Hailey yesterday brought back memories, memories of a time period I had not thought about in a long time. Memories of my time in rehab, the things I had said and done, some of the biggest regrets of my life. While I was detoxing, I had some of the worst nightmares of my life and she witnessed them. I just wanted everything to stop, I wanted everybody to leave me alone, but Hailey got into my head. She was just a kid, she was around the age I was when I got clean, and I wanted to help her. Like me, she had lost both her best friend and her boyfriend, but she was so much younger. I wanted to help her see that she had other options, that she could stay clean and do anything she wanted with her life, but I wasn't able to. She, on the other hand, got through to me. She was the first to tell me that Ryan's death wasn't my fault. She was the first to tell me that he wouldn't have wanted me to blame myself. She told me to let my family in, to let them be there for me after she was out. She made me promise that I wouldn't be alone when she left, and I wasn't. I did as she asked me and it saved my life.

The last time she saw me, I was pregnant, but neither of us knew that. I thought that after the withdrawal, and after I had faced my friends, apologised to them and begun to make amends, I thought that the worst part was over, but it wasn't. I was pregnant with Ryan's baby. When I realised I was pregnant, my cravings were the worst they had been in a long time. Every hour of every day, I thought about getting high, but I heard her voice in my head. When I left rehab, she pulled me close and told me not to get high. I laughed a little at the thought of it, telling somebody that you're not going to get high is easy, but following through, that is near impossible. Somehow though, somehow she had managed to get through to me, and she managed to keep me clean.

I climb out of bed, careful not to wake Arizona nor Sofia and I walk through to the kitchen. I clear the table, removing the mess that Sofia and I had made with Bananas earlier this morning. I take one of the pieces of fruit, remove the stitched skin and begin to eat it for breakfast not wanting them to go to waste. I clean the equipment that we had been using and place it back into my suturing kit. I have a quick shower before getting dressed for work. I leave a note on the kitchen table, telling them both that I love them and to let me know if they need anything on my way home.

I arrive at the hospital half an hour earlier than my shift is scheduled to start. I change into scrubs and locate Luca's scans from last night to prepare for this morning's surgery. His tumour is approximately 23 millimetres in diameter located toward the lateral portion of the left temporal lobe. The temporal lobe is vital in auditory perception and language, but it also plays a role in memory. It's irrational, I know, but this boy has just lost his father and the thought of accidentally damaging his brain, potentially affecting his memories of his dad scares me. I don't have many memories of my father, but the ones I do have, I treasure. I don't know what I would have done without them. I've done hundreds of procedures similar to this one, the success rate is high and I know I am more than capable of doing this flawlessly, I've done it an uncountable number of times before. So I plan. I plan so that I know this tumour better than anybody else. I can do this.

For some people, over-thinking makes stress worse. For me, specifically in the context of surgery, over-thinking is how I remain calm. Going into the OR, I need to have reviewed every possible worst case scenario. I need to have a plan in place for every 'if', 'but' or 'maybe'. I rarely have to resort to these plans, but the few times that I have, they have worked out for me. Having this level of plan keeps me calm.

When I leave the OR, I head towards the waiting room where I see Hailey pacing backward and forward, her arms wrapped tightly around her body. When I call her name, her head snaps up, immediately making eye contact. I smile, non-verbally letting her know things went well as we walk towards each other. "The surgery went perfectly. The tumour was actually smaller than I had anticipated from the scans and he was a champ." I explain simply, placing my hand on her right shoulder to calm her pacing. "He did great."

"So he's going to be okay? Can I see him?" She releases a breath and wipes tears of relief that are building in her eyes.

"They're extubating him now, I can take you to the recovery room." I offer and she nods in response. "Come with me."

I lead the young mother through the hospital corridors, stopping outside the door of the recovery room. "He's going to look a little pale, and the dressing on his head might look a little intimidating." I explain, ensuring I hold eye contact so I can see that she understands.

"What happens now?"

"Well with neurosurgery, the time taken to wake up from anaesthesia can vary, but based on how well he got through the procedure, it shouldn't take too long. Kids are the best patients for brain surgery. They recover quicker than adults."

"How long do you think he'll be in the hospital?" She asks, running her hand through her hair. I can see from her face that she is stressed, but I try not to rise to it. I remain in my position as doctor rather than a friend.

"If everything goes as well as I expect with his recovery, it will be three to five days. Do you need me to write a doctor's note for his school? I wouldn't advise going back for the next few weeks. He will need to take it easy."

"His school has been pretty understanding. It's my work I'm worried about. I can't exactly take him with me."

"Where do you work?" I inquire, wondering whether there is anything I could do to help.

"The teen drug and alcohol centre, working with at risk teens, y'know, helping them avoid making the same mistakes I did. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's worth it. I'm going to the local community college though, being trained in counselling."

"I can talk to the centre if you want, tell them the situation." I offer, not wanting to overstep but wanting to reduce her stress levels where possible. Stress increases risk of relapse and I know what that is like. I was her age when I relapsed and she has enough going on right now. I was unable to help her before, but I am able to now.

"Maybe." she nods, taking in the offer. "Could I see him now, please."

I open the door to let her in. She rushes to her son's side but then stays a few steps away. "You can get closer, you're not going to hurt him." I explain, walking round to stand on the other side of the bed. I take out my flashlight to check his pupillary reflexes. "Do you want to hold his hand?" I ask and she nods, taking a few steps forward and reaching out to take his hand.

"Can he hear me?"

"I don't know. Some people report yes, others wake up with no recollection. It definitely won't hurt though." I offer a small smile, wishing there was something more I could do.

"Okay."

"Can I get anything for you?"

"No, I just want to stay with him. Thank you though."

"Okay, well if you need anything, or he has any changes, let the nurses know and they will page me. He will be moved up a room soon. Hang in there."

I leave the recovery room and walk through the hospital until I get to the entrance. I step outside of the building and take a breath, appreciating the fresh air. I check my phone to see an abundance of messages from Arizona. When I take a closer look, most of them are videos of Sofia practising her sutures and several pictures of her repeating the procedure on an orange. The message states "Her new favourite hobby. Still not sure if I should be impressed or annoyed. Hope the surgery went well, we love you."

I grin and type my response. "You should definitely be impressed. Surgery went well, Luca is in recovery. Give Sof a kiss from me."

"What's got you smiling like that?" I hear and I flick my head up to see Koracick walking towards me with a bag of chips in his hands.

"I'm a bad influence."

"That's news to you?" He retorts, shaking his head at my statement. "I could have told you that when you were in med school. What did you do now?"

"At 4am while Arizona was sleeping, I taught Sofia how to suture."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"She is 10 and I'm encouraging playing with needles. Not really parent of the year material."

"I don't know. I taught David how to use an axe when he was nine. I bought him his own hatchet for his tenth birthday. He loved that thing."

"I know you're trying to tell me I'm not a bad parent, but all I'm hearing is that you're just as much of a bad influence." I respond and he smiles. I know he doesn't talk about his son often. To be truthful, I'm unsure if anybody else in Seattle knows about his past, but I appreciate that he talks to me about it. Maybe it's just because I was there after he died, but he is comfortable to talk about his past with me, and that feels good.

"How is your daughter?" He asks in an attempt to change the topic "She was sick, right?"

"Yeah, ruptured appendix. She's home now though. She's doing well."

"Glad to hear it. And thanks for taking that case last night, I didn't think you were in."

"I wasn't, I was just here to take the kid home and I bumped into the mother. She was an old friend of mine so I did the consult. I removed a tumour from his temporal lobe this morning so he should be waking up soon."

"You operated on a friend's child? You know there are rules about that."

"I hadn't seen her in ten years, give me a bit of credit. Plus the surgery was flawless, you couldn't have done any better."

"Whatever you say, Shepherd." He shouts back as he walks into the hospital.

"Can I sit?" I ask, stepping into the hospital room room seeing Hailey scrolling through her phone while her son is sleeping in the hospital bed beside her. He had woken up a couple of hours ago and his neuro exam was normal. He was drowsy, but responsive.

"That depends, did you bring one of those for me?" Hailey retorts, nodding at the cereal bar in my hands, referring to the routine that we used to have. I lightly throw the cereal bar in her direction and she nods for me to sit down. "Aren't you working? Don't you have patients?" She asks through a yawn.

"I have a lunch break, and I can choose where to spend it. How's he doing?"

"Sleeping, a lot. Dr Karev came up to check on him though. He said when you're happy he can be moved to the kids ward?"

"Yeah, we tend to keep paeds neuro patients on the neuro wards for a bit for monitoring then move them. The kids ward has toys and craft supplies and things to keep him occupied and Alex, Dr Karev, he's great with the kids. Luca will love him." I tell her truthfully.

"I didn't ask what was going on yesterday, you said you weren't working, but you were here in the hospital anyway." Hailey puts her phone down and pulls her legs up, crossing them on the chair, mirroring my position.

"Sofia had surgery Friday, she had just been discharged when Arizona found you."

"What's the story with them?"

"Hm?" I respond with a questioning gaze, wanting clarification on her question.

"Your family. I'm guessing Sofia is hers from a previous relationship because she called your girlfriend 'Mom' but you 'Amy', but what's the story? How'd you meet them? "

"I mean, I knew Arizona from around the hospital, but outside the hospital, we met the same way you and I did."

"Having a breakdown in a corridor?" She asks with a small laugh and raised brow, her facial expression implying that she doesn't believe me.

"More like a panic attack at a bus stop, but yeah, same difference." I respond and her small smile drops quickly and turns into concern.

"You're still having those? And the nightmares?" She asks, but it comes across more of an assumption than a question.

"Less often now."

"Did you tell her what they're about?" I gulp and try to figure out how to respond to her. I was hoping that she wouldn't bring this up. I never wanted her to know.

"She figured it out, it didn't take her long." I begin and she just looks at me, waiting for me to continue. "You figured it out while you were going through withdrawal so…" I offer, thinking back to her questions while we were in rehab. Thinking back to the day that I screamed at her to leave me alone, but she refused to go anywhere unless I went too. Thankfully, she must sense my hesitation and doesn't ask any more questions.

"I looked for you, when I got clean I mean. I found the practice where you worked. I went there once and asked for you. They said you'd moved out of state and offered me a neuro consultant with somebody at the hospital. I told them it was a personal thing but uh, I wouldn't say what I wanted so they said they wouldn't contact you, that you had enough going on and they just left."

"Who did you talk to?" I ask, trying to get a sense of what was going on. If it were Addison, she would have told me, gotten a name and contact details or something.

"I didn't exactly have time to get a name before she walked off. She was short, blonde…"

"Southern accent, kinda bitchy?" I offer and smile when she nods. "She was probably just looking out for me. Around the time you got clean my brother died. I wasn't exactly in a great place."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I am sorry that I wasn't there though, and I'm sorry she didn't tell me you'd tried to get in touch."

"Sofia was telling me about her conversation with Luca yesterday. He told her he was scared he was going to die like his dad." I hate having to explain this, but I know it's important to tell her.

"I've tried to get him to talk about it, but he shuts down. He won't talk about his dad with me, not really. I'm thinking about sending him to a professional, but I'm not sure."

"Give him some time. I was around his age when my dad died and it took me well over a month before I even cried about it. But if you want details about a professional for him to talk to, Arizona would have some. I could get them for you." I explain, unsure how much I had discussed about my father's death in rehab, and even more unsure how much she recalls from that period of time.

I see her wiping tears from her eyes, taking a moment to look at her son before switching her attention back to our conversation. "He told your daughter more about what he is feeling the day he met her than he has told me in months."

"Sof said that she explained that he would be alright and he seemed to believe her because she told him her dad had died too and she survived her surgery." I recount the events that I had been told this morning. She wants you both to come over for dinner when he's better. I think she likes hanging out with him. You're both more than welcome."

"I've been searching everywhere for you." Meredith exhales, sticking her head into the hospital room and stepping inside when she sees I am sitting down. "You know the whole point of having a phone is answering it when somebody calls." She adds sarcastically and I pull out my phone to see three missed calls.

"Sorry, it was on silent. How'd you find me, then?"

"I called Arizona and she said to check here. What are you doing here anyway?"

"Hailey is an old friend of mine." I explain, nodding to the younger brunette in the room. "Hailey, this is Meredith, my sister. She was married to my brother." I make the introductions before turning back to look at my sister. "Sorry, what did you need me for?"

"Maggie was supposed to pick up the kids later but she was called into an emergency surgery and it looks like it'll take a while. Any chance you could get them and take them to daycare?" Meredith asks, reverting to her previous panicked state that she was in when she entered the room.

"Yeah, no problem, I've got a minor procedure at 1pm, but I should be done by 2:30."

"You're a lifesaver. Sorry for interrupting whatever was going on here."

"It's fine. We were just catching up."

Once Meredith has left the room, Hailey looks at me. "More kids?"

"My nieces and nephew. Zola is the oldest, she's eleven and she is Sofia's best friend. Then there is Bailey, he is seven, almost eight. Ellis is the youngest and she is five."

"You're happy here."

"I am. What about you? Can I ask about Luca's Dad?"

"Matt. We were engaged, planning to get married next year. He was working late one night and he never came home. Drunk driver."

"I'm sorry."

"He was a lawyer. He did a lot of child advocate work and helped kids get out of abusive situations."

"He sounds like he was a great guy. I'm sorry you lost him."

"Yeah, he was-"

"Mommy" We are interrupted by the previously sleeping child.

"I'm right here, baby." Hailey tells the boy, and he begins to relax at the sound of his mother's voice.

"Can I?" I ask and she nods, so I walk towards the child. "Hi Luca, I'm Dr Shepherd. Do you remember me?"

"Amelia." He states and I nod.

"That's right, good job. Are you hurting anywhere, Luca?"

"No."

"What about your hearing? Does everything sound normal?"

"Yeah."

"That's great news, kiddo. Can you squeeze both of my hands super hard?" I request, placing my hands in his and feeling his grip strengthen. "Good job. And can you wiggle your toes?" I check, pulling the blanket up over his feet to see them both moving.

"Like that?"

"Just like that. You did amazing, Luca. I think, if you're feeling up to it, we could move you to a room on the kids floor. They have games and craft supplies and movies. What do you think?"

"Sofia coming back?"

"Not today, kiddo. I'm sorry. But she would love to see you again. She said she liked talking to you yesterday."

"I like her too."