Apologies for not updating for so long. I've been in the hospital and diagnosed with a neurological condition and I'm also trying to keep up with my masters degree so writing here took a back seat. Also, my neurological condition comes with double vision so I have not proof read this at all so all mistakes are mine.
That being said, here is a long chapter to make up for it. Also, warning, this chapter is an emotional roller-coaster so you're welcome and I'm sorry.
Arizona POV
Amelia is tossing backward and forward in bed. She is crying and groaning uncontrollably. I've never seen her nightmares look this way. I'm used to her crying and writhing. I'm used to her sobbing, looking scared and begging for him to stop, but that isn't what is happening. This is different. She doesn't look scared. She looks like she is in pain. "Amelia, wake up, it's okay." I tell her but she doesn't respond. "Amelia, it's Arizona, you need to wake up." I try, this time a little louder, but she remains unresponsive. She continues shaking and crying. I run through the options in my mind. I know that when she has a nightmare about her rape, waking her up using physical contact is potentially the worst thing I could do, but I have a feeling this one is different. Her mannerisms vary from the ones I am used to observing. I reach out, pausing to reconsider, but I decide to try. I place a hand on her shoulder, making sure to only touch her over her clothing in case my hunch is incorrect. I offer a small squeeze and say her name again. "Amelia. Wake up. You're okay." This time, her shuddering slows and she begins to look more relaxed.
Though she appears to have fallen back into a more peaceful sleep, I decide to wake her, not wanting her to slip back into whatever nightmare had been terrorising her while she slept. Usually, even if she settles, her nightmares return fairly quickly. "Amelia, sweetie, wake up, please." I try again, squeezing her shoulder lightly like I had just moments ago. She blinks her eyes open, sitting up in bed. She looks around the room and brings her arms across her body, gently running her right hand up and down her left arm as though she is searching for something. After a moment, she lays back down.
"Well that was new." She states, rolling over to look at me. She wipes the tears that were in her eyes away and shivers slightly. I pull the blanket that she had pushed away back over her body, making sure not to touch her anymore without her permission. "Thank you for waking me."
"Are you okay? That was different from your normal nightmares."
"Yeah, I'm fine." She begins to move toward me, but then stops, placing her hand against her forehead and grimacing. "Gross." She states without further explanation, wiping her hand on the sheets.
"Headache?" I question, unsure what else could be going on. She shakes her head, no, before resting her head on her own pillow.
"I know night sweats are expected when going through withdrawal, but, I can't say I expected them in a nightmare about going through withdrawal." She explains, and her earlier actions, the grunting and erratic movements begin to make sense. "Sorry about the sheets, I'll change them." She tells me, rolling to get out of bed, but I reach out to stop her.
"Come here." In instruct, attempting to pull her into an embrace.
"Az, I'm all sweaty and gross, as is the bed."
"I don't care. I need a shower anyway, come here." I repeat. This time she allows me to pull her closer. "I've never seen you like that, before."
"Yeah, I've never had that kind of dream before, so it makes sense."
"You looked like you were in pain."
"I was. Going through withdrawal is hell. Your insides feel like they are being crushed and torn apart, not to mention the tactile hallucinations from the neurons misfiring makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Sorry, too much information." She attempts to pull away but I don't let her. I'm conscious of her still shaky demeanour.
"Amelia, you aren't going to scare me away. I have witnessed people in withdrawal before, and while I hate that you had to experience that, it does not make me feel any differently about you."
"I just, it's graphic, not really something you need to picture."
"Amelia, I don't care about that. I care that you are okay now." I explain, stroking her hair, aware that it is still damp from her sweat. "You're still shivering. Are you cold?" I ask, instinctively pulling her closer to my body and tucking the blankets around her before she nods in the affirmatory.
"Arizona, I want to shower and change the sheets. If you want to cuddle or talk about it, I will. I'll do whatever you want, but I need to shower first."
"Okay." I nod, releasing my grip and letting her go.
When Amelia has left the room, I climb out of bed and reach for my crutches to get fresh sheets out of the drawer. I take the time that she is in the shower to remake the bed, removing the damp sheets and replacing them with the clean ones. I take an extra blanket from our wardrobe and lay it across Amelia's side of the bed to cover the damp patch that had soaked through to the mattress. I check my phone to see that it is only 2am, there is plenty of time to get more sleep when she returns.
A few minutes later, Amelia returns from the bathroom still in her towel. She selects a pair of pyjamas from the drawer, getting dressed before crawling back into bed beside me.
"Better?" I ask and she nods.
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"You don't need to apologise."
"You have questions." She states bluntly.
"Hm? I mean, not necessarily. If you want to talk about it, you can, but you don't have to."
"Seriously?"
"Do you want me to have questions? I'm sure I could come up with some if you wanted."
"You don't have to do that. I just expected some. I am willing to talk about it if you want to."
"Would talking about it help?"
"I'm not sure. Truthfully that had never happened before. When I got out of rehab, it took me about four months for the night sweats to stop, so I haven't had to deal with that in quite a while. It is still just as gross as it was then, though." She explains with a small laugh. "Why aren't you grossed out by this?"
"Plot twist, you're the one asking the questions." I joke, pulling her into my arms so that her head is resting on my chest. "There were a couple of times after the plane crash that I wet the bed from nightmares. That was gross, this is not." I admit. She twists her head to look at me, making eye contact to check that I am telling her the truth.
"Really?"
"Mhm. but much like this, I couldn't help it. No judgement. I'm just glad you are okay, you scared me a little when you wouldn't wake up."
"I'm sorry." She apologises and I grip her tighter, letting her know that it is okay, that we are okay.
"I actually do have a question, if you're okay with it." I realise, feeling guilty that I had told her I wouldn't ask questions, but also knowing she would prefer I ask now than bring the event up again later.
"What?"
"I had to touch your shoulder to wake you up. I know for your other nightmares that contact is bad, but this one was different and talking wasn't working. Was it a bad idea, did it make anything worse?"
"No, not at all. In my last detox, Hailey and I held hands for a lot of it, just so that we knew we weren't alone. Maybe seeing her triggered this, I'm not sure."
"I'm sorry, but I'm glad you didn't have to go through that alone. So if it happens again, do you want me to wake you? Like I got you to stop crying, but I decided to wake you anyway because I didn't know what was happening."
"I doubt it'll happen again, but yeah, wake me."
"Wait, how did you know?" Amelia stops to ask, twisting her body to look at me.
"What?"
"How did you know the nightmare was about something different?"
"Your movement was different, you were shaking and rocking backward and forward rather than writhing. Then your facial expressions were different, you looked more like you were in pain than scared. I didn't know what was happening though, I presumed it wasn't about the rape but I didn't know what it was about."
"It's kinda weird that you can identify differences in my nightmares."
"Maybe, but it's just because I care about you. Come on, lay down. It's still early and we can get some more sleep."
"I think I'm going to stay up for a bit, but you can sleep. I'm okay, I promise."
"I can stay awake, it's okay." I tell her, but I am incapable of holding back my yawn which makes her laugh.
"Arizona, go to sleep. You're exhausted and have work in the morning." She tells me, laying down and fully relaxing into my arms. "I'm going to stay here in your arms, you will wake up if I have another nightmare. Just sleep." Amelia instructs and I smile, closing my eyes and falling back into a deep, peaceful rest.
Amelia has brought Sofia to the hospital. She has asked if I will watch her on my lunch break while she goes to a meeting and of course I agreed. When she dropped Sofia off, she also brought us food from the truck out front, our go-to favourite spot for when we are both working. I'm worried about her. She seemed open enough about her nightmare when it happened, but this morning, she shut down. Then she decides she needs a meeting during the day rather than waiting for her usual meeting tonight, also a clue that she isn't in a good place. I'm just not sure why she isn't telling me what is going on. I know she told me that she hasn't shared everything with me, that she doesn't want to share everything, and I'm okay with that. I'm just not okay with her avoiding me, telling me everything is fine when it isn't. I'm not okay with her lying.
I asked Sofia whether Amelia was okay this morning, and she said that she was fine, maybe a little quiet, but fine. When I try to ask more, she looks worried. She asked if something was wrong with Amelia, so I told her no and stopped asking questions. I don't want to upset Sofia, or have her treating Amelia any different. Amelia hates when people treat her differently.
"Mom?" Sofia asks, interrupting my train of thought.
"Yeah?"
"Can we go for a walk?"
"Amelia will be back soon, Sof and I will have to go back to work." I explain.
"Well could Amelia take me for a walk? Like, am I allowed, after surgery and stuff?"
"I don't see why not, as long as you don't overexert yourself. Why?"
"I feel like I haven't been out other than in the car in forever. I'm bored of being indoors." My daughter grumps with a huff.
"Well, I don't know if Amelia had any other plans for the day, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind." I offer, knowing that in such circumstances, Amelia would be happy to go for a walk.
"Wouldn't mind what?" My girlfriend asks, stepping into my office where Sofia and I are seated.
"Going for a walk. I'm bored of being inside and mom says I'm allowed."
"We could stop at the park on the way home. We could have a wander, maybe feed some ducks." Amelia offers and Sofia smiles, nodding that she approves of the thought.
Amelia POV
"Mom is worried about you." Sofia tells me as we walk through the park. She has slotted her hand into mine as we stroll slowly toward the duck pond.
"What makes you think that?" I ask the girl, pausing to sit on a bench we were passing, lightly pulling her arm to ask her to sit with me. She seems to understand my request as she lowers herself to sit on the bench, leaning into my side and resting her head on my shoulder. Not for a moment does she loosen her grip on my hand.
"She was asking about you, like if you acted okay this morning. I told her you were fine, but she still looked worried. She just changed the topic, I think it was because she didn't want to worry me." Sofia explains. "But you were being quiet this morning, I thought maybe you were just tired, but then mom asked and I want to know whether you were okay really? Mom said it's probably nothing and I shouldn't be worried, but I am."
"Sofia, I am okay, I promise." I tell the ten year old who has shuffled even closer into my body.
"Then why was Mom asking?"
"I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, she is probably worried because I had a bad dream last night and then went to an extra meeting today. But, I will talk to her when she finishes work. I'll make sure she knows that I'm alright."
"What is an AA meeting?"
"I thought you knew what it was?"
"I know it's alcoholics anonymous, and that it helps people who are alcoholics or addicts not drink, but what is it? Like what happens?"
"Well, the only people who are there are addicts. We go and we talk about our lives, how our addictions have influenced our lives. Then we talk about our difficulties and people can offer advice on how best to cope with them. It is all about getting advice from other people who know what you're going through." I explain, careful to use language that is easily comprehendable to the girl, but also truthfully answering her question.
"So you go when you need advice?"
"Yes, but also just being around people who understand can help, even if I am doing okay. Going even when the cravings aren't bad helps to keep the cravings away."
"So why did you go today? Because you needed advice or to help keep the cravings away?"
"A bit of both. I wanted to talk about the bad dream I had last night. It was different from my usual dreams and I wanted to talk about it."
"So why didn't you talk to Mom about it?"
"It's not really something your Mom would understand. It was an addiction specific thing." I explain, trying to answer her questions in the most honest way possible. "But I did talk to your Mom about it a little, just not in detail."
Sofia stands up, pulling me up to walk with her and continuing our route to the duck pond. I take her hint and begin to walk with her. I'm glad that some of our prior discussions have made her more comfortable asking questions. I would rather she asks questions than google like she had previously. "Am I allowed to ask about your dream?"
"What do you want to know?"
"What was it about? I mean, I know you said it was about the drugs, but was it about your boyfriend?"
"No, it was after that. It was about when I was giving up the drugs."
"Oh. Then why was it bad? Wasn't quitting a good thing?" She asks, confused by the concept.
"Quitting is good, but when you use lots of drugs, your body begins to rely on them to function normally. When you stop taking them, your body fights to get you to take them. It makes you feel really bad. It's scary and painful and I dreamt about feeling that way."
"That sucks." She responds bluntly which makes me laugh.
"Yeah, you're right. It really does suck. But I'm okay, you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because your mom woke me up and reminded me that I was safe and that I have you guys. I love you both so much. "
"I love you too, Amy"
"Do you ever wish I was your kid biologically?" Sofia asks, pausing from throwing the food into the pond from the ducks to look at me.
"No, not really. Why?" I am genuinely curious as to where this question had come from.
"I don't know. I just wondered. Why not?"
"You're perfect as you are. If you were mine, you might be different. You would look differently and talk differently and think differently. Why would I want to change who you are when I love you for who you are."
"So you don't think you would love Christopher differently?" She follows up.
"I loved Christopher for every second of his life. I still do love him, I will always love him, but what I felt for him does not take away any of the love I feel for you now. Do you think your Mama loves you more than your Mom because she is biologically related?"
"I don't know, but Mom doesn't have another kid she can compare to."
"Well, do you think Meredith loves Bailey and Ellis more than she loves Zola?" I counterpoint, making her think more about the concept.
"I don't know. I haven't asked."
"She doesn't. She loves Zola just as much as she loves the others, much like I love you just as much as I loved Christopher. You're right that it is a little bit different, but not in a bad way. In a way that maybe makes me love you even more, because I chose to love you, as did your Mom."
"Chose to?"
"Yeah. Your Mom didn't have to adopt you, she chose to because she loves you so, so much. She wanted you from before you were even born."
"Yeah, she told me that too."
"So if you chose to, could you adopt me too?" I'm taken aback by this question. We haven't even considered adoption before. It's not something Arizona and I had ever discussed before.
"I'm not sure about the laws around that. You already have two guardians, I'm not sure if you are allowed to have more than two, but I don't need a piece of paper to prove your mine too. I love you just the same."
"But what if something happened to Mom? Would I just go live with Mama and never see you again?"
"Nothing is going to happen to your Mom, Sof. But, whatever happens in the future, you're not getting rid of me that easily."
"Promise?" She asks, worry evident on her face.
"I promise."
"So if you were allowed, would you adopt me?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Yeah." She nods. She is certain.
Amelia POV
Both Arizona and I are exhausted. She has gone to check on Sofia, tell her lights out while I have gone to our room to get ready for bed. I change into pyjamas before Arizona is back in the room and crawl under the blankets and into my spot. Arizona is taking a little longer than usual, but I make nothing of it. I presume Sofia was still awake and a discussion was initiated. I scroll through my phone for a while until Arizona returns. When she appears, I place the device on the bedside table and lay down.
Arizona sits on the edge of the bed to get changed. As she is removing her leg, she turns to look at me. "Sofia just asked me about adoption, do you have any idea what that was about?"
"Yeah. She asked me earlier. She asked if I wished she was biologically mine, I thought nothing of it and told her no, that she is perfect as she is and that her biology doesn't make me love her any less. Then she asked about adoption."
"What did you tell her?"
"That I wasn't sure about the laws surrounding legal guardians, that she already has two legal guardians and I didn't know whether you were allowed more than that, but I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I love her. I think she is worried that if something were to happen to you, she would live with Callie and not see me anymore. I told her that nothing would happen to you, but I will always be there for her, whatever happens. She still said she wants me to adopt her though. I didn't know how to respond to that."
"Legally, there are no issues. I'm Sofia's sole guardian. That being said, we would need to talk to Callie and have stuff put in place. It wouldn't be fair for you to have guardianship and not her too. But we could look into it."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I mean, if it means that much to her. Are you okay with it?"
I nod, pausing for a moment to figure out the best way to respond whilst considering my concerns. "It is a lot to process. I love her so much, and I know logically that the legality won't change anything right now, but it scares me still. I think I just need some time, but I love her and I want her to be happy. It was just unexpected." I attempt to explain and Arizona nods with a small smile, telling me that it's okay; telling me that she understands.
Arizona rolls over until she is propped up by my side. She leans in and places a soft kiss on my lips. "Take all the time you need." She tells me softly, stroking my hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear before kissing me again. I sit myself up a little so that I can kiss back, the movements slow and sensual. Her kisses get a little deeper. I feel her hands running underneath my pyjama top, and I begin to panic. My hands quickly move so they are placed over hers to push her away and I pull myself backward to create distance between us.
"Stop. Please." She immediately stills her movements, pausing in our positions so as to not add to my panicked state. When I nod, she retreats to sit by my side. "I'm sorry. I can't. Not right now." I state. She is unable to hide the concern visible in her eyes. I feel guilty. I want to be able to make her happy, to make her feel good, but I'm not in a good condition to do so at the moment.
"It's okay. You don't have to do anything. Are you okay?" She asks carefully. I want to respond, to tell her I'm fine and move on but I know she would be able to tell that I am lying. I sense her attempting to look at me, attempting to meet my eyes, but I can't. "Do you want to talk about it?" She offers, but I shake my head no. The tears that have been building up for the past week begin to fall down my face. I sit myself up a little, wiping the droplets away and leaning into Arizona's arms.
I stay resting in her embrace. She holds me tightly, rubbing her hand in gentle circles on my back and whispering sweet nothings to me. She tells me that I'm safe and that I'm going to be okay. She tells me that she loves me and nothing is going to change that. I feel safe in her arms. I know I can trust her, but I also hate that I let things get this bad. I feel guilty for not talking to her earlier, but also I didn't talk to her earlier in order to avoid the feeling of guilt for adding more to her already full plate. I don't want to inconvenience her. I don't want to make her life more difficult.
"I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to apologise for. Are you feeling any better now?"
"Everything is just too much right now. I just want it all to stop."
"Stop how?" Arizona asks, and though she doesn't explicitly explain the meaning of her question, we both know she is asking whether I am feeling suicidal. She is asking whether I want my life to stop; whether I want to die.
"Not like that. I just, everything is too much and I didn't want to add more to your plate. I didn't want to worry you, so I've been trying to deal with it all on my own but I don't think I can."
"I love you. I want you to come to me when you need me. Do you feel up to talking about it now?"
"Things have been bad since my Mom was here. I didn't think I could be feeling worse, but I am."
"Okay." She continues rubbing circles on my back, holding me tightly while I continue.
"I don't think I was ready to deal with her. I don't think I'm ready to forgive her. I don't want her in my life but now I'm trapped because I know I have to do what's right for the kids. And I feel guilty that I don't want to see her, because she is trying to make things right but I think it's too late for that. She failed me then and I wasn't ready to see her now. And now Hailey is here and I'm trying to help her too and it's all just too much and I've been thinking about using. The crazy thing is, I don't even want pills, I just want to have a glass of wine or smoke a joint or something but I know I can't. I've been cutting again to deal with it all and I don't want to, I hate that I do it but I'm just angry with the universe and I hate that. And I hate that I'm putting this all on you." I explain, the words rambling from my mouth but I'm unable to make them stop. I'm putting all of my pain out in the open. "And I wasn't trying to hide the cutting from you, but after a while I just didn't know how to bring it up and it's bad, Arizona. It's bad and I can't keep going with it." I admit with a sob, and she brings her fingers to run through my hair, an act that she knows to calm me when I'm hurting. She waits for a moment, ensuring that I have finished talking before responding.
"I'm not mad. It's okay. Thank you for telling me now. Deep breaths. I'm not going anywhere. I love you."
"I love you too."
"So, what do we do now? What can I do to help?"
"Could you come with me to my appointment tomorrow?"
"If you think that would help, absolutely. Are either of your sisters free to watch Sof?"
"I think Maggie is off work tomorrow. I could ask her."
"Sounds good. Is there anything I can do right now to make you feel better?"
"You're doing everything. Just don't let go." I feel her arms tightening the embrace as she places a soft kiss on the top of my head. She is telling me that she isn't going to leave and I nod.
"Thank you."
"I'm going to remove the wine and Sofia's pain pills from the apartment, okay? We can leave her meds at Meredith's in case she needs them, we could go get them easily."
"You shouldn't have to do that. I should be strong enough to deal with it."
"You're struggling, Amelia. I'm not saying this is forever, but you just told me you're craving so I'm going to remove that option, at least in the apartment. Do you want to go to a meeting?"
"In the morning. I don't want to leave the apartment right now."
"Could I check the cuts?" Arizona asks, but I shake my head no.
"I've just redressed them. You can look in the morning if you want, but it's a lot. They're not crazy deep, but there are a lot of them. I think you should take my blade for a bit. I need to stop." Arizona holds out her hand. I reach to the side of the bed, lifting up my bag and retrieving the box containing my blade from inside it. I pass the box to Arizona, my arm and hand is shaking, I don't want to give her it, but I know I have to. I know that I need to stop. She takes it from me, placing it into her bedside table and closing the drawer before pulling me back into her arms. She holds me close.
"I know you feel like you can't handle everything right now, but I know you can. Let me help you through it. Let's just take things one step at a time."